The Drive for Authenticity, for Being Human

So to summarize the last little bit there:

For the longest time I have been in search of a life full of meaning.
I thought it should be like an action packed movie or game.
As I grew older the urgency grew as I started to feel less and less human,
living in the same house of my providers, not being able to
provide for myself even, let alone do something meaningful.

Tonight I felt the cold winter wind on my face and hands, and I
retreated into the warmth of my parents house, only to realize I was
running away from the possibility of being truly authentic, which I would
be if I had no home to turn to, and had to fight for my survival, for any
shred of warmth, even against society.

I listened to the opening song of a show and realized not all music I love
urges me to live out the fantasies of some other person’s story.
So I realized there was an origional part of me, that music could go with.

I realized part of me would rather freeze to death than live in
an inauthentic and dependant way, but that going back out into the night
then, would be a waste, a step in the wrong direction. However, so would
moving towards a job in a feild that would just be making a living.

So I realized I would rather continue with school, and more philosophy
especially, and possibly end up in the cold at a later point, after having
tried to make a difference to the best of my abilities. If that happened, I
would accept it, and do my best, and it would be me, and I would be proud,
and turn my nose up at anyone or anything that didn’t see why I’ve won.

Rather that, than spend any amount of time trying to secure a job I don’t
believe I should be doing, to be supported by a society in which I would
not be living authentically.

So, I have a very strong need now, to make something of this path that I
have chosen. I need it, as if I were still outside trying to get in.


Seduction: What is “fun” really?

So I went for a jog a few days ago, ad I’m still riding on the increase in neurochemicals from that. It’s propelled me to just exude a positive vibe when this woman was being a bitch serving me lunch. I ended up with an free sandwich because I just explained to the other server why I misunderstood the format of ordering. I kept the positive vibe and I feel like it was a victory for everyone involved because any negative energy directed at me just bounced off and disappeared, while I gave off more good and confident) vibes.

So before I start I just want to say that things like jogging and meditation show us that our true happiness comes from within. Once we learn that, it shows up as a confidence because we become in control of our emotional state, for as long as well can keep up jogging or meditating etc. This also manifests in our reactions to other peoples negative energy. We don’t need them to make us feel good, and so they can’t make as feel bad. We are in control. We just exude a positive vibe that helps everyone else.

So, What is fun?

Since my creativity level has improved due to jogging and vitamin d etc I have a more clear idea of what fun is. An idea that instead of being hindered by fear, there is no fear, but instead there is only thrill.

For example, if you are going out to have a fun night, what is fun? Dancing? Like everyone else? Is that an adventure?

I feel like if I’m going to have fun I need to be pushing boundaries. I am in school and realized if I study something it needs to be on the cutting edge. This is because it’s what is fun for me. Therefore if I go out to a club what is fun wont being in for a nice conversation and dancing and a quick make-out etc and the whole boring old charade that everyone does. It’s not fun for me, and because of this, if I try to do it, girls will feel the lack of energy.
So if I think all that stuff is boring, then I guess the oneness is on me to come up with something that actually is fun. For the most part something like this in a social situation was kind of like a blind spot for me. I just assumed what everyone else does is all there is. That the things I generally do, are all that is fun for me. That my fun and their fun, were just not compatible. Now I see things differently.

I can have fun. In a club or bar venue. It’s just that it might have to be a version of truth or dare, with an emphasis on dare. It wont be everyone’s cup of tea, but the people who get it, will probably really get it. Basically, when I walk into a venue where everyone’s anuses are so tight that …not even light can escape it ….lol fuck I mean I can either leave, or I can just explore what I can get away with. Like, how efficient can I be at getting what I want out of this chaotic social scene “excuse me, yea hi, can I get a kiss?” next girl “excuse me, yeah hi, can I get a kiss?”  “can I smell your hair? I want to know what it smells like. I have a guess but I want to actually find out now!” “Can I get a quick make-out”(naw that’s sloppy seconds) I mean, if everyone wants to have fun, I feel like this is fun. I guess not all girls will agree, but…I agree…sooo…there’s that. Fuck, now I actually want to go to a club. “hey everyone, I wanna introduce myself and gauge how cool everyone is here so HI”

I mean if you want to talk self amused, in a club or bar scene, that is self amused for me. Not pulling a girl outside for a deep conversation, not trying to be Jim Carry in the mask on the dance floor. Not making a fool out of myself for anyone else’s amusement either. No, what I want to see is how much I can do of what I want to do. How many boundaries can I cross (within reason of course), and reach new uncharted territory.

I mean sure it’s cool to find people I can connect with on deeper subjects. Connection is healthy and powerful. However, it seems “fun” for me is more about exploration, than finding all the things we have in common. Exploration of just, the world, of who people are, of what life can be, etc. The thing is, doing this seems to be aided strongly by a level of optimism inside to make it ok to dare.

Wow, for so lon I have kept myself in this kind of box of what fun was. Real fun has come out once or twice, like when I was drunk and just wanted to try something. However, in daily life, I have become more subdued. However, increasing my metabolism to that of a teenager through exercise, seems to correspond to increasing my interest in “risky behavior”, which if done in a controlled fashion is probably what a lot of people are itching for but don’t know it. (Controlled, meaning hopefully the itching should not be from a brand new std)

Extroverted Enneagram Type 5, Let people approach me instead

Kind of a paradox to be an extrovert who is one of the most introverted enneagram types but I feel that is my situation. This gives me even more ideas as to how best to interact with others, and way doing so in other ways doesn’t work out.

It’s almost like there is a sort of order in natural social interactions for me where when people approach me, things work out fairly well where as if I approach them things don’t work out as well and don’t feel as natural. This could be a natural thing type 5s or born with, or it could be nuture like I get approached often and get used to it, but I don’t it’s the later for some reason.

Although I am an extrovert, being type five means I’m sensitive to reactions of others. I don’t mean sensitive like getting emotional, I mean sensitive like I’m kind of a perfectionist when it comes to social interactions. Anyways, I feel this may have been what caused me social anxiety in the past, and is now what makes me feel someone inadequate when it comes to initiating conversations. However, it’s not that I don’t know how to be social, it’s more like if it wont go perfectly or very well it will be a downer to my energy levels. However, is someone else initiates it and I am reacting to them, maybe it’s like I feel like I can’t put my best foot forward in an interaction because my best foot will depend partly on what the other person wants to get out of the interaction. The same way I don’t feel comfortable telling people what to do, I don’t feel authentic just pushing myself on people. I’d rather they decide for themselves if I am someone they want to talk to.

It’s not only for my sake, I also acknowledge the possibility that an interaction with me could end up being bad for them. Not like I’m a bad person or anything but just that we might not be right for each other and end up doing more harm than good by being being introduced to each others lives. I trust myself to be able to overcome any negatives, but I don’t trust them I guess, and don’t want to hurt others unintentionally. I guess since I’ve done a lot of obvserving I can see more variables than most people and to me people seem extremely fragile.

So all that plus the general demotivation that comes from poor reception, makes me feel
more comfortable letting people come to me. Also I am very good with answering questions about topics I am comfortable speaking about. Even just trying to be funny, I can be funny but I realized I don’t feel comforable being funny for the sake of gaining friends. That does’t feel right at all. I am funny WITH friends, or for my own enjoyment or just if something comes to me, but trying to be funny isn’t me being more social, it’s me being inauthentic.

The only problem is being an extrovert means losing energy when not around people. What I’ve been doing here so far is trying to do my studying and stuff at the library or somewhere public, (and with podasts?/). Also I try to find game events and things where I am interacting with others on working towards a goal. Plus there is school with classes where I can get involved by asking questions. Then there is work, and also the gym. All this being around people gives people chances to see who I am and decide if they want to talk to me for themselves. I think the reason I get energy even from just being around people, is that somewhere in me I know that is social and it’s enough that the right relationships will come out of it.

I feel(noticed) that for all my approaching of other people this past year I’ve still made more friends from being approached than the other way around and most of the girls that seemed to like me, seemed to like me before meeting me.

People seem to think that the man should do the approaching and they make it into a sort of hierarchy thing, like dominance and submission. However, that stuff is not a concrete human thing, it’s a phenomenon that exists in interactions between certain types, of which I think I am not. For me it seems to make far more sense to let people approach me, and it also can be seen as dominance(if that is the masculine thing iunno) as I am being sought after, instead of me being the one chasing.

I can extend this even to careers. I like this blog and I like my youtube channel and things of this nature for there own sake, I’ll just say that. For careers though, it seems there are two ways to go about it. One is to go out looking for a job, and approaching employers and selling myself. The second is for employers search for me. Either because they heard of me and want my help, or because they are looking for someone with my skills and stumble across me. Although it’s safe to say that said employer must be looking for something specific for them to come across me with any reasonable probability, I also think it safe to say that a type 5 would have a a unique skill set.

Also I feel this is might be way I don’t enjoy making videos of me talking on youtube, but rather just do music. Videos don’t seem appropriate because all I want to do is express my thoughts, and mainly to myself first, and second to anyone else stumbles on them. This is done far better through writing for me, than youtube so I see no reason to use youtube. It would be like advertising mostly, and I don’t feel that is authentic for me to self advertise as if I know what other people need or even just what is worth highlighting about myself in video format. Right now I’d much rather that be based on someone elses needs. Iunno though, we’ll see.

Politics of the Passionate

 Wow, I thought I was finished but I’m not. Making a living is about people supporting you, because they support what you bring to the table. So either you believe in what you want to bring to the table, either fitness, or psychology, or whatever,  or you let other people decide what is important to you. It’s a lot like the SJ(not to say it’s only SJs or all SJs who are the issue) I had to deal with a few days ago. Do I decide to just follow the orders of the outspoken, in fear that I might be ostracized for being myself, or do I fight for what I feel is every persons right, the right to not be disturbed by someone who I feel really doesn’t give a shit about me or most people, and is content to just take what they want in life. Then do I keep silent, or do I make sure I am at all times being authentic with my views, especially my views on what I feel is important in life, authentic in what I feel is my gift to humanity, what I feel I should be supported to do.

So now I’m thinking(also based on something from personalityjunkie, that I need to be a bit more courageous when it comes to these things. I mean, I guess it’s easier to say now that I feel by following my functions in order will give me a strong productive direction in life, still, thinking about that SJ wakes me up even more because he was like a microcosm of everything I should be fighting against. Not to say it’s either me or him, just to say he thinks and he speaks for everyone in the cafe when he tells me I should do what he says, well I speak for me, and I say, I speak for everyone as well when I say I should not do what he says.  Who is right. I am pretty sure if it came down to a vote and we ignored who was more charismatic at the time it would not be unanimous. Some people would have thought I was being rude, some would have realized they wouldn’t like to have been approached that way either. Without my vote, the cafe becomes polarized in his direction. He spoke for everyone, so in a way he removed the freedom of everyone by there silence(although most were just not paying attention, I’m saying hypothetically) However, if I disagreed, I introduce a second view. Not that I want to win, just that I think I shouldn’t be forced to lose. That is what I believe in in those scenarios.

That is a microcosm of our society where in we have people wanting to work jobs that express what they think is the highest value they can offer others, and we have people working towards things mostly for themselves and who would rather the first people to just submit and work for them, and we have most people just in the middle undecided. As more people from the side of authentically working for others decide to go that route, there will be less people working for the side that works for themselves. As this happens, the undecided in the middle will also have to more further divide their support between the two sides. See, the people who work so they can share with others, really have nothing to lose because they are working for others, and inspired by what they can find, and give, they win by doing and by giving away based on their beliefs. They are therefore an unstoppable force if they decide they will all focus on giving. The ones that focus on taking, are the most unstable because they only win if they are gaining something for themselves. They win by doing and by taking. The undecided in the middle find solace in both sides. By receiving from the takers who give on the condition that they are supported in their taking, and by receiving from the givers who they are inspired to give back to if they are moved to believe in what they are receiving.

The takers make their choices fast. It’s not that they don’t have anything to offer, it’s just that they do it in a very yang way. They create order but it is order based on themselves. It is Machiavellian in that way. On the other hand the givers at this point in history in this society are being swayed more often by the takers BECAUSE most of the undecided are swayed by the takers BECAUSE the givers are still growing into their understanding of their place in the world and are not offering any alternate path. This is slowly changing as people now spend more on average on entertainment (and I’m guessing on soul searching as well) than ever. I believe it IS getting easier for people to follow what they believe in an make a difference and be supported. I just think it’s happening so slowly that the givers are getting scared that no one is going to catch them if they jump for it.

See it seems like for me having Fe as my tertiary function, I am more inclined to go with the flow of things(for the sake of social harmony), but then regret it later. However, that is only until I realize that doing so is actually worse for social harmony or at least for myself, than being authentic in my disagreement from the start. It seems all the NFs I know instead chose to go for what they believe in first, and only do what they have to in the mean time to support those wants. For me, as I said last post, I had been going based on Si, and also I think to a lesser and more big picture degree, Fe. Si for Moving towards stability by choosing the hard sciences and Fe by moving towards social harmony by aiming for a job with some company somewhere instead of striking out on my own, or maybe it’s Fe for deciding I need to make as much as the average person so I don’t feel like a loser, or Fe making money for future wife and family. So, it’s not that I should try to become an Fi user, although iunno how those work, maybe I am using it somehow.

What I need to do is go Ne for finding what is important to me, Ti (which I’ve been using to argue for why it’s important) for learning about it and developing and executing ideas, Fe for sharing those ideas with others, Si to stay healthy and if absolutely necessary do the most menial job in the mean time(which would depend on circumstances like how much money I need coming in to do what I want(the meaningful things I guess, + the fun, how many people do I need to support, ect) So if I am interested in starting a family then I’ll do what it takes to support one, but I’m not going to make that my priority when I’m not an Fe dominant. Nor will I go out searching for a girlfriend/wife, for the same reason. Nor will I do what some guy says for fear of being ostracized for standing up for what I believe in when I know I would not be happy with the alternative. That’s just compensating for an inflamed Si probably, even when it’s about loneliness, it’s the Si I think. Fe is about harmony outside the self, Si is about how you feel inside which would include extroversion needs and general well being needs of company. I guess sometimes I could fee pressured enough to use my Fe to please others for the sake of my Si, but that is moving backwards. The right way for me, is Ne seeing ideas that help people, Ti understanding how they work and implementing them for the sake of Fe’s desire for that harmony and Si feeling good about the chemical release that comes from making the world a better place.


Journal 18/04/2014: Meaningful Direction Brainstorm: Celestine Prophecy: Interests: People, Lives

Idea: find things that bring me energy because then I’ll have energy to give back like Celestine prophecy style.

Note: knowing that doing something I’m interested in will add to my life and knowing that the knowledge can be given to others.
Note: I don’t have to pick just one thing and actually should have many bcause variety and novelty are important for me.

Defining “adds to my life” I do this to compare it to the ideal of the scientist or inventor to adds tangible product to his world:

By add to my life I mean learning how to solve a problem or add pleasure in a way that requires me to learn and grow. So it wont be just like jerking off to porn which in the end adds no joy. So whatever things add to my life will be empowering. Also Curiosity is strong in me for things I feel it for and this adds meaning to my life and especially when I can share my findings/discoveries, with others. So meaning for me(energy in) and knowledge to share(energy out)

What adds to my life the most in that I find interest in it and learn and grow from it

Strongest: I have a strong desire to know more people, and their lives, how they think ect, as well as my self and my life and how I think.

So in general Psych, sociology, philosophy, language, ect. And for these areas I enjoy learning and creating both fiction and non-fiction. Although within these fields I need the freedom to learn only what about it interests me, not forcing myself to learn what others think I should. At times one of these becomes most interesting if it solves a problem, especially phil which I call what I am doing now, phil.

Next is having fun with people. Listening to music, ect. These add meaning but usually more incidental learning.

Next is expressing myself(through fictional or artistic means) although I guess I don’t often have the motivation to do it. ALSO I get most of my motivation for this when I am inspired by some event or revelation or feeling. Often something social(poetry: relationship/friendship) or involves people(movies, books, videogames for AMVs) and also I often need to know that people will connect with what I show otherwise why bother.

Authenticity and the disadvantaged:

I wonder if everyone has an area of learning/doing/ect where if everyone did it, everyone would be happy and have enough energy to pass around to anyone who they could help, resulting in everyone who needed help, getting that help. The problem we have now at least in the most powerful country in the world is that people don’t like poverty/weakness ect. They see it as a burden. Why is this? What I wonder is if a person with energy coming in has enough that they feel inspired to give of their abundance to whoever they can including those in need. Or maybe they just give to who ever wants what they have to offer and leave the rest. Would that still be enough if more people did it instead of trying to be something inauthentic?

On thinking vs creating value:

Photography seems cool. Taking pictures of people and life, hmmm. I mean, if I really NEEDED to fend for myself, and do programming ect, I could. I’d still do the minimum I’d have to in order to get by though because excelling in something just for the sake of it, having more stuff just for the sake of it, is not fulfilling for me. It’s not freeing. I need to be authentic. I still find myself being obsessed with people like ENFJs ect. It’s often people who do cool things. Does this make me just an observer, never doing cool things of my own? No, it makes me authentic. Also if I reflect and come up with more inspired ideas, that is the cool things I do. Does it matter that I don’t create something tangible or something that can be sold? No, I think we have enough consumer products. I want to gain energy. I want to be the most authentic version of myself. If I create something, I want it to be out of love.

Note: Hanging out with friends will be separate from planned study of people though, although if I am inspired by observations of my life or theirs or them ect, of course I’ll note it, but  No, I don’t want to do hang out just for the sake of being productive.


Here is a link to a blog that has a lot of information on NP types and how they are as writers, which I feel can be generalized to how they feel about learning and improving and self-expression and meaning stuff because that is usually what we write about

Here is a link to a forum where an ENTP discusses with others about how he is interested in people and not in technology and the conclusion is that he is still an NT and many are this way:


Thank-you for reading, and please feel free to comment with thoughts and to subscribe for more developments!

Journalism meaningful? (More directly addresses my goals?)

I’ve been low on sleep so I have opinions that could change by tmr, but here is mine right now and the argument for it which hopefully is valid.

what isn’t meaningful enough

Wondering if journalism is for me. I don’t have any overwhelming things I want to dedicate my life to. I like music, creative writing, and other art. I also like fitness and health. However, these are just things I do. Also I have school for psych so I have a back up that I have an interest in as well. However, when it comes to doing something meaningful, none of these stick out as super meaningful in the way that I feel driven to pursue them immediately. I just have an urge to be doing something to help the world, and it’s not that I am overly empathetic although I am somewhat empathetic. It’s more that I can’t imagine not doing something to help people and help our human experience in general. It’s not that music or psychology wouldn’t be helping. I just feel that unless I approach the world problems head on I don’t think my problem solving skills would be fully utilized.

why I avoid leadership type jobs

I feel like in the past, like as a kid, I must have been told not to boss people around or even try to change peoples decisions. Not as in, everyone should have there own opinion, ofcourse they should. I mean I feel someone told me at some point, not to be a leader, or something. I just get this feeling when I think about what I might have to do with my life. Not be a leader per say. It’s just that I know when someone is doing something questionable or unethical and why it isn’t of benefit to anyone, even them, to do that thing. I feel it’s my place somehow to lead people in more healthy directions than human trafficking and other crazy shit people do.

Why I should maybe do it

So it’s not that I’m shy, I’m pretty outspoken in public. Just that I guess I will get comfortable with the idea of writing to actually change peoples ways of thinking, for their benefit, and that of everyone around them. I just feel the best way to make a difference in a world where most of our problems are cause by us, is to address us. A lot of people seem to hate advice. Iunno, maybe I’ll have to be confrontational in that I’ll give it anyway.  It also feels like, can it be this easy. Just tell people that they should do this and not do that. I mean maybe most people wont listen, but at least I’m being authentic with my desires. I want people to stop snubbing each other for not being rich and dressing fancy. I want people to stop looking down on each other for super abstract reasons that have no bearing on today’s reality. I want people to stop hating themselves and wake up to how beautiful life can actually be otherwise.

am I feeling the passion?

final fantasy soundtrack:

It could be that it’s late at night, but when I play music now, and think about this as a course of action, it fits surprisingly well into what I would call a meaningful experience. I mean, I’m playing final fantasy 10 soundtrack and think about the fact that I would actually be fighting a battle against people who don’t see things the way I do. It feels right. I am intentionally allowing myself to sound a bit douchy because I guess I’m just seeing things this way for the first time in a while. That it’s ok to not hide in the back ground and just make a salary. If I authentically see a path in telling people what they should be doing, or at least suggesting what could be better than what they are currently doing, or what could also be good lol,and help figure out solutions to problems, then I shouldn’t force myself to hide and lead only by example.

Thoughts on process

hmmm, even within journalism I’ll still have to focus on a few key areas, I guess I’ll have so pick ones I’m interested like psychology(so I guess curiosity will play a factor), and maybe how it relates to some of the problems in economy, politics, crime, corruption, ect.  I can’t at this point see anything more meaningful than this. Maybe tmr tho… lol. Also I will still write about anything else cool I enjoy writing about if I go this route. Also I wouldn’t be doing this for the money, I’d be doing it for meaning and only meaning. I mean if I get a job doing it, it will be because I want to work for whatever company because they can help me with my vision, or a believe in there’s, I wont be focusing on money though, just on having something worth while to me to work towards in my life.

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