I just started a Mandarin Blog

Before I get to the Mandarin:

I’ll get to the mandarin in a second, first I wanna talk about art. I realized that when doing art and I guess music as well, I am way more motivated when working towards a goal that I will benefit from, rather than just practice. I find I learn pretty fast already and that I can learn things as I go. Practicing just to be practicing…to possible “master” something eventually, doesn’t appeal to me as much and I think that holds me back from any practice at all. So I realized I should probably focus on acquiring skills through purposeful use of them.

The Mandarin(not the restaurant…unless you are asking me out. In either case the following bracket is to close this aside, not to create a sad face with the colon that follows it):

Now for the mandarin bit, if you haven’t guessed already. I decided I should try to find a way to do the same for mandarin, and I realized one of the best ways would be to create a journal. Btw, I can’t help but notice my art ideas(a comic at least) and my Mandarin ideas (blog) are both very social in nature and I am motivated by this I THINK, but I wasn’t a few weeks ago…like back when I wasn’t on nofap. Just throwing that out there as it’s (common)knowledge that testosterone is a pro-social hormone.

Anyways, so as soon as I started making that first post I realized, wow there is a lot of review going on here. First I have to copy and paste from google translate, double checking the characters seem to say what I want to say. Also I can look at the pinyin for the words. Then I have to copy and paste the keywords again for tags. Then I have to search for keywords in the categories, or in this case add new ones as I had no categories as it was my first post.

I think  should do more of this, just immersing myself in Chinese, using it in my life. Using it to express myself.


Aesthetic Appreciation and Sex Drive

First I’m gonna through some links at ya…:

This is where some guys describe how they are more sensitive to music after ejaculation: http://www.quora.com/Why-do-I-become-very-sensitive-to-music-right-after-I-ejaculate

This is an article about how artists have more sexual partners and that the number of partners is positively correlated to how seriously they pursue their artistic direction:http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/health-news/does-creativity-depend-on-raging-hormones-520787.html

Here is another about musical appreciation after ejaculation: https://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20140327134618AAFBkwt

Now, what I want to discuss may not be so clear from these links because it is related to something I’ve realized while doing this NoFap thing. It is that when I am masturbating normally, I am more musical, or so it seems. I started creating music again with a vengeance after I started masturbating again after a 2 year celibacy/nofap period. During the no fap period I don’t recall creating any music. As well, now that I have started another round of nofap I find myself becoming less interested in making music…but that could just be coincidental and it’s probably too soon to say.

However, what I think could be said, is that while on nofap I become more fashion conscious. Beyond that I feel I become more aware of visual aesthetics in general, at lease when it comes to women, but I think just generally.

Let me throw this philosophical link at ya, which talks about nietzshe describes a subconscious will made up of sex drive and artistic desire which he believes has the power to transform a person, society, world,etc: http://artintelligence.net/review/?p=824

I wonder about this. How important aesthetics are. I know I value beauty highly. The thing is, there seems to be this attitude among lot’s of people that beauty is just a luxury. However, I believe it is far more than that. Not just because of passion, or psychosomatic effects, but for abstract, algorithmic secrets that beauty holds which even if we only sense in what seems to be a primitive appreciation, is actually a path we can follow to new ways of being.

Now for some reflection:

For a long time I have thought, if I’m going to dress really cool, like a video game character level of cool, then shouldn’t I also be doing video game level stuff, like action packed saving the world type stuff? Otherwise it’s like all bark and no bite. Flashy but ineffective. Etc.

Now though what I realize is that to create beauty, you have to have power already, which everyone does, it’s personal power we all have. We have power, to express our beauty. So Beauty implies power. However, power does not imply beauty, at least in the terms people think of power to be, such as nuclear arms, money, etc. Although if we later realize that beauty is the true source of happiness, even in some abstract way, then we can maybe say the nuclear arms and money are actually not power at all if they are used by someone who doesn’t want to create and express beauty, because they are dis-empowered in not wanting to do so.

Anyways, what I think now, is that we need to be our own type of hero, not the type people make action films about, unless that need actually arises in your life. The type of hero I feel is needed in mine is the type that is authentic in their appreciation of beauty, and works to build that through their lifestyle, and grow in powers of expressing that into their world to the benefit of them and everyone else who can appreciate it.

aesthetics and diagrams, obfuscation and fun

Based on the half dream I’ve been having for the last
few hours where I’ve somehow been mulling over the idea of
creating art out of a learning experience.

I remember one part where I had created a website? or maybe
more of a digital art collage? but with parts you could
click on to make things happen.

It was very intersting and beautiful, and seemed to be filled
with images that were symbolic of concepts and were connected
together. SO it was kind of like an artistic diagram.

I think it was a lot of electronic concepts actually…but maybe
other things as well.

Also my music “what age means” was playing along with it.
I either was displaying it to others, or imagining the time when
I might do so, and it was inspiring.

Now that I’m awake I find a paralell to the way I’v been trying to
learn hanzi which is that I’ve been making diagrams that show the
connections, and I plan to use a ruler to make even neater looking
diagrams as they actually seem like the most beautiful thing in
my journal.

Also the diagram was almost like a game, or a movie, I remember,
like it was fun and an experience. That would be good for
a method of study. To create something I enjoy re-experiencing.

I enjoy reexperiencing my music, that’s for sure.

This is interesting though, because it’s like I got a glimse
of a possibility, one that could be revolutionary in learning and
art and I guess in my life, and now I can try working backwards to figure
out how to get there.

So, if I want to create an experience I’d enjoy again, well what seemed
to really help in the dream was that the music went directly with the
images…so I guess it was animation…so like, like amvs??!!

That could be awesome, because I enjoy watching my amvs repeatedly!

Poetry was like…one level above simple diagrams, in the artistic sense,
but I struggled to make them fun to recite as they seemed devoid of
artistic expression.

It could be that my artistic expression is more logical and so creating
stories and poetry that don’t express logical things, things worth
understanding, it ends up being not relevant or meaningful to me.

So maybe, like the hanzi diagrams, it would be better to focus on
making the method of diagraming, more beautiful, instead of
obfuscating the knowledge with art. So, using art in a way that
enhances understanding instead of the opposite.

So for example, the pie chart, could be seen as a form of aesthetics
simply because it’s a way of symbolizing something visually that is
more EFFICIENT(as efficiency and beauty are related).

rhyme works, when linking relevant facts together. However, rhyme that
links facts together but through adding in irrelevant untasteful information
, might not be as beautiful.

animation works well because it is a way of visualizing something that
otherwise wouldn’t be visualized. Along with sound effects, music,
and art in the drawing of symbolic images, it because very aestehtically
pleasing, some times even creating a whole other world around the
concept when the animation, sound fx ect come together well enough. Then
there is no need for extra irrelevant information.

This can be seen as an ENTP goal actually. By that I mean, it could
be a thing that all entps are built to do somehow, or that is on of their
highest forms of self expression. For example, Steve jobs revolution
of Apple, and pixar, was at is base, about this. Adding aesthetics
to the expression of information.

Leonardo Da Vinci was also about this, or at least his drawings
of inventions in his notebooks etc, and the way he painted, it was
conveying information in the most effective way possible.

It could be why I like electronics more than programming…because I
get to see more diagrams in electronics. Even the actually creation
of deviced, involves wiring connections together between different

Maybe if programming could be done in this wayWow, with code blocks
connected together. Even parts of algorithms should be visualized
as components. Actually, even math itself could be visualized as
being made up of components. Even philosophy could be.

Wow, I learned so much by going to bed early…enough that I woke up
3 hours in to write all this.

When I look at the diagrams in my hanzi journal, they just seem like
…like expensive. Like the most expensive thing in my journal, the
most significant. (also it’s the only thing written in pen lol, but

So maybe, to me, I enjoy the expression of connectedness, or at
least I am more sensitive to it, than most people, and so it is
art, and beautiful, to me.

So maybe I can enjoy learning anything, if I can just express the
connections between things within and between feilds in the most
effiecient way possible.

This is a new form of communication so I wonder if it could
become it’s own language somehow lol.

As I searched for the word “obfuscated” I came across the
international obfuscated c contest. It’s so cool. It actually
would make programming fun…For one thing it is actually comical
in a way that is smart so it’s like…a new and maybe improve form of
comedy. Second it’s so creative and it’s a creativity for the
purpose of entertainment, and possible even just fulfillment in
ones ability to create something so crazy.

It’s weird that so many programmers seem so passionate about just
creating things that are functional. I feel like obfuscated c is
way more fun and maybe even a better learning experience, beyond when
you want/need to know something. I’ve searched programming poetry
before and while the philosophy was cool sometimes, the actually idea
of doing it was not. It seemed like it would just take energy away from
me. It didn’t present a specific challenge where I would gain energy and be
inspired by, but instead it seemed draining as poetry without reason
often seems draining.

Obfuscated c on the other hand is like, purposely doing meaninglessly complex
stuff. It is actually like a skill that you can develope and it’s
actually comical and fun.

It’s almost like an attack on the standardization of programming,
and for me just the irrelevance of programming to my life.

I mean, the dullest thing I’ve learned so far is making data based
for websites. However, if I gave myself permission to create the
most messed up databases, maybe I could actually enjoy
the learning process at least.

Really what obfuscated c seems to do is it opens my mind to creative
possibilities without limiting it to things that are needed by the
real world or following real world standards of efficiency. Basically
it brings the imagination back into the equation where otherwise I
would always be depending on someone else’s idea of how things should
be done. Now the whole goal of programming is to do things the way
they “shouldn’t be done” which means I can use every possible peice
of information and weave it all into doing something the wrong way,
because the wrong way, becomes right.

Why is the wrong way fun? So I think it’s because it’s not limited to
someone else’s methodology for one, but for two it’s because it depends
on you ….

just wow…I mean I wish I had thought of that earlier, like, instead
of learning from books, I could just do things the wrong way on purpose,
trying to see how wrong I could do it.

So theses are two ways of learning. One is using art to communicate
ideas more efficiently and it will be beautiful. The other is to
use ideas in the least efficient way on purpose, and using
creativity to make them the most ineffiecent, and this will
be comical.

Actually, obfuscated c reminds me of how I play mtg. I try to pick really
weird cards or combinations and make them work. So when I do this,
the game becomes about my deck making ability as much as my play
ability. I don’t do it in a funny way nessesarily, but more like a way
to challenge myself. I guess it helps that mtg is social, but still I
wonder if I could do the same with obfuscated c. Instead of going for
comical, go for something different that expresses me. Like how I go
for making music that is more obscure sounding. I can express myself in
code by my choices of what tools to use for a specific job, instead of
going for the tools recommended. In this way I also would be making
mini challenges like, “do this part without using printf” etc.

I wonder though, because this seems more social than more art related

Well also I guess it’s just that, duh the right or best way of doing things
is often not that hard to figure out. It’s not as challenging, at least
for my style which looks for more possibilities, as trying to make
somethign more “interesting”.

So really it’s not about it being “detail oriented”, it’s about
it being to common knowledge…I like exploring what is possible,
and the way to do that in programming, at least until I reach some
master level where I just know how things should be done better than
anyone else, unless/until that happens it’s best to flex my creative
muscles through obfuscation and doing things in different ways
regardless of what is more efficietn, but just focusing on what could
actually be possible outside of how things are usually done.

So for things based on logic such as strategy games, programming etc,
artistic expression seems to come through individual choice in how to
do things. So it’s best to give ourselves permission to do things
in whatever new and creative ways we want in order to express ourselves.

In music and other fine arts this plays a role, but also individual
tastes like musical tastes, play a big role.

In things like physical labour, artistic expression seems to come
, at least for me, from a combination of pure physical intensity, and
creative efficiency of momevement.

Now, artistic expression in the actual learning process, that seems to
be more about just the way the information is laid out.

Actually the idea of obfuscation can be applied in many interesting
ways it’s so cool that I just found this through googling and that
google autocorrecting to the “ed” ending helped me get there.

I could make a store, that is made of CSRs who standing in formations
to create iles etc.

I could also make a store where everything is just drawn in the snow
but have security gaurds protecting it, being really serious.

JUst taking a goal, and finding very weird ways of accomplishing that
goal. That is one power I have that most people don’t and that people
will probbaly find very useful or at least entertaining.

If I want adventure, that is one really good way of getting it.
I feel like that is the kind of thing I would do in video games
but should also do in real life more. STYLE! Cool style!

Also, to obfuscate can mean, to make dark/(er). So in a way it is
gothic. It is venturing out into the unknown, the unbeaten path,
the mysterious, and expressing that, maybe in a way becoming that.

I have two things now to think about. Perposeful obfuscation,
and aesthetics diagraming. Both are interesting and seem fun.
One seems more fun in the moment though and more connected to
doing. Although, AH, I could use obfuscation in my creation of
diagrams maybe…but not in a way that adds irrelevant info, just
that that form of organiziation could be more obfuscated.

Meaning you might have to work harder to extract the meaning,
but it would be interestin to create, and could lead to
actually innovation in creatin diagrams. IUnno.

Brings me to think of entps as dancing with death but maybe more
accuratly, with darkness, as we search the darkness, the unknown, through
ourselves, for new possibilities, where as most people are content to
just use what is known and there already.

The urge to provide

My obsessing over what I could do to make a living, I think was based on the stress of how hard good jobs are to get. If for instance, I could have gotten a high paying job right out of college like I thought I would, I think I would have taken it. I mean, if it didn’t feel like I was in some kind of competition and needed to sell myself beyond my diploma. There was a time when it was easy to get a good job out of high school or college. In that age I feel like becoming self sufficient would have been easier. I mean, yes I think there would still be other things I would want. However, I would have been set as far as supporting myself was concerned.

So I guess what this makes me think is that what I need to get right now is work life stability. All the other passions can come, but this basic passion of freedom needs my attention now. I feel like if I were supporting myself, I would appreciate all my other passions that much more. I feel like I have this natural instinct to provide, for myself at least, and I think I need to go about meeting this need in the most efficient way possible.

However, when I think about the need to provide for myself, my thoughts drift towards areas like programming instead of philosophy. See programming is easier to get jobs in, although I definitely have a knack for philosophy. The best bet would be to do programming as well to keep my options open I guess. However, this division of goals between school and money makes this hard. If I joined a group though…or just got some people together…Or just made a daily allowance of 1 hour max for programming and I had to learn as much as I could in that time. It would make sense to focus on games or web dev because those areas will build a useable portfolio fastest I think. Out of those two, games are more fun. Then at the same time, if I did programming I could easily shift my experiments onto youtube and make friends in that scene. It would benifit me greatly to do this because it would make jobs easier to get when it came time to look. I would have to have the mindset of I’m trying to become awesome at this as if to program another world, or something. I should not stick to the basicl game ideas, but go off on tangents to make weird and wonderful things. I should have space music in the background when I work to make it more enjoyable. 1 hour a day…hmm it’s definitly an idea. I mean, it’s an investment, and if I feel it’s sound I can take out a load and move out knowing I’ll have jobs waiting for me when I’m ready. Maybe not in games, but in something interesting. People like to hear that I’ve played with mini max algorithms. I guess  need to push myself just a bit.

The thing that scares me is when people say with programming you either love it or you hate it. It doesn’t seem to be that way for me. Nothing does. It’s a day to day thing for me when it comes to what I enjoy doing. For instance right now I hate the chinese language or at least the hanzi. However, I’m pretty sure I’ll start liking it again soon after a nice break. So for a job, I can’t go by what I “love” because that changes all the tim. I need to go by what I’m good at that pays and is interesting.  I can get into a flow state while programming, so there’s that too.

Beauty as a unifying motivation for human evolution

Really just pondering out loud here.

What I mean is, beyond things we do to avoid pain, I wonder if what we want (or at least one of the things we want) is experiences of beauty. I feel like beauty is a universal force. That we can sense this force and enjoy it makes it all the more a good opportunity. The reason I feel this is a force is because of the idea that beauty or aesthetics are what comes out of the application or realization of an extremely efficient algorithm. The more efficient something is, the more beautiful. Efficiency is kind of loose as I’m not sure if it is always about a physical efficiency, but sometimes it could be more cognitive. Like, it looks better because it is easier to process.

Diamonds > Mud
Symetrical faces > Asymetrical Faces
metaphor allows for packing a lot of information in a small area

Also that this ease of processing isn’t only about mathematical efficiency but also about qualitative efficiency (although maybe this does have a mathematical foundation I don’t know).

Song lyrics that use names or places that give a deeper meaning
Uses of older or stronger forms of speaking
Red hair or blue eyes stands out and is novel

Then there is music and I wonder if music is more about the communication of emotional perspectives which CAN be beautiful but don’t have to be this way. However if they are beautiful they will probably be more well remembered.

For me when I hear Taiwanese Mandarin I actually feel really good listening to it, where as with other accents I might actually feel demotivated it seems. It’s something I will have watch out for.
Also the writing system is beautiful but it is also packed with metaphor/symbolism.
(Taiwanese Mandarin is like British accented English, it has that nice texture)

Anyways, So it is interesting to think about this because I guess I am motivated by curiosity somewhat but I don’t think I go out of my way consciously to seek it out. Well when I’m bored I do. However, creating beauty is a process of taking control of life in a way. Like, it really involves a lot of thinking which is great, and the reward is also great.

Now, as a lifestyle it would be very difficult to focus solely on creating. It seems important to also create an inspiring environment. Same with learning languages and other stuff. Now, with technology it is easy to get new music etc, however, even without this, we still have nature which is very beautiful, full of very efficient algorithms.

I’ve thought and I think wrote about this before. The idea that if I were to focus on improving myself I could focus on my ability to create beauty. To have beauty come out of every pore of my being.

Like, iunno, like a Tristan type character. The type of character that became like a legend for just the way they were. Not that my focus should necessarily be on how there people perceive me. That’s just the thing. I want to have something where the goal and what I gain from it is intrinsic. Although sharing it afterwards is cool I guess. More over, it would be good if that thing I focus on has a sort of greater usefulness, which I think beauty does.

I feel like this lifestyle, Aestheticism or something lifestyle, could be very useful, not to mention it’s something that most people understand and appreciate. It’s not something where only a certain type of person sees the value in it, but instead it’s something where the vast majority people are seeking these aesthetic ideals.

I see the possibility that focusing on beauty will lead to a lot of universal understanding as the better we get at creating beauty, it will rely on our understanding of it. It, beauty, which I feel may be a natural sense we have of efficiency as it relates to human thriving. Note symmetrical/attractive faces = better immune systems on average. Not that I’m saying a painting will revolutionize medicine. Doctors are still super important lol, and there are people who will WANT to be doctors. I’m just thinking, is it possible that my understanding of beauty could somehow become a scientifically useful contribution.

So I am just trying to think in what ways do I want to proceed with this. I thin I want to focus on:
Language, Music, Body building, and I might add in poetry/lyrics, that plus my random thoughts on the universe whenever curiosity or inspiration hits.

New Focus: Connection:Through art exploration and through conflict engagment

I think I can tie in a lot of ideas into this new focus actually.

I realize there are a lot of goals I’ve had only for the feeling of being admired or otherwise looked upon strongly by others instead of what I want. Recently though I’ve been teasing a lot of that out and so I’ve come to a place where I know a lot about what I don’t want to do. I don’t even want to do art or music if it’s just going to be for the sake of fame or otherwise being seen as valuable to others and not for me. I don’t want to ever have to be anxious about needing to keep up with something to keep up my image ect without being inspired.

What I want is to be inspired. To find things I love so that I can follow them no matter how many people look down on it. I watched Teal Swan and she talked as well about the importance of inspiration. However, she said things like people might need to try stuff out to find out what they like. This could work, but for me it seems I don’t often get inspired after trying things out. I often am inspired by the idea of something, and then I try it out. It seems like to try something out to see if inspiration will hit, would be almost the same as working at something I don’t enjoy hoping I’ll enjoy it afterwards. I feel a lot of my inspiration comes from art and from music and from people I connect with. So I watched some super hero stuff and some video game theorist stuff.

Then I started thinking deeply about art and the shared consciousness. Basically going on how I want to feel in my daily life. I want to feel awe and intrigue and I feel these things most often from art and music ect, as well as dreams and different states of consciousness. When I think to them I feel like those are experiences with working for, just for their own sake. However, that isn’t inspiration to create them, it’s more an inspiration to seek them out and experience the. The inspiration may come from wanting to create some of my own. I have had this inspiration for it’s own sake. I remember this, especially when I was younger. It was taking a piece of art or music and I guess changing it somehow to make it more powerful for me. Now, that might have evolved into me writing or creating my own music, but maybe the idea of “not copying other people” forced me to want to do my own work to early, and more importantly for the wrong reason. To prove myself.

So I want to try again just seeking out art and music to experience it, and if I get inspiration I’ll just go with it. Otherwise I’ll at least feel like I’m on the right track.

The other thing this ties in with is the feeling I had when I was sick last night. The feeling of what if I were to die, and realizing how lonely death seemed at that moment. Realizing how important human connection was to me. Made me want to focus maybe my whole life, on helping people connect. Whether with me or with each other iunno. Just that I felt it’s something that should be done. So it’s cool that this idea of the shared consciousness is about connection with others, as well as with the universe and creation.

Also you know how they say film/tv/stories are a form of catharsis. So I wonder why I mostly find stories with a lot of showdown type fights to be cathartic. I feel like it’s because there is so much conflict in general in interpersonal interaction. Most people ignore or avoid it. Me included. However, in avoiding it I seem to never quite get rid of it. These are strangers as well as friends, intentional and often unintentional conflict. I feel though that in trying to avoid other people and their feelings about me and themselves, and how they feel people should be treated, I just leave things untended to. I feel like these stories therefore are cathartic not because I should become a super hero as I thought for so long, but because I should meet these conflicts head on with a positive open attitude. In some ways it feels like other people are at once the slave and the master of me, but if I engage maybe create something better.

After stepping back to see what I’ve been neglecting, Daniel H. Pink, Right Brained Economy

A few days ago after all the attempts and deciding on a path, and thinking maybe programming would work, I noticed that the choice didn’t feel sincere. Like I was selling myself and everyone else short by going that route. I felt like I just had so much more to offer although society didn’t have a place for it. So I took a step back and looked at all the other people in my life who at the present moment I had been kind of neglecting and would probably have to continue neglecting to give what I was truly capable of if I went that way, and it looked grim. From my research (not much I’ll admit) apparently although there is less war, there is actually more conflict now in the world. It’s just the way people relate to each other in general now that is far from optimal.

I realized, I mean just what am I even living for it I’m going to walk through life following the money and letting all my natural abilities that could help a lot of people just be relegated to the side project status. I thought about it, like when I die, what do I want to leave behind. Not based on other peoples idea of what a legacy is, but mine. What would feel worth while for me. So I realized I had to do better. Art, music, writing, just something. Something that would make an actual impact.

So yesterday I stumbled across “A whole NEW MIND: Why right-Brainers Will Rule the Future By Daniel H. Pink.” and it shed some light on the situation from an economic perspective which was great because even though I would rather my life be about helping others in the best way I can than making money, I still felt I shouldn’t have to neglect myself. So he basically says that in the future people with my skills will be in demand and that it’s slowly happening already and I totally see it. So I think I will focus more on doing things I feel are important and not on just money, also not on fame or anything like that either. I don’t want to be motivated by trying to get love, I want to be motivated by the growth of my own love for others and for the universe.

According to Daniel H., meaning is found in the service of others. However at least for me if feels like my true feelings of love don’t come from helping people, but instead they come from hearing an amazing song and witnessing other beauties and art forms, and mindfulness and meditation, and philosophy, and I guess to some extent novelty. So I wonder if I should be focusing on helping other people, or if I should be focusing on reaching some sort of nirvana or something. It just seems at least so far that all the value I’ve created was based on me seeking my own happiness. Although I have empathy, iunno if that comes from my parents infj isfx?, or from watching good tv and reading good books, or just the social environment in general. Iunno, and it helps to have empathy and want good things for the world(also philosophy for wanting good things for the world (terry goodkind)) but I still don’t see myself as a therapist. I have empathy and/or sympathy but I’m not too emotionally available.

I actually feel weird when I do something nice and a person is over joyed ect, because I just wish they could do it themselves, like be self-empowered and not so helpless. I think if I do focus on others it will be with that as the end goal. For people to be more self-empowered. my problem though is I get very easily discouraged when I try to help someone and they don’t want the help. I mean I don’t get upset but I just feel like, maybe I shouldn’t be trying so hard. That and the above is more reason to just focus on myself.

Then there are things like striving to become more attractive, body building ect. Do I do these things for me, or is it to try and win the love of someone else. Is it vanity or is it art. Is it abundance or scarcity. I know I have always wanted to have an awesome body, however now that I am pretty close to it I wonder if it is still for the right reasons. I am more sex obsessed now and I also wonder the same thing about sex. Is it good to want a partner to be very attracted to you or is it the same as trying to get someone to love you instead of loving yourself. Well what I think is that as long as you aren’t depending on it for happiness it makes a nice bonus. Like, if you are happy with who you are and if you feel you could be happy if you were unattractive and with no one finding you attractive, then I feel by all means strive to be even more attractive for your lover and for your enjoyment. However, I feel that in this day and age maybe priority should be on loving ones self first because in this age of abundance there is no need for self hatred as a motivator for survival, so all it does is takes away from enjoyment and growth and actually it takes away from survival lol. This is the age of intrinsic motivation, and intrinsic value.


Transition into Art for psychosomatic heath, letting the profound happen on it’s own

I wonder if as a society, and as a race, we are moving towards beauty as being of primary importance. It would make sense if this were the case because, well beauty impacts humanity in many ways. Psychologically, psycho-somaticly, even intellectually and philosophically as beauty carries elements of mathematics and philosophy  both by extension of math and for the epistemological analysis of the function beauty might serve. Iunno, I guess not everyone will really appreciate beauty to the same extent, however, I feel it is one thing that has guided me throughout my life.

I am thinking about this because well, last post I kind of built up argument for focusing on research and idea generation. Also the idea of the focus split between empowerment and exploration. In this post I am thinking that beauty is also a huge factor to focus on. Also I will note now that although I love discovery, I find I am not as motivated to do the searches that lead towards the discovery, or at least, those searches must be efficient, not like, reading half way through a book to decide I don’t like it. Anyways, I feel that what ever I decide to focus on as a daily thing for the joy of it, I should focus on it for intrinsic reasons. empowerment doesn’t really have intrinsic reasons. While it is important, it’s we focus on as needed, not as an end to itself. So I don’t think it makes sense to consciously focus on it, I would have no direction.

Focusing on beauty and exploration however, would be to empower myself to find/create more of those things. So what I’m getting at is that empowerment for it’s own sake is useless. This is why even if you could shoot fireballs out of your wrists, if you had no need to, that source of power would be basically useless beyond a party trick. So I do focus on empowerment, but mostly in that I don’t accept dis-empowerment.

See I have been very attracted to games with beautiful scenery and characters, but for the most part, as far as inspiring characters go, they would have to be both beautiful and powerful. I wouldn’t feel comfortable playing a character who was not taking control of their own destiny. In video games this wouldn’t manifest as a desire to play the character of a hard working man, it would be someone who shoots fireballs out of their hands. This is because the carl jung archetype of hero, which I was trying to live through, fought physical battles. Man or woman didn’t matter as much when it came to playing with the character or watching a movie based on them. All that mattered was beauty and physical prowess, and more so, enough to be the ultimate hope of humanity even. That’s the archetype I think.

However, the more I grew the more I learned about different situations a person may find themselves in beyond the physical challenges. After many years I realize physical challenges are rarely the problem, but that the problem is more broad and more about mind-set. Do you fancy yourself a bad-ass, or a wimp? Can you do anything, or nothing? So focused on positive psychology for the time I was still developing and becoming my idea self at the time. Also I guess my mbti type naturally has a positive can-do attitude but we just realize it’s importance and work on it even more when needed. For me, it’s partly about pride, and self-respect, I need to come to the conclusion that I can do anything, in order to feel best about myself. That I can either do anything, or at least still be happy with myself, respect myself for taking responsibility for myself either way, and therefore see myself as an amazing and inspiring person, even if I fail at some things.

So beyond that which I feel is at a good level for now, I just want to have not simply hobbies, but things that light me up inside, which therefore I am empowered for being able to do. I feel like what kind of discouraged me from art was the idea of the starving artist. It just does not seem too empowering. My earlier solution(many years earlier) was to get a good job and then pay people to make the art. Now though, my solution is for me, art is empowering. If I make art it should be because it’s making my life better than anything else would, not because I just can’t do anything else, or what other reasons are there, therapy, like a persona with emotional problems or a drug addiction needs to paint to get it out. That to me is like, they are victims in their own lives and art is their only escape or something. That’s not my bag, that’s not very inspiring to me, no disrespect for them. For me, I want to make art because it makes me feel even more awesome than I already do which is pretty fucking awesome.

I just feel like an artist who spends most of their time unhappy and just expecting art to solve it, is doing something majorly wrong. Art is not a cure-all thing. I just have this image of a lot of irresponsible artists and that’s like, what people are being shown as what it means to be an artist. Like, if it weren’t for people enjoying their work and paying for it they would be miserable and just accept it. That makes me not want to be an artist because it conflicts with my core value of self-empowerment. It makes me think art can’t be empowering, but at the same time the things I gravitate towards and feel power from the most are mostly artistic. Basically I feel that if I found the right thing to do, working a shitty job wouldn’t feel shitty at all, just like level grinding in wow doesn’t feel as shitty when you are in such a beautiful world in the first place. If I had beautiful things on my mind to think about and get home to, my life would feel more vibrant.

However, do I want to focus on creating something like drawings or music ect? I mean that stuff is good but it often seems like I get almost as much enjoyment from just finding other peoples stuff. However if I do things like film, like music videos, where I am combining stuff other people made, together to express more complex ideas, I find that more valuable in a way. It’s like hacking. Like innovation instead of invention. Putting cool things together to create other cool things. This way what I am doing is enjoyable the whole time because I’m already playing around with something I enjoy, not making something out of nothing. The other idea is film instead of novels because I often see my ideas more than feel them. It’s often more analytical and less about expressing emotion (although I do feel and have emotion to express, even then I feel I find the strongest emotion in the visual and audio content expressing the idea. Although I don’t know, I guess I do have a way with words, I think it’s more about what comes more natural when I am trying to create something. I create things in pictures first, then I can describe them.

Anyways, the thing is, although I love art and beauty, I’m wondering if my focus should be on the nuts and bolts of beauty or on the level of ideas. With AMVs I have the chance to focus more on beautiful ideas where as if I were to focus on just art it would be, well it would be a grind, but also it would limit what I could achieve. I also just realized I could do even more if I got other people to join me in creating something, but that’s another story. Well actually, that would be the same as if I were to do mash ups for music and for other art instead of trying to create everything myself, some of it would be my original ideas, but most could be taken from other inspirations. All the most beautiful features I can find, put together in a way that works.

Also part of my interest in beauty is as it pertains to my own physical appearance as I feel that has a huge impact on other people and it’s really cool how it works. Beautiful language, beautiful fitness, hair, clothes, beautiful way of moving, ect. Then there are beautiful personalities which would include mental efficiency and knowledge ect. I guess all of this stuff would relate to stories and film. Film though also allows for beautiful ideas about what events could happen. Then there is also interior design which I find cool as well. It’s something that actually has a large psychosomatic affect on the individual. It’s something that if I had the money I would make my room look awesome because I want to, and then I could show other people it.

So maybe there is a separation, beauty for psychosomatic purpose, and beauty for emotional-intellectual purpose. Of course movies could combine all of these and more, I just want to note it because one may be more motivating for me.

On my way to the gym I realized that the same way empowerment comes naturally and doesn’t need to be focused on for it’s own sake, I feel the same is true for creating curious things. The universe already creates things that I can explore and find curious. These things come to me, I don’t need to create them, and may not even need to seek them out, not for they’re own sake anyway. It seems they come to me as I search for other things and just go about my life. I just catch on to things as my mind picks up on them.

For example, now I am thinking I should focus my artistic ability on feng shui type things. Psycho-somatic health based art I might call it, iunno. Not to limit myself to feng shui, or even to visual art, just that I feel focusing on what feels good is maybe more important than trying to create so kind of super exciting thing. It’s like, maybe I need to sit back a bit and let the universe do it’s part. I mean, when I create things without trying to make the masterpeice, not only does it give me more motivation to actually create something, but this means more chances that what I create will end up being really cool, without it being cool because I set out to make something cool.

I mean, I almost would rather that. I enjoy it when I surprise myself. It’s more entertaining than if I set out to create something surprising because how can you surprise yourself if that was your goal in the first place. That makes it demotivating, or at least not as fun as if I surprised myself which has happened quite a bit since this blog began. Also if I did something just for the sake of that makes me feel good, I’m thinking it would be a hobby therefore, or something meaningful iunno. Btw this gives even more credit to personalityjunkie who said NPs who write usually do so in a more free flow way and it’s like the universal impulse speaks through them. That’s interesting.

So for example, I decided to read up on zen as apparently steve jobs, another entp, was into the physical side of zen and I can understand why. Then I decided I’ll check out fung shui instead of focusing on just doing what other entps are doing. Then I read that carl jung studied fung shui lol. So I realized, I guess I’m on the right track? Then I remembered my friend msg me today saying he was glad I told him 8 reps was the magic number, because it let him know he was on the right track in the gym cause he just decided to try it.

So what I’m thinking is that just like exercise is like a battery for my mind and it very important to my health, and I realized even simple things like a hot shower make a difference,  maybe that extends to design as well, and maybe if I gained skill in design for areas of my life, if it didn’t translate into a job, it would at least be something that would improve my life by a lot, making it worth the time investment. Also I’d be not as bored, although I still want to do fun things just for fun, with friends.

I feel like a lot of man made things that seem mystical, were not created to be that way, they just are that way because life is that way. Man just made it to promote it’s life. I guess that’s what I should focus on, promoting my life, including the things that make me feel good but with the exceptions of the  the revolutionary or profound things and hoping that maybe those will happen on there own as they often do, and then writing about them here as I do everything else.

It’s almost like setting out to do something remarkable is biting of more than one can chew but that it is something that does add up over time, to become something profound, even though that may not have been the aim. I feel like I do enjoy the awe inspiring things, but that to base my life on that would be inauthentic in that there are just many other things to enjoy. The awe inspiring things will happen on their own and that is half of what is awe inspiring about them.

I just realized that if improving the physical environment is good for psychsomatic health, that may party explain the urge people or at least men, have to be physically dominant in some way, through strength or martial arts or iunno. Or maybe it’s more of an instinctual thing. Or maybe it’s both.

Also I realized that although reading about entp artists I read most gravitate towards music than visual arts. I thought oh no maybe my best bet is to pick up an instrument. No though, I realize, not that I will just follow what my type says, but I already sing. I sing because it feels good, although I do hope one day other people can hear me sing, I will sing regardless because it’s goof for me.

I will end this post with an interesting thought. The crazy idea that maybe human self-consciousness ego ect, is only there so maybe we can learn exactly what we should be doing. Maybe if we new down o the second exactly what we should be doing, we would live our lives without conscious thought. For example, people when driving often just zone out until they reach their destination. Another example would be the “flow state”. However these can’t last because eventually some thing happens like we ge hungry, or we need to do something else, something we haven’t predicted so it doesn’t enter into our work flow. If everything was a part of our work flow, it might be that we would stay in flow state and humans would cease to be conscious in the way we are now, and instead be more like machines, and consciousness would be a separate thing that exists as the observer only. I don’t know, I guess I don’t see this happening because who wants to have everything planned out, and also we need to socialize and I don’t think that is a flow state thing.

Rekindling ENTP Creativity: Improvisation

I just realized that ENTPs on the whole are very good at improvising. Not sure if this is the result or the cause of our impatience when it comes to goals and need for novelty, but it seems like it is the solution to these things. I realize the only work I’ve been doing for myself and keeping up with persistently has been this blog in which I never really write with a structure, I just improvise, writing thoughts as I think them. On the other hand, when it comes to goals I think I might enjoy like writing a story, or doing art, or music, I feel that I need to sit down and follow other peoples guidelines as far as workflow in order to create something worth while. Meaning if I want to produce music I have to “compose” a piece, not simply perform the piece. I feel like this logic has been to the detriment of my creativity.

See I’ve been wondering why do I not feel like doing any of the things I want to do lol, if that makes sense. I thought maybe it was that I just had no energy and needed to be around people, and to some extent this may be true but I feel there is more too it. I mean when I walk to work I sing so it’s not like I don’t have the energy to, and I don’t even do it for other people, just for myself. The thing is, I’m not focusing on composing a piece when I’m singing. I’m just performing, just experiencing the love of the music in a powerful way. So if I were to write my own music, my own poetry or rap, I think I would thusly focus on just performing, so improvising, and not trying to build something, plan something. It’s the same as with my life philosophy I guess. I try not to plan everything out for my life because I don’t want to know what will happen because if I know then the wonder is gone. So maybe that’s part of why I wouldn’t enjoy planning out the building of a story or musical piece, it’s like I’m finding out the end of the story, and I’m not enjoying it either, I’m just creating it, finishing it, not really experiencing it, or speaking through it, like I could if I were performing improvisation.

I also think about magic the gathering where sure I enjoy the deck building process, but mostly because I know I will get to perform with it, it’s like building an musical instrument to play with afterwards. So I think what I want to do is focus on expressing my self through art but through the improvising of artistic expression this time. I guess I’ll focus on rap and maybe on an instrument where I can just create cool harmonies.

End of evening thoughts:

Maybe it is important to keep busy like someone casually mentioned t to me last night. By busy I mean social commitments.  Today I didn’t have as much time to myself because after school I had to meet a friend for some TIFF polish movies which were exceptional. I realized after the first movie when I wanted to go home and my friend really wanted me to stay, that I would be walking away from an opportunity for exactly what I had been look for. I would be running towards loneliness. So I realized it was like a kind of compulsion for me to want to be alone because I really didn’t have any goals to work on that I truly believed in, I would just be walking towards a self-harming experience. So I stayed for the second movie and afterwards our analytical discussion flowed effortlessly.

Also I will not that before leaving the house I actually started working on a song, got the harmony out which I feel is the most important part then I left. On the way to the bus I felt a feeling I hadn’t felt in a while. A feeling like an altered state of consciousness, a state that I used to slip into after working on music which was usually pretty cool but sometimes disturbing. However it is a part of me, it makes me feel more whole, and I’m thinking it’s something I can only get from the process of creating music for myself. It’s definitely a centering experience on par with dreams and I think story writing when I’m in the mood, as if the fact that you are expressing yourself and it’s being fed back into you and feeling good, makes it centering, like you are all you need kinda thing?/. I’m just wondering if it was the music that centered me, or the fact that I had limited time and a social commitment that triggers/ed that state more . I also wonder if it was the social commitment that gave me the energy to create, or the fact that I decided I would improvise and not try to do to much gave me free reign to just make something that makes me feel good.

When I think about making more music now after just completing what I did, it feels stressful again. I wonder if it’s the fact that I’m giving no specific end to the music making, I’m just saying make more, like forever?

My interest in people: Music/Art: Curiousity/Growth

Introductory ramble: I feel like the the mbti geek youtubers I end up watching the most, and even just the people I get along the best, are those that have an appreciation for the same music and art as me. I feel my interest in people may center around what they communicate through their music/art more than other things they study in school let’s say. As well the experiences of these things that I can share with another who feels the same feelings as me from said music/art bond us by a very important common interest. If I were to see music/art as a tool, it would be one for creating new realities/perspectives sort of like an epistemology but for the emotional world? Which I mean emotions are not simple happy or sad, it seems they can be complex enough to represent specific situations even. Emotions are a large part of how a person experiences reality so I feel they could have their own epistemology.  I feel there is much to be discovered as far as emotional realities and these experiences make us more whole. As well creating and communicating these experiences allows for even more growth.

Importance of spiritual growth vs medical advancement: I often wonder if this type of growth, emotional/spiritual ect is very important in a world with so much diseases ect. However I think authenticity should be applied and so I should follow my love. To back this up there is more and more scientific evidence that doing things to reduce stress and increase positive emotions increase life span at the genetic/epigenetic level. Not to say I will only think about art or people, because I become curious about other things all the time. just that is seems I have an affinity for art and it’s complex relationship to me and to others. I solve problems as they arise however when my problem is finding something to love and work towards it seems to dominate my mind as without it, without love, I feel low energy and unable to focus on the big picture.

Bliss: This emotional/spiritual enrichment , I feel it does much in the way of bringing bliss which even if it doesn’t mean living forever it will at least be part of living full. I can when in the mood enjoy the process of creating new music as it speaks to me the whole way through if I get a good start, usually using piano to get good melody/harmony. Adding my own photography to the final product would be great as photography also displays new ways of feeling about things. However no pressure I can use other peoples are or no art. I can also collaborate with music producers who have the same understandings and motivations as me to make something and experience something together that we couldn’t on our own.

Music’s place in my life: Most recently though my thoughts on music’s place in my life is that although I may slowly develop some music on my own, maybe searching for new interesting music is more what I love. Discovering artists that speak to me in novel and enriching ways. Also for me it seems I have always been driven most strongly by mystery and curiosity. It’s easy to forget this when everyone is saying be productive. It’s like, maybe, I’m not sure but maybe, I really just want to find music rather than create any, however I feel a pressure to create some of my own maybe just to have something to show. Well might also be partly that I sometimes want to express myself through music in a novel way if someone else is willing to listen. However more often than not I’m not surrounded by the right people to inspire me to create something new to share with them.

About mysterious sounding music: See music can be mysterious, but I think it’s often(not always) that the composer intentionally writes the music to evoke that emotion, rather than that specific song having some secret to it. On the other hand, the fact that the mysterious sounding music was written speaks to the mystery that is the emotion being invoked. I mean, we know why the song makes us feel that way, but why would we want to feel that way and obviously we enjoy it so it speaks to the significance to mysterious experiences, and the significance of the creator of that music also being someone who gravitates towards the mysterious.

About discovery of people: I realize I love discovery but not any discovery. I mean, I don’t have much urge to discover new natural landscapes or planets or scientific ideas. I realize I am very people oriented hence the few posts back about interest in people. What I have to add to that idea is that I may want to focus on discovering new music producers and artists. It would be partly about the music and the art that is enjoyable, but more so I think I would be interested in the human element to those things. I would want to know who wrote the music, what inspired them to write it, what they feel when writing/listening to it, who they are as people, what their life philosophies are, ect. Music, not only mysterious sounding music, but music I really like automatically brings a curiosity in me as to the person behind the pieces.

Conclusion: Worthy endeavor: I mean, for most people, this probably wouldn’t be a “worthy endeavor” if I’m judging the worth of my endeavors. However for me seeing that people and especially people that do things I think are cool, are some of the most interesting things in the world for me, and given that my interest is deep enough that I create new knowledge doing so, I feel for me it is worthy. Worthy meaning it will be far more enriching that what others get from watching interviews of their favorite bands. I wanna go deep into this stuff, making connections between these people, and myself, and reality.

Connection to the mysteries of life: I feel like there is a difference between learning from someone who makes cool sounding music vs learning that same thing but from someone else. It feels like the fact that a person makes something I love makes them more credible to me? It’s just like judging a book by it’s cover. Seems my curiosity needs to be peaked for me to want to know about something that the curiosity doesn’t simply come from something that looks cool as might have been the case when I was younger. Now it seems it’s more about people. People who look cool, people who make good music, people who generate something that makes me feel love. I feel a curiosity, like, what do these people have to share about the world, about themselves. Maybe I feel like learning about people and about myself will help me understand the big picture of human life and the mysteries behind the experience of life, consciousness, afterlife, reality, ect.

It’s like in the Celestine Prophecy, the rule that people have messages for each other and there are signs for people to follow to deliver those messages. Maybe for me those signs are as obvious as that hot girl on youtube is saying intelligent things let’s have a listen, or this band is playing totally novel music, maybe they are novel people with novel ideas, hmm.

Then there is me and  so far I have a pretty unique style and look and I have youtube vids and music I made years, so I do feel I might attract some people. I also feel I will attract more of who love would dictate I attract the more I engage in my love, whether that ends up being me making music and art and fashion, or just creating more playlists with my eclectic tastes for people to find and photography from my unique perspective on the world as well as my blog, ect.

As I write this it makes more and more sense to me that obviously if I’m attracted to a person for healthy reasons, maybe I should engage them somehow.

Note: If the person doesn’t seem novel enough, like some people have novel looks but really they are just following a fad, I guess I wont bother with that, or if I can’t tell it’s a fad I’ll engage the one or two it takes t realize it is.

It’s very organic

My concience: “so Yusef, what are you going to do besides just having fun learning about other people and reality and stuff?”
My Response: “well instead of planning on a way to contribute as if I am obligated to do so, I think I’ll let the urge come organically if it does and I think it will. Now that I have something that builds love in me, I may have more love to give back in whatever ways are best. This post for example.”


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