The Drive for Authenticity, for Being Human

So to summarize the last little bit there:

For the longest time I have been in search of a life full of meaning.
I thought it should be like an action packed movie or game.
As I grew older the urgency grew as I started to feel less and less human,
living in the same house of my providers, not being able to
provide for myself even, let alone do something meaningful.

Tonight I felt the cold winter wind on my face and hands, and I
retreated into the warmth of my parents house, only to realize I was
running away from the possibility of being truly authentic, which I would
be if I had no home to turn to, and had to fight for my survival, for any
shred of warmth, even against society.

I listened to the opening song of a show and realized not all music I love
urges me to live out the fantasies of some other person’s story.
So I realized there was an origional part of me, that music could go with.

I realized part of me would rather freeze to death than live in
an inauthentic and dependant way, but that going back out into the night
then, would be a waste, a step in the wrong direction. However, so would
moving towards a job in a feild that would just be making a living.

So I realized I would rather continue with school, and more philosophy
especially, and possibly end up in the cold at a later point, after having
tried to make a difference to the best of my abilities. If that happened, I
would accept it, and do my best, and it would be me, and I would be proud,
and turn my nose up at anyone or anything that didn’t see why I’ve won.

Rather that, than spend any amount of time trying to secure a job I don’t
believe I should be doing, to be supported by a society in which I would
not be living authentically.

So, I have a very strong need now, to make something of this path that I
have chosen. I need it, as if I were still outside trying to get in.

Advertisements

Sexuality and Motivation

I feel like getting older, having more responsibilities, puts a dampener on what would otherwise by  very rampant sex drive. As I increase my sexual energy through a variety of means, as well as my level of optimism and confidence, I become aware that my ability to explore sexuality is dependent on my ability to handle my responsibilities.

If I want to be available when a willing partner is in the mood, for example, I need to have done all my homework and studying for tests ahead of time. So I am now losing interesting in procrastination. Also because of the idea that my sex drive might be lowered just by knowing there are things I have to do.

So one kind of life goal I guess wuld be to not have anything that “needs” doing anymore, or just to always be well ahead of dead lines. Also this makes me want to work, like get a better job etc so I can have that sense of freedom. This same thing happened last year around this time when I started jogging and working out and I think edging as well. So what should I do about it? I definitely want to stay in school. It feels like where I belong in a big way.

I believe this was my motivation for going to college the first time actually, or at least to study for personal trainining! I was doing the 7 day cycle and I think edging, and I just started focusing more and more on what I needed to do to have the sex life I wanted. I realize though that my ideas of ideal sex life were kind of naivee. Also the way I lost that steam I had going into college, I think had a bit to do with my change of sex habits to nofap hardmode, and less jogging etc. Anyways I hope now to come at this from a more refined angle/perspective.Based on the shit I am good at and where I will feel more at home.

On the bus my thoughts were: Maybe I could benifit by getting inolved in computer science.
Maybe also an important factor is that I’m cool with not doing everything all on my own also it would be a pretty good way of indirectly helping people believe more in themselves if I try to have us tackle a big goal..
I think I need to focus on what ideas I could contribute since this seems to a major strength along with my understanding of people.

I feel like getting older, having more responsibilities, puts a dampener on what would otherwise by  very rampant sex drive. As I increase my sexual energy through a variety of means, as well as my level of optimism and confidence, I become aware that my ability to explore sexuality is dependent on my ability to handle my responsibilities.

If I want to be available when a willing partner is in the mood, for example, I need to have done all my homework and studying for tests ahead of time. So I am now losing interesting in procrastination. Also because of the idea that my sex drive might be lowered just by knowing there are things I have to do.

So one kind of life goal I guess wuld be to not have anything that “needs” doing anymore, or just to always be well ahead of dead lines. Also this makes me want to work, like get a better job etc so I can have that sense of freedom. This same thing happened last year around this time when I started jogging and working out and I think edging as well. So what should I do about it? I definitely want to stay in school. It feels like where I belong in a big way.

I believe this was my motivation for going to college the first time actually, or at least to study for personal trainining! I was doing the 7 day cycle and I think edging, and I just started focusing more and more on what I needed to do to have the sex life I wanted. I realize though that my ideas of ideal sex life were kind of naivee. Also the way I lost that steam I had going into college, I think had a bit to do with my change of sex habits to nofap hardmode, and less jogging etc. Anyways I hope now to come at this from a more refined angle/perspective.Based on the shit I am good at and where I will feel more at home.

On the bus my thoughts were: Maybe I could benifit by getting inolved in computer science.
Maybe also an important factor is that I’m cool with not doing everything all on my own also it would be a pretty good way of indirectly helping people believe more in themselves if I try to have us tackle a big goal..
I think I need to focus on what ideas I could contribute since this seems to a major strength along with my understanding of people.

Ok, so my thoughts now are:

I feel like getting older, having more responsibilities, puts a dampener on what would otherwise by  very rampant sex drive. As I increase my sexual energy through a variety of means, as well as my level of optimism and confidence, I become aware that my ability to explore sexuality is dependent on my ability to handle my responsibilities.

If I want to be available when a willing partner is in the mood, for example, I need to have done all my homework and studying for tests ahead of time. So I am now losing interesting in procrastination. Also because of the idea that my sex drive might be lowered just by knowing there are things I have to do.

So one kind of life goal I guess wuld be to not have anything that “needs” doing anymore, or just to always be well ahead of dead lines. Also this makes me want to work, like get a better job etc so I can have that sense of freedom. This same thing happened last year around this time when I started jogging and working out and I think edging as well. So what should I do about it? I definitely want to stay in school. It feels like where I belong in a big way.

I believe this was my motivation for going to college the first time actually, or at least to study for personal trainining! I was doing the 7 day cycle and I think edging, and I just started focusing more and more on what I needed to do to have the sex life I wanted. I realize though that my ideas of ideal sex life were kind of naivee. Also the way I lost that steam I had going into college, I think had a bit to do with my change of sex habits to nofap hardmode, and less jogging etc. Anyways I hope now to come at this from a more refined angle/perspective.Based on the shit I am good at and where I will feel more at home.

On the bus my thoughts were: Maybe I could benifit by getting inolved in computer science.
Maybe also an important factor is that I’m cool with not doing everything all on my own also it would be a pretty good way of indirectly helping people believe more in themselves if I try to have us tackle a big goal..
I think I need to focus on what ideas I could contribute since this seems to a major strength along with my understanding of people.
Maybe I should focus on ideas that other people can implement.

Ok, so my thoughts now are:

I’ve already tried starting my own business and I don’t enjoy it. I don’t enjoy the isolation.
Also I don’t really have a business or money making idea. I mean sure I can think of some, just that none are very efficient, or if they are they require a huge amount of work upfront.
Also even just thinking about money right now, it totally psyches my out of studying and I have a test tmr.
One thing I haven’t really tried, and that seems most authentic, would be to just put everything into school.
What could that get me though? I need more than just good grades.
Hmmm, well I know there are opportunities to work while in school, but is that even the best use of my time? Especially when I have a part time job already with 2 years in and formed some great relationships.
I have ideas, but they are focused on living the life I want, not on money. My ideas are what has resulted in so many awesome discoveries.
I know what I can do. I can put everything into school. I can give it 110% and hope that in doing so I become exceptional to the point that I am respected by teachers as well as peers. To the point where jobs are guaranteed and, taking out a loan will not be an issue, and maybe I’ll even find ways into a business thing with the school or something crazy like that.
There wont be a quick way to supporting myself and school full time. At least not one that will allow me to work at my highest potential.
What focusing all this sexual energy on school will do is it will be the union of that sexual instinct to provide or whatever, and my natural intellectual inclinations. This seems like by far the best use of that energy I can think of right now.

Fun For Youtube: Find Intrigue then dive deep into understanding it

So what I have been thinking about this weekend, is the focus on fun. I’m am feeling more and more like the future will depend to some extent on people having fun. By “fun” I mean attaining higher levels of happiness, joy, passion, feeling alive, ect. Well, I guess you could say I’ve been distracted even from that because I’ve actually been focusing on how the fun I plan to have, could translate into a form of value for other people.

See I am creative in general, but mostly I don’t do as much with it as some other types. At least, I don’t do as much on the outside. However, on the inside things are happening.

I wonder if I could just extrovert those things that happen in my head, just express myself more fully, would would be the result. I’ve already learned lately that in conversation, the more I am able to say what is on my mind (where it’s invited) the more value and enjoyment I end up bringing to the converation. Even negative opinions of someone, if said in the right way, will come across as not a complaint but as a humorous observation of my own disliks.

Anyways, here is the brainstorm of the solo activities I enjoy and where I feel I could add value to an audience:

Books – On the rare occasion that I’m reading a book, I am not the type to just say “that was a good read”. If I am reading a book, a book I like, I will be making connections to other concepts for the duration of that read. Sadly I think reading a book is not video worthy, but the discussion about what I’ve read might be.

Also, while I enjoy writing story ideas, it could be more efficient to instead of trying to put the random inspirations into something. I could just speak about them as they come up. This leads me to, when watching a movie and I think, well wouldn’t it be cool if this happened instead. I could voice that idea.

Music – Just nodding my head wouldn’t work. However, if I can go in deep about what exactly the song makes me feel, (like I have done in some comments, with great response) I feel like I could be adding some value there as well. I could even do this with my own songs, as well as more popular songs, or just a wider variety. Also I could accept other people reccommenting me songs as people love to do. I get it. The value that comes from reccomending ones tastes to someone else. It’s like, the chance to form a connection with someone else based on something very deep. That’s gold.

Movies are one where you could actually watch and do commentary while watching. It would be like what I do anyways in my head. Something strikes me and I just go off on a tangent and think about something for a few minutes. I could have that process outloud. Ect.

Video games, same thing. I mean there are games that are enjoyable for the gameplay and for me it would be stuff like smash bros, starcraft, mtg. That stuff is goal oriented, competition oriented stuff which is also fun (with other people) but it’s not the thing I seem to fight for the most. At least, in the past it hasn’t been the thing, or the only thing, I’ve fought for. Zelda 64 was all about just exploring and learning more about the world and about people and their perspectives through the worlds they create.

Now, this is just sticking to stuff that is fun. I’m sure people could learn from watching the way I do dishes. It’s just that that might not be as attractive, as fun. So it would be better to learn possibly the same ideas, but through something I actually find fun.

I’m now wondering how much can be learned from me, just being myself, instead of actually trying to make a name as a teacher. I wonder if the the foundations of my cognitive style could somehow be summed up in how they are expressed why I am enjoying myself. This would be very valuable I think. However, it seems at least right now, that much of my congitive developement, happened through me trying to solve the problems to get me to this point. Trying to reach a state of passion and enjoyment in life, and connection with people, and meaning.

It is possible, especially with the music analysis, if I focus on the emotions, that I could be leading people in more emotional/spiritual exploration and that this would be as/if not more important than the reasoning that got me here.

I am kind of shifting to the focus of value more than fun at this point. Iunno, maybe I shouldn’t. I think I now focusing on it for the sake of seeing if I have somehting worth putting on youtube, and something good for humanity.

Anyways, so I kind of feel like that sweetspot for me for engagement, would be letting people recommend me songs and also my choice of songs being stuff more than just I enjoy. Then leading the views through my emotional analysis of myself as I listen to these songs. Not just for them, but also for me, as it would be a form of learning about myself and about the world and other perspectives. Also it activates my imagination in a far more natural way than if I just sat down trying to create stories.

Oh, this sounds familiar. I realized the same thing about learning Chinese today. I don’t enjoy making up stories just for the sake of productivity. I’d much rather be making a story based on guessing of what actually could be. It’s a form of exploration, or wonder. Sometimes that wonder is initiated by some random thought or sight or occurance. However, in cased where a person has created a sort of mystery, my imagination can often run wild in search of possibilities.

So there could be this natural trend in my productivity where I do best when I have something in front of me that is intriguing. Wether it is a written language, or my own emotional reactions to something. Also I guess you could say this creativity is a good form of problem solving and that the more indepth I can go with my digging, the more other could benifit.

The secret here seems to be in finding things that generate that intrigue. Not all things do this. Physics doesn’t often seem to do this. It’s just to of this world for me. I see possibilities far beyond it.

ENTP(or atleast me): Passion for working with/for others (LONG POST) (Basically about muses as the end goal)

Another possiblity, is that I keep looking at all the fun people on youtube, thinking I want to be a part of it, but the reality is I just want friends to do cool shit with? It seems like sure I have things I would want to produce, but it seems I’m more interested in just making connections with people, than trying to create a business. I mean if a business comes out of it that’s great and maybe even ideal, however, I think not having enough people to connect with is a bigger problem than not having a business.

Freedom for me means being able to do the shit I want to do. Most of the shit I want to do involves hanging out with and connecting with cool people, not nessesarily making a name for myself on youtube. The youtube thing seems almost like just a form of compensating for not having enough people to talk to. This doesn’t work out to well
because I don’t have any passion for making videos, at least not enough to bother putting the time in.

I think I’ve gotten past the whole wanting to be something. I realize I just want to be happy and grow and trying to be someone actually just goes against that. So what goes with it? I think focusing on connecting with people, might go with it. If I look back on child hood, sure I did stuff when I was alone like think about interesting movie ideas ect. However, it wasn’t like I thought about them as something I nessesarily wanted to create. It’s more like I created them in my head and just enjoyed them.

The main thing I though about was when I would be able to see my friends again and make new friends. That was my big adventure. So iunno, maybe it is again, and this time, without shame of wanting to make the friends. However, what sucks is wanting friends but without the hobbies in common to get a friendship started. However, I think it’s more like I have many many interests and I just pursue them based on who my friends are.

I feel strong inspiration to pursue goals based on friends of mine or people I meet who also do them. I mean, for some people the hobbie or goal is serious for it’s own sake. For me, it seems more like my goals are based on the friends who will appreciate them. Basically, and I can say this unashamedly now, I think I need a muse/muses in order for me to turn into a real workhorse. Basically, I don’t work for money. I work for people. Maybe it’s the same way as who they say ENTPs need to find their place among people, not beaurocracy. We don’t care about social hierarcy and that includes money and fame. We care about friends.

Another thing is maybe another reason I find it hard to work on certain projects is because with no one to share my progress with, it’s like the fun is taken out of it. I mean sure when I achieve such and such a goal after years of work, people may flock to see it and then I may attract the right people? Iunno, maybe not. It seems like if certain people would only talk to me once I am “cool” or “good at something”, those probably arn’t real friends. I feel like I have enough to offer just being myself, and shouldn’t have to work to prove that I can do such and such on my own.

I realize, I don’t really want to be “successful” in the way people see it. An “independant self-made man” I mean, all that stuff, I can imagine it being really nice, but then when I actually wor towards it it’s hard. It’s not hard because I’m weak. I’m not weak. It’s hard because I don’t really want it. I don’t want a life of working on my own on stuff so I can be recognized as something special and powerful ect. I want a life of love and passion and friendship.

So now I think I might be ready to do two things:

1. One is to put more effort into getting involved in stuff other maybe more “independant
workers” have started that I think are cool, and contribute and make friends.

2. Then contribute to those friends with ideas of what else we could do, as the ideas
come to me, but tring to be able to finish or else not even start.

3.Also work on my own shit and focus on building habits and finishing.

Basically, it’s ok to work on my own shit, whatever that is, as long as I’m not expecting that shit to attract friends to me. That is the wrong way to look at it because it means you have to be something in order to be worthy as a friend. No, the friends will be made by contributing to other peoples visions which you agree enough with (and maybe adding a bit of your on vision in there).

hmmm.

So 3 things.(reiteration lol)

1. Join groups (like in elementary school) and contribute and make friends (gain love)

2. Do hobbies and focus on habit and finnishing and own expression (create love)
I create the love out of my own passion, just that I need to work on making friends at the same time or else my body will feel the sense of neglect and make it harder for me to create more love. It’s not that I wont have the energy, it’s that I am naturally distracted by the fact that I’m neglecting another passion I have, the passion for people, in order to do some hobby when I really want to be around people. Basically, punishing myself into working on a hobby when I really need more socia growth.

3. Share hobbies especially finnished projects, and ideas, with friends (Share love)

Scary to me is the thought that all the discipline for working on goals by myself
might come undone and I’ll just want to hang out with friends, which could lead
to them losing respect for me and then me struggling to get back on working hard on goals. Howver, it’s not that simple I guess. I mean, I can still form habits. Actually, I still NEED to form proper habits, for working on cool shit, in order to thrive. It’s just that I also need/desire to have friends to connect with and without those I will be living an incomplete lifestyle.

So I probably need at least a few people to be as extroverted as me and who can connect about the shit I think is cool. I guess I’ve been scared of letting people into my life who will not actually appreciate me for what I bring to the table. I may not care about recognition in the general sense, and I may not go seeking it. However, if someone is to be close to me, they need to connect with me in that they see and appreciate what I bring to the table.

See I’ll be far more regular in bringing it to the table if it’s with someone who appreciates it. However, if around someone who doesn’t, I might just feel like retreating into my room or trying to prove myself, which I don’t think I should have to do. So, yes I’m independant. I’m independant in that I have no problem doing whatever it takes to meet people I can connect with. Not only that, but I have high standards and would rather be alone than with someone I don’t feel the right connnection with.

Also it’s possible that going on family trips being close proximity with family for the car ride and hotel sleeping ect, boosts my energy. I often feel more creative in those situations. It’s like my brain starts telling me I have something to offer to these people now that I’m close to them (physcially and emotionally) and so I gain motivation.

So if my passion is contributing to people I’m close with then it makes sense that I should focus on building relationships with people. It’s weird that the media has a skewed the understanding of the importance of relationships, or at least they don’t know how wrong that information can be interpreted by someone who is going through what I was. Relationships are important if they are your strongest motivator, and if that’s the case, you should make peace with that so you can see what you really want in life.

Also when it comes to finding the right friends, when I was younger I had it wrong
because I focused on who looked “cool” and who acted “cool”. However, most of the people
who looked and acted really “cool”, it was because that was their focus. Therefore they
aren’t the people I’d connect with, cause although I appreciate that they look “cool”,
my focus is else where. I guess I assumed “cool” looking/dressing/acting people were
smarter ect, but reality is not that way and I was mislead.

This caused me a lot of rejection in child hood and a lot of me rejecting the people
who would actually have been better for me. This same thing works for girls too actually. The girls who are super into looks are mostly not girls I need to be talking to. Anyways, I just thought about this cause if I want to make friends who connect with me, well I was thinking, what has been keeping me from this all along, and so I realize it was me being disillusioned. So now I know who I connect with and who is good so I will able to just connect with them.

Freedom for me isn’t about not needing friendships to be productive. Freedom for me being able to find the friends I enjoy productive with and/or showing my products to.

Writing: Fiction vs Non-Fiction, Benfits of reading/writing, future of reading/writing

With fiction, or at least movies, comics, video games, I feel like I have an innate pull or appetite for them. With books not so much. I wonder if it’s like jogging where I just need to get started with a book and I’ll get into it. Or if I like comics, movies, ect, because they area actually better for me. Many academics argue that reading is better and that movies, and tv are not as good for the brain. I understand that reading involves more mental effort in terms of language and symbol processing but I’m not convinced that this is an argument that people should read instead of watch tv or movies, when it comes to doing something for pleasure. Also, as an extrovert, it naturally takes me more effort to do something so internal as reading, for the sake of pleasure.

Anyways, as for the argument of fiction vs autobio and bio and non-fiction, I think it’s that with fiction, especially the type I’m interested in with the super heros and stranges places and concepts ect, it is enlightening to me, in a way I feel I will benifit from more. With fiction, you can deal with what is possible, where as non fiction can only deal with what has happened. As well, I feel the type of fiction will be a determinant in the type of author and type of perspective I am exposed to.

I guess I was thinking, hey, I like people, so I should “focus” on learning about them. In this thought process “focus” I think actually meant in a goal oriented and glory seeking way, although I didn’t realize this about myself at the time. However, as I sit here in the library I want something to do that will bring me a feeling of joy, and searching for a nice autobiography doesn’t seem to be it. What seems to be it, is checking out the comic book club or watching Misfits online, and forgetting about any particular goal.

I feel like this and future generations have the capability to grow through the proper use of entertainment to the point where they become experts on human emotion ect. The softer skills. Not to mention all the networking that comes out of having such hobbies. In this way alone(networking) I have been selling myself short in that if I had gotten more into comics (something I do find interesting) I might have connected with many more people who were also into them. Beyond this, many of my previous emotional and intellectual growth spurts came about from/ or were aided by my exposure to these forms of entertainment. As well as the inspiration for other goals which I grew as I went about achieving.

Now, about the possibility that we could end up creating value just through our understanding and and application of entertainment. I guess one of the best way I can think of this working is as a form of education. So I guess I am wondering, do we get better and writings stories, more powerful stories, the more we read and listen to ect, stories. I’m sure the craft of writing improves as we read, and the same for other forms of story telling. What I mean though, is do we as a race, evolve these skills, so that they become more productive than before, over time. People who talk about “the classics” seem to be in some way suggesting that writing already reached it’s peak in a previous era. However, I’m thinking, if nothing else, that was just the peak for that generation. The writing style that could help them the most. At best, no there is no peak and with time writing and the benifits of it will improve beyond imagination.

Then there is the issue of there being so many voices, so many authors, especially online. The more people start writing, the longer it will take for talented but new voices to be heard. I’m not sure, maybe this is not even a problem since there will be word of mouth traveling quickly. kop[kop[kop[kop[kop[kop[kop[kop[kop[kop[kop[kop[kop[ko

Right, and the best writers will probably be the ones who have read a lot meaning less writing, less focus on trying to be somone, and more reading, more consuming other peoples work. I think it’s possible that people are often more interested in telling their stories, than on enjoying someone else’s and this will ensure thant not very many writers become good. The ones who will be good, will be the ones who either have the work ethic to just read stuff and improve without enjoyment, or who are less focused on ego, and more on passionate reading and inspired writing. I would rather be in the later, reading and writing in an enjoyable way.

However, not everyone who does write to try and make a name for themselves, is willing to let go of making a name for themselves. At least not if they don’t see benifit.

Sociology: For someone(entp?) who loves strategic challenge and humanity

well it’s 1:30 once again and here I am with another idea: Also I’ll note for the record I jogged twice week. once for 20 min on Wednesday after weights, and Friday(yesterday) for 8min lol after weights (felt burnout approaching so I stopped)  .

The process of weeding out bad options:

I mean, this may just be the natural process my mind has to go through to get to the right path. Just like the process of quitting a bad habit takes many attempts for the mind to learn the difference in mood from doing it and not doing it, for it to feel rewarding to not do it. I think the same type of thing is happening with this job search. I am slowly narrowing down my options. I moved away from the idea of just working for money, it didn’t feel right on so many levels, like I would be neglecting myself and everyone else.

The process of weeding out beautiful-inspired options that are somehow missing something:

I’m kind of moving away from art and music as well because although I enjoy them they don’t draw me in as much as I feel a job/game should. I need something focused more on strategy in an empowering feeling way that makes me feel alive. I want whatever career/game I chose to go into, to feel awesome to the music I listen to. I mean, I want to be able to play Avril Lavign’s losing grip” while walking to my friends house and feel like I am someone important, someone who is making a difference. I want that more than money.

 

The process of using experiences that make me feel alive as a gauge for what I like:

MTG, SC, Smash Brose, these games with strategy draw me in. It’s the strategy, the decision making, that draws me it. This is not replicated in programming and math because in these areas it seems mostly about buildings something based on how other people have done it. I would rather work on things where I use my mind strategically to solve something where I have less to go on. That is why in the above named games I am hesitant to even follow the strategies available I would much rather create my own.

The process of weeding out options that fit the above model except they are missing the people element:

Also programming and math are lacking a people element and it doesn’t seem authentic for me to go into either when the reason I would be doing so would be souly based on how I feel it would help humanity for me to do so. Psychology is cool but it is in a way more removed from “people” as although there is research to go into since I’m not interested in counseling(although once I get this sorted out I’ll probably try life coaching on the side, or at least market my blog. I also still feel like that research would be pretty far removed from the world of people.

The process of hindsight for seeing what would have made my choice an obvious one:

After seeing the video by Daniel H. Pink, I feel more confident to explore the possibility of sociology. Now thinking about it, I am pretty sure it is no coincidence that the course in school I think I found most engaging so far has been sociology at Seneca, and next would be European Civilization at York which I feel is deeply centered around sociology.

The process of building up determination and confronting possible obstacles/roadblocks:

I have heard many things about sociology being not a worth while course and only people bad at math go into them. However, I see the other side of the coin, about how it is actually needed, and that someone like me could probably make a huge difference in that area.

So that is where I’m at now, not sure how I’ll feel in the morning. Iunno what I’m basing everything on is, can I study the subject on my own and still feel engaged. That is a test I’ve been trying because it seems if I can’t do that, then it’s usually because I’m not interested in it enough but just interested in the people who are interested in it. Also I have this fear that if I chose a career that is based on just helping people, then if people don’t want my help, (this is worse case senario) if they just say, we actually only want people who can make technical stuff, if you can’t do that then we don’t need you(in society). Or something like that or I just get sick of people (which would probably mean depression which I avoid). However, I feel my study of people is not limited to helping them, but it is also just about me understanding them and maybe well not exactly integrating, but maybe learning how to improve relationships. So I feel that kind of knowledge will never be a waste. Also, thinking positively I guess the better I understand people the better I can figure out things I can create and provide for them, within my range of interest.

The thoughts that come after 2am about a goal I’m not even sure I’m going to go with…

Also, as I think I’ve wrote before, I’m more interested in doing what I believe in than in doing what other people want to pay me for. I mean, if I think the world could benefit from ideas like MBTI and others that I can research on, I would rather that be my life’s work and no one want it, than spend my life working on something I think is pointless for me and for society, and be paid to do that shit. I mean, as long as some people care about me (since as I said before I am in this spiritual position because I have people who love me, otherwise I’m not sure if I would care enough about others to be so focused on them, well maybe as long as I kept healthy, maybe it’s just a natural part of me… guess it doesn’t matter tho). Iunno, this is worse case scenario stuff though, basically it’s like saying what if I had a masters in comp sci but no one wanted to hire me just because. However, at least this way I am focused on what I actually care about. Basically, it’s for all the marbles. If I get tossed in the waste bin, I will remember how I fought the good fight. Also I’ll not give up and just take it one day at a time with my positive goal in mind and with a winning attitude.

Politics of the Passionate

 Wow, I thought I was finished but I’m not. Making a living is about people supporting you, because they support what you bring to the table. So either you believe in what you want to bring to the table, either fitness, or psychology, or whatever,  or you let other people decide what is important to you. It’s a lot like the SJ(not to say it’s only SJs or all SJs who are the issue) I had to deal with a few days ago. Do I decide to just follow the orders of the outspoken, in fear that I might be ostracized for being myself, or do I fight for what I feel is every persons right, the right to not be disturbed by someone who I feel really doesn’t give a shit about me or most people, and is content to just take what they want in life. Then do I keep silent, or do I make sure I am at all times being authentic with my views, especially my views on what I feel is important in life, authentic in what I feel is my gift to humanity, what I feel I should be supported to do.

So now I’m thinking(also based on something from personalityjunkie, that I need to be a bit more courageous when it comes to these things. I mean, I guess it’s easier to say now that I feel by following my functions in order will give me a strong productive direction in life, still, thinking about that SJ wakes me up even more because he was like a microcosm of everything I should be fighting against. Not to say it’s either me or him, just to say he thinks and he speaks for everyone in the cafe when he tells me I should do what he says, well I speak for me, and I say, I speak for everyone as well when I say I should not do what he says.  Who is right. I am pretty sure if it came down to a vote and we ignored who was more charismatic at the time it would not be unanimous. Some people would have thought I was being rude, some would have realized they wouldn’t like to have been approached that way either. Without my vote, the cafe becomes polarized in his direction. He spoke for everyone, so in a way he removed the freedom of everyone by there silence(although most were just not paying attention, I’m saying hypothetically) However, if I disagreed, I introduce a second view. Not that I want to win, just that I think I shouldn’t be forced to lose. That is what I believe in in those scenarios.

That is a microcosm of our society where in we have people wanting to work jobs that express what they think is the highest value they can offer others, and we have people working towards things mostly for themselves and who would rather the first people to just submit and work for them, and we have most people just in the middle undecided. As more people from the side of authentically working for others decide to go that route, there will be less people working for the side that works for themselves. As this happens, the undecided in the middle will also have to more further divide their support between the two sides. See, the people who work so they can share with others, really have nothing to lose because they are working for others, and inspired by what they can find, and give, they win by doing and by giving away based on their beliefs. They are therefore an unstoppable force if they decide they will all focus on giving. The ones that focus on taking, are the most unstable because they only win if they are gaining something for themselves. They win by doing and by taking. The undecided in the middle find solace in both sides. By receiving from the takers who give on the condition that they are supported in their taking, and by receiving from the givers who they are inspired to give back to if they are moved to believe in what they are receiving.

The takers make their choices fast. It’s not that they don’t have anything to offer, it’s just that they do it in a very yang way. They create order but it is order based on themselves. It is Machiavellian in that way. On the other hand the givers at this point in history in this society are being swayed more often by the takers BECAUSE most of the undecided are swayed by the takers BECAUSE the givers are still growing into their understanding of their place in the world and are not offering any alternate path. This is slowly changing as people now spend more on average on entertainment (and I’m guessing on soul searching as well) than ever. I believe it IS getting easier for people to follow what they believe in an make a difference and be supported. I just think it’s happening so slowly that the givers are getting scared that no one is going to catch them if they jump for it.

See it seems like for me having Fe as my tertiary function, I am more inclined to go with the flow of things(for the sake of social harmony), but then regret it later. However, that is only until I realize that doing so is actually worse for social harmony or at least for myself, than being authentic in my disagreement from the start. It seems all the NFs I know instead chose to go for what they believe in first, and only do what they have to in the mean time to support those wants. For me, as I said last post, I had been going based on Si, and also I think to a lesser and more big picture degree, Fe. Si for Moving towards stability by choosing the hard sciences and Fe by moving towards social harmony by aiming for a job with some company somewhere instead of striking out on my own, or maybe it’s Fe for deciding I need to make as much as the average person so I don’t feel like a loser, or Fe making money for future wife and family. So, it’s not that I should try to become an Fi user, although iunno how those work, maybe I am using it somehow.

What I need to do is go Ne for finding what is important to me, Ti (which I’ve been using to argue for why it’s important) for learning about it and developing and executing ideas, Fe for sharing those ideas with others, Si to stay healthy and if absolutely necessary do the most menial job in the mean time(which would depend on circumstances like how much money I need coming in to do what I want(the meaningful things I guess, + the fun, how many people do I need to support, ect) So if I am interested in starting a family then I’ll do what it takes to support one, but I’m not going to make that my priority when I’m not an Fe dominant. Nor will I go out searching for a girlfriend/wife, for the same reason. Nor will I do what some guy says for fear of being ostracized for standing up for what I believe in when I know I would not be happy with the alternative. That’s just compensating for an inflamed Si probably, even when it’s about loneliness, it’s the Si I think. Fe is about harmony outside the self, Si is about how you feel inside which would include extroversion needs and general well being needs of company. I guess sometimes I could fee pressured enough to use my Fe to please others for the sake of my Si, but that is moving backwards. The right way for me, is Ne seeing ideas that help people, Ti understanding how they work and implementing them for the sake of Fe’s desire for that harmony and Si feeling good about the chemical release that comes from making the world a better place.

 

Thoughts Before meeting friends: Focus on person security, Math

I want to feel empowered and I wonder if math can do that more than just writing can.
I mean, it’s my Si wanting career security but maybe even more so it’s wanting
independence. To the extend that a super hero would have although I don’t mean I
want to be super in that no one else has what I have, just that I think we should all
strive to be empowered.

I feel like I learned math in college only to pass tests, and even more so only
for that specific field, not for the greater purpose it could serve in my life.

I do find myself using math in my life, to the extent that I have knowledge, and
beyond that I wonder about what could be explored if i knew more. For instance, if
algorithms the body is based on can be seen in the physical manifestation. Math seems
like the quantitative half of philosophy to me actually. I have been exposed to
and developed the qualitative side in my life very well, but it seems the world
is moving in a way were qualitative study is more important. Or at least in my life,
at least with my Si, it is.

I also think, maybe what I should be focusing on is exploration in general and that
exploration is where a lot of the biggest wealth comes from, especially for someone
like me who can then make connections. What to explore though? Technology would be good
but maybe I’m just a bigger picture person but I feel like math is more interesting as
it applies to everything, where as technology is technology first. Just a tool.

People say math is a tool, and maybe it is, but beyond that I think math exists
as part of reality,even if only in that we perceive quantity, it’s important because
our perception of quantity is how we survive and a large part of how we experience
life.

Part of me also feels like maybe if I felt a greater sense of belonging, no matter
what the field, I would feel far more secure. Is that a good thing though? I wonder
because I would only be as secure as I was a part of the community which from experience
things happen, its not absolute. It might net me a job, but would I feel completely empowered.
I have for the longest time had the fantasy of empowerment through personal power. Although
I realize I do use a lot of what society offers, not to mention my love of people.
I just wonder if my Si could be fulfilled if say I joined a writers society and could
make a living as a writer, or would I still feel like something is missing without
being able to say I could make it actually on my own.

Like john Crichton. I feel like maybe I wouldn’t be fulfilled unless I become
super human and becoming superhuman would depend more on my mind than on physical
powers, and that I need at least equally strong qualitative and quantitative power
and they both need to be very strong. It’s kind of like yin and yang. Just like
Ne and Si are like yin and yang.

I guess it is possible that I actually could do a lot more if I just focused
more on philosophy and actually read more of what they have to say, searching, asking
specific questions, and gathering knowledge. However, It seems like philosophy can only
go so far in the physical world and is mostly about perspective. I guess it is possible
to discover things about the world, that could be converted in to a quantitative thing,
but why should I limit myself when math exists already and I sometimes find it interesting.

Living for inpsiration: Finding it (or Getting out of it’s way)

After my last post I started thinking maybe the best thing for me to focus on, at least when not inspired, would be my own  health. However this was partially based on my motivation to be creating something people might want to buy. Like, making a fitness blog when I’m in a less positive state which while I’ll be researching on ways  improve my own health, the only reason I would make a blog out of it is for money which is the opposite of my authentic desires. I am actually still recovering from that thought that supporting myself right now financially was somehow imperative to my well-being and even more, imperative to my self worth for reason of me being taking responsibility for myself. I am re-learning other ways of seeing my life now, other more positive ways. For instance, as far as doing something inspired, if this was my last day alive, would I rather spend it moving out on my own when I don’t have to, or spend it doing something I actually feel is important, regardless of what most of what is socially acceptable.

So I was realizing also, that maybe health isn’t enough. I mean yes I think health is a perquisite to living the type of like I want, but not the only one. I think at the end of of the day, maybe that thing that makes me feel most alive is inspiration which actually, to inspire means to breath life into. So what I’m wondering is how do I go about being more inspired. Even while I’m pretty positive today, without programming which I’m not sure is authentically me, I can’t think of anything else I could be doing right now and that leaves me obsessing over what I should be doing, even just for fun.

So I’m going to try creating a tree or graph thing to brain storm and try to come up with a system that works to build inspiration until I am automatically inspired to do awesome things. Here we go:

Method 1:

Feel like shit and obsess over what you can do for money and enjoy -> find that something -> jog and sleep well and do that something

Method 2:

Method 1+reassess if what you found you enjoy is actually authentic and if it is continue.

Method 3

Jog/sleep well -> feel inspired but with no goal, just positive -> just be curious about everything and take it all it -> when something from what you take in inspires you, act on that.

So I just listened to a song I wrote a while ago. Mainly because I read review your older creative works can help inspire and I realized I do that all the time when I’m seeking inspiration. So I did so and the song sounded better than usual which makes sense because my serotonin is higher than usual which makes music sound better.

I thought about the song which I love for reasons which may not make sense to everyone, but it’s basically has a feel like facing my own mortality.

This is one of my best if not the best. I feel like when it comes to what inspires me, sure there are lot’s of little one off ideas I have often, but…

Well when I was nearing the end of high-school I was watching a lot of epic style movies like 300 and troy ect, and samurai style movies and I was in this frame of mind that dying passionately would be a beautiful thing. It was kind of like life and death had become two halves of a life well lived. At this point I was also way more into Tae kwon do and martial arts in general. I felt like fighting was one of the highest forms of expression for me. Not as in, I have a lot of problems so I have to fight. Just like, I loved the idea of fighting and even the idea of a life and death struggle. Well I grew out of that I guess. As I grew older I realized how much people cared about me and I them and death stopped seeming so interesting and virtuose.

However, well I don’t think I’ll go back to feeling the way I felt in highschool, I feel like life in it’s entirety including mortality are the most interesting things. I feel like if I am to feel a sense of awe and wonder, it will probably be based around what life is, what consciousness is, who I was before, who I am now, ect. This is something I think I would gladly trade a big house and nice car for. These are things that, if I was to die tomorrow, I would want to experience as much of these things as possible and share them with people. It’s that deeply spiritual(including emotional, mental, social) stuff from an analytical perspective.

I feel like, when I’m in a high serotonin state I am more spiritual in this way. I’m not sure if I will find something, like a goal or anything specific, to work towards, but this is something that I would be ok focusing on in this state of mind, regardless of whether or not it nets me anything financially.

So maybe the way inspiration works for me is

jog/sleep -> high-serotonin state -> let it happen(it: The curiosity and enthusiasm and eventually ideas worth pursuing)

Basically, ones I’m getting the serotonin, I am inspired, but I just have to get deep enough to connect to it. Deep like meaning of life/death/reality/soul/music/art/poetry. This deep place is more authentic to who I am but if I shy away from it thinking I need to focus on something more practical or even worse deny myself in completely by not staying healthy and/or letting outside influences dictate who I should be, then I wont get it. Once I get it though, I think the poetry and art music and curiosity and everything will flow naturally. Just the thoughts of the day.

Jogging for Increased Inspiration/Direction cont.

        Is it that I stop believing in what I love of is it that I stop loving what I love enough to believe in it regardless of if it’s actually worthy. Iunno, I wonder if after jogging, i will still feel like moving out somehow while still doing school or is that just something that comes from feeling not in control and seeking that feeling from external environment instead of from personal health. I think it’s possible that I’ve solved the issue of wanting to do creative writing in order to move out but not being able to create because of  lack of motivation or inspiration. I realize that I don’t have inspiration when I’m focused on money more than the joy, but also because when I haven’t been jogging, this causes both lack  of inspiration and a lack of belief that what I’m doing is worthy for it’s own right and might even pay off.

        When I have been jogging, I seem to feel like what I’m doing is productive even if it’s entertainment, I mean entp entertainment, so creative things, of course, it will be original and valuable. Not everyone should be a doctor, someone has to make the toys, music, ect. Whatever else someone is inspired to do, regardless of whether or not they are paid, if it feels worthy enough the gamble should be taken maybe. It seems jogging increases both feelings that passion is worthy AND the level of creativity that goes into that passion. So maybe it isn’t because I didn’t have money that I felt I could do what I wanted, but hat because of not jogging that I could feel what I wanted to do, and maybe make money through that ,, otherwise do it prolifically and, be doing what I want, regardless.

        Sure living at home may feel like I’m depending on other people, and getting support, but people seem to be fooled into thinking that means I’m not taking responsibility for myself. When in fact I do nothing but that, and have never expected handouts, but am nothing but focused on what is worthy for me to focus on. Also when I jog, I don’t focus on how to be happy or have an awesome life, cause I already have it after that so I’m just focusing on enjoying it which takes lots of creativity. Also I wonder if I’m more curious after jogging, as curiosity and anxiety are opposing emotional state. Also I just feel like when I’m not jogging , I don’t have time to be curious cause I’m too worried about feeling worthy ect. Where as after jogging I am more interested in enjoying myself which curiosity is a part.

        So all this actually begs the question, is there any point even trying to accomplish things on days like today where I didn’t get enough sleep and when thoughts about my future career potential are creeping back in. I realize that my brain is becoming wired to approach my life in a way I feel is more on the pessimistic side. So I have the option of either entertaining that opinion and obsessing over those things until my next jog and good night’s sleep, trying to focus on what I think I would focus on if I were inspired, or just do nothing except maybe go for a walk, watch something online, and hope sleep takes me sooner that way. It seems actually like the smarter thing would be the later option.

        I also wonder after the increase in direction I felt after jogging, if we do all have an internal compass or source of direction for contributing the most good to the world, even if it doesn’t fall within one of the few categories that exist for that right now. I mean, I guess there are some people who don’t really give it too much thought as to what they want to do, they just already know and it already exists as a category for them to fall into. However, for others I feel it is not at all that simple. I mean, I wonder if it is actually extremely simple, but just lacking social support.

For example, the way I feel I would be heading if I kept jogging and kept improving in mood would be I guess focusing on finding more and even high level forms of fun/spiritual development. Such as story writing, music, philosophy and psychology study, game design(not video game necessarily), ect. I would be focused on that, not on how to “make a living” or how to “support myself”. You see, I’m not here to prove I can support myself. While it is good to have a part time job or two going while I’m in school, if I don’t have to support myself yet, why would I build an empire around that which distracts me from doing what I feel is closer to my authentic productive drives. I mean I hope what I do helps people enough that they pay me, but more importantly I want to do what is the truest expression of me as a life.

 

« Older entries

%d bloggers like this: