Inferior Si reaction to lack of inspiration

This first half is my inferior Si talking through my Ne:

“There should be something I can do that is more valuable to me than money,
and sex and other things that should be a given(family, doing good, ect).
Music is one, but that feels like only part of something.
One way to look at it is wonder and awe.
Like, what makes me feel alive?
To be alive is to be conciouse and the highest form of
consiousness for me seems to be in a state of awe, curiosity, ect.
Even admiration maybe, iunno.
I mean there are lot’s of things that are important to me and that I value.
I mean, even problem solving ability is something I value. I just feel like it
is already a give in that you solve problems to reach some greater state of being.

Much like I am doing now.

So I’m thinking maybe I could just assume I will always be solving problems
as long as I’m always trying to improve.

Improve in what areas though I wonder.

I think one good area would be in creating experiences.

I wonder if I want to create real live experiences for myself
or if I want to focus on maybe something like story writing. ”

Some of that might have value, but not in the tired state I was hoping to use it in.
Now comes the realization:

maybe my tiredness is pushing me into one of those Si spirals

Well I just realized once again, that adventures(in real life)
are not planned. They just happen. So if there is nothing I urgently
want to venture out to do. I guess I could focus on creating some beautiful
things. Fencing could be good to. Also if I focused on finding more
interesting people to surround myself with, maybe the adventures will just
come out of this.

So I can focus on creating my own awe, and or finding it in other people.

hmmm, yup I feel that now the disatisfaction and thinking I need to
have a more defined focus is based on inferior Si wanting too much

My life will be an adventure as long as I focus on doing things as I find
interest in them. Maybe no need to push myself. As long as I remain healthy
I’ll be happy to go with the flow a bit more and just blog and vlog about
the adventures as they unfold.

Also could be that I’m trying to do a bunch of stuff just to say I do those
things when really I just want to do music… and the other things I already

When I’m in a more positive mood, I don’t do as much trying to be something.

I just get inspiration to do things cause they seem like cool ideas.
Then I just do them.

WIth lack of sleep, I don’t get those inspirations. So maybe Si is realizing
I have no inspired direction where I should have a constant sort of stream of
inspiration. So it says, wait, you don’t have any goals, any interests?
What about your future? Better thing about that man. No time for sleep,
you don’t have a future…

So Si starts telling my Ne to search fot things I might be able to be inpired
by when the truth is the inspiration and many of the ideas come from inside
and there is no need to force them. It’s just that I’m tired.

I was thinking, I wonder if maybe humans are striving for a point where they
can just relax. What would happen in that case. I realized when I’m most
relax that is when the best ideas come (unless my mind is just blank which
takes effort mostly).

So as well as letting people find me, I think I need to just let inspiration
find me more. I assume that is how I recently got back into music, iunno.

So I will stop trying to become something, or find a goal for material for
youtube, and just let the inspiration and therefore adventure, come to
me in whatever form it does.

Of course if my inspiration tells me to search for something fun to do, that’s
different that my inferior Si telling me to do it.

I feel like this Si spiral is only made possible by modern technology especially internet ect. Without that distract and information at my finger tips I feel I’d be more ok with just going to bed and letting it go until the next day. Well anyways…bed time!


Extroverted Enneagram Type 5, Let people approach me instead

Kind of a paradox to be an extrovert who is one of the most introverted enneagram types but I feel that is my situation. This gives me even more ideas as to how best to interact with others, and way doing so in other ways doesn’t work out.

It’s almost like there is a sort of order in natural social interactions for me where when people approach me, things work out fairly well where as if I approach them things don’t work out as well and don’t feel as natural. This could be a natural thing type 5s or born with, or it could be nuture like I get approached often and get used to it, but I don’t it’s the later for some reason.

Although I am an extrovert, being type five means I’m sensitive to reactions of others. I don’t mean sensitive like getting emotional, I mean sensitive like I’m kind of a perfectionist when it comes to social interactions. Anyways, I feel this may have been what caused me social anxiety in the past, and is now what makes me feel someone inadequate when it comes to initiating conversations. However, it’s not that I don’t know how to be social, it’s more like if it wont go perfectly or very well it will be a downer to my energy levels. However, is someone else initiates it and I am reacting to them, maybe it’s like I feel like I can’t put my best foot forward in an interaction because my best foot will depend partly on what the other person wants to get out of the interaction. The same way I don’t feel comfortable telling people what to do, I don’t feel authentic just pushing myself on people. I’d rather they decide for themselves if I am someone they want to talk to.

It’s not only for my sake, I also acknowledge the possibility that an interaction with me could end up being bad for them. Not like I’m a bad person or anything but just that we might not be right for each other and end up doing more harm than good by being being introduced to each others lives. I trust myself to be able to overcome any negatives, but I don’t trust them I guess, and don’t want to hurt others unintentionally. I guess since I’ve done a lot of obvserving I can see more variables than most people and to me people seem extremely fragile.

So all that plus the general demotivation that comes from poor reception, makes me feel
more comfortable letting people come to me. Also I am very good with answering questions about topics I am comfortable speaking about. Even just trying to be funny, I can be funny but I realized I don’t feel comforable being funny for the sake of gaining friends. That does’t feel right at all. I am funny WITH friends, or for my own enjoyment or just if something comes to me, but trying to be funny isn’t me being more social, it’s me being inauthentic.

The only problem is being an extrovert means losing energy when not around people. What I’ve been doing here so far is trying to do my studying and stuff at the library or somewhere public, (and with podasts?/). Also I try to find game events and things where I am interacting with others on working towards a goal. Plus there is school with classes where I can get involved by asking questions. Then there is work, and also the gym. All this being around people gives people chances to see who I am and decide if they want to talk to me for themselves. I think the reason I get energy even from just being around people, is that somewhere in me I know that is social and it’s enough that the right relationships will come out of it.

I feel(noticed) that for all my approaching of other people this past year I’ve still made more friends from being approached than the other way around and most of the girls that seemed to like me, seemed to like me before meeting me.

People seem to think that the man should do the approaching and they make it into a sort of hierarchy thing, like dominance and submission. However, that stuff is not a concrete human thing, it’s a phenomenon that exists in interactions between certain types, of which I think I am not. For me it seems to make far more sense to let people approach me, and it also can be seen as dominance(if that is the masculine thing iunno) as I am being sought after, instead of me being the one chasing.

I can extend this even to careers. I like this blog and I like my youtube channel and things of this nature for there own sake, I’ll just say that. For careers though, it seems there are two ways to go about it. One is to go out looking for a job, and approaching employers and selling myself. The second is for employers search for me. Either because they heard of me and want my help, or because they are looking for someone with my skills and stumble across me. Although it’s safe to say that said employer must be looking for something specific for them to come across me with any reasonable probability, I also think it safe to say that a type 5 would have a a unique skill set.

Also I feel this is might be way I don’t enjoy making videos of me talking on youtube, but rather just do music. Videos don’t seem appropriate because all I want to do is express my thoughts, and mainly to myself first, and second to anyone else stumbles on them. This is done far better through writing for me, than youtube so I see no reason to use youtube. It would be like advertising mostly, and I don’t feel that is authentic for me to self advertise as if I know what other people need or even just what is worth highlighting about myself in video format. Right now I’d much rather that be based on someone elses needs. Iunno though, we’ll see.

Politics of the Passionate

 Wow, I thought I was finished but I’m not. Making a living is about people supporting you, because they support what you bring to the table. So either you believe in what you want to bring to the table, either fitness, or psychology, or whatever,  or you let other people decide what is important to you. It’s a lot like the SJ(not to say it’s only SJs or all SJs who are the issue) I had to deal with a few days ago. Do I decide to just follow the orders of the outspoken, in fear that I might be ostracized for being myself, or do I fight for what I feel is every persons right, the right to not be disturbed by someone who I feel really doesn’t give a shit about me or most people, and is content to just take what they want in life. Then do I keep silent, or do I make sure I am at all times being authentic with my views, especially my views on what I feel is important in life, authentic in what I feel is my gift to humanity, what I feel I should be supported to do.

So now I’m thinking(also based on something from personalityjunkie, that I need to be a bit more courageous when it comes to these things. I mean, I guess it’s easier to say now that I feel by following my functions in order will give me a strong productive direction in life, still, thinking about that SJ wakes me up even more because he was like a microcosm of everything I should be fighting against. Not to say it’s either me or him, just to say he thinks and he speaks for everyone in the cafe when he tells me I should do what he says, well I speak for me, and I say, I speak for everyone as well when I say I should not do what he says.  Who is right. I am pretty sure if it came down to a vote and we ignored who was more charismatic at the time it would not be unanimous. Some people would have thought I was being rude, some would have realized they wouldn’t like to have been approached that way either. Without my vote, the cafe becomes polarized in his direction. He spoke for everyone, so in a way he removed the freedom of everyone by there silence(although most were just not paying attention, I’m saying hypothetically) However, if I disagreed, I introduce a second view. Not that I want to win, just that I think I shouldn’t be forced to lose. That is what I believe in in those scenarios.

That is a microcosm of our society where in we have people wanting to work jobs that express what they think is the highest value they can offer others, and we have people working towards things mostly for themselves and who would rather the first people to just submit and work for them, and we have most people just in the middle undecided. As more people from the side of authentically working for others decide to go that route, there will be less people working for the side that works for themselves. As this happens, the undecided in the middle will also have to more further divide their support between the two sides. See, the people who work so they can share with others, really have nothing to lose because they are working for others, and inspired by what they can find, and give, they win by doing and by giving away based on their beliefs. They are therefore an unstoppable force if they decide they will all focus on giving. The ones that focus on taking, are the most unstable because they only win if they are gaining something for themselves. They win by doing and by taking. The undecided in the middle find solace in both sides. By receiving from the takers who give on the condition that they are supported in their taking, and by receiving from the givers who they are inspired to give back to if they are moved to believe in what they are receiving.

The takers make their choices fast. It’s not that they don’t have anything to offer, it’s just that they do it in a very yang way. They create order but it is order based on themselves. It is Machiavellian in that way. On the other hand the givers at this point in history in this society are being swayed more often by the takers BECAUSE most of the undecided are swayed by the takers BECAUSE the givers are still growing into their understanding of their place in the world and are not offering any alternate path. This is slowly changing as people now spend more on average on entertainment (and I’m guessing on soul searching as well) than ever. I believe it IS getting easier for people to follow what they believe in an make a difference and be supported. I just think it’s happening so slowly that the givers are getting scared that no one is going to catch them if they jump for it.

See it seems like for me having Fe as my tertiary function, I am more inclined to go with the flow of things(for the sake of social harmony), but then regret it later. However, that is only until I realize that doing so is actually worse for social harmony or at least for myself, than being authentic in my disagreement from the start. It seems all the NFs I know instead chose to go for what they believe in first, and only do what they have to in the mean time to support those wants. For me, as I said last post, I had been going based on Si, and also I think to a lesser and more big picture degree, Fe. Si for Moving towards stability by choosing the hard sciences and Fe by moving towards social harmony by aiming for a job with some company somewhere instead of striking out on my own, or maybe it’s Fe for deciding I need to make as much as the average person so I don’t feel like a loser, or Fe making money for future wife and family. So, it’s not that I should try to become an Fi user, although iunno how those work, maybe I am using it somehow.

What I need to do is go Ne for finding what is important to me, Ti (which I’ve been using to argue for why it’s important) for learning about it and developing and executing ideas, Fe for sharing those ideas with others, Si to stay healthy and if absolutely necessary do the most menial job in the mean time(which would depend on circumstances like how much money I need coming in to do what I want(the meaningful things I guess, + the fun, how many people do I need to support, ect) So if I am interested in starting a family then I’ll do what it takes to support one, but I’m not going to make that my priority when I’m not an Fe dominant. Nor will I go out searching for a girlfriend/wife, for the same reason. Nor will I do what some guy says for fear of being ostracized for standing up for what I believe in when I know I would not be happy with the alternative. That’s just compensating for an inflamed Si probably, even when it’s about loneliness, it’s the Si I think. Fe is about harmony outside the self, Si is about how you feel inside which would include extroversion needs and general well being needs of company. I guess sometimes I could fee pressured enough to use my Fe to please others for the sake of my Si, but that is moving backwards. The right way for me, is Ne seeing ideas that help people, Ti understanding how they work and implementing them for the sake of Fe’s desire for that harmony and Si feeling good about the chemical release that comes from making the world a better place.


After meeting up with friends: ENTP: Relationships > Industry & Self-Empowered = Take responsibility you social life

Or maybe philosophy is what has been saving me this whole time, and I should give it more
of a focus. It seems to me that even if I was rich, if I didn’t have the type of
relationships I wanted, I wouldn’t be happy. There is just no substitute. On the other hand
if I was poor but had amazing friends, including a hot gf, I would be very happy. I mean
I would still probably want to focus on self-improvement but it’s no subsitute for
relationships for me. I think what has been happening often is some of those relationships
will go sour and I will rationalize it as I am depending on those people and they are
not depending on me so I am the loser if things go bad, and if I need them then I must
defer to them and they will make more money than me and they will get the girls that
I want, and I should just be happy that they are doing me the favour of being my friend.

heh, maybe one to many istjs or something, Iunno. See I feel like my most authentic
self is not bringing something to “the market” but bringing something to society as a whole,
which they wont even look at unless they know me and have the connections. It makes it
seem like I don’t have any power. If I was good at something that was needed in the market
already, something people pay for already, then I would make money. However, if my
true interests don’t fall in market areas I wouldn’t be bein authentic. Therefore I would
not be free, even if I was making money. I wouldn’t be free until I was doing what I
really wanted, and maybe not even until I was being paid for it, showing that people really
do appreciate what I have to offer. If it’s just volunteer for something I feel is deserving
of payment I will probably feel undervalued.

So it seems th most authentic thing for me is to get involved with other people. Basically
althought I like my independance, it seems the way I want to express it is by being
apart of something. Now, does that make me inherently disempowered? I feel that depends
on a few things. One is my attitude towards meeting new people and in what I become
involved in. I can see it from a point of desperation where I NEED to fit in with
these people no matter what, to feel good. This way I give all my power away to them and
if they don’t respect me I’ll just take it. That is bad. The other way is to say, my goal
is to make relationships that are mutualy benificial and where we both want to help each
other because we both like each other, and I wont except anything less, so if I can’t
have that with you, I will move on to find someone for whom I can. This way it is
way healthier, not desperate, and it means two people becoming friends through the
non-desparate intrestin in enjoying life and making good things(including money) happen,
but not willing to settle for relationships that don’t include a mutual respect and

If my enjoyment in life comes from being involved in projects with people
that only really becomes disempowering if the people I want to be involved with, don’t
want to be involved with me. This way it becomes like it was throughout elemenary and junior
high school. If I decide that I am looking to do cool things with people that respect me,
and who I respect, and only that, then there is no way it will be disempowering. It’s
all or nothing. I either get the good relationships, and the money, and the fun, or I
just keep searching. That is my job. I’m not a begger, I’m not a scavenger, I’m just
someone who knows what makes them happy, and I am happy even just knowing I am going
for it, instead of something I’m not happy going for.

See if life for me were mainly about being a super hero cyborg, then ofcourse I would be
focusing on that. However, I feel people are more important to me than that, which
is what makes it so inauthentic to try to be that person who goes for that. It’s like
I’m wishing I was that person who only wanted to be super powerful, BECAUSE I think it’s
not ok to want friends, but because in reality I do want friends, I am unable to enjoy
working towards that vision.

To be authentic would be to decide to focus on making new friends, and working with cool
people. To be empowered, is to accept that it may not work out, but also to accept that
you wont stand for anything less than the love and respect you want from people and people
you love and respect, and goals you love and respect. It’s All or nothing. No settling.

I’ll just restate he importance of my value, in my area of passion, actually being useful
enough that I feel fulfilled in my contribution and as well that others are actually
helped as much as I feel they are. and useful enough that people gladly pay. I think I
stated this already, but yeah, I think if it’s the most important thing to me, it will be
worthy of payment.

Now, I did after all, realize this perspective through, well for one it was through
meeting up with a friendI hadn’t seen in years, as well as other friends I would call
closest in a way. However it is also based on my desire to make a living. HOWEVER,
more importantly it is based on my desire to make a living, and work up to making a living,
in an enjoyable way, and for me, this means working with other people I like, towards
something that affects us all (or maybe even just affects them) in a way I like. This is why
I don’t play videogames by myself. I need to know I am entertaining someone or teaching
someone or inspiring someone, ect, otherwise I see no point in improving my skill level.

I mostly don’t stick to learning something unless I’m in school with other people I get to
interact with every day.

So anyways, if I want to be all or nothing , focusing on finding cool people to do things
I believe in with, that poses the questions, should I not change myself to become more
valuable to others so they are more willing to work with me? I think no so far. For one,
because would I want to hang out with someone if I have to meet some criteria that is not
myself before hand? I mean, it’s not like I’m not interested in anything, I am still a
person. I just feel like I am not as interested in STEM and more interested in Social
Sciences and fun and intellectually stimulating fun at that. So I should find people
who r like me, and we can build each other up. If I was the only one like me, then I
guess I would not have these ideals to work towards in the first place so that is my basis
for dismissing even further, the idea that I am becoming less independant. I am no less
independant, I am just, as an independant, deciding to meet other people who I connect with
an building a bright future with them.

Then there is the question, well what if there are four of us and we come together to
do something cool? Then what? If it’s not marketable, do we get to eat?
Well here is to hoping that getting enough of us together to create something
will mean creating something amazing and if not marketable(because I’m not really interested
in the market) Will change the world somehow, not to mention some of the people I connect
with, may be already in many different areas in society, pursuiing their passions as well
and already stable, and connecting with me would just mean me adding even more to them
and their areas.

What all this means is… some people might be able to do cool things on
their own, and not need to work with anyone else to get a good job ect. Then there is me
and if I had to survive I guess I would do anything, but while that isn’t the concern I
feel like I am hard pressed to pretend it is when I think I can do even better, if only I
could find people willing to work with me. So who is willing?

From now on, maybe I will seek out people who will actually feel excitement in working with
me. Not people who might hire me. I have to do better, for a career, and for life. I will make
myself visible to the people who would respect me. Who support me because they believe in my
interests and goals and ideas.

Thoughts Before meeting friends: Focus on person security, Math

I want to feel empowered and I wonder if math can do that more than just writing can.
I mean, it’s my Si wanting career security but maybe even more so it’s wanting
independence. To the extend that a super hero would have although I don’t mean I
want to be super in that no one else has what I have, just that I think we should all
strive to be empowered.

I feel like I learned math in college only to pass tests, and even more so only
for that specific field, not for the greater purpose it could serve in my life.

I do find myself using math in my life, to the extent that I have knowledge, and
beyond that I wonder about what could be explored if i knew more. For instance, if
algorithms the body is based on can be seen in the physical manifestation. Math seems
like the quantitative half of philosophy to me actually. I have been exposed to
and developed the qualitative side in my life very well, but it seems the world
is moving in a way were qualitative study is more important. Or at least in my life,
at least with my Si, it is.

I also think, maybe what I should be focusing on is exploration in general and that
exploration is where a lot of the biggest wealth comes from, especially for someone
like me who can then make connections. What to explore though? Technology would be good
but maybe I’m just a bigger picture person but I feel like math is more interesting as
it applies to everything, where as technology is technology first. Just a tool.

People say math is a tool, and maybe it is, but beyond that I think math exists
as part of reality,even if only in that we perceive quantity, it’s important because
our perception of quantity is how we survive and a large part of how we experience

Part of me also feels like maybe if I felt a greater sense of belonging, no matter
what the field, I would feel far more secure. Is that a good thing though? I wonder
because I would only be as secure as I was a part of the community which from experience
things happen, its not absolute. It might net me a job, but would I feel completely empowered.
I have for the longest time had the fantasy of empowerment through personal power. Although
I realize I do use a lot of what society offers, not to mention my love of people.
I just wonder if my Si could be fulfilled if say I joined a writers society and could
make a living as a writer, or would I still feel like something is missing without
being able to say I could make it actually on my own.

Like john Crichton. I feel like maybe I wouldn’t be fulfilled unless I become
super human and becoming superhuman would depend more on my mind than on physical
powers, and that I need at least equally strong qualitative and quantitative power
and they both need to be very strong. It’s kind of like yin and yang. Just like
Ne and Si are like yin and yang.

I guess it is possible that I actually could do a lot more if I just focused
more on philosophy and actually read more of what they have to say, searching, asking
specific questions, and gathering knowledge. However, It seems like philosophy can only
go so far in the physical world and is mostly about perspective. I guess it is possible
to discover things about the world, that could be converted in to a quantitative thing,
but why should I limit myself when math exists already and I sometimes find it interesting.

Magic the Gathering vs Programming: Perceived value of learning material and it’s effect on motivation

Reduced perceived value by division

If you want to get someone interested in programming, one of the best ways to do that is to teach them the simplest program that runs and produces something useful. A good example is the “hello world” program. When people realize they have just made a program that communicates, it’s an empowering feeling. What is not an empowering feeling however, is to start off by teaching them about characters, ascii, bits, bytes, the compiler, ect. Not empowering because it doesn’t teach them anything actionable, that will feel valuable. My philosophy of this is that even if you know how important bits an bytes are, the mind is geared towards what is useful to it in the present. What is most useful, most valuable, most cutting edge. On the other hand if you try to teach them a full program for a game right off the bat, that will also be dis-empowering for two reasons, one is that it will take a long and frustrating time to learn something useful, and two I will explain it the next segment. Maybe we just have a natural sense of how long we should spend learning something, what is a suitable amount of time to spend to gain something valuable, what is efficient.

In Magic the Gathering, everything is an object. A card, with a few lines of text maximum that can do something. Cards like mana, and attackers and direct damage spells are like functions like hello world, and adding two numbers together. They are obvious value objects. When I was a kid, those were the cards I wanted when I started playing because to me, those felt easiest to start having fun with. I feel programing works the same way. Then you have cards that effect the other cards in play and you realize the value of those cards. At the same time, you are getting a feel for the whole game through these cards and realizing what is a good card, a bad card, what will and wont work. Eventually you will start thinking, I wish I could have a card that did this or that, then I would win, ect. That would be the development of motivation for a beginning programmer as well. So basically I feel like programming shouldn’t even be taught line by line. They should be taught function by function, object by simplistic object. Then slowing things should be combined together creatively and strategically to create new things. Then eventually the basic logic will sink in and the person will think, it would be cool if the function did this instead, only as it’s a program and not cards, they will be able to do that, and have the background to know what to do.

Reduced perceived value by summation

I realized when I try to follow tutorials, I feel inspired around the beginning when they show one thing, one function and how it works. I follow the instructions and create the same function and get it to work and I understand exactly how it works and it’s cool. How ever, as they try to teach further by building onto that same module, I find that understanding takes more and more effort as all these things are being introduced as part of the whole instead of shown in isolation first. Not only that, but seeing them as only parts of the whole, shows them in a light of being only useful as part of that whole, instead of as valuable as individual entities. Therefore, the more things are taught in this way, the less I will feel I am actually learning. For example, you learn how to print out hello world. Your first program amazing. Then you learn how to print hello world in a window based on inputted data, just for example. The detracts value from both of those ideas when they are introduced as one whole. It would have been better to introduce the idea of imputing data separately. The inputting co-ordinates separately, then showing a window, separately, ect then putting them all together.

In Magic the Gathering, we are not introduced to the game by someone handing us a deck. At least not as kids, at least not for me. For me, I saw a blue mana, and a few other cards and said wow wtf is that? What does that say? Tap for mana? What is mana? What does this thing do? If someone handed me a full deck, I’m thinking I would explore it card by card and try to play with maybe a few cards only, like I did at the beginning as I was only given like 5 or 6 cards by a friend. I study each card individually and then try to use two of them together to make something happen, then I get more cards and add them and try to explore and make more things happen. At the same time, kids would be telling me, this is a “good card”, this is a very good card, This card might seem like it sucks but you need it for this card, ect. So you realize all the cads have a kind of intrinsic value, instead of it being just one big deck. I feel that programming should be taught as separate functions. I mean,  feel each concept or function introduced should be introduced in isolation in it’s most basic usable form, so it’s value can be understood better and therefore learning it would be more motivating.

What I’m doing

So what I realized is that these tutorials for pygame were just going to far without enough introductions and so I decided not to completely scrape what I was working on, but to kind of take out anything besides the minimum viable product and then slowing work in more things. I feel like sometimes I get ahead of myself, trying to create something new without having enough background at it just makes me feel nauseous because I know deep down that I’m just wasting time. It just get’s to me because I feel like maybe all the smart programmers learned everything just by being smart lol, and that unless I try to emulate that and basically reinvent programming, I would be any good. I actually feel that’s one of the bad ideas I learned from my college professors, like if I don’t want to learn this way maybe I don’t like real programming and just want to copy. However, not only does that seem silly when I think about it but since it’s not fun at all for me to think about it, I might as well not go about learning that way. Sure these programming languages were developed by people over time, but that doesn’t mean beginners should feel obligated to do the same thing.

I am working with pygame creating plat formers and I’m going to have a look at most of the needed functions and concepts in isolation first, as created by someone else, and then work on putting them together to make something interesting. I mean, I might have to follow tutorials, but I’ll just take out every function they introduce and try it out in isolation first. Btw I feel like I find the physics engines in game programming to be interesting. Not sure why that is, I guess my Ne sees the possibilities for alternate physics realities and find it interesting. It gives me a sense of power as well, but maybe it’s the Ti can sense that something like a physics engine is empowering for me to grasp, even if without the financial potential, and it’s motivating. I mean, I like music, but you would think I would get more psyched up about creating a killer song and want to experiment with music all the time but it obviously doesn’t work that way. It doesn’t feel constructive enough for me and I feel that could be my Ti talking. So I feel like I have this need to do something constructive. I feel I have always had that, and remember my first time feeling basically euphoric over a k’nects set as a kid. I mean, I guess I could feel a similar feeling from running a business but why go through all that trouble when I don’t have to. I also wonder why I’m less interested in mechanical engineering and stuff like that but I’m guessing that stuff is less cutting edge and also harder to get into than programming. Even my university classes mostly psychology don’t feel very constructive to me and therefore not as much fun. I feel like maybe the reason why I feel bored is that I need something constructive but am finding so much discouragement from lack of social atmosphere in the areas I’d like to construct in, as well as discouraging teaching methods by teachers who don’t understand/remember what a beginner enjoys.



Would everyone be more empowered if they suddenly loved Math?

Note: Maybe replace “math” with “programming” in most instances, even the title. Although I feel in programming some teachers do encourage trying to do things a different way, I feel it doesn’t reach all who would benefit.

Both magic the gathering and programming use a lot of the same logical way of thinking. The obvious difference is programming is way more in depth while magic the gathering is more social and easier especially considering most people focus more on play than on deck building, or so it seems to me.

I was just watching Steve Jobs, mainly to see how an entp goes about leadership and what is background was that led to that. I was wondering also how much into technology he was and so far from a second documentary I am hearing Jobs was the hippy(visionary) and woz was the geek(engineer).

Anyways, some of his most powerful words were “Think Different” and this lead me to a though about another difference between how I play games vs how I was trying to do things like programming. When it comes to games, MTG, Starcraft, ect, my most important goal, more important than winning, is to be creative, unique. To make a deck that does work efficiently, but in a way no one has thought of before. If I couldn’t do that, I didn’t want to play. However when it comes to programming, my thing was, I better do this the right way otherwise I’ll never get paid. However, trying to function that way, basically I am limiting my Ne and maybe my Fe even if it’s about self-expression in a way. So if I do that with all my work related things, focus on doing things the way they have always been done, I’ll never fully express myself. I realized after listening to Jobs, that although it must have been obvious how big a deal his ideas would be, it seems to always take a degree of courage to think different. Especially when it is actively discouraged in school, for example when teachers want assignments done a certain way, if you don’t do them that way you lose marks. Now I’m wondering, not only, should I follow my Si and go for stability, or try to fin  balance by doing the stable job like programming, but using Ne by being creative, and Ti by choosing a job demanding in logic like programming, as well as Ti to make the decision on the job field.

So I’m wondering if that’s what I need. I mean, how can engineering a cad game deck, be so much more fulfilling than engineering something with an economic function. Well I guess it could be the social aspect, but I wonder if it’s the self-expression in general. I mean, to be honest, I feel my ability to be unique is one of my biggest strengths. Even if I don’t end up being the best at starcraft, I get to be the best at my way of playing, and I’d prefer that, to being the best at someone else’s. I express something, new. A new way of doing things that no one else has thought of, so it’s like I become a pioneer in it and become a teacher.

If I were to do any more programming, one way I could do it, is to focus on doing every little thing, a different way than I’m taught, but that is still effective. I don’t aspire to be a Steve Jobs or anything, but I aspire to feel fulfilled and wonder how best to go about that. I can imagine how Jobs must have felt at 19 realizing he is on the cutting edge of something so revolutionary. If I could somehow stumble upon something like that, maybe in neuroscience or programming, it would be amazing. Although I wonder if at my age I would still get so excited about something like that, as I would as a late teen. I feel like I’ve wondered so much about the world that I see anything as possible either way. Although  do surprise myself with my philosophical/psychological ideas.

So I feel like have a few options, school will be a part of all of them so that factor will be omitted.

1) Part time work and just relax (if that’s possible) (jog ect)
2) Part time work and try to find even more stable work (freelance or company) (for the sake of stability, Si)
3) Part time work and search for the next revolution (Ignore Si and hope it goes away) (Jog)
4) Part time job and work on something like programing with a “think different” perspective

Note: Steve Jobs studied Zen which is like a study of the nature of things, and he focused often apparently on space and form (spacial intelligence like I wrote about in an earlier post). It seems he put everything into that one purpose of Apple lol. Maybe a bit into pixar when pushed.

This post illustrates how I think kids are taught that they shouldn’t try to be creative when it comes to STEM. I mean, although at least technology is all about invention, it seems that kids are taught that the mathematical foundation, that they need, must not be tampered with, but must be learned as dogma mostly, force fed, at least until higher years of university. I feel like the way some kids are taught, kids that would really love math and sciences, just turns them off of it, but with no where else to turn they will be less empowered. I feel like the only way I will really feel empowered in life, regardless of how much I can support the urges of my Si, is if there is a synchronicity between the things I love doing, and the things that add the most value and are most fulfilling.

See one of the things that empowers me the most, is my ability to create something new. To do things in a different way. I feel it’s like, how I express infinity. How I express the universe. Expressing myself in this way and no one can be better than me at anything because I can always just do it a different way that no one has thought of (as I think most things have infinite solutions with infinite uniqueness), so it’s like I suddenly have something to teach them already. That is one of the main things that inspires me to keep working at things I want. Knowing I have no competition.

Inferior Si Vs Ne Dominant and career search solutions, and Ti

Inferior Si

why I chose to study a subject in college that wasn’t my main interest.

why I felt like I should keep dating someone when my Ne, and my Ti where against it

why I had a long spell of anxiety and hypocondria during the college

why I feel trapped by my Ne’s desire to keep exploring more options

Apparently understanding my Si is something that is supposed to happen in my 30’s , but I guess because I have so many resources at my disposal now, I am understanding things even sooner.

See I am trying to be true to myself, and what true to ones self is for most people doesn’t seem to be what it is for
and ENTP. For me it seems more based on what is practical in that my Ne will be satisfied in that it can keep exploring things that are interesting, and also that my Si will be satisfied in that I will have some stability. Just as in relationships, it’s not as much about the romantic feelings for me.

I need that balance. Jogging helps bring that balance to me just in how it improves my health, but still, I think my Si wants self-sufficiency and even more decisiveness in my goals. When I am in school full time, my Si is satisfied because I have somewhere to be almost every day and I’m around people and learning, and have goals to work on. When I study a few days for a test and then complete it and do good, afterwards I feel kind of high because of the achievement. I think Fe might enter into the picture as well with me feeling even better than I am a part of a class, and we all took the tests. However, I think even on my own like with something like programming, it can help my Si relax because I am doing something I know is valuable. The trick is doing something I know is working towards more independence, while at the same time that gives my Ne enough freedom. So I think I’ve used Ne a lot over the past 2 years to explore ideas, to make up from the 3 years I followed my Si and mostly ignored my Ne. Now though my Si, is screaming about it, I have to use Ti? to make decision based on both Ne and Si?

Writing seems like the best option. Focusing on the study of psychology, and writing about certain areas, MBTI probably a big one, would allow my stability as I can produce real value others can use, and also it will allow Ne enough freedom because I can write about anything as long as it’s valuable so I can choose things that I find interesting(meaning I’ll be better at it and enjoy it), I will have more independence because I’m writing and don’t need a whole research team at all times(good for Si) and I can rely more on my ability to make connections and coming up with new insights and ideas using Ne and Ti. Fe even, because as I write about these things, I will attract an audience, a community around myself and my interests and will be helping people. Also I can write fiction on the side and would have an audience and more interesting material to weave in. Also I can write about what I’m studying in school ahead of time and possibly get paid for my insights on it.

Electronics was not using my interests, although I wonder if there is a reason some entp are interested in technology while others aren’t I assume it isn’t a reflection on intelligence or balance of personality. I assume it’s based on other genetic factors that wont have an affect of life quality. I was never too interested in technology, always more philosophical which I think is also very Ti, just not as practical. Maybe I just had other interests that over shadowed technology, or also I didn’t have parents who are very into technology and our family was late in getting a computer, ect. Also I was simply always more interested in what I could become as a human being, which had very little to do with technology, I was way more into psychology and physiology, and still am.

I also wonder if part of wanting independance is for personal development reasons of Ti? Like, my passion for freedom, being able to do whatever I want, ect. This would mean both my introverted functions want my independence. Although I feel Ne would also want freedom, which independence brings.


Volunteerism = RPG Lifestyle: ENTP Volunteer Ideas

I basically blew my mind last night about this so now I want to put everything together again here.

In RPG an games in general, people are willing to do things for no reward except the fact that they are contributing the a world that does not even exist. As well, people exercise, walk, jog, ect, use physical energy for no reason. However, actually helping people in the real world for free most people don’t enjoy. Well, people exercise to not become unhealthy. I figure it’s that in video games the persons desire to make a significant contribution is satisfied where as in most jobs and volunteering it doesn’t seem to be the case. If it did, the person would enjoy helping, in much the same way as in hunter gatherer societies, bringing food back for the tribe was rewarding in itself.

For me, I am hard pressed to have some one pay my for working on a task I’m not “qualified” to do. However, I still want to work on those task. I realize that as a rational type, I find most satisfaction while working towards solving a problem. Probably not everyone feels this way but I do, and to the extent where I feel most alive, and maybe even most social, when I am working with people to achieve something. Especially(most) something I feel uses my at least some of my strengths.

I feel that for me at this point where I’m not qualified to be paid to do anything I feel is worth while, volunteering, especially in many different areas is probably the best way for me live basically. I mean, I need time for myself, just like I would take breaks from gaming, just not this much.

So what type of volunteering do I want to do? Well I realize if it doesn’t use my strengths I wont enjoy it or be motivated to do it. So what I think I would enjoy in whatever area I work in, is research. Working in research means building knowledge which is one small step way from applying that new knowledge, or using it to develop new ideas. However, research is not easy to get into, even on a volunteer basis, without at least some experience with statistic software ect. This makes me thing I should learn that stuff first, and fast. That makes me think I should either learn it ahead of time for my classes, or start a research group with some other people and find causes to research on. This way we can motivate each other and help each other learn fast. It just seems to me that even doing something that is my strength, like research, without the element of working with other people, it doesn’t feel meaningful. Like needing a quest in a video game.

I mean, maybe if I conducted research by asking people about their research, it would be social. That’s another idea. So conducting interviews with people about their research?

So my ideas so far(mainly for psychology):

– Volunteer as a researcher at school or with some other organization (probably mental hospital ect) *Quest style*
– Start a research club at school and/or online and pick a few good problems to focus on *Visionary style*
– Start a solo research project based on interviews (podcasts, youtube, or maybe just blog) *Casual relationship building style?*
– Do all of these*

Also another thing I think about is that I enjoy research when there are breakthroughs. “aha moments”. So I need to pick an area where I can have those or I’ll get bored fast. That’s another reason I prefer psychology over something like physics. In psychology, I am already having aha moments all the time.

Thoughts on fulfillment: Quests: See the last 2 paragraphs to learn about quests in real life!

*Long story short, and I mean long long story, I think the hero archetype that was inspired in me from movies, videogames, anime ect growing up could be fulfilled through volunteering with people where my strengths will be utilized. This would mean I could feel fulfilled long before any career becomes apparent. *

For a number of years, since high-school I guess, my focus, my obsession, was of becoming a hero of some sort. It was like, by biggest fantasy. I feel like my psyche was being built up to something. Something I was being more and more inspired to and attracted to by all the cool things I read and watched and played. Then my perspective when through some changes throughout college and I guess I become less optimistic about my passion. I started to feel like, to life out this fantasy of being the hero, taking pleasure in helping the helpless, is in a way unethical, not to mention what it would do to my self image and my outlook on reality if I achieved my goal. It would be a transitional period to say the least.

However, after giving that passion up, it seems I have nothing to fall back on. The only thing close to being such a hero, is in my dreams and in my fantasies. Next closest is this idea I had about simply being an “upstanding citezen”. Leading by example by doing the right thing in every situation. To me that then meant just doing what would make me happy, which I possible already disqualified myself from and with it off the table I simply looked at other options like music, art ect.

However, tonight I thought about the idea of a career, and work, and what it’s all about really. It’s all about contributing to society. So I can either contribute as a self sacrificing obligation, or simply for the money, or I can do something I actually find fulfilling. Either way the goal of contributing is to “do one’s part” in improving the world. The most fulfilling thing, may be to live out my fantasies of saving the world, or at least having the largest possible impact I can which I both hope and assume would mean using my strengths. I feel like what developed through what I might call the process of individuation that went on after highschool and through college, was philosophical for the most part, although I did develop a large knowledge base in general. I just feel that the thoughts I was having that were fulfillment oriented were based on heroism and philosophy/ethics.

I just put on the final fantasy X soundtrack because I feel like it really stands for everything I want out of life. The fulfillment of having a major impact through the use of my strengths, or at least the biggest impact possible and for it to be through my strengths, and then the adventure that comes with that lifestyle. See I’m not content to just be a student, taking in information. I feel like I need to be using my creativity in the way that will benefit the world the most. One thing that may be keeping me from using my creativity may be my environment. If I’m not around other people, hearing about their challenges, and in a position where I can make changes, then what can I do. What would even motivate me to do anything. So in someways I feel society itself stands in the way of me being fulfilled in contributing as I am not being given a chance. Not to say I am qualified, I couldn’t say. However, the difference between real life and video games, is in video games you are always qualified to contribute to saving the world. From the very start, you get a quest. There is no 4 year waiting time. There is not chrysalis stage of being/feeling removed from the rest of the world, in some bubble.

In good video games, the protagonist/player is invited to another world that needs their help. I guess in reality, the only way we can get the feeling of being needed in that way is if we make the effort to be involved. Once we make that effort, volunteer effort, in places where we actually fit in, where we know or strengths will be needed, we can get inspired by the surrounding needs, and in the case of entps, we can come up with ways to improve the situation for the people we are helping. It seems that as societies get larger, the rite of passage to become a contributing member of it becomes less and less defined, and less and less supported. However, I might even say this leaves people less self-actualized than men and women were/are in hunter gatherer societies where the work is already ct out for them. In hunter gatherer societies when men come back from a hunt, if they have caught something, their testosterone rises as they make their way back to the village with their food. It’s like a reward for a job well done. Not the best job relative to the nuclear physicists or whatever, but the best in context of their society. They are the heroes. Not only that, but the society supports I’m sure at least almost every one of them to learn as soon as possible how to be a contributing member of society in a that is very needed, that will have a huge impact on the welfare of the society. However, I guess I’m searching for that same level of impact, but in a way more advanced society, which does not see one person as having too much potential to affect it. So at the very least I will find a tribe/tribes within this society where my contributions will have that level of impact. That’s how this works I guess.

I enjoy helping my renovate his basement because I do have insights that end up being useful to him. Like more efficient ways of doing things. I might have to just volunteer in a lot of different places because it’s going to be hard to figure out exactly where my strengths will be best used. Academic areas will be a great start, so I hope to volunteer as a tutor for psych. However, I might need to volunteer in *politics, *governement or law enforcement, or some other socially aware campaigne in order to really get that sense of fulfillment. It’s not that I don’t have my own ideas. It’s just that most of them where inspired in a bubble and so they are less useful to the real world than what comes with actual experience of the world, not to mention I am less inspired to implement ideas with no meaningful target society. Also I wouldn’t mind starting smaller with more local organizations that I would be willing to support. I’d probably be going for non-profit, start-ups, ect, and probably ones doing more open-minded things so I feel more connected and useful.

****To end this post, I will say this, if anyone is interested in starting a local quest style thing where you get the names of organizations based on personal preferences, strengths, mbti, that a person would enjoy seeking quests from, I feel this may help put society on the right track as far as helping people find fulfillment earlier on in life. ****

I may do this at least for myself and the post the orgs for anyone else local to try as well.



« Older entries Newer entries »

%d bloggers like this: