Post-Capitalism: Intrinsic Motivation: Finding mine in school

I had this theory that the universe was based on randomness and duplication. If this were true it would make sense that the two things that would help me thrive would be the motivation for sex(duplication) and for awe(unpredictable?) Still the the idea that it is a “competition” between those two drives doesn’t seem that efficient. However, it feels like what they guy from personality junkie said about NPs is sound in that a lot of the ideas I come across seem almost by accident like it is the universal impulse.

Now, I could just try to focus on reading the text books and doing the homework for the possible ideas I will stumble on and the connections I happen to make. I am working to motivate myself from within an educational system that is not built specifically for me so I have to figure out how to work it. Or maybe the system is fine, and it’s just like jogging where I have to get used to it.

The other possibility is that the universe is made up of not randomness but a system. This makes sense in that the big bang would be a cause, and the rest would be the effect. So if we rewound this to the start and initiated the same bang, we would get the same result. So it isn’t random is it?

It makes more sense that the human then is a system with an urge for duplication
among other elements of it’s system.

My question was, does it make sense for me to have a specific goal, or is it
better to just focus on learning more. Goals are what brought me here in the
first place. Maybe “here” is the goal.

I’ve thought about this before actually. It’s good to have goals that come
to you, but trying to seek out goals to have seems like not the best idea.
It seems unessesary.

Also, why do I get so much more motivation in class where as at home I don’t
just sit around reading the text book. Well, it could be that exchanging ideas
with other people, exressing my ideas, IS a goal for me. If this were the case
it would be good as the more the ideas flow the more can be done for society.
Also my motivation for studying outside of class would be to be ahead so I can
keep up with the conversation and say my peice.

I guess also I could go online and start a blog and try to get other people to
read it etc but that might be too much work for too little reward. Iunno.
It would be a fun side project though, at least in the fun classes. Also yes,
some classes are more fun and rewarding than others. That is part of my problem
right now. I’m talking a lot of classes that just don’t engage me enough,
and don’t generate enough ideas. There is no sense trying to argue that these
classes are actually good for me and that I need to adapt somehow. They are just
not efficient uses of my time.

Or, maybe it depends how I look at the classes. I mean, given the choice I might
not want to have to take states/research/ling, but I migh be able to make them
fun if I:
1. Look at the concepts from different angles, like trying to get deeper into them and
2. Bring out questions based on 1. in class.

So the motivation for doing them is still because have to do them instead of something
more intriguing. However, I can get a lot of fun out of it by doing steps 1. and 2.

If I only did step 1. I would have less motivation to read ahead because I wouldn’t
have a way of contributig based on that extra work.
If I only did 2. well in many cases that is what I have now. I mostly just do 2. and
it works out ok but not great.

I feel like there are a lot of external motivations that could come into play
in education. However I feel that a motivation that will be lasting and enjoyable
it needs to come from within.

So, just like lifting heavy things and running fast because it feels good, I would
rather focus on learning for the sake of learning. I feel like sometimes I become out
of touch with the enjoyment of learning for that sake. However, this could easily
be more about metabolic factors than anything else. When I discover/create a new idea
that is truely awesome, it is empowering and rewarding. The only time it’s…
(not that I should never focus on what I don’t have, I am not sure, maybe, but
not sure) It seems like learning about sexuality has helped with my understanding of
the world. Although a lot of the big stuff like mbti was learned more for the sake of
finding intrinsic motivation and just plain fun.

When I’m not focused on what I don’t have btw, then there is no underlying goal for my
learning. I just learn because I want to know. Knowing, experiencing, is living.

It’s intrinsic. When people learn to focus in on the intrinsics, there will be
no more “work”. For instance, I’m going to work today not for the money. 34$ or something
for 4 hours of physical labor. I mean yeah it adds up, but I am more there for the
relationships and the physical activity.

People were getting slaves to do their work for them, because they couldn’t see that
the work was actually good for them.

So in order to get to this state where you are only focused on the intrinsic rewards,
I think it has a lot to do with dopamine. It’s like when you let go of all the things
that might be fun to have the dopamine receptors increase. Like, if you were to just
let yourself be bored. Then you would start day dreaming and being creative. I feel like
the getting creative part is what happens when the receptors finally start up regulating.

So if you could upregulate them earlier, through exercise etc, then you would find it
easier to let go of other shit, the extrinsic stuff, and just get motivated.

I feel like this is a big thing. I feel like here the ability of a human to self-acualize
could be improved by things like increase dopamine receptors. So in this sense, it seems
what people need is to be healthy mentally. I mean, understanding the concepts of abundance
and self reliance are important too, but when it comes to actually enjoyin the intrinsic
rewards, dopamine is the reward, so you need to be able to produce and utilize it or you
will just be a couch potatoe monk.

You could see dopamine receptors and that kind of thing as an internal awareness of

what we need to be doing with our time. If we don’t keep it healthy, we start to lose touch

with that internal compass thing. Not that we don’t need to be rational if we have it,

just that it is a drive.


Sociology: For someone(entp?) who loves strategic challenge and humanity

well it’s 1:30 once again and here I am with another idea: Also I’ll note for the record I jogged twice week. once for 20 min on Wednesday after weights, and Friday(yesterday) for 8min lol after weights (felt burnout approaching so I stopped)  .

The process of weeding out bad options:

I mean, this may just be the natural process my mind has to go through to get to the right path. Just like the process of quitting a bad habit takes many attempts for the mind to learn the difference in mood from doing it and not doing it, for it to feel rewarding to not do it. I think the same type of thing is happening with this job search. I am slowly narrowing down my options. I moved away from the idea of just working for money, it didn’t feel right on so many levels, like I would be neglecting myself and everyone else.

The process of weeding out beautiful-inspired options that are somehow missing something:

I’m kind of moving away from art and music as well because although I enjoy them they don’t draw me in as much as I feel a job/game should. I need something focused more on strategy in an empowering feeling way that makes me feel alive. I want whatever career/game I chose to go into, to feel awesome to the music I listen to. I mean, I want to be able to play Avril Lavign’s losing grip” while walking to my friends house and feel like I am someone important, someone who is making a difference. I want that more than money.


The process of using experiences that make me feel alive as a gauge for what I like:

MTG, SC, Smash Brose, these games with strategy draw me in. It’s the strategy, the decision making, that draws me it. This is not replicated in programming and math because in these areas it seems mostly about buildings something based on how other people have done it. I would rather work on things where I use my mind strategically to solve something where I have less to go on. That is why in the above named games I am hesitant to even follow the strategies available I would much rather create my own.

The process of weeding out options that fit the above model except they are missing the people element:

Also programming and math are lacking a people element and it doesn’t seem authentic for me to go into either when the reason I would be doing so would be souly based on how I feel it would help humanity for me to do so. Psychology is cool but it is in a way more removed from “people” as although there is research to go into since I’m not interested in counseling(although once I get this sorted out I’ll probably try life coaching on the side, or at least market my blog. I also still feel like that research would be pretty far removed from the world of people.

The process of hindsight for seeing what would have made my choice an obvious one:

After seeing the video by Daniel H. Pink, I feel more confident to explore the possibility of sociology. Now thinking about it, I am pretty sure it is no coincidence that the course in school I think I found most engaging so far has been sociology at Seneca, and next would be European Civilization at York which I feel is deeply centered around sociology.

The process of building up determination and confronting possible obstacles/roadblocks:

I have heard many things about sociology being not a worth while course and only people bad at math go into them. However, I see the other side of the coin, about how it is actually needed, and that someone like me could probably make a huge difference in that area.

So that is where I’m at now, not sure how I’ll feel in the morning. Iunno what I’m basing everything on is, can I study the subject on my own and still feel engaged. That is a test I’ve been trying because it seems if I can’t do that, then it’s usually because I’m not interested in it enough but just interested in the people who are interested in it. Also I have this fear that if I chose a career that is based on just helping people, then if people don’t want my help, (this is worse case senario) if they just say, we actually only want people who can make technical stuff, if you can’t do that then we don’t need you(in society). Or something like that or I just get sick of people (which would probably mean depression which I avoid). However, I feel my study of people is not limited to helping them, but it is also just about me understanding them and maybe well not exactly integrating, but maybe learning how to improve relationships. So I feel that kind of knowledge will never be a waste. Also, thinking positively I guess the better I understand people the better I can figure out things I can create and provide for them, within my range of interest.

The thoughts that come after 2am about a goal I’m not even sure I’m going to go with…

Also, as I think I’ve wrote before, I’m more interested in doing what I believe in than in doing what other people want to pay me for. I mean, if I think the world could benefit from ideas like MBTI and others that I can research on, I would rather that be my life’s work and no one want it, than spend my life working on something I think is pointless for me and for society, and be paid to do that shit. I mean, as long as some people care about me (since as I said before I am in this spiritual position because I have people who love me, otherwise I’m not sure if I would care enough about others to be so focused on them, well maybe as long as I kept healthy, maybe it’s just a natural part of me… guess it doesn’t matter tho). Iunno, this is worse case scenario stuff though, basically it’s like saying what if I had a masters in comp sci but no one wanted to hire me just because. However, at least this way I am focused on what I actually care about. Basically, it’s for all the marbles. If I get tossed in the waste bin, I will remember how I fought the good fight. Also I’ll not give up and just take it one day at a time with my positive goal in mind and with a winning attitude.

Politics of the Passionate

 Wow, I thought I was finished but I’m not. Making a living is about people supporting you, because they support what you bring to the table. So either you believe in what you want to bring to the table, either fitness, or psychology, or whatever,  or you let other people decide what is important to you. It’s a lot like the SJ(not to say it’s only SJs or all SJs who are the issue) I had to deal with a few days ago. Do I decide to just follow the orders of the outspoken, in fear that I might be ostracized for being myself, or do I fight for what I feel is every persons right, the right to not be disturbed by someone who I feel really doesn’t give a shit about me or most people, and is content to just take what they want in life. Then do I keep silent, or do I make sure I am at all times being authentic with my views, especially my views on what I feel is important in life, authentic in what I feel is my gift to humanity, what I feel I should be supported to do.

So now I’m thinking(also based on something from personalityjunkie, that I need to be a bit more courageous when it comes to these things. I mean, I guess it’s easier to say now that I feel by following my functions in order will give me a strong productive direction in life, still, thinking about that SJ wakes me up even more because he was like a microcosm of everything I should be fighting against. Not to say it’s either me or him, just to say he thinks and he speaks for everyone in the cafe when he tells me I should do what he says, well I speak for me, and I say, I speak for everyone as well when I say I should not do what he says.  Who is right. I am pretty sure if it came down to a vote and we ignored who was more charismatic at the time it would not be unanimous. Some people would have thought I was being rude, some would have realized they wouldn’t like to have been approached that way either. Without my vote, the cafe becomes polarized in his direction. He spoke for everyone, so in a way he removed the freedom of everyone by there silence(although most were just not paying attention, I’m saying hypothetically) However, if I disagreed, I introduce a second view. Not that I want to win, just that I think I shouldn’t be forced to lose. That is what I believe in in those scenarios.

That is a microcosm of our society where in we have people wanting to work jobs that express what they think is the highest value they can offer others, and we have people working towards things mostly for themselves and who would rather the first people to just submit and work for them, and we have most people just in the middle undecided. As more people from the side of authentically working for others decide to go that route, there will be less people working for the side that works for themselves. As this happens, the undecided in the middle will also have to more further divide their support between the two sides. See, the people who work so they can share with others, really have nothing to lose because they are working for others, and inspired by what they can find, and give, they win by doing and by giving away based on their beliefs. They are therefore an unstoppable force if they decide they will all focus on giving. The ones that focus on taking, are the most unstable because they only win if they are gaining something for themselves. They win by doing and by taking. The undecided in the middle find solace in both sides. By receiving from the takers who give on the condition that they are supported in their taking, and by receiving from the givers who they are inspired to give back to if they are moved to believe in what they are receiving.

The takers make their choices fast. It’s not that they don’t have anything to offer, it’s just that they do it in a very yang way. They create order but it is order based on themselves. It is Machiavellian in that way. On the other hand the givers at this point in history in this society are being swayed more often by the takers BECAUSE most of the undecided are swayed by the takers BECAUSE the givers are still growing into their understanding of their place in the world and are not offering any alternate path. This is slowly changing as people now spend more on average on entertainment (and I’m guessing on soul searching as well) than ever. I believe it IS getting easier for people to follow what they believe in an make a difference and be supported. I just think it’s happening so slowly that the givers are getting scared that no one is going to catch them if they jump for it.

See it seems like for me having Fe as my tertiary function, I am more inclined to go with the flow of things(for the sake of social harmony), but then regret it later. However, that is only until I realize that doing so is actually worse for social harmony or at least for myself, than being authentic in my disagreement from the start. It seems all the NFs I know instead chose to go for what they believe in first, and only do what they have to in the mean time to support those wants. For me, as I said last post, I had been going based on Si, and also I think to a lesser and more big picture degree, Fe. Si for Moving towards stability by choosing the hard sciences and Fe by moving towards social harmony by aiming for a job with some company somewhere instead of striking out on my own, or maybe it’s Fe for deciding I need to make as much as the average person so I don’t feel like a loser, or Fe making money for future wife and family. So, it’s not that I should try to become an Fi user, although iunno how those work, maybe I am using it somehow.

What I need to do is go Ne for finding what is important to me, Ti (which I’ve been using to argue for why it’s important) for learning about it and developing and executing ideas, Fe for sharing those ideas with others, Si to stay healthy and if absolutely necessary do the most menial job in the mean time(which would depend on circumstances like how much money I need coming in to do what I want(the meaningful things I guess, + the fun, how many people do I need to support, ect) So if I am interested in starting a family then I’ll do what it takes to support one, but I’m not going to make that my priority when I’m not an Fe dominant. Nor will I go out searching for a girlfriend/wife, for the same reason. Nor will I do what some guy says for fear of being ostracized for standing up for what I believe in when I know I would not be happy with the alternative. That’s just compensating for an inflamed Si probably, even when it’s about loneliness, it’s the Si I think. Fe is about harmony outside the self, Si is about how you feel inside which would include extroversion needs and general well being needs of company. I guess sometimes I could fee pressured enough to use my Fe to please others for the sake of my Si, but that is moving backwards. The right way for me, is Ne seeing ideas that help people, Ti understanding how they work and implementing them for the sake of Fe’s desire for that harmony and Si feeling good about the chemical release that comes from making the world a better place.


Maybe my interest is the future

Maybe this obsession of mine, to figure out what humanity needs, and what I “should” do, is linked to the reality that there is a lot that we all just don’t know about life. It seems what I’ve been doing is thinking about my development and human development as a whole. So maybe instead of trying to figure out how I fit into the world, which seems to be a insurmountable task, I should focus on an equally insurmountable, but possible more interesting task, of figuring out where human evolution is heading, in different areas. Then since I seem to be taking such a keen obsession over this, maybe this IS actually what I “should” be doing, or at least something mentally stimulating enough, and enjoyable enough that I wont get bored?

Human development, especially psychological development. Kind of from a philosophical perspective in that I want to “what if” and “if so then why” myself into new discoveries. Then I want to simplify and unify theories so that I can use the simplifications as tools to explain even more stuff. It just seems to me that this area is one where there is a lot to be discovered and requiring creativity and not as much money or equipment as something like chemistry. If you think about it, when studying the future, there are as many things to be discovered as there are possibilities, which are infinite as far as I’m concerned.

Well, why do I feel it so important to know what is the best thing for me to do? I guess it’s all about me getting the most bang for my buck. Also the most excitement. I’m just realizing this right now but it really seems making predictions about futures and to some extent proving them to be fact, is extremely exciting and empowering. I’m sure there are people making predictions about earth and space and the cosmos and all that with a lot of math. I don’t want to use math. I know it’s importance, I understand it’s value. However, math is based on logic and the math I actually might have found interesting is the higher university year math that focuses on logic rather than plug and chug. However, I don’t think I want to do math, I want to do more logic/philosophy and studying the human mind using qualitative analysis.

Would it be useful if I could see where the world was headed. I mean statistics show our life’s are getting better and I’m sure people don’t need someone telling them that. Iunno, it’s interesting, and I guess if I can create theorems, they can be put to good use.

The fun thing about thinking about the future is that it’s possible, not just fantasy, it’s exploring a world that doesn’t exist, yet, but that if the theory holds true, does exist in the future. So it’s basically time travel if done right.

I’m I gonna be one of those future theorist types, they seem wacky actually but iunno. I’ve been so interested in people, for my whole life. People and all their creations. The one area I know I could explore way more would be where people are headed. Iunno, it could be that I had some dark chocolate and the caffeine is going to my head.


Acting as Teaching

In an earlier post that can be found under memory, I talk about the way symbols and allegory can become meaningful in that they make strong connections in the brain which create long lasting memories. I find this idea intriging and have thought about using it actually to develop a new style where things I wear symbolize something. I have already been using metaphor I realize, in my signature as well as with my style although in part of my style the meaning came afterwards. For instance my dreadlocks now mean: People being stronger together than separate, letting things happen organically, growth, and possibly other things too.

So I’ve also wrote about how maybe I wanted to do acting since so many forms of expression can fall under it. Thinking about it even more today I realize it was one of the major forms of expression that has always been with me since  was very small. It wasn’t just being funny, it was acting funny, and acting in general. It was taking on the expressions of other humans and sometimes I think the feelings behind them as well. btw, I think even writing like script writing, is a form of actin too, I mean the words a persons chooses is part of how they act. For the same reason, language can be acting too.

So what have I found today?:

Core processes
Phil Jones has written in his book Drama as Therapy, Theatre as Living that there are nine core processes at the heart of drama therapy. These include projective identification and dramatic distancing. Projective identification is the process whereby a person feels the feelings that the other is unable to access themselves. Dramatic distancing refers to the way that emotional and psychological problems can be accessed easier through metaphor. The client has a distanced relationship through metaphor to these problems that makes them easier to tolerate.”

So, connections between my field of study(psychology), an innate form of expression(acting), “metaphor”(which is related to allegory and symbolism), my interest in people, and also “The connection between drama and the psychological healing of society, though not of the individual, was first formally acknowledged by Aristotle, who was the originator of the term ‘catharsis’.” So like, being able to act out the feelings a human would feel in a situation is a good way of teaching compassion for that person, to others. In my experience, I find it way easier to empathize with another person if I have bee through what they are going through or if I can connect their experience to a fictional character even, who I was shown the emotions of in a more raw form.

So I don’t know. If I wanna chase a low state I think programming is more challenging and maybe more conducive to that. However, it doesn’t feel like me as much. Not sure if acting would depend on the characters I act as, but it seems like a natural tendency I’ve had. In fact contrary to what Aristotle said, I have found that when I’m sad or lonely, I often choose to act out those feelings in a way and observe them almost as if from the outside and then feel compassion for myself as if I were someone else. In this way I don’t just stew in my own problems as much,They are processed as if they were someone Else’s. it is kind of like mindfulness in a way. Maybe the trick with that is that I act as if someone else could be watching, or maybe I act as if I am acting, so more expressive and in a way that if I were an audience I would be moved by what I saw. Yeah that explains it. So it seems like something worth doing, maybe I just want to act my own ideas out, express characters that people don’t get yet, or something. Maybe that would be more meaningful then trying to get good at someone else’s characters. Iunno.

More ENTP reflections: Meaning as dictated by personal relationship to society

After deciding I could just do nothing then, I just felt depressed and uninspired and lonely. So now I’m thinking that for me:
Energy producing elements motivate me to work so these should be the corner stone of my “missions”

Working in an environment where people actually need my help or where I see an immediate way to help = energy producing

Problems I have and solutions I come up with, creative ideas that come time mind, are energy producing cause I have something to give.
MOVIES/TV/VIDEOGAMES ECT that are inspiring also = energy producing in the case that they make me want to do something.
Aiming to do “something” or create “something” without any apparent need = energy sapping.

I value social interaction now more than movies ect. Not that I don’t value the movies ect I watched in the past. Just that at thi point in my life social interaction is more important. The random ideas that come to me for stories ect will happen and I’ll write them down.
The random problems I need to deal with I’ll write those down too. So I narrowed down the best environment for me to one where I am around people I can contribute to. I then added to that my strengths and interests and got Law, politics, psychology,
and other social sciences. I narrowed this down to psych as apparently there is use for critique and debate within the research of psych. Also most of the problems these days are psychological.

I mean, there are some things outside of psychology that are immensely important to understand in my opinion. Things like the idea of abundnace maybe. Iunno I guess there will always be things besides psychology that I will want to learn. However I want an environment and a group I can contribute to in the intellectual world that will help everyone and psych is by far the best choice for this for me. If you think about it, psych includes thought and learning so learnig anything else is done through psych in some way and that learning can be improved by psych.

Anyways, so I don’t think it was me needing to feel enough love to want to help people. I just needed 1) to find the area that was right for me, or more right than any other area, right enough that it’s what I use for myself most often. 2) especially that I am around people and have personal connections to other people in the same area and/or to the people who would benifit from my contribution.

So I feel step 1) is complete, but step 2) is not because universities are filled with beaurocracy and it’s hard to get involved there. I mean
how many emails do I have to send. However, I think I should be able to contribute to individuals I find on the internet and maybe in real life that actually want to talk about this stuff and research somehow. When I am just doing psych research for personal reasons, like right now, I don’t need the interaction. However, if I’m doing it as something MEANINGFUL, I need to know who I am helping on a personal level in order for it to feel meaningful.

Ex, if I want to do LLI research it should be because I see the need in someone I know personally who could benifit from it long with many other people I know less personally.

So if my feeling of a lack of meaning was based on loneliness/disconnect from society, then actually reflecting on the fact that I’m in school for psych for the long term goal of research that will help people in very important ways should solve that and I think it has in a way once again. wow was that all one sentence! lol

Careers/feilds focused on people, the body, Wonder: Chemistry?

Thinking more about jobs
Do I want fast pace physical
Do I want high stress engaging
Do I want most money least time
Do  want most travel/people/novelty

Nurse?Police?investor?travel agent?

This site , a convo on careers for ENTPs lead to a guy saying neuroscience is great for ENTPS.
Some INTJ guy says is to much detail, psych is better. From what I’ve seen I agree.
Some INTP guy names windex response to first guy: “Yeah or biomedical engineering or chemistry. It’s awesome and all but I’m so lazy to be in school anymore. I read something about Chemistry being the one that cures cancer and I value that more than Physics as a career even though I love to learn physical theories. It just seems sometimes like the world of ideas is useless unless there is practical application. I want to see any ideas I get to work with on develop into something directly affecting people. Neuroscience is amazing stuff. I always try to tell people about their brain’s plasticity when they think they aren’t bright. And how the brain cells are growing throughout”

I totally feel him on physics not seeming applicable to me, I feel the same about math. Maybe this is what people mean when
they say ENTPs do well it careers that are people focused. It could mean focused on the human vs on something else.

Then as I thought about the possibilities of me actually enjoying chemistry, which I do when it applies to me, I started to remember a girl from a long time ago who was studying chemistry in high school for university or Bio-Chem and I thought about doing the same but ended up not doing so. For one, as a teenager I had lot of other interests. Many just ego driven like fame or recognition. To many distractions from what might have really made me happy. Now though, I realized it might be interesting if I end up in chemistry. Then a strange feeling happened.

team sleep take you down remix
Memory regression, Barbara(reminded by the song) -> Amy(Reminded by the feeling of being reminded by a song) -> Brats of the lost nebula(More Regression, almost able to control it)
The memories where laced with a feeling of wonder of what my life could be. How much potential I have, how much i could do and/or discover. These feelings didn’t really come up when I though about computer science or physics. All I felt thinking of those, the maximum I could feel, was a futuristic feeling of being able to see things through technology, and other imaginings of what technology could do. Sure things are left to the imagination, but I still felt like I could imagine it all. I could see my life planned out and it was boring as shit because I don’t really care about technology beyond whatever I have available. I don’t desire the newest phone, gaming consoles, cars, or any of that. My focus is more on my body and my mind. My life. As well, with chemistry, I can’t even imagine what could be created because chemistry is not predictable like computer science seems to be. I guess this is because chemistry is not a man made things like computer science is. Chemistry is the universe. Isn’t this feeling what life should be about. Wonder.
Wonder is travel independent. Space independent and seems maybe even time independent since memory can call it up.
What I though I wanted was to travel, but now I realize, I can go somewhere not too far to experience new scenery, what’s more important is always having a sense of wonder. It seems almost people independent when you really find it. This is important because I was this whole time thinking I could only function in a job working with others, as well as one that was physical.

If I can just learn more about psych which I want to, and chemistry which I might want to, it could be awesome.
Also it seems my interests are always centered around myself. They can still be of value to others, but initially I find interest in things if they are related to me and improve my life, my vision, in some way.

So if I look back at my life, a big part of my vision has always been becoming super human. If nothing else I would have way more freedom that way. Computer science isn’t about creating a super human, it’s about creating a system normal humans can function on easily. I don’t need things to be easy. I don’t need a robot to clean my house. I want to not need a house.

I feel like chemistry more than any other science gives a person a strong sense of independence and control. Not just because of Breaking Bad although that’s part of it. So many things can be done with knowledge of chemistry. Electricity is based on chemistry, which means all of technology is too. Well anyways, this is just me observing myself. I didn’t feel very empowered learning computer science, didn’t get that feeling of wonder. Maybe I can feel those things for Chemistry which seems to be the key to most things. Well I’ll probably have to learn more math this route but if it’s related to me, my body, my biology, why wouldn’t it be worth my while. I want personal empowerment and if this will give me it I wont say no.

Also there is the fact that I was avoiding neuroscience because of the chemistry but if I like chemistry now I guess I could do neuro. However, do I want to focus on the brain? I wont rule it out but seems boring right now. As for learning Chem maybe I should study on my own to see if I can even get into it. Maybe I just need to learn it a different way from how it’s taught in school. More of a emphasis on wondering about the possibilities.

Curiosity: Physical + Intellectual Edutainment:Rock-climbing, urban exploration, free-running

Introduction: Observations I couldn’t piece together for the longest time:

As a kid I found a sense of awe when I looked at huge structures, huge buildings.

I felt a sense of awe when in elementary school we were aloud to use the monkey gym but as I grew older I couldn’t see the purpose in climbing something like that.

I felt the same about the structure of videogame worlds/levels.(Zelda)

I felt the same about most novel spaces that had structure

I didn’t feel the same by just looking at pictures, I felt the need to interact.

I don’t really feel the same about natural structures, or way less often, this says something as will be shown in a moment.

Why is this physical exploration of architecture meaningful?:

I had a dream once that I was in my best friends mind and it was this maze with tunnel slides that I could go down but I realized eventually that they were too steep to climb back up again and feared being trapped. This last one is a clue that I perceive and value and am awed and find curiosity in man made structures. I think it is because of how these structures represent the cognitive style of the human who built them. I could just look at blue prints and pictures and even interactive graphics but I would much rather physically enjoy the places. Just like I would rather read a story rather than simply read a bunch of facts. I guess experiencing the architecture physically allows me to experience and wonder at the reasoning behind it, the though processes behind it, in a more natural way.

The reason this is so important for me to realize is because I always thought, way are we exercising, what is the point if there is nothing to get strong for? Just to be strong? Now, at least for me, I realize I can get strong for and by urban exploration/free running/climbing where I find meaning and build knowledge.

Note: all these recent developments came about when I said f*ck money, I want meaning in my life.

Links: Good free running vids(vids that brought me to this epiphany):

and first I was watching speed running vids of ff8 and Chrono-Trigger thinking I’d find cool thoughts based on those…

Video game:     

Rock climbing girl:

Real life exploration:

I might want to try and tweak this or find something that pairs exploration and more specific body-building style training




Now the last post leads me to the thought that just reading and watching stuff all day would become pretty unhealthy pretty fast.

Journal 18/04/2014: Meaningful Direction Brainstorm: Celestine Prophecy: Interests: People, Lives

Idea: find things that bring me energy because then I’ll have energy to give back like Celestine prophecy style.

Note: knowing that doing something I’m interested in will add to my life and knowing that the knowledge can be given to others.
Note: I don’t have to pick just one thing and actually should have many bcause variety and novelty are important for me.

Defining “adds to my life” I do this to compare it to the ideal of the scientist or inventor to adds tangible product to his world:

By add to my life I mean learning how to solve a problem or add pleasure in a way that requires me to learn and grow. So it wont be just like jerking off to porn which in the end adds no joy. So whatever things add to my life will be empowering. Also Curiosity is strong in me for things I feel it for and this adds meaning to my life and especially when I can share my findings/discoveries, with others. So meaning for me(energy in) and knowledge to share(energy out)

What adds to my life the most in that I find interest in it and learn and grow from it

Strongest: I have a strong desire to know more people, and their lives, how they think ect, as well as my self and my life and how I think.

So in general Psych, sociology, philosophy, language, ect. And for these areas I enjoy learning and creating both fiction and non-fiction. Although within these fields I need the freedom to learn only what about it interests me, not forcing myself to learn what others think I should. At times one of these becomes most interesting if it solves a problem, especially phil which I call what I am doing now, phil.

Next is having fun with people. Listening to music, ect. These add meaning but usually more incidental learning.

Next is expressing myself(through fictional or artistic means) although I guess I don’t often have the motivation to do it. ALSO I get most of my motivation for this when I am inspired by some event or revelation or feeling. Often something social(poetry: relationship/friendship) or involves people(movies, books, videogames for AMVs) and also I often need to know that people will connect with what I show otherwise why bother.

Authenticity and the disadvantaged:

I wonder if everyone has an area of learning/doing/ect where if everyone did it, everyone would be happy and have enough energy to pass around to anyone who they could help, resulting in everyone who needed help, getting that help. The problem we have now at least in the most powerful country in the world is that people don’t like poverty/weakness ect. They see it as a burden. Why is this? What I wonder is if a person with energy coming in has enough that they feel inspired to give of their abundance to whoever they can including those in need. Or maybe they just give to who ever wants what they have to offer and leave the rest. Would that still be enough if more people did it instead of trying to be something inauthentic?

On thinking vs creating value:

Photography seems cool. Taking pictures of people and life, hmmm. I mean, if I really NEEDED to fend for myself, and do programming ect, I could. I’d still do the minimum I’d have to in order to get by though because excelling in something just for the sake of it, having more stuff just for the sake of it, is not fulfilling for me. It’s not freeing. I need to be authentic. I still find myself being obsessed with people like ENFJs ect. It’s often people who do cool things. Does this make me just an observer, never doing cool things of my own? No, it makes me authentic. Also if I reflect and come up with more inspired ideas, that is the cool things I do. Does it matter that I don’t create something tangible or something that can be sold? No, I think we have enough consumer products. I want to gain energy. I want to be the most authentic version of myself. If I create something, I want it to be out of love.

Note: Hanging out with friends will be separate from planned study of people though, although if I am inspired by observations of my life or theirs or them ect, of course I’ll note it, but  No, I don’t want to do hang out just for the sake of being productive.


Here is a link to a blog that has a lot of information on NP types and how they are as writers, which I feel can be generalized to how they feel about learning and improving and self-expression and meaning stuff because that is usually what we write about

Here is a link to a forum where an ENTP discusses with others about how he is interested in people and not in technology and the conclusion is that he is still an NT and many are this way:


Thank-you for reading, and please feel free to comment with thoughts and to subscribe for more developments!

Journalism meaningful? (More directly addresses my goals?)

I’ve been low on sleep so I have opinions that could change by tmr, but here is mine right now and the argument for it which hopefully is valid.

what isn’t meaningful enough

Wondering if journalism is for me. I don’t have any overwhelming things I want to dedicate my life to. I like music, creative writing, and other art. I also like fitness and health. However, these are just things I do. Also I have school for psych so I have a back up that I have an interest in as well. However, when it comes to doing something meaningful, none of these stick out as super meaningful in the way that I feel driven to pursue them immediately. I just have an urge to be doing something to help the world, and it’s not that I am overly empathetic although I am somewhat empathetic. It’s more that I can’t imagine not doing something to help people and help our human experience in general. It’s not that music or psychology wouldn’t be helping. I just feel that unless I approach the world problems head on I don’t think my problem solving skills would be fully utilized.

why I avoid leadership type jobs

I feel like in the past, like as a kid, I must have been told not to boss people around or even try to change peoples decisions. Not as in, everyone should have there own opinion, ofcourse they should. I mean I feel someone told me at some point, not to be a leader, or something. I just get this feeling when I think about what I might have to do with my life. Not be a leader per say. It’s just that I know when someone is doing something questionable or unethical and why it isn’t of benefit to anyone, even them, to do that thing. I feel it’s my place somehow to lead people in more healthy directions than human trafficking and other crazy shit people do.

Why I should maybe do it

So it’s not that I’m shy, I’m pretty outspoken in public. Just that I guess I will get comfortable with the idea of writing to actually change peoples ways of thinking, for their benefit, and that of everyone around them. I just feel the best way to make a difference in a world where most of our problems are cause by us, is to address us. A lot of people seem to hate advice. Iunno, maybe I’ll have to be confrontational in that I’ll give it anyway.  It also feels like, can it be this easy. Just tell people that they should do this and not do that. I mean maybe most people wont listen, but at least I’m being authentic with my desires. I want people to stop snubbing each other for not being rich and dressing fancy. I want people to stop looking down on each other for super abstract reasons that have no bearing on today’s reality. I want people to stop hating themselves and wake up to how beautiful life can actually be otherwise.

am I feeling the passion?

final fantasy soundtrack:

It could be that it’s late at night, but when I play music now, and think about this as a course of action, it fits surprisingly well into what I would call a meaningful experience. I mean, I’m playing final fantasy 10 soundtrack and think about the fact that I would actually be fighting a battle against people who don’t see things the way I do. It feels right. I am intentionally allowing myself to sound a bit douchy because I guess I’m just seeing things this way for the first time in a while. That it’s ok to not hide in the back ground and just make a salary. If I authentically see a path in telling people what they should be doing, or at least suggesting what could be better than what they are currently doing, or what could also be good lol,and help figure out solutions to problems, then I shouldn’t force myself to hide and lead only by example.

Thoughts on process

hmmm, even within journalism I’ll still have to focus on a few key areas, I guess I’ll have so pick ones I’m interested like psychology(so I guess curiosity will play a factor), and maybe how it relates to some of the problems in economy, politics, crime, corruption, ect.  I can’t at this point see anything more meaningful than this. Maybe tmr tho… lol. Also I will still write about anything else cool I enjoy writing about if I go this route. Also I wouldn’t be doing this for the money, I’d be doing it for meaning and only meaning. I mean if I get a job doing it, it will be because I want to work for whatever company because they can help me with my vision, or a believe in there’s, I wont be focusing on money though, just on having something worth while to me to work towards in my life.

« Older entries

%d bloggers like this: