ENTPs Optimism and the Afterlife

I am wondering what the deal is with ENTP among rational types when it comes to religion. Maybe there is no strong correlation, but I have a feeling there is. I have a feeling that AT LEAST it is that we are less likely to be decisive about what we believe. More likely to be agnostic.

Anyways my main topic is how an ENTPs views of religion may change when they are under stress. I have really just myself as the anecdotal evidence of the idea I’m going to try and prove. The idea is that ENTPs being possible one of the most optimistic types when we are in a good mood, would ideally at least not be atheist. We would at least be closer to hoping there is something out there, than to thinking when we die nothing happens.

My situation as far as I can remember is that when I was at my highest so far, back in high -school, I was also at my most religious or most contemplating of religion. Or at least I was most optimistic about what happens after we die. I was pretty much 100% that we would go somewhere even cooler that where I was.

However I need to mention that religion can be a double edge sword depending on which one you chose. Christiantiy is a religion with as much negative ideas as positive as far as I recall (have not read the bible front to back or even close) There is heaven, and there is also hell, let’s leave it at that. SO when I became stressed, it wasn’t automatically that I would not believe in an after life. Instead I would think well maybe I wont end up in heaven, or maybe I will be punished, etc. Not to say the religion is the cause of my stress, just that as a framework it as elements that lend themselves well to being tied up in any anxiety I may already have.

Next, at what might have been my most stressed out I had kind of an existential crisis which lead to the Descartian skepticism which isn’t delusional at all, just not optimistic. This remained until now (years later) and I will probably always have it as one perspective of many. However, I feel that as I exercise more and  become more optimistic it is likely that at least my dominant views of the afterlife will become more hopeful and less skeptical.


Si and imaginative memory

I checked out some deviant art pics, and saw some really cool fractal art and I tried imagining I was in the picture and realized, like when I was a kid, I can still do this to some degree. The result is an actual feeling, a feeling of being present physically, in that space.

I thought about how fractals could be more Ne depending on how novel the specific fractal was, but maybe the feelings of color, space, structure etc could be Si?

Well, I definitely want to pay more attention to both my imagination, and the imaginations of others. So the periods of relief from boredom maybe should have lot’s of music and art as their focus. (if I do a hermetic process of periods of boredom and then fun)

Being able to go into a picture like that, and enjoy it so deeply. It makes me wonder if maybe that is what people should be learning how to do more of, instead of trying to create the physical products. I just wonder, what would the results be, of focused imagining.

Another thing is that power of psychadelics as I hear it described seems to remind of of things that improve Si. Hallucinations, emotional centering, reduced depression that last well after the drug is taken, for example.

Also in terms of building an ISTJ like memory power, if even possible, being able to put oneself into the scene of a mnemonic story or image, meaning see the scene as if you are there, is probably the thing needed.

This allows a few things I can think of.

1. It means you get to immerse in something that is (hopefully) exciting and intriguing so that you are gaining experiences that you could not have without this imagining. Ne

2. Since you are sensing the scene, from inside your mind, I guess this means you are using Si? So is this kind of like a Ne-Si connection. Also is it like a substitute for dreaming.

Motivation Strategies

One of the most important is simply being sure of what you want to accomplish, and sure of what you are willing to sacrifice (namingly, the distractions, things that feel good short term but really hold you back from fulfilment).

For instance, be sure you want to head in a general direction of making a living through whatever means you’ve chosen, AND have learned that video games are no longer fulfilling and so worth sacrificing. Just an example.

Also what I learned recently, is to look at what I need to feel fulfilled, critically. I mean, I was reading this blog were a lady pointed out all the passionate artists including herself who DID somepoint end up nearing the starving artist senario. She then decided she shouldn’t love her passions more than they loved her back, meaning if they can’t provide her basic needs…I guess this is obvious, but going in it probably wasn’t.

I just realize though that for me passions are there but making a living off of them isn’t really a necessity. That would be like trying to use a hammer to solve every problem. I am focusing on web development front end because not only is this an in demand job, but the skills for it can be used to support my passions as well. For instance, blogging, photography, music, etc.

Next, and this lady I was talking about before mentions this too, that in finding something that can support you, you may find in it/through it, something you love, but just couldn’t see until you did it. I have a variation on this which is that sometimes it helps to start with the title page, or the design and appearance of something, because it can then motivate you to build it out further into something real. Like, once I build the front of a website, if it’s really beautiful I think, “if only it was a functioning site…”, and this is motivation to turn it into one. Steve Jobs started with this process for Apple as well, creating the appearance of the device first, and fitting all the functionality into it.

This might not work for everyone , but for me since I have a large appreciation for beauty, this is a huge motivator for me.

The next huge motivator for me, is music, another form of beauty. I am realizing that a lot of that vibe I got from video games and anime and movies that made me want to be in that world, was the music. The music adds a lot of meaning to the experience, a lot of emotion.

I feel like I’m at the point where I only want to do things that further me towards my goals. Although I still like to check out the odd anime. So it’s like, all that is missing is that the pursuit of my goals not leave me feeling empty. Music helps greatly with this, as does working on things that will be aesthetically pleasing.

Not sure how I came to view web dev as a good option actually lol, I guess I’ve been considering it for a long time though. Out of all the options, I guess web dev seems like the one that’s most likely to work out in the near future, which is I guess important for me as I’m in adult hood and still at home. Also it’s a skill that runs paralell with my personal goals in many ways. It’s actually the only thing keeping me from acting on many of my other goals, as if I could just create communities around my interests I’d be able to do a lot.

I’m just trying to figure out why this is such a good solution for me. I’m sure it won’t be the answer for everyone so I’m taking a birds eye view on what is bringing me to this decision. I guess it’s just that though, that it’s inline with my personal goals, including my long term goal for personal freedom to work how I please and on what I please.

I still plan to attend school for psych/phil because I like school. However, I am expecting my job to be in web dev well before anything comes out of my traditional education.

It’s interesting that this goal and how it would be a skill I might want to learn on my own anyway, is not one that is strictly a passion. It’s like a support for a passion. It seems a lot of artists etc focus only on their skills as artists. The ones who do are I guess specialists and if that is the case them most likely they are devoted enough and will get where they want.

I on the other hand I guess I’m more of a generalists. I dabble in lot’s of things, although I do feel I have some areas where I am doing extremely well. It’s more like, I WANT to be able to do everything, and so this kind of includes the things that I’m not passionate about in an artistic way, but appreciate for their value. So maybe that type of characteristic is what would lead someone to find jobs that build skills that support their passions without strictly being their passions. Hm! lol.

Productivity: Complete it in a Day”

Summary: For certain long term goals, especially learning, create relevant projects that you can complete in a day, and then every day create and complete one of those, eventually forming a collection of completed projects that are the equivalent of that goal, in scope.

Link: This concept comes partly from : http://blog.programmersmotivation.com/2014/06/19/beginner-programmer-want-learn-programming-start-build-crap/

I just notice that as a motivational tool it applies to any job. It’s that as long as you start and complete something (I say the same day but just sooner rather than later) you will reap the reward of having something you have produced. By this I mean, you will have done something REWARDING.

For instance, think about video games with levels short enough they can be COMPLETED in one sitting. Enemies are defeated (completion). Items are discovered and COLLECTED. ( Being able to collect something seems to be motivated as well. I wonder if this is because as you collect more things you gain more reference to which of those things are better/worse. Is there a relationship also between collecting and personal history maintenance or something?

When you lift weights, you COMPLETE sets. I could go on about all the things where you achieve a form of completion within the same day and how you remain motivated to start of the same task again. As well, I could also probably find many things where if you don’t complete said task, it has a negative psychological if not psychosomatic effect. Failing reps in a set of weight lifting for example. Task based work is far more addictive than long haul things or leaving things incomplete.

I notice my music making productivity has increased a lot ever since I decided that when I make a song I’ll just do it the same day, same sitting, etc, unless inspired otherwise. Also that I’ll see it as exploration rather than trying to make it as good as possible, although I’m exploring what sounds good of course.

I wonder if I could apply this concept to all the goals I have. Just try to make and complete a thing related to my goal. I mean, when it comes to goals that would take a long time to complete otherwise. I instead set up a new standard of achievement for myself by first choosing completable versions of that longer goal. This is important, it’s not mini-goals. It’s full on finished products. Just that I stick with products that can be achievable in one sitting, or two, and that are versions or related enough to the long term goal that eventually they could make up that longer term goal.

For example, instead of a game with 100 different elements. Create 100 games, each with one of those elements. I mean, you can do more if you actually want to. I also imagine it being helpful and more fun, to slowly increase the difficulty of the tasks, but not like, first task takes 1 day, second task takes 10 days. I mean, 1 min increase/day on average, or just being able to do more in the same amount of time because you know more. Keeping it really easy.

Another way to do this is just set a minimum of completing a daily task in one of the areas you want to focus on, and let the other areas be bonus. This way if you really feel like working longer on the first task like if you get a jolt of creativity or are just bored and want to keep things interesting, and you go overtime it’s cool. Iunno about this yet tho.

My inspiration for this is seeing some really productive people out there and wanting that for myself, but also wanting it to be fun or at least be able to keep my motivation. Doing things in this task based way I think has the potential even to become a form of adventure. I mean, I would be doing something different every day for sure, and I would be finishing everything I start. I would be able to look back on what I’ve done before. Watch the collection grow.

If I were to do this, it would help to not allow myself time to do as much random entertainment, which is fine because I guess I’ve already been not doing random entertainment. I have a concept of how good it would feel to be doing awesome things all the time, and I want that, so I guess that is helping me reach this point of figuring out how to make that lifestyle work for me. I would also incorporate school into this.

Indie game lifestyle

I took b6 200mg and a large capsule of omega 3, I feel so good approximately 3 hrs later even though technically I am coming down with something.

Here are my thoughts after a lot of thinking. Point form baby…only till it’s not…

If I were to focus on sex, I would say I should make money to get my own place to have sex in all the time.

If I wanted money I would have to find the things I’m good at or that will most efficiently get me that money.

For me I am best at the things I enjoy.

I realize then that these things would be things like artsy musicky stuff, and ideas and philosophical stuff.

Beyond that, just being around people who like to think about interesting things get’s me fired up and passionate.

Like a muse.

Many people in interesting yet technical areas (the areas where it’s easiest to make money it seems), are cool with working alone.

I feel one of my strengths is being able to work with other people and add ideas etc, to whatever the project, I kind of mold to fit, as long as it’s interesting.

Well, society, as far as the image I’ve been getting, in most technical industries, does not prize this thing that I’m so good at. How could they, if they are the leaders, if they call the shots. How could they want someone who is the shot-caller as far as ideas is concered.

So it could be that the thing I need to focus on producing is a way to get to share my ideas with the people I like doing so with, without all this red tape.

So how would I go about doing that?

Well, I’m willing to work for free, just to meet those people, assuming it will be fun enough.

I’m willing because I’m willing to but the idea of money and sex on the back burner for how ever long it takes to get this part of my life sorted out, to the point where people do appreciate what I have to offer.

Basically I will be selling myself.

SO what area would I work in exactly, where I meet these people, and do these primarily sexless activities, u don’t ask?
(or maybe you do….hm)

Well, it would be in areas I enjoy working in and with people I like.

Now I’ve thought long and hard about so many areas I enjoy, music, art, acting,stories,poetry,film,philosophy…
These are all well and good, I will come back to why they are not enough in a second.

Some how I ended up shifting my focus to what technical stuff I could possibly do by myself. I realized though that even if there were such a thing, it would probably not be something we have now. What I mean is, as a kid, breaking open a computer to see how it worked would have been magical. Now though, I would need something bigger. So big, that no one can offer it too me. However, if you think about it, through my own thinking, I offer it to myself, and hopefully, to some of you.

Back to the many other areas I enjoy. I left one out intentionally, one that came to me as I shat. As I shat, or maybe I was already finished I can’t remember it was a blur, I thought of something fun I could do. I could make a youtube video of me reading a book in the dark with a light. Just have a flash light going over the words. It would be like if we were kids and didn’t want our parents to know we were still up, but I could also have cool resident evil music playing with it

Then I said, what if I made it a gameboy color playing pokemon yellow, and at intervals, you hear footsteps like my parent was coming so I had to turn off the light and turn down the volume, etc.

Then I realized, I was making a game. Games seem to be able to incorporate most other fun things somehow which is very interesting. It almost makes games a higher order form of entertainment.

Not only that, but I feel like what we are all searching for in life, or at least me, is more fun things. I want my job to be a fun thing. Well, in focusing on ways to make my life fun, focusing on my health so I’m happier, etc, I have been in effect gamifying my life. However, un-like most people who can just go out and that is fun, for me, I have kind of bee expecting to find a way of making my whole life feel like a game.

I must admit, the biggest thing in that regard I think is health. If u are super healthy, just below euphoric, all the shit about what to do with your life, stops being so frustrating and becomes something fun to work towards. Like a game.

So this makes me think that if I have been trying to make my whole life a game already, I should be able to create games on levels below that, and enjoy those. In effect turning my life into a bunch of mini games that I make and subsequently play or at least share with others to play. Mean while all this will be going on with the overarching theme of a big game, as long as I remember that health is important, as well as the way we look at life.

I will want to work with other people as soon as possible. However, especially because I need to test my level of commitment to this path, it might be cool to try making original game concepts on my own, maybe just sharing them though so I don’t become anti-social.

I wouldn’t just be making games that are for the computer though, although there are some I think would be cool. I really would love it if I could make games that are played in the real world somehow.

Also it’s interesting that the most likes I have for anything on youtube is not based on any of my over 100 videos, but it is…well there is one comment about going to another country that somehow got lot’s of attention, but which didn’t happen. Then there is a comment where I share my idea for adding a game feature to youtube. This comment still has replies coming, 8 months later.

I also find it interesting because the human drive for pleasure may be the greatest of all, iunno, and gaming seems to be the biggest source of it for many people, but it needs some fresh perspective.

Post-Capitalism: Intrinsic Motivation: Finding mine in school

I had this theory that the universe was based on randomness and duplication. If this were true it would make sense that the two things that would help me thrive would be the motivation for sex(duplication) and for awe(unpredictable?) Still the the idea that it is a “competition” between those two drives doesn’t seem that efficient. However, it feels like what they guy from personality junkie said about NPs is sound in that a lot of the ideas I come across seem almost by accident like it is the universal impulse.

Now, I could just try to focus on reading the text books and doing the homework for the possible ideas I will stumble on and the connections I happen to make. I am working to motivate myself from within an educational system that is not built specifically for me so I have to figure out how to work it. Or maybe the system is fine, and it’s just like jogging where I have to get used to it.

The other possibility is that the universe is made up of not randomness but a system. This makes sense in that the big bang would be a cause, and the rest would be the effect. So if we rewound this to the start and initiated the same bang, we would get the same result. So it isn’t random is it?

It makes more sense that the human then is a system with an urge for duplication
among other elements of it’s system.

My question was, does it make sense for me to have a specific goal, or is it
better to just focus on learning more. Goals are what brought me here in the
first place. Maybe “here” is the goal.

I’ve thought about this before actually. It’s good to have goals that come
to you, but trying to seek out goals to have seems like not the best idea.
It seems unessesary.

Also, why do I get so much more motivation in class where as at home I don’t
just sit around reading the text book. Well, it could be that exchanging ideas
with other people, exressing my ideas, IS a goal for me. If this were the case
it would be good as the more the ideas flow the more can be done for society.
Also my motivation for studying outside of class would be to be ahead so I can
keep up with the conversation and say my peice.

I guess also I could go online and start a blog and try to get other people to
read it etc but that might be too much work for too little reward. Iunno.
It would be a fun side project though, at least in the fun classes. Also yes,
some classes are more fun and rewarding than others. That is part of my problem
right now. I’m talking a lot of classes that just don’t engage me enough,
and don’t generate enough ideas. There is no sense trying to argue that these
classes are actually good for me and that I need to adapt somehow. They are just
not efficient uses of my time.

Or, maybe it depends how I look at the classes. I mean, given the choice I might
not want to have to take states/research/ling, but I migh be able to make them
fun if I:
1. Look at the concepts from different angles, like trying to get deeper into them and
2. Bring out questions based on 1. in class.

So the motivation for doing them is still because have to do them instead of something
more intriguing. However, I can get a lot of fun out of it by doing steps 1. and 2.

If I only did step 1. I would have less motivation to read ahead because I wouldn’t
have a way of contributig based on that extra work.
If I only did 2. well in many cases that is what I have now. I mostly just do 2. and
it works out ok but not great.

I feel like there are a lot of external motivations that could come into play
in education. However I feel that a motivation that will be lasting and enjoyable
it needs to come from within.

So, just like lifting heavy things and running fast because it feels good, I would
rather focus on learning for the sake of learning. I feel like sometimes I become out
of touch with the enjoyment of learning for that sake. However, this could easily
be more about metabolic factors than anything else. When I discover/create a new idea
that is truely awesome, it is empowering and rewarding. The only time it’s…
(not that I should never focus on what I don’t have, I am not sure, maybe, but
not sure) It seems like learning about sexuality has helped with my understanding of
the world. Although a lot of the big stuff like mbti was learned more for the sake of
finding intrinsic motivation and just plain fun.

When I’m not focused on what I don’t have btw, then there is no underlying goal for my
learning. I just learn because I want to know. Knowing, experiencing, is living.

It’s intrinsic. When people learn to focus in on the intrinsics, there will be
no more “work”. For instance, I’m going to work today not for the money. 34$ or something
for 4 hours of physical labor. I mean yeah it adds up, but I am more there for the
relationships and the physical activity.

People were getting slaves to do their work for them, because they couldn’t see that
the work was actually good for them.

So in order to get to this state where you are only focused on the intrinsic rewards,
I think it has a lot to do with dopamine. It’s like when you let go of all the things
that might be fun to have the dopamine receptors increase. Like, if you were to just
let yourself be bored. Then you would start day dreaming and being creative. I feel like
the getting creative part is what happens when the receptors finally start up regulating.

So if you could upregulate them earlier, through exercise etc, then you would find it
easier to let go of other shit, the extrinsic stuff, and just get motivated.

I feel like this is a big thing. I feel like here the ability of a human to self-acualize
could be improved by things like increase dopamine receptors. So in this sense, it seems
what people need is to be healthy mentally. I mean, understanding the concepts of abundance
and self reliance are important too, but when it comes to actually enjoyin the intrinsic
rewards, dopamine is the reward, so you need to be able to produce and utilize it or you
will just be a couch potatoe monk.

You could see dopamine receptors and that kind of thing as an internal awareness of

what we need to be doing with our time. If we don’t keep it healthy, we start to lose touch

with that internal compass thing. Not that we don’t need to be rational if we have it,

just that it is a drive.

Inferior Si reaction to lack of inspiration

This first half is my inferior Si talking through my Ne:

“There should be something I can do that is more valuable to me than money,
and sex and other things that should be a given(family, doing good, ect).
Music is one, but that feels like only part of something.
One way to look at it is wonder and awe.
Like, what makes me feel alive?
To be alive is to be conciouse and the highest form of
consiousness for me seems to be in a state of awe, curiosity, ect.
Even admiration maybe, iunno.
I mean there are lot’s of things that are important to me and that I value.
I mean, even problem solving ability is something I value. I just feel like it
is already a give in that you solve problems to reach some greater state of being.

Much like I am doing now.

So I’m thinking maybe I could just assume I will always be solving problems
as long as I’m always trying to improve.

Improve in what areas though I wonder.

I think one good area would be in creating experiences.

I wonder if I want to create real live experiences for myself
or if I want to focus on maybe something like story writing. ”

Some of that might have value, but not in the tired state I was hoping to use it in.
Now comes the realization:

maybe my tiredness is pushing me into one of those Si spirals

Well I just realized once again, that adventures(in real life)
are not planned. They just happen. So if there is nothing I urgently
want to venture out to do. I guess I could focus on creating some beautiful
things. Fencing could be good to. Also if I focused on finding more
interesting people to surround myself with, maybe the adventures will just
come out of this.

So I can focus on creating my own awe, and or finding it in other people.

hmmm, yup I feel that now the disatisfaction and thinking I need to
have a more defined focus is based on inferior Si wanting too much

My life will be an adventure as long as I focus on doing things as I find
interest in them. Maybe no need to push myself. As long as I remain healthy
I’ll be happy to go with the flow a bit more and just blog and vlog about
the adventures as they unfold.

Also could be that I’m trying to do a bunch of stuff just to say I do those
things when really I just want to do music… and the other things I already

When I’m in a more positive mood, I don’t do as much trying to be something.

I just get inspiration to do things cause they seem like cool ideas.
Then I just do them.

WIth lack of sleep, I don’t get those inspirations. So maybe Si is realizing
I have no inspired direction where I should have a constant sort of stream of
inspiration. So it says, wait, you don’t have any goals, any interests?
What about your future? Better thing about that man. No time for sleep,
you don’t have a future…

So Si starts telling my Ne to search fot things I might be able to be inpired
by when the truth is the inspiration and many of the ideas come from inside
and there is no need to force them. It’s just that I’m tired.

I was thinking, I wonder if maybe humans are striving for a point where they
can just relax. What would happen in that case. I realized when I’m most
relax that is when the best ideas come (unless my mind is just blank which
takes effort mostly).

So as well as letting people find me, I think I need to just let inspiration
find me more. I assume that is how I recently got back into music, iunno.

So I will stop trying to become something, or find a goal for material for
youtube, and just let the inspiration and therefore adventure, come to
me in whatever form it does.

Of course if my inspiration tells me to search for something fun to do, that’s
different that my inferior Si telling me to do it.

I feel like this Si spiral is only made possible by modern technology especially internet ect. Without that distract and information at my finger tips I feel I’d be more ok with just going to bed and letting it go until the next day. Well anyways…bed time!

Transition into Art for psychosomatic heath, letting the profound happen on it’s own

I wonder if as a society, and as a race, we are moving towards beauty as being of primary importance. It would make sense if this were the case because, well beauty impacts humanity in many ways. Psychologically, psycho-somaticly, even intellectually and philosophically as beauty carries elements of mathematics and philosophy  both by extension of math and for the epistemological analysis of the function beauty might serve. Iunno, I guess not everyone will really appreciate beauty to the same extent, however, I feel it is one thing that has guided me throughout my life.

I am thinking about this because well, last post I kind of built up argument for focusing on research and idea generation. Also the idea of the focus split between empowerment and exploration. In this post I am thinking that beauty is also a huge factor to focus on. Also I will note now that although I love discovery, I find I am not as motivated to do the searches that lead towards the discovery, or at least, those searches must be efficient, not like, reading half way through a book to decide I don’t like it. Anyways, I feel that what ever I decide to focus on as a daily thing for the joy of it, I should focus on it for intrinsic reasons. empowerment doesn’t really have intrinsic reasons. While it is important, it’s we focus on as needed, not as an end to itself. So I don’t think it makes sense to consciously focus on it, I would have no direction.

Focusing on beauty and exploration however, would be to empower myself to find/create more of those things. So what I’m getting at is that empowerment for it’s own sake is useless. This is why even if you could shoot fireballs out of your wrists, if you had no need to, that source of power would be basically useless beyond a party trick. So I do focus on empowerment, but mostly in that I don’t accept dis-empowerment.

See I have been very attracted to games with beautiful scenery and characters, but for the most part, as far as inspiring characters go, they would have to be both beautiful and powerful. I wouldn’t feel comfortable playing a character who was not taking control of their own destiny. In video games this wouldn’t manifest as a desire to play the character of a hard working man, it would be someone who shoots fireballs out of their hands. This is because the carl jung archetype of hero, which I was trying to live through, fought physical battles. Man or woman didn’t matter as much when it came to playing with the character or watching a movie based on them. All that mattered was beauty and physical prowess, and more so, enough to be the ultimate hope of humanity even. That’s the archetype I think.

However, the more I grew the more I learned about different situations a person may find themselves in beyond the physical challenges. After many years I realize physical challenges are rarely the problem, but that the problem is more broad and more about mind-set. Do you fancy yourself a bad-ass, or a wimp? Can you do anything, or nothing? So focused on positive psychology for the time I was still developing and becoming my idea self at the time. Also I guess my mbti type naturally has a positive can-do attitude but we just realize it’s importance and work on it even more when needed. For me, it’s partly about pride, and self-respect, I need to come to the conclusion that I can do anything, in order to feel best about myself. That I can either do anything, or at least still be happy with myself, respect myself for taking responsibility for myself either way, and therefore see myself as an amazing and inspiring person, even if I fail at some things.

So beyond that which I feel is at a good level for now, I just want to have not simply hobbies, but things that light me up inside, which therefore I am empowered for being able to do. I feel like what kind of discouraged me from art was the idea of the starving artist. It just does not seem too empowering. My earlier solution(many years earlier) was to get a good job and then pay people to make the art. Now though, my solution is for me, art is empowering. If I make art it should be because it’s making my life better than anything else would, not because I just can’t do anything else, or what other reasons are there, therapy, like a persona with emotional problems or a drug addiction needs to paint to get it out. That to me is like, they are victims in their own lives and art is their only escape or something. That’s not my bag, that’s not very inspiring to me, no disrespect for them. For me, I want to make art because it makes me feel even more awesome than I already do which is pretty fucking awesome.

I just feel like an artist who spends most of their time unhappy and just expecting art to solve it, is doing something majorly wrong. Art is not a cure-all thing. I just have this image of a lot of irresponsible artists and that’s like, what people are being shown as what it means to be an artist. Like, if it weren’t for people enjoying their work and paying for it they would be miserable and just accept it. That makes me not want to be an artist because it conflicts with my core value of self-empowerment. It makes me think art can’t be empowering, but at the same time the things I gravitate towards and feel power from the most are mostly artistic. Basically I feel that if I found the right thing to do, working a shitty job wouldn’t feel shitty at all, just like level grinding in wow doesn’t feel as shitty when you are in such a beautiful world in the first place. If I had beautiful things on my mind to think about and get home to, my life would feel more vibrant.

However, do I want to focus on creating something like drawings or music ect? I mean that stuff is good but it often seems like I get almost as much enjoyment from just finding other peoples stuff. However if I do things like film, like music videos, where I am combining stuff other people made, together to express more complex ideas, I find that more valuable in a way. It’s like hacking. Like innovation instead of invention. Putting cool things together to create other cool things. This way what I am doing is enjoyable the whole time because I’m already playing around with something I enjoy, not making something out of nothing. The other idea is film instead of novels because I often see my ideas more than feel them. It’s often more analytical and less about expressing emotion (although I do feel and have emotion to express, even then I feel I find the strongest emotion in the visual and audio content expressing the idea. Although I don’t know, I guess I do have a way with words, I think it’s more about what comes more natural when I am trying to create something. I create things in pictures first, then I can describe them.

Anyways, the thing is, although I love art and beauty, I’m wondering if my focus should be on the nuts and bolts of beauty or on the level of ideas. With AMVs I have the chance to focus more on beautiful ideas where as if I were to focus on just art it would be, well it would be a grind, but also it would limit what I could achieve. I also just realized I could do even more if I got other people to join me in creating something, but that’s another story. Well actually, that would be the same as if I were to do mash ups for music and for other art instead of trying to create everything myself, some of it would be my original ideas, but most could be taken from other inspirations. All the most beautiful features I can find, put together in a way that works.

Also part of my interest in beauty is as it pertains to my own physical appearance as I feel that has a huge impact on other people and it’s really cool how it works. Beautiful language, beautiful fitness, hair, clothes, beautiful way of moving, ect. Then there are beautiful personalities which would include mental efficiency and knowledge ect. I guess all of this stuff would relate to stories and film. Film though also allows for beautiful ideas about what events could happen. Then there is also interior design which I find cool as well. It’s something that actually has a large psychosomatic affect on the individual. It’s something that if I had the money I would make my room look awesome because I want to, and then I could show other people it.

So maybe there is a separation, beauty for psychosomatic purpose, and beauty for emotional-intellectual purpose. Of course movies could combine all of these and more, I just want to note it because one may be more motivating for me.

On my way to the gym I realized that the same way empowerment comes naturally and doesn’t need to be focused on for it’s own sake, I feel the same is true for creating curious things. The universe already creates things that I can explore and find curious. These things come to me, I don’t need to create them, and may not even need to seek them out, not for they’re own sake anyway. It seems they come to me as I search for other things and just go about my life. I just catch on to things as my mind picks up on them.

For example, now I am thinking I should focus my artistic ability on feng shui type things. Psycho-somatic health based art I might call it, iunno. Not to limit myself to feng shui, or even to visual art, just that I feel focusing on what feels good is maybe more important than trying to create so kind of super exciting thing. It’s like, maybe I need to sit back a bit and let the universe do it’s part. I mean, when I create things without trying to make the masterpeice, not only does it give me more motivation to actually create something, but this means more chances that what I create will end up being really cool, without it being cool because I set out to make something cool.

I mean, I almost would rather that. I enjoy it when I surprise myself. It’s more entertaining than if I set out to create something surprising because how can you surprise yourself if that was your goal in the first place. That makes it demotivating, or at least not as fun as if I surprised myself which has happened quite a bit since this blog began. Also if I did something just for the sake of that makes me feel good, I’m thinking it would be a hobby therefore, or something meaningful iunno. Btw this gives even more credit to personalityjunkie who said NPs who write usually do so in a more free flow way and it’s like the universal impulse speaks through them. That’s interesting.

So for example, I decided to read up on zen as apparently steve jobs, another entp, was into the physical side of zen and I can understand why. Then I decided I’ll check out fung shui instead of focusing on just doing what other entps are doing. Then I read that carl jung studied fung shui lol. So I realized, I guess I’m on the right track? Then I remembered my friend msg me today saying he was glad I told him 8 reps was the magic number, because it let him know he was on the right track in the gym cause he just decided to try it.

So what I’m thinking is that just like exercise is like a battery for my mind and it very important to my health, and I realized even simple things like a hot shower make a difference,  maybe that extends to design as well, and maybe if I gained skill in design for areas of my life, if it didn’t translate into a job, it would at least be something that would improve my life by a lot, making it worth the time investment. Also I’d be not as bored, although I still want to do fun things just for fun, with friends.

I feel like a lot of man made things that seem mystical, were not created to be that way, they just are that way because life is that way. Man just made it to promote it’s life. I guess that’s what I should focus on, promoting my life, including the things that make me feel good but with the exceptions of the  the revolutionary or profound things and hoping that maybe those will happen on there own as they often do, and then writing about them here as I do everything else.

It’s almost like setting out to do something remarkable is biting of more than one can chew but that it is something that does add up over time, to become something profound, even though that may not have been the aim. I feel like I do enjoy the awe inspiring things, but that to base my life on that would be inauthentic in that there are just many other things to enjoy. The awe inspiring things will happen on their own and that is half of what is awe inspiring about them.

I just realized that if improving the physical environment is good for psychsomatic health, that may party explain the urge people or at least men, have to be physically dominant in some way, through strength or martial arts or iunno. Or maybe it’s more of an instinctual thing. Or maybe it’s both.

Also I realized that although reading about entp artists I read most gravitate towards music than visual arts. I thought oh no maybe my best bet is to pick up an instrument. No though, I realize, not that I will just follow what my type says, but I already sing. I sing because it feels good, although I do hope one day other people can hear me sing, I will sing regardless because it’s goof for me.

I will end this post with an interesting thought. The crazy idea that maybe human self-consciousness ego ect, is only there so maybe we can learn exactly what we should be doing. Maybe if we new down o the second exactly what we should be doing, we would live our lives without conscious thought. For example, people when driving often just zone out until they reach their destination. Another example would be the “flow state”. However these can’t last because eventually some thing happens like we ge hungry, or we need to do something else, something we haven’t predicted so it doesn’t enter into our work flow. If everything was a part of our work flow, it might be that we would stay in flow state and humans would cease to be conscious in the way we are now, and instead be more like machines, and consciousness would be a separate thing that exists as the observer only. I don’t know, I guess I don’t see this happening because who wants to have everything planned out, and also we need to socialize and I don’t think that is a flow state thing.

Politics of the Passionate

 Wow, I thought I was finished but I’m not. Making a living is about people supporting you, because they support what you bring to the table. So either you believe in what you want to bring to the table, either fitness, or psychology, or whatever,  or you let other people decide what is important to you. It’s a lot like the SJ(not to say it’s only SJs or all SJs who are the issue) I had to deal with a few days ago. Do I decide to just follow the orders of the outspoken, in fear that I might be ostracized for being myself, or do I fight for what I feel is every persons right, the right to not be disturbed by someone who I feel really doesn’t give a shit about me or most people, and is content to just take what they want in life. Then do I keep silent, or do I make sure I am at all times being authentic with my views, especially my views on what I feel is important in life, authentic in what I feel is my gift to humanity, what I feel I should be supported to do.

So now I’m thinking(also based on something from personalityjunkie, that I need to be a bit more courageous when it comes to these things. I mean, I guess it’s easier to say now that I feel by following my functions in order will give me a strong productive direction in life, still, thinking about that SJ wakes me up even more because he was like a microcosm of everything I should be fighting against. Not to say it’s either me or him, just to say he thinks and he speaks for everyone in the cafe when he tells me I should do what he says, well I speak for me, and I say, I speak for everyone as well when I say I should not do what he says.  Who is right. I am pretty sure if it came down to a vote and we ignored who was more charismatic at the time it would not be unanimous. Some people would have thought I was being rude, some would have realized they wouldn’t like to have been approached that way either. Without my vote, the cafe becomes polarized in his direction. He spoke for everyone, so in a way he removed the freedom of everyone by there silence(although most were just not paying attention, I’m saying hypothetically) However, if I disagreed, I introduce a second view. Not that I want to win, just that I think I shouldn’t be forced to lose. That is what I believe in in those scenarios.

That is a microcosm of our society where in we have people wanting to work jobs that express what they think is the highest value they can offer others, and we have people working towards things mostly for themselves and who would rather the first people to just submit and work for them, and we have most people just in the middle undecided. As more people from the side of authentically working for others decide to go that route, there will be less people working for the side that works for themselves. As this happens, the undecided in the middle will also have to more further divide their support between the two sides. See, the people who work so they can share with others, really have nothing to lose because they are working for others, and inspired by what they can find, and give, they win by doing and by giving away based on their beliefs. They are therefore an unstoppable force if they decide they will all focus on giving. The ones that focus on taking, are the most unstable because they only win if they are gaining something for themselves. They win by doing and by taking. The undecided in the middle find solace in both sides. By receiving from the takers who give on the condition that they are supported in their taking, and by receiving from the givers who they are inspired to give back to if they are moved to believe in what they are receiving.

The takers make their choices fast. It’s not that they don’t have anything to offer, it’s just that they do it in a very yang way. They create order but it is order based on themselves. It is Machiavellian in that way. On the other hand the givers at this point in history in this society are being swayed more often by the takers BECAUSE most of the undecided are swayed by the takers BECAUSE the givers are still growing into their understanding of their place in the world and are not offering any alternate path. This is slowly changing as people now spend more on average on entertainment (and I’m guessing on soul searching as well) than ever. I believe it IS getting easier for people to follow what they believe in an make a difference and be supported. I just think it’s happening so slowly that the givers are getting scared that no one is going to catch them if they jump for it.

See it seems like for me having Fe as my tertiary function, I am more inclined to go with the flow of things(for the sake of social harmony), but then regret it later. However, that is only until I realize that doing so is actually worse for social harmony or at least for myself, than being authentic in my disagreement from the start. It seems all the NFs I know instead chose to go for what they believe in first, and only do what they have to in the mean time to support those wants. For me, as I said last post, I had been going based on Si, and also I think to a lesser and more big picture degree, Fe. Si for Moving towards stability by choosing the hard sciences and Fe by moving towards social harmony by aiming for a job with some company somewhere instead of striking out on my own, or maybe it’s Fe for deciding I need to make as much as the average person so I don’t feel like a loser, or Fe making money for future wife and family. So, it’s not that I should try to become an Fi user, although iunno how those work, maybe I am using it somehow.

What I need to do is go Ne for finding what is important to me, Ti (which I’ve been using to argue for why it’s important) for learning about it and developing and executing ideas, Fe for sharing those ideas with others, Si to stay healthy and if absolutely necessary do the most menial job in the mean time(which would depend on circumstances like how much money I need coming in to do what I want(the meaningful things I guess, + the fun, how many people do I need to support, ect) So if I am interested in starting a family then I’ll do what it takes to support one, but I’m not going to make that my priority when I’m not an Fe dominant. Nor will I go out searching for a girlfriend/wife, for the same reason. Nor will I do what some guy says for fear of being ostracized for standing up for what I believe in when I know I would not be happy with the alternative. That’s just compensating for an inflamed Si probably, even when it’s about loneliness, it’s the Si I think. Fe is about harmony outside the self, Si is about how you feel inside which would include extroversion needs and general well being needs of company. I guess sometimes I could fee pressured enough to use my Fe to please others for the sake of my Si, but that is moving backwards. The right way for me, is Ne seeing ideas that help people, Ti understanding how they work and implementing them for the sake of Fe’s desire for that harmony and Si feeling good about the chemical release that comes from making the world a better place.


Magic the Gathering vs Programming: Perceived value of learning material and it’s effect on motivation

Reduced perceived value by division

If you want to get someone interested in programming, one of the best ways to do that is to teach them the simplest program that runs and produces something useful. A good example is the “hello world” program. When people realize they have just made a program that communicates, it’s an empowering feeling. What is not an empowering feeling however, is to start off by teaching them about characters, ascii, bits, bytes, the compiler, ect. Not empowering because it doesn’t teach them anything actionable, that will feel valuable. My philosophy of this is that even if you know how important bits an bytes are, the mind is geared towards what is useful to it in the present. What is most useful, most valuable, most cutting edge. On the other hand if you try to teach them a full program for a game right off the bat, that will also be dis-empowering for two reasons, one is that it will take a long and frustrating time to learn something useful, and two I will explain it the next segment. Maybe we just have a natural sense of how long we should spend learning something, what is a suitable amount of time to spend to gain something valuable, what is efficient.

In Magic the Gathering, everything is an object. A card, with a few lines of text maximum that can do something. Cards like mana, and attackers and direct damage spells are like functions like hello world, and adding two numbers together. They are obvious value objects. When I was a kid, those were the cards I wanted when I started playing because to me, those felt easiest to start having fun with. I feel programing works the same way. Then you have cards that effect the other cards in play and you realize the value of those cards. At the same time, you are getting a feel for the whole game through these cards and realizing what is a good card, a bad card, what will and wont work. Eventually you will start thinking, I wish I could have a card that did this or that, then I would win, ect. That would be the development of motivation for a beginning programmer as well. So basically I feel like programming shouldn’t even be taught line by line. They should be taught function by function, object by simplistic object. Then slowing things should be combined together creatively and strategically to create new things. Then eventually the basic logic will sink in and the person will think, it would be cool if the function did this instead, only as it’s a program and not cards, they will be able to do that, and have the background to know what to do.

Reduced perceived value by summation

I realized when I try to follow tutorials, I feel inspired around the beginning when they show one thing, one function and how it works. I follow the instructions and create the same function and get it to work and I understand exactly how it works and it’s cool. How ever, as they try to teach further by building onto that same module, I find that understanding takes more and more effort as all these things are being introduced as part of the whole instead of shown in isolation first. Not only that, but seeing them as only parts of the whole, shows them in a light of being only useful as part of that whole, instead of as valuable as individual entities. Therefore, the more things are taught in this way, the less I will feel I am actually learning. For example, you learn how to print out hello world. Your first program amazing. Then you learn how to print hello world in a window based on inputted data, just for example. The detracts value from both of those ideas when they are introduced as one whole. It would have been better to introduce the idea of imputing data separately. The inputting co-ordinates separately, then showing a window, separately, ect then putting them all together.

In Magic the Gathering, we are not introduced to the game by someone handing us a deck. At least not as kids, at least not for me. For me, I saw a blue mana, and a few other cards and said wow wtf is that? What does that say? Tap for mana? What is mana? What does this thing do? If someone handed me a full deck, I’m thinking I would explore it card by card and try to play with maybe a few cards only, like I did at the beginning as I was only given like 5 or 6 cards by a friend. I study each card individually and then try to use two of them together to make something happen, then I get more cards and add them and try to explore and make more things happen. At the same time, kids would be telling me, this is a “good card”, this is a very good card, This card might seem like it sucks but you need it for this card, ect. So you realize all the cads have a kind of intrinsic value, instead of it being just one big deck. I feel that programming should be taught as separate functions. I mean,  feel each concept or function introduced should be introduced in isolation in it’s most basic usable form, so it’s value can be understood better and therefore learning it would be more motivating.

What I’m doing

So what I realized is that these tutorials for pygame were just going to far without enough introductions and so I decided not to completely scrape what I was working on, but to kind of take out anything besides the minimum viable product and then slowing work in more things. I feel like sometimes I get ahead of myself, trying to create something new without having enough background at it just makes me feel nauseous because I know deep down that I’m just wasting time. It just get’s to me because I feel like maybe all the smart programmers learned everything just by being smart lol, and that unless I try to emulate that and basically reinvent programming, I would be any good. I actually feel that’s one of the bad ideas I learned from my college professors, like if I don’t want to learn this way maybe I don’t like real programming and just want to copy. However, not only does that seem silly when I think about it but since it’s not fun at all for me to think about it, I might as well not go about learning that way. Sure these programming languages were developed by people over time, but that doesn’t mean beginners should feel obligated to do the same thing.

I am working with pygame creating plat formers and I’m going to have a look at most of the needed functions and concepts in isolation first, as created by someone else, and then work on putting them together to make something interesting. I mean, I might have to follow tutorials, but I’ll just take out every function they introduce and try it out in isolation first. Btw I feel like I find the physics engines in game programming to be interesting. Not sure why that is, I guess my Ne sees the possibilities for alternate physics realities and find it interesting. It gives me a sense of power as well, but maybe it’s the Ti can sense that something like a physics engine is empowering for me to grasp, even if without the financial potential, and it’s motivating. I mean, I like music, but you would think I would get more psyched up about creating a killer song and want to experiment with music all the time but it obviously doesn’t work that way. It doesn’t feel constructive enough for me and I feel that could be my Ti talking. So I feel like I have this need to do something constructive. I feel I have always had that, and remember my first time feeling basically euphoric over a k’nects set as a kid. I mean, I guess I could feel a similar feeling from running a business but why go through all that trouble when I don’t have to. I also wonder why I’m less interested in mechanical engineering and stuff like that but I’m guessing that stuff is less cutting edge and also harder to get into than programming. Even my university classes mostly psychology don’t feel very constructive to me and therefore not as much fun. I feel like maybe the reason why I feel bored is that I need something constructive but am finding so much discouragement from lack of social atmosphere in the areas I’d like to construct in, as well as discouraging teaching methods by teachers who don’t understand/remember what a beginner enjoys.



« Older entries

%d bloggers like this: