I just started a Mandarin Blog

Before I get to the Mandarin:

I’ll get to the mandarin in a second, first I wanna talk about art. I realized that when doing art and I guess music as well, I am way more motivated when working towards a goal that I will benefit from, rather than just practice. I find I learn pretty fast already and that I can learn things as I go. Practicing just to be practicing…to possible “master” something eventually, doesn’t appeal to me as much and I think that holds me back from any practice at all. So I realized I should probably focus on acquiring skills through purposeful use of them.

The Mandarin(not the restaurant…unless you are asking me out. In either case the following bracket is to close this aside, not to create a sad face with the colon that follows it):

Now for the mandarin bit, if you haven’t guessed already. I decided I should try to find a way to do the same for mandarin, and I realized one of the best ways would be to create a journal. Btw, I can’t help but notice my art ideas(a comic at least) and my Mandarin ideas (blog) are both very social in nature and I am motivated by this I THINK, but I wasn’t a few weeks ago…like back when I wasn’t on nofap. Just throwing that out there as it’s (common)knowledge that testosterone is a pro-social hormone.

Anyways, so as soon as I started making that first post I realized, wow there is a lot of review going on here. First I have to copy and paste from google translate, double checking the characters seem to say what I want to say. Also I can look at the pinyin for the words. Then I have to copy and paste the keywords again for tags. Then I have to search for keywords in the categories, or in this case add new ones as I had no categories as it was my first post.

I think  should do more of this, just immersing myself in Chinese, using it in my life. Using it to express myself.

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Aesthetic Appreciation and Sex Drive

First I’m gonna through some links at ya…:

This is where some guys describe how they are more sensitive to music after ejaculation: http://www.quora.com/Why-do-I-become-very-sensitive-to-music-right-after-I-ejaculate

This is an article about how artists have more sexual partners and that the number of partners is positively correlated to how seriously they pursue their artistic direction:http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/health-news/does-creativity-depend-on-raging-hormones-520787.html

Here is another about musical appreciation after ejaculation: https://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20140327134618AAFBkwt

Now, what I want to discuss may not be so clear from these links because it is related to something I’ve realized while doing this NoFap thing. It is that when I am masturbating normally, I am more musical, or so it seems. I started creating music again with a vengeance after I started masturbating again after a 2 year celibacy/nofap period. During the no fap period I don’t recall creating any music. As well, now that I have started another round of nofap I find myself becoming less interested in making music…but that could just be coincidental and it’s probably too soon to say.

However, what I think could be said, is that while on nofap I become more fashion conscious. Beyond that I feel I become more aware of visual aesthetics in general, at lease when it comes to women, but I think just generally.

Let me throw this philosophical link at ya, which talks about nietzshe describes a subconscious will made up of sex drive and artistic desire which he believes has the power to transform a person, society, world,etc: http://artintelligence.net/review/?p=824

I wonder about this. How important aesthetics are. I know I value beauty highly. The thing is, there seems to be this attitude among lot’s of people that beauty is just a luxury. However, I believe it is far more than that. Not just because of passion, or psychosomatic effects, but for abstract, algorithmic secrets that beauty holds which even if we only sense in what seems to be a primitive appreciation, is actually a path we can follow to new ways of being.

Now for some reflection:

For a long time I have thought, if I’m going to dress really cool, like a video game character level of cool, then shouldn’t I also be doing video game level stuff, like action packed saving the world type stuff? Otherwise it’s like all bark and no bite. Flashy but ineffective. Etc.

Now though what I realize is that to create beauty, you have to have power already, which everyone does, it’s personal power we all have. We have power, to express our beauty. So Beauty implies power. However, power does not imply beauty, at least in the terms people think of power to be, such as nuclear arms, money, etc. Although if we later realize that beauty is the true source of happiness, even in some abstract way, then we can maybe say the nuclear arms and money are actually not power at all if they are used by someone who doesn’t want to create and express beauty, because they are dis-empowered in not wanting to do so.

Anyways, what I think now, is that we need to be our own type of hero, not the type people make action films about, unless that need actually arises in your life. The type of hero I feel is needed in mine is the type that is authentic in their appreciation of beauty, and works to build that through their lifestyle, and grow in powers of expressing that into their world to the benefit of them and everyone else who can appreciate it.

Sexuality and Motivation

I feel like getting older, having more responsibilities, puts a dampener on what would otherwise by  very rampant sex drive. As I increase my sexual energy through a variety of means, as well as my level of optimism and confidence, I become aware that my ability to explore sexuality is dependent on my ability to handle my responsibilities.

If I want to be available when a willing partner is in the mood, for example, I need to have done all my homework and studying for tests ahead of time. So I am now losing interesting in procrastination. Also because of the idea that my sex drive might be lowered just by knowing there are things I have to do.

So one kind of life goal I guess wuld be to not have anything that “needs” doing anymore, or just to always be well ahead of dead lines. Also this makes me want to work, like get a better job etc so I can have that sense of freedom. This same thing happened last year around this time when I started jogging and working out and I think edging as well. So what should I do about it? I definitely want to stay in school. It feels like where I belong in a big way.

I believe this was my motivation for going to college the first time actually, or at least to study for personal trainining! I was doing the 7 day cycle and I think edging, and I just started focusing more and more on what I needed to do to have the sex life I wanted. I realize though that my ideas of ideal sex life were kind of naivee. Also the way I lost that steam I had going into college, I think had a bit to do with my change of sex habits to nofap hardmode, and less jogging etc. Anyways I hope now to come at this from a more refined angle/perspective.Based on the shit I am good at and where I will feel more at home.

On the bus my thoughts were: Maybe I could benifit by getting inolved in computer science.
Maybe also an important factor is that I’m cool with not doing everything all on my own also it would be a pretty good way of indirectly helping people believe more in themselves if I try to have us tackle a big goal..
I think I need to focus on what ideas I could contribute since this seems to a major strength along with my understanding of people.

I feel like getting older, having more responsibilities, puts a dampener on what would otherwise by  very rampant sex drive. As I increase my sexual energy through a variety of means, as well as my level of optimism and confidence, I become aware that my ability to explore sexuality is dependent on my ability to handle my responsibilities.

If I want to be available when a willing partner is in the mood, for example, I need to have done all my homework and studying for tests ahead of time. So I am now losing interesting in procrastination. Also because of the idea that my sex drive might be lowered just by knowing there are things I have to do.

So one kind of life goal I guess wuld be to not have anything that “needs” doing anymore, or just to always be well ahead of dead lines. Also this makes me want to work, like get a better job etc so I can have that sense of freedom. This same thing happened last year around this time when I started jogging and working out and I think edging as well. So what should I do about it? I definitely want to stay in school. It feels like where I belong in a big way.

I believe this was my motivation for going to college the first time actually, or at least to study for personal trainining! I was doing the 7 day cycle and I think edging, and I just started focusing more and more on what I needed to do to have the sex life I wanted. I realize though that my ideas of ideal sex life were kind of naivee. Also the way I lost that steam I had going into college, I think had a bit to do with my change of sex habits to nofap hardmode, and less jogging etc. Anyways I hope now to come at this from a more refined angle/perspective.Based on the shit I am good at and where I will feel more at home.

On the bus my thoughts were: Maybe I could benifit by getting inolved in computer science.
Maybe also an important factor is that I’m cool with not doing everything all on my own also it would be a pretty good way of indirectly helping people believe more in themselves if I try to have us tackle a big goal..
I think I need to focus on what ideas I could contribute since this seems to a major strength along with my understanding of people.

Ok, so my thoughts now are:

I feel like getting older, having more responsibilities, puts a dampener on what would otherwise by  very rampant sex drive. As I increase my sexual energy through a variety of means, as well as my level of optimism and confidence, I become aware that my ability to explore sexuality is dependent on my ability to handle my responsibilities.

If I want to be available when a willing partner is in the mood, for example, I need to have done all my homework and studying for tests ahead of time. So I am now losing interesting in procrastination. Also because of the idea that my sex drive might be lowered just by knowing there are things I have to do.

So one kind of life goal I guess wuld be to not have anything that “needs” doing anymore, or just to always be well ahead of dead lines. Also this makes me want to work, like get a better job etc so I can have that sense of freedom. This same thing happened last year around this time when I started jogging and working out and I think edging as well. So what should I do about it? I definitely want to stay in school. It feels like where I belong in a big way.

I believe this was my motivation for going to college the first time actually, or at least to study for personal trainining! I was doing the 7 day cycle and I think edging, and I just started focusing more and more on what I needed to do to have the sex life I wanted. I realize though that my ideas of ideal sex life were kind of naivee. Also the way I lost that steam I had going into college, I think had a bit to do with my change of sex habits to nofap hardmode, and less jogging etc. Anyways I hope now to come at this from a more refined angle/perspective.Based on the shit I am good at and where I will feel more at home.

On the bus my thoughts were: Maybe I could benifit by getting inolved in computer science.
Maybe also an important factor is that I’m cool with not doing everything all on my own also it would be a pretty good way of indirectly helping people believe more in themselves if I try to have us tackle a big goal..
I think I need to focus on what ideas I could contribute since this seems to a major strength along with my understanding of people.
Maybe I should focus on ideas that other people can implement.

Ok, so my thoughts now are:

I’ve already tried starting my own business and I don’t enjoy it. I don’t enjoy the isolation.
Also I don’t really have a business or money making idea. I mean sure I can think of some, just that none are very efficient, or if they are they require a huge amount of work upfront.
Also even just thinking about money right now, it totally psyches my out of studying and I have a test tmr.
One thing I haven’t really tried, and that seems most authentic, would be to just put everything into school.
What could that get me though? I need more than just good grades.
Hmmm, well I know there are opportunities to work while in school, but is that even the best use of my time? Especially when I have a part time job already with 2 years in and formed some great relationships.
I have ideas, but they are focused on living the life I want, not on money. My ideas are what has resulted in so many awesome discoveries.
I know what I can do. I can put everything into school. I can give it 110% and hope that in doing so I become exceptional to the point that I am respected by teachers as well as peers. To the point where jobs are guaranteed and, taking out a loan will not be an issue, and maybe I’ll even find ways into a business thing with the school or something crazy like that.
There wont be a quick way to supporting myself and school full time. At least not one that will allow me to work at my highest potential.
What focusing all this sexual energy on school will do is it will be the union of that sexual instinct to provide or whatever, and my natural intellectual inclinations. This seems like by far the best use of that energy I can think of right now.

Sex Drive: Dopamine Receptors

So I’ll list the things I did today, the things I that I think contributed,
then I’ll list the possible confounding variables,
then I’ll give what I’ve concluded.

What I did:

Control Breakfast of french toast. Wheat could have been a factor
in low sex drive but I eat it anyways so as not to test to many variables
at once, not to mention I’ve had a high sexdrive with french toast before.

Oh, I also started with a cup of skim milk, last bit I had left.
I’m assuming the effects of tyrosine wouldn’t persiste beyond a few hours
so I’m assuming the result wasn’t caused by this, although I could be
wrong.

Felt a sugar high from the milk.

Went to gym, tried to bench but wasn’t feeling it, the sugar high
was wearing off and leaving me feeling uncoordinated. So instead I
hoped on the treadmill for 28? minutes.

Left feeling refreshed.

Went to the right class but an hour early. Stood in the isle lookin for a
seat and a girl point for me to sit in some seats behind me. 3rd time since working
on my serotonin that I was basically given a place to sit. Second time was wednesday
where a girl tapped me on the shoulder to sit beside her in empty seat. I think
it’s cause I’m so confident as to stand around scanning the seats for a while, that
it is attractive and girls use it as an invitation. The girl today looked back at
me. Anyways as I said I quickly realized I was in the wrong class.

I stretched and did Hanzi.

no lunch.

Went to class.

Drank lot’s of water.

After class, went home. I was going to by food but I actually felt
a bit of a horniness feeling and wanted to see how far it would get
if I didn’t eat. On the bus I felt a bit of sex drive and arousal when
an attractive lady was seated infront of me.

Had my second meal at 2:30pm, first one was at 8:15am?
so 6.5 hours apart.

It was wild rice (wheat) and salmon rose fryed in olive oil.

At around 3:00pm as I lay on bed surfing on lap top I felt more
sex drive and arousal than before.

What I think contributed:

my hypothesis for today was that it could be my dopamin receptors being
low, instead of the need for more dopamine or testosterone.

So Jogging would help cause it increases both dop and receptors
Then The long wait between meals with no snack in between would
have increased them more. Then a meal with salmon for
tyrosin but that was not very large, and stopping all eating after
words, would do the rest.

Also last night wasn’t the best for sleep, although I had a crzy dream.
Also, no zinc last night, I’ve run out. Obviously from the whole week
of low sex drive, I’ve decided zinc is not a main factor,
at least not in sex drive, although maybe in muscle recovery ect.

So cardio, and meal restriction

What could make my results meaningless:
The glass of skim milk, if the idea is the tyrosine was
building up over the last few days and today’s glass
was just enough to perk up my sex drive.

—–

Placebo.

lactic acid from joggin increased testosterone somehow more than weight
training had been.

I had been eating turkey sausages and bananas for the last 2 weeks,
which I guess concluded yesterday?

My conclusion:

Well I’m not really concluding anything here. What I’m deciding is
to continue working with the dopamine receptors and remove the variables
that are causing a problem.

Milk is done
—-
For now I’ll refrain from turkey and bananas and
instead just do enough cardio and hope my mood remains confident.

I’ll continue on a 3 meal a day with the meals spaced 8:30am, 2:30pm, 8:30pm,
sticking to foods that don’t leave me feeling overly indulged as peanuts do.
I’ll try to walk often and jog when possible, sleep well, weights.

More notes:

After eating lunch, in teh first 30min after I started feeling arousal,
however by 4pm I was just really tired, almost depressed. I had an impulse
to eat something thinking maybe that’s what I needed to feel better, but I
ignored it cause I realize that impulse is part of the problem, and the wheat
probably the other part.

I feel refreshed so it seems that just like with breakfast sometimes,
after I eat lunch I’ll have a 2hr period of feeling like shit. Well, also it was
the “seista” time, so it’s naturally a low energy period. I think though that
meal content and activity level around the time plays a big role too. I always feel
tired after eating that wild rice. Definitly not as bad as if it was white bread,
however, white/basmati rice might have been better. Also I drank a lot of water
right before going to the bathroom. Makes sense that the rice would be dehydrating.
heh, and I would have just ate more food.

Also, I feel like beyond all the things I will refrain from now that I see
how important it is to stop seeking these forms of positive emotion
from outside, I’m probably going to need something to do to. Not a distraction,
but a passion.

oh yeah, and increasin d receptors increases d apparently?
And increased d decreases prolactin which let’s t increase,
which would kind of immunize me against wet dream losses of sex drive.

Also, and this is something extremely important. When I was a kid, I had lot’s
of energy and extrovertion, and sex drive even. I could never figure out where all that
went. I realize now that as a child, well for one thing I had wasn’t always in a good
mood, especially when I was really hungry or thirsty or had too much sugar.
However, the secret I just discovered, was exactly that. Well not the sugar, but the fact
that I was hungry often. Like, I only got three meals a day. At least until friends would
bring snacks some times and I’d have some. I would have breakfast, lunch,
oh and a snack at day care, and then dinner. For me though, my meals were often not always
enough, also weekends and summer I think it was just the three meals.

Also I feel kind of like my memory is better now. Iunno, are my thoughts clearer?
Or am I just on a thread that automatically allows me to jog my memory. “Diet
through time”. Iunno, I expect my memory and thinking to get better as I do this
in conjuction with cardio.

Three meals, no snacks, no super fatty food.

Thoughts of the creative impulse, and health for inspiration, and the present

With every jog my spirit finds new food to eat
with every song I write, a mile in new shoes, new feet
Without the lows, the highs would not be as sweet
without the challenges, the success would not be reached

I write this as kind of a description of more creative impulse as it
stands presently. It feels like with the high serotonin I have now from all the things I’m going right, iunno, I feel the importance of music more. Not just based on how high serotonin means more enjoyment of music. Also I feel the congitive and spiritual aspects of it. Every song is like a new story, a new experience, and it doesn’t fade from memory like the every day things. Instead every song I put effort into and love becomes like adding another soul, or another sense or something, it’s quite significant.

I’ve been doing a lot of things right these days:
eating more vegies, brocoli and carrots
more protien (although I want to avoid more sentient animals like chicken)
More salmon which I feel does something other meat doesn’t
more jogging
more weight training
more being out of the house
more sleep(because more jogging)
no dairy
no white bread
MO
zinc+vit d combo
shower in morning to relax me
lots of peanuts which I’m not sure bad or good
then all the mental processes I’ve wrote about in this blog
it seems a lot of it is coming together
maybe also the fact that it’s summer and I’m getting a lot of sun this year
just from being out and about
also extra curriculars

Iunno, I’d still like to work on calming my mind now as I’ve spent a lot on just figuring out what I want to do, looking and a lot of different options, now that I seem to be settling in more, I think I need to relax my mind so I can be more present, iunno.

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