Self-Actualization/fulfillment/fun through taking on new goals like a game!

So I wonder if my goal is to become a better human.

Also I think I’ve been limiting myself to much by trying to summarize my whole reason for living in one simple motivation.

I mean, I don’t only live for goals, I also live for family, friends, simple pleasures some what, etc. Anyways when it comes to youtube, and meeting people, and just generally
having something meaningful to focus on, it seems I work best when I focus on what I want. I was thinking today that I focus a lot on doing things on my own. Especially
on being independently happy. It’s weird though that it seems being independently happy isn’t like the end goal. I still want friends etc.

However, I guess I don’t want to have a end goal at all. I do want goals though, just that I want to be always growing. It seems though that it’s still better to focus on one milestone at a time, at least in the moment, not on any really end goal. I mean, games aren’t fun when you get to the end, they are fun when you are about to reach a new level. So I should always be seeking the next level, in all my activities, including fitness, even though it seems many people believe in a sort of plateau, I don’t think it makes
sense to.

Also, eating, exercising, and sleeping, are just the basics, the foundation.

Also it seems activities like music, story writing, and comedy are really creative but that this makes them goal less. Like there is no way to compare how good I am, it’s so random and so individual. Something like language though has levels to reach. Same with weight training. Iunno, maybe language is about Si just like fitness is, but it’s like social Si.

btw I was thinking now that I can learn hanzi faster using etymology, that I should just
rush it and d 20 a day. However, then it becomes the type of goal where I am trying to just be done with it. I realize now that the fun isn’t in being done with it, the fun is everyday when I do it and see myself getting a little bit closer. If I become unsatisfied with my progress, that could be because of other things in my life, and not the Chinese learning. It could be that I’m over compensating instead of fixing the real issues.

So it seems I’d rather have a 20min/day habit than for life, then not have that habit
because I completed everything already.

I just want more 20min habits now. More goals I can say I’m working towards.

Also it seems as much as I like being creative, I find being creative to be not challenging usually and not as rewarding. The things that I find most rewarding seem to be things that just take practice. Weights, languages, etc.

It’s interesting because once I get good at a certain skills I’m sure I will be able to just funnel it into something creative. It’s just that I need to put in the practice to get there.

Ok, I’m getting it now. It seems I might need to focus on just putting more skills into my brain, increasing my base of strength basically, and then from there whenever I want to be creative, I will have way more skills to call from to do so with.

Hmmm, I wonder, what about classical music?
Skate boarding?
These are all things I’ve been interested in at one point because I felt it would be cool to have them, but then I got board of them and gave up. If I had stuck with them, doing a little bit every day, then every day I would be able to say I had goals and every day I would be able to feel that dopamine rush of reaching new mile stones. However, back then, this was not my frame of mind. I wasn’t seeking fulfillment, I was seeking recognition and acceptance ect.

Hmmmmmmmm, or am I turning into an ISFJ again? Putting the Si first? Am I feeling like creativity isn’t satisfying enough to me and is it because I’m hampering it, maybe by not collaborating with other people? It seems the best way to invest in myself might be through these types of goals, instead of through creativity which is already innate, takes no effort, and feels less rewarding?

Well, if I do music, even if I don’t do classical, I should probably do theory. Theory is what I think is missing from my strength. I can be creative without it but I’m very limited. If I learn theory, I will gain control over my musical ability.

Music theory is to music
as Hanzi is to Chinese

Iunno, this doesn’t seem exactly ISFJ to me, because I’m striving to be a renaissance man. I’m just realizing what my weakest links are to that end so I can work on them.

Also I feel this may be what that Chinese Canadian culture is about to some extent. Having goals, becoming the shit. Turning life into a game, instead of needing to find games in some virtual world that you can be good at. Focusing on skills is half the battle, the other half is how much you do, and making habits of doing a bit, and having multiple goals so that they all remain fresh.

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Politics of the Passionate

 Wow, I thought I was finished but I’m not. Making a living is about people supporting you, because they support what you bring to the table. So either you believe in what you want to bring to the table, either fitness, or psychology, or whatever,  or you let other people decide what is important to you. It’s a lot like the SJ(not to say it’s only SJs or all SJs who are the issue) I had to deal with a few days ago. Do I decide to just follow the orders of the outspoken, in fear that I might be ostracized for being myself, or do I fight for what I feel is every persons right, the right to not be disturbed by someone who I feel really doesn’t give a shit about me or most people, and is content to just take what they want in life. Then do I keep silent, or do I make sure I am at all times being authentic with my views, especially my views on what I feel is important in life, authentic in what I feel is my gift to humanity, what I feel I should be supported to do.

So now I’m thinking(also based on something from personalityjunkie, that I need to be a bit more courageous when it comes to these things. I mean, I guess it’s easier to say now that I feel by following my functions in order will give me a strong productive direction in life, still, thinking about that SJ wakes me up even more because he was like a microcosm of everything I should be fighting against. Not to say it’s either me or him, just to say he thinks and he speaks for everyone in the cafe when he tells me I should do what he says, well I speak for me, and I say, I speak for everyone as well when I say I should not do what he says.  Who is right. I am pretty sure if it came down to a vote and we ignored who was more charismatic at the time it would not be unanimous. Some people would have thought I was being rude, some would have realized they wouldn’t like to have been approached that way either. Without my vote, the cafe becomes polarized in his direction. He spoke for everyone, so in a way he removed the freedom of everyone by there silence(although most were just not paying attention, I’m saying hypothetically) However, if I disagreed, I introduce a second view. Not that I want to win, just that I think I shouldn’t be forced to lose. That is what I believe in in those scenarios.

That is a microcosm of our society where in we have people wanting to work jobs that express what they think is the highest value they can offer others, and we have people working towards things mostly for themselves and who would rather the first people to just submit and work for them, and we have most people just in the middle undecided. As more people from the side of authentically working for others decide to go that route, there will be less people working for the side that works for themselves. As this happens, the undecided in the middle will also have to more further divide their support between the two sides. See, the people who work so they can share with others, really have nothing to lose because they are working for others, and inspired by what they can find, and give, they win by doing and by giving away based on their beliefs. They are therefore an unstoppable force if they decide they will all focus on giving. The ones that focus on taking, are the most unstable because they only win if they are gaining something for themselves. They win by doing and by taking. The undecided in the middle find solace in both sides. By receiving from the takers who give on the condition that they are supported in their taking, and by receiving from the givers who they are inspired to give back to if they are moved to believe in what they are receiving.

The takers make their choices fast. It’s not that they don’t have anything to offer, it’s just that they do it in a very yang way. They create order but it is order based on themselves. It is Machiavellian in that way. On the other hand the givers at this point in history in this society are being swayed more often by the takers BECAUSE most of the undecided are swayed by the takers BECAUSE the givers are still growing into their understanding of their place in the world and are not offering any alternate path. This is slowly changing as people now spend more on average on entertainment (and I’m guessing on soul searching as well) than ever. I believe it IS getting easier for people to follow what they believe in an make a difference and be supported. I just think it’s happening so slowly that the givers are getting scared that no one is going to catch them if they jump for it.

See it seems like for me having Fe as my tertiary function, I am more inclined to go with the flow of things(for the sake of social harmony), but then regret it later. However, that is only until I realize that doing so is actually worse for social harmony or at least for myself, than being authentic in my disagreement from the start. It seems all the NFs I know instead chose to go for what they believe in first, and only do what they have to in the mean time to support those wants. For me, as I said last post, I had been going based on Si, and also I think to a lesser and more big picture degree, Fe. Si for Moving towards stability by choosing the hard sciences and Fe by moving towards social harmony by aiming for a job with some company somewhere instead of striking out on my own, or maybe it’s Fe for deciding I need to make as much as the average person so I don’t feel like a loser, or Fe making money for future wife and family. So, it’s not that I should try to become an Fi user, although iunno how those work, maybe I am using it somehow.

What I need to do is go Ne for finding what is important to me, Ti (which I’ve been using to argue for why it’s important) for learning about it and developing and executing ideas, Fe for sharing those ideas with others, Si to stay healthy and if absolutely necessary do the most menial job in the mean time(which would depend on circumstances like how much money I need coming in to do what I want(the meaningful things I guess, + the fun, how many people do I need to support, ect) So if I am interested in starting a family then I’ll do what it takes to support one, but I’m not going to make that my priority when I’m not an Fe dominant. Nor will I go out searching for a girlfriend/wife, for the same reason. Nor will I do what some guy says for fear of being ostracized for standing up for what I believe in when I know I would not be happy with the alternative. That’s just compensating for an inflamed Si probably, even when it’s about loneliness, it’s the Si I think. Fe is about harmony outside the self, Si is about how you feel inside which would include extroversion needs and general well being needs of company. I guess sometimes I could fee pressured enough to use my Fe to please others for the sake of my Si, but that is moving backwards. The right way for me, is Ne seeing ideas that help people, Ti understanding how they work and implementing them for the sake of Fe’s desire for that harmony and Si feeling good about the chemical release that comes from making the world a better place.

 

After meeting up with friends: ENTP: Relationships > Industry & Self-Empowered = Take responsibility you social life

Or maybe philosophy is what has been saving me this whole time, and I should give it more
of a focus. It seems to me that even if I was rich, if I didn’t have the type of
relationships I wanted, I wouldn’t be happy. There is just no substitute. On the other hand
if I was poor but had amazing friends, including a hot gf, I would be very happy. I mean
I would still probably want to focus on self-improvement but it’s no subsitute for
relationships for me. I think what has been happening often is some of those relationships
will go sour and I will rationalize it as I am depending on those people and they are
not depending on me so I am the loser if things go bad, and if I need them then I must
defer to them and they will make more money than me and they will get the girls that
I want, and I should just be happy that they are doing me the favour of being my friend.

heh, maybe one to many istjs or something, Iunno. See I feel like my most authentic
self is not bringing something to “the market” but bringing something to society as a whole,
which they wont even look at unless they know me and have the connections. It makes it
seem like I don’t have any power. If I was good at something that was needed in the market
already, something people pay for already, then I would make money. However, if my
true interests don’t fall in market areas I wouldn’t be bein authentic. Therefore I would
not be free, even if I was making money. I wouldn’t be free until I was doing what I
really wanted, and maybe not even until I was being paid for it, showing that people really
do appreciate what I have to offer. If it’s just volunteer for something I feel is deserving
of payment I will probably feel undervalued.

So it seems th most authentic thing for me is to get involved with other people. Basically
althought I like my independance, it seems the way I want to express it is by being
apart of something. Now, does that make me inherently disempowered? I feel that depends
on a few things. One is my attitude towards meeting new people and in what I become
involved in. I can see it from a point of desperation where I NEED to fit in with
these people no matter what, to feel good. This way I give all my power away to them and
if they don’t respect me I’ll just take it. That is bad. The other way is to say, my goal
is to make relationships that are mutualy benificial and where we both want to help each
other because we both like each other, and I wont except anything less, so if I can’t
have that with you, I will move on to find someone for whom I can. This way it is
way healthier, not desperate, and it means two people becoming friends through the
non-desparate intrestin in enjoying life and making good things(including money) happen,
but not willing to settle for relationships that don’t include a mutual respect and
benifit.

If my enjoyment in life comes from being involved in projects with people
that only really becomes disempowering if the people I want to be involved with, don’t
want to be involved with me. This way it becomes like it was throughout elemenary and junior
high school. If I decide that I am looking to do cool things with people that respect me,
and who I respect, and only that, then there is no way it will be disempowering. It’s
all or nothing. I either get the good relationships, and the money, and the fun, or I
just keep searching. That is my job. I’m not a begger, I’m not a scavenger, I’m just
someone who knows what makes them happy, and I am happy even just knowing I am going
for it, instead of something I’m not happy going for.

See if life for me were mainly about being a super hero cyborg, then ofcourse I would be
focusing on that. However, I feel people are more important to me than that, which
is what makes it so inauthentic to try to be that person who goes for that. It’s like
I’m wishing I was that person who only wanted to be super powerful, BECAUSE I think it’s
not ok to want friends, but because in reality I do want friends, I am unable to enjoy
working towards that vision.

To be authentic would be to decide to focus on making new friends, and working with cool
people. To be empowered, is to accept that it may not work out, but also to accept that
you wont stand for anything less than the love and respect you want from people and people
you love and respect, and goals you love and respect. It’s All or nothing. No settling.

I’ll just restate he importance of my value, in my area of passion, actually being useful
enough that I feel fulfilled in my contribution and as well that others are actually
helped as much as I feel they are. and useful enough that people gladly pay. I think I
stated this already, but yeah, I think if it’s the most important thing to me, it will be
worthy of payment.

Now, I did after all, realize this perspective through, well for one it was through
meeting up with a friendI hadn’t seen in years, as well as other friends I would call
closest in a way. However it is also based on my desire to make a living. HOWEVER,
more importantly it is based on my desire to make a living, and work up to making a living,
in an enjoyable way, and for me, this means working with other people I like, towards
something that affects us all (or maybe even just affects them) in a way I like. This is why
I don’t play videogames by myself. I need to know I am entertaining someone or teaching
someone or inspiring someone, ect, otherwise I see no point in improving my skill level.

I mostly don’t stick to learning something unless I’m in school with other people I get to
interact with every day.

So anyways, if I want to be all or nothing , focusing on finding cool people to do things
I believe in with, that poses the questions, should I not change myself to become more
valuable to others so they are more willing to work with me? I think no so far. For one,
because would I want to hang out with someone if I have to meet some criteria that is not
myself before hand? I mean, it’s not like I’m not interested in anything, I am still a
person. I just feel like I am not as interested in STEM and more interested in Social
Sciences and fun and intellectually stimulating fun at that. So I should find people
who r like me, and we can build each other up. If I was the only one like me, then I
guess I would not have these ideals to work towards in the first place so that is my basis
for dismissing even further, the idea that I am becoming less independant. I am no less
independant, I am just, as an independant, deciding to meet other people who I connect with
an building a bright future with them.

Then there is the question, well what if there are four of us and we come together to
do something cool? Then what? If it’s not marketable, do we get to eat?
Well here is to hoping that getting enough of us together to create something
will mean creating something amazing and if not marketable(because I’m not really interested
in the market) Will change the world somehow, not to mention some of the people I connect
with, may be already in many different areas in society, pursuiing their passions as well
and already stable, and connecting with me would just mean me adding even more to them
and their areas.

What all this means is… some people might be able to do cool things on
their own, and not need to work with anyone else to get a good job ect. Then there is me
and if I had to survive I guess I would do anything, but while that isn’t the concern I
feel like I am hard pressed to pretend it is when I think I can do even better, if only I
could find people willing to work with me. So who is willing?

From now on, maybe I will seek out people who will actually feel excitement in working with
me. Not people who might hire me. I have to do better, for a career, and for life. I will make
myself visible to the people who would respect me. Who support me because they believe in my
interests and goals and ideas.

The Lexx: journy of my Si & Spiritual growth

I am checking out an old tv show called the lexx. I first learned of the show when I was probably 8 or 9 maybe 10, and I watched it I think it was every Friday evening. Anyway it was a pretty messed up show and being that young it was often like I was just hoping I wouldn’t see anything too scary.

So now I’m watching the making of, which I have seen already, and might watch the whole show again. I’m learning things from re-watching it though:

1) the music was so phenomenal and I’ve just realized a new way of looking at music. It is used as a way of expressing a context for the scene. This show does that so well.
2) The characters and ideas are so unique that even though it’s fiction, so much is learned, so many concepts are learned. Even if concepts like space ships, living ships ect, are fictional, it doesn’t mean the ideas aren’t educational. They are extremely educational. Th whole experience of that show, the way the different personalities interact with each other. It’s just amazing.

This might sound vain, but I wonder if I would have watched it if Zev was not in the show. I’m not sure because I definitely appreciate beauty and it really attracts me to things. Iunno, maybe I would, or maybe not when  was younger, but maybe when older. I don’t know honestly. Well even if Zev was the main attraction INITIALLY, I gained so much more from the show in the end.

The youtuber Zero One Infinity, and now on her new channel as Rachael Lynne mentioned that one way ENTPs and others with Si as their last function try to develop it is by Nostalgia. I realize I have been doing a lot of that, a lot of looking at my past to understand who I am, how I came to be, what I like, what is important to me, ect. My problem with my desire to do this was that it felt like I was not focusing on the future. Like it feels like a lot of “successful” people must be constantly focused on the future and on big ideas ect. However, part of me just wants to curl up in certain points in my past and just re-experience. Now I’m thinking I might actually need to do a lot of that. It feels like I have been losing a lot of who I was, what makes me me, and it really bothers me. So I think I might start looking back and this time taking notes.

Society makes it seem like meaningful things are about starting successful companies. Also society has an obsession with super heroes fighting bad guys.  I’m starting to realize I’ve been kind of indoctrinated to value these things as success, instead of things that actually matter to me which might not mean saving the world. Meaningful to me might just mean not forgetting my childhood, hanging out with people that matter to me, waking up early ect. I mean, sure someone could focus on trying to bring order to the warring states of wherever, and I applaud who ever is doing this. However, I also want to realize that people wouldn’t be so messed up if they were happy, and they would be happy if they knew themselves well enough to be happy. Basically I feel the biggest issue in the worl today is corruption and that starts with unhappy unhealthy individuals. Therefore I feel the biggest contribution I can make, is to not be one of those unhappy, unhealthy individuals. Not only for other people, but even just for me. I don’t want to suffer. Why should I hurt myself.

So I’ll go to bed on time, and tomorrow I’ll think more about my past, and the dreams I had while sleeping, and the people I want to talk to. It’s just seeming like my path is more about enlightenment, maybe a bit of healing, and lot’s of spiritual growth, and less about academic or financial achievement or influence.
I’m so glad I decided to just randomly put of youtube videos after coming home from what felt to me to be a lame improve group thing, and almost an hour long walk in getting food on the way back. I feel like all that stuff did something to improve my energy levels. Also before even setting out, I did an hour and a half of work on my neighbors basement renovation, and then a 30min workout in my own basement with weights. Also I ate pretty clean all day, subway for dinner. Also bed time has been before 12 for last few days, also on that zinc again.

Definitely though I need to keep my environment filled with awesome influences! This will give me the energy, meaning, and more knowledge I’ll need in order to grow spiritually which seems to be what I’ve been trying to do.

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