The Drive for Authenticity, for Being Human

So to summarize the last little bit there:

For the longest time I have been in search of a life full of meaning.
I thought it should be like an action packed movie or game.
As I grew older the urgency grew as I started to feel less and less human,
living in the same house of my providers, not being able to
provide for myself even, let alone do something meaningful.

Tonight I felt the cold winter wind on my face and hands, and I
retreated into the warmth of my parents house, only to realize I was
running away from the possibility of being truly authentic, which I would
be if I had no home to turn to, and had to fight for my survival, for any
shred of warmth, even against society.

I listened to the opening song of a show and realized not all music I love
urges me to live out the fantasies of some other person’s story.
So I realized there was an origional part of me, that music could go with.

I realized part of me would rather freeze to death than live in
an inauthentic and dependant way, but that going back out into the night
then, would be a waste, a step in the wrong direction. However, so would
moving towards a job in a feild that would just be making a living.

So I realized I would rather continue with school, and more philosophy
especially, and possibly end up in the cold at a later point, after having
tried to make a difference to the best of my abilities. If that happened, I
would accept it, and do my best, and it would be me, and I would be proud,
and turn my nose up at anyone or anything that didn’t see why I’ve won.

Rather that, than spend any amount of time trying to secure a job I don’t
believe I should be doing, to be supported by a society in which I would
not be living authentically.

So, I have a very strong need now, to make something of this path that I
have chosen. I need it, as if I were still outside trying to get in.


Thoughts on Motivation and Direction in making youtube videos

All my life, most of my goals have been things I wanted to become,
not things I wanted to produce. I wanted to be the value, not create
some kind of static value. I mean I would love to share all the ideas
and thoughts I have, but those things are not my goal and so focusing
on them would just be kind of like a distraction.

I feel like as I become what I think I should be, I will attract
the audience I’m supposed to, and they can score through all the
information I’ve wrote on the thoughts that led me there.

I like that better than trying to turn my process into the value,
when it’s not really my aim.

Also an important rule to keep in mind is not to hold onto any one
thing like it’s the only right answer. Not to be so attached to any
song you produce like you wont ever make something that over shadows it.

I mean, I would love it if everything I learned while reachin my goals,
could be shared with everyone else. However, sharing value with everyone
else simply has not been my goal. My goal has been to become something
valuable. Iunno, it’s almost like a trade off. I mean I could spend time
setting myself up as a go to guy for something by creating informational
products. Or I could simply achieve the dreams I want, and then become
popular through doing so. Kind of like the old fashion way I guess.

Joust. Kung Fu Masters showing their skills.

If I become what I think I and other ought to become, through hard work,
people will be asking how I got there.

I have these notes that I write because they help me get there. So maybe
they will help others as well. However, there will be other ways of getting
where I get so it’s not like there isn’t that abundance. The most important
thing I think, is that people know that something is possible, then if they
want it badly enough they will find out how to get it.

So I guess my message is about what is possible.
By message I mean say if we are all neurons part of some larger universal
consiousness, then what will my message or messages be. One of them I think
should be abundance and what is possible.

I feel like some people start youtubing for different reasons. Some for
information sharing as the end goal. For me I think the end goal is
becoming what I want, with the information being a side effect that is
definitly important but I can’t let it distract me from my origional

As I become more who I want to be, I assume people will approach me
to know more about who I am, read my blog more, ask more questions, ect.

Externally Motivated: More analysis

The kind of thing I’m thinking about now is how does it make sense that I would have such a need for people in order to be inspired. It seems like compared to when I was younger, this wasn’t the case. Btw I think if I can solve this problem, if the solution is surrounding myself with the right people, I will totally advocate this idea to anyone else who thinks they are too good for it, and explain why it has absolutely nothing to do with value.

Let me give an example of why it might feel like a weakness to need other people to be motivated. Maybe, as happened to me, you can remember a time when as a kid you were acting out and some adult, maybe a parent, iunno, told everyone around you to not give you any attention when you acted that way. This is a very insulting way of controlling¬† a child which could work for an extroverted child especially. I have memories like that, or at least the feelings without the specific memory. The problem with this, is you have an adult taking power away from a child, making them feel weak and subdued. Instead of loving the child and supporting their need to explore and their discoveries, some adults just “don’t have the time, or energy” and so they inadvertently hold their children captive in their own lives. Then when the children act out to try and add value to their lives through society, the adults take even more away by getting everyone to ignore that child. This kind of thing is extremely degrading and it sticks. Even if a kid has high self esteem, how can a child value themselves when other people are systematically taking their power away by removing themselves AND not allowing anyone else it. I feel like this is where my “White Room Theory” came from. It came from a feeling of being controlled by social factors in my life and dis-empowered by them.

Btw, my white room theory is the idea that if I was trapt in a white room with nothing in it but walls, and food ect, with no way to escape except if I put years of work into it. Would I be able to put that time in. This came out of the feeling I got being at home after college with no motivation to look for a job. At this time I also didn’t have as much contact with friends because I felt like it would be a sign of weakness. So maybe I have some deep seated scar hear from childhood I don’t know, but I’m figuring it out right now. It seems, not just with parents, but even just in childhood teenage-hood ect, that I wasn’t surrounded with people who empowered me as much as I feel I could have been. Not that I’m not grateful for what I had, not that I’m blaming anyone, just that it was a mixed bag and sometimes I felt I was doing things people would love and I felt inspired, then sometimes I felt no one gave a shit so I felt uninspired.

So shouldn’t I just be able to work hard no matter what anyone else says, and achieve what I want?¬† Then wont people come to me and love me? Is that really how it should work though? It seems some people in my life thought so, and they may have even been haunted by that idea themselves. The idea that they needed to be somebody in order for anyone to love and respect them. That’s a trap, at least for extroverts, because if we need to work hard to get support, but need support to get the motivation to work hard, then that’s not happening. So the list of problem mindsets:

1) Feeling like you should do what you believe in and then people will love and support you
2) Feeling like it’s weak and therefore wrong to need other people for motivation
3) Feeling dis-empowered by people neglecting you

OK, so that is some deep shit. Feeling neglected in childhood especially. Wow.

So, let’s start with number 1)

Should I have goals that I believe in no matter if no one is supporting me or talking to me?
Well, Honestly the goal I have right now (and I mean I have family around me and work ect, but not the strong intellectual connections I thrive on) the goal I have right now is to figure out this problem and figure out how to meet people so I can be inspired. I feel like this will always be present even for lonely extroverts, because this will cure our loneliness. As long as we don’t let ourselves become depressed, we will always have this drive. We crave human connection so even if we don’t have the energy to make a painting for nobody, doesn’t mean we don’t have the craving for human connection. As long as we remain empowered, and believe that we CAN meet people we connect with, we will always be empowered. (kind of answered number 3 by accident). Beyond that my goal is to achieve cool things with people, discover things people will find amazing, share things, ect. That is what I believe in so actually doing something other than that. Like trying to just be ok by myself, is not being true to myself, and is not doing what I believe in.

Number 2)

Is it weak and therefore wrong to need social support.
NO, and here is why. First of all, apparenlty everyone, or almost everyone needs this social support and without it we may actually die. However there is the North American Ideology that: “You shouldn’t need me and I shouldn’t need you. We are cowboys in the west, lone rangers, and we fend for ourselves. Don’t depend on me because you will just be a drag, second class, expendable, and not worthy of love.” However, most people end up being social and around others already so they don’t ever have to come to grips with the fact that they actually do need others. Or if they did they would figure out a way to make it a “fair trade”. I mean to be honest, there are people I can’t hang out with for long periods because I don’t connect with them. Doesn’t mean I look down on them. In fact I respect them too much to pity them. I respect their independence and self-responsibility and hope they find people who actually want to spend time with them.

Anyways, I see my need for human connection as a passion, not as a weakness. I mean, people aren’t weak. People don’t beg for help. They often would rather kill themselves than beg for help and be looked down on. Looking down on them will only push them further in that direction. The direction to proving once and for all that “needy” and “motivation to live” are different things. I don’t need people, I just would have little motivation to live otherwise. See the difference? I’m not going to beg, I’m going to leave no rock unturned in finding people I connect with. If it were possible for me to talk to every person and find that I connect with absolutely no one on the level I want to. I don’t think I’d kill myself, but why would I bother trying to create art or poetry ect? Who would I be creating it for? That is externally motivated. I WANT to create things other people will enjoy, discover things other people will find valuable. It a primary desire.

Moving forward

Now, I might have sorted all of this out. I was on my way to school and realized that when I want to talk to someone, either someone I new in the past, or someone new on the street. If I try to talk to them and they snub me, I think I’ll look at that a different way now. Now I’ll see it more like they are the ones who are wrong for looking down on me. They are the ones that don’t understand.

Entertainment that is educational has been/will be a key element of meaning in my life

Introduction: Entertainment that is educational has been/will be a key element of meaning in my life

So I just realized a lot of the most meaningful experiences and educational experiences were from fiction novels, and video games, and tv, and movies, ect. Not only that but I feel that video games, literature, and other entertainment is key in the ever increasing IQ of the human population, the majority of which is not post-secondary school educated. I also realized I have been avoiding doing all of these things. Now though, I realize these are some of the most important things in my life, things that have played a big role in shaping who I am. So the short story is that this might be the conclusion to all the pondering of the last few posts. The I continue my indulging in this entertainment and as I feel inspired, create some of my own. Also while indulging, make notes about what I learn and my reflections and connections I make from what I take in. These plus my observations of my life including problem solving ect, will become blog posts, e-books, ect.

Losing out on Heroism?

My biggest issue with entertainment is the feeling that I’m missing out on something. Like, all the cool things that are happening in the games and stories are things I wish I was doing in real life but I can’t because I am doing these games. I guess I had been feeling an urge adventure like final fantasy, and maybe a sense of importance(although this might be irrelevant as not everyone gets or should hope for a chance to save the world from some sort of doom. Reading story lines which glorify a single hero(or band of heros) seems to breed or cater to a more narcissistic world view. These days I feel the world is to big, and with too many people with too much potential, for anyone to focus on being the world hero. I mean, it fosters a sense of hope that you can do whatever you achieve even if others can’t, but it does so by pitting people against each other in way by glorifying the few which automatically downgrades the rest. I think better would be a concept of everyone doing what they do best and it all helps everyone. I’d rather no one need to be the hero, but otherwise I’d rather at least no one feel the need to be one out of need for validation. Just enjoy life and help where you can ect.

Losing out on Adventure?

Adventure, it seems, isn’t something that you earn by getting the right kind of job, and it isn’t something you go out searching for just for the sake of it, at least not with such a broad scope as, “an adventure”. I think adventure happens when you either want to discover something that you know could hold many possibilities or if you have a goal that will require you doing a lot of new things and will involve a lot of unforeseen events taking place. For example, talking to a stranger or even more narrow, talking to a stranger you find sexually attractive. You two talk and decide to meet again, from there it could go in so many directions but it will be an adventure. Another example, well Ash ketch-em from Pokemon, wanted to be a Pokemon master and that took him on all kinds of adventures. So really, if someone decided they wanted to play in MTG tournaments around the world, they should expect it to be an adventure. I mean, it wont be the type of adventure where you have to fend for you life and possible kill a man, but honestly, that type of adventure, although glorified in today’s entertainment, is not fun. y’know, like, you would like some ptsd to go with your jail time? Also what is the difference between a discovery of science or the physical world and a personal discovery of some cool idea in literature. If it’s meaningful to a persons life, that’s all that should matter. To me, hearing about new scientific discoveries is cool but pales in comparison to a good read.

One way conversation

Another problem I had was related to pride or even simply self-efficacy I guess when I felt that I was just taking in information from these sources of entertainment and learning. I place a lot of importance on my intelligence so I guess I felt like it was an extremely one way experience and like, “will it always be them talking, me listening, as if they will always remain the knowledgeable and me the lacking, the needing?”. I mean I’d have no problem with meeting someone who can teach me a lot of new things, and I hold myself responsible for improving my intellect as needed independent of it’s level relative to others. I guess I just can’t handle it when I feel like, “I’ve thought of that, I could have written this, I know all this already, why are you still telling all these things I don’t need to hear?” Now I realize it isn’t like that exactly. I am choosing to observe the thoughts of humans. The authors/producers ect are humans and I experience them and their knowledge through their work. Then I come to my own conclusions. This is self-directed learning based on what I find interesting, and I’ll make sure I don’t stick to something if it isn’t teaching me something new. Also, humans are naturally social and this socializing is a very efficient means of building knowledge. I am not interested in proving my ability to survive and build knowledge on my own. Then I write about my conclusions for other people to benefit from, and I guess for self-expression so it not one way and by me expressing my self, it because more meaningful as someone else gets to read what I’ve thought and maybe use it for something meaningful. Ultimately I am interested in living a meaningful life and for me this includes other humans ect.

Links: For reasons why someone may want to read more literature(or I guess play video games with good stories)

Thank-you for reading, I hope you enjoyed. Feel free to comment, like, subscribe, more developments to come!

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