The urge to provide

My obsessing over what I could do to make a living, I think was based on the stress of how hard good jobs are to get. If for instance, I could have gotten a high paying job right out of college like I thought I would, I think I would have taken it. I mean, if it didn’t feel like I was in some kind of competition and needed to sell myself beyond my diploma. There was a time when it was easy to get a good job out of high school or college. In that age I feel like becoming self sufficient would have been easier. I mean, yes I think there would still be other things I would want. However, I would have been set as far as supporting myself was concerned.

So I guess what this makes me think is that what I need to get right now is work life stability. All the other passions can come, but this basic passion of freedom needs my attention now. I feel like if I were supporting myself, I would appreciate all my other passions that much more. I feel like I have this natural instinct to provide, for myself at least, and I think I need to go about meeting this need in the most efficient way possible.

However, when I think about the need to provide for myself, my thoughts drift towards areas like programming instead of philosophy. See programming is easier to get jobs in, although I definitely have a knack for philosophy. The best bet would be to do programming as well to keep my options open I guess. However, this division of goals between school and money makes this hard. If I joined a group though…or just got some people together…Or just made a daily allowance of 1 hour max for programming and I had to learn as much as I could in that time. It would make sense to focus on games or web dev because those areas will build a useable portfolio fastest I think. Out of those two, games are more fun. Then at the same time, if I did programming I could easily shift my experiments onto youtube and make friends in that scene. It would benifit me greatly to do this because it would make jobs easier to get when it came time to look. I would have to have the mindset of I’m trying to become awesome at this as if to program another world, or something. I should not stick to the basicl game ideas, but go off on tangents to make weird and wonderful things. I should have space music in the background when I work to make it more enjoyable. 1 hour a day…hmm it’s definitly an idea. I mean, it’s an investment, and if I feel it’s sound I can take out a load and move out knowing I’ll have jobs waiting for me when I’m ready. Maybe not in games, but in something interesting. People like to hear that I’ve played with mini max algorithms. I guess  need to push myself just a bit.

The thing that scares me is when people say with programming you either love it or you hate it. It doesn’t seem to be that way for me. Nothing does. It’s a day to day thing for me when it comes to what I enjoy doing. For instance right now I hate the chinese language or at least the hanzi. However, I’m pretty sure I’ll start liking it again soon after a nice break. So for a job, I can’t go by what I “love” because that changes all the tim. I need to go by what I’m good at that pays and is interesting.  I can get into a flow state while programming, so there’s that too.


Post-Capitalism: Intrinsic Motivation: Finding mine in school

I had this theory that the universe was based on randomness and duplication. If this were true it would make sense that the two things that would help me thrive would be the motivation for sex(duplication) and for awe(unpredictable?) Still the the idea that it is a “competition” between those two drives doesn’t seem that efficient. However, it feels like what they guy from personality junkie said about NPs is sound in that a lot of the ideas I come across seem almost by accident like it is the universal impulse.

Now, I could just try to focus on reading the text books and doing the homework for the possible ideas I will stumble on and the connections I happen to make. I am working to motivate myself from within an educational system that is not built specifically for me so I have to figure out how to work it. Or maybe the system is fine, and it’s just like jogging where I have to get used to it.

The other possibility is that the universe is made up of not randomness but a system. This makes sense in that the big bang would be a cause, and the rest would be the effect. So if we rewound this to the start and initiated the same bang, we would get the same result. So it isn’t random is it?

It makes more sense that the human then is a system with an urge for duplication
among other elements of it’s system.

My question was, does it make sense for me to have a specific goal, or is it
better to just focus on learning more. Goals are what brought me here in the
first place. Maybe “here” is the goal.

I’ve thought about this before actually. It’s good to have goals that come
to you, but trying to seek out goals to have seems like not the best idea.
It seems unessesary.

Also, why do I get so much more motivation in class where as at home I don’t
just sit around reading the text book. Well, it could be that exchanging ideas
with other people, exressing my ideas, IS a goal for me. If this were the case
it would be good as the more the ideas flow the more can be done for society.
Also my motivation for studying outside of class would be to be ahead so I can
keep up with the conversation and say my peice.

I guess also I could go online and start a blog and try to get other people to
read it etc but that might be too much work for too little reward. Iunno.
It would be a fun side project though, at least in the fun classes. Also yes,
some classes are more fun and rewarding than others. That is part of my problem
right now. I’m talking a lot of classes that just don’t engage me enough,
and don’t generate enough ideas. There is no sense trying to argue that these
classes are actually good for me and that I need to adapt somehow. They are just
not efficient uses of my time.

Or, maybe it depends how I look at the classes. I mean, given the choice I might
not want to have to take states/research/ling, but I migh be able to make them
fun if I:
1. Look at the concepts from different angles, like trying to get deeper into them and
2. Bring out questions based on 1. in class.

So the motivation for doing them is still because have to do them instead of something
more intriguing. However, I can get a lot of fun out of it by doing steps 1. and 2.

If I only did step 1. I would have less motivation to read ahead because I wouldn’t
have a way of contributig based on that extra work.
If I only did 2. well in many cases that is what I have now. I mostly just do 2. and
it works out ok but not great.

I feel like there are a lot of external motivations that could come into play
in education. However I feel that a motivation that will be lasting and enjoyable
it needs to come from within.

So, just like lifting heavy things and running fast because it feels good, I would
rather focus on learning for the sake of learning. I feel like sometimes I become out
of touch with the enjoyment of learning for that sake. However, this could easily
be more about metabolic factors than anything else. When I discover/create a new idea
that is truely awesome, it is empowering and rewarding. The only time it’s…
(not that I should never focus on what I don’t have, I am not sure, maybe, but
not sure) It seems like learning about sexuality has helped with my understanding of
the world. Although a lot of the big stuff like mbti was learned more for the sake of
finding intrinsic motivation and just plain fun.

When I’m not focused on what I don’t have btw, then there is no underlying goal for my
learning. I just learn because I want to know. Knowing, experiencing, is living.

It’s intrinsic. When people learn to focus in on the intrinsics, there will be
no more “work”. For instance, I’m going to work today not for the money. 34$ or something
for 4 hours of physical labor. I mean yeah it adds up, but I am more there for the
relationships and the physical activity.

People were getting slaves to do their work for them, because they couldn’t see that
the work was actually good for them.

So in order to get to this state where you are only focused on the intrinsic rewards,
I think it has a lot to do with dopamine. It’s like when you let go of all the things
that might be fun to have the dopamine receptors increase. Like, if you were to just
let yourself be bored. Then you would start day dreaming and being creative. I feel like
the getting creative part is what happens when the receptors finally start up regulating.

So if you could upregulate them earlier, through exercise etc, then you would find it
easier to let go of other shit, the extrinsic stuff, and just get motivated.

I feel like this is a big thing. I feel like here the ability of a human to self-acualize
could be improved by things like increase dopamine receptors. So in this sense, it seems
what people need is to be healthy mentally. I mean, understanding the concepts of abundance
and self reliance are important too, but when it comes to actually enjoyin the intrinsic
rewards, dopamine is the reward, so you need to be able to produce and utilize it or you
will just be a couch potatoe monk.

You could see dopamine receptors and that kind of thing as an internal awareness of

what we need to be doing with our time. If we don’t keep it healthy, we start to lose touch

with that internal compass thing. Not that we don’t need to be rational if we have it,

just that it is a drive.

Would everyone be more empowered if they suddenly loved Math?

Note: Maybe replace “math” with “programming” in most instances, even the title. Although I feel in programming some teachers do encourage trying to do things a different way, I feel it doesn’t reach all who would benefit.

Both magic the gathering and programming use a lot of the same logical way of thinking. The obvious difference is programming is way more in depth while magic the gathering is more social and easier especially considering most people focus more on play than on deck building, or so it seems to me.

I was just watching Steve Jobs, mainly to see how an entp goes about leadership and what is background was that led to that. I was wondering also how much into technology he was and so far from a second documentary I am hearing Jobs was the hippy(visionary) and woz was the geek(engineer).

Anyways, some of his most powerful words were “Think Different” and this lead me to a though about another difference between how I play games vs how I was trying to do things like programming. When it comes to games, MTG, Starcraft, ect, my most important goal, more important than winning, is to be creative, unique. To make a deck that does work efficiently, but in a way no one has thought of before. If I couldn’t do that, I didn’t want to play. However when it comes to programming, my thing was, I better do this the right way otherwise I’ll never get paid. However, trying to function that way, basically I am limiting my Ne and maybe my Fe even if it’s about self-expression in a way. So if I do that with all my work related things, focus on doing things the way they have always been done, I’ll never fully express myself. I realized after listening to Jobs, that although it must have been obvious how big a deal his ideas would be, it seems to always take a degree of courage to think different. Especially when it is actively discouraged in school, for example when teachers want assignments done a certain way, if you don’t do them that way you lose marks. Now I’m wondering, not only, should I follow my Si and go for stability, or try to fin  balance by doing the stable job like programming, but using Ne by being creative, and Ti by choosing a job demanding in logic like programming, as well as Ti to make the decision on the job field.

So I’m wondering if that’s what I need. I mean, how can engineering a cad game deck, be so much more fulfilling than engineering something with an economic function. Well I guess it could be the social aspect, but I wonder if it’s the self-expression in general. I mean, to be honest, I feel my ability to be unique is one of my biggest strengths. Even if I don’t end up being the best at starcraft, I get to be the best at my way of playing, and I’d prefer that, to being the best at someone else’s. I express something, new. A new way of doing things that no one else has thought of, so it’s like I become a pioneer in it and become a teacher.

If I were to do any more programming, one way I could do it, is to focus on doing every little thing, a different way than I’m taught, but that is still effective. I don’t aspire to be a Steve Jobs or anything, but I aspire to feel fulfilled and wonder how best to go about that. I can imagine how Jobs must have felt at 19 realizing he is on the cutting edge of something so revolutionary. If I could somehow stumble upon something like that, maybe in neuroscience or programming, it would be amazing. Although I wonder if at my age I would still get so excited about something like that, as I would as a late teen. I feel like I’ve wondered so much about the world that I see anything as possible either way. Although  do surprise myself with my philosophical/psychological ideas.

So I feel like have a few options, school will be a part of all of them so that factor will be omitted.

1) Part time work and just relax (if that’s possible) (jog ect)
2) Part time work and try to find even more stable work (freelance or company) (for the sake of stability, Si)
3) Part time work and search for the next revolution (Ignore Si and hope it goes away) (Jog)
4) Part time job and work on something like programing with a “think different” perspective

Note: Steve Jobs studied Zen which is like a study of the nature of things, and he focused often apparently on space and form (spacial intelligence like I wrote about in an earlier post). It seems he put everything into that one purpose of Apple lol. Maybe a bit into pixar when pushed.

This post illustrates how I think kids are taught that they shouldn’t try to be creative when it comes to STEM. I mean, although at least technology is all about invention, it seems that kids are taught that the mathematical foundation, that they need, must not be tampered with, but must be learned as dogma mostly, force fed, at least until higher years of university. I feel like the way some kids are taught, kids that would really love math and sciences, just turns them off of it, but with no where else to turn they will be less empowered. I feel like the only way I will really feel empowered in life, regardless of how much I can support the urges of my Si, is if there is a synchronicity between the things I love doing, and the things that add the most value and are most fulfilling.

See one of the things that empowers me the most, is my ability to create something new. To do things in a different way. I feel it’s like, how I express infinity. How I express the universe. Expressing myself in this way and no one can be better than me at anything because I can always just do it a different way that no one has thought of (as I think most things have infinite solutions with infinite uniqueness), so it’s like I suddenly have something to teach them already. That is one of the main things that inspires me to keep working at things I want. Knowing I have no competition.

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