The Drive for Authenticity, for Being Human

So to summarize the last little bit there:

For the longest time I have been in search of a life full of meaning.
I thought it should be like an action packed movie or game.
As I grew older the urgency grew as I started to feel less and less human,
living in the same house of my providers, not being able to
provide for myself even, let alone do something meaningful.

Tonight I felt the cold winter wind on my face and hands, and I
retreated into the warmth of my parents house, only to realize I was
running away from the possibility of being truly authentic, which I would
be if I had no home to turn to, and had to fight for my survival, for any
shred of warmth, even against society.

I listened to the opening song of a show and realized not all music I love
urges me to live out the fantasies of some other person’s story.
So I realized there was an origional part of me, that music could go with.

I realized part of me would rather freeze to death than live in
an inauthentic and dependant way, but that going back out into the night
then, would be a waste, a step in the wrong direction. However, so would
moving towards a job in a feild that would just be making a living.

So I realized I would rather continue with school, and more philosophy
especially, and possibly end up in the cold at a later point, after having
tried to make a difference to the best of my abilities. If that happened, I
would accept it, and do my best, and it would be me, and I would be proud,
and turn my nose up at anyone or anything that didn’t see why I’ve won.

Rather that, than spend any amount of time trying to secure a job I don’t
believe I should be doing, to be supported by a society in which I would
not be living authentically.

So, I have a very strong need now, to make something of this path that I
have chosen. I need it, as if I were still outside trying to get in.


Stoicism, Perspective, Sex, success, “giving up”

So yesterday I was feeling tired and so I decided I would just stop trying to think or keep myself awake etc. I was sitting on the bus and so I guess I got some micro-sleeps because I felt better soon after and was actually horny and for the rest of the evening a lot of women looked really attractive to me. However, then I started researching stuff about increasing or maintaining this feeling using herbs etc, and then I was up until past 12.

I originally decided to take a nap out of a sense of being overwhelmed slightly, and realizing I was doing it to myself. Why was I doing it to myself though? Well, because of other people and other perspectives out of which grew
a kind of damaging idea. The idea is that if you want to be happy you need to push yourself beyond what is healthy to earn it. That you are not good enough that you should be happy and that the only way to get there is to become something more.
“More” which is really a target moving further and further in to the distance forever.

Then there is the other way. Instead of striving for happiness, just strive for relief from unhappiness, in the healthiest and most
effective ways you can. Heh, then as I got up to start walking I starting thinking hmm maybe it’s about denying yourself things, like, not indulging. Based on how much peanuts suck for my mood. Then as I starting walking I though, wait, i don’t want to have to deny myself happiness. Then walking more I thought what is it I keep doing that keeps me in this cycle of happiness and then unhappiness. Also I thought about perspectives.

Then I thought, I’m really tied right now and no sex drive and it feels shitty, but what if I had just had a huge orgy last night and THEN woke up feeling this way? Maybe it would feel like a success so I would feel satisfied. So maybe I just need to change my perspective from one of constantly seeking sucess to one of seeing myself as already and always successful. In the short term people might not understand this way of seeing things, but I guess as long as it ended up as me being inspired and
doing more, then maybe it would work out. Sitting down again I feel like, would I feel that ONE orgy was success if it could never happen again? hmmm

So I think this is very important, especially in times when you already are kind of happy but thinking about being more happy. Here it seems I have the choice. I can either just chill and be happy with what I have and who I am, or I can stay up later than I should trying to get somewhere better. Iunno, because it’s hard once you are in a shitty mood to just have the perspective of being awesome. Or at least, even if you can feel like a success, it wont stop you from being in a bad mood. I guess it could at least stop you from letting your mood get any worse. So it could be that the best time to make the change in perspective, is while in a shitty mood lol.

So I guess a very stoic way of looking at the world then, which would be independent of social judgements so free of interference by other peoples perspectives, would just be that achievements don’t matter. Money doesn’t matter, travel doesn’t matter, sex doesn’t matter, health maybe doesn’t even matter. All that matters if even that, is consiousness. It matters as much
as it IS. You can’t have perspective without being conscious therefore consciousness “matters”. now that is a sleek design.

All these other things, even happiness, are all kind of transient as experiences in that you could expereince being happy one moment and then not happy the next. Consiousness isn’t quite like that. For the most part you are conscious or you are not. Well I guess there are levels of “clear hotheadedness” or fuzziness so I guess even there it’s hard to say.

Also if teal swan is right that you can’t stop wanting something you want, namely happiness, then the perspective of not care, wouldn’t be in conflict with this, it would just make it easier to get it.

Christianity and other religious views of an afterlife are also different perspectives that probably had an impact on me when I was younger. The idea of having unlimited lifespan is appealing.

Also, well, there is a difference between changing perspective of success and changing perspectives on relationships and general health. I am all for letting go of the idea of “success” I think success is realizing success is a fad and then having only the goals you just want to do and that would be painful to not do.

Health I hear from teal is perspective based as well, like you could be wounded but just change the perspective so that you don’t care. I guess maybe this has a place, if it adds to happiness.

The relationships, I think this is tricky. I don’t want to become sociopath. For now I think my biggest issue is just success so I think if I could let go of that idea I would be happier and sleep better etc. Basically realize if you die without achieving all your goals it isn’t really…iunno. It feels weird to say this, almost like it’s welcoming death lol. Well I can say at least for goals involving expressing myself, it’s kind of like how a child will want attention, the more growing should lead to less caring about it until you don’t care if anyone praises you for anything.

It’s almost like that Fe(people focused part of me) was trying to please other people, I guess through Si(body focused part, but if I let go of that perspective, iunno, maybe it will free me to actually just love people. It seems that this is what happens. It seems like today a lot of what people hate each other and fight over are just permutations of need of love from each other. Based on a perspective that it actually matters that people love you.

Huge Life Purpose Seeking = Distraction?

There are a few things I feel could be possible paths to a purposeful life in this regard, and I am trying to for-cast here because I’m not quite there yet myself:

1) That by slowing down and focusing on being healthy you allow inspiration to come in naturally. As if purpose is something that comes to you, or is innate in you and just needs to be brought out.

2) That just as finding purpose could distract us from health and general inspiration, it also may distract us from general hobbies and fun. It is possible that these hobbies are stepping stones to bigger things or at least they are things a part of us doesn’t want to see left not finished. The difference between helping the whole world in some huge way that only you could do, and the same but helping one person, may only be a difference in scale. It could be that by setting our sights super high initially we psych ourselves out because we can’t find a way to inspiration for such a big goal, or even find the goal itself.

3) That a larger purpose may come out of the smaller things you like doing. At least in that you would interact with many people and can be a positive influence on them. You can want to have a huge purpose in life and there are infinite ways to get there. However, those ways become more visible the higher up you go with what you enjoy doing. For instance, if you write a short story, then you meet a guy who writes comics and make a comic. Or you realize you could turn it into a novel, ect. Just as you will be inspired to do a basic thing, once you do that thing, you may be inspired to do something that builds on that basic thing.

If you decide you want to make a movie right now when you haven’t done anything remotely close to it, your in a hard place. You will have to think of an idea and write a story first. If you have already wrote a novel, deciding to make a movie wont be as big a step because you already have the basic idea down.

So basically a new possible way of thinking about this is you have to start from your basic inspiration and let it build on what you’ve produced. Once you’ve produced stuff, you will see a bunch of new possibilities based on those things and connections between them and then you can build out.

New Youtube Idea: Exanding on the theories of past thought leaders, feeling more human

ok, I put together that I am most interesting in intriguing things and discovering or creating things I didn’t think were possible, using my strengths of logic, making connections etc. I added to that, my observation that there are people on youtube
like thegametheorist who seem to be a lot like me and had success with it, especially that he noted other people helped just added on to his awesome “vision” and how he had many interests but somehow ended up unemployable. Just generally he sounds hugely like an ENTP although I guess he could have been ENFP or something.

The way he researches to make connections and his videos as basically essays is something I find very fun and rewarding if I can just get the motivation to do it. I guess in that way it’s like with MTG where you research and discover connections and put them together to create something awesome based on the assumed vision of being able to do that. The difference is MTG is easy. Flipping through a binder of cards to find combos is easy. Researching what philosophers have said and background on them etc to right essays on them is not easy. It’s hard. Rewarding, but hard. It could be that the difference for me between a worth while goal and a leisure activity is the worth while one will be something where passion and strengths collide, but also that is hard enough that it wouldn’t just be for fun. I mean, I think I’m goal oriented enough that I can handle something that is hard and rewarding.

Also I’ll add that just like him, I’m not on youtube looking for fame. He was just trying to advertise himself to employers, showcasing what he could do. I’m looking for connection with other people, trying to attract people who will be able to relate to my interest. Also just to do something that feels fulfilling. That feels like the type of work that I’m meant for. I don’t expect it to be the masses, but as long as I make some good relationships out of it, and feel like I am appreciated I feel like that would make it worth it.

I feel like if I do something on youtube, maybe it should be something like game theorist.
Another thing about the game theorist is that he went all out with his videos. Maybe because he was trying to show employers what he could do, iunno. I feel like if I really visualize how important going all out is, at least working up to going all out, that is where I will start drawing attention.

My only issue is what topic should I cover.

I could do philosophy, just like I’m already studying it in school so studying it on
my own and making videos about it in a very professional way could be cool. However, I would need to put my own twist on it. My own perspective. At the very least I’d need to be someone who sees the more than what is there, so that I can have something of value to add. I think I can do that. So far my philosophy class this year and the near-philosophy
class last year, have been the classes where I have been most able to do this.

I guess if I am to go anywhere on youtube, I should probably focus on creating new theories based on what is already there. Meaning theories expanding the works of other important theorists. Doing this will most likely draw more attention to me than simply trying to convince people to watch me, someone they don’t know. Not only that, but I get ideas very quickly when I have something to react to so it would actually be better just overall for me to be expanding on something instead of just trying to create something from scratch. The research should be on things I have a fascination with so I enjoy it. Carl Jung, etc are good areas to work in. So I can read up on those ideas, and then hopefully expand on them, and do so in such a way that is enjoyable to whatever audience.

I avoided reading much classic philosophy for along time because the last thing I wanted was to be taught how to think instead of developing my own way and confidence in it. I always believed in myself in that I would have something to offer with my philosophical thought and I feel like I now have something of my own style. So now, well I’m reading classical philosophy in school and reading very critically I might add. I will talk about this therefore, but also soon ant to read more interesting guys like Jung.

I wonder if this is better than trying to write fiction. I think it will be since
I will be discussing possibilities anyways and so it could end up dealing with things
that are fictional, at least for the moment.

I feel like just focusing on mbti and carl jung ect would be enough. Just whatever seems most relevant to me. I don’t have to take a huge area to work on because really everything is expanding and so people will have to start carving out smaller more targeted niches. Either that, or pick a big niche, and hope other people want to help me expand it more than I would do on my own. Iunno, for now I’ll just focus on doing what I can do well.

Also it’s like this. Even if there were a bunch of entps discussing the same topic of mbti or even the same topic of a video game, I have a feeling different individuals would have different things to add on the topic. So it’s not even like this one guy can cover all of videogame theories. Well I guess it help that many people have joined in. Still though, the field of possibilities which we indulge in is infinite. There is always room for more, either adding on, or arguing, etc.

Also, I will be focusing though on things that are important to me, and they will be important for me to share because it will be that it is not yet common knowledge and the fact that is not, is to our detriment. So until it is common knowledge, I’ll definitely have a place to speak about those things.

Or should I focus on fun? I guess it’s fun, but still a goal and requires work and habits. Would I want it any other way? Hard work pays off.

This actually has me pretty excited now because it seems things are coming together even more. I can put posters on my room, play cool music, and talk about meaningful things, and maybe crack a joke here and there as I go along. Basically through this understanding of what area I’d be best at on youtube, through studying guys like the game theorist and all that he said about his life, I realize more fully the area of my greatest potential. So now I can truly put something of MYSELF out there on youtube. Something people can connect with in the way I also connect with other youtubers. Through that I feel I will
feel more connected, and more human. Aristotle says that you are only human if you are a functioning part of your society. This makes sense in that humans are social functioning creatures. So it seems to have a lot to do with self-actualization, the feeling of being human.

It’s interesting to see that some people lucked out in that from an early age they always had a position in a society. Whether it was on the playground, or at the prom, or student council etc. However, some people take longer to find their place among society. I feel the internet is good in this in that it enables those naturally inclined towards intellectual pursuits, the chance to contribute in those areas.

Fun For Youtube: Find Intrigue then dive deep into understanding it

So what I have been thinking about this weekend, is the focus on fun. I’m am feeling more and more like the future will depend to some extent on people having fun. By “fun” I mean attaining higher levels of happiness, joy, passion, feeling alive, ect. Well, I guess you could say I’ve been distracted even from that because I’ve actually been focusing on how the fun I plan to have, could translate into a form of value for other people.

See I am creative in general, but mostly I don’t do as much with it as some other types. At least, I don’t do as much on the outside. However, on the inside things are happening.

I wonder if I could just extrovert those things that happen in my head, just express myself more fully, would would be the result. I’ve already learned lately that in conversation, the more I am able to say what is on my mind (where it’s invited) the more value and enjoyment I end up bringing to the converation. Even negative opinions of someone, if said in the right way, will come across as not a complaint but as a humorous observation of my own disliks.

Anyways, here is the brainstorm of the solo activities I enjoy and where I feel I could add value to an audience:

Books – On the rare occasion that I’m reading a book, I am not the type to just say “that was a good read”. If I am reading a book, a book I like, I will be making connections to other concepts for the duration of that read. Sadly I think reading a book is not video worthy, but the discussion about what I’ve read might be.

Also, while I enjoy writing story ideas, it could be more efficient to instead of trying to put the random inspirations into something. I could just speak about them as they come up. This leads me to, when watching a movie and I think, well wouldn’t it be cool if this happened instead. I could voice that idea.

Music – Just nodding my head wouldn’t work. However, if I can go in deep about what exactly the song makes me feel, (like I have done in some comments, with great response) I feel like I could be adding some value there as well. I could even do this with my own songs, as well as more popular songs, or just a wider variety. Also I could accept other people reccommenting me songs as people love to do. I get it. The value that comes from reccomending ones tastes to someone else. It’s like, the chance to form a connection with someone else based on something very deep. That’s gold.

Movies are one where you could actually watch and do commentary while watching. It would be like what I do anyways in my head. Something strikes me and I just go off on a tangent and think about something for a few minutes. I could have that process outloud. Ect.

Video games, same thing. I mean there are games that are enjoyable for the gameplay and for me it would be stuff like smash bros, starcraft, mtg. That stuff is goal oriented, competition oriented stuff which is also fun (with other people) but it’s not the thing I seem to fight for the most. At least, in the past it hasn’t been the thing, or the only thing, I’ve fought for. Zelda 64 was all about just exploring and learning more about the world and about people and their perspectives through the worlds they create.

Now, this is just sticking to stuff that is fun. I’m sure people could learn from watching the way I do dishes. It’s just that that might not be as attractive, as fun. So it would be better to learn possibly the same ideas, but through something I actually find fun.

I’m now wondering how much can be learned from me, just being myself, instead of actually trying to make a name as a teacher. I wonder if the the foundations of my cognitive style could somehow be summed up in how they are expressed why I am enjoying myself. This would be very valuable I think. However, it seems at least right now, that much of my congitive developement, happened through me trying to solve the problems to get me to this point. Trying to reach a state of passion and enjoyment in life, and connection with people, and meaning.

It is possible, especially with the music analysis, if I focus on the emotions, that I could be leading people in more emotional/spiritual exploration and that this would be as/if not more important than the reasoning that got me here.

I am kind of shifting to the focus of value more than fun at this point. Iunno, maybe I shouldn’t. I think I now focusing on it for the sake of seeing if I have somehting worth putting on youtube, and something good for humanity.

Anyways, so I kind of feel like that sweetspot for me for engagement, would be letting people recommend me songs and also my choice of songs being stuff more than just I enjoy. Then leading the views through my emotional analysis of myself as I listen to these songs. Not just for them, but also for me, as it would be a form of learning about myself and about the world and other perspectives. Also it activates my imagination in a far more natural way than if I just sat down trying to create stories.

Oh, this sounds familiar. I realized the same thing about learning Chinese today. I don’t enjoy making up stories just for the sake of productivity. I’d much rather be making a story based on guessing of what actually could be. It’s a form of exploration, or wonder. Sometimes that wonder is initiated by some random thought or sight or occurance. However, in cased where a person has created a sort of mystery, my imagination can often run wild in search of possibilities.

So there could be this natural trend in my productivity where I do best when I have something in front of me that is intriguing. Wether it is a written language, or my own emotional reactions to something. Also I guess you could say this creativity is a good form of problem solving and that the more indepth I can go with my digging, the more other could benifit.

The secret here seems to be in finding things that generate that intrigue. Not all things do this. Physics doesn’t often seem to do this. It’s just to of this world for me. I see possibilities far beyond it.

Letting go of need for recognition: The Joy of Sharing Interests

This post outlines my process of discovering of an overarching interest I have that is strong enough that it brings love into my life which I can give to others without expectation of return in any way.


Yesterday I was thinking the whole day of new goals I could work on. My reason was that I wanted to be known for what I was, for my potential, ect. However, that just led to a sort of stress as it’s unatural for me to just decide to do things, without actually wanting them for more intrinsic reasons.

I’m realizing further today that I probably need to let go of trying to gain any sort of recognition, at least for it’s own sake. It’s just as it is for attracting women. You attract them best when you
are living your life for you,being healthy, having fun, ect, and not for them. So I’m brainstorming what can make me happy when you take away women and take away the ego.I mean, should still want respect for intrisnic value wether or not it is admiration. Also, if wanting to be awesome is an inspired want(like, wanting to be like some idol/superhero/ect), then I guess it’s worth striving for. However I feel like I did a lot of that when I was younger and so now I want something more. I want to do things that will improve my life in more interesting an useful ways.

Anyway, I feel one thing I’m doing right that I wasn’t before, is I’m allowing myself to watch tv when I feel the need. Another thing is I’m in school around people. Whether they admire me or not is not as important. Just that there is a social exchange is pretty good.

I guess this is going into a bunch of tangents but the main thing is I realize there are two things I want focus on:

Focus on helping others
Focus on helping myself(like having more fun)

Also that helping others things might be based on fun, like extroverted energy building when teaching someone something. I rarely care if I’m admired for it. Just when I’m in the mood I see someone doesn’t know something, and I feel this urge to make sure they know it.

I guess that’s my way(way).

Two main categories of (goal oreinted)fun that I seem to focus on intensly are:

1.Being Admired (ego based, therefore expecting recognition in return for achievment)

In stuff like video games, or actually any form of goal where the value is based on what value others have prpoduced before it seems fairly enjoyable but at the same time if I look back on childhood there was a hint of obsession that developed where I would coup up in my room trying to make a deck and it was at least partly about proving myself because if I could prove that I could kick ass with such and such a deck then I would be admired, and I guess win friends?

Even stuff like writing has this feeling like I want the recognition for what I’ve figured out and achieved. However, the reality is that people don’t need a lot of what I’m writing. Not just because everyone is different, but because other people can and should figure stuff out on their own. Also because there is a difference between teaching, and showing off what I’ve discovered, I feel this feeling of recognition is not the same as times where I am helping someone with something they need help
understanding. I guess it’s different.

2.Curiousity (Interest based, not expecting anything in return)
Learning about things is extremly fun for me. I feel though that what I enjoy learning about (just for the curiousity, not to solve a problem) might be focused on the realm of people and myself. Isn’t it interesting that I cared more about cellini’s story than Da vincis note book of inventions. Well for one, Cellini’s was a glorious and entertaining tale, but I feel I generally care more about people are than what they have to teach. Unless ofcourse, what they have to teach applies to a problem or interest of mine already.

Music, Art, Language, (film/movies/stories), etc

These are all about different perspectives on the world. I guess these are higher forms of education, because instead of learning about specific concepts, you learn how to conceptualize in general. I guess philosophy stems from that, but philosophy is actually a level beneath. The study of how people think/feel/what they are/ect is the highest level education one can get. Beyond that there is a level of learning above education, which is experience.

I also spend a lot of time solving problems, and you could say this is productive, but it is far from ideal. The ideal would be to not have those problems, and be able to focus on the fun. At the same time, that fun, at least the definition I just described for me, would involve learning things that should very applicable to solving problems.

Oh btw, competition can be about learning how people think as well, and in that cause it would go under the second form of fun.

I feel that in focusing on what people are etc (including myself)(and I guess other curiousity based interests) I will automatically have things to talk about that I can go on forever about, without the focus nessesarily being on me (except when someone recognizes my contributions and observations ect by chance ( could happen a lot but it wont be my main drive)). My main drive will be enlightening people about all the cool shit that is out there. Sharing in that cool shit.

It’s making more sense now. I will teach stuff that is so interesting to me, that I can’t keep from teaching it. When I take the focus off trying to be something, I allow myself to find what is actually interesting for me (even if it’s a tv show, or a culture, ect) and tell people about it, giving that true passion to them, without even trying. I may not end up doing this through writing, or through youtube, but however it happens, I just want to make sure I enjoy it for it’s own sake. I just need something that is truly fun, in my life.

Writing with the reader in mind to increase following and thus fulfillment + a motivational hack from language learning

The first idea, about increasing your reach, is about making sure as many people see you works as possible.

The inspiration for this idea is that feeling you get when you share an amazing insight you’ve stumbled upon with someone close to you, to find that that insight is not valued by them as much as you hoped. The problem is not that they don’t see the value in your insight. Everyone is different and so something useful to you may not be useful to someone close to you. Especially if they are like you in that they also come up with insights useful to them. This is not to say you shouldn’t share, you should share when you feel it’s important. What I’m getting at is that if you don’t have a large enough audience, you may touch the people you ough to be trying to touch, and you may always go feeling like you haven’t been living to you highest potential.

So my suggestion to you (as well as myself) is that you make a point of increasing your reach, not for the fame or fortune, but because with a wider net, you get truer feedback on just how valueable you information is and on how many people you can truly help. Which means you get more fulfillment regardless of the money, although that would surely follow.

Increasing range can be done in many way, commenting on other peoples blogs is a good one, but I want to suggest one that most people try to do already but maybe not with enough zeal and something some of us have never found the motivation to do yet.

My suggestion is to work on your craft a little every day.

What I mean by this is to form a habit of writing your thoughts, not just in a style of someone writing in a journal to themselves. (not to say don’t do this) I’m suggesting though that you write in a form, no matter how complex the ideas, that other people will be able to gain the most from. Do a little bit, (an hour or 30 min or even less, going through previous works and rewriting them (in a new blog even) in a way that is audience focused.

The secret to the motivation to make it a habit.

The motivation here is just as it is with language learning.
As long as you do something, everyday, you can continue to say you are learning such and such a language, and you are writing such and such a book. It’s when you haven’t been doing that thing, that you are failing to live up to that part of who you believe you can be.

Thank-you for reading, I hope you enjoyed. If you have anythoughts to add or questions, please feel free to comment below and I will respond asap!

Sociology: For someone(entp?) who loves strategic challenge and humanity

well it’s 1:30 once again and here I am with another idea: Also I’ll note for the record I jogged twice week. once for 20 min on Wednesday after weights, and Friday(yesterday) for 8min lol after weights (felt burnout approaching so I stopped)  .

The process of weeding out bad options:

I mean, this may just be the natural process my mind has to go through to get to the right path. Just like the process of quitting a bad habit takes many attempts for the mind to learn the difference in mood from doing it and not doing it, for it to feel rewarding to not do it. I think the same type of thing is happening with this job search. I am slowly narrowing down my options. I moved away from the idea of just working for money, it didn’t feel right on so many levels, like I would be neglecting myself and everyone else.

The process of weeding out beautiful-inspired options that are somehow missing something:

I’m kind of moving away from art and music as well because although I enjoy them they don’t draw me in as much as I feel a job/game should. I need something focused more on strategy in an empowering feeling way that makes me feel alive. I want whatever career/game I chose to go into, to feel awesome to the music I listen to. I mean, I want to be able to play Avril Lavign’s losing grip” while walking to my friends house and feel like I am someone important, someone who is making a difference. I want that more than money.


The process of using experiences that make me feel alive as a gauge for what I like:

MTG, SC, Smash Brose, these games with strategy draw me in. It’s the strategy, the decision making, that draws me it. This is not replicated in programming and math because in these areas it seems mostly about buildings something based on how other people have done it. I would rather work on things where I use my mind strategically to solve something where I have less to go on. That is why in the above named games I am hesitant to even follow the strategies available I would much rather create my own.

The process of weeding out options that fit the above model except they are missing the people element:

Also programming and math are lacking a people element and it doesn’t seem authentic for me to go into either when the reason I would be doing so would be souly based on how I feel it would help humanity for me to do so. Psychology is cool but it is in a way more removed from “people” as although there is research to go into since I’m not interested in counseling(although once I get this sorted out I’ll probably try life coaching on the side, or at least market my blog. I also still feel like that research would be pretty far removed from the world of people.

The process of hindsight for seeing what would have made my choice an obvious one:

After seeing the video by Daniel H. Pink, I feel more confident to explore the possibility of sociology. Now thinking about it, I am pretty sure it is no coincidence that the course in school I think I found most engaging so far has been sociology at Seneca, and next would be European Civilization at York which I feel is deeply centered around sociology.

The process of building up determination and confronting possible obstacles/roadblocks:

I have heard many things about sociology being not a worth while course and only people bad at math go into them. However, I see the other side of the coin, about how it is actually needed, and that someone like me could probably make a huge difference in that area.

So that is where I’m at now, not sure how I’ll feel in the morning. Iunno what I’m basing everything on is, can I study the subject on my own and still feel engaged. That is a test I’ve been trying because it seems if I can’t do that, then it’s usually because I’m not interested in it enough but just interested in the people who are interested in it. Also I have this fear that if I chose a career that is based on just helping people, then if people don’t want my help, (this is worse case senario) if they just say, we actually only want people who can make technical stuff, if you can’t do that then we don’t need you(in society). Or something like that or I just get sick of people (which would probably mean depression which I avoid). However, I feel my study of people is not limited to helping them, but it is also just about me understanding them and maybe well not exactly integrating, but maybe learning how to improve relationships. So I feel that kind of knowledge will never be a waste. Also, thinking positively I guess the better I understand people the better I can figure out things I can create and provide for them, within my range of interest.

The thoughts that come after 2am about a goal I’m not even sure I’m going to go with…

Also, as I think I’ve wrote before, I’m more interested in doing what I believe in than in doing what other people want to pay me for. I mean, if I think the world could benefit from ideas like MBTI and others that I can research on, I would rather that be my life’s work and no one want it, than spend my life working on something I think is pointless for me and for society, and be paid to do that shit. I mean, as long as some people care about me (since as I said before I am in this spiritual position because I have people who love me, otherwise I’m not sure if I would care enough about others to be so focused on them, well maybe as long as I kept healthy, maybe it’s just a natural part of me… guess it doesn’t matter tho). Iunno, this is worse case scenario stuff though, basically it’s like saying what if I had a masters in comp sci but no one wanted to hire me just because. However, at least this way I am focused on what I actually care about. Basically, it’s for all the marbles. If I get tossed in the waste bin, I will remember how I fought the good fight. Also I’ll not give up and just take it one day at a time with my positive goal in mind and with a winning attitude.

MBTI of the Chinese Language: Symbolism:Learning styles

I thought through a bunch of different ways of learning Chinese but I think I’ve settled on etymology because of which

shows the etymology very clearly and how words connect. Through this it is easy to see that Chinese is a language heavily based on symbolism which I think makes it such a rich written language as it contains a history within it’s pictures. As well this makes me wonder if maybe people should try to create another written language of symbols based on the present time. It would be easy to introduce to society if it was done slowly. In fact I think it is already being done especially in electronics with icons for settles universally being represented by a gear, ect. So it is interesting to see these symbols being born in a language specifically for technology, almost as if technology is becoming another level of abstraction.

Anyways, I realized what attracts me to Chinese more than any other language is that it uses symbols that can be understood and are based on something else which will automatically also be understood. I also feel that it is because of my personality type that loves making connections, that I feel so strongly about this language. So I have to hypotheses to make now.

1) That the Chinese writing system was invented by an Intuitive or rational or NP or something like that. Especially since it was started by a more shamanistic sect of Chinese which would most likely be Ns at least.
2) That this type may gravitate towards the language, or otherwise find benefit and growth from it more than most other types who don’t think in the same way.

So my plan for edutainment in learning Chinese now is to learn through etymology, which results in almost instantaneous understanding for me actually, and still not too many words per day, but something, and then review. Should only take 10 min in total, although at the same time it seems more would not be better because I would quickly find my motivation fade. Another thing is I should probably have fun things in Chinese so I might check out and maybe even produce some very short stories with pictures ect, to start of my learning.

So, what I am wondering, is if there are natural ways of developing for each type that people need to follow in order for their lives to be a constant stream of edutainment. Oh, and I could use the Hanzi to make drawings as if the symbols where actually picture components instead of just words. Then i could make scenes with the characters I learn that are based on that history. Or would it be easier to study ancient Chinese history like the very start of the writing and just get into it? Mostly I just want the language as painlessly as possible, for the love of it. Not the money actually because I know I’m money now, if I focus on things like this, like edutainment, in order to empower myself.

10 Characters, form a picture that uses them all in an understandable way
repeat until bored?

I say if I’m learning it because I want to know it, it’s fun, as long as I don’t set a schedule or a due date, AND I think as long as I can use everything I learn as I learn it, not needing to reach some critical max before I can have fun.

Now it seems we are creating a whole other economy based around edutainment. For example, I would love to have cool comics that are graded, but making my own just doesn’t seem like it would be the same. however, I might be motivated by the fact that if I make them, they will exist for others to use, and that I will get practice even if not enjoyable by making them, and other people may join in finally providing me something would enjoy.

Also I think sooner rather than later, I will be familiar enough with the radicals and components that I will be able to guess at the meanings of many other characters from them. At this point if not before, I will easily be able to start reading. In fact, maybe I should start reading, with a dictionary, from the start, and for each unknown, go through and use the etymology to understand the dual meanings of the words. That would kind of bridge the gap between learning and enjoying actually. Then it would be:

Open comic
Look up first character’s etymolgy, 2nd, 3rd, few more
then understand what the first picture in the comic means, and all those characters

Then I can decide, how much time do I want to spend reading a comic every day. I could spend very little time, but if I’m actually interested I guess and hope, it will be more about spacing out the fun.

hmm, the next thing I want to address social gamification and how much more enjoyable that often is for me. So do I really want to read comics, or am I doing it just to learn the language. What do I really want to do. Learn more about the culture? Iunno, I think I wanna do cool things with people, like play mtg, and therefore that is what I should be trying to do in Chinese. The exchange of ideas, through Chinese. Give and take.

Also, names are good. If I come up with ideas for cool characters or stories or ideas, I would want them to have cool names. Chinese would be great here because the characters that make up names have meanings behind them so I could use those add significance to my ideas. I could just come up with characters ect for fun, and then just title them based on Chinese characters that relate to them. Then since they would be based on etymology, there would be an instant absorption of those names.

I though of this because in MTG, one of the things that I like the most are the names. Even in English, the names have specific qualities. I just think that in Chinese there is a whole other level to that.

Ah, ok, I got it. sure I can learn something like 10 hanzi, but I need to retain it. Even a good movie isn’t full retained. To retain it there has to be rehearsal. In order to want to do the rehearsal it needs to be fun. In order for it to be fun it needs to either be social things, or, interesting things. Especially since hanzi are smaller concepts they are more easily forgotten especially when many are learned. This bad if they aren’t interesting. Good if they are, because if they are, rehearsal would basically mean being able to enjoy it again without being tired of it as fast. So basically what I think I should do is focus on learning and recording only interesting hanzi AND words, and then being able to review for enjoyment. Also, if it does become fun, there will be more of a motivation to not get tired of it by learning all at once. I will be naturally more conservative. So the only real work will be in collating the interesting Hanzi. So since this is work, that means I can provide other people with the fruits of this work as well, at least those who share my taste.




Are you fidgeting? Wait! What exactly are you doing? It could be your highest form of self expression!

So I was on reddit originally just checking out another redditors blogging experience post. I was lead to the small business and entrepreneur subreddits. Through thee I learned of a start-up called star stuff and the way the guy talked about how it raised over $35,000 in start up funds from kick starter and all the cool strategic ideas he thought about during the process, and  everyone commenting said they loved the product, it was inspiring. It inspired me to look at my financial goals a different way kind of. Like if I focused on making a product that many people, including me , loved, not necessarily that filled a need, but that they just loved, then it would be best I think. So I realized that brands are also like metaphors in that they represent a persons or peoples vision and their love for what they do and it represents the societies love for that product in that the product was supported. This is why a good brand can make a person release the hormone oxytocin in levels similar to what would be released when thinking about their child.

So what could I do to create such a brand. Also I wondered if I was traveling in the right direction as I was becoming more obsessed about making money. However the strategy involved in setting up such a business sounded like fun, just what product? A physical one might be best as it seems to generate more oxytocin which may be  philosophically a good thing, iunno. I like magic the gathering cards, the physical cards, and I know they are called cardboard crack fr a reason. what product would be right for me though.

So I went to bed but couldn’t sleep. So I thought more and the following in sequences is a god idea of my thought process.

Steve jobs with apple, focused on aesthetics and efficiency. Actually aesthetics is part of efficiency(see previous post)
Jobs the entp?
How about that n64 controller, that was something. the shape was so nice
what other shapes do I like
I often when just fiddling, find myself rearanging things to be ordered geometrically

I take pictures and focus on making things have some sort of order there too
My body, I work out to make my body more aesthetic
When I was in college designing a prinited circuit board I went into flow state
When I draw based on somethin already drawn, I go into flow state
When I was trying web design I went into flow state
The shape of women
The shapes of tae kwon do moves, the angles
The shapes I make when doing weird improve fight dances by my self
When fidgeting I am often really making geometric order out of random objects
I scored very well on a test of spacial intellegence
I like architecture, and chinese writing

So I think I just realized something about myself. I mean, yes I consider myself artistic, but I don’t often feel the urge to create something artsy in that it is expresses some facet of my imagination, or at least that isn’t usually the major role.
What I do have is almost an obsessive bubbling beneath the surface, drive for expressing myself geometrically.
I’m thinking maybe most people don’t try to highlight files on their desktop in such a way that the lines of the highlighting web are flush with the edges of the files facing outward. I guess if you don’t underrstand what I just described then probably no you don’t do this. I do this, it actually feels good when I do it, like it’s satisfying to me. I never paid any attention to that fact until now.

The thing is, I have always felt that this form of creativity was too easy to be valuable. When I designed my first printed circuit board, I was in a trance and the teacher pointed me out and everyone saw what I was doing and they were like “wow”. I was like, why is this cool, it’s so easy. You guys are on average doing better than me in most classes. The teacher even said if you like this their are jobs in this, but I was thinking I don’t want to be stuck doing just this when anyone could do it.

Now I realized, well I don’t think anyone could do that. Also I realize that it must be extremely important if if makes people happy to just look at it. It makes me happy as well. It’s an expression of love from me, and not in the way that it will make me happy when I’m done and it doesn’t have to be perfect just has to show the idea to others. No, with this it’s almost a compulsion and it does have to be perfect(meaning high efficiency, meaning love) and I go into flow state when I do it. Now that I realize this I realize this isn’t art I am after, it is design in that it is visual efficiency. So now that I realize this, my test might be to see how far this facet of myself can carry me. Will it be just another thing I do once in a blue moon, or will it be something I can do all the time in some form and if so, what form?

3d graphics modeling
web design
3d printing
PCB design
wood working

Btw I am also good with color, like for web design, color is good.
Iunno, should I just make some cool designed shirts like that other guy? Or should I run with this concept and try all the things that feed that drive.

I feel like geometry is an entp thing actually, and leonardo davinci was pretty huge on it. I wonder if my expressions of geometry will hold some latent truths about reality. That would be the best case scenario and would increase my believe that humans are naturally moving towards finding the things they have a drive to do and that it is evolution.

So I feel like maybe everyone has something like this that could be valuable but maybe they are not doing it because they don’t see the value in it. Not something where they like the idea of it, but something they just do out of compulsion almost. I felt the same way about drums also. It just seems so easy to me, and my music teacher told me I should give it a go but I said why would I do that, piano is more challenging and therefore it must be better. Ha! I don’t think that way anymore, especially when the world is ruled by people who have found things that are valuable to society and that they are the best at (meaning things that are easy for them, and not for most people)

I just realized, even when I eat, like I just had a piece of bread, and I eat it so that it always stays a square, because it just feels good to do so.

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