Self-Actualization/fulfillment/fun through taking on new goals like a game!

So I wonder if my goal is to become a better human.

Also I think I’ve been limiting myself to much by trying to summarize my whole reason for living in one simple motivation.

I mean, I don’t only live for goals, I also live for family, friends, simple pleasures some what, etc. Anyways when it comes to youtube, and meeting people, and just generally
having something meaningful to focus on, it seems I work best when I focus on what I want. I was thinking today that I focus a lot on doing things on my own. Especially
on being independently happy. It’s weird though that it seems being independently happy isn’t like the end goal. I still want friends etc.

However, I guess I don’t want to have a end goal at all. I do want goals though, just that I want to be always growing. It seems though that it’s still better to focus on one milestone at a time, at least in the moment, not on any really end goal. I mean, games aren’t fun when you get to the end, they are fun when you are about to reach a new level. So I should always be seeking the next level, in all my activities, including fitness, even though it seems many people believe in a sort of plateau, I don’t think it makes
sense to.

Also, eating, exercising, and sleeping, are just the basics, the foundation.

Also it seems activities like music, story writing, and comedy are really creative but that this makes them goal less. Like there is no way to compare how good I am, it’s so random and so individual. Something like language though has levels to reach. Same with weight training. Iunno, maybe language is about Si just like fitness is, but it’s like social Si.

btw I was thinking now that I can learn hanzi faster using etymology, that I should just
rush it and d 20 a day. However, then it becomes the type of goal where I am trying to just be done with it. I realize now that the fun isn’t in being done with it, the fun is everyday when I do it and see myself getting a little bit closer. If I become unsatisfied with my progress, that could be because of other things in my life, and not the Chinese learning. It could be that I’m over compensating instead of fixing the real issues.

So it seems I’d rather have a 20min/day habit than for life, then not have that habit
because I completed everything already.

I just want more 20min habits now. More goals I can say I’m working towards.

Also it seems as much as I like being creative, I find being creative to be not challenging usually and not as rewarding. The things that I find most rewarding seem to be things that just take practice. Weights, languages, etc.

It’s interesting because once I get good at a certain skills I’m sure I will be able to just funnel it into something creative. It’s just that I need to put in the practice to get there.

Ok, I’m getting it now. It seems I might need to focus on just putting more skills into my brain, increasing my base of strength basically, and then from there whenever I want to be creative, I will have way more skills to call from to do so with.

Hmmm, I wonder, what about classical music?
Skate boarding?
These are all things I’ve been interested in at one point because I felt it would be cool to have them, but then I got board of them and gave up. If I had stuck with them, doing a little bit every day, then every day I would be able to say I had goals and every day I would be able to feel that dopamine rush of reaching new mile stones. However, back then, this was not my frame of mind. I wasn’t seeking fulfillment, I was seeking recognition and acceptance ect.

Hmmmmmmmm, or am I turning into an ISFJ again? Putting the Si first? Am I feeling like creativity isn’t satisfying enough to me and is it because I’m hampering it, maybe by not collaborating with other people? It seems the best way to invest in myself might be through these types of goals, instead of through creativity which is already innate, takes no effort, and feels less rewarding?

Well, if I do music, even if I don’t do classical, I should probably do theory. Theory is what I think is missing from my strength. I can be creative without it but I’m very limited. If I learn theory, I will gain control over my musical ability.

Music theory is to music
as Hanzi is to Chinese

Iunno, this doesn’t seem exactly ISFJ to me, because I’m striving to be a renaissance man. I’m just realizing what my weakest links are to that end so I can work on them.

Also I feel this may be what that Chinese Canadian culture is about to some extent. Having goals, becoming the shit. Turning life into a game, instead of needing to find games in some virtual world that you can be good at. Focusing on skills is half the battle, the other half is how much you do, and making habits of doing a bit, and having multiple goals so that they all remain fresh.


The Lexx: journy of my Si & Spiritual growth

I am checking out an old tv show called the lexx. I first learned of the show when I was probably 8 or 9 maybe 10, and I watched it I think it was every Friday evening. Anyway it was a pretty messed up show and being that young it was often like I was just hoping I wouldn’t see anything too scary.

So now I’m watching the making of, which I have seen already, and might watch the whole show again. I’m learning things from re-watching it though:

1) the music was so phenomenal and I’ve just realized a new way of looking at music. It is used as a way of expressing a context for the scene. This show does that so well.
2) The characters and ideas are so unique that even though it’s fiction, so much is learned, so many concepts are learned. Even if concepts like space ships, living ships ect, are fictional, it doesn’t mean the ideas aren’t educational. They are extremely educational. Th whole experience of that show, the way the different personalities interact with each other. It’s just amazing.

This might sound vain, but I wonder if I would have watched it if Zev was not in the show. I’m not sure because I definitely appreciate beauty and it really attracts me to things. Iunno, maybe I would, or maybe not when  was younger, but maybe when older. I don’t know honestly. Well even if Zev was the main attraction INITIALLY, I gained so much more from the show in the end.

The youtuber Zero One Infinity, and now on her new channel as Rachael Lynne mentioned that one way ENTPs and others with Si as their last function try to develop it is by Nostalgia. I realize I have been doing a lot of that, a lot of looking at my past to understand who I am, how I came to be, what I like, what is important to me, ect. My problem with my desire to do this was that it felt like I was not focusing on the future. Like it feels like a lot of “successful” people must be constantly focused on the future and on big ideas ect. However, part of me just wants to curl up in certain points in my past and just re-experience. Now I’m thinking I might actually need to do a lot of that. It feels like I have been losing a lot of who I was, what makes me me, and it really bothers me. So I think I might start looking back and this time taking notes.

Society makes it seem like meaningful things are about starting successful companies. Also society has an obsession with super heroes fighting bad guys.  I’m starting to realize I’ve been kind of indoctrinated to value these things as success, instead of things that actually matter to me which might not mean saving the world. Meaningful to me might just mean not forgetting my childhood, hanging out with people that matter to me, waking up early ect. I mean, sure someone could focus on trying to bring order to the warring states of wherever, and I applaud who ever is doing this. However, I also want to realize that people wouldn’t be so messed up if they were happy, and they would be happy if they knew themselves well enough to be happy. Basically I feel the biggest issue in the worl today is corruption and that starts with unhappy unhealthy individuals. Therefore I feel the biggest contribution I can make, is to not be one of those unhappy, unhealthy individuals. Not only for other people, but even just for me. I don’t want to suffer. Why should I hurt myself.

So I’ll go to bed on time, and tomorrow I’ll think more about my past, and the dreams I had while sleeping, and the people I want to talk to. It’s just seeming like my path is more about enlightenment, maybe a bit of healing, and lot’s of spiritual growth, and less about academic or financial achievement or influence.
I’m so glad I decided to just randomly put of youtube videos after coming home from what felt to me to be a lame improve group thing, and almost an hour long walk in getting food on the way back. I feel like all that stuff did something to improve my energy levels. Also before even setting out, I did an hour and a half of work on my neighbors basement renovation, and then a 30min workout in my own basement with weights. Also I ate pretty clean all day, subway for dinner. Also bed time has been before 12 for last few days, also on that zinc again.

Definitely though I need to keep my environment filled with awesome influences! This will give me the energy, meaning, and more knowledge I’ll need in order to grow spiritually which seems to be what I’ve been trying to do.

Fitness: Durability

For me I realize that expecting to recover efficiently from a super intense workout is to much to ask. There are so many unknowns.

What I want to focus on now is how to get the most growth while still remaining durable. By durable I mean basically still remaining strong throughout the randomness that is everyday life. I might get called for work, I might not be able to fall asleep one night, ect. I don’t want to sacrifice my daily enjoyment of life as well as future progress in my fitness, thinking I should have been able to use 65s for incline by now.

So my program is going to be medium-high volume and frequency, but lower intensity. So I wanna aim for 4-5 days per week in the gym. around 5 sets per exercise, and never going to failure or even high emotional arousal/grinding reps. I want to do just enough to stimulate the muscles and I want to leave feeling like I could do more.  Basically I want focus on feeling strong all the time. Jogging and other cardio will play a key role because for one it improves sleep, and for another it does things for the body that leave the body in a high energy state if the cardio is just enough and not too much.

Also I will put way more emphasis on technique because I notice all the lifts where my technique is sub par or I keep changing which technique I use, those lifts have not improved. Mainly the seated cable row here I was undecided about using my lower back and legs or just upper-back and arms. Just upper-back and arms it is.


My interest in people: Music/Art: Curiousity/Growth

Introductory ramble: I feel like the the mbti geek youtubers I end up watching the most, and even just the people I get along the best, are those that have an appreciation for the same music and art as me. I feel my interest in people may center around what they communicate through their music/art more than other things they study in school let’s say. As well the experiences of these things that I can share with another who feels the same feelings as me from said music/art bond us by a very important common interest. If I were to see music/art as a tool, it would be one for creating new realities/perspectives sort of like an epistemology but for the emotional world? Which I mean emotions are not simple happy or sad, it seems they can be complex enough to represent specific situations even. Emotions are a large part of how a person experiences reality so I feel they could have their own epistemology.  I feel there is much to be discovered as far as emotional realities and these experiences make us more whole. As well creating and communicating these experiences allows for even more growth.

Importance of spiritual growth vs medical advancement: I often wonder if this type of growth, emotional/spiritual ect is very important in a world with so much diseases ect. However I think authenticity should be applied and so I should follow my love. To back this up there is more and more scientific evidence that doing things to reduce stress and increase positive emotions increase life span at the genetic/epigenetic level. Not to say I will only think about art or people, because I become curious about other things all the time. just that is seems I have an affinity for art and it’s complex relationship to me and to others. I solve problems as they arise however when my problem is finding something to love and work towards it seems to dominate my mind as without it, without love, I feel low energy and unable to focus on the big picture.

Bliss: This emotional/spiritual enrichment , I feel it does much in the way of bringing bliss which even if it doesn’t mean living forever it will at least be part of living full. I can when in the mood enjoy the process of creating new music as it speaks to me the whole way through if I get a good start, usually using piano to get good melody/harmony. Adding my own photography to the final product would be great as photography also displays new ways of feeling about things. However no pressure I can use other peoples are or no art. I can also collaborate with music producers who have the same understandings and motivations as me to make something and experience something together that we couldn’t on our own.

Music’s place in my life: Most recently though my thoughts on music’s place in my life is that although I may slowly develop some music on my own, maybe searching for new interesting music is more what I love. Discovering artists that speak to me in novel and enriching ways. Also for me it seems I have always been driven most strongly by mystery and curiosity. It’s easy to forget this when everyone is saying be productive. It’s like, maybe, I’m not sure but maybe, I really just want to find music rather than create any, however I feel a pressure to create some of my own maybe just to have something to show. Well might also be partly that I sometimes want to express myself through music in a novel way if someone else is willing to listen. However more often than not I’m not surrounded by the right people to inspire me to create something new to share with them.

About mysterious sounding music: See music can be mysterious, but I think it’s often(not always) that the composer intentionally writes the music to evoke that emotion, rather than that specific song having some secret to it. On the other hand, the fact that the mysterious sounding music was written speaks to the mystery that is the emotion being invoked. I mean, we know why the song makes us feel that way, but why would we want to feel that way and obviously we enjoy it so it speaks to the significance to mysterious experiences, and the significance of the creator of that music also being someone who gravitates towards the mysterious.

About discovery of people: I realize I love discovery but not any discovery. I mean, I don’t have much urge to discover new natural landscapes or planets or scientific ideas. I realize I am very people oriented hence the few posts back about interest in people. What I have to add to that idea is that I may want to focus on discovering new music producers and artists. It would be partly about the music and the art that is enjoyable, but more so I think I would be interested in the human element to those things. I would want to know who wrote the music, what inspired them to write it, what they feel when writing/listening to it, who they are as people, what their life philosophies are, ect. Music, not only mysterious sounding music, but music I really like automatically brings a curiosity in me as to the person behind the pieces.

Conclusion: Worthy endeavor: I mean, for most people, this probably wouldn’t be a “worthy endeavor” if I’m judging the worth of my endeavors. However for me seeing that people and especially people that do things I think are cool, are some of the most interesting things in the world for me, and given that my interest is deep enough that I create new knowledge doing so, I feel for me it is worthy. Worthy meaning it will be far more enriching that what others get from watching interviews of their favorite bands. I wanna go deep into this stuff, making connections between these people, and myself, and reality.

Connection to the mysteries of life: I feel like there is a difference between learning from someone who makes cool sounding music vs learning that same thing but from someone else. It feels like the fact that a person makes something I love makes them more credible to me? It’s just like judging a book by it’s cover. Seems my curiosity needs to be peaked for me to want to know about something that the curiosity doesn’t simply come from something that looks cool as might have been the case when I was younger. Now it seems it’s more about people. People who look cool, people who make good music, people who generate something that makes me feel love. I feel a curiosity, like, what do these people have to share about the world, about themselves. Maybe I feel like learning about people and about myself will help me understand the big picture of human life and the mysteries behind the experience of life, consciousness, afterlife, reality, ect.

It’s like in the Celestine Prophecy, the rule that people have messages for each other and there are signs for people to follow to deliver those messages. Maybe for me those signs are as obvious as that hot girl on youtube is saying intelligent things let’s have a listen, or this band is playing totally novel music, maybe they are novel people with novel ideas, hmm.

Then there is me and  so far I have a pretty unique style and look and I have youtube vids and music I made years, so I do feel I might attract some people. I also feel I will attract more of who love would dictate I attract the more I engage in my love, whether that ends up being me making music and art and fashion, or just creating more playlists with my eclectic tastes for people to find and photography from my unique perspective on the world as well as my blog, ect.

As I write this it makes more and more sense to me that obviously if I’m attracted to a person for healthy reasons, maybe I should engage them somehow.

Note: If the person doesn’t seem novel enough, like some people have novel looks but really they are just following a fad, I guess I wont bother with that, or if I can’t tell it’s a fad I’ll engage the one or two it takes t realize it is.

It’s very organic

My concience: “so Yusef, what are you going to do besides just having fun learning about other people and reality and stuff?”
My Response: “well instead of planning on a way to contribute as if I am obligated to do so, I think I’ll let the urge come organically if it does and I think it will. Now that I have something that builds love in me, I may have more love to give back in whatever ways are best. This post for example.”


Aging as genetic programming based on scarcity

I wonder if maybe the reason why humans are programmed to age and eventually die is as a way of minimizing the population growth while maximizing the increase in knowledge of that population. It seems many of the high level problems humans are left with in our modern age are based on scarcity programming so I am just curious as to whether aging is one of them.

It seems to make sense. Not only due to it’s efficiency but based on people having genes for cancer and diseases and being able to turn the off through meditation along with a generally healthy environment.

I also wonder btw weather the urge to reproduce is also based on scarcity. Example are how the sympathetic nervous system controls ejaculation, and other weird things like that which relate sex to high arousal/stress.

It’s not that I am wanting to live forever. I’m not willing to focus on that right now, it’s way to long term for me. However, I’d like to think things I do will help us progress in that direction, I don’t know why I am so interested in that out come , maybe it has something to do with personal development, and maybe something to do with my vanity of wanting to stay young.

Anyways, what I am willing to put effort into is how to improve my body day to day as much as possible. Enough that my improvements will outpace any aging that may occur would be amazing.

Knowing that mindfulness actually turn off genes for inflammation by the hundreds seems promising. Well, I mean, many an old asian man must have tried this back in ancient tims. I sure they lived long healthy lives, but I doubt they achieved or were even aiming for the kind of thing I am imagining. I think it would be cool to develop a method of training that will enable me to grow stronger, healthier, and with a more euphoric mood every day. I would like to have a linear increase in these things with no decrease in sight so that at 70 I would have reached captain america levels of fitness.

Iunno, we have technologies now to improve the efficiency of meditation like brain wave entrainment and biofeedback therapy. I am thinking this kind of thing would be worth looking into.

Oh so my main argument was that if aging is based on scarcity, and meditation/relaxation equals no scarcity, then a person who is totally at piece or even better, in a bliss like state at all times should be able to live indefinitely.

Biological abundance is now possible, I mean we can get food we need when we need it, and sleep well and exercise. This has increased out life expectancy by a lot. To the point where the things that kill us are things programmed into us to kill us, things our minds turn on but that can also turn off if we think the right way and meditate.

Also I wonder what our focus on meaningful living will do for out life expectancy although at the end of the day meaningful doesn’t always mean healthy, like war for example. So I wonder what bliss will do. Apparently happy people live longer.

So what I’m thinking is basically following bliss/love which would incorporate eating well, excersise, meditation and other people, as these are all things that increase not “happiness” but ability to feel happiness or joy(the difference being “happiness” is usually some fleeting in the moment pleasurable feeling where as the ability to feel it makes the persons happiness kind of independent of the situation. Like the person will be “bright eyed and bushy tailed” even just waiting in line for food or something. That’s not North America’s idea of happiness. The ability to feel happiness is like bliss as a biological state. It’s what you get when you jog 3x a week for a few weeks if you sleep well and do everything else right too.

So I’m just thinking that if bliss/love/abundance is the way to improving everything about oneself, then I don’t really have to focus all my energy on trying to research how to live longer. Instead I should follow my bliss whether that is music, people, fitness, medicine, whatever.

Also I will probably use the rule of variety as there are so many forms of meditation that do amazing things.Qi gong I did when I was 13 or so and after a few days or weeks of it I remember laying in bed just not really doing anything when all of the sudden I started feeling like these energy surges, pulses, like my whole body at once just flashed or pulsed with energy. I don’t know what that could have been but it was everywhere at once and didn’t feel like a heart beat, it felt like a series of jolts. My muscles weren’t contracting either, it was something else, nerves firing?

Anyways there are so many things about our bodies we just don’t understand yet so I feel it’s worth it to just explore these ideas within meditation and energy work. Yoga is another cool idea.


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