Don’t Grab Life By the Horns!/?

So I thought about structure and how there as a lot of things I could do that didn’t require thought meaning I could continue thinking while doing them and so I shouldn’t require so much motivation to do them. Even things like sleep, especially things like laundry, and even things like routine data entry aspects of blog posts etc.

Then I thought, well why do I need all this time to think and is this what my life is really going to be based on? Lately I have been realizing time has been passing while I continue thinking and planning. It feels in a way like I’m not enjoying my life. So I realized, maybe I don’t need to be making so many plans. Maybe I need to spend more time in the moment, and when I do make plans, maybe I should plan out when I will make those plans, so that for the most part I’m not doing this.

It seems like maybe I was using plans and possible goals, as almost like a drug. Fantasizing about who I could become, what I could do. I mean, having goals isn’t really wrong, it’s just that depending on them for happiness, especially when the goals is to find the best possible goal, it seems like there is a risk that I will end up never reaching that goal.

If this happens, then will mostly have wasted my time. However, my goal was also to live the best possible life, which is more achievable I think because it doesn’t depend on outside factors which are always changing. It’s just about I guess reacting to life, and just being. I think a lot of people are urging society to figure out what they want to do. To become fulfilled, to make a difference, to achieve. They stress these things that I guess you could sum up as “grab life by the horns!”.

Well I guess, if life for you is a bull, an animal you need to try your best to control.
However, there is a contrary idea, that what you can control is yourself. That self control, self mastery, leads to freedom. I feel like the whole pua/seduction mindset runs in paralell with the grab life by the horns mentality. Trying to control your environment and control other people.

I am starting to think these things will not be fulfilling for me. Now, this isn’t to say that I wont have goals. What I’m saying is that I will have goals, as a reaction to a want/need. I wont have goals as an end to themselves. I wont have goals just so I can say I’ve achieved goals. I wont have goals just so I can say I’m grabbing life by the horns. Also I feel like trying to find the best path, is like closing oneself off
to possibilities.

Oh, another thing. The way I though about it on the bus was that I had been
spending my life waiting for life to happen. Waiting to figure out how to live so I can do it, waiting until I can meet a nice girl lol, etc. I realized that there is so much of live I’ve been just not experiencing because I’ve been so busy waiting. I guess it would make sense if there was really something I needed to wait for. Well I guess it does make sense because I was waiting for the realization that I didn’t need to
keep waiting, that I was waiting for the arrival of something which is already there.

Although I guess I did expand my mind a lot these last few years, and if I hadn’t I don’t think I would be as happy with not waiting anymore. Anyways, so what I want to do now, is well, not so much stop thinking and live only in the present, but I guess just let go of some idealized future. My hypothesis is that once I stop trying to reach some ideal, I will be able to enjoy what is already infront of me, including the ideas as they come to me, but also just whatever life is.

Basically, not relying on goals for your happiness, allows you to be open to the wonder of the universe, and then that will make you happy. I mean, maybe this wont be the case for all mbti types, or even all types of entp, but for me this seems right. I feel like the time when I was happiest as a kid, although that happiness
was extremely vulnerable, was when I was just open to the universe. Another thing I realized though on the other end of the spectrum is that I don’t really need to be around the most flamboyantly interesting aspects of life to have enjoyment. Infact, there seems to be a point where too much “interesting things”(internet?), but that don’t need to any action, is almost a waste.

I so guess I want goals based on wonder, not on achievement…if that makes sense. Chinese for example, is based on wonder. I think my wonder is very people focused actually…I feel like the thing that holds me back from this wonder, is wanting to utilize it. The best way I guess to deal with this, might be to just only do things that are nessesary, and let the rest be based on when I’m inspired and when not inspired, I can simply be in the moment(which may bring inspiration but if not will atleast feel good).

Also for me, as a wonderer, I feel like my “productivity” is often in my ability to share what I’ve found with others. Otherwise, as has been the case with a lot of my thoughts, they are just in my head. I need to find other reasons to live than just goals. Goals end. See, if I can give up the idea of trying to become something, then  that whole pride thing will go with it, and then there will be nothing holding me back from being as people oriented as I want. See because even if people would say, “why don’t you have your own thing” I can say,
“I don’t need or want my own thing” or”you are my thing, get used to it”.


The Drive for Authenticity, for Being Human

So to summarize the last little bit there:

For the longest time I have been in search of a life full of meaning.
I thought it should be like an action packed movie or game.
As I grew older the urgency grew as I started to feel less and less human,
living in the same house of my providers, not being able to
provide for myself even, let alone do something meaningful.

Tonight I felt the cold winter wind on my face and hands, and I
retreated into the warmth of my parents house, only to realize I was
running away from the possibility of being truly authentic, which I would
be if I had no home to turn to, and had to fight for my survival, for any
shred of warmth, even against society.

I listened to the opening song of a show and realized not all music I love
urges me to live out the fantasies of some other person’s story.
So I realized there was an origional part of me, that music could go with.

I realized part of me would rather freeze to death than live in
an inauthentic and dependant way, but that going back out into the night
then, would be a waste, a step in the wrong direction. However, so would
moving towards a job in a feild that would just be making a living.

So I realized I would rather continue with school, and more philosophy
especially, and possibly end up in the cold at a later point, after having
tried to make a difference to the best of my abilities. If that happened, I
would accept it, and do my best, and it would be me, and I would be proud,
and turn my nose up at anyone or anything that didn’t see why I’ve won.

Rather that, than spend any amount of time trying to secure a job I don’t
believe I should be doing, to be supported by a society in which I would
not be living authentically.

So, I have a very strong need now, to make something of this path that I
have chosen. I need it, as if I were still outside trying to get in.

Intimacy and Connetion When Alone

Not much to say here. Today was an interesting day.
Now that I’m back home, well I was just on the computer surfing random youtube videos. Looking without any really aim, and lot feeling satisfied, just if anything numb and distracted. So I decided I would just turn the laptop away from me for a second and see how I felt. I felt tired. So I’m going to bed.

“bed time” is a very intersting state. Falling asleep either with other people
in the house or alone, seems to have a level of intimacy.

I’m not sure it this is just a conditioned feeling based on childhood
experiences, or if it that I may dream of other worlds. It could
also be just the way brainwaves change, or the fact that in sleep our
brains make connections.

“Making connections”. That is to say, the brain goes through an intimate

It is interesting to see how something like falling asleep alone
can feel intimate while something like being in a crowded bar
can feel lonely. I think I want to seek out intimate experiences as opposed
to loneliness. (btw even loneliness can become intimate once you can be
in the moment with it. Louis CK describes this in detail in a clip on youtube.
I think it’s about everyone is on their cellphones these days or something.
You might have to google.

It’s not just that I want to be alone, but I don’t want to be in a position
where I feel disconnected. Now I can kind of see why monks go off in
solitude somwehere. I mean I’m sure there are other reasons, but I always
thought it was to “escape”, and run away from their problems. Now I can
see that they might just do it because solitude is just what they want. It
is where they feel most connected. Although it still feels a bit extrem
like, if we are supposed to be social beings, why are some of us up in a
mountain alone iunno. Could be that we aren’t “supposed” to be anythign
other than happy. It could also be that those monks will stumble upon the right
people this way, or gain the right inspiration to share things with people,
instead of giving up their happiness.

So, I want to seek intimate experiences. The ones through sleep, the ones
through mindfulness, maybe through music although even here I feel like
when I make music I need to decide am I making this to show other people, or
for myself. For myself is far more intimate.
I could get into the habit of making songs and then just deleting them
right after so no one get’s to see. lol, that would force me to just enjoy
them. However, then I wouldn’t get to save them.

So when I had that cold ealier in the year, I was feeling like, if I were
to die it would be so lonely and disconnected, so sad. So I felt like maybe
I should focus on connecting with other people. Now though, I feel like
connection takes on a whole new meaning. It doesn’t have to be with other
people. It just has to be.

I remember this one time listeing to angles by the tea party, I felt like
it was almost my life flashing before my eyes, but in a good way. It was
extremely beautiful and intimate. It was also just me by myself (although
someone else’s music but still).

Chasing new experiences: Because Recognition is Cheap

I’ll lay it out as plainly as possible. If I am to grow old, end up a 90 year old guy, I don’t think I’ll me be happy just being known for what I’ve done with my life. Like, when I think about it, being 90 years old, no sex appeal, not being awesome or anything like that, just being able to say what I WAS, is not enough. No one can give me enough recognition of admiration to satisfy me. Not even now actually. I mean, in times when I didn’t know what I had to offer and cared, it helped to be able to see where my contributions are most valued. However, contribution can be made just be accident, just by doing what you love. Maybe not everyone is the same. I don’t want my goals to be based on leaving my mark on the world, or making a name for myself. I want something that will always be amazing. That thing is the universe, not just the ever changing opinion some people have of me.

Lately I’ve been thinking, what am I actually going to do with my life. Am I going to do something big? When will I get my chance? When will be my time to “shine”. In the meantime I get to just be “normal” life a normal boring life? Then I get to shine for a few years maybe and then back to being boring when I get older but I’ll always have people remembering how cool I was “at one point”?

I have another idea. Forget about “shining” and instead focus on actually experiencing.
Now, yes some travel, and main stream things like that could be cool with good friends. However, I will always be searching for something more. I don’t know if it’s that I want to be the first to discover something. It’s more that I want to discover and do things that actually push me on a spiritual and intellectual level. I don’t mean discovering something that will help science even, although that could happen. I mean I want to discover this universe, and live an amazing story.

And not even to tell. Maybe just to hint and maybe to write in a journal for people close to me to share in. I just feel like sharing my stories my adventures for someone else’s entertainment, would cheapen it. It’s weird because on the one hand the way the media works is pics or it didn’t happen. I almost get this feeling like, if I don’t share this awesome thing that happened, it would be as if it didn’t actually happen. When I do share it though, it’s like it get’s cheapened because people give a shit to varying degrees. If I tell my story it becomes something I achieved, where as if I don’t tell it it remains something I experienced.

I guess it’s like my focus shifts and then I decide I want to share, for the recognition, but after this it’s harder to go back to seeing it as just an experience. I think I need to look at when my focus shifts. It could be that around the wrong people I feel lonely and the only way to feel connected is to share achievements. It could be that I don’t have enough people to just share these things with as experiences, maybe because to many are focused on experiences being achievements. I realize though that the best you you can be will be based on going in the direction of love, not achievement. For example, working out for mood vs for looks.

It seems for me, learning more about what life is, is the overall thing about experience that I want to have. I do feel like a lot of older people talk about how they have so much life experience and how they know more about what life is and it sounds so elitist. I don’t want to become a master or a PHD in what life is, I never what there to be an end to what life is that I can say I know it all. I want to learn more and feel more connection to it. I feel like the people who do feel like they have to have some authority on things, make themselves hard to share these experiences with, that these people as well as the people who will see me as an authority instead of just someone to share with, these are the people I will avoid sharing with. When people share stuff with me, I don’t turn my nose up at them, I’m happy that they have discovered this thing. Not happy as in I’m judging their progress through life. I’m happy because it’s a sign to me that the universe is getting better in general and that now I can share in the joy of that discovery with someone who understands. I assume everyone knows what they are doing already, and so I just enjoy people I can connect with. There are no levels with me. I don’t focus on what other people have or don’t have as people, and people who focus on that in me, obviously there will be a disconnect there.

Recognition feels good sometimes. Like if I do something I’m proud of and other people, especially people I respect and am close to, recognize the achievement. However, it feels like there is recognition where someone shares in your achievement of something maybe admiring you a bit or learning from you, and then there is recognition where someone just admires you or admires your achievement only. Not really sharing in your joy. Admiration is tricky in general and part of me feels I should avoid it.

Fun For Youtube: Find Intrigue then dive deep into understanding it

So what I have been thinking about this weekend, is the focus on fun. I’m am feeling more and more like the future will depend to some extent on people having fun. By “fun” I mean attaining higher levels of happiness, joy, passion, feeling alive, ect. Well, I guess you could say I’ve been distracted even from that because I’ve actually been focusing on how the fun I plan to have, could translate into a form of value for other people.

See I am creative in general, but mostly I don’t do as much with it as some other types. At least, I don’t do as much on the outside. However, on the inside things are happening.

I wonder if I could just extrovert those things that happen in my head, just express myself more fully, would would be the result. I’ve already learned lately that in conversation, the more I am able to say what is on my mind (where it’s invited) the more value and enjoyment I end up bringing to the converation. Even negative opinions of someone, if said in the right way, will come across as not a complaint but as a humorous observation of my own disliks.

Anyways, here is the brainstorm of the solo activities I enjoy and where I feel I could add value to an audience:

Books – On the rare occasion that I’m reading a book, I am not the type to just say “that was a good read”. If I am reading a book, a book I like, I will be making connections to other concepts for the duration of that read. Sadly I think reading a book is not video worthy, but the discussion about what I’ve read might be.

Also, while I enjoy writing story ideas, it could be more efficient to instead of trying to put the random inspirations into something. I could just speak about them as they come up. This leads me to, when watching a movie and I think, well wouldn’t it be cool if this happened instead. I could voice that idea.

Music – Just nodding my head wouldn’t work. However, if I can go in deep about what exactly the song makes me feel, (like I have done in some comments, with great response) I feel like I could be adding some value there as well. I could even do this with my own songs, as well as more popular songs, or just a wider variety. Also I could accept other people reccommenting me songs as people love to do. I get it. The value that comes from reccomending ones tastes to someone else. It’s like, the chance to form a connection with someone else based on something very deep. That’s gold.

Movies are one where you could actually watch and do commentary while watching. It would be like what I do anyways in my head. Something strikes me and I just go off on a tangent and think about something for a few minutes. I could have that process outloud. Ect.

Video games, same thing. I mean there are games that are enjoyable for the gameplay and for me it would be stuff like smash bros, starcraft, mtg. That stuff is goal oriented, competition oriented stuff which is also fun (with other people) but it’s not the thing I seem to fight for the most. At least, in the past it hasn’t been the thing, or the only thing, I’ve fought for. Zelda 64 was all about just exploring and learning more about the world and about people and their perspectives through the worlds they create.

Now, this is just sticking to stuff that is fun. I’m sure people could learn from watching the way I do dishes. It’s just that that might not be as attractive, as fun. So it would be better to learn possibly the same ideas, but through something I actually find fun.

I’m now wondering how much can be learned from me, just being myself, instead of actually trying to make a name as a teacher. I wonder if the the foundations of my cognitive style could somehow be summed up in how they are expressed why I am enjoying myself. This would be very valuable I think. However, it seems at least right now, that much of my congitive developement, happened through me trying to solve the problems to get me to this point. Trying to reach a state of passion and enjoyment in life, and connection with people, and meaning.

It is possible, especially with the music analysis, if I focus on the emotions, that I could be leading people in more emotional/spiritual exploration and that this would be as/if not more important than the reasoning that got me here.

I am kind of shifting to the focus of value more than fun at this point. Iunno, maybe I shouldn’t. I think I now focusing on it for the sake of seeing if I have somehting worth putting on youtube, and something good for humanity.

Anyways, so I kind of feel like that sweetspot for me for engagement, would be letting people recommend me songs and also my choice of songs being stuff more than just I enjoy. Then leading the views through my emotional analysis of myself as I listen to these songs. Not just for them, but also for me, as it would be a form of learning about myself and about the world and other perspectives. Also it activates my imagination in a far more natural way than if I just sat down trying to create stories.

Oh, this sounds familiar. I realized the same thing about learning Chinese today. I don’t enjoy making up stories just for the sake of productivity. I’d much rather be making a story based on guessing of what actually could be. It’s a form of exploration, or wonder. Sometimes that wonder is initiated by some random thought or sight or occurance. However, in cased where a person has created a sort of mystery, my imagination can often run wild in search of possibilities.

So there could be this natural trend in my productivity where I do best when I have something in front of me that is intriguing. Wether it is a written language, or my own emotional reactions to something. Also I guess you could say this creativity is a good form of problem solving and that the more indepth I can go with my digging, the more other could benifit.

The secret here seems to be in finding things that generate that intrigue. Not all things do this. Physics doesn’t often seem to do this. It’s just to of this world for me. I see possibilities far beyond it.

After stepping back to see what I’ve been neglecting, Daniel H. Pink, Right Brained Economy

A few days ago after all the attempts and deciding on a path, and thinking maybe programming would work, I noticed that the choice didn’t feel sincere. Like I was selling myself and everyone else short by going that route. I felt like I just had so much more to offer although society didn’t have a place for it. So I took a step back and looked at all the other people in my life who at the present moment I had been kind of neglecting and would probably have to continue neglecting to give what I was truly capable of if I went that way, and it looked grim. From my research (not much I’ll admit) apparently although there is less war, there is actually more conflict now in the world. It’s just the way people relate to each other in general now that is far from optimal.

I realized, I mean just what am I even living for it I’m going to walk through life following the money and letting all my natural abilities that could help a lot of people just be relegated to the side project status. I thought about it, like when I die, what do I want to leave behind. Not based on other peoples idea of what a legacy is, but mine. What would feel worth while for me. So I realized I had to do better. Art, music, writing, just something. Something that would make an actual impact.

So yesterday I stumbled across “A whole NEW MIND: Why right-Brainers Will Rule the Future By Daniel H. Pink.” and it shed some light on the situation from an economic perspective which was great because even though I would rather my life be about helping others in the best way I can than making money, I still felt I shouldn’t have to neglect myself. So he basically says that in the future people with my skills will be in demand and that it’s slowly happening already and I totally see it. So I think I will focus more on doing things I feel are important and not on just money, also not on fame or anything like that either. I don’t want to be motivated by trying to get love, I want to be motivated by the growth of my own love for others and for the universe.

According to Daniel H., meaning is found in the service of others. However at least for me if feels like my true feelings of love don’t come from helping people, but instead they come from hearing an amazing song and witnessing other beauties and art forms, and mindfulness and meditation, and philosophy, and I guess to some extent novelty. So I wonder if I should be focusing on helping other people, or if I should be focusing on reaching some sort of nirvana or something. It just seems at least so far that all the value I’ve created was based on me seeking my own happiness. Although I have empathy, iunno if that comes from my parents infj isfx?, or from watching good tv and reading good books, or just the social environment in general. Iunno, and it helps to have empathy and want good things for the world(also philosophy for wanting good things for the world (terry goodkind)) but I still don’t see myself as a therapist. I have empathy and/or sympathy but I’m not too emotionally available.

I actually feel weird when I do something nice and a person is over joyed ect, because I just wish they could do it themselves, like be self-empowered and not so helpless. I think if I do focus on others it will be with that as the end goal. For people to be more self-empowered. my problem though is I get very easily discouraged when I try to help someone and they don’t want the help. I mean I don’t get upset but I just feel like, maybe I shouldn’t be trying so hard. That and the above is more reason to just focus on myself.

Then there are things like striving to become more attractive, body building ect. Do I do these things for me, or is it to try and win the love of someone else. Is it vanity or is it art. Is it abundance or scarcity. I know I have always wanted to have an awesome body, however now that I am pretty close to it I wonder if it is still for the right reasons. I am more sex obsessed now and I also wonder the same thing about sex. Is it good to want a partner to be very attracted to you or is it the same as trying to get someone to love you instead of loving yourself. Well what I think is that as long as you aren’t depending on it for happiness it makes a nice bonus. Like, if you are happy with who you are and if you feel you could be happy if you were unattractive and with no one finding you attractive, then I feel by all means strive to be even more attractive for your lover and for your enjoyment. However, I feel that in this day and age maybe priority should be on loving ones self first because in this age of abundance there is no need for self hatred as a motivator for survival, so all it does is takes away from enjoyment and growth and actually it takes away from survival lol. This is the age of intrinsic motivation, and intrinsic value.


Living for inpsiration: Finding it (or Getting out of it’s way)

After my last post I started thinking maybe the best thing for me to focus on, at least when not inspired, would be my own  health. However this was partially based on my motivation to be creating something people might want to buy. Like, making a fitness blog when I’m in a less positive state which while I’ll be researching on ways  improve my own health, the only reason I would make a blog out of it is for money which is the opposite of my authentic desires. I am actually still recovering from that thought that supporting myself right now financially was somehow imperative to my well-being and even more, imperative to my self worth for reason of me being taking responsibility for myself. I am re-learning other ways of seeing my life now, other more positive ways. For instance, as far as doing something inspired, if this was my last day alive, would I rather spend it moving out on my own when I don’t have to, or spend it doing something I actually feel is important, regardless of what most of what is socially acceptable.

So I was realizing also, that maybe health isn’t enough. I mean yes I think health is a perquisite to living the type of like I want, but not the only one. I think at the end of of the day, maybe that thing that makes me feel most alive is inspiration which actually, to inspire means to breath life into. So what I’m wondering is how do I go about being more inspired. Even while I’m pretty positive today, without programming which I’m not sure is authentically me, I can’t think of anything else I could be doing right now and that leaves me obsessing over what I should be doing, even just for fun.

So I’m going to try creating a tree or graph thing to brain storm and try to come up with a system that works to build inspiration until I am automatically inspired to do awesome things. Here we go:

Method 1:

Feel like shit and obsess over what you can do for money and enjoy -> find that something -> jog and sleep well and do that something

Method 2:

Method 1+reassess if what you found you enjoy is actually authentic and if it is continue.

Method 3

Jog/sleep well -> feel inspired but with no goal, just positive -> just be curious about everything and take it all it -> when something from what you take in inspires you, act on that.

So I just listened to a song I wrote a while ago. Mainly because I read review your older creative works can help inspire and I realized I do that all the time when I’m seeking inspiration. So I did so and the song sounded better than usual which makes sense because my serotonin is higher than usual which makes music sound better.

I thought about the song which I love for reasons which may not make sense to everyone, but it’s basically has a feel like facing my own mortality.

This is one of my best if not the best. I feel like when it comes to what inspires me, sure there are lot’s of little one off ideas I have often, but…

Well when I was nearing the end of high-school I was watching a lot of epic style movies like 300 and troy ect, and samurai style movies and I was in this frame of mind that dying passionately would be a beautiful thing. It was kind of like life and death had become two halves of a life well lived. At this point I was also way more into Tae kwon do and martial arts in general. I felt like fighting was one of the highest forms of expression for me. Not as in, I have a lot of problems so I have to fight. Just like, I loved the idea of fighting and even the idea of a life and death struggle. Well I grew out of that I guess. As I grew older I realized how much people cared about me and I them and death stopped seeming so interesting and virtuose.

However, well I don’t think I’ll go back to feeling the way I felt in highschool, I feel like life in it’s entirety including mortality are the most interesting things. I feel like if I am to feel a sense of awe and wonder, it will probably be based around what life is, what consciousness is, who I was before, who I am now, ect. This is something I think I would gladly trade a big house and nice car for. These are things that, if I was to die tomorrow, I would want to experience as much of these things as possible and share them with people. It’s that deeply spiritual(including emotional, mental, social) stuff from an analytical perspective.

I feel like, when I’m in a high serotonin state I am more spiritual in this way. I’m not sure if I will find something, like a goal or anything specific, to work towards, but this is something that I would be ok focusing on in this state of mind, regardless of whether or not it nets me anything financially.

So maybe the way inspiration works for me is

jog/sleep -> high-serotonin state -> let it happen(it: The curiosity and enthusiasm and eventually ideas worth pursuing)

Basically, ones I’m getting the serotonin, I am inspired, but I just have to get deep enough to connect to it. Deep like meaning of life/death/reality/soul/music/art/poetry. This deep place is more authentic to who I am but if I shy away from it thinking I need to focus on something more practical or even worse deny myself in completely by not staying healthy and/or letting outside influences dictate who I should be, then I wont get it. Once I get it though, I think the poetry and art music and curiosity and everything will flow naturally. Just the thoughts of the day.

Jogging for Increased Inspiration/Direction cont.

        Is it that I stop believing in what I love of is it that I stop loving what I love enough to believe in it regardless of if it’s actually worthy. Iunno, I wonder if after jogging, i will still feel like moving out somehow while still doing school or is that just something that comes from feeling not in control and seeking that feeling from external environment instead of from personal health. I think it’s possible that I’ve solved the issue of wanting to do creative writing in order to move out but not being able to create because of  lack of motivation or inspiration. I realize that I don’t have inspiration when I’m focused on money more than the joy, but also because when I haven’t been jogging, this causes both lack  of inspiration and a lack of belief that what I’m doing is worthy for it’s own right and might even pay off.

        When I have been jogging, I seem to feel like what I’m doing is productive even if it’s entertainment, I mean entp entertainment, so creative things, of course, it will be original and valuable. Not everyone should be a doctor, someone has to make the toys, music, ect. Whatever else someone is inspired to do, regardless of whether or not they are paid, if it feels worthy enough the gamble should be taken maybe. It seems jogging increases both feelings that passion is worthy AND the level of creativity that goes into that passion. So maybe it isn’t because I didn’t have money that I felt I could do what I wanted, but hat because of not jogging that I could feel what I wanted to do, and maybe make money through that ,, otherwise do it prolifically and, be doing what I want, regardless.

        Sure living at home may feel like I’m depending on other people, and getting support, but people seem to be fooled into thinking that means I’m not taking responsibility for myself. When in fact I do nothing but that, and have never expected handouts, but am nothing but focused on what is worthy for me to focus on. Also when I jog, I don’t focus on how to be happy or have an awesome life, cause I already have it after that so I’m just focusing on enjoying it which takes lots of creativity. Also I wonder if I’m more curious after jogging, as curiosity and anxiety are opposing emotional state. Also I just feel like when I’m not jogging , I don’t have time to be curious cause I’m too worried about feeling worthy ect. Where as after jogging I am more interested in enjoying myself which curiosity is a part.

        So all this actually begs the question, is there any point even trying to accomplish things on days like today where I didn’t get enough sleep and when thoughts about my future career potential are creeping back in. I realize that my brain is becoming wired to approach my life in a way I feel is more on the pessimistic side. So I have the option of either entertaining that opinion and obsessing over those things until my next jog and good night’s sleep, trying to focus on what I think I would focus on if I were inspired, or just do nothing except maybe go for a walk, watch something online, and hope sleep takes me sooner that way. It seems actually like the smarter thing would be the later option.

        I also wonder after the increase in direction I felt after jogging, if we do all have an internal compass or source of direction for contributing the most good to the world, even if it doesn’t fall within one of the few categories that exist for that right now. I mean, I guess there are some people who don’t really give it too much thought as to what they want to do, they just already know and it already exists as a category for them to fall into. However, for others I feel it is not at all that simple. I mean, I wonder if it is actually extremely simple, but just lacking social support.

For example, the way I feel I would be heading if I kept jogging and kept improving in mood would be I guess focusing on finding more and even high level forms of fun/spiritual development. Such as story writing, music, philosophy and psychology study, game design(not video game necessarily), ect. I would be focused on that, not on how to “make a living” or how to “support myself”. You see, I’m not here to prove I can support myself. While it is good to have a part time job or two going while I’m in school, if I don’t have to support myself yet, why would I build an empire around that which distracts me from doing what I feel is closer to my authentic productive drives. I mean I hope what I do helps people enough that they pay me, but more importantly I want to do what is the truest expression of me as a life.


Cycle of content and discontent and it’s effects on life decisions

So I now have this debate going on about whether I should continue on studying psychology which is relevant to me but which I find myself able to learn effectively on my own and apply, or switch to video game design and development which is kind of interesting and definitely challenging and I will finish i two years and can get a job in easier.

So this got me thinking. I got myself to try programming again when I was in the more negative dissatisfied mindset. I realize now that it i actually fun for me, as long as I stick to the things in it that are fun and don’t push myself to hard for days in a row. However, I figured this all out during the low point. So does this mean, now that my mood is improving, that my motivations might be different, ?and that those discontented motivations are actually invalid? Or does it mean that the discontented mindset is actually a valid one?

I mean it seems to be a cycle of jogging and feeling amazing, and then not jogging and feeling like staying up late trying to figure out how to make money and be free.(free, which would relate to the feeling I get after jogging where my life truly feels like mine to live) So I wondered, am I somehow doing this cycle, becoming dissatisfied purposely to motivate myself to scry for knowledge, and then finding it(programming) and then starting to jog again to become satisfied. Then it hit me, yes i am doing it on purpose, but maybe not for that reason. I jog until I am confident and happy with everything, then why would I care about jogging if I’m so optimistic, so I stop jogging, then downward spiral. So it’s almost like self-regulating behavior, except I’m not sure if it’s something I will continue to benefit from. I’m not even sure the idea of learning programming is of any benefit to me actually. I mean it ca be fun, but if I didn’t have money motivating me, and the past dissatisfaction motivating that, I’m not sure I would/will keep going. I’m not sure I should either. I mean it seems like a good route to employment statistically, but is it really something I need.

Also as I enrolled in second year psych anyways, just in case, I felt a lot of positive emotions. Feelings of belonging, and purpose. Also, I know that psychology would be a area where I will thrive where as programming, although I find it challenging, it is not my natural preoccupation and I don’t expect to ever be as good as the best, as I’m just not that type. I would only expect to excel in the area of game programming which actually is just being creative and unique and understanding psychology. Now that I feel more content, I feel like not having a job right now is really not that big a deal. My life is my life regardless of if I am living with my parents or not.

If I commit for 3 more years and then fall into a discontentment it will be even worse unless I’m all-in and have something to show for my effort by then.

Note which might come in handy in my arguments, I played cards today and I realized the thing that bothers me about that atmosphere when the tournaments get going is everyone is there to win, more than to have fun or learn things. It seems like the competition is more important to them than it is to me. For me, magic the gathering is a way to challenge my mind and be creative in front of people, but it’s not really for an ego boost or anything. I felt like a lot of the players there, like they couldn’t relate to me because I wasn’t as focused on the game, and therefore wasn’t as good, and they maybe assumed I was focused on it but just wasn’t good lol. They seemed to see me as a beginner, “noob”, ect, but to be honest if being good was my primary goal I would already be good. My primary goal was to meet people who were like me and I guess enjoyed the game for the more creative and discovery and social fun, not about who is winning.,I think there might be a few guys there, and they seem also like there is more on their minds than the game. I feel like I stick out like a sore thumb and it almost bad me feel like there was something wrong with me, but now I realize I am just looking more at the bigger picture where as most of these guys were not. I walk in there and it’s like the only thing these guys are thinking is, “this guy is a noob”. That seems to be what they see me as, as a human being, which is so weird, because anywhere else in the world, I would be seen as who I am, not based on my level of skill in a game. Well, people often say MTG players were intense and I’ve seen it before so I’m not surprised.

I honestly feel I have better luck meeting people I connect with, in school, than during a game that they will take too seriously. This is kind of more argument for psych vs game programming as game programming would kind of be the element I’d feel people are focused too much on. Or at least, I can imagine meeting people who focus too much on high scores if I were to study that. Although I guess that is way too narrow minded as there are so many types of people, and games. However, although I like games, they are not my life. Where as, psychology as a whole, well it is closer to being my life. The experiences of life, versus the experiences of games.

Anyways, so now I wonder, since I am so confident now that sticking with psych actually seems like an option. Will I keep feeling this way, if I can keep jogging ect, and will it pay off soon enough so that I’m not still living at home at 30. Or if there is a way for me to not b living at home sooner, maybe it would be worth looking into. Scholarships ect.

Also, now that I feel like my life is more mine, I feel that all this learning I’m doing, is my career. I feel like this is the most valuable thing. Learning what I should study, learning how being healthy puts me on a different motivational path, ect. These things are invaluable. I feel like these things, and all the other things I do in my unknown quest, are my life, my career, my legacy. No matter what anyone else thinks, and no matter how lonely it might get, it’s extremely important that I express myself as completely as I can.

Efficiency, Strategy, Creative Strategist, ENTP Careers

Whether it is the genetic efficiency of facial symmetry, or the linguistic efficiency of words that rhyme, it seems efficiency is strongly related to beauty.

Today I was thinking of my situation(wanting money to do more stuff with) from a few different perspectives. One was the idea of focusing on things I want in life and letting the value flow out of the achievements I make there. However the other perspective which I feel is extremely valid is that one of the things I want in life is financial freedom. This is valid in my opinion because it’s just like the idea of building a house, which I would love to do, if only it was legal, but I would have to have so many certifications ect. I feel lie my personality type thrives on solving it’s problems in the most efficient way possible. I also feel almost like my reward circuitry is a bit related to that of a hunter gatherer, where value comes from quick kills of quick finds, no excessive drawn out work. The “finds” are the ideas that are easily actionable and take not too long to implement but save lot’s of time and energy.

I think what sparked this whole efficiency thing was that at work when people order certain meals, I sometimes spot alternative ways they could place their order where they save money and so I tell them. So I realized I just made someone 2 dollars through financial strategy.

So the more I thought about efficiency, the more I realized how much of the way I work is focused on maximizing efficiency. I am a rational type after all and therefore strategic. It’s not that I don’t have passions beyond efficiency, just that I need to make the process of pursuing my passions as efficient as possible, time, energy and especially emotionally. This is where all the language learning research came from. I’m not content to take 5 years to learn a language, or to drill the same words endlessly. I feel that maybe ENTPs are “efficiency sensitive” meaning our motivation depends on efficiency and is driven by it.

Now this next bit will be even more out there:

In a previous post I stated briefly the idea that “the universe is running on love” could be true in that everything happens going by the path of least resistance. The only thing that sometimes doesn’t do this is the human consciousness when we choose to hate ourselves do things out of that place, instead of things that come naturally.

To continue that thought I can say the universe is running on efficiency, or striving for greater efficiency. This is why humans who are the most healthy, are on average the most attractive, and on average their genes run on the most efficiency algorithms.

I’m not sure if all types would consciously want to strive towards efficiency, but I think many NT types would at least to some extent. I feel that when it comes to making a living, which in North America really means “making a thriving”(not complaining either), for me, my best bet would be to focus on efficiency in my life, (and maybe in other peoples although I’ll come back to this), to the exclusion of any specific field of study. Just, my field of study will be efficiency of humanity, or something like that. I feel that with my Ne and Ti, I would be able to put my natural inventiveness to excellent use in this strategic fashion. I actually already do so when push comes to shove, like at work, and when I do chores at home. As well, as someone else said at some point on some blog, being frugal becomes addictive. I guess because it’s strategy in action. However, I don’t think being frugal is enough because I want to create new value.

Also I don’t think I want to focus on a goal that is too long either. I mean, that wouldn’t be as efficient as something I could do in one day and reap benefits for a long time. See someone who isn’t looking for those kinds of ideas, thinking along those lines, how could they find them. No, they’ll just keep working hard long hours because they aren’t sensitive to the redundancy.

Anyways, so will I learn programming? Sure, if I need to, like to move the contents of a bunch of sticky notes into a note pad, I could create a batch file or something.

Also if I think about some of the greatest inventors of our time (steve jobs), what they did was make something more efficient. A computer for everyone, a car for everyone, a store for everything, ect. Then there is the programming stuff which apparently efficiency has such a huge role in.

Also efficiency strategies give me a sense of achievement, and I love the fact that making work more efficient would mean having to do less of it! Or even just getting more for less work, ect.


After writing this post I decided to do some research to see if there was a trend of entps feeling the same way and I found:

Then more searching lead me to this guy:

which lead me to the term “creative strategist”:

This actually seems to suit my idea very well as far as focusing my strengths on efficiency. I am pretty sure I already any opportunity to use my strengths to help other people, because the the (E) maybe. However, if I were to focus on making my life more efficient, for one I feel I already naturally do make it more efficient in that I make fun and happiness as accessible as possible. Beyond that I’m thinking I would be far more motivated to make someone else’s life more efficient than my own. I can see this as a strength and as a weakness. It’s a strength because it means I will naturally gravitate towards solving other peoples problems which is pretty organic in that I am giving value to others and so it would make sense that I am given value in return. However, I can see this as a weakness in that I’m dependent on other people to appreciate what I do, for me to even be motivated to work on something. I could just focus on making my life more efficient in the job I have and not even worry about anything else, however that seems short sighted.

I mean I could start an ebay business or something and try to automate everything about it, but I’m leaning towards the “do cool shit” philanthroprenuer idea of just finding businesses I believe in and am/become a part of, and then help them become more efficient(enable them to create more value somehow), hopefully leading to a job or some recognition.

It’s about increasing the efficiency in areas I believe in, which could be something I start for myself or for others, that I believe in, but for now it seems like it will be something others have started already that I am becoming a part of. At least as far as making money is concerned. I mean I’ll do the stuff I believe in already, but for making money I’ll have to sell my strengths to others in this way, as when I utilize these strengths for my own personal use, the end result is not as marketable, although extremely valuable. As well it’s not like I’m only focused on businesses, I’m focused on anyone who could use strategy, like with the customer today.

Really, money is a measure of contribution to society. My philosophy is that everyone enjoys contributing if it is from their strengths. There seems little point for me to turn money into something else like something personal, if I don’t naturally feel that way. I mean naturally when I want money it’s a single minded thing, not like I want to do this and it just so happens to sell. I’m contributing to society so I make money which can buy stuff society produces that I don’t feel like producing myself. So I’m already interdependent as far as wanting stuff someone else made. It seems like a romantic notion that a person has a craft, they make someone and sell/trade it. There are still people who do this though, like programmers who make web apps ect, maybe even stuff that increases efficiency. However I feel programming is not as efficient as free creativity which can create ideas for any market.

Also the reason I would target businesses instead of just people is because with businesses their goal is to make money, so if I help them make money, it’s like I’m part of business and will feel like I should be compensated, where as if I help people with things in their lives it’s like I’m doing them a favor. Of course I’ll still help people where I can, but I wont charge or anything.

In selling my service to business I would kind of be saying, “nice business, it would be my pleasure to show you how to make it even better so it makes you more money. Then give me some!”


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