The Drive for Authenticity, for Being Human

So to summarize the last little bit there:

For the longest time I have been in search of a life full of meaning.
I thought it should be like an action packed movie or game.
As I grew older the urgency grew as I started to feel less and less human,
living in the same house of my providers, not being able to
provide for myself even, let alone do something meaningful.

Tonight I felt the cold winter wind on my face and hands, and I
retreated into the warmth of my parents house, only to realize I was
running away from the possibility of being truly authentic, which I would
be if I had no home to turn to, and had to fight for my survival, for any
shred of warmth, even against society.

I listened to the opening song of a show and realized not all music I love
urges me to live out the fantasies of some other person’s story.
So I realized there was an origional part of me, that music could go with.

I realized part of me would rather freeze to death than live in
an inauthentic and dependant way, but that going back out into the night
then, would be a waste, a step in the wrong direction. However, so would
moving towards a job in a feild that would just be making a living.

So I realized I would rather continue with school, and more philosophy
especially, and possibly end up in the cold at a later point, after having
tried to make a difference to the best of my abilities. If that happened, I
would accept it, and do my best, and it would be me, and I would be proud,
and turn my nose up at anyone or anything that didn’t see why I’ve won.

Rather that, than spend any amount of time trying to secure a job I don’t
believe I should be doing, to be supported by a society in which I would
not be living authentically.

So, I have a very strong need now, to make something of this path that I
have chosen. I need it, as if I were still outside trying to get in.


Post-Capitalism: Intrinsic Motivation: Finding mine in school

I had this theory that the universe was based on randomness and duplication. If this were true it would make sense that the two things that would help me thrive would be the motivation for sex(duplication) and for awe(unpredictable?) Still the the idea that it is a “competition” between those two drives doesn’t seem that efficient. However, it feels like what they guy from personality junkie said about NPs is sound in that a lot of the ideas I come across seem almost by accident like it is the universal impulse.

Now, I could just try to focus on reading the text books and doing the homework for the possible ideas I will stumble on and the connections I happen to make. I am working to motivate myself from within an educational system that is not built specifically for me so I have to figure out how to work it. Or maybe the system is fine, and it’s just like jogging where I have to get used to it.

The other possibility is that the universe is made up of not randomness but a system. This makes sense in that the big bang would be a cause, and the rest would be the effect. So if we rewound this to the start and initiated the same bang, we would get the same result. So it isn’t random is it?

It makes more sense that the human then is a system with an urge for duplication
among other elements of it’s system.

My question was, does it make sense for me to have a specific goal, or is it
better to just focus on learning more. Goals are what brought me here in the
first place. Maybe “here” is the goal.

I’ve thought about this before actually. It’s good to have goals that come
to you, but trying to seek out goals to have seems like not the best idea.
It seems unessesary.

Also, why do I get so much more motivation in class where as at home I don’t
just sit around reading the text book. Well, it could be that exchanging ideas
with other people, exressing my ideas, IS a goal for me. If this were the case
it would be good as the more the ideas flow the more can be done for society.
Also my motivation for studying outside of class would be to be ahead so I can
keep up with the conversation and say my peice.

I guess also I could go online and start a blog and try to get other people to
read it etc but that might be too much work for too little reward. Iunno.
It would be a fun side project though, at least in the fun classes. Also yes,
some classes are more fun and rewarding than others. That is part of my problem
right now. I’m talking a lot of classes that just don’t engage me enough,
and don’t generate enough ideas. There is no sense trying to argue that these
classes are actually good for me and that I need to adapt somehow. They are just
not efficient uses of my time.

Or, maybe it depends how I look at the classes. I mean, given the choice I might
not want to have to take states/research/ling, but I migh be able to make them
fun if I:
1. Look at the concepts from different angles, like trying to get deeper into them and
2. Bring out questions based on 1. in class.

So the motivation for doing them is still because have to do them instead of something
more intriguing. However, I can get a lot of fun out of it by doing steps 1. and 2.

If I only did step 1. I would have less motivation to read ahead because I wouldn’t
have a way of contributig based on that extra work.
If I only did 2. well in many cases that is what I have now. I mostly just do 2. and
it works out ok but not great.

I feel like there are a lot of external motivations that could come into play
in education. However I feel that a motivation that will be lasting and enjoyable
it needs to come from within.

So, just like lifting heavy things and running fast because it feels good, I would
rather focus on learning for the sake of learning. I feel like sometimes I become out
of touch with the enjoyment of learning for that sake. However, this could easily
be more about metabolic factors than anything else. When I discover/create a new idea
that is truely awesome, it is empowering and rewarding. The only time it’s…
(not that I should never focus on what I don’t have, I am not sure, maybe, but
not sure) It seems like learning about sexuality has helped with my understanding of
the world. Although a lot of the big stuff like mbti was learned more for the sake of
finding intrinsic motivation and just plain fun.

When I’m not focused on what I don’t have btw, then there is no underlying goal for my
learning. I just learn because I want to know. Knowing, experiencing, is living.

It’s intrinsic. When people learn to focus in on the intrinsics, there will be
no more “work”. For instance, I’m going to work today not for the money. 34$ or something
for 4 hours of physical labor. I mean yeah it adds up, but I am more there for the
relationships and the physical activity.

People were getting slaves to do their work for them, because they couldn’t see that
the work was actually good for them.

So in order to get to this state where you are only focused on the intrinsic rewards,
I think it has a lot to do with dopamine. It’s like when you let go of all the things
that might be fun to have the dopamine receptors increase. Like, if you were to just
let yourself be bored. Then you would start day dreaming and being creative. I feel like
the getting creative part is what happens when the receptors finally start up regulating.

So if you could upregulate them earlier, through exercise etc, then you would find it
easier to let go of other shit, the extrinsic stuff, and just get motivated.

I feel like this is a big thing. I feel like here the ability of a human to self-acualize
could be improved by things like increase dopamine receptors. So in this sense, it seems
what people need is to be healthy mentally. I mean, understanding the concepts of abundance
and self reliance are important too, but when it comes to actually enjoyin the intrinsic
rewards, dopamine is the reward, so you need to be able to produce and utilize it or you
will just be a couch potatoe monk.

You could see dopamine receptors and that kind of thing as an internal awareness of

what we need to be doing with our time. If we don’t keep it healthy, we start to lose touch

with that internal compass thing. Not that we don’t need to be rational if we have it,

just that it is a drive.

Sustainable Life: Self Love + Connecting with others = Freedom

So my response to the situation of property leading to a loss of freedom.
We wouldn’t be satisfied if we were each given a planet to roam on our own so more property
is not the answer. The problem was that the natural state of man was one of scarcity were we had to do whatever we could to make sure enough of us survived. That included competing against neighboring tribes and even more, it meant parents pitting the young against each other and placing value judgements(inequality) which became a disease that persisted far beyond the end of scarcity. This disease that remains now is the disease of human connection. It is the reason we still choose property over each other. It is because there was a time when that might have been necessary to retain human life. Human life I guess is paramount over human connection as without life there can be no connection. What we have left is a residual inflammation.
We need to heal that so we can move on, and it’s gonna be fun!

One source of residual inflammation is the compulsion to be loved by someone else. The signal of not being loved stems from a time when there was scarcity and a parent could only love a child who would help the family survive.
If you can stop needing people’s love in the main ways we compulsively do:

Individualization: Praise, admiration, recognition etc
Biological: Sex, sexual appreciation, etc
Philosophical: Bad ideology about your own worth etc, especially based on other peoples selfish views.

To the point where you stop seeking out people for these reasons and stop even striving for goals for this purpose,


If you can focus on things that make you feel love for it’s own sake

Biological: Exercise, sleep, diet
Individualization: This you are just inspired to do
Philosophical: Realizing the only person worth trying to please is yourself, and how liberating it is to not depend on other peoples love for your own happiness.

Then you reach that point of self love and a new form of freedom.

This is freedom is the freedom to connect with another human being and share with them and experience with them and learn from them.

Social guide lines:

You can make yourself happy so you don’t need anyone else to see any value in you beyond your ability to share experiences with them and connect with them. That should be the only prerequisite to being a “friend”. Being able to connect. An

Ask them about themselves. What do they like, what are they doing, etc.
If you already get love from within you don’t need to make any conversation about yourself. You find in them the things you can relate to(might be hard to find in some and may require specific situations where a common interest/need comes to light). So you are not seeking love from them, you are also not necessarily seeking to love them. You are seeking the overlap between you two so you can connect and share based on that. You find the overlap, and you … overlap them, creating a stronger version of that thing. Like how you laugh louder in a theater with other people. Or how two heads are better than one.

This is the new freedom we have. It is the freedom to connect with others and share.

North American Cognitive style: “There is no society, only individuals”

Wester or at leat North American cognitive style is about disassembling things into there parts where as eastern cognitive style is about seeing things as holistic and all encompassing.

Where a North American might say, there is no society, only individuals, someone from the east might say the opposite. That there are no individuals, only society.

I feel like the reality is that there are both society, and individuals, and people leaning towards one side or the other exclusively, only do so in order to set there minds in a way that they think will benifit them the most.

Are you fidgeting? Wait! What exactly are you doing? It could be your highest form of self expression!

So I was on reddit originally just checking out another redditors blogging experience post. I was lead to the small business and entrepreneur subreddits. Through thee I learned of a start-up called star stuff and the way the guy talked about how it raised over $35,000 in start up funds from kick starter and all the cool strategic ideas he thought about during the process, and  everyone commenting said they loved the product, it was inspiring. It inspired me to look at my financial goals a different way kind of. Like if I focused on making a product that many people, including me , loved, not necessarily that filled a need, but that they just loved, then it would be best I think. So I realized that brands are also like metaphors in that they represent a persons or peoples vision and their love for what they do and it represents the societies love for that product in that the product was supported. This is why a good brand can make a person release the hormone oxytocin in levels similar to what would be released when thinking about their child.

So what could I do to create such a brand. Also I wondered if I was traveling in the right direction as I was becoming more obsessed about making money. However the strategy involved in setting up such a business sounded like fun, just what product? A physical one might be best as it seems to generate more oxytocin which may be  philosophically a good thing, iunno. I like magic the gathering cards, the physical cards, and I know they are called cardboard crack fr a reason. what product would be right for me though.

So I went to bed but couldn’t sleep. So I thought more and the following in sequences is a god idea of my thought process.

Steve jobs with apple, focused on aesthetics and efficiency. Actually aesthetics is part of efficiency(see previous post)
Jobs the entp?
How about that n64 controller, that was something. the shape was so nice
what other shapes do I like
I often when just fiddling, find myself rearanging things to be ordered geometrically

I take pictures and focus on making things have some sort of order there too
My body, I work out to make my body more aesthetic
When I was in college designing a prinited circuit board I went into flow state
When I draw based on somethin already drawn, I go into flow state
When I was trying web design I went into flow state
The shape of women
The shapes of tae kwon do moves, the angles
The shapes I make when doing weird improve fight dances by my self
When fidgeting I am often really making geometric order out of random objects
I scored very well on a test of spacial intellegence
I like architecture, and chinese writing

So I think I just realized something about myself. I mean, yes I consider myself artistic, but I don’t often feel the urge to create something artsy in that it is expresses some facet of my imagination, or at least that isn’t usually the major role.
What I do have is almost an obsessive bubbling beneath the surface, drive for expressing myself geometrically.
I’m thinking maybe most people don’t try to highlight files on their desktop in such a way that the lines of the highlighting web are flush with the edges of the files facing outward. I guess if you don’t underrstand what I just described then probably no you don’t do this. I do this, it actually feels good when I do it, like it’s satisfying to me. I never paid any attention to that fact until now.

The thing is, I have always felt that this form of creativity was too easy to be valuable. When I designed my first printed circuit board, I was in a trance and the teacher pointed me out and everyone saw what I was doing and they were like “wow”. I was like, why is this cool, it’s so easy. You guys are on average doing better than me in most classes. The teacher even said if you like this their are jobs in this, but I was thinking I don’t want to be stuck doing just this when anyone could do it.

Now I realized, well I don’t think anyone could do that. Also I realize that it must be extremely important if if makes people happy to just look at it. It makes me happy as well. It’s an expression of love from me, and not in the way that it will make me happy when I’m done and it doesn’t have to be perfect just has to show the idea to others. No, with this it’s almost a compulsion and it does have to be perfect(meaning high efficiency, meaning love) and I go into flow state when I do it. Now that I realize this I realize this isn’t art I am after, it is design in that it is visual efficiency. So now that I realize this, my test might be to see how far this facet of myself can carry me. Will it be just another thing I do once in a blue moon, or will it be something I can do all the time in some form and if so, what form?

3d graphics modeling
web design
3d printing
PCB design
wood working

Btw I am also good with color, like for web design, color is good.
Iunno, should I just make some cool designed shirts like that other guy? Or should I run with this concept and try all the things that feed that drive.

I feel like geometry is an entp thing actually, and leonardo davinci was pretty huge on it. I wonder if my expressions of geometry will hold some latent truths about reality. That would be the best case scenario and would increase my believe that humans are naturally moving towards finding the things they have a drive to do and that it is evolution.

So I feel like maybe everyone has something like this that could be valuable but maybe they are not doing it because they don’t see the value in it. Not something where they like the idea of it, but something they just do out of compulsion almost. I felt the same way about drums also. It just seems so easy to me, and my music teacher told me I should give it a go but I said why would I do that, piano is more challenging and therefore it must be better. Ha! I don’t think that way anymore, especially when the world is ruled by people who have found things that are valuable to society and that they are the best at (meaning things that are easy for them, and not for most people)

I just realized, even when I eat, like I just had a piece of bread, and I eat it so that it always stays a square, because it just feels good to do so.

The Lexx: journy of my Si & Spiritual growth

I am checking out an old tv show called the lexx. I first learned of the show when I was probably 8 or 9 maybe 10, and I watched it I think it was every Friday evening. Anyway it was a pretty messed up show and being that young it was often like I was just hoping I wouldn’t see anything too scary.

So now I’m watching the making of, which I have seen already, and might watch the whole show again. I’m learning things from re-watching it though:

1) the music was so phenomenal and I’ve just realized a new way of looking at music. It is used as a way of expressing a context for the scene. This show does that so well.
2) The characters and ideas are so unique that even though it’s fiction, so much is learned, so many concepts are learned. Even if concepts like space ships, living ships ect, are fictional, it doesn’t mean the ideas aren’t educational. They are extremely educational. Th whole experience of that show, the way the different personalities interact with each other. It’s just amazing.

This might sound vain, but I wonder if I would have watched it if Zev was not in the show. I’m not sure because I definitely appreciate beauty and it really attracts me to things. Iunno, maybe I would, or maybe not when  was younger, but maybe when older. I don’t know honestly. Well even if Zev was the main attraction INITIALLY, I gained so much more from the show in the end.

The youtuber Zero One Infinity, and now on her new channel as Rachael Lynne mentioned that one way ENTPs and others with Si as their last function try to develop it is by Nostalgia. I realize I have been doing a lot of that, a lot of looking at my past to understand who I am, how I came to be, what I like, what is important to me, ect. My problem with my desire to do this was that it felt like I was not focusing on the future. Like it feels like a lot of “successful” people must be constantly focused on the future and on big ideas ect. However, part of me just wants to curl up in certain points in my past and just re-experience. Now I’m thinking I might actually need to do a lot of that. It feels like I have been losing a lot of who I was, what makes me me, and it really bothers me. So I think I might start looking back and this time taking notes.

Society makes it seem like meaningful things are about starting successful companies. Also society has an obsession with super heroes fighting bad guys.  I’m starting to realize I’ve been kind of indoctrinated to value these things as success, instead of things that actually matter to me which might not mean saving the world. Meaningful to me might just mean not forgetting my childhood, hanging out with people that matter to me, waking up early ect. I mean, sure someone could focus on trying to bring order to the warring states of wherever, and I applaud who ever is doing this. However, I also want to realize that people wouldn’t be so messed up if they were happy, and they would be happy if they knew themselves well enough to be happy. Basically I feel the biggest issue in the worl today is corruption and that starts with unhappy unhealthy individuals. Therefore I feel the biggest contribution I can make, is to not be one of those unhappy, unhealthy individuals. Not only for other people, but even just for me. I don’t want to suffer. Why should I hurt myself.

So I’ll go to bed on time, and tomorrow I’ll think more about my past, and the dreams I had while sleeping, and the people I want to talk to. It’s just seeming like my path is more about enlightenment, maybe a bit of healing, and lot’s of spiritual growth, and less about academic or financial achievement or influence.
I’m so glad I decided to just randomly put of youtube videos after coming home from what felt to me to be a lame improve group thing, and almost an hour long walk in getting food on the way back. I feel like all that stuff did something to improve my energy levels. Also before even setting out, I did an hour and a half of work on my neighbors basement renovation, and then a 30min workout in my own basement with weights. Also I ate pretty clean all day, subway for dinner. Also bed time has been before 12 for last few days, also on that zinc again.

Definitely though I need to keep my environment filled with awesome influences! This will give me the energy, meaning, and more knowledge I’ll need in order to grow spiritually which seems to be what I’ve been trying to do.

More ENTP reflections: Meaning as dictated by personal relationship to society

After deciding I could just do nothing then, I just felt depressed and uninspired and lonely. So now I’m thinking that for me:
Energy producing elements motivate me to work so these should be the corner stone of my “missions”

Working in an environment where people actually need my help or where I see an immediate way to help = energy producing

Problems I have and solutions I come up with, creative ideas that come time mind, are energy producing cause I have something to give.
MOVIES/TV/VIDEOGAMES ECT that are inspiring also = energy producing in the case that they make me want to do something.
Aiming to do “something” or create “something” without any apparent need = energy sapping.

I value social interaction now more than movies ect. Not that I don’t value the movies ect I watched in the past. Just that at thi point in my life social interaction is more important. The random ideas that come to me for stories ect will happen and I’ll write them down.
The random problems I need to deal with I’ll write those down too. So I narrowed down the best environment for me to one where I am around people I can contribute to. I then added to that my strengths and interests and got Law, politics, psychology,
and other social sciences. I narrowed this down to psych as apparently there is use for critique and debate within the research of psych. Also most of the problems these days are psychological.

I mean, there are some things outside of psychology that are immensely important to understand in my opinion. Things like the idea of abundnace maybe. Iunno I guess there will always be things besides psychology that I will want to learn. However I want an environment and a group I can contribute to in the intellectual world that will help everyone and psych is by far the best choice for this for me. If you think about it, psych includes thought and learning so learnig anything else is done through psych in some way and that learning can be improved by psych.

Anyways, so I don’t think it was me needing to feel enough love to want to help people. I just needed 1) to find the area that was right for me, or more right than any other area, right enough that it’s what I use for myself most often. 2) especially that I am around people and have personal connections to other people in the same area and/or to the people who would benifit from my contribution.

So I feel step 1) is complete, but step 2) is not because universities are filled with beaurocracy and it’s hard to get involved there. I mean
how many emails do I have to send. However, I think I should be able to contribute to individuals I find on the internet and maybe in real life that actually want to talk about this stuff and research somehow. When I am just doing psych research for personal reasons, like right now, I don’t need the interaction. However, if I’m doing it as something MEANINGFUL, I need to know who I am helping on a personal level in order for it to feel meaningful.

Ex, if I want to do LLI research it should be because I see the need in someone I know personally who could benifit from it long with many other people I know less personally.

So if my feeling of a lack of meaning was based on loneliness/disconnect from society, then actually reflecting on the fact that I’m in school for psych for the long term goal of research that will help people in very important ways should solve that and I think it has in a way once again. wow was that all one sentence! lol

Aesthetic movements: Goth, Neo-Victorian, Occult, ect: Transform society though intellectualism

I notice cultures of goth and such seem to attract, well attract lot’s of different types of people, lot’s of different personality types. However I have a suspicion that they attract a disproportionately high number of INTPs and INTJs and maybe some ENFJ. It just seems that when ever I check out an INTJ or INTP youtuber especially if she’s a female, the chance is high that she is into some occult or gothic type thing and also probably has an artistic bent.

I always got the vibe of power from the goth scene. All the black and the metal and the leather and vampires ect. It’s not dark as in satanic or savage, but it’s dark in a more mysterious way. Mystery is deeply tied to knowledge and intellect in my opinion because well the  that mystery brings out is basically an urge to learn.

I know there will be people in these cultures who will to me display the antithesis of what I feel, maybe they will be elitists, racists, iunno, but I’m mainly honing in on what I can gain from seeking interesting people from these cultures to interact with.

Now that I look back on my life, I mean I don’t to consider myself a goth or part of any one culture actually, but I know I have a interest in those more mysterious cultures. Resident Evil, Magic the Gathering, Halloween ect are all things I find very interesting for example and have since I was very young.

I had this dream maybe a year ago where there was this house party I went to with a friend. For some reason I ended up checking out the basement, probably curious, and there were these two girls dressed in a really weir lolita style fashion and I think they were talking in russian or something. It as so mysterious to me that I didn’t want to leave the room. I wanted to stay down there and see what would happen, what message they had for me maybe iunno.

I was just watching breaking bad and wanted to see the reason behind Hank and Marrie’s house being decorated with so much purple. Well purple stands for richness, royalty ect, but more importantly it stands for mystery which was fitting as Hank was a police officer and his role throughout the entire show was solving his big mystery.

I realize again this symbolism in Legend of Zelda Ocarina of Time where the Shadow temple’s Medallion is Purple and that temple is full of dangers and also mysteries requiring “the lens of truth” to see what can’t otherwise be seen.

So I feel like Goth and Occult and those darkish cultures for me represent mystery and consequently they represent knowledge and therefor power. Therefore I feel it only makes sense that other people who feel this way will also be drawn to these cultures. As I said I don’t expect everyone to be there for that reason so I’m sure I will see /meet people who are totally not who I want to interact with. I just feel that it i most likely that if I look into these cultures, and maybe dress in a way that attracts these types, I will meet more of this type.

It’s interesting that it has taken me so long to decide to check these areas out more deeply. What I think had been holding me back was knowing this culture attacts people I don’t really want to talk to, same with magic the gathering ect. However, I realize now that it also attracts a high number of the people I do want to talk to and the reason why, and why I really like it, that we like it maybe for different reasons than others do, or at least process things a different way, and that it is worth checking out.

Also this is a good example of art transforming society as gothic artists attract people with a thirst for knowledge and when those people come together. Well we’ll see!

Search For Meaning: Fear of not doing enough vs Inspiration

I have been obsessing over doing something meaningful with my life as if my happiness depended on it, but recently through being stressed out by other annoying people, I realized that this obsession was really fear based on shame as if there was such a thing as not doing enough in life. well I’ve experienced two things that allow me to see the truth that my life is meaningful regardless of what I do. The first was when I meditated with music “The Tea Party – Angels” after jogging, and I went into some sort of state where memories from my past became a kind of collage of images and emotion that was blanketing me. Here I realized that my life up to that point was awesome.

The second experience, after taking vitamin d 5000mg for a few weeks was just a feeling of contentment paired with an increased ability to recall childhood memories. Through recalling what I could but mostly just feeling the relaxed vibe, I felt that if I died at that time, it would be ok. Not that I was suicidal, just that I felt I lived a great life up to that point, it just felt like I had lived a full life.

This lead me to the realization not only that letting the fear go would allow the anger to go as well because fear leads to anger leads to hate ect, but also that letting go of the fear was what I needed to do just to get my life back which has been going off the rails this week since my last exam for the year.

I have been so obsessed with doing something meaningful with my life, and consequently with being able to support myself so I could do something meaningful and have it feel like it truly came from me. However I realized, this is probably party due to not getting enough sleep which compromises the hormones. Coincidentally this post is coming after my first jog in two weeks, as well as Captain America. Now I feel like, I already know how I should be feeling, that sense of completion, of satisfaction, so I can kind of just step back into it conceptually and act from that place, from what I know, even if I can’t feel it. What I know, from feeling and now in hindsight from logic, is that life doesn’t come with a obligation to do anything special. Life can end at anytime and it’s best to see whatever life has been lived as enough. This isn’t to say don’t try to do anything more, but that more should only be done because you want to, not because you feel you must.

So if I don’t end up doing anything special with my life, well my life will still be special to me, because my memories, my friends, family ect, my self, are meaningful enough. Life is meaningful enough. After realizing this I had this strange experience. I was walking home at night and was thinking, what if this guy attacked me. I felt myself imagine my “defensive offense” against said threat, but didn’t feel a sense of anger or fear, only a sense of love for myself in doing what needed to be done. Iunno, I need more sleep, but it felt good.

So I realize this is a part of self love. Not feeling obligated to be something more for anyone, as society has many of us feeling we must. It’s about love instead. I will still work towards cool stuff, but I wont force myself to have ideas or be productive. I’ll do as I’m inspired by love, to do. I guess that may include travel, although I also feel it’s important for general mental health, to travel a lot more than I have been. I think that is a love based concern, not shame based.

As far as work, I guess I’ll be looking for work because I need to fund whatever I chose to do, but maybe I wont freak out if I can’t move out as soon as is ideal.

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