Motivation Strategies

One of the most important is simply being sure of what you want to accomplish, and sure of what you are willing to sacrifice (namingly, the distractions, things that feel good short term but really hold you back from fulfilment).

For instance, be sure you want to head in a general direction of making a living through whatever means you’ve chosen, AND have learned that video games are no longer fulfilling and so worth sacrificing. Just an example.

Also what I learned recently, is to look at what I need to feel fulfilled, critically. I mean, I was reading this blog were a lady pointed out all the passionate artists including herself who DID somepoint end up nearing the starving artist senario. She then decided she shouldn’t love her passions more than they loved her back, meaning if they can’t provide her basic needs…I guess this is obvious, but going in it probably wasn’t.

I just realize though that for me passions are there but making a living off of them isn’t really a necessity. That would be like trying to use a hammer to solve every problem. I am focusing on web development front end because not only is this an in demand job, but the skills for it can be used to support my passions as well. For instance, blogging, photography, music, etc.

Next, and this lady I was talking about before mentions this too, that in finding something that can support you, you may find in it/through it, something you love, but just couldn’t see until you did it. I have a variation on this which is that sometimes it helps to start with the title page, or the design and appearance of something, because it can then motivate you to build it out further into something real. Like, once I build the front of a website, if it’s really beautiful I think, “if only it was a functioning site…”, and this is motivation to turn it into one. Steve Jobs started with this process for Apple as well, creating the appearance of the device first, and fitting all the functionality into it.

This might not work for everyone , but for me since I have a large appreciation for beauty, this is a huge motivator for me.

The next huge motivator for me, is music, another form of beauty. I am realizing that a lot of that vibe I got from video games and anime and movies that made me want to be in that world, was the music. The music adds a lot of meaning to the experience, a lot of emotion.

I feel like I’m at the point where I only want to do things that further me towards my goals. Although I still like to check out the odd anime. So it’s like, all that is missing is that the pursuit of my goals not leave me feeling empty. Music helps greatly with this, as does working on things that will be aesthetically pleasing.

Not sure how I came to view web dev as a good option actually lol, I guess I’ve been considering it for a long time though. Out of all the options, I guess web dev seems like the one that’s most likely to work out in the near future, which is I guess important for me as I’m in adult hood and still at home. Also it’s a skill that runs paralell with my personal goals in many ways. It’s actually the only thing keeping me from acting on many of my other goals, as if I could just create communities around my interests I’d be able to do a lot.

I’m just trying to figure out why this is such a good solution for me. I’m sure it won’t be the answer for everyone so I’m taking a birds eye view on what is bringing me to this decision. I guess it’s just that though, that it’s inline with my personal goals, including my long term goal for personal freedom to work how I please and on what I please.

I still plan to attend school for psych/phil because I like school. However, I am expecting my job to be in web dev well before anything comes out of my traditional education.

It’s interesting that this goal and how it would be a skill I might want to learn on my own anyway, is not one that is strictly a passion. It’s like a support for a passion. It seems a lot of artists etc focus only on their skills as artists. The ones who do are I guess specialists and if that is the case them most likely they are devoted enough and will get where they want.

I on the other hand I guess I’m more of a generalists. I dabble in lot’s of things, although I do feel I have some areas where I am doing extremely well. It’s more like, I WANT to be able to do everything, and so this kind of includes the things that I’m not passionate about in an artistic way, but appreciate for their value. So maybe that type of characteristic is what would lead someone to find jobs that build skills that support their passions without strictly being their passions. Hm! lol.

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aesthetics and diagrams, obfuscation and fun

Based on the half dream I’ve been having for the last
few hours where I’ve somehow been mulling over the idea of
creating art out of a learning experience.

I remember one part where I had created a website? or maybe
more of a digital art collage? but with parts you could
click on to make things happen.

It was very intersting and beautiful, and seemed to be filled
with images that were symbolic of concepts and were connected
together. SO it was kind of like an artistic diagram.

I think it was a lot of electronic concepts actually…but maybe
other things as well.

Also my music “what age means” was playing along with it.
I either was displaying it to others, or imagining the time when
I might do so, and it was inspiring.

Now that I’m awake I find a paralell to the way I’v been trying to
learn hanzi which is that I’ve been making diagrams that show the
connections, and I plan to use a ruler to make even neater looking
diagrams as they actually seem like the most beautiful thing in
my journal.

Also the diagram was almost like a game, or a movie, I remember,
like it was fun and an experience. That would be good for
a method of study. To create something I enjoy re-experiencing.

I enjoy reexperiencing my music, that’s for sure.

This is interesting though, because it’s like I got a glimse
of a possibility, one that could be revolutionary in learning and
art and I guess in my life, and now I can try working backwards to figure
out how to get there.

So, if I want to create an experience I’d enjoy again, well what seemed
to really help in the dream was that the music went directly with the
images…so I guess it was animation…so like, like amvs??!!

That could be awesome, because I enjoy watching my amvs repeatedly!

Poetry was like…one level above simple diagrams, in the artistic sense,
but I struggled to make them fun to recite as they seemed devoid of
artistic expression.

It could be that my artistic expression is more logical and so creating
stories and poetry that don’t express logical things, things worth
understanding, it ends up being not relevant or meaningful to me.

So maybe, like the hanzi diagrams, it would be better to focus on
making the method of diagraming, more beautiful, instead of
obfuscating the knowledge with art. So, using art in a way that
enhances understanding instead of the opposite.

So for example, the pie chart, could be seen as a form of aesthetics
simply because it’s a way of symbolizing something visually that is
more EFFICIENT(as efficiency and beauty are related).

rhyme works, when linking relevant facts together. However, rhyme that
links facts together but through adding in irrelevant untasteful information
, might not be as beautiful.

animation works well because it is a way of visualizing something that
otherwise wouldn’t be visualized. Along with sound effects, music,
and art in the drawing of symbolic images, it because very aestehtically
pleasing, some times even creating a whole other world around the
concept when the animation, sound fx ect come together well enough. Then
there is no need for extra irrelevant information.

This can be seen as an ENTP goal actually. By that I mean, it could
be a thing that all entps are built to do somehow, or that is on of their
highest forms of self expression. For example, Steve jobs revolution
of Apple, and pixar, was at is base, about this. Adding aesthetics
to the expression of information.

Leonardo Da Vinci was also about this, or at least his drawings
of inventions in his notebooks etc, and the way he painted, it was
conveying information in the most effective way possible.

It could be why I like electronics more than programming…because I
get to see more diagrams in electronics. Even the actually creation
of deviced, involves wiring connections together between different
components.

Maybe if programming could be done in this wayWow, with code blocks
connected together. Even parts of algorithms should be visualized
as components. Actually, even math itself could be visualized as
being made up of components. Even philosophy could be.

Wow, I learned so much by going to bed early…enough that I woke up
3 hours in to write all this.

When I look at the diagrams in my hanzi journal, they just seem like
…like expensive. Like the most expensive thing in my journal, the
most significant. (also it’s the only thing written in pen lol, but
still.

So maybe, to me, I enjoy the expression of connectedness, or at
least I am more sensitive to it, than most people, and so it is
art, and beautiful, to me.

So maybe I can enjoy learning anything, if I can just express the
connections between things within and between feilds in the most
effiecient way possible.

This is a new form of communication so I wonder if it could
become it’s own language somehow lol.

As I searched for the word “obfuscated” I came across the
international obfuscated c contest. It’s so cool. It actually
would make programming fun…For one thing it is actually comical
in a way that is smart so it’s like…a new and maybe improve form of
comedy. Second it’s so creative and it’s a creativity for the
purpose of entertainment, and possible even just fulfillment in
ones ability to create something so crazy.

It’s weird that so many programmers seem so passionate about just
creating things that are functional. I feel like obfuscated c is
way more fun and maybe even a better learning experience, beyond when
you want/need to know something. I’ve searched programming poetry
before and while the philosophy was cool sometimes, the actually idea
of doing it was not. It seemed like it would just take energy away from
me. It didn’t present a specific challenge where I would gain energy and be
inspired by, but instead it seemed draining as poetry without reason
often seems draining.

Obfuscated c on the other hand is like, purposely doing meaninglessly complex
stuff. It is actually like a skill that you can develope and it’s
actually comical and fun.

It’s almost like an attack on the standardization of programming,
and for me just the irrelevance of programming to my life.

I mean, the dullest thing I’ve learned so far is making data based
for websites. However, if I gave myself permission to create the
most messed up databases, maybe I could actually enjoy
the learning process at least.

Really what obfuscated c seems to do is it opens my mind to creative
possibilities without limiting it to things that are needed by the
real world or following real world standards of efficiency. Basically
it brings the imagination back into the equation where otherwise I
would always be depending on someone else’s idea of how things should
be done. Now the whole goal of programming is to do things the way
they “shouldn’t be done” which means I can use every possible peice
of information and weave it all into doing something the wrong way,
because the wrong way, becomes right.

Why is the wrong way fun? So I think it’s because it’s not limited to
someone else’s methodology for one, but for two it’s because it depends
on you ….

just wow…I mean I wish I had thought of that earlier, like, instead
of learning from books, I could just do things the wrong way on purpose,
trying to see how wrong I could do it.

So theses are two ways of learning. One is using art to communicate
ideas more efficiently and it will be beautiful. The other is to
use ideas in the least efficient way on purpose, and using
creativity to make them the most ineffiecent, and this will
be comical.

Actually, obfuscated c reminds me of how I play mtg. I try to pick really
weird cards or combinations and make them work. So when I do this,
the game becomes about my deck making ability as much as my play
ability. I don’t do it in a funny way nessesarily, but more like a way
to challenge myself. I guess it helps that mtg is social, but still I
wonder if I could do the same with obfuscated c. Instead of going for
comical, go for something different that expresses me. Like how I go
for making music that is more obscure sounding. I can express myself in
code by my choices of what tools to use for a specific job, instead of
going for the tools recommended. In this way I also would be making
mini challenges like, “do this part without using printf” etc.

I wonder though, because this seems more social than more art related
things…

Well also I guess it’s just that, duh the right or best way of doing things
is often not that hard to figure out. It’s not as challenging, at least
for my style which looks for more possibilities, as trying to make
somethign more “interesting”.

So really it’s not about it being “detail oriented”, it’s about
it being to common knowledge…I like exploring what is possible,
and the way to do that in programming, at least until I reach some
master level where I just know how things should be done better than
anyone else, unless/until that happens it’s best to flex my creative
muscles through obfuscation and doing things in different ways
regardless of what is more efficietn, but just focusing on what could
actually be possible outside of how things are usually done.

So for things based on logic such as strategy games, programming etc,
artistic expression seems to come through individual choice in how to
do things. So it’s best to give ourselves permission to do things
in whatever new and creative ways we want in order to express ourselves.

In music and other fine arts this plays a role, but also individual
tastes like musical tastes, play a big role.

In things like physical labour, artistic expression seems to come
, at least for me, from a combination of pure physical intensity, and
creative efficiency of momevement.

Now, artistic expression in the actual learning process, that seems to
be more about just the way the information is laid out.

Actually the idea of obfuscation can be applied in many interesting
ways it’s so cool that I just found this through googling and that
google autocorrecting to the “ed” ending helped me get there.

I could make a store, that is made of CSRs who standing in formations
to create iles etc.

I could also make a store where everything is just drawn in the snow
but have security gaurds protecting it, being really serious.

JUst taking a goal, and finding very weird ways of accomplishing that
goal. That is one power I have that most people don’t and that people
will probbaly find very useful or at least entertaining.

If I want adventure, that is one really good way of getting it.
I feel like that is the kind of thing I would do in video games
but should also do in real life more. STYLE! Cool style!

Also, to obfuscate can mean, to make dark/(er). So in a way it is
gothic. It is venturing out into the unknown, the unbeaten path,
the mysterious, and expressing that, maybe in a way becoming that.

I have two things now to think about. Perposeful obfuscation,
and aesthetics diagraming. Both are interesting and seem fun.
One seems more fun in the moment though and more connected to
doing. Although, AH, I could use obfuscation in my creation of
diagrams maybe…but not in a way that adds irrelevant info, just
that that form of organiziation could be more obfuscated.

Meaning you might have to work harder to extract the meaning,
but it would be interestin to create, and could lead to
actually innovation in creatin diagrams. IUnno.

Brings me to think of entps as dancing with death but maybe more
accuratly, with darkness, as we search the darkness, the unknown, through
ourselves, for new possibilities, where as most people are content to
just use what is known and there already.

The urge to provide

My obsessing over what I could do to make a living, I think was based on the stress of how hard good jobs are to get. If for instance, I could have gotten a high paying job right out of college like I thought I would, I think I would have taken it. I mean, if it didn’t feel like I was in some kind of competition and needed to sell myself beyond my diploma. There was a time when it was easy to get a good job out of high school or college. In that age I feel like becoming self sufficient would have been easier. I mean, yes I think there would still be other things I would want. However, I would have been set as far as supporting myself was concerned.

So I guess what this makes me think is that what I need to get right now is work life stability. All the other passions can come, but this basic passion of freedom needs my attention now. I feel like if I were supporting myself, I would appreciate all my other passions that much more. I feel like I have this natural instinct to provide, for myself at least, and I think I need to go about meeting this need in the most efficient way possible.

However, when I think about the need to provide for myself, my thoughts drift towards areas like programming instead of philosophy. See programming is easier to get jobs in, although I definitely have a knack for philosophy. The best bet would be to do programming as well to keep my options open I guess. However, this division of goals between school and money makes this hard. If I joined a group though…or just got some people together…Or just made a daily allowance of 1 hour max for programming and I had to learn as much as I could in that time. It would make sense to focus on games or web dev because those areas will build a useable portfolio fastest I think. Out of those two, games are more fun. Then at the same time, if I did programming I could easily shift my experiments onto youtube and make friends in that scene. It would benifit me greatly to do this because it would make jobs easier to get when it came time to look. I would have to have the mindset of I’m trying to become awesome at this as if to program another world, or something. I should not stick to the basicl game ideas, but go off on tangents to make weird and wonderful things. I should have space music in the background when I work to make it more enjoyable. 1 hour a day…hmm it’s definitly an idea. I mean, it’s an investment, and if I feel it’s sound I can take out a load and move out knowing I’ll have jobs waiting for me when I’m ready. Maybe not in games, but in something interesting. People like to hear that I’ve played with mini max algorithms. I guess  need to push myself just a bit.

The thing that scares me is when people say with programming you either love it or you hate it. It doesn’t seem to be that way for me. Nothing does. It’s a day to day thing for me when it comes to what I enjoy doing. For instance right now I hate the chinese language or at least the hanzi. However, I’m pretty sure I’ll start liking it again soon after a nice break. So for a job, I can’t go by what I “love” because that changes all the tim. I need to go by what I’m good at that pays and is interesting.  I can get into a flow state while programming, so there’s that too.

Post-Capitalism: Intrinsic Motivation: Finding mine in school

I had this theory that the universe was based on randomness and duplication. If this were true it would make sense that the two things that would help me thrive would be the motivation for sex(duplication) and for awe(unpredictable?) Still the the idea that it is a “competition” between those two drives doesn’t seem that efficient. However, it feels like what they guy from personality junkie said about NPs is sound in that a lot of the ideas I come across seem almost by accident like it is the universal impulse.

Now, I could just try to focus on reading the text books and doing the homework for the possible ideas I will stumble on and the connections I happen to make. I am working to motivate myself from within an educational system that is not built specifically for me so I have to figure out how to work it. Or maybe the system is fine, and it’s just like jogging where I have to get used to it.

The other possibility is that the universe is made up of not randomness but a system. This makes sense in that the big bang would be a cause, and the rest would be the effect. So if we rewound this to the start and initiated the same bang, we would get the same result. So it isn’t random is it?

It makes more sense that the human then is a system with an urge for duplication
among other elements of it’s system.

My question was, does it make sense for me to have a specific goal, or is it
better to just focus on learning more. Goals are what brought me here in the
first place. Maybe “here” is the goal.

I’ve thought about this before actually. It’s good to have goals that come
to you, but trying to seek out goals to have seems like not the best idea.
It seems unessesary.

Also, why do I get so much more motivation in class where as at home I don’t
just sit around reading the text book. Well, it could be that exchanging ideas
with other people, exressing my ideas, IS a goal for me. If this were the case
it would be good as the more the ideas flow the more can be done for society.
Also my motivation for studying outside of class would be to be ahead so I can
keep up with the conversation and say my peice.

I guess also I could go online and start a blog and try to get other people to
read it etc but that might be too much work for too little reward. Iunno.
It would be a fun side project though, at least in the fun classes. Also yes,
some classes are more fun and rewarding than others. That is part of my problem
right now. I’m talking a lot of classes that just don’t engage me enough,
and don’t generate enough ideas. There is no sense trying to argue that these
classes are actually good for me and that I need to adapt somehow. They are just
not efficient uses of my time.

Or, maybe it depends how I look at the classes. I mean, given the choice I might
not want to have to take states/research/ling, but I migh be able to make them
fun if I:
1. Look at the concepts from different angles, like trying to get deeper into them and
2. Bring out questions based on 1. in class.

So the motivation for doing them is still because have to do them instead of something
more intriguing. However, I can get a lot of fun out of it by doing steps 1. and 2.

If I only did step 1. I would have less motivation to read ahead because I wouldn’t
have a way of contributig based on that extra work.
If I only did 2. well in many cases that is what I have now. I mostly just do 2. and
it works out ok but not great.

I feel like there are a lot of external motivations that could come into play
in education. However I feel that a motivation that will be lasting and enjoyable
it needs to come from within.

So, just like lifting heavy things and running fast because it feels good, I would
rather focus on learning for the sake of learning. I feel like sometimes I become out
of touch with the enjoyment of learning for that sake. However, this could easily
be more about metabolic factors than anything else. When I discover/create a new idea
that is truely awesome, it is empowering and rewarding. The only time it’s…
THE ONLY TIME IT’S NOT, IS WHEN I AM FOCUSING SQUARILY ON WHAT I DON’T HAVE!
(not that I should never focus on what I don’t have, I am not sure, maybe, but
not sure) It seems like learning about sexuality has helped with my understanding of
the world. Although a lot of the big stuff like mbti was learned more for the sake of
finding intrinsic motivation and just plain fun.

When I’m not focused on what I don’t have btw, then there is no underlying goal for my
learning. I just learn because I want to know. Knowing, experiencing, is living.

It’s intrinsic. When people learn to focus in on the intrinsics, there will be
no more “work”. For instance, I’m going to work today not for the money. 34$ or something
for 4 hours of physical labor. I mean yeah it adds up, but I am more there for the
relationships and the physical activity.

People were getting slaves to do their work for them, because they couldn’t see that
the work was actually good for them.

So in order to get to this state where you are only focused on the intrinsic rewards,
I think it has a lot to do with dopamine. It’s like when you let go of all the things
that might be fun to have the dopamine receptors increase. Like, if you were to just
let yourself be bored. Then you would start day dreaming and being creative. I feel like
the getting creative part is what happens when the receptors finally start up regulating.

So if you could upregulate them earlier, through exercise etc, then you would find it
easier to let go of other shit, the extrinsic stuff, and just get motivated.

I feel like this is a big thing. I feel like here the ability of a human to self-acualize
could be improved by things like increase dopamine receptors. So in this sense, it seems
what people need is to be healthy mentally. I mean, understanding the concepts of abundance
and self reliance are important too, but when it comes to actually enjoyin the intrinsic
rewards, dopamine is the reward, so you need to be able to produce and utilize it or you
will just be a couch potatoe monk.

You could see dopamine receptors and that kind of thing as an internal awareness of

what we need to be doing with our time. If we don’t keep it healthy, we start to lose touch

with that internal compass thing. Not that we don’t need to be rational if we have it,

just that it is a drive.

Spirituality, intellegence, dreams, teal swan, mindfulness of the shit lol

“It’s a seasoning you have to accept” – a quote from a dream I had where I was fighting my Tae Kwon Do instructor on top of a train car and this mysterious intense pain in my stomach that I’ve had in many other dreams happened and as in many of the others, it was as if someone was doing it to me. In this case in was the instructor and he said “it’s a seasoning you have to accept”. Then in the dream I knew what it meant and so I screamed into the pain, with the pain, and in a state of I guess pride, and the pain was more accepted.

I listened to Teal Swan talk about spirituality 2.0 where you learn that just focusing on positive goals eventually means being happy but always running from discomfort and so it’s maybe not optimal. So you allow discomfort to happen, or maybe run towards it even.

This is supposed to be a goal you reach after you get as far as you can into 1.0 where you are happy almost all the time. Iunno about that though. I feel like it just depends on how much drive you have to be happy all the time. (which may be due to some innate level of spirituality)

I feel I have done some of the 2.0 stuff although maybe not always for the right reasons. Like I have felt really lonely because I was not willing to not hang with people I didn’t like.

Anyways I realized that a lot of the most important things I’ve learned in life have been about how to be happy and for the most art these aren’t things you can make money off of. I often have wished I could find something that I could be satisfied doing that I could also make money off of but for the most part I haven’t found it.

I realized though, that if I focus on 2.0, on being happy with things not being perfect, then that would mean I wouldn’t need to worry about what I could make money doing. I would be happy and inspired just because I chose to. It’s like, if we really have so much abundance, then no one should need to buy or sell anything. So maybe that is the path I’m on.

Monks make this stuff seem so boring. Living isolated up in the mountains and where robes. I have heard some of those guys aren’t even seeking spirituality 2.0 or even 1.0, but instead are seeking followers so they can feel like the shit. Spirituality 2.0 as I’ve experienced it is way different because when you are really engaged in your spiritual growth and get those moments of euphoria and connection, it’s actually awesome.

My main issue now is that I feel way happier now than I did over the summer when I was lonely a lot and apparently social contact is a human need. I’m wondering if I feel happy because of the health from connection only, or if being in school makes me feel more connected to society and more valuable. If it is the later, I am wondering if it’s because I THOUGHT/think that being valuable is still important and this is just a belief I can overcome, or if it is a deeper psychological need that is hard to get over, or if it’s even just something that is a want, but a deep want, that I haven’t learned to live without.

Also I realize at and after 2.0 I would be way more in the moment because I wouldn’t be planning how to get away from boredom that could creep up in the future. So I would be more in the moment, and I realized that being in the moment makes it easier to learn so I would be smarter? It makes me wonder if spiritual development will parallel with intellectual development and ability.

Inferior Si reaction to lack of inspiration

This first half is my inferior Si talking through my Ne:

“There should be something I can do that is more valuable to me than money,
and sex and other things that should be a given(family, doing good, ect).
Music is one, but that feels like only part of something.
One way to look at it is wonder and awe.
Like, what makes me feel alive?
To be alive is to be conciouse and the highest form of
consiousness for me seems to be in a state of awe, curiosity, ect.
Even admiration maybe, iunno.
I mean there are lot’s of things that are important to me and that I value.
I mean, even problem solving ability is something I value. I just feel like it
is already a give in that you solve problems to reach some greater state of being.

Much like I am doing now.

So I’m thinking maybe I could just assume I will always be solving problems
as long as I’m always trying to improve.

Improve in what areas though I wonder.

I think one good area would be in creating experiences.

I wonder if I want to create real live experiences for myself
or if I want to focus on maybe something like story writing. ”

Some of that might have value, but not in the tired state I was hoping to use it in.
Now comes the realization:

maybe my tiredness is pushing me into one of those Si spirals

Well I just realized once again, that adventures(in real life)
are not planned. They just happen. So if there is nothing I urgently
want to venture out to do. I guess I could focus on creating some beautiful
things. Fencing could be good to. Also if I focused on finding more
interesting people to surround myself with, maybe the adventures will just
come out of this.

So I can focus on creating my own awe, and or finding it in other people.

hmmm, yup I feel that now the disatisfaction and thinking I need to
have a more defined focus is based on inferior Si wanting too much
stability.

My life will be an adventure as long as I focus on doing things as I find
interest in them. Maybe no need to push myself. As long as I remain healthy
I’ll be happy to go with the flow a bit more and just blog and vlog about
the adventures as they unfold.

Also could be that I’m trying to do a bunch of stuff just to say I do those
things when really I just want to do music… and the other things I already
do.

When I’m in a more positive mood, I don’t do as much trying to be something.

I just get inspiration to do things cause they seem like cool ideas.
Then I just do them.

WIth lack of sleep, I don’t get those inspirations. So maybe Si is realizing
I have no inspired direction where I should have a constant sort of stream of
inspiration. So it says, wait, you don’t have any goals, any interests?
What about your future? Better thing about that man. No time for sleep,
you don’t have a future…

So Si starts telling my Ne to search fot things I might be able to be inpired
by when the truth is the inspiration and many of the ideas come from inside
and there is no need to force them. It’s just that I’m tired.

I was thinking, I wonder if maybe humans are striving for a point where they
can just relax. What would happen in that case. I realized when I’m most
relax that is when the best ideas come (unless my mind is just blank which
takes effort mostly).

So as well as letting people find me, I think I need to just let inspiration
find me more. I assume that is how I recently got back into music, iunno.

So I will stop trying to become something, or find a goal for material for
youtube, and just let the inspiration and therefore adventure, come to
me in whatever form it does.

Of course if my inspiration tells me to search for something fun to do, that’s
different that my inferior Si telling me to do it.

I feel like this Si spiral is only made possible by modern technology especially internet ect. Without that distract and information at my finger tips I feel I’d be more ok with just going to bed and letting it go until the next day. Well anyways…bed time!

Sociology: For someone(entp?) who loves strategic challenge and humanity

well it’s 1:30 once again and here I am with another idea: Also I’ll note for the record I jogged twice week. once for 20 min on Wednesday after weights, and Friday(yesterday) for 8min lol after weights (felt burnout approaching so I stopped)  .

The process of weeding out bad options:

I mean, this may just be the natural process my mind has to go through to get to the right path. Just like the process of quitting a bad habit takes many attempts for the mind to learn the difference in mood from doing it and not doing it, for it to feel rewarding to not do it. I think the same type of thing is happening with this job search. I am slowly narrowing down my options. I moved away from the idea of just working for money, it didn’t feel right on so many levels, like I would be neglecting myself and everyone else.

The process of weeding out beautiful-inspired options that are somehow missing something:

I’m kind of moving away from art and music as well because although I enjoy them they don’t draw me in as much as I feel a job/game should. I need something focused more on strategy in an empowering feeling way that makes me feel alive. I want whatever career/game I chose to go into, to feel awesome to the music I listen to. I mean, I want to be able to play Avril Lavign’s losing grip” while walking to my friends house and feel like I am someone important, someone who is making a difference. I want that more than money.

 

The process of using experiences that make me feel alive as a gauge for what I like:

MTG, SC, Smash Brose, these games with strategy draw me in. It’s the strategy, the decision making, that draws me it. This is not replicated in programming and math because in these areas it seems mostly about buildings something based on how other people have done it. I would rather work on things where I use my mind strategically to solve something where I have less to go on. That is why in the above named games I am hesitant to even follow the strategies available I would much rather create my own.

The process of weeding out options that fit the above model except they are missing the people element:

Also programming and math are lacking a people element and it doesn’t seem authentic for me to go into either when the reason I would be doing so would be souly based on how I feel it would help humanity for me to do so. Psychology is cool but it is in a way more removed from “people” as although there is research to go into since I’m not interested in counseling(although once I get this sorted out I’ll probably try life coaching on the side, or at least market my blog. I also still feel like that research would be pretty far removed from the world of people.

The process of hindsight for seeing what would have made my choice an obvious one:

After seeing the video by Daniel H. Pink, I feel more confident to explore the possibility of sociology. Now thinking about it, I am pretty sure it is no coincidence that the course in school I think I found most engaging so far has been sociology at Seneca, and next would be European Civilization at York which I feel is deeply centered around sociology.

The process of building up determination and confronting possible obstacles/roadblocks:

I have heard many things about sociology being not a worth while course and only people bad at math go into them. However, I see the other side of the coin, about how it is actually needed, and that someone like me could probably make a huge difference in that area.

So that is where I’m at now, not sure how I’ll feel in the morning. Iunno what I’m basing everything on is, can I study the subject on my own and still feel engaged. That is a test I’ve been trying because it seems if I can’t do that, then it’s usually because I’m not interested in it enough but just interested in the people who are interested in it. Also I have this fear that if I chose a career that is based on just helping people, then if people don’t want my help, (this is worse case senario) if they just say, we actually only want people who can make technical stuff, if you can’t do that then we don’t need you(in society). Or something like that or I just get sick of people (which would probably mean depression which I avoid). However, I feel my study of people is not limited to helping them, but it is also just about me understanding them and maybe well not exactly integrating, but maybe learning how to improve relationships. So I feel that kind of knowledge will never be a waste. Also, thinking positively I guess the better I understand people the better I can figure out things I can create and provide for them, within my range of interest.

The thoughts that come after 2am about a goal I’m not even sure I’m going to go with…

Also, as I think I’ve wrote before, I’m more interested in doing what I believe in than in doing what other people want to pay me for. I mean, if I think the world could benefit from ideas like MBTI and others that I can research on, I would rather that be my life’s work and no one want it, than spend my life working on something I think is pointless for me and for society, and be paid to do that shit. I mean, as long as some people care about me (since as I said before I am in this spiritual position because I have people who love me, otherwise I’m not sure if I would care enough about others to be so focused on them, well maybe as long as I kept healthy, maybe it’s just a natural part of me… guess it doesn’t matter tho). Iunno, this is worse case scenario stuff though, basically it’s like saying what if I had a masters in comp sci but no one wanted to hire me just because. However, at least this way I am focused on what I actually care about. Basically, it’s for all the marbles. If I get tossed in the waste bin, I will remember how I fought the good fight. Also I’ll not give up and just take it one day at a time with my positive goal in mind and with a winning attitude.

After stepping back to see what I’ve been neglecting, Daniel H. Pink, Right Brained Economy

A few days ago after all the attempts and deciding on a path, and thinking maybe programming would work, I noticed that the choice didn’t feel sincere. Like I was selling myself and everyone else short by going that route. I felt like I just had so much more to offer although society didn’t have a place for it. So I took a step back and looked at all the other people in my life who at the present moment I had been kind of neglecting and would probably have to continue neglecting to give what I was truly capable of if I went that way, and it looked grim. From my research (not much I’ll admit) apparently although there is less war, there is actually more conflict now in the world. It’s just the way people relate to each other in general now that is far from optimal.

I realized, I mean just what am I even living for it I’m going to walk through life following the money and letting all my natural abilities that could help a lot of people just be relegated to the side project status. I thought about it, like when I die, what do I want to leave behind. Not based on other peoples idea of what a legacy is, but mine. What would feel worth while for me. So I realized I had to do better. Art, music, writing, just something. Something that would make an actual impact.

So yesterday I stumbled across “A whole NEW MIND: Why right-Brainers Will Rule the Future By Daniel H. Pink.” and it shed some light on the situation from an economic perspective which was great because even though I would rather my life be about helping others in the best way I can than making money, I still felt I shouldn’t have to neglect myself. So he basically says that in the future people with my skills will be in demand and that it’s slowly happening already and I totally see it. So I think I will focus more on doing things I feel are important and not on just money, also not on fame or anything like that either. I don’t want to be motivated by trying to get love, I want to be motivated by the growth of my own love for others and for the universe.

According to Daniel H., meaning is found in the service of others. However at least for me if feels like my true feelings of love don’t come from helping people, but instead they come from hearing an amazing song and witnessing other beauties and art forms, and mindfulness and meditation, and philosophy, and I guess to some extent novelty. So I wonder if I should be focusing on helping other people, or if I should be focusing on reaching some sort of nirvana or something. It just seems at least so far that all the value I’ve created was based on me seeking my own happiness. Although I have empathy, iunno if that comes from my parents infj isfx?, or from watching good tv and reading good books, or just the social environment in general. Iunno, and it helps to have empathy and want good things for the world(also philosophy for wanting good things for the world (terry goodkind)) but I still don’t see myself as a therapist. I have empathy and/or sympathy but I’m not too emotionally available.

I actually feel weird when I do something nice and a person is over joyed ect, because I just wish they could do it themselves, like be self-empowered and not so helpless. I think if I do focus on others it will be with that as the end goal. For people to be more self-empowered. my problem though is I get very easily discouraged when I try to help someone and they don’t want the help. I mean I don’t get upset but I just feel like, maybe I shouldn’t be trying so hard. That and the above is more reason to just focus on myself.

Then there are things like striving to become more attractive, body building ect. Do I do these things for me, or is it to try and win the love of someone else. Is it vanity or is it art. Is it abundance or scarcity. I know I have always wanted to have an awesome body, however now that I am pretty close to it I wonder if it is still for the right reasons. I am more sex obsessed now and I also wonder the same thing about sex. Is it good to want a partner to be very attracted to you or is it the same as trying to get someone to love you instead of loving yourself. Well what I think is that as long as you aren’t depending on it for happiness it makes a nice bonus. Like, if you are happy with who you are and if you feel you could be happy if you were unattractive and with no one finding you attractive, then I feel by all means strive to be even more attractive for your lover and for your enjoyment. However, I feel that in this day and age maybe priority should be on loving ones self first because in this age of abundance there is no need for self hatred as a motivator for survival, so all it does is takes away from enjoyment and growth and actually it takes away from survival lol. This is the age of intrinsic motivation, and intrinsic value.

 

Politics of the Passionate

 Wow, I thought I was finished but I’m not. Making a living is about people supporting you, because they support what you bring to the table. So either you believe in what you want to bring to the table, either fitness, or psychology, or whatever,  or you let other people decide what is important to you. It’s a lot like the SJ(not to say it’s only SJs or all SJs who are the issue) I had to deal with a few days ago. Do I decide to just follow the orders of the outspoken, in fear that I might be ostracized for being myself, or do I fight for what I feel is every persons right, the right to not be disturbed by someone who I feel really doesn’t give a shit about me or most people, and is content to just take what they want in life. Then do I keep silent, or do I make sure I am at all times being authentic with my views, especially my views on what I feel is important in life, authentic in what I feel is my gift to humanity, what I feel I should be supported to do.

So now I’m thinking(also based on something from personalityjunkie, that I need to be a bit more courageous when it comes to these things. I mean, I guess it’s easier to say now that I feel by following my functions in order will give me a strong productive direction in life, still, thinking about that SJ wakes me up even more because he was like a microcosm of everything I should be fighting against. Not to say it’s either me or him, just to say he thinks and he speaks for everyone in the cafe when he tells me I should do what he says, well I speak for me, and I say, I speak for everyone as well when I say I should not do what he says.  Who is right. I am pretty sure if it came down to a vote and we ignored who was more charismatic at the time it would not be unanimous. Some people would have thought I was being rude, some would have realized they wouldn’t like to have been approached that way either. Without my vote, the cafe becomes polarized in his direction. He spoke for everyone, so in a way he removed the freedom of everyone by there silence(although most were just not paying attention, I’m saying hypothetically) However, if I disagreed, I introduce a second view. Not that I want to win, just that I think I shouldn’t be forced to lose. That is what I believe in in those scenarios.

That is a microcosm of our society where in we have people wanting to work jobs that express what they think is the highest value they can offer others, and we have people working towards things mostly for themselves and who would rather the first people to just submit and work for them, and we have most people just in the middle undecided. As more people from the side of authentically working for others decide to go that route, there will be less people working for the side that works for themselves. As this happens, the undecided in the middle will also have to more further divide their support between the two sides. See, the people who work so they can share with others, really have nothing to lose because they are working for others, and inspired by what they can find, and give, they win by doing and by giving away based on their beliefs. They are therefore an unstoppable force if they decide they will all focus on giving. The ones that focus on taking, are the most unstable because they only win if they are gaining something for themselves. They win by doing and by taking. The undecided in the middle find solace in both sides. By receiving from the takers who give on the condition that they are supported in their taking, and by receiving from the givers who they are inspired to give back to if they are moved to believe in what they are receiving.

The takers make their choices fast. It’s not that they don’t have anything to offer, it’s just that they do it in a very yang way. They create order but it is order based on themselves. It is Machiavellian in that way. On the other hand the givers at this point in history in this society are being swayed more often by the takers BECAUSE most of the undecided are swayed by the takers BECAUSE the givers are still growing into their understanding of their place in the world and are not offering any alternate path. This is slowly changing as people now spend more on average on entertainment (and I’m guessing on soul searching as well) than ever. I believe it IS getting easier for people to follow what they believe in an make a difference and be supported. I just think it’s happening so slowly that the givers are getting scared that no one is going to catch them if they jump for it.

See it seems like for me having Fe as my tertiary function, I am more inclined to go with the flow of things(for the sake of social harmony), but then regret it later. However, that is only until I realize that doing so is actually worse for social harmony or at least for myself, than being authentic in my disagreement from the start. It seems all the NFs I know instead chose to go for what they believe in first, and only do what they have to in the mean time to support those wants. For me, as I said last post, I had been going based on Si, and also I think to a lesser and more big picture degree, Fe. Si for Moving towards stability by choosing the hard sciences and Fe by moving towards social harmony by aiming for a job with some company somewhere instead of striking out on my own, or maybe it’s Fe for deciding I need to make as much as the average person so I don’t feel like a loser, or Fe making money for future wife and family. So, it’s not that I should try to become an Fi user, although iunno how those work, maybe I am using it somehow.

What I need to do is go Ne for finding what is important to me, Ti (which I’ve been using to argue for why it’s important) for learning about it and developing and executing ideas, Fe for sharing those ideas with others, Si to stay healthy and if absolutely necessary do the most menial job in the mean time(which would depend on circumstances like how much money I need coming in to do what I want(the meaningful things I guess, + the fun, how many people do I need to support, ect) So if I am interested in starting a family then I’ll do what it takes to support one, but I’m not going to make that my priority when I’m not an Fe dominant. Nor will I go out searching for a girlfriend/wife, for the same reason. Nor will I do what some guy says for fear of being ostracized for standing up for what I believe in when I know I would not be happy with the alternative. That’s just compensating for an inflamed Si probably, even when it’s about loneliness, it’s the Si I think. Fe is about harmony outside the self, Si is about how you feel inside which would include extroversion needs and general well being needs of company. I guess sometimes I could fee pressured enough to use my Fe to please others for the sake of my Si, but that is moving backwards. The right way for me, is Ne seeing ideas that help people, Ti understanding how they work and implementing them for the sake of Fe’s desire for that harmony and Si feeling good about the chemical release that comes from making the world a better place.

 

After meeting up with friends: ENTP: Relationships > Industry & Self-Empowered = Take responsibility you social life

Or maybe philosophy is what has been saving me this whole time, and I should give it more
of a focus. It seems to me that even if I was rich, if I didn’t have the type of
relationships I wanted, I wouldn’t be happy. There is just no substitute. On the other hand
if I was poor but had amazing friends, including a hot gf, I would be very happy. I mean
I would still probably want to focus on self-improvement but it’s no subsitute for
relationships for me. I think what has been happening often is some of those relationships
will go sour and I will rationalize it as I am depending on those people and they are
not depending on me so I am the loser if things go bad, and if I need them then I must
defer to them and they will make more money than me and they will get the girls that
I want, and I should just be happy that they are doing me the favour of being my friend.

heh, maybe one to many istjs or something, Iunno. See I feel like my most authentic
self is not bringing something to “the market” but bringing something to society as a whole,
which they wont even look at unless they know me and have the connections. It makes it
seem like I don’t have any power. If I was good at something that was needed in the market
already, something people pay for already, then I would make money. However, if my
true interests don’t fall in market areas I wouldn’t be bein authentic. Therefore I would
not be free, even if I was making money. I wouldn’t be free until I was doing what I
really wanted, and maybe not even until I was being paid for it, showing that people really
do appreciate what I have to offer. If it’s just volunteer for something I feel is deserving
of payment I will probably feel undervalued.

So it seems th most authentic thing for me is to get involved with other people. Basically
althought I like my independance, it seems the way I want to express it is by being
apart of something. Now, does that make me inherently disempowered? I feel that depends
on a few things. One is my attitude towards meeting new people and in what I become
involved in. I can see it from a point of desperation where I NEED to fit in with
these people no matter what, to feel good. This way I give all my power away to them and
if they don’t respect me I’ll just take it. That is bad. The other way is to say, my goal
is to make relationships that are mutualy benificial and where we both want to help each
other because we both like each other, and I wont except anything less, so if I can’t
have that with you, I will move on to find someone for whom I can. This way it is
way healthier, not desperate, and it means two people becoming friends through the
non-desparate intrestin in enjoying life and making good things(including money) happen,
but not willing to settle for relationships that don’t include a mutual respect and
benifit.

If my enjoyment in life comes from being involved in projects with people
that only really becomes disempowering if the people I want to be involved with, don’t
want to be involved with me. This way it becomes like it was throughout elemenary and junior
high school. If I decide that I am looking to do cool things with people that respect me,
and who I respect, and only that, then there is no way it will be disempowering. It’s
all or nothing. I either get the good relationships, and the money, and the fun, or I
just keep searching. That is my job. I’m not a begger, I’m not a scavenger, I’m just
someone who knows what makes them happy, and I am happy even just knowing I am going
for it, instead of something I’m not happy going for.

See if life for me were mainly about being a super hero cyborg, then ofcourse I would be
focusing on that. However, I feel people are more important to me than that, which
is what makes it so inauthentic to try to be that person who goes for that. It’s like
I’m wishing I was that person who only wanted to be super powerful, BECAUSE I think it’s
not ok to want friends, but because in reality I do want friends, I am unable to enjoy
working towards that vision.

To be authentic would be to decide to focus on making new friends, and working with cool
people. To be empowered, is to accept that it may not work out, but also to accept that
you wont stand for anything less than the love and respect you want from people and people
you love and respect, and goals you love and respect. It’s All or nothing. No settling.

I’ll just restate he importance of my value, in my area of passion, actually being useful
enough that I feel fulfilled in my contribution and as well that others are actually
helped as much as I feel they are. and useful enough that people gladly pay. I think I
stated this already, but yeah, I think if it’s the most important thing to me, it will be
worthy of payment.

Now, I did after all, realize this perspective through, well for one it was through
meeting up with a friendI hadn’t seen in years, as well as other friends I would call
closest in a way. However it is also based on my desire to make a living. HOWEVER,
more importantly it is based on my desire to make a living, and work up to making a living,
in an enjoyable way, and for me, this means working with other people I like, towards
something that affects us all (or maybe even just affects them) in a way I like. This is why
I don’t play videogames by myself. I need to know I am entertaining someone or teaching
someone or inspiring someone, ect, otherwise I see no point in improving my skill level.

I mostly don’t stick to learning something unless I’m in school with other people I get to
interact with every day.

So anyways, if I want to be all or nothing , focusing on finding cool people to do things
I believe in with, that poses the questions, should I not change myself to become more
valuable to others so they are more willing to work with me? I think no so far. For one,
because would I want to hang out with someone if I have to meet some criteria that is not
myself before hand? I mean, it’s not like I’m not interested in anything, I am still a
person. I just feel like I am not as interested in STEM and more interested in Social
Sciences and fun and intellectually stimulating fun at that. So I should find people
who r like me, and we can build each other up. If I was the only one like me, then I
guess I would not have these ideals to work towards in the first place so that is my basis
for dismissing even further, the idea that I am becoming less independant. I am no less
independant, I am just, as an independant, deciding to meet other people who I connect with
an building a bright future with them.

Then there is the question, well what if there are four of us and we come together to
do something cool? Then what? If it’s not marketable, do we get to eat?
Well here is to hoping that getting enough of us together to create something
will mean creating something amazing and if not marketable(because I’m not really interested
in the market) Will change the world somehow, not to mention some of the people I connect
with, may be already in many different areas in society, pursuiing their passions as well
and already stable, and connecting with me would just mean me adding even more to them
and their areas.

What all this means is… some people might be able to do cool things on
their own, and not need to work with anyone else to get a good job ect. Then there is me
and if I had to survive I guess I would do anything, but while that isn’t the concern I
feel like I am hard pressed to pretend it is when I think I can do even better, if only I
could find people willing to work with me. So who is willing?

From now on, maybe I will seek out people who will actually feel excitement in working with
me. Not people who might hire me. I have to do better, for a career, and for life. I will make
myself visible to the people who would respect me. Who support me because they believe in my
interests and goals and ideas.

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