aesthetics and diagrams, obfuscation and fun

Based on the half dream I’ve been having for the last
few hours where I’ve somehow been mulling over the idea of
creating art out of a learning experience.

I remember one part where I had created a website? or maybe
more of a digital art collage? but with parts you could
click on to make things happen.

It was very intersting and beautiful, and seemed to be filled
with images that were symbolic of concepts and were connected
together. SO it was kind of like an artistic diagram.

I think it was a lot of electronic concepts actually…but maybe
other things as well.

Also my music “what age means” was playing along with it.
I either was displaying it to others, or imagining the time when
I might do so, and it was inspiring.

Now that I’m awake I find a paralell to the way I’v been trying to
learn hanzi which is that I’ve been making diagrams that show the
connections, and I plan to use a ruler to make even neater looking
diagrams as they actually seem like the most beautiful thing in
my journal.

Also the diagram was almost like a game, or a movie, I remember,
like it was fun and an experience. That would be good for
a method of study. To create something I enjoy re-experiencing.

I enjoy reexperiencing my music, that’s for sure.

This is interesting though, because it’s like I got a glimse
of a possibility, one that could be revolutionary in learning and
art and I guess in my life, and now I can try working backwards to figure
out how to get there.

So, if I want to create an experience I’d enjoy again, well what seemed
to really help in the dream was that the music went directly with the
images…so I guess it was animation…so like, like amvs??!!

That could be awesome, because I enjoy watching my amvs repeatedly!

Poetry was like…one level above simple diagrams, in the artistic sense,
but I struggled to make them fun to recite as they seemed devoid of
artistic expression.

It could be that my artistic expression is more logical and so creating
stories and poetry that don’t express logical things, things worth
understanding, it ends up being not relevant or meaningful to me.

So maybe, like the hanzi diagrams, it would be better to focus on
making the method of diagraming, more beautiful, instead of
obfuscating the knowledge with art. So, using art in a way that
enhances understanding instead of the opposite.

So for example, the pie chart, could be seen as a form of aesthetics
simply because it’s a way of symbolizing something visually that is
more EFFICIENT(as efficiency and beauty are related).

rhyme works, when linking relevant facts together. However, rhyme that
links facts together but through adding in irrelevant untasteful information
, might not be as beautiful.

animation works well because it is a way of visualizing something that
otherwise wouldn’t be visualized. Along with sound effects, music,
and art in the drawing of symbolic images, it because very aestehtically
pleasing, some times even creating a whole other world around the
concept when the animation, sound fx ect come together well enough. Then
there is no need for extra irrelevant information.

This can be seen as an ENTP goal actually. By that I mean, it could
be a thing that all entps are built to do somehow, or that is on of their
highest forms of self expression. For example, Steve jobs revolution
of Apple, and pixar, was at is base, about this. Adding aesthetics
to the expression of information.

Leonardo Da Vinci was also about this, or at least his drawings
of inventions in his notebooks etc, and the way he painted, it was
conveying information in the most effective way possible.

It could be why I like electronics more than programming…because I
get to see more diagrams in electronics. Even the actually creation
of deviced, involves wiring connections together between different

Maybe if programming could be done in this wayWow, with code blocks
connected together. Even parts of algorithms should be visualized
as components. Actually, even math itself could be visualized as
being made up of components. Even philosophy could be.

Wow, I learned so much by going to bed early…enough that I woke up
3 hours in to write all this.

When I look at the diagrams in my hanzi journal, they just seem like
…like expensive. Like the most expensive thing in my journal, the
most significant. (also it’s the only thing written in pen lol, but

So maybe, to me, I enjoy the expression of connectedness, or at
least I am more sensitive to it, than most people, and so it is
art, and beautiful, to me.

So maybe I can enjoy learning anything, if I can just express the
connections between things within and between feilds in the most
effiecient way possible.

This is a new form of communication so I wonder if it could
become it’s own language somehow lol.

As I searched for the word “obfuscated” I came across the
international obfuscated c contest. It’s so cool. It actually
would make programming fun…For one thing it is actually comical
in a way that is smart so it’s like…a new and maybe improve form of
comedy. Second it’s so creative and it’s a creativity for the
purpose of entertainment, and possible even just fulfillment in
ones ability to create something so crazy.

It’s weird that so many programmers seem so passionate about just
creating things that are functional. I feel like obfuscated c is
way more fun and maybe even a better learning experience, beyond when
you want/need to know something. I’ve searched programming poetry
before and while the philosophy was cool sometimes, the actually idea
of doing it was not. It seemed like it would just take energy away from
me. It didn’t present a specific challenge where I would gain energy and be
inspired by, but instead it seemed draining as poetry without reason
often seems draining.

Obfuscated c on the other hand is like, purposely doing meaninglessly complex
stuff. It is actually like a skill that you can develope and it’s
actually comical and fun.

It’s almost like an attack on the standardization of programming,
and for me just the irrelevance of programming to my life.

I mean, the dullest thing I’ve learned so far is making data based
for websites. However, if I gave myself permission to create the
most messed up databases, maybe I could actually enjoy
the learning process at least.

Really what obfuscated c seems to do is it opens my mind to creative
possibilities without limiting it to things that are needed by the
real world or following real world standards of efficiency. Basically
it brings the imagination back into the equation where otherwise I
would always be depending on someone else’s idea of how things should
be done. Now the whole goal of programming is to do things the way
they “shouldn’t be done” which means I can use every possible peice
of information and weave it all into doing something the wrong way,
because the wrong way, becomes right.

Why is the wrong way fun? So I think it’s because it’s not limited to
someone else’s methodology for one, but for two it’s because it depends
on you ….

just wow…I mean I wish I had thought of that earlier, like, instead
of learning from books, I could just do things the wrong way on purpose,
trying to see how wrong I could do it.

So theses are two ways of learning. One is using art to communicate
ideas more efficiently and it will be beautiful. The other is to
use ideas in the least efficient way on purpose, and using
creativity to make them the most ineffiecent, and this will
be comical.

Actually, obfuscated c reminds me of how I play mtg. I try to pick really
weird cards or combinations and make them work. So when I do this,
the game becomes about my deck making ability as much as my play
ability. I don’t do it in a funny way nessesarily, but more like a way
to challenge myself. I guess it helps that mtg is social, but still I
wonder if I could do the same with obfuscated c. Instead of going for
comical, go for something different that expresses me. Like how I go
for making music that is more obscure sounding. I can express myself in
code by my choices of what tools to use for a specific job, instead of
going for the tools recommended. In this way I also would be making
mini challenges like, “do this part without using printf” etc.

I wonder though, because this seems more social than more art related

Well also I guess it’s just that, duh the right or best way of doing things
is often not that hard to figure out. It’s not as challenging, at least
for my style which looks for more possibilities, as trying to make
somethign more “interesting”.

So really it’s not about it being “detail oriented”, it’s about
it being to common knowledge…I like exploring what is possible,
and the way to do that in programming, at least until I reach some
master level where I just know how things should be done better than
anyone else, unless/until that happens it’s best to flex my creative
muscles through obfuscation and doing things in different ways
regardless of what is more efficietn, but just focusing on what could
actually be possible outside of how things are usually done.

So for things based on logic such as strategy games, programming etc,
artistic expression seems to come through individual choice in how to
do things. So it’s best to give ourselves permission to do things
in whatever new and creative ways we want in order to express ourselves.

In music and other fine arts this plays a role, but also individual
tastes like musical tastes, play a big role.

In things like physical labour, artistic expression seems to come
, at least for me, from a combination of pure physical intensity, and
creative efficiency of momevement.

Now, artistic expression in the actual learning process, that seems to
be more about just the way the information is laid out.

Actually the idea of obfuscation can be applied in many interesting
ways it’s so cool that I just found this through googling and that
google autocorrecting to the “ed” ending helped me get there.

I could make a store, that is made of CSRs who standing in formations
to create iles etc.

I could also make a store where everything is just drawn in the snow
but have security gaurds protecting it, being really serious.

JUst taking a goal, and finding very weird ways of accomplishing that
goal. That is one power I have that most people don’t and that people
will probbaly find very useful or at least entertaining.

If I want adventure, that is one really good way of getting it.
I feel like that is the kind of thing I would do in video games
but should also do in real life more. STYLE! Cool style!

Also, to obfuscate can mean, to make dark/(er). So in a way it is
gothic. It is venturing out into the unknown, the unbeaten path,
the mysterious, and expressing that, maybe in a way becoming that.

I have two things now to think about. Perposeful obfuscation,
and aesthetics diagraming. Both are interesting and seem fun.
One seems more fun in the moment though and more connected to
doing. Although, AH, I could use obfuscation in my creation of
diagrams maybe…but not in a way that adds irrelevant info, just
that that form of organiziation could be more obfuscated.

Meaning you might have to work harder to extract the meaning,
but it would be interestin to create, and could lead to
actually innovation in creatin diagrams. IUnno.

Brings me to think of entps as dancing with death but maybe more
accuratly, with darkness, as we search the darkness, the unknown, through
ourselves, for new possibilities, where as most people are content to
just use what is known and there already.

Language Learning: Muscle Memory and Passive Auditory Imprinting

“Passive Auditory Imprinting” Is really just a name I’m giving for the idea Khatsumoto from gives the idea of learning things through “osmosis” or passive listening. Where for example, if you hear the same phrase over and over, even if you don’t actively pay attention to it, you will become familiar with that phrase. Another example is learning a song or the words to a commercial even if you aren’t trying to.

I call it passive Auditory imprinting, and I stress “imprinting” because to me that feels like the best way to describe what is happening, at least for the moment and because this idea of imprinting seems to have other ways of occurring that I want to discuss.

First though, the reason why I find this idea important. It is because I find learning things actively to require a lot of resources and therefore not efficient. I mean, the worst example of this is creating mnemonics, where you focus completely on this task for the period of time that you are creating them AND all the reviews of the mnemonics you create.

Why is this not efficient?

For some people I’m sure it is efficient. For me though, I find myself constantly thinking, “damn I have to make up stories and review and actively recall meanings and stories of words. I have to remember a lot of information actively. I have to spend this time doing this, when I could be thinking about so many other interesting things. That is what makes it a burden.

Working out isn’t a burden for me. Doing chores not really, a physical part time job not really, but sitting down to review information that I already know so I don’t forget it, running over the same pathways, consciously,almost as if I never even made them before. That sucks.

A bit better is learning by trying to make connections. It’s still very active but it can rely on context more than creativity.

I feel like remembering things is important. I really got thinking about these ideas because of this fact, being able to remember a lot of facts is important for success in most fields and at least for the moment, it is not practical to try to get around it, in the school system at least.

Language learning as well is another huge example of where memorizing facts can become the “make or break” point. Learning Chinese requires being able to read and write 3000+ unique symbols.

This brings me to my next idea. Because learning Hanzi through mnemonics and review of those mnemonics becomes mind numbing very fast for me, because in general, memorizing can have this same effect, I need a way to be able to do memorization without it being a burden. Without having to sacrifice my cognitive resources.

Now here is my solution, which is pretty much going against the new way of doing things. I want to learn Hanzi by rote. As I write them out 10 or so times each, I will not have to think about them nearly as much. I can think about anything, let my mind wander in and out of focus. As long as the strokes are right and as long as I somehow fit the meaning to them. Either by only learning sentences which would have built in context for far more Hanzi at once. Or even paragraphs of text, just writing the whole paragraph out, knowing what it’s about, until I’ve memorized it and can write it on command. Or just write the hanzi while saying the name each time. Simple things like that.

I’ll still learn them. Why because of another type of imprinting. Muscle memory imprinting. My muscles(and parts of my central nervous system) will learn the Hanzi. I will be able to access those parts either when I write, or by imagining writing the words, and eventually just because I’ll have used them enough.

Now here is an interesting question. Is writing in big letters, the same as hearing a song played at a louder volume, in terms of increasing your ability to remember it. Or does a song only need to be loud enough to be clear, and writing something you see, the same as seeing the symbols clearly.

So this brings me to a whole philosophy about learning. Should we be trying to force our learning(of boring material) into consciousness awareness? Or is it better left to other parts of the central nervous system to store, and then we process and internalize further as needed?

I’ll end this by saying it sees some thing we are passionate about “knowing and understanding require a foundation of memorizing things we feel are not interesting. This method is a way to memorize those less interesting things in a way that uses more kinesthetic resources instead of the deeper conscious cognitive processes we want to use for the fun stuff.

Theories in motivation and learning

One theory is that there is this period of development where a child wants to take things apart and see how they work. If they are aloud to do this and taught about the things they take apart, their interest in those things will grow, but if they are not aloud to take them apart or if they can’t figure out anything about it afterwards the interest may fade. Just an idea. In addition to this is my idea that that interest doesn’t go away completely but remains as dormant interest that can only be rekindled in the proper environment where things can be taken apart and understood.

Notice schools mostly don’t work this way. For the most part school relies on teaching kids about individual components and only at the very end do they learn how things come together in maybe on or two applications. This is the reverse from a childhood motivation which is to seem many completed devices and wanting to work their way down to see how they work.

This leads me to my next idea. That maybe I could create a learning environment for myself based on things that are whole, completed things, that I then take apart.

Beyond this is the idea that it doesn’t necessarily have to be like, a whole computer, just the basic functioning component. What I mean is, if you hand me a capacitor I wont be intrigued. Sure you could hand me a whole computer, but really if you just handed me the smallest application of the capacitor and let me look at that whole thing, I would also be intrigued. By application I mean something where I see a visible or audible effect. Something that has an effect on my physical world.

So this is another theory I want to think about. Are we more intrigued by things we can actually see, hear, touch, and even more so by things that we can see having a mechanical/automated effect on the environment. If this were true it would mean the difference between learning computer programming by just writing code for a long time vs purposely compiling and running that code every minute just to get that hit of dopamine when you see your program have an effect on the screen.

You know how people say, ” I loved programming from the first time I got the computer to print words out to the screen.”, ya? So this must be a pretty important idea. Maybe critical to the enjoyment of learning programming. Being able to see often, the results of your work. This could be hard in some cases when you have a lot of errors etc, but  guess the whole point would be to create a system of learning that keeps errors to a minimum, but also if possible is not predictable in what comes to the screen.

I notice a strong paralell between this and learning a language where learning just hanzi in chinese has become actually painful, and I would much rather learn sentences which are actually functional.

I’m already in school for psychology, I might as well see if it’s possible to create the kind of system that makes learning anything fun.

Are you the type who likes someone to teach you how to play a game first, or do you like to learn as you go along? I feel most people would rather get right into the fun of the game. To me that is the difference between learning about components and learning about simple applications.

In fact, even a capacitor is more fun if you hook it up to a dmm and see how current reacts to it etc. But a small application hooked up to that dmm would be more interesting.

Post-Capitalism: Intrinsic Motivation: Finding mine in school

I had this theory that the universe was based on randomness and duplication. If this were true it would make sense that the two things that would help me thrive would be the motivation for sex(duplication) and for awe(unpredictable?) Still the the idea that it is a “competition” between those two drives doesn’t seem that efficient. However, it feels like what they guy from personality junkie said about NPs is sound in that a lot of the ideas I come across seem almost by accident like it is the universal impulse.

Now, I could just try to focus on reading the text books and doing the homework for the possible ideas I will stumble on and the connections I happen to make. I am working to motivate myself from within an educational system that is not built specifically for me so I have to figure out how to work it. Or maybe the system is fine, and it’s just like jogging where I have to get used to it.

The other possibility is that the universe is made up of not randomness but a system. This makes sense in that the big bang would be a cause, and the rest would be the effect. So if we rewound this to the start and initiated the same bang, we would get the same result. So it isn’t random is it?

It makes more sense that the human then is a system with an urge for duplication
among other elements of it’s system.

My question was, does it make sense for me to have a specific goal, or is it
better to just focus on learning more. Goals are what brought me here in the
first place. Maybe “here” is the goal.

I’ve thought about this before actually. It’s good to have goals that come
to you, but trying to seek out goals to have seems like not the best idea.
It seems unessesary.

Also, why do I get so much more motivation in class where as at home I don’t
just sit around reading the text book. Well, it could be that exchanging ideas
with other people, exressing my ideas, IS a goal for me. If this were the case
it would be good as the more the ideas flow the more can be done for society.
Also my motivation for studying outside of class would be to be ahead so I can
keep up with the conversation and say my peice.

I guess also I could go online and start a blog and try to get other people to
read it etc but that might be too much work for too little reward. Iunno.
It would be a fun side project though, at least in the fun classes. Also yes,
some classes are more fun and rewarding than others. That is part of my problem
right now. I’m talking a lot of classes that just don’t engage me enough,
and don’t generate enough ideas. There is no sense trying to argue that these
classes are actually good for me and that I need to adapt somehow. They are just
not efficient uses of my time.

Or, maybe it depends how I look at the classes. I mean, given the choice I might
not want to have to take states/research/ling, but I migh be able to make them
fun if I:
1. Look at the concepts from different angles, like trying to get deeper into them and
2. Bring out questions based on 1. in class.

So the motivation for doing them is still because have to do them instead of something
more intriguing. However, I can get a lot of fun out of it by doing steps 1. and 2.

If I only did step 1. I would have less motivation to read ahead because I wouldn’t
have a way of contributig based on that extra work.
If I only did 2. well in many cases that is what I have now. I mostly just do 2. and
it works out ok but not great.

I feel like there are a lot of external motivations that could come into play
in education. However I feel that a motivation that will be lasting and enjoyable
it needs to come from within.

So, just like lifting heavy things and running fast because it feels good, I would
rather focus on learning for the sake of learning. I feel like sometimes I become out
of touch with the enjoyment of learning for that sake. However, this could easily
be more about metabolic factors than anything else. When I discover/create a new idea
that is truely awesome, it is empowering and rewarding. The only time it’s…
(not that I should never focus on what I don’t have, I am not sure, maybe, but
not sure) It seems like learning about sexuality has helped with my understanding of
the world. Although a lot of the big stuff like mbti was learned more for the sake of
finding intrinsic motivation and just plain fun.

When I’m not focused on what I don’t have btw, then there is no underlying goal for my
learning. I just learn because I want to know. Knowing, experiencing, is living.

It’s intrinsic. When people learn to focus in on the intrinsics, there will be
no more “work”. For instance, I’m going to work today not for the money. 34$ or something
for 4 hours of physical labor. I mean yeah it adds up, but I am more there for the
relationships and the physical activity.

People were getting slaves to do their work for them, because they couldn’t see that
the work was actually good for them.

So in order to get to this state where you are only focused on the intrinsic rewards,
I think it has a lot to do with dopamine. It’s like when you let go of all the things
that might be fun to have the dopamine receptors increase. Like, if you were to just
let yourself be bored. Then you would start day dreaming and being creative. I feel like
the getting creative part is what happens when the receptors finally start up regulating.

So if you could upregulate them earlier, through exercise etc, then you would find it
easier to let go of other shit, the extrinsic stuff, and just get motivated.

I feel like this is a big thing. I feel like here the ability of a human to self-acualize
could be improved by things like increase dopamine receptors. So in this sense, it seems
what people need is to be healthy mentally. I mean, understanding the concepts of abundance
and self reliance are important too, but when it comes to actually enjoyin the intrinsic
rewards, dopamine is the reward, so you need to be able to produce and utilize it or you
will just be a couch potatoe monk.

You could see dopamine receptors and that kind of thing as an internal awareness of

what we need to be doing with our time. If we don’t keep it healthy, we start to lose touch

with that internal compass thing. Not that we don’t need to be rational if we have it,

just that it is a drive.

Productivity: Active Learning = Flexing between Sets 在 the gym, makes 它 fun

Anyways, So, I can promis myself day of awesome productivity if I don’t sleep properly
(althought there is always green tea and/or excercise etc to try and get energy). Even on a
nice kind of rested day though, working on something boring, will be boring. I mean, as
I do more cardio I guess my receptors will improve and I’ll have more ability to just work
on stuff. However, that is only one factor. The other is enjoying the work. You know,
making the time count for something more than jus putting in the hours. That is where
perspective is important. A work out with no music is even ok because it’s kind of rewarding
to get that pump and leave the gym on a bit of a high. Add some good music to that and
you feel bad ass. How do you feel bad ass about studying for an exam.

Well one idea I have is to not make it about “studying” and make it more about actively
creating something as much as possible. Express yourself through your studies. The simple
example is in a lecture, do you just listen and try to absorb, or do you listen, summarize
in your head, try to take notes only on what you think are the key points. Active learning.
I guess it’s not a new concept. It’s usefulness when it comes to making life more rewarding
though, there I think it hasn’t been stressed enough.

I just realize the things I can keep up with best are things where I am active. It takes
more energy initially, but really that is actually better. It takes energy to make energy.
Same with excercising, which I’ve become really consistent with because of this. As well,
I’ve found it to be more rewarding. Now to do the same with something like studying.

Now, I”m going to go straight to the thing I’ve had the hardest time keeping motivation
for. Chinese. What have I been doing. First, not writing out the characters. Doing everything
I can to keep it a completely mental endevour. I feel that will have to change. I will have
to practise speaking out loud, and writing on paper. It’s interesting, I can actually
imagine how rewarding it could be. Repeating a word or sentence until I got it right.
Re-writing a Hanzi neater, faster. So much more to improve on, so many more areas of the
brain being used.

It seems therfore like trying to take the easy way out has ended up being the hard way and
that I will benifit from doing more WORK. Hard work is rewarding, easy work is boring. That
seems to be the basic idea.

Maybe that’s just the extroversion in me though, getting energy from the world or something.
Hmm, I got tired of writing out characters though, that’s why I stopped in the first place.
They just took a long as time with little reward beyond doing them which I would have to
do for a year at that pace.

So what might be better then for me is skipping that learn hanzi phase and moving on to using
Chinese to actually do stuff. Say hi to people online, start a blog in Chinese and write in
it every day, etc. Stuff like that is also active learning and it’s I think more rewarding
and relevant to language, than learning Hanzi in a vacume would be. I think I absorb ideas
fast enough not to need to learn in a vacume. So a blog and I guess a youtube Channel, both for
I guess just sharing sentences I learned and as I learn more trying to combine the sentences
I learn each day to create new novel sentences.

Next, as far as other subjects go, same thing. I think I’ll learn better if instead of trying
to learn the subjects in a vacume I take each new concept I learn and try to think of it
from different angles, maybe look up things based on my ideas, then record all that other stuff
in a blog as well. If I did this it would be serious active study.

Making connetions is to studying, what grunting flexing after lifts is to weight lifting.
If you never get to see your body and your lifts improve, why lift. Same with study etc.
It’s important to be able to be active, with what we learn, to enjoy it, to make something
of it.

Basically, studying wouldn’t be worth the time if I couldn’t see the bad-ass ness of what
I was doing. Music might help, but still, learning Hanzi in a vacume for a year, never trying
to communicate. It’s like, purposely limiting yourself for no reason. Not allowing yourself
to grow, for no reason. Active learning is more than just flexing in the mirror I guess. I
mean it’s like actually seeing the weights go up and down, actually feeling it, trying to
add more weight, etc. Yeah it’s like adding more weight on the bar to see what you can
actually do. Without active learning you are stunting your own growth, and you know it, and
that is why it’s demotivating, I guess.

Making connections (Weight on the bar) + Music(Perspective of bad-assness) maybe= an enjoyable
lifestyle. Especially if the connections you are making are in the realm of science and you
find yourself actually able to contribute. Or it’s in langugae and you find youself more
and more able to communicate with people in that language.

Not saying you need to have an end goal(I work out for the hormonal benifit firstly). Just that
the sense of achievment(beyond any actual end goal) is going to make it addictive in the
short term. Addictive thigs become lifestyles. Productive addictions = productive lifestyles.
Productive lifestyles can then facilitate more things we want, without having to
throw our time away for them (we instead work actively to challenge ourselves and improve
in bad-ass ways).

Oh, and even more importantly I guess is to make it so that your active learning is
in-line with your long term goals. This is for specific types mostly. For example,
I feel like my long term goals revolve around learning things about the universe
and about biology and gaining more control to create. For example, if I could use
what I learn in school to improve body and my mind. See it seems like a lot of
people go into course like psychology hoping to get a “job” when they finish. They
memorize whatever they have to memorize in order to get there. Then they have a “job”,
which is a way to make money to fund other things they want to do. For me that wont be
enough. Damn, either I slept really well, or the maca is working, or both, or possibly
neither, but I am more clear on this now.

It’s not that I need to chose to either go into something for money or go into
it because it is interesting. I go into it with goal independant of money. I go into
it as a scientist, seeking to gain more power. Just like I work out to feel stronger
and look better and feel better. I go into science so I can become a better scientist.
So I can produce things in the feilds that will improve our lives. Money shouldn’t ever
even enter into it. It’s all or nothing.

It’s interesting that this seems so clear to me now. What was missing before?
Was I scared to get to into science in case I were to get bored and then have no
motivation to continue. Did peopel lead me to believe striving to make ground breaking
discoveries was not something I should aspire to? Wow, people really need to figure
their shit out. Not believing in themselves. Well, I have not choice but to believe
in myself, and dare to dream. Anything else would be just too f-ing boring.

Two things kind of trigger this emotion right now. One is this song I made that has this
sort of “unknonw” vibe. The other is the sexually attractive girl I saw at a computer
A fe minutes ago (although I’m not that horny actually).

Seduction: What is “fun” really?

So I went for a jog a few days ago, ad I’m still riding on the increase in neurochemicals from that. It’s propelled me to just exude a positive vibe when this woman was being a bitch serving me lunch. I ended up with an free sandwich because I just explained to the other server why I misunderstood the format of ordering. I kept the positive vibe and I feel like it was a victory for everyone involved because any negative energy directed at me just bounced off and disappeared, while I gave off more good and confident) vibes.

So before I start I just want to say that things like jogging and meditation show us that our true happiness comes from within. Once we learn that, it shows up as a confidence because we become in control of our emotional state, for as long as well can keep up jogging or meditating etc. This also manifests in our reactions to other peoples negative energy. We don’t need them to make us feel good, and so they can’t make as feel bad. We are in control. We just exude a positive vibe that helps everyone else.

So, What is fun?

Since my creativity level has improved due to jogging and vitamin d etc I have a more clear idea of what fun is. An idea that instead of being hindered by fear, there is no fear, but instead there is only thrill.

For example, if you are going out to have a fun night, what is fun? Dancing? Like everyone else? Is that an adventure?

I feel like if I’m going to have fun I need to be pushing boundaries. I am in school and realized if I study something it needs to be on the cutting edge. This is because it’s what is fun for me. Therefore if I go out to a club what is fun wont being in for a nice conversation and dancing and a quick make-out etc and the whole boring old charade that everyone does. It’s not fun for me, and because of this, if I try to do it, girls will feel the lack of energy.
So if I think all that stuff is boring, then I guess the oneness is on me to come up with something that actually is fun. For the most part something like this in a social situation was kind of like a blind spot for me. I just assumed what everyone else does is all there is. That the things I generally do, are all that is fun for me. That my fun and their fun, were just not compatible. Now I see things differently.

I can have fun. In a club or bar venue. It’s just that it might have to be a version of truth or dare, with an emphasis on dare. It wont be everyone’s cup of tea, but the people who get it, will probably really get it. Basically, when I walk into a venue where everyone’s anuses are so tight that …not even light can escape it ….lol fuck I mean I can either leave, or I can just explore what I can get away with. Like, how efficient can I be at getting what I want out of this chaotic social scene “excuse me, yea hi, can I get a kiss?” next girl “excuse me, yeah hi, can I get a kiss?”  “can I smell your hair? I want to know what it smells like. I have a guess but I want to actually find out now!” “Can I get a quick make-out”(naw that’s sloppy seconds) I mean, if everyone wants to have fun, I feel like this is fun. I guess not all girls will agree, but…I agree…sooo…there’s that. Fuck, now I actually want to go to a club. “hey everyone, I wanna introduce myself and gauge how cool everyone is here so HI”

I mean if you want to talk self amused, in a club or bar scene, that is self amused for me. Not pulling a girl outside for a deep conversation, not trying to be Jim Carry in the mask on the dance floor. Not making a fool out of myself for anyone else’s amusement either. No, what I want to see is how much I can do of what I want to do. How many boundaries can I cross (within reason of course), and reach new uncharted territory.

I mean sure it’s cool to find people I can connect with on deeper subjects. Connection is healthy and powerful. However, it seems “fun” for me is more about exploration, than finding all the things we have in common. Exploration of just, the world, of who people are, of what life can be, etc. The thing is, doing this seems to be aided strongly by a level of optimism inside to make it ok to dare.

Wow, for so lon I have kept myself in this kind of box of what fun was. Real fun has come out once or twice, like when I was drunk and just wanted to try something. However, in daily life, I have become more subdued. However, increasing my metabolism to that of a teenager through exercise, seems to correspond to increasing my interest in “risky behavior”, which if done in a controlled fashion is probably what a lot of people are itching for but don’t know it. (Controlled, meaning hopefully the itching should not be from a brand new std)

Huge Life Purpose Seeking = Distraction?

There are a few things I feel could be possible paths to a purposeful life in this regard, and I am trying to for-cast here because I’m not quite there yet myself:

1) That by slowing down and focusing on being healthy you allow inspiration to come in naturally. As if purpose is something that comes to you, or is innate in you and just needs to be brought out.

2) That just as finding purpose could distract us from health and general inspiration, it also may distract us from general hobbies and fun. It is possible that these hobbies are stepping stones to bigger things or at least they are things a part of us doesn’t want to see left not finished. The difference between helping the whole world in some huge way that only you could do, and the same but helping one person, may only be a difference in scale. It could be that by setting our sights super high initially we psych ourselves out because we can’t find a way to inspiration for such a big goal, or even find the goal itself.

3) That a larger purpose may come out of the smaller things you like doing. At least in that you would interact with many people and can be a positive influence on them. You can want to have a huge purpose in life and there are infinite ways to get there. However, those ways become more visible the higher up you go with what you enjoy doing. For instance, if you write a short story, then you meet a guy who writes comics and make a comic. Or you realize you could turn it into a novel, ect. Just as you will be inspired to do a basic thing, once you do that thing, you may be inspired to do something that builds on that basic thing.

If you decide you want to make a movie right now when you haven’t done anything remotely close to it, your in a hard place. You will have to think of an idea and write a story first. If you have already wrote a novel, deciding to make a movie wont be as big a step because you already have the basic idea down.

So basically a new possible way of thinking about this is you have to start from your basic inspiration and let it build on what you’ve produced. Once you’ve produced stuff, you will see a bunch of new possibilities based on those things and connections between them and then you can build out.

Self-Actualization/fulfillment/fun through taking on new goals like a game!

So I wonder if my goal is to become a better human.

Also I think I’ve been limiting myself to much by trying to summarize my whole reason for living in one simple motivation.

I mean, I don’t only live for goals, I also live for family, friends, simple pleasures some what, etc. Anyways when it comes to youtube, and meeting people, and just generally
having something meaningful to focus on, it seems I work best when I focus on what I want. I was thinking today that I focus a lot on doing things on my own. Especially
on being independently happy. It’s weird though that it seems being independently happy isn’t like the end goal. I still want friends etc.

However, I guess I don’t want to have a end goal at all. I do want goals though, just that I want to be always growing. It seems though that it’s still better to focus on one milestone at a time, at least in the moment, not on any really end goal. I mean, games aren’t fun when you get to the end, they are fun when you are about to reach a new level. So I should always be seeking the next level, in all my activities, including fitness, even though it seems many people believe in a sort of plateau, I don’t think it makes
sense to.

Also, eating, exercising, and sleeping, are just the basics, the foundation.

Also it seems activities like music, story writing, and comedy are really creative but that this makes them goal less. Like there is no way to compare how good I am, it’s so random and so individual. Something like language though has levels to reach. Same with weight training. Iunno, maybe language is about Si just like fitness is, but it’s like social Si.

btw I was thinking now that I can learn hanzi faster using etymology, that I should just
rush it and d 20 a day. However, then it becomes the type of goal where I am trying to just be done with it. I realize now that the fun isn’t in being done with it, the fun is everyday when I do it and see myself getting a little bit closer. If I become unsatisfied with my progress, that could be because of other things in my life, and not the Chinese learning. It could be that I’m over compensating instead of fixing the real issues.

So it seems I’d rather have a 20min/day habit than for life, then not have that habit
because I completed everything already.

I just want more 20min habits now. More goals I can say I’m working towards.

Also it seems as much as I like being creative, I find being creative to be not challenging usually and not as rewarding. The things that I find most rewarding seem to be things that just take practice. Weights, languages, etc.

It’s interesting because once I get good at a certain skills I’m sure I will be able to just funnel it into something creative. It’s just that I need to put in the practice to get there.

Ok, I’m getting it now. It seems I might need to focus on just putting more skills into my brain, increasing my base of strength basically, and then from there whenever I want to be creative, I will have way more skills to call from to do so with.

Hmmm, I wonder, what about classical music?
Skate boarding?
These are all things I’ve been interested in at one point because I felt it would be cool to have them, but then I got board of them and gave up. If I had stuck with them, doing a little bit every day, then every day I would be able to say I had goals and every day I would be able to feel that dopamine rush of reaching new mile stones. However, back then, this was not my frame of mind. I wasn’t seeking fulfillment, I was seeking recognition and acceptance ect.

Hmmmmmmmm, or am I turning into an ISFJ again? Putting the Si first? Am I feeling like creativity isn’t satisfying enough to me and is it because I’m hampering it, maybe by not collaborating with other people? It seems the best way to invest in myself might be through these types of goals, instead of through creativity which is already innate, takes no effort, and feels less rewarding?

Well, if I do music, even if I don’t do classical, I should probably do theory. Theory is what I think is missing from my strength. I can be creative without it but I’m very limited. If I learn theory, I will gain control over my musical ability.

Music theory is to music
as Hanzi is to Chinese

Iunno, this doesn’t seem exactly ISFJ to me, because I’m striving to be a renaissance man. I’m just realizing what my weakest links are to that end so I can work on them.

Also I feel this may be what that Chinese Canadian culture is about to some extent. Having goals, becoming the shit. Turning life into a game, instead of needing to find games in some virtual world that you can be good at. Focusing on skills is half the battle, the other half is how much you do, and making habits of doing a bit, and having multiple goals so that they all remain fresh.

Fun For Youtube: Find Intrigue then dive deep into understanding it

So what I have been thinking about this weekend, is the focus on fun. I’m am feeling more and more like the future will depend to some extent on people having fun. By “fun” I mean attaining higher levels of happiness, joy, passion, feeling alive, ect. Well, I guess you could say I’ve been distracted even from that because I’ve actually been focusing on how the fun I plan to have, could translate into a form of value for other people.

See I am creative in general, but mostly I don’t do as much with it as some other types. At least, I don’t do as much on the outside. However, on the inside things are happening.

I wonder if I could just extrovert those things that happen in my head, just express myself more fully, would would be the result. I’ve already learned lately that in conversation, the more I am able to say what is on my mind (where it’s invited) the more value and enjoyment I end up bringing to the converation. Even negative opinions of someone, if said in the right way, will come across as not a complaint but as a humorous observation of my own disliks.

Anyways, here is the brainstorm of the solo activities I enjoy and where I feel I could add value to an audience:

Books – On the rare occasion that I’m reading a book, I am not the type to just say “that was a good read”. If I am reading a book, a book I like, I will be making connections to other concepts for the duration of that read. Sadly I think reading a book is not video worthy, but the discussion about what I’ve read might be.

Also, while I enjoy writing story ideas, it could be more efficient to instead of trying to put the random inspirations into something. I could just speak about them as they come up. This leads me to, when watching a movie and I think, well wouldn’t it be cool if this happened instead. I could voice that idea.

Music – Just nodding my head wouldn’t work. However, if I can go in deep about what exactly the song makes me feel, (like I have done in some comments, with great response) I feel like I could be adding some value there as well. I could even do this with my own songs, as well as more popular songs, or just a wider variety. Also I could accept other people reccommenting me songs as people love to do. I get it. The value that comes from reccomending ones tastes to someone else. It’s like, the chance to form a connection with someone else based on something very deep. That’s gold.

Movies are one where you could actually watch and do commentary while watching. It would be like what I do anyways in my head. Something strikes me and I just go off on a tangent and think about something for a few minutes. I could have that process outloud. Ect.

Video games, same thing. I mean there are games that are enjoyable for the gameplay and for me it would be stuff like smash bros, starcraft, mtg. That stuff is goal oriented, competition oriented stuff which is also fun (with other people) but it’s not the thing I seem to fight for the most. At least, in the past it hasn’t been the thing, or the only thing, I’ve fought for. Zelda 64 was all about just exploring and learning more about the world and about people and their perspectives through the worlds they create.

Now, this is just sticking to stuff that is fun. I’m sure people could learn from watching the way I do dishes. It’s just that that might not be as attractive, as fun. So it would be better to learn possibly the same ideas, but through something I actually find fun.

I’m now wondering how much can be learned from me, just being myself, instead of actually trying to make a name as a teacher. I wonder if the the foundations of my cognitive style could somehow be summed up in how they are expressed why I am enjoying myself. This would be very valuable I think. However, it seems at least right now, that much of my congitive developement, happened through me trying to solve the problems to get me to this point. Trying to reach a state of passion and enjoyment in life, and connection with people, and meaning.

It is possible, especially with the music analysis, if I focus on the emotions, that I could be leading people in more emotional/spiritual exploration and that this would be as/if not more important than the reasoning that got me here.

I am kind of shifting to the focus of value more than fun at this point. Iunno, maybe I shouldn’t. I think I now focusing on it for the sake of seeing if I have somehting worth putting on youtube, and something good for humanity.

Anyways, so I kind of feel like that sweetspot for me for engagement, would be letting people recommend me songs and also my choice of songs being stuff more than just I enjoy. Then leading the views through my emotional analysis of myself as I listen to these songs. Not just for them, but also for me, as it would be a form of learning about myself and about the world and other perspectives. Also it activates my imagination in a far more natural way than if I just sat down trying to create stories.

Oh, this sounds familiar. I realized the same thing about learning Chinese today. I don’t enjoy making up stories just for the sake of productivity. I’d much rather be making a story based on guessing of what actually could be. It’s a form of exploration, or wonder. Sometimes that wonder is initiated by some random thought or sight or occurance. However, in cased where a person has created a sort of mystery, my imagination can often run wild in search of possibilities.

So there could be this natural trend in my productivity where I do best when I have something in front of me that is intriguing. Wether it is a written language, or my own emotional reactions to something. Also I guess you could say this creativity is a good form of problem solving and that the more indepth I can go with my digging, the more other could benifit.

The secret here seems to be in finding things that generate that intrigue. Not all things do this. Physics doesn’t often seem to do this. It’s just to of this world for me. I see possibilities far beyond it.

Letting go of need for recognition: The Joy of Sharing Interests

This post outlines my process of discovering of an overarching interest I have that is strong enough that it brings love into my life which I can give to others without expectation of return in any way.


Yesterday I was thinking the whole day of new goals I could work on. My reason was that I wanted to be known for what I was, for my potential, ect. However, that just led to a sort of stress as it’s unatural for me to just decide to do things, without actually wanting them for more intrinsic reasons.

I’m realizing further today that I probably need to let go of trying to gain any sort of recognition, at least for it’s own sake. It’s just as it is for attracting women. You attract them best when you
are living your life for you,being healthy, having fun, ect, and not for them. So I’m brainstorming what can make me happy when you take away women and take away the ego.I mean, should still want respect for intrisnic value wether or not it is admiration. Also, if wanting to be awesome is an inspired want(like, wanting to be like some idol/superhero/ect), then I guess it’s worth striving for. However I feel like I did a lot of that when I was younger and so now I want something more. I want to do things that will improve my life in more interesting an useful ways.

Anyway, I feel one thing I’m doing right that I wasn’t before, is I’m allowing myself to watch tv when I feel the need. Another thing is I’m in school around people. Whether they admire me or not is not as important. Just that there is a social exchange is pretty good.

I guess this is going into a bunch of tangents but the main thing is I realize there are two things I want focus on:

Focus on helping others
Focus on helping myself(like having more fun)

Also that helping others things might be based on fun, like extroverted energy building when teaching someone something. I rarely care if I’m admired for it. Just when I’m in the mood I see someone doesn’t know something, and I feel this urge to make sure they know it.

I guess that’s my way(way).

Two main categories of (goal oreinted)fun that I seem to focus on intensly are:

1.Being Admired (ego based, therefore expecting recognition in return for achievment)

In stuff like video games, or actually any form of goal where the value is based on what value others have prpoduced before it seems fairly enjoyable but at the same time if I look back on childhood there was a hint of obsession that developed where I would coup up in my room trying to make a deck and it was at least partly about proving myself because if I could prove that I could kick ass with such and such a deck then I would be admired, and I guess win friends?

Even stuff like writing has this feeling like I want the recognition for what I’ve figured out and achieved. However, the reality is that people don’t need a lot of what I’m writing. Not just because everyone is different, but because other people can and should figure stuff out on their own. Also because there is a difference between teaching, and showing off what I’ve discovered, I feel this feeling of recognition is not the same as times where I am helping someone with something they need help
understanding. I guess it’s different.

2.Curiousity (Interest based, not expecting anything in return)
Learning about things is extremly fun for me. I feel though that what I enjoy learning about (just for the curiousity, not to solve a problem) might be focused on the realm of people and myself. Isn’t it interesting that I cared more about cellini’s story than Da vincis note book of inventions. Well for one, Cellini’s was a glorious and entertaining tale, but I feel I generally care more about people are than what they have to teach. Unless ofcourse, what they have to teach applies to a problem or interest of mine already.

Music, Art, Language, (film/movies/stories), etc

These are all about different perspectives on the world. I guess these are higher forms of education, because instead of learning about specific concepts, you learn how to conceptualize in general. I guess philosophy stems from that, but philosophy is actually a level beneath. The study of how people think/feel/what they are/ect is the highest level education one can get. Beyond that there is a level of learning above education, which is experience.

I also spend a lot of time solving problems, and you could say this is productive, but it is far from ideal. The ideal would be to not have those problems, and be able to focus on the fun. At the same time, that fun, at least the definition I just described for me, would involve learning things that should very applicable to solving problems.

Oh btw, competition can be about learning how people think as well, and in that cause it would go under the second form of fun.

I feel that in focusing on what people are etc (including myself)(and I guess other curiousity based interests) I will automatically have things to talk about that I can go on forever about, without the focus nessesarily being on me (except when someone recognizes my contributions and observations ect by chance ( could happen a lot but it wont be my main drive)). My main drive will be enlightening people about all the cool shit that is out there. Sharing in that cool shit.

It’s making more sense now. I will teach stuff that is so interesting to me, that I can’t keep from teaching it. When I take the focus off trying to be something, I allow myself to find what is actually interesting for me (even if it’s a tv show, or a culture, ect) and tell people about it, giving that true passion to them, without even trying. I may not end up doing this through writing, or through youtube, but however it happens, I just want to make sure I enjoy it for it’s own sake. I just need something that is truly fun, in my life.

« Older entries

%d bloggers like this: