Don’t Grab Life By the Horns!/?

So I thought about structure and how there as a lot of things I could do that didn’t require thought meaning I could continue thinking while doing them and so I shouldn’t require so much motivation to do them. Even things like sleep, especially things like laundry, and even things like routine data entry aspects of blog posts etc.

Then I thought, well why do I need all this time to think and is this what my life is really going to be based on? Lately I have been realizing time has been passing while I continue thinking and planning. It feels in a way like I’m not enjoying my life. So I realized, maybe I don’t need to be making so many plans. Maybe I need to spend more time in the moment, and when I do make plans, maybe I should plan out when I will make those plans, so that for the most part I’m not doing this.

It seems like maybe I was using plans and possible goals, as almost like a drug. Fantasizing about who I could become, what I could do. I mean, having goals isn’t really wrong, it’s just that depending on them for happiness, especially when the goals is to find the best possible goal, it seems like there is a risk that I will end up never reaching that goal.

If this happens, then will mostly have wasted my time. However, my goal was also to live the best possible life, which is more achievable I think because it doesn’t depend on outside factors which are always changing. It’s just about I guess reacting to life, and just being. I think a lot of people are urging society to figure out what they want to do. To become fulfilled, to make a difference, to achieve. They stress these things that I guess you could sum up as “grab life by the horns!”.

Well I guess, if life for you is a bull, an animal you need to try your best to control.
However, there is a contrary idea, that what you can control is yourself. That self control, self mastery, leads to freedom. I feel like the whole pua/seduction mindset runs in paralell with the grab life by the horns mentality. Trying to control your environment and control other people.

I am starting to think these things will not be fulfilling for me. Now, this isn’t to say that I wont have goals. What I’m saying is that I will have goals, as a reaction to a want/need. I wont have goals as an end to themselves. I wont have goals just so I can say I’ve achieved goals. I wont have goals just so I can say I’m grabbing life by the horns. Also I feel like trying to find the best path, is like closing oneself off
to possibilities.

Oh, another thing. The way I though about it on the bus was that I had been
spending my life waiting for life to happen. Waiting to figure out how to live so I can do it, waiting until I can meet a nice girl lol, etc. I realized that there is so much of live I’ve been just not experiencing because I’ve been so busy waiting. I guess it would make sense if there was really something I needed to wait for. Well I guess it does make sense because I was waiting for the realization that I didn’t need to
keep waiting, that I was waiting for the arrival of something which is already there.

Although I guess I did expand my mind a lot these last few years, and if I hadn’t I don’t think I would be as happy with not waiting anymore. Anyways, so what I want to do now, is well, not so much stop thinking and live only in the present, but I guess just let go of some idealized future. My hypothesis is that once I stop trying to reach some ideal, I will be able to enjoy what is already infront of me, including the ideas as they come to me, but also just whatever life is.

Basically, not relying on goals for your happiness, allows you to be open to the wonder of the universe, and then that will make you happy. I mean, maybe this wont be the case for all mbti types, or even all types of entp, but for me this seems right. I feel like the time when I was happiest as a kid, although that happiness
was extremely vulnerable, was when I was just open to the universe. Another thing I realized though on the other end of the spectrum is that I don’t really need to be around the most flamboyantly interesting aspects of life to have enjoyment. Infact, there seems to be a point where too much “interesting things”(internet?), but that don’t need to any action, is almost a waste.

I so guess I want goals based on wonder, not on achievement…if that makes sense. Chinese for example, is based on wonder. I think my wonder is very people focused actually…I feel like the thing that holds me back from this wonder, is wanting to utilize it. The best way I guess to deal with this, might be to just only do things that are nessesary, and let the rest be based on when I’m inspired and when not inspired, I can simply be in the moment(which may bring inspiration but if not will atleast feel good).

Also for me, as a wonderer, I feel like my “productivity” is often in my ability to share what I’ve found with others. Otherwise, as has been the case with a lot of my thoughts, they are just in my head. I need to find other reasons to live than just goals. Goals end. See, if I can give up the idea of trying to become something, then  that whole pride thing will go with it, and then there will be nothing holding me back from being as people oriented as I want. See because even if people would say, “why don’t you have your own thing” I can say,
“I don’t need or want my own thing” or”you are my thing, get used to it”.


Intimacy and Connetion When Alone

Not much to say here. Today was an interesting day.
Now that I’m back home, well I was just on the computer surfing random youtube videos. Looking without any really aim, and lot feeling satisfied, just if anything numb and distracted. So I decided I would just turn the laptop away from me for a second and see how I felt. I felt tired. So I’m going to bed.

“bed time” is a very intersting state. Falling asleep either with other people
in the house or alone, seems to have a level of intimacy.

I’m not sure it this is just a conditioned feeling based on childhood
experiences, or if it that I may dream of other worlds. It could
also be just the way brainwaves change, or the fact that in sleep our
brains make connections.

“Making connections”. That is to say, the brain goes through an intimate

It is interesting to see how something like falling asleep alone
can feel intimate while something like being in a crowded bar
can feel lonely. I think I want to seek out intimate experiences as opposed
to loneliness. (btw even loneliness can become intimate once you can be
in the moment with it. Louis CK describes this in detail in a clip on youtube.
I think it’s about everyone is on their cellphones these days or something.
You might have to google.

It’s not just that I want to be alone, but I don’t want to be in a position
where I feel disconnected. Now I can kind of see why monks go off in
solitude somwehere. I mean I’m sure there are other reasons, but I always
thought it was to “escape”, and run away from their problems. Now I can
see that they might just do it because solitude is just what they want. It
is where they feel most connected. Although it still feels a bit extrem
like, if we are supposed to be social beings, why are some of us up in a
mountain alone iunno. Could be that we aren’t “supposed” to be anythign
other than happy. It could also be that those monks will stumble upon the right
people this way, or gain the right inspiration to share things with people,
instead of giving up their happiness.

So, I want to seek intimate experiences. The ones through sleep, the ones
through mindfulness, maybe through music although even here I feel like
when I make music I need to decide am I making this to show other people, or
for myself. For myself is far more intimate.
I could get into the habit of making songs and then just deleting them
right after so no one get’s to see. lol, that would force me to just enjoy
them. However, then I wouldn’t get to save them.

So when I had that cold ealier in the year, I was feeling like, if I were
to die it would be so lonely and disconnected, so sad. So I felt like maybe
I should focus on connecting with other people. Now though, I feel like
connection takes on a whole new meaning. It doesn’t have to be with other
people. It just has to be.

I remember this one time listeing to angles by the tea party, I felt like
it was almost my life flashing before my eyes, but in a good way. It was
extremely beautiful and intimate. It was also just me by myself (although
someone else’s music but still).

Spirituality, intellegence, dreams, teal swan, mindfulness of the shit lol

“It’s a seasoning you have to accept” – a quote from a dream I had where I was fighting my Tae Kwon Do instructor on top of a train car and this mysterious intense pain in my stomach that I’ve had in many other dreams happened and as in many of the others, it was as if someone was doing it to me. In this case in was the instructor and he said “it’s a seasoning you have to accept”. Then in the dream I knew what it meant and so I screamed into the pain, with the pain, and in a state of I guess pride, and the pain was more accepted.

I listened to Teal Swan talk about spirituality 2.0 where you learn that just focusing on positive goals eventually means being happy but always running from discomfort and so it’s maybe not optimal. So you allow discomfort to happen, or maybe run towards it even.

This is supposed to be a goal you reach after you get as far as you can into 1.0 where you are happy almost all the time. Iunno about that though. I feel like it just depends on how much drive you have to be happy all the time. (which may be due to some innate level of spirituality)

I feel I have done some of the 2.0 stuff although maybe not always for the right reasons. Like I have felt really lonely because I was not willing to not hang with people I didn’t like.

Anyways I realized that a lot of the most important things I’ve learned in life have been about how to be happy and for the most art these aren’t things you can make money off of. I often have wished I could find something that I could be satisfied doing that I could also make money off of but for the most part I haven’t found it.

I realized though, that if I focus on 2.0, on being happy with things not being perfect, then that would mean I wouldn’t need to worry about what I could make money doing. I would be happy and inspired just because I chose to. It’s like, if we really have so much abundance, then no one should need to buy or sell anything. So maybe that is the path I’m on.

Monks make this stuff seem so boring. Living isolated up in the mountains and where robes. I have heard some of those guys aren’t even seeking spirituality 2.0 or even 1.0, but instead are seeking followers so they can feel like the shit. Spirituality 2.0 as I’ve experienced it is way different because when you are really engaged in your spiritual growth and get those moments of euphoria and connection, it’s actually awesome.

My main issue now is that I feel way happier now than I did over the summer when I was lonely a lot and apparently social contact is a human need. I’m wondering if I feel happy because of the health from connection only, or if being in school makes me feel more connected to society and more valuable. If it is the later, I am wondering if it’s because I THOUGHT/think that being valuable is still important and this is just a belief I can overcome, or if it is a deeper psychological need that is hard to get over, or if it’s even just something that is a want, but a deep want, that I haven’t learned to live without.

Also I realize at and after 2.0 I would be way more in the moment because I wouldn’t be planning how to get away from boredom that could creep up in the future. So I would be more in the moment, and I realized that being in the moment makes it easier to learn so I would be smarter? It makes me wonder if spiritual development will parallel with intellectual development and ability.

The power of “Story” on hormones, happiness, love

My comment to this article:

Interesting! Reminds me of the concept that a certain type of happiness that has to be built up over time through positive life experiences(So I am assuming these experiences need to be remembered). Also there is the relationships between memory and depression, meaning increase serotonin = better memory + less depression.  It stands to reason that positive memories would also increase base serotonin rate and increase happiness and that positive memories related to a brand are made strong because branding creates a web in memorize tying together multiple things related to that brand with the brand as a symbol. As this symbolism and inter connectivity increases memory power, if the memory is positive, then it would increase happiness.

It’s funny because many people say that happiness is in the present. That if you want to be happy you need to stop focusing on material things, on the past/future. However if memory is strongly linked to hormone levels, and material possessions(or brands, since some brands are not based on physical products) then it seems the past may be more important to happiness. As well this is inline with the idea that goals that are harder to achieve, take time ect, are more meaningful when achieved. So maybe the past is actually more important to happiness EXCEPT for times when a person practices mindfulness, as people who had troubled pasts can basically wipe their emotional slate clean with mindfulness practice.

Boredom: as the key to authentic love-based creativity

Beyond that I still feel like excitement is missing from my life. Sure it might be exiting once I can do research in 2-3 years lol, but now? What will I do for now? I could fast track my studies but I feel like working super hard wont add to my life in the best way. I think my problem is that I’m not allowing myself to be bored. I am denying myself it to the point that I feing sleep for fear of the moments before where I lay awake without stimulation.

So let’s talk about boredom for a bit. It feels like a negative emotion I’m sure we can agree. However, is it negative as in an unhealthy stressor? Or negative as in a drive/urge. Well I’d say it’s the later, a positive stressor, a drive. I say it’s a drive, as in a drive for stimulation, for experience, and these things I’d say are positive things to have urges for. So what have I been doing. Well quite naturally, when I feel a tinge of boredom I try to find something to keep me stimulated. Also I’m guessing my seeking of an exciting adventure or whatever is driven by tht feeling that what is happening now is not as excting, aka sustained borederline boredom.

The thing about boredom is that it can inspire creativity and therefore excitement on it’s own. It’s just that people often don’t allow that to happen and instead find things to keep their minds occupied. For me it seems I’m getting bored of videogames,tv shows,movies ect. Apparently it could come down to entp pattern recognition ability.

I think what I might do is allow myself to be bored and see how long it takes for me to become creative on my own and then just roll with that. I’ll keep writing this blog because well it seems to be one of those things that I’m creating. I’ll probably be writing a lot more and about different things if I don’t give myself any input, or limit my input. Actually I think I’d rather limit my input rather than shut it off completely because I think some is good for my developement.

In order to truly be bored though I would have to let go of the idea that I should be doing something special. My creativity should be for the sake of my experience, not as something I can say I do. I feel like the practise of being bored is much like the practise of meditation and much like sleep. Especially like sleep, being bored will inspire imagination as sleep does dreams. Also as meditation can mean the calming of the mind and it’s thoughts, boredom means at least the calming of input from outside sources. I feel boredom increases the dopamine receptors in response to lower average stimulation but not sure.

Now…why would one chose creativity over exploration of the outside world. It seems to me that creativity has far more potential for bringing happiness or piece than does seeking excitement fro outside. I feel like seeking stimulation from outside is kind of like a scarcity drive. You know, like a remnant of when humans needed to learn about their environment so they could survive. Just that now we don’t need to do this as much but like with eating fatty foods, we do it because it feels good and kind of highjacks the reward circuitry.

Well for me with little money to through around, and not as much inspirig me to explore it, I feel like I need something else. I am hoping that by allowing myself to be bored often, it will allow me to be more creative in ways that enrich my life even if it only ends up being my life for the most part that is enriched by it. To be clear I feel that for me, working towards goals like being good at something like being a well known blogger or writer ect, are based on boredom. Based on wanting external stimulation, and high jacking my reward circuitry in this way to do it. I feel this is different from someone who writes or draws only because they love it, and then people just like what they do but either way they do it because it is them adding love to their live instead of trying to seek it from outside which imo is unachievable because love and excietment for life is a state of mind, not something you take from the world. More of something we all have in us to feel and give.

Also it seems that like sleep, creativity that comes from boredom is very organic. It’s a naturally occuring thing. Not something forced for social recognition or sense of fulfillment. I guess this would be an example of psychology knowledge helping me and hopefully others. We’ll c.

Link to a source on boredom increasing creativity:

The Serotonin Experience: Vitamin D

About a month ago I started taking Vitamin D. Actually it was by random chance while cleaning my room that I found a bottle that I though was empty. Thinking I’d just throw it out I picked it up and it was half full. It was 400ui vitamin D pills. I took like 5 just to see what would happen. I thought maybe it would help with my recently low sex drive. Well at the end of my work shift I suddenly got this feeling. Well it was more of an inner dialogue at first, I was thinking about in general bad people, challenging people, threatening people. The I thought, I think I would love to than to laugh in the face of a threat, even if it would cost me my life. I just started feeling like being able to laugh in the face of danger, was as important as surviving.

The next day I realized this is how I start to feel in the summer(it was Feb when this happened). Also music started to sound way better than usual. These aren’t things I was expecting to experience while on Vitamin d so I don’t think it is any placebo. As well recently reading online confirmed that SSRI’s and other brain serotonin increasing supplements make music sounds really good.

I upped the dosage over the next week till I was taking 6000UI per day. My sense of humor improved a lot. However, it seems my filter for what is ok to do and not ok to do has decreased. For instance the cafeteria at my school gives crackers with soup but one day I just took some crackers by themselves which isn’t really something I’d usually do since it’s kind of like stealing when I take something that should go with something you buy. Also in my lecture class someone showed me a video of a guy doing a back-flip and landing on his head and I basically screamed “arrge” and then covered my face while laughing as everyone was looking at me.

More recently and part of why I have decrease the dosage is I started feeling first of all kind of disconnected from everything. Like life was passing by and wasn’t really something that was mine to hold onto and experience, but just something to watch as it passed each day. Then I started feeling like if I died that day or some time soon it wouldn’t really be that bad because I lived a full life. I had happy memories from childhood and early adulthood and if my life ended it would still hold value for having been lived.

On top of that, my sex drive grew even worse and my research tells me that was because increased serotonin decreases dopamine. Dopamine which is resonsible for sex drive and erections, neither of which I was experiencing, at least not while awake. So I’ve lowered the does and started taking cheese which contains tyrosine which has greatly improved my sex drive, and I think the other symptoms of high serotonin are beginning become more balanced as well. I don’t mind not being scared of danger but being disconnected isn’t really that much fun and I’m barely getting any school work done these days.


White Room Theory: Nothing “should have” been (06/2013)

hypothetical situation. A boy is forced to live his life in a white room.

He learned mindfulness and finds tremendous joy in every moment of his time in the room. He is then released as an old man of 95 and learns that it was let’s say his very oen father who had him put in there. So a lack based mentatilty might be to feel contempt for his father for keeping him from so much of the world. Only allowing him to see it when he has no time to even live. People will tell him, he was supposed to have experienced so much but that it was all was stolen from him.

And abundant way of viewing it would be that he was never promised anything. His life is what it is. He should just be thankful that he has life and make the best of it. If he knows mindfulness he would be able to continue feeling joy, and even more joy probably, now that he is free to see the world. There is only the present moment so there is no need to think about the fact that he is near death.

If he realizes that there are no rules he wont say his “rights” were violated. It is just how things happened. Justice is man made. Fairness too. Reality is only what is. Either figure out how to be happy or don’t. No point wasting time trying to settle scores that don’t exist.
The idea that he was “supposed” to live a normal life, doesn’t make sense. If he was supposed to, he would have. No one is supposed to be or do or have anything. No one was promised anything, those ideas are just cultural fabrications. Everything is just a gift, all of life is being constantly given in whatever way it is. Just make the most of it. That is working with reality. The only thing that is supposed to be is that a human life that is conscious, is conscious, and works towards what it wants. Even that, is a gift.

Also, if he had very high serotonin I’ll just add, he may be completely accepting of his fate with or without mental techniques or philosophical insights.

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