The Drive for Authenticity, for Being Human

So to summarize the last little bit there:

For the longest time I have been in search of a life full of meaning.
I thought it should be like an action packed movie or game.
As I grew older the urgency grew as I started to feel less and less human,
living in the same house of my providers, not being able to
provide for myself even, let alone do something meaningful.

Tonight I felt the cold winter wind on my face and hands, and I
retreated into the warmth of my parents house, only to realize I was
running away from the possibility of being truly authentic, which I would
be if I had no home to turn to, and had to fight for my survival, for any
shred of warmth, even against society.

I listened to the opening song of a show and realized not all music I love
urges me to live out the fantasies of some other person’s story.
So I realized there was an origional part of me, that music could go with.

I realized part of me would rather freeze to death than live in
an inauthentic and dependant way, but that going back out into the night
then, would be a waste, a step in the wrong direction. However, so would
moving towards a job in a feild that would just be making a living.

So I realized I would rather continue with school, and more philosophy
especially, and possibly end up in the cold at a later point, after having
tried to make a difference to the best of my abilities. If that happened, I
would accept it, and do my best, and it would be me, and I would be proud,
and turn my nose up at anyone or anything that didn’t see why I’ve won.

Rather that, than spend any amount of time trying to secure a job I don’t
believe I should be doing, to be supported by a society in which I would
not be living authentically.

So, I have a very strong need now, to make something of this path that I
have chosen. I need it, as if I were still outside trying to get in.

aesthetics and diagrams, obfuscation and fun

Based on the half dream I’ve been having for the last
few hours where I’ve somehow been mulling over the idea of
creating art out of a learning experience.

I remember one part where I had created a website? or maybe
more of a digital art collage? but with parts you could
click on to make things happen.

It was very intersting and beautiful, and seemed to be filled
with images that were symbolic of concepts and were connected
together. SO it was kind of like an artistic diagram.

I think it was a lot of electronic concepts actually…but maybe
other things as well.

Also my music “what age means” was playing along with it.
I either was displaying it to others, or imagining the time when
I might do so, and it was inspiring.

Now that I’m awake I find a paralell to the way I’v been trying to
learn hanzi which is that I’ve been making diagrams that show the
connections, and I plan to use a ruler to make even neater looking
diagrams as they actually seem like the most beautiful thing in
my journal.

Also the diagram was almost like a game, or a movie, I remember,
like it was fun and an experience. That would be good for
a method of study. To create something I enjoy re-experiencing.

I enjoy reexperiencing my music, that’s for sure.

This is interesting though, because it’s like I got a glimse
of a possibility, one that could be revolutionary in learning and
art and I guess in my life, and now I can try working backwards to figure
out how to get there.

So, if I want to create an experience I’d enjoy again, well what seemed
to really help in the dream was that the music went directly with the
images…so I guess it was animation…so like, like amvs??!!

That could be awesome, because I enjoy watching my amvs repeatedly!

Poetry was like…one level above simple diagrams, in the artistic sense,
but I struggled to make them fun to recite as they seemed devoid of
artistic expression.

It could be that my artistic expression is more logical and so creating
stories and poetry that don’t express logical things, things worth
understanding, it ends up being not relevant or meaningful to me.

So maybe, like the hanzi diagrams, it would be better to focus on
making the method of diagraming, more beautiful, instead of
obfuscating the knowledge with art. So, using art in a way that
enhances understanding instead of the opposite.

So for example, the pie chart, could be seen as a form of aesthetics
simply because it’s a way of symbolizing something visually that is
more EFFICIENT(as efficiency and beauty are related).

rhyme works, when linking relevant facts together. However, rhyme that
links facts together but through adding in irrelevant untasteful information
, might not be as beautiful.

animation works well because it is a way of visualizing something that
otherwise wouldn’t be visualized. Along with sound effects, music,
and art in the drawing of symbolic images, it because very aestehtically
pleasing, some times even creating a whole other world around the
concept when the animation, sound fx ect come together well enough. Then
there is no need for extra irrelevant information.

This can be seen as an ENTP goal actually. By that I mean, it could
be a thing that all entps are built to do somehow, or that is on of their
highest forms of self expression. For example, Steve jobs revolution
of Apple, and pixar, was at is base, about this. Adding aesthetics
to the expression of information.

Leonardo Da Vinci was also about this, or at least his drawings
of inventions in his notebooks etc, and the way he painted, it was
conveying information in the most effective way possible.

It could be why I like electronics more than programming…because I
get to see more diagrams in electronics. Even the actually creation
of deviced, involves wiring connections together between different
components.

Maybe if programming could be done in this wayWow, with code blocks
connected together. Even parts of algorithms should be visualized
as components. Actually, even math itself could be visualized as
being made up of components. Even philosophy could be.

Wow, I learned so much by going to bed early…enough that I woke up
3 hours in to write all this.

When I look at the diagrams in my hanzi journal, they just seem like
…like expensive. Like the most expensive thing in my journal, the
most significant. (also it’s the only thing written in pen lol, but
still.

So maybe, to me, I enjoy the expression of connectedness, or at
least I am more sensitive to it, than most people, and so it is
art, and beautiful, to me.

So maybe I can enjoy learning anything, if I can just express the
connections between things within and between feilds in the most
effiecient way possible.

This is a new form of communication so I wonder if it could
become it’s own language somehow lol.

As I searched for the word “obfuscated” I came across the
international obfuscated c contest. It’s so cool. It actually
would make programming fun…For one thing it is actually comical
in a way that is smart so it’s like…a new and maybe improve form of
comedy. Second it’s so creative and it’s a creativity for the
purpose of entertainment, and possible even just fulfillment in
ones ability to create something so crazy.

It’s weird that so many programmers seem so passionate about just
creating things that are functional. I feel like obfuscated c is
way more fun and maybe even a better learning experience, beyond when
you want/need to know something. I’ve searched programming poetry
before and while the philosophy was cool sometimes, the actually idea
of doing it was not. It seemed like it would just take energy away from
me. It didn’t present a specific challenge where I would gain energy and be
inspired by, but instead it seemed draining as poetry without reason
often seems draining.

Obfuscated c on the other hand is like, purposely doing meaninglessly complex
stuff. It is actually like a skill that you can develope and it’s
actually comical and fun.

It’s almost like an attack on the standardization of programming,
and for me just the irrelevance of programming to my life.

I mean, the dullest thing I’ve learned so far is making data based
for websites. However, if I gave myself permission to create the
most messed up databases, maybe I could actually enjoy
the learning process at least.

Really what obfuscated c seems to do is it opens my mind to creative
possibilities without limiting it to things that are needed by the
real world or following real world standards of efficiency. Basically
it brings the imagination back into the equation where otherwise I
would always be depending on someone else’s idea of how things should
be done. Now the whole goal of programming is to do things the way
they “shouldn’t be done” which means I can use every possible peice
of information and weave it all into doing something the wrong way,
because the wrong way, becomes right.

Why is the wrong way fun? So I think it’s because it’s not limited to
someone else’s methodology for one, but for two it’s because it depends
on you ….

just wow…I mean I wish I had thought of that earlier, like, instead
of learning from books, I could just do things the wrong way on purpose,
trying to see how wrong I could do it.

So theses are two ways of learning. One is using art to communicate
ideas more efficiently and it will be beautiful. The other is to
use ideas in the least efficient way on purpose, and using
creativity to make them the most ineffiecent, and this will
be comical.

Actually, obfuscated c reminds me of how I play mtg. I try to pick really
weird cards or combinations and make them work. So when I do this,
the game becomes about my deck making ability as much as my play
ability. I don’t do it in a funny way nessesarily, but more like a way
to challenge myself. I guess it helps that mtg is social, but still I
wonder if I could do the same with obfuscated c. Instead of going for
comical, go for something different that expresses me. Like how I go
for making music that is more obscure sounding. I can express myself in
code by my choices of what tools to use for a specific job, instead of
going for the tools recommended. In this way I also would be making
mini challenges like, “do this part without using printf” etc.

I wonder though, because this seems more social than more art related
things…

Well also I guess it’s just that, duh the right or best way of doing things
is often not that hard to figure out. It’s not as challenging, at least
for my style which looks for more possibilities, as trying to make
somethign more “interesting”.

So really it’s not about it being “detail oriented”, it’s about
it being to common knowledge…I like exploring what is possible,
and the way to do that in programming, at least until I reach some
master level where I just know how things should be done better than
anyone else, unless/until that happens it’s best to flex my creative
muscles through obfuscation and doing things in different ways
regardless of what is more efficietn, but just focusing on what could
actually be possible outside of how things are usually done.

So for things based on logic such as strategy games, programming etc,
artistic expression seems to come through individual choice in how to
do things. So it’s best to give ourselves permission to do things
in whatever new and creative ways we want in order to express ourselves.

In music and other fine arts this plays a role, but also individual
tastes like musical tastes, play a big role.

In things like physical labour, artistic expression seems to come
, at least for me, from a combination of pure physical intensity, and
creative efficiency of momevement.

Now, artistic expression in the actual learning process, that seems to
be more about just the way the information is laid out.

Actually the idea of obfuscation can be applied in many interesting
ways it’s so cool that I just found this through googling and that
google autocorrecting to the “ed” ending helped me get there.

I could make a store, that is made of CSRs who standing in formations
to create iles etc.

I could also make a store where everything is just drawn in the snow
but have security gaurds protecting it, being really serious.

JUst taking a goal, and finding very weird ways of accomplishing that
goal. That is one power I have that most people don’t and that people
will probbaly find very useful or at least entertaining.

If I want adventure, that is one really good way of getting it.
I feel like that is the kind of thing I would do in video games
but should also do in real life more. STYLE! Cool style!

Also, to obfuscate can mean, to make dark/(er). So in a way it is
gothic. It is venturing out into the unknown, the unbeaten path,
the mysterious, and expressing that, maybe in a way becoming that.

I have two things now to think about. Perposeful obfuscation,
and aesthetics diagraming. Both are interesting and seem fun.
One seems more fun in the moment though and more connected to
doing. Although, AH, I could use obfuscation in my creation of
diagrams maybe…but not in a way that adds irrelevant info, just
that that form of organiziation could be more obfuscated.

Meaning you might have to work harder to extract the meaning,
but it would be interestin to create, and could lead to
actually innovation in creatin diagrams. IUnno.

Brings me to think of entps as dancing with death but maybe more
accuratly, with darkness, as we search the darkness, the unknown, through
ourselves, for new possibilities, where as most people are content to
just use what is known and there already.

Work = Fulfillment (Work, not success, not specific goals, just working)

I’m going to throw out some ideas here:

1. Working and living can be seen as synonymous when looked at in a kind of abstract and primitive way. I mean, we live because our cells “work”. Everything we do is based on every cell in our body “working”. So you could say the more we work, the more alive we are. More to this in number 3.

2. In many instances, we choose not to work hard because we assume it will feel worse than not working at that time. We are often mistaken about this. For example, if you don’t feel up to a jog or walk but do it anyways you will often feel better, happier, as the jog progresses (assuming you jog for a limited time like 30min). So we can often assume that even though we don’t feel up to something such as work, there is the possibility that we could enjoy it, if we just did it, or even did it with the goal of enjoying it(working out harder because you know the chemicals will flow stronger and you will feel happier faster).

3. We often find fulfillment in playing games, but when it comes to a career, we struggle to find one that will be fulfilling. Why is it that games that have no real world impact can be more fulfilling that careers, work that is based in the real world. It stands to reason that what is really fun and fulfilling in then is being active, feeling challenged, working, etc, more than what that work is, and what impact it has on society. However if we think it’s not enough to just work on SOMETHING, then we wont think we should even be doing it. Doing things we think we shouldn’t be doing, that we think of as wastes of time, would result in the opposite of a rewarding experience. This advice might not be for everyone as some personality types learn early on what they want to do. However, other types seem infinite and ever expanding possible list of options. Here I wonder, is it the things you do that will make YOU feel happy, or that you are doing?

4. Sometimes we divide our focus between goals that are in conflict with each other. There are many kinds of conflict but a basic form of conflict is of reward circuitry. If you achieve a goal that rewards you extensively without being fulfilling, such as porn/drugs, etc, then you will not have any reward chemicals left for things that will be fulfilling. Depending on who you are of course. If you remove all the “distractions” that compete for you reward resources, would you be left with only the desire to work?

5. Many people who are not able to do as much work, don’t have the motivation, etc, wish they did. They wish they could do more and are trying to figure out how. We(generalizing) have an intrinsic motivation for growth, and productivity. Once this motivation wins over the other distractions, we should find ourselves un-able to live any other way.

6. We need to either believe in ourselves, and/or be willing to experiment, to see what we can accomplish and even enjoy if we put our minds to it.

7.  You may notice you have self-talk about how certain work is not enjoyable and fulfilling, which you wouldn’t have even categorized as self-talk because it seems like just logic. If you can remove this, and replace it with commands to yourself to work, you will work.

8. Another way to look at this is to observe that when you seek out instant gratification through drugs, and other stimulation, your brain get’s worse at making you happy. However, when you seek out challenges like exercise and intellectual challenges, things where you have to push yourself, push against resistance, against the initial negative emotions, your brain get’s better at making you happy. At least, if you are taking up those challenges willingly.

9. So with all these things in mind it stands to reason that the best way in reach a state of being where you feel fulfilled, would be to just start working on something. Anything. Well, anything that is work, that is hard, and that will result in completion, production, achievement. Like like how we work out using weights, not building houses, we should set out to live  a fulfilling life by doing challenging work, not work that is necessarily the most “meaningful” as that can always change. I’m not saying don’t do meaningful things, of course you should. I’m saying don’t depend on them to shape your productive lifestyle, but use productive work as a form of training for growth, independent of what might be meaningful. So, do work, and maintain focus on doing work, with the belief or hypothesis that doing this will lead to enjoyment of this and therefore fulfillment.

The urge to provide

My obsessing over what I could do to make a living, I think was based on the stress of how hard good jobs are to get. If for instance, I could have gotten a high paying job right out of college like I thought I would, I think I would have taken it. I mean, if it didn’t feel like I was in some kind of competition and needed to sell myself beyond my diploma. There was a time when it was easy to get a good job out of high school or college. In that age I feel like becoming self sufficient would have been easier. I mean, yes I think there would still be other things I would want. However, I would have been set as far as supporting myself was concerned.

So I guess what this makes me think is that what I need to get right now is work life stability. All the other passions can come, but this basic passion of freedom needs my attention now. I feel like if I were supporting myself, I would appreciate all my other passions that much more. I feel like I have this natural instinct to provide, for myself at least, and I think I need to go about meeting this need in the most efficient way possible.

However, when I think about the need to provide for myself, my thoughts drift towards areas like programming instead of philosophy. See programming is easier to get jobs in, although I definitely have a knack for philosophy. The best bet would be to do programming as well to keep my options open I guess. However, this division of goals between school and money makes this hard. If I joined a group though…or just got some people together…Or just made a daily allowance of 1 hour max for programming and I had to learn as much as I could in that time. It would make sense to focus on games or web dev because those areas will build a useable portfolio fastest I think. Out of those two, games are more fun. Then at the same time, if I did programming I could easily shift my experiments onto youtube and make friends in that scene. It would benifit me greatly to do this because it would make jobs easier to get when it came time to look. I would have to have the mindset of I’m trying to become awesome at this as if to program another world, or something. I should not stick to the basicl game ideas, but go off on tangents to make weird and wonderful things. I should have space music in the background when I work to make it more enjoyable. 1 hour a day…hmm it’s definitly an idea. I mean, it’s an investment, and if I feel it’s sound I can take out a load and move out knowing I’ll have jobs waiting for me when I’m ready. Maybe not in games, but in something interesting. People like to hear that I’ve played with mini max algorithms. I guess  need to push myself just a bit.

The thing that scares me is when people say with programming you either love it or you hate it. It doesn’t seem to be that way for me. Nothing does. It’s a day to day thing for me when it comes to what I enjoy doing. For instance right now I hate the chinese language or at least the hanzi. However, I’m pretty sure I’ll start liking it again soon after a nice break. So for a job, I can’t go by what I “love” because that changes all the tim. I need to go by what I’m good at that pays and is interesting.  I can get into a flow state while programming, so there’s that too.

Post-Capitalism: Intrinsic Motivation: Finding mine in school

I had this theory that the universe was based on randomness and duplication. If this were true it would make sense that the two things that would help me thrive would be the motivation for sex(duplication) and for awe(unpredictable?) Still the the idea that it is a “competition” between those two drives doesn’t seem that efficient. However, it feels like what they guy from personality junkie said about NPs is sound in that a lot of the ideas I come across seem almost by accident like it is the universal impulse.

Now, I could just try to focus on reading the text books and doing the homework for the possible ideas I will stumble on and the connections I happen to make. I am working to motivate myself from within an educational system that is not built specifically for me so I have to figure out how to work it. Or maybe the system is fine, and it’s just like jogging where I have to get used to it.

The other possibility is that the universe is made up of not randomness but a system. This makes sense in that the big bang would be a cause, and the rest would be the effect. So if we rewound this to the start and initiated the same bang, we would get the same result. So it isn’t random is it?

It makes more sense that the human then is a system with an urge for duplication
among other elements of it’s system.

My question was, does it make sense for me to have a specific goal, or is it
better to just focus on learning more. Goals are what brought me here in the
first place. Maybe “here” is the goal.

I’ve thought about this before actually. It’s good to have goals that come
to you, but trying to seek out goals to have seems like not the best idea.
It seems unessesary.

Also, why do I get so much more motivation in class where as at home I don’t
just sit around reading the text book. Well, it could be that exchanging ideas
with other people, exressing my ideas, IS a goal for me. If this were the case
it would be good as the more the ideas flow the more can be done for society.
Also my motivation for studying outside of class would be to be ahead so I can
keep up with the conversation and say my peice.

I guess also I could go online and start a blog and try to get other people to
read it etc but that might be too much work for too little reward. Iunno.
It would be a fun side project though, at least in the fun classes. Also yes,
some classes are more fun and rewarding than others. That is part of my problem
right now. I’m talking a lot of classes that just don’t engage me enough,
and don’t generate enough ideas. There is no sense trying to argue that these
classes are actually good for me and that I need to adapt somehow. They are just
not efficient uses of my time.

Or, maybe it depends how I look at the classes. I mean, given the choice I might
not want to have to take states/research/ling, but I migh be able to make them
fun if I:
1. Look at the concepts from different angles, like trying to get deeper into them and
2. Bring out questions based on 1. in class.

So the motivation for doing them is still because have to do them instead of something
more intriguing. However, I can get a lot of fun out of it by doing steps 1. and 2.

If I only did step 1. I would have less motivation to read ahead because I wouldn’t
have a way of contributig based on that extra work.
If I only did 2. well in many cases that is what I have now. I mostly just do 2. and
it works out ok but not great.

I feel like there are a lot of external motivations that could come into play
in education. However I feel that a motivation that will be lasting and enjoyable
it needs to come from within.

So, just like lifting heavy things and running fast because it feels good, I would
rather focus on learning for the sake of learning. I feel like sometimes I become out
of touch with the enjoyment of learning for that sake. However, this could easily
be more about metabolic factors than anything else. When I discover/create a new idea
that is truely awesome, it is empowering and rewarding. The only time it’s…
THE ONLY TIME IT’S NOT, IS WHEN I AM FOCUSING SQUARILY ON WHAT I DON’T HAVE!
(not that I should never focus on what I don’t have, I am not sure, maybe, but
not sure) It seems like learning about sexuality has helped with my understanding of
the world. Although a lot of the big stuff like mbti was learned more for the sake of
finding intrinsic motivation and just plain fun.

When I’m not focused on what I don’t have btw, then there is no underlying goal for my
learning. I just learn because I want to know. Knowing, experiencing, is living.

It’s intrinsic. When people learn to focus in on the intrinsics, there will be
no more “work”. For instance, I’m going to work today not for the money. 34$ or something
for 4 hours of physical labor. I mean yeah it adds up, but I am more there for the
relationships and the physical activity.

People were getting slaves to do their work for them, because they couldn’t see that
the work was actually good for them.

So in order to get to this state where you are only focused on the intrinsic rewards,
I think it has a lot to do with dopamine. It’s like when you let go of all the things
that might be fun to have the dopamine receptors increase. Like, if you were to just
let yourself be bored. Then you would start day dreaming and being creative. I feel like
the getting creative part is what happens when the receptors finally start up regulating.

So if you could upregulate them earlier, through exercise etc, then you would find it
easier to let go of other shit, the extrinsic stuff, and just get motivated.

I feel like this is a big thing. I feel like here the ability of a human to self-acualize
could be improved by things like increase dopamine receptors. So in this sense, it seems
what people need is to be healthy mentally. I mean, understanding the concepts of abundance
and self reliance are important too, but when it comes to actually enjoyin the intrinsic
rewards, dopamine is the reward, so you need to be able to produce and utilize it or you
will just be a couch potatoe monk.

You could see dopamine receptors and that kind of thing as an internal awareness of

what we need to be doing with our time. If we don’t keep it healthy, we start to lose touch

with that internal compass thing. Not that we don’t need to be rational if we have it,

just that it is a drive.

Sexuality and Motivation

I feel like getting older, having more responsibilities, puts a dampener on what would otherwise by  very rampant sex drive. As I increase my sexual energy through a variety of means, as well as my level of optimism and confidence, I become aware that my ability to explore sexuality is dependent on my ability to handle my responsibilities.

If I want to be available when a willing partner is in the mood, for example, I need to have done all my homework and studying for tests ahead of time. So I am now losing interesting in procrastination. Also because of the idea that my sex drive might be lowered just by knowing there are things I have to do.

So one kind of life goal I guess wuld be to not have anything that “needs” doing anymore, or just to always be well ahead of dead lines. Also this makes me want to work, like get a better job etc so I can have that sense of freedom. This same thing happened last year around this time when I started jogging and working out and I think edging as well. So what should I do about it? I definitely want to stay in school. It feels like where I belong in a big way.

I believe this was my motivation for going to college the first time actually, or at least to study for personal trainining! I was doing the 7 day cycle and I think edging, and I just started focusing more and more on what I needed to do to have the sex life I wanted. I realize though that my ideas of ideal sex life were kind of naivee. Also the way I lost that steam I had going into college, I think had a bit to do with my change of sex habits to nofap hardmode, and less jogging etc. Anyways I hope now to come at this from a more refined angle/perspective.Based on the shit I am good at and where I will feel more at home.

On the bus my thoughts were: Maybe I could benifit by getting inolved in computer science.
Maybe also an important factor is that I’m cool with not doing everything all on my own also it would be a pretty good way of indirectly helping people believe more in themselves if I try to have us tackle a big goal..
I think I need to focus on what ideas I could contribute since this seems to a major strength along with my understanding of people.

I feel like getting older, having more responsibilities, puts a dampener on what would otherwise by  very rampant sex drive. As I increase my sexual energy through a variety of means, as well as my level of optimism and confidence, I become aware that my ability to explore sexuality is dependent on my ability to handle my responsibilities.

If I want to be available when a willing partner is in the mood, for example, I need to have done all my homework and studying for tests ahead of time. So I am now losing interesting in procrastination. Also because of the idea that my sex drive might be lowered just by knowing there are things I have to do.

So one kind of life goal I guess wuld be to not have anything that “needs” doing anymore, or just to always be well ahead of dead lines. Also this makes me want to work, like get a better job etc so I can have that sense of freedom. This same thing happened last year around this time when I started jogging and working out and I think edging as well. So what should I do about it? I definitely want to stay in school. It feels like where I belong in a big way.

I believe this was my motivation for going to college the first time actually, or at least to study for personal trainining! I was doing the 7 day cycle and I think edging, and I just started focusing more and more on what I needed to do to have the sex life I wanted. I realize though that my ideas of ideal sex life were kind of naivee. Also the way I lost that steam I had going into college, I think had a bit to do with my change of sex habits to nofap hardmode, and less jogging etc. Anyways I hope now to come at this from a more refined angle/perspective.Based on the shit I am good at and where I will feel more at home.

On the bus my thoughts were: Maybe I could benifit by getting inolved in computer science.
Maybe also an important factor is that I’m cool with not doing everything all on my own also it would be a pretty good way of indirectly helping people believe more in themselves if I try to have us tackle a big goal..
I think I need to focus on what ideas I could contribute since this seems to a major strength along with my understanding of people.

Ok, so my thoughts now are:

I feel like getting older, having more responsibilities, puts a dampener on what would otherwise by  very rampant sex drive. As I increase my sexual energy through a variety of means, as well as my level of optimism and confidence, I become aware that my ability to explore sexuality is dependent on my ability to handle my responsibilities.

If I want to be available when a willing partner is in the mood, for example, I need to have done all my homework and studying for tests ahead of time. So I am now losing interesting in procrastination. Also because of the idea that my sex drive might be lowered just by knowing there are things I have to do.

So one kind of life goal I guess wuld be to not have anything that “needs” doing anymore, or just to always be well ahead of dead lines. Also this makes me want to work, like get a better job etc so I can have that sense of freedom. This same thing happened last year around this time when I started jogging and working out and I think edging as well. So what should I do about it? I definitely want to stay in school. It feels like where I belong in a big way.

I believe this was my motivation for going to college the first time actually, or at least to study for personal trainining! I was doing the 7 day cycle and I think edging, and I just started focusing more and more on what I needed to do to have the sex life I wanted. I realize though that my ideas of ideal sex life were kind of naivee. Also the way I lost that steam I had going into college, I think had a bit to do with my change of sex habits to nofap hardmode, and less jogging etc. Anyways I hope now to come at this from a more refined angle/perspective.Based on the shit I am good at and where I will feel more at home.

On the bus my thoughts were: Maybe I could benifit by getting inolved in computer science.
Maybe also an important factor is that I’m cool with not doing everything all on my own also it would be a pretty good way of indirectly helping people believe more in themselves if I try to have us tackle a big goal..
I think I need to focus on what ideas I could contribute since this seems to a major strength along with my understanding of people.
Maybe I should focus on ideas that other people can implement.

Ok, so my thoughts now are:

I’ve already tried starting my own business and I don’t enjoy it. I don’t enjoy the isolation.
Also I don’t really have a business or money making idea. I mean sure I can think of some, just that none are very efficient, or if they are they require a huge amount of work upfront.
Also even just thinking about money right now, it totally psyches my out of studying and I have a test tmr.
One thing I haven’t really tried, and that seems most authentic, would be to just put everything into school.
What could that get me though? I need more than just good grades.
Hmmm, well I know there are opportunities to work while in school, but is that even the best use of my time? Especially when I have a part time job already with 2 years in and formed some great relationships.
I have ideas, but they are focused on living the life I want, not on money. My ideas are what has resulted in so many awesome discoveries.
I know what I can do. I can put everything into school. I can give it 110% and hope that in doing so I become exceptional to the point that I am respected by teachers as well as peers. To the point where jobs are guaranteed and, taking out a loan will not be an issue, and maybe I’ll even find ways into a business thing with the school or something crazy like that.
There wont be a quick way to supporting myself and school full time. At least not one that will allow me to work at my highest potential.
What focusing all this sexual energy on school will do is it will be the union of that sexual instinct to provide or whatever, and my natural intellectual inclinations. This seems like by far the best use of that energy I can think of right now.

Volunteerism = RPG Lifestyle: ENTP Volunteer Ideas

I basically blew my mind last night about this so now I want to put everything together again here.

In RPG an games in general, people are willing to do things for no reward except the fact that they are contributing the a world that does not even exist. As well, people exercise, walk, jog, ect, use physical energy for no reason. However, actually helping people in the real world for free most people don’t enjoy. Well, people exercise to not become unhealthy. I figure it’s that in video games the persons desire to make a significant contribution is satisfied where as in most jobs and volunteering it doesn’t seem to be the case. If it did, the person would enjoy helping, in much the same way as in hunter gatherer societies, bringing food back for the tribe was rewarding in itself.

For me, I am hard pressed to have some one pay my for working on a task I’m not “qualified” to do. However, I still want to work on those task. I realize that as a rational type, I find most satisfaction while working towards solving a problem. Probably not everyone feels this way but I do, and to the extent where I feel most alive, and maybe even most social, when I am working with people to achieve something. Especially(most) something I feel uses my at least some of my strengths.

I feel that for me at this point where I’m not qualified to be paid to do anything I feel is worth while, volunteering, especially in many different areas is probably the best way for me live basically. I mean, I need time for myself, just like I would take breaks from gaming, just not this much.

So what type of volunteering do I want to do? Well I realize if it doesn’t use my strengths I wont enjoy it or be motivated to do it. So what I think I would enjoy in whatever area I work in, is research. Working in research means building knowledge which is one small step way from applying that new knowledge, or using it to develop new ideas. However, research is not easy to get into, even on a volunteer basis, without at least some experience with statistic software ect. This makes me thing I should learn that stuff first, and fast. That makes me think I should either learn it ahead of time for my classes, or start a research group with some other people and find causes to research on. This way we can motivate each other and help each other learn fast. It just seems to me that even doing something that is my strength, like research, without the element of working with other people, it doesn’t feel meaningful. Like needing a quest in a video game.

I mean, maybe if I conducted research by asking people about their research, it would be social. That’s another idea. So conducting interviews with people about their research?

So my ideas so far(mainly for psychology):

– Volunteer as a researcher at school or with some other organization (probably mental hospital ect) *Quest style*
– Start a research club at school and/or online and pick a few good problems to focus on *Visionary style*
– Start a solo research project based on interviews (podcasts, youtube, or maybe just blog) *Casual relationship building style?*
– Do all of these*

Also another thing I think about is that I enjoy research when there are breakthroughs. “aha moments”. So I need to pick an area where I can have those or I’ll get bored fast. That’s another reason I prefer psychology over something like physics. In psychology, I am already having aha moments all the time.

Thoughts on fulfillment: Quests: See the last 2 paragraphs to learn about quests in real life!

*Long story short, and I mean long long story, I think the hero archetype that was inspired in me from movies, videogames, anime ect growing up could be fulfilled through volunteering with people where my strengths will be utilized. This would mean I could feel fulfilled long before any career becomes apparent. *

For a number of years, since high-school I guess, my focus, my obsession, was of becoming a hero of some sort. It was like, by biggest fantasy. I feel like my psyche was being built up to something. Something I was being more and more inspired to and attracted to by all the cool things I read and watched and played. Then my perspective when through some changes throughout college and I guess I become less optimistic about my passion. I started to feel like, to life out this fantasy of being the hero, taking pleasure in helping the helpless, is in a way unethical, not to mention what it would do to my self image and my outlook on reality if I achieved my goal. It would be a transitional period to say the least.

However, after giving that passion up, it seems I have nothing to fall back on. The only thing close to being such a hero, is in my dreams and in my fantasies. Next closest is this idea I had about simply being an “upstanding citezen”. Leading by example by doing the right thing in every situation. To me that then meant just doing what would make me happy, which I possible already disqualified myself from and with it off the table I simply looked at other options like music, art ect.

However, tonight I thought about the idea of a career, and work, and what it’s all about really. It’s all about contributing to society. So I can either contribute as a self sacrificing obligation, or simply for the money, or I can do something I actually find fulfilling. Either way the goal of contributing is to “do one’s part” in improving the world. The most fulfilling thing, may be to live out my fantasies of saving the world, or at least having the largest possible impact I can which I both hope and assume would mean using my strengths. I feel like what developed through what I might call the process of individuation that went on after highschool and through college, was philosophical for the most part, although I did develop a large knowledge base in general. I just feel that the thoughts I was having that were fulfillment oriented were based on heroism and philosophy/ethics.

I just put on the final fantasy X soundtrack because I feel like it really stands for everything I want out of life. The fulfillment of having a major impact through the use of my strengths, or at least the biggest impact possible and for it to be through my strengths, and then the adventure that comes with that lifestyle. See I’m not content to just be a student, taking in information. I feel like I need to be using my creativity in the way that will benefit the world the most. One thing that may be keeping me from using my creativity may be my environment. If I’m not around other people, hearing about their challenges, and in a position where I can make changes, then what can I do. What would even motivate me to do anything. So in someways I feel society itself stands in the way of me being fulfilled in contributing as I am not being given a chance. Not to say I am qualified, I couldn’t say. However, the difference between real life and video games, is in video games you are always qualified to contribute to saving the world. From the very start, you get a quest. There is no 4 year waiting time. There is not chrysalis stage of being/feeling removed from the rest of the world, in some bubble.

In good video games, the protagonist/player is invited to another world that needs their help. I guess in reality, the only way we can get the feeling of being needed in that way is if we make the effort to be involved. Once we make that effort, volunteer effort, in places where we actually fit in, where we know or strengths will be needed, we can get inspired by the surrounding needs, and in the case of entps, we can come up with ways to improve the situation for the people we are helping. It seems that as societies get larger, the rite of passage to become a contributing member of it becomes less and less defined, and less and less supported. However, I might even say this leaves people less self-actualized than men and women were/are in hunter gatherer societies where the work is already ct out for them. In hunter gatherer societies when men come back from a hunt, if they have caught something, their testosterone rises as they make their way back to the village with their food. It’s like a reward for a job well done. Not the best job relative to the nuclear physicists or whatever, but the best in context of their society. They are the heroes. Not only that, but the society supports I’m sure at least almost every one of them to learn as soon as possible how to be a contributing member of society in a that is very needed, that will have a huge impact on the welfare of the society. However, I guess I’m searching for that same level of impact, but in a way more advanced society, which does not see one person as having too much potential to affect it. So at the very least I will find a tribe/tribes within this society where my contributions will have that level of impact. That’s how this works I guess.

I enjoy helping my renovate his basement because I do have insights that end up being useful to him. Like more efficient ways of doing things. I might have to just volunteer in a lot of different places because it’s going to be hard to figure out exactly where my strengths will be best used. Academic areas will be a great start, so I hope to volunteer as a tutor for psych. However, I might need to volunteer in *politics, *governement or law enforcement, or some other socially aware campaigne in order to really get that sense of fulfillment. It’s not that I don’t have my own ideas. It’s just that most of them where inspired in a bubble and so they are less useful to the real world than what comes with actual experience of the world, not to mention I am less inspired to implement ideas with no meaningful target society. Also I wouldn’t mind starting smaller with more local organizations that I would be willing to support. I’d probably be going for non-profit, start-ups, ect, and probably ones doing more open-minded things so I feel more connected and useful.

****To end this post, I will say this, if anyone is interested in starting a local quest style thing where you get the names of organizations based on personal preferences, strengths, mbti, that a person would enjoy seeking quests from, I feel this may help put society on the right track as far as helping people find fulfillment earlier on in life. ****

I may do this at least for myself and the post the orgs for anyone else local to try as well.

 

 

Efficiency, Strategy, Creative Strategist, ENTP Careers

Whether it is the genetic efficiency of facial symmetry, or the linguistic efficiency of words that rhyme, it seems efficiency is strongly related to beauty.

Today I was thinking of my situation(wanting money to do more stuff with) from a few different perspectives. One was the idea of focusing on things I want in life and letting the value flow out of the achievements I make there. However the other perspective which I feel is extremely valid is that one of the things I want in life is financial freedom. This is valid in my opinion because it’s just like the idea of building a house, which I would love to do, if only it was legal, but I would have to have so many certifications ect. I feel lie my personality type thrives on solving it’s problems in the most efficient way possible. I also feel almost like my reward circuitry is a bit related to that of a hunter gatherer, where value comes from quick kills of quick finds, no excessive drawn out work. The “finds” are the ideas that are easily actionable and take not too long to implement but save lot’s of time and energy.

I think what sparked this whole efficiency thing was that at work when people order certain meals, I sometimes spot alternative ways they could place their order where they save money and so I tell them. So I realized I just made someone 2 dollars through financial strategy.

So the more I thought about efficiency, the more I realized how much of the way I work is focused on maximizing efficiency. I am a rational type after all and therefore strategic. It’s not that I don’t have passions beyond efficiency, just that I need to make the process of pursuing my passions as efficient as possible, time, energy and especially emotionally. This is where all the language learning research came from. I’m not content to take 5 years to learn a language, or to drill the same words endlessly. I feel that maybe ENTPs are “efficiency sensitive” meaning our motivation depends on efficiency and is driven by it.

Now this next bit will be even more out there:

In a previous post I stated briefly the idea that “the universe is running on love” could be true in that everything happens going by the path of least resistance. The only thing that sometimes doesn’t do this is the human consciousness when we choose to hate ourselves do things out of that place, instead of things that come naturally.

To continue that thought I can say the universe is running on efficiency, or striving for greater efficiency. This is why humans who are the most healthy, are on average the most attractive, and on average their genes run on the most efficiency algorithms.

I’m not sure if all types would consciously want to strive towards efficiency, but I think many NT types would at least to some extent. I feel that when it comes to making a living, which in North America really means “making a thriving”(not complaining either), for me, my best bet would be to focus on efficiency in my life, (and maybe in other peoples although I’ll come back to this), to the exclusion of any specific field of study. Just, my field of study will be efficiency of humanity, or something like that. I feel that with my Ne and Ti, I would be able to put my natural inventiveness to excellent use in this strategic fashion. I actually already do so when push comes to shove, like at work, and when I do chores at home. As well, as someone else said at some point on some blog, being frugal becomes addictive. I guess because it’s strategy in action. However, I don’t think being frugal is enough because I want to create new value.

Also I don’t think I want to focus on a goal that is too long either. I mean, that wouldn’t be as efficient as something I could do in one day and reap benefits for a long time. See someone who isn’t looking for those kinds of ideas, thinking along those lines, how could they find them. No, they’ll just keep working hard long hours because they aren’t sensitive to the redundancy.

Anyways, so will I learn programming? Sure, if I need to, like to move the contents of a bunch of sticky notes into a note pad, I could create a batch file or something.

Also if I think about some of the greatest inventors of our time (steve jobs), what they did was make something more efficient. A computer for everyone, a car for everyone, a store for everything, ect. Then there is the programming stuff which apparently efficiency has such a huge role in.

Also efficiency strategies give me a sense of achievement, and I love the fact that making work more efficient would mean having to do less of it! Or even just getting more for less work, ect.

Links:

After writing this post I decided to do some research to see if there was a trend of entps feeling the same way and I found: http://personalitycafe.com/entp-forum-visionaries/59070-perfection-efficiency-self-improvements-driving-personal-values-your-life-2.html

Then more searching lead me to this guy: http://backwardstimemachine.wordpress.com/about-2/

which lead me to the term “creative strategist”:

https://www.google.ca/search?q=creative+strategist&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8&aq=t&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&client=firefox-a&channel=sb&gfe_rd=cr&ei=xhKZU-60HOjL8gfmp4DoDg

http://adage.com/article/gennext/creative-strategist-role-future/131334/

http://www.peterjthomson.com/2011/11/what-is-strategist

http://simonjamesdean.com/Simon_James_Dean/Creative_Strategist.html

This actually seems to suit my idea very well as far as focusing my strengths on efficiency. I am pretty sure I already any opportunity to use my strengths to help other people, because the the (E) maybe. However, if I were to focus on making my life more efficient, for one I feel I already naturally do make it more efficient in that I make fun and happiness as accessible as possible. Beyond that I’m thinking I would be far more motivated to make someone else’s life more efficient than my own. I can see this as a strength and as a weakness. It’s a strength because it means I will naturally gravitate towards solving other peoples problems which is pretty organic in that I am giving value to others and so it would make sense that I am given value in return. However, I can see this as a weakness in that I’m dependent on other people to appreciate what I do, for me to even be motivated to work on something. I could just focus on making my life more efficient in the job I have and not even worry about anything else, however that seems short sighted.

I mean I could start an ebay business or something and try to automate everything about it, but I’m leaning towards the “do cool shit” philanthroprenuer idea of just finding businesses I believe in and am/become a part of, and then help them become more efficient(enable them to create more value somehow), hopefully leading to a job or some recognition.

It’s about increasing the efficiency in areas I believe in, which could be something I start for myself or for others, that I believe in, but for now it seems like it will be something others have started already that I am becoming a part of. At least as far as making money is concerned. I mean I’ll do the stuff I believe in already, but for making money I’ll have to sell my strengths to others in this way, as when I utilize these strengths for my own personal use, the end result is not as marketable, although extremely valuable. As well it’s not like I’m only focused on businesses, I’m focused on anyone who could use strategy, like with the customer today.

Really, money is a measure of contribution to society. My philosophy is that everyone enjoys contributing if it is from their strengths. There seems little point for me to turn money into something else like something personal, if I don’t naturally feel that way. I mean naturally when I want money it’s a single minded thing, not like I want to do this and it just so happens to sell. I’m contributing to society so I make money which can buy stuff society produces that I don’t feel like producing myself. So I’m already interdependent as far as wanting stuff someone else made. It seems like a romantic notion that a person has a craft, they make someone and sell/trade it. There are still people who do this though, like programmers who make web apps ect, maybe even stuff that increases efficiency. However I feel programming is not as efficient as free creativity which can create ideas for any market.

Also the reason I would target businesses instead of just people is because with businesses their goal is to make money, so if I help them make money, it’s like I’m part of business and will feel like I should be compensated, where as if I help people with things in their lives it’s like I’m doing them a favor. Of course I’ll still help people where I can, but I wont charge or anything.

In selling my service to business I would kind of be saying, “nice business, it would be my pleasure to show you how to make it even better so it makes you more money. Then give me some!”

 

Rekindling ENTP Creativity: Improvisation

I just realized that ENTPs on the whole are very good at improvising. Not sure if this is the result or the cause of our impatience when it comes to goals and need for novelty, but it seems like it is the solution to these things. I realize the only work I’ve been doing for myself and keeping up with persistently has been this blog in which I never really write with a structure, I just improvise, writing thoughts as I think them. On the other hand, when it comes to goals I think I might enjoy like writing a story, or doing art, or music, I feel that I need to sit down and follow other peoples guidelines as far as workflow in order to create something worth while. Meaning if I want to produce music I have to “compose” a piece, not simply perform the piece. I feel like this logic has been to the detriment of my creativity.

See I’ve been wondering why do I not feel like doing any of the things I want to do lol, if that makes sense. I thought maybe it was that I just had no energy and needed to be around people, and to some extent this may be true but I feel there is more too it. I mean when I walk to work I sing so it’s not like I don’t have the energy to, and I don’t even do it for other people, just for myself. The thing is, I’m not focusing on composing a piece when I’m singing. I’m just performing, just experiencing the love of the music in a powerful way. So if I were to write my own music, my own poetry or rap, I think I would thusly focus on just performing, so improvising, and not trying to build something, plan something. It’s the same as with my life philosophy I guess. I try not to plan everything out for my life because I don’t want to know what will happen because if I know then the wonder is gone. So maybe that’s part of why I wouldn’t enjoy planning out the building of a story or musical piece, it’s like I’m finding out the end of the story, and I’m not enjoying it either, I’m just creating it, finishing it, not really experiencing it, or speaking through it, like I could if I were performing improvisation.

I also think about magic the gathering where sure I enjoy the deck building process, but mostly because I know I will get to perform with it, it’s like building an musical instrument to play with afterwards. So I think what I want to do is focus on expressing my self through art but through the improvising of artistic expression this time. I guess I’ll focus on rap and maybe on an instrument where I can just create cool harmonies.

End of evening thoughts:

Maybe it is important to keep busy like someone casually mentioned t to me last night. By busy I mean social commitments.  Today I didn’t have as much time to myself because after school I had to meet a friend for some TIFF polish movies which were exceptional. I realized after the first movie when I wanted to go home and my friend really wanted me to stay, that I would be walking away from an opportunity for exactly what I had been look for. I would be running towards loneliness. So I realized it was like a kind of compulsion for me to want to be alone because I really didn’t have any goals to work on that I truly believed in, I would just be walking towards a self-harming experience. So I stayed for the second movie and afterwards our analytical discussion flowed effortlessly.

Also I will not that before leaving the house I actually started working on a song, got the harmony out which I feel is the most important part then I left. On the way to the bus I felt a feeling I hadn’t felt in a while. A feeling like an altered state of consciousness, a state that I used to slip into after working on music which was usually pretty cool but sometimes disturbing. However it is a part of me, it makes me feel more whole, and I’m thinking it’s something I can only get from the process of creating music for myself. It’s definitely a centering experience on par with dreams and I think story writing when I’m in the mood, as if the fact that you are expressing yourself and it’s being fed back into you and feeling good, makes it centering, like you are all you need kinda thing?/. I’m just wondering if it was the music that centered me, or the fact that I had limited time and a social commitment that triggers/ed that state more . I also wonder if it was the social commitment that gave me the energy to create, or the fact that I decided I would improvise and not try to do to much gave me free reign to just make something that makes me feel good.

When I think about making more music now after just completing what I did, it feels stressful again. I wonder if it’s the fact that I’m giving no specific end to the music making, I’m just saying make more, like forever?

« Older entries

%d bloggers like this: