ENTPs Optimism and the Afterlife

I am wondering what the deal is with ENTP among rational types when it comes to religion. Maybe there is no strong correlation, but I have a feeling there is. I have a feeling that AT LEAST it is that we are less likely to be decisive about what we believe. More likely to be agnostic.

Anyways my main topic is how an ENTPs views of religion may change when they are under stress. I have really just myself as the anecdotal evidence of the idea I’m going to try and prove. The idea is that ENTPs being possible one of the most optimistic types when we are in a good mood, would ideally at least not be atheist. We would at least be closer to hoping there is something out there, than to thinking when we die nothing happens.

My situation as far as I can remember is that when I was at my highest so far, back in high -school, I was also at my most religious or most contemplating of religion. Or at least I was most optimistic about what happens after we die. I was pretty much 100% that we would go somewhere even cooler that where I was.

However I need to mention that religion can be a double edge sword depending on which one you chose. Christiantiy is a religion with as much negative ideas as positive as far as I recall (have not read the bible front to back or even close) There is heaven, and there is also hell, let’s leave it at that. SO when I became stressed, it wasn’t automatically that I would not believe in an after life. Instead I would think well maybe I wont end up in heaven, or maybe I will be punished, etc. Not to say the religion is the cause of my stress, just that as a framework it as elements that lend themselves well to being tied up in any anxiety I may already have.

Next, at what might have been my most stressed out I had kind of an existential crisis which lead to the Descartian skepticism which isn’t delusional at all, just not optimistic. This remained until now (years later) and I will probably always have it as one perspective of many. However, I feel that as I exercise more and  become more optimistic it is likely that at least my dominant views of the afterlife will become more hopeful and less skeptical.

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Motivation Strategies

One of the most important is simply being sure of what you want to accomplish, and sure of what you are willing to sacrifice (namingly, the distractions, things that feel good short term but really hold you back from fulfilment).

For instance, be sure you want to head in a general direction of making a living through whatever means you’ve chosen, AND have learned that video games are no longer fulfilling and so worth sacrificing. Just an example.

Also what I learned recently, is to look at what I need to feel fulfilled, critically. I mean, I was reading this blog were a lady pointed out all the passionate artists including herself who DID somepoint end up nearing the starving artist senario. She then decided she shouldn’t love her passions more than they loved her back, meaning if they can’t provide her basic needs…I guess this is obvious, but going in it probably wasn’t.

I just realize though that for me passions are there but making a living off of them isn’t really a necessity. That would be like trying to use a hammer to solve every problem. I am focusing on web development front end because not only is this an in demand job, but the skills for it can be used to support my passions as well. For instance, blogging, photography, music, etc.

Next, and this lady I was talking about before mentions this too, that in finding something that can support you, you may find in it/through it, something you love, but just couldn’t see until you did it. I have a variation on this which is that sometimes it helps to start with the title page, or the design and appearance of something, because it can then motivate you to build it out further into something real. Like, once I build the front of a website, if it’s really beautiful I think, “if only it was a functioning site…”, and this is motivation to turn it into one. Steve Jobs started with this process for Apple as well, creating the appearance of the device first, and fitting all the functionality into it.

This might not work for everyone , but for me since I have a large appreciation for beauty, this is a huge motivator for me.

The next huge motivator for me, is music, another form of beauty. I am realizing that a lot of that vibe I got from video games and anime and movies that made me want to be in that world, was the music. The music adds a lot of meaning to the experience, a lot of emotion.

I feel like I’m at the point where I only want to do things that further me towards my goals. Although I still like to check out the odd anime. So it’s like, all that is missing is that the pursuit of my goals not leave me feeling empty. Music helps greatly with this, as does working on things that will be aesthetically pleasing.

Not sure how I came to view web dev as a good option actually lol, I guess I’ve been considering it for a long time though. Out of all the options, I guess web dev seems like the one that’s most likely to work out in the near future, which is I guess important for me as I’m in adult hood and still at home. Also it’s a skill that runs paralell with my personal goals in many ways. It’s actually the only thing keeping me from acting on many of my other goals, as if I could just create communities around my interests I’d be able to do a lot.

I’m just trying to figure out why this is such a good solution for me. I’m sure it won’t be the answer for everyone so I’m taking a birds eye view on what is bringing me to this decision. I guess it’s just that though, that it’s inline with my personal goals, including my long term goal for personal freedom to work how I please and on what I please.

I still plan to attend school for psych/phil because I like school. However, I am expecting my job to be in web dev well before anything comes out of my traditional education.

It’s interesting that this goal and how it would be a skill I might want to learn on my own anyway, is not one that is strictly a passion. It’s like a support for a passion. It seems a lot of artists etc focus only on their skills as artists. The ones who do are I guess specialists and if that is the case them most likely they are devoted enough and will get where they want.

I on the other hand I guess I’m more of a generalists. I dabble in lot’s of things, although I do feel I have some areas where I am doing extremely well. It’s more like, I WANT to be able to do everything, and so this kind of includes the things that I’m not passionate about in an artistic way, but appreciate for their value. So maybe that type of characteristic is what would lead someone to find jobs that build skills that support their passions without strictly being their passions. Hm! lol.

aesthetics and diagrams, obfuscation and fun

Based on the half dream I’ve been having for the last
few hours where I’ve somehow been mulling over the idea of
creating art out of a learning experience.

I remember one part where I had created a website? or maybe
more of a digital art collage? but with parts you could
click on to make things happen.

It was very intersting and beautiful, and seemed to be filled
with images that were symbolic of concepts and were connected
together. SO it was kind of like an artistic diagram.

I think it was a lot of electronic concepts actually…but maybe
other things as well.

Also my music “what age means” was playing along with it.
I either was displaying it to others, or imagining the time when
I might do so, and it was inspiring.

Now that I’m awake I find a paralell to the way I’v been trying to
learn hanzi which is that I’ve been making diagrams that show the
connections, and I plan to use a ruler to make even neater looking
diagrams as they actually seem like the most beautiful thing in
my journal.

Also the diagram was almost like a game, or a movie, I remember,
like it was fun and an experience. That would be good for
a method of study. To create something I enjoy re-experiencing.

I enjoy reexperiencing my music, that’s for sure.

This is interesting though, because it’s like I got a glimse
of a possibility, one that could be revolutionary in learning and
art and I guess in my life, and now I can try working backwards to figure
out how to get there.

So, if I want to create an experience I’d enjoy again, well what seemed
to really help in the dream was that the music went directly with the
images…so I guess it was animation…so like, like amvs??!!

That could be awesome, because I enjoy watching my amvs repeatedly!

Poetry was like…one level above simple diagrams, in the artistic sense,
but I struggled to make them fun to recite as they seemed devoid of
artistic expression.

It could be that my artistic expression is more logical and so creating
stories and poetry that don’t express logical things, things worth
understanding, it ends up being not relevant or meaningful to me.

So maybe, like the hanzi diagrams, it would be better to focus on
making the method of diagraming, more beautiful, instead of
obfuscating the knowledge with art. So, using art in a way that
enhances understanding instead of the opposite.

So for example, the pie chart, could be seen as a form of aesthetics
simply because it’s a way of symbolizing something visually that is
more EFFICIENT(as efficiency and beauty are related).

rhyme works, when linking relevant facts together. However, rhyme that
links facts together but through adding in irrelevant untasteful information
, might not be as beautiful.

animation works well because it is a way of visualizing something that
otherwise wouldn’t be visualized. Along with sound effects, music,
and art in the drawing of symbolic images, it because very aestehtically
pleasing, some times even creating a whole other world around the
concept when the animation, sound fx ect come together well enough. Then
there is no need for extra irrelevant information.

This can be seen as an ENTP goal actually. By that I mean, it could
be a thing that all entps are built to do somehow, or that is on of their
highest forms of self expression. For example, Steve jobs revolution
of Apple, and pixar, was at is base, about this. Adding aesthetics
to the expression of information.

Leonardo Da Vinci was also about this, or at least his drawings
of inventions in his notebooks etc, and the way he painted, it was
conveying information in the most effective way possible.

It could be why I like electronics more than programming…because I
get to see more diagrams in electronics. Even the actually creation
of deviced, involves wiring connections together between different
components.

Maybe if programming could be done in this wayWow, with code blocks
connected together. Even parts of algorithms should be visualized
as components. Actually, even math itself could be visualized as
being made up of components. Even philosophy could be.

Wow, I learned so much by going to bed early…enough that I woke up
3 hours in to write all this.

When I look at the diagrams in my hanzi journal, they just seem like
…like expensive. Like the most expensive thing in my journal, the
most significant. (also it’s the only thing written in pen lol, but
still.

So maybe, to me, I enjoy the expression of connectedness, or at
least I am more sensitive to it, than most people, and so it is
art, and beautiful, to me.

So maybe I can enjoy learning anything, if I can just express the
connections between things within and between feilds in the most
effiecient way possible.

This is a new form of communication so I wonder if it could
become it’s own language somehow lol.

As I searched for the word “obfuscated” I came across the
international obfuscated c contest. It’s so cool. It actually
would make programming fun…For one thing it is actually comical
in a way that is smart so it’s like…a new and maybe improve form of
comedy. Second it’s so creative and it’s a creativity for the
purpose of entertainment, and possible even just fulfillment in
ones ability to create something so crazy.

It’s weird that so many programmers seem so passionate about just
creating things that are functional. I feel like obfuscated c is
way more fun and maybe even a better learning experience, beyond when
you want/need to know something. I’ve searched programming poetry
before and while the philosophy was cool sometimes, the actually idea
of doing it was not. It seemed like it would just take energy away from
me. It didn’t present a specific challenge where I would gain energy and be
inspired by, but instead it seemed draining as poetry without reason
often seems draining.

Obfuscated c on the other hand is like, purposely doing meaninglessly complex
stuff. It is actually like a skill that you can develope and it’s
actually comical and fun.

It’s almost like an attack on the standardization of programming,
and for me just the irrelevance of programming to my life.

I mean, the dullest thing I’ve learned so far is making data based
for websites. However, if I gave myself permission to create the
most messed up databases, maybe I could actually enjoy
the learning process at least.

Really what obfuscated c seems to do is it opens my mind to creative
possibilities without limiting it to things that are needed by the
real world or following real world standards of efficiency. Basically
it brings the imagination back into the equation where otherwise I
would always be depending on someone else’s idea of how things should
be done. Now the whole goal of programming is to do things the way
they “shouldn’t be done” which means I can use every possible peice
of information and weave it all into doing something the wrong way,
because the wrong way, becomes right.

Why is the wrong way fun? So I think it’s because it’s not limited to
someone else’s methodology for one, but for two it’s because it depends
on you ….

just wow…I mean I wish I had thought of that earlier, like, instead
of learning from books, I could just do things the wrong way on purpose,
trying to see how wrong I could do it.

So theses are two ways of learning. One is using art to communicate
ideas more efficiently and it will be beautiful. The other is to
use ideas in the least efficient way on purpose, and using
creativity to make them the most ineffiecent, and this will
be comical.

Actually, obfuscated c reminds me of how I play mtg. I try to pick really
weird cards or combinations and make them work. So when I do this,
the game becomes about my deck making ability as much as my play
ability. I don’t do it in a funny way nessesarily, but more like a way
to challenge myself. I guess it helps that mtg is social, but still I
wonder if I could do the same with obfuscated c. Instead of going for
comical, go for something different that expresses me. Like how I go
for making music that is more obscure sounding. I can express myself in
code by my choices of what tools to use for a specific job, instead of
going for the tools recommended. In this way I also would be making
mini challenges like, “do this part without using printf” etc.

I wonder though, because this seems more social than more art related
things…

Well also I guess it’s just that, duh the right or best way of doing things
is often not that hard to figure out. It’s not as challenging, at least
for my style which looks for more possibilities, as trying to make
somethign more “interesting”.

So really it’s not about it being “detail oriented”, it’s about
it being to common knowledge…I like exploring what is possible,
and the way to do that in programming, at least until I reach some
master level where I just know how things should be done better than
anyone else, unless/until that happens it’s best to flex my creative
muscles through obfuscation and doing things in different ways
regardless of what is more efficietn, but just focusing on what could
actually be possible outside of how things are usually done.

So for things based on logic such as strategy games, programming etc,
artistic expression seems to come through individual choice in how to
do things. So it’s best to give ourselves permission to do things
in whatever new and creative ways we want in order to express ourselves.

In music and other fine arts this plays a role, but also individual
tastes like musical tastes, play a big role.

In things like physical labour, artistic expression seems to come
, at least for me, from a combination of pure physical intensity, and
creative efficiency of momevement.

Now, artistic expression in the actual learning process, that seems to
be more about just the way the information is laid out.

Actually the idea of obfuscation can be applied in many interesting
ways it’s so cool that I just found this through googling and that
google autocorrecting to the “ed” ending helped me get there.

I could make a store, that is made of CSRs who standing in formations
to create iles etc.

I could also make a store where everything is just drawn in the snow
but have security gaurds protecting it, being really serious.

JUst taking a goal, and finding very weird ways of accomplishing that
goal. That is one power I have that most people don’t and that people
will probbaly find very useful or at least entertaining.

If I want adventure, that is one really good way of getting it.
I feel like that is the kind of thing I would do in video games
but should also do in real life more. STYLE! Cool style!

Also, to obfuscate can mean, to make dark/(er). So in a way it is
gothic. It is venturing out into the unknown, the unbeaten path,
the mysterious, and expressing that, maybe in a way becoming that.

I have two things now to think about. Perposeful obfuscation,
and aesthetics diagraming. Both are interesting and seem fun.
One seems more fun in the moment though and more connected to
doing. Although, AH, I could use obfuscation in my creation of
diagrams maybe…but not in a way that adds irrelevant info, just
that that form of organiziation could be more obfuscated.

Meaning you might have to work harder to extract the meaning,
but it would be interestin to create, and could lead to
actually innovation in creatin diagrams. IUnno.

Brings me to think of entps as dancing with death but maybe more
accuratly, with darkness, as we search the darkness, the unknown, through
ourselves, for new possibilities, where as most people are content to
just use what is known and there already.

Productivity: Complete it in a Day”

Summary: For certain long term goals, especially learning, create relevant projects that you can complete in a day, and then every day create and complete one of those, eventually forming a collection of completed projects that are the equivalent of that goal, in scope.

Link: This concept comes partly from : http://blog.programmersmotivation.com/2014/06/19/beginner-programmer-want-learn-programming-start-build-crap/

I just notice that as a motivational tool it applies to any job. It’s that as long as you start and complete something (I say the same day but just sooner rather than later) you will reap the reward of having something you have produced. By this I mean, you will have done something REWARDING.

For instance, think about video games with levels short enough they can be COMPLETED in one sitting. Enemies are defeated (completion). Items are discovered and COLLECTED. ( Being able to collect something seems to be motivated as well. I wonder if this is because as you collect more things you gain more reference to which of those things are better/worse. Is there a relationship also between collecting and personal history maintenance or something?

When you lift weights, you COMPLETE sets. I could go on about all the things where you achieve a form of completion within the same day and how you remain motivated to start of the same task again. As well, I could also probably find many things where if you don’t complete said task, it has a negative psychological if not psychosomatic effect. Failing reps in a set of weight lifting for example. Task based work is far more addictive than long haul things or leaving things incomplete.

I notice my music making productivity has increased a lot ever since I decided that when I make a song I’ll just do it the same day, same sitting, etc, unless inspired otherwise. Also that I’ll see it as exploration rather than trying to make it as good as possible, although I’m exploring what sounds good of course.

I wonder if I could apply this concept to all the goals I have. Just try to make and complete a thing related to my goal. I mean, when it comes to goals that would take a long time to complete otherwise. I instead set up a new standard of achievement for myself by first choosing completable versions of that longer goal. This is important, it’s not mini-goals. It’s full on finished products. Just that I stick with products that can be achievable in one sitting, or two, and that are versions or related enough to the long term goal that eventually they could make up that longer term goal.

For example, instead of a game with 100 different elements. Create 100 games, each with one of those elements. I mean, you can do more if you actually want to. I also imagine it being helpful and more fun, to slowly increase the difficulty of the tasks, but not like, first task takes 1 day, second task takes 10 days. I mean, 1 min increase/day on average, or just being able to do more in the same amount of time because you know more. Keeping it really easy.

Another way to do this is just set a minimum of completing a daily task in one of the areas you want to focus on, and let the other areas be bonus. This way if you really feel like working longer on the first task like if you get a jolt of creativity or are just bored and want to keep things interesting, and you go overtime it’s cool. Iunno about this yet tho.

My inspiration for this is seeing some really productive people out there and wanting that for myself, but also wanting it to be fun or at least be able to keep my motivation. Doing things in this task based way I think has the potential even to become a form of adventure. I mean, I would be doing something different every day for sure, and I would be finishing everything I start. I would be able to look back on what I’ve done before. Watch the collection grow.

If I were to do this, it would help to not allow myself time to do as much random entertainment, which is fine because I guess I’ve already been not doing random entertainment. I have a concept of how good it would feel to be doing awesome things all the time, and I want that, so I guess that is helping me reach this point of figuring out how to make that lifestyle work for me. I would also incorporate school into this.

The urge to provide

My obsessing over what I could do to make a living, I think was based on the stress of how hard good jobs are to get. If for instance, I could have gotten a high paying job right out of college like I thought I would, I think I would have taken it. I mean, if it didn’t feel like I was in some kind of competition and needed to sell myself beyond my diploma. There was a time when it was easy to get a good job out of high school or college. In that age I feel like becoming self sufficient would have been easier. I mean, yes I think there would still be other things I would want. However, I would have been set as far as supporting myself was concerned.

So I guess what this makes me think is that what I need to get right now is work life stability. All the other passions can come, but this basic passion of freedom needs my attention now. I feel like if I were supporting myself, I would appreciate all my other passions that much more. I feel like I have this natural instinct to provide, for myself at least, and I think I need to go about meeting this need in the most efficient way possible.

However, when I think about the need to provide for myself, my thoughts drift towards areas like programming instead of philosophy. See programming is easier to get jobs in, although I definitely have a knack for philosophy. The best bet would be to do programming as well to keep my options open I guess. However, this division of goals between school and money makes this hard. If I joined a group though…or just got some people together…Or just made a daily allowance of 1 hour max for programming and I had to learn as much as I could in that time. It would make sense to focus on games or web dev because those areas will build a useable portfolio fastest I think. Out of those two, games are more fun. Then at the same time, if I did programming I could easily shift my experiments onto youtube and make friends in that scene. It would benifit me greatly to do this because it would make jobs easier to get when it came time to look. I would have to have the mindset of I’m trying to become awesome at this as if to program another world, or something. I should not stick to the basicl game ideas, but go off on tangents to make weird and wonderful things. I should have space music in the background when I work to make it more enjoyable. 1 hour a day…hmm it’s definitly an idea. I mean, it’s an investment, and if I feel it’s sound I can take out a load and move out knowing I’ll have jobs waiting for me when I’m ready. Maybe not in games, but in something interesting. People like to hear that I’ve played with mini max algorithms. I guess  need to push myself just a bit.

The thing that scares me is when people say with programming you either love it or you hate it. It doesn’t seem to be that way for me. Nothing does. It’s a day to day thing for me when it comes to what I enjoy doing. For instance right now I hate the chinese language or at least the hanzi. However, I’m pretty sure I’ll start liking it again soon after a nice break. So for a job, I can’t go by what I “love” because that changes all the tim. I need to go by what I’m good at that pays and is interesting.  I can get into a flow state while programming, so there’s that too.

Indie game lifestyle

I took b6 200mg and a large capsule of omega 3, I feel so good approximately 3 hrs later even though technically I am coming down with something.

Here are my thoughts after a lot of thinking. Point form baby…only till it’s not…

If I were to focus on sex, I would say I should make money to get my own place to have sex in all the time.

If I wanted money I would have to find the things I’m good at or that will most efficiently get me that money.

For me I am best at the things I enjoy.

I realize then that these things would be things like artsy musicky stuff, and ideas and philosophical stuff.

Beyond that, just being around people who like to think about interesting things get’s me fired up and passionate.

Like a muse.

Many people in interesting yet technical areas (the areas where it’s easiest to make money it seems), are cool with working alone.

I feel one of my strengths is being able to work with other people and add ideas etc, to whatever the project, I kind of mold to fit, as long as it’s interesting.

Well, society, as far as the image I’ve been getting, in most technical industries, does not prize this thing that I’m so good at. How could they, if they are the leaders, if they call the shots. How could they want someone who is the shot-caller as far as ideas is concered.

So it could be that the thing I need to focus on producing is a way to get to share my ideas with the people I like doing so with, without all this red tape.

So how would I go about doing that?

Well, I’m willing to work for free, just to meet those people, assuming it will be fun enough.

I’m willing because I’m willing to but the idea of money and sex on the back burner for how ever long it takes to get this part of my life sorted out, to the point where people do appreciate what I have to offer.

Basically I will be selling myself.

SO what area would I work in exactly, where I meet these people, and do these primarily sexless activities, u don’t ask?
(or maybe you do….hm)

Well, it would be in areas I enjoy working in and with people I like.

Now I’ve thought long and hard about so many areas I enjoy, music, art, acting,stories,poetry,film,philosophy…
These are all well and good, I will come back to why they are not enough in a second.

Some how I ended up shifting my focus to what technical stuff I could possibly do by myself. I realized though that even if there were such a thing, it would probably not be something we have now. What I mean is, as a kid, breaking open a computer to see how it worked would have been magical. Now though, I would need something bigger. So big, that no one can offer it too me. However, if you think about it, through my own thinking, I offer it to myself, and hopefully, to some of you.

Back to the many other areas I enjoy. I left one out intentionally, one that came to me as I shat. As I shat, or maybe I was already finished I can’t remember it was a blur, I thought of something fun I could do. I could make a youtube video of me reading a book in the dark with a light. Just have a flash light going over the words. It would be like if we were kids and didn’t want our parents to know we were still up, but I could also have cool resident evil music playing with it

Then I said, what if I made it a gameboy color playing pokemon yellow, and at intervals, you hear footsteps like my parent was coming so I had to turn off the light and turn down the volume, etc.

Then I realized, I was making a game. Games seem to be able to incorporate most other fun things somehow which is very interesting. It almost makes games a higher order form of entertainment.

Not only that, but I feel like what we are all searching for in life, or at least me, is more fun things. I want my job to be a fun thing. Well, in focusing on ways to make my life fun, focusing on my health so I’m happier, etc, I have been in effect gamifying my life. However, un-like most people who can just go out and that is fun, for me, I have kind of bee expecting to find a way of making my whole life feel like a game.

I must admit, the biggest thing in that regard I think is health. If u are super healthy, just below euphoric, all the shit about what to do with your life, stops being so frustrating and becomes something fun to work towards. Like a game.

So this makes me think that if I have been trying to make my whole life a game already, I should be able to create games on levels below that, and enjoy those. In effect turning my life into a bunch of mini games that I make and subsequently play or at least share with others to play. Mean while all this will be going on with the overarching theme of a big game, as long as I remember that health is important, as well as the way we look at life.

I will want to work with other people as soon as possible. However, especially because I need to test my level of commitment to this path, it might be cool to try making original game concepts on my own, maybe just sharing them though so I don’t become anti-social.

I wouldn’t just be making games that are for the computer though, although there are some I think would be cool. I really would love it if I could make games that are played in the real world somehow.

Also it’s interesting that the most likes I have for anything on youtube is not based on any of my over 100 videos, but it is…well there is one comment about going to another country that somehow got lot’s of attention, but which didn’t happen. Then there is a comment where I share my idea for adding a game feature to youtube. This comment still has replies coming, 8 months later.

I also find it interesting because the human drive for pleasure may be the greatest of all, iunno, and gaming seems to be the biggest source of it for many people, but it needs some fresh perspective.

Post-Capitalism: Intrinsic Motivation: Finding mine in school

I had this theory that the universe was based on randomness and duplication. If this were true it would make sense that the two things that would help me thrive would be the motivation for sex(duplication) and for awe(unpredictable?) Still the the idea that it is a “competition” between those two drives doesn’t seem that efficient. However, it feels like what they guy from personality junkie said about NPs is sound in that a lot of the ideas I come across seem almost by accident like it is the universal impulse.

Now, I could just try to focus on reading the text books and doing the homework for the possible ideas I will stumble on and the connections I happen to make. I am working to motivate myself from within an educational system that is not built specifically for me so I have to figure out how to work it. Or maybe the system is fine, and it’s just like jogging where I have to get used to it.

The other possibility is that the universe is made up of not randomness but a system. This makes sense in that the big bang would be a cause, and the rest would be the effect. So if we rewound this to the start and initiated the same bang, we would get the same result. So it isn’t random is it?

It makes more sense that the human then is a system with an urge for duplication
among other elements of it’s system.

My question was, does it make sense for me to have a specific goal, or is it
better to just focus on learning more. Goals are what brought me here in the
first place. Maybe “here” is the goal.

I’ve thought about this before actually. It’s good to have goals that come
to you, but trying to seek out goals to have seems like not the best idea.
It seems unessesary.

Also, why do I get so much more motivation in class where as at home I don’t
just sit around reading the text book. Well, it could be that exchanging ideas
with other people, exressing my ideas, IS a goal for me. If this were the case
it would be good as the more the ideas flow the more can be done for society.
Also my motivation for studying outside of class would be to be ahead so I can
keep up with the conversation and say my peice.

I guess also I could go online and start a blog and try to get other people to
read it etc but that might be too much work for too little reward. Iunno.
It would be a fun side project though, at least in the fun classes. Also yes,
some classes are more fun and rewarding than others. That is part of my problem
right now. I’m talking a lot of classes that just don’t engage me enough,
and don’t generate enough ideas. There is no sense trying to argue that these
classes are actually good for me and that I need to adapt somehow. They are just
not efficient uses of my time.

Or, maybe it depends how I look at the classes. I mean, given the choice I might
not want to have to take states/research/ling, but I migh be able to make them
fun if I:
1. Look at the concepts from different angles, like trying to get deeper into them and
2. Bring out questions based on 1. in class.

So the motivation for doing them is still because have to do them instead of something
more intriguing. However, I can get a lot of fun out of it by doing steps 1. and 2.

If I only did step 1. I would have less motivation to read ahead because I wouldn’t
have a way of contributig based on that extra work.
If I only did 2. well in many cases that is what I have now. I mostly just do 2. and
it works out ok but not great.

I feel like there are a lot of external motivations that could come into play
in education. However I feel that a motivation that will be lasting and enjoyable
it needs to come from within.

So, just like lifting heavy things and running fast because it feels good, I would
rather focus on learning for the sake of learning. I feel like sometimes I become out
of touch with the enjoyment of learning for that sake. However, this could easily
be more about metabolic factors than anything else. When I discover/create a new idea
that is truely awesome, it is empowering and rewarding. The only time it’s…
THE ONLY TIME IT’S NOT, IS WHEN I AM FOCUSING SQUARILY ON WHAT I DON’T HAVE!
(not that I should never focus on what I don’t have, I am not sure, maybe, but
not sure) It seems like learning about sexuality has helped with my understanding of
the world. Although a lot of the big stuff like mbti was learned more for the sake of
finding intrinsic motivation and just plain fun.

When I’m not focused on what I don’t have btw, then there is no underlying goal for my
learning. I just learn because I want to know. Knowing, experiencing, is living.

It’s intrinsic. When people learn to focus in on the intrinsics, there will be
no more “work”. For instance, I’m going to work today not for the money. 34$ or something
for 4 hours of physical labor. I mean yeah it adds up, but I am more there for the
relationships and the physical activity.

People were getting slaves to do their work for them, because they couldn’t see that
the work was actually good for them.

So in order to get to this state where you are only focused on the intrinsic rewards,
I think it has a lot to do with dopamine. It’s like when you let go of all the things
that might be fun to have the dopamine receptors increase. Like, if you were to just
let yourself be bored. Then you would start day dreaming and being creative. I feel like
the getting creative part is what happens when the receptors finally start up regulating.

So if you could upregulate them earlier, through exercise etc, then you would find it
easier to let go of other shit, the extrinsic stuff, and just get motivated.

I feel like this is a big thing. I feel like here the ability of a human to self-acualize
could be improved by things like increase dopamine receptors. So in this sense, it seems
what people need is to be healthy mentally. I mean, understanding the concepts of abundance
and self reliance are important too, but when it comes to actually enjoyin the intrinsic
rewards, dopamine is the reward, so you need to be able to produce and utilize it or you
will just be a couch potatoe monk.

You could see dopamine receptors and that kind of thing as an internal awareness of

what we need to be doing with our time. If we don’t keep it healthy, we start to lose touch

with that internal compass thing. Not that we don’t need to be rational if we have it,

just that it is a drive.

Self-Actualization/fulfillment/fun through taking on new goals like a game!

So I wonder if my goal is to become a better human.

Also I think I’ve been limiting myself to much by trying to summarize my whole reason for living in one simple motivation.

I mean, I don’t only live for goals, I also live for family, friends, simple pleasures some what, etc. Anyways when it comes to youtube, and meeting people, and just generally
having something meaningful to focus on, it seems I work best when I focus on what I want. I was thinking today that I focus a lot on doing things on my own. Especially
on being independently happy. It’s weird though that it seems being independently happy isn’t like the end goal. I still want friends etc.

However, I guess I don’t want to have a end goal at all. I do want goals though, just that I want to be always growing. It seems though that it’s still better to focus on one milestone at a time, at least in the moment, not on any really end goal. I mean, games aren’t fun when you get to the end, they are fun when you are about to reach a new level. So I should always be seeking the next level, in all my activities, including fitness, even though it seems many people believe in a sort of plateau, I don’t think it makes
sense to.

Also, eating, exercising, and sleeping, are just the basics, the foundation.

Also it seems activities like music, story writing, and comedy are really creative but that this makes them goal less. Like there is no way to compare how good I am, it’s so random and so individual. Something like language though has levels to reach. Same with weight training. Iunno, maybe language is about Si just like fitness is, but it’s like social Si.

btw I was thinking now that I can learn hanzi faster using etymology, that I should just
rush it and d 20 a day. However, then it becomes the type of goal where I am trying to just be done with it. I realize now that the fun isn’t in being done with it, the fun is everyday when I do it and see myself getting a little bit closer. If I become unsatisfied with my progress, that could be because of other things in my life, and not the Chinese learning. It could be that I’m over compensating instead of fixing the real issues.

So it seems I’d rather have a 20min/day habit than for life, then not have that habit
because I completed everything already.

I just want more 20min habits now. More goals I can say I’m working towards.

Also it seems as much as I like being creative, I find being creative to be not challenging usually and not as rewarding. The things that I find most rewarding seem to be things that just take practice. Weights, languages, etc.

It’s interesting because once I get good at a certain skills I’m sure I will be able to just funnel it into something creative. It’s just that I need to put in the practice to get there.

Ok, I’m getting it now. It seems I might need to focus on just putting more skills into my brain, increasing my base of strength basically, and then from there whenever I want to be creative, I will have way more skills to call from to do so with.

Hmmm, I wonder, what about classical music?
Skate boarding?
These are all things I’ve been interested in at one point because I felt it would be cool to have them, but then I got board of them and gave up. If I had stuck with them, doing a little bit every day, then every day I would be able to say I had goals and every day I would be able to feel that dopamine rush of reaching new mile stones. However, back then, this was not my frame of mind. I wasn’t seeking fulfillment, I was seeking recognition and acceptance ect.

Hmmmmmmmm, or am I turning into an ISFJ again? Putting the Si first? Am I feeling like creativity isn’t satisfying enough to me and is it because I’m hampering it, maybe by not collaborating with other people? It seems the best way to invest in myself might be through these types of goals, instead of through creativity which is already innate, takes no effort, and feels less rewarding?

Well, if I do music, even if I don’t do classical, I should probably do theory. Theory is what I think is missing from my strength. I can be creative without it but I’m very limited. If I learn theory, I will gain control over my musical ability.

Music theory is to music
as Hanzi is to Chinese

Iunno, this doesn’t seem exactly ISFJ to me, because I’m striving to be a renaissance man. I’m just realizing what my weakest links are to that end so I can work on them.

Also I feel this may be what that Chinese Canadian culture is about to some extent. Having goals, becoming the shit. Turning life into a game, instead of needing to find games in some virtual world that you can be good at. Focusing on skills is half the battle, the other half is how much you do, and making habits of doing a bit, and having multiple goals so that they all remain fresh.

New Youtube Idea: Exanding on the theories of past thought leaders, feeling more human

ok, I put together that I am most interesting in intriguing things and discovering or creating things I didn’t think were possible, using my strengths of logic, making connections etc. I added to that, my observation that there are people on youtube
like thegametheorist who seem to be a lot like me and had success with it, especially that he noted other people helped just added on to his awesome “vision” and how he had many interests but somehow ended up unemployable. Just generally he sounds hugely like an ENTP although I guess he could have been ENFP or something.

The way he researches to make connections and his videos as basically essays is something I find very fun and rewarding if I can just get the motivation to do it. I guess in that way it’s like with MTG where you research and discover connections and put them together to create something awesome based on the assumed vision of being able to do that. The difference is MTG is easy. Flipping through a binder of cards to find combos is easy. Researching what philosophers have said and background on them etc to right essays on them is not easy. It’s hard. Rewarding, but hard. It could be that the difference for me between a worth while goal and a leisure activity is the worth while one will be something where passion and strengths collide, but also that is hard enough that it wouldn’t just be for fun. I mean, I think I’m goal oriented enough that I can handle something that is hard and rewarding.

Also I’ll add that just like him, I’m not on youtube looking for fame. He was just trying to advertise himself to employers, showcasing what he could do. I’m looking for connection with other people, trying to attract people who will be able to relate to my interest. Also just to do something that feels fulfilling. That feels like the type of work that I’m meant for. I don’t expect it to be the masses, but as long as I make some good relationships out of it, and feel like I am appreciated I feel like that would make it worth it.

I feel like if I do something on youtube, maybe it should be something like game theorist.
Another thing about the game theorist is that he went all out with his videos. Maybe because he was trying to show employers what he could do, iunno. I feel like if I really visualize how important going all out is, at least working up to going all out, that is where I will start drawing attention.

My only issue is what topic should I cover.

I could do philosophy, just like I’m already studying it in school so studying it on
my own and making videos about it in a very professional way could be cool. However, I would need to put my own twist on it. My own perspective. At the very least I’d need to be someone who sees the more than what is there, so that I can have something of value to add. I think I can do that. So far my philosophy class this year and the near-philosophy
class last year, have been the classes where I have been most able to do this.

I guess if I am to go anywhere on youtube, I should probably focus on creating new theories based on what is already there. Meaning theories expanding the works of other important theorists. Doing this will most likely draw more attention to me than simply trying to convince people to watch me, someone they don’t know. Not only that, but I get ideas very quickly when I have something to react to so it would actually be better just overall for me to be expanding on something instead of just trying to create something from scratch. The research should be on things I have a fascination with so I enjoy it. Carl Jung, etc are good areas to work in. So I can read up on those ideas, and then hopefully expand on them, and do so in such a way that is enjoyable to whatever audience.

I avoided reading much classic philosophy for along time because the last thing I wanted was to be taught how to think instead of developing my own way and confidence in it. I always believed in myself in that I would have something to offer with my philosophical thought and I feel like I now have something of my own style. So now, well I’m reading classical philosophy in school and reading very critically I might add. I will talk about this therefore, but also soon ant to read more interesting guys like Jung.

I wonder if this is better than trying to write fiction. I think it will be since
I will be discussing possibilities anyways and so it could end up dealing with things
that are fictional, at least for the moment.

I feel like just focusing on mbti and carl jung ect would be enough. Just whatever seems most relevant to me. I don’t have to take a huge area to work on because really everything is expanding and so people will have to start carving out smaller more targeted niches. Either that, or pick a big niche, and hope other people want to help me expand it more than I would do on my own. Iunno, for now I’ll just focus on doing what I can do well.

Also it’s like this. Even if there were a bunch of entps discussing the same topic of mbti or even the same topic of a video game, I have a feeling different individuals would have different things to add on the topic. So it’s not even like this one guy can cover all of videogame theories. Well I guess it help that many people have joined in. Still though, the field of possibilities which we indulge in is infinite. There is always room for more, either adding on, or arguing, etc.

Also, I will be focusing though on things that are important to me, and they will be important for me to share because it will be that it is not yet common knowledge and the fact that is not, is to our detriment. So until it is common knowledge, I’ll definitely have a place to speak about those things.

Or should I focus on fun? I guess it’s fun, but still a goal and requires work and habits. Would I want it any other way? Hard work pays off.

This actually has me pretty excited now because it seems things are coming together even more. I can put posters on my room, play cool music, and talk about meaningful things, and maybe crack a joke here and there as I go along. Basically through this understanding of what area I’d be best at on youtube, through studying guys like the game theorist and all that he said about his life, I realize more fully the area of my greatest potential. So now I can truly put something of MYSELF out there on youtube. Something people can connect with in the way I also connect with other youtubers. Through that I feel I will
feel more connected, and more human. Aristotle says that you are only human if you are a functioning part of your society. This makes sense in that humans are social functioning creatures. So it seems to have a lot to do with self-actualization, the feeling of being human.

It’s interesting to see that some people lucked out in that from an early age they always had a position in a society. Whether it was on the playground, or at the prom, or student council etc. However, some people take longer to find their place among society. I feel the internet is good in this in that it enables those naturally inclined towards intellectual pursuits, the chance to contribute in those areas.

ENTP(or atleast me): Passion for working with/for others (LONG POST) (Basically about muses as the end goal)

Another possiblity, is that I keep looking at all the fun people on youtube, thinking I want to be a part of it, but the reality is I just want friends to do cool shit with? It seems like sure I have things I would want to produce, but it seems I’m more interested in just making connections with people, than trying to create a business. I mean if a business comes out of it that’s great and maybe even ideal, however, I think not having enough people to connect with is a bigger problem than not having a business.

Freedom for me means being able to do the shit I want to do. Most of the shit I want to do involves hanging out with and connecting with cool people, not nessesarily making a name for myself on youtube. The youtube thing seems almost like just a form of compensating for not having enough people to talk to. This doesn’t work out to well
because I don’t have any passion for making videos, at least not enough to bother putting the time in.

I think I’ve gotten past the whole wanting to be something. I realize I just want to be happy and grow and trying to be someone actually just goes against that. So what goes with it? I think focusing on connecting with people, might go with it. If I look back on child hood, sure I did stuff when I was alone like think about interesting movie ideas ect. However, it wasn’t like I thought about them as something I nessesarily wanted to create. It’s more like I created them in my head and just enjoyed them.

The main thing I though about was when I would be able to see my friends again and make new friends. That was my big adventure. So iunno, maybe it is again, and this time, without shame of wanting to make the friends. However, what sucks is wanting friends but without the hobbies in common to get a friendship started. However, I think it’s more like I have many many interests and I just pursue them based on who my friends are.

I feel strong inspiration to pursue goals based on friends of mine or people I meet who also do them. I mean, for some people the hobbie or goal is serious for it’s own sake. For me, it seems more like my goals are based on the friends who will appreciate them. Basically, and I can say this unashamedly now, I think I need a muse/muses in order for me to turn into a real workhorse. Basically, I don’t work for money. I work for people. Maybe it’s the same way as who they say ENTPs need to find their place among people, not beaurocracy. We don’t care about social hierarcy and that includes money and fame. We care about friends.

Another thing is maybe another reason I find it hard to work on certain projects is because with no one to share my progress with, it’s like the fun is taken out of it. I mean sure when I achieve such and such a goal after years of work, people may flock to see it and then I may attract the right people? Iunno, maybe not. It seems like if certain people would only talk to me once I am “cool” or “good at something”, those probably arn’t real friends. I feel like I have enough to offer just being myself, and shouldn’t have to work to prove that I can do such and such on my own.

I realize, I don’t really want to be “successful” in the way people see it. An “independant self-made man” I mean, all that stuff, I can imagine it being really nice, but then when I actually wor towards it it’s hard. It’s not hard because I’m weak. I’m not weak. It’s hard because I don’t really want it. I don’t want a life of working on my own on stuff so I can be recognized as something special and powerful ect. I want a life of love and passion and friendship.

So now I think I might be ready to do two things:

1. One is to put more effort into getting involved in stuff other maybe more “independant
workers” have started that I think are cool, and contribute and make friends.

2. Then contribute to those friends with ideas of what else we could do, as the ideas
come to me, but tring to be able to finish or else not even start.

3.Also work on my own shit and focus on building habits and finishing.

Basically, it’s ok to work on my own shit, whatever that is, as long as I’m not expecting that shit to attract friends to me. That is the wrong way to look at it because it means you have to be something in order to be worthy as a friend. No, the friends will be made by contributing to other peoples visions which you agree enough with (and maybe adding a bit of your on vision in there).

hmmm.

So 3 things.(reiteration lol)

1. Join groups (like in elementary school) and contribute and make friends (gain love)

2. Do hobbies and focus on habit and finnishing and own expression (create love)
I create the love out of my own passion, just that I need to work on making friends at the same time or else my body will feel the sense of neglect and make it harder for me to create more love. It’s not that I wont have the energy, it’s that I am naturally distracted by the fact that I’m neglecting another passion I have, the passion for people, in order to do some hobby when I really want to be around people. Basically, punishing myself into working on a hobby when I really need more socia growth.

3. Share hobbies especially finnished projects, and ideas, with friends (Share love)

Scary to me is the thought that all the discipline for working on goals by myself
might come undone and I’ll just want to hang out with friends, which could lead
to them losing respect for me and then me struggling to get back on working hard on goals. Howver, it’s not that simple I guess. I mean, I can still form habits. Actually, I still NEED to form proper habits, for working on cool shit, in order to thrive. It’s just that I also need/desire to have friends to connect with and without those I will be living an incomplete lifestyle.

So I probably need at least a few people to be as extroverted as me and who can connect about the shit I think is cool. I guess I’ve been scared of letting people into my life who will not actually appreciate me for what I bring to the table. I may not care about recognition in the general sense, and I may not go seeking it. However, if someone is to be close to me, they need to connect with me in that they see and appreciate what I bring to the table.

See I’ll be far more regular in bringing it to the table if it’s with someone who appreciates it. However, if around someone who doesn’t, I might just feel like retreating into my room or trying to prove myself, which I don’t think I should have to do. So, yes I’m independant. I’m independant in that I have no problem doing whatever it takes to meet people I can connect with. Not only that, but I have high standards and would rather be alone than with someone I don’t feel the right connnection with.

Also it’s possible that going on family trips being close proximity with family for the car ride and hotel sleeping ect, boosts my energy. I often feel more creative in those situations. It’s like my brain starts telling me I have something to offer to these people now that I’m close to them (physcially and emotionally) and so I gain motivation.

So if my passion is contributing to people I’m close with then it makes sense that I should focus on building relationships with people. It’s weird that the media has a skewed the understanding of the importance of relationships, or at least they don’t know how wrong that information can be interpreted by someone who is going through what I was. Relationships are important if they are your strongest motivator, and if that’s the case, you should make peace with that so you can see what you really want in life.

Also when it comes to finding the right friends, when I was younger I had it wrong
because I focused on who looked “cool” and who acted “cool”. However, most of the people
who looked and acted really “cool”, it was because that was their focus. Therefore they
aren’t the people I’d connect with, cause although I appreciate that they look “cool”,
my focus is else where. I guess I assumed “cool” looking/dressing/acting people were
smarter ect, but reality is not that way and I was mislead.

This caused me a lot of rejection in child hood and a lot of me rejecting the people
who would actually have been better for me. This same thing works for girls too actually. The girls who are super into looks are mostly not girls I need to be talking to. Anyways, I just thought about this cause if I want to make friends who connect with me, well I was thinking, what has been keeping me from this all along, and so I realize it was me being disillusioned. So now I know who I connect with and who is good so I will able to just connect with them.

Freedom for me isn’t about not needing friendships to be productive. Freedom for me being able to find the friends I enjoy productive with and/or showing my products to.

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