The urge to provide

My obsessing over what I could do to make a living, I think was based on the stress of how hard good jobs are to get. If for instance, I could have gotten a high paying job right out of college like I thought I would, I think I would have taken it. I mean, if it didn’t feel like I was in some kind of competition and needed to sell myself beyond my diploma. There was a time when it was easy to get a good job out of high school or college. In that age I feel like becoming self sufficient would have been easier. I mean, yes I think there would still be other things I would want. However, I would have been set as far as supporting myself was concerned.

So I guess what this makes me think is that what I need to get right now is work life stability. All the other passions can come, but this basic passion of freedom needs my attention now. I feel like if I were supporting myself, I would appreciate all my other passions that much more. I feel like I have this natural instinct to provide, for myself at least, and I think I need to go about meeting this need in the most efficient way possible.

However, when I think about the need to provide for myself, my thoughts drift towards areas like programming instead of philosophy. See programming is easier to get jobs in, although I definitely have a knack for philosophy. The best bet would be to do programming as well to keep my options open I guess. However, this division of goals between school and money makes this hard. If I joined a group though…or just got some people together…Or just made a daily allowance of 1 hour max for programming and I had to learn as much as I could in that time. It would make sense to focus on games or web dev because those areas will build a useable portfolio fastest I think. Out of those two, games are more fun. Then at the same time, if I did programming I could easily shift my experiments onto youtube and make friends in that scene. It would benifit me greatly to do this because it would make jobs easier to get when it came time to look. I would have to have the mindset of I’m trying to become awesome at this as if to program another world, or something. I should not stick to the basicl game ideas, but go off on tangents to make weird and wonderful things. I should have space music in the background when I work to make it more enjoyable. 1 hour a day…hmm it’s definitly an idea. I mean, it’s an investment, and if I feel it’s sound I can take out a load and move out knowing I’ll have jobs waiting for me when I’m ready. Maybe not in games, but in something interesting. People like to hear that I’ve played with mini max algorithms. I guess  need to push myself just a bit.

The thing that scares me is when people say with programming you either love it or you hate it. It doesn’t seem to be that way for me. Nothing does. It’s a day to day thing for me when it comes to what I enjoy doing. For instance right now I hate the chinese language or at least the hanzi. However, I’m pretty sure I’ll start liking it again soon after a nice break. So for a job, I can’t go by what I “love” because that changes all the tim. I need to go by what I’m good at that pays and is interesting.  I can get into a flow state while programming, so there’s that too.

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Post-Capitalism: Intrinsic Motivation: Finding mine in school

I had this theory that the universe was based on randomness and duplication. If this were true it would make sense that the two things that would help me thrive would be the motivation for sex(duplication) and for awe(unpredictable?) Still the the idea that it is a “competition” between those two drives doesn’t seem that efficient. However, it feels like what they guy from personality junkie said about NPs is sound in that a lot of the ideas I come across seem almost by accident like it is the universal impulse.

Now, I could just try to focus on reading the text books and doing the homework for the possible ideas I will stumble on and the connections I happen to make. I am working to motivate myself from within an educational system that is not built specifically for me so I have to figure out how to work it. Or maybe the system is fine, and it’s just like jogging where I have to get used to it.

The other possibility is that the universe is made up of not randomness but a system. This makes sense in that the big bang would be a cause, and the rest would be the effect. So if we rewound this to the start and initiated the same bang, we would get the same result. So it isn’t random is it?

It makes more sense that the human then is a system with an urge for duplication
among other elements of it’s system.

My question was, does it make sense for me to have a specific goal, or is it
better to just focus on learning more. Goals are what brought me here in the
first place. Maybe “here” is the goal.

I’ve thought about this before actually. It’s good to have goals that come
to you, but trying to seek out goals to have seems like not the best idea.
It seems unessesary.

Also, why do I get so much more motivation in class where as at home I don’t
just sit around reading the text book. Well, it could be that exchanging ideas
with other people, exressing my ideas, IS a goal for me. If this were the case
it would be good as the more the ideas flow the more can be done for society.
Also my motivation for studying outside of class would be to be ahead so I can
keep up with the conversation and say my peice.

I guess also I could go online and start a blog and try to get other people to
read it etc but that might be too much work for too little reward. Iunno.
It would be a fun side project though, at least in the fun classes. Also yes,
some classes are more fun and rewarding than others. That is part of my problem
right now. I’m talking a lot of classes that just don’t engage me enough,
and don’t generate enough ideas. There is no sense trying to argue that these
classes are actually good for me and that I need to adapt somehow. They are just
not efficient uses of my time.

Or, maybe it depends how I look at the classes. I mean, given the choice I might
not want to have to take states/research/ling, but I migh be able to make them
fun if I:
1. Look at the concepts from different angles, like trying to get deeper into them and
2. Bring out questions based on 1. in class.

So the motivation for doing them is still because have to do them instead of something
more intriguing. However, I can get a lot of fun out of it by doing steps 1. and 2.

If I only did step 1. I would have less motivation to read ahead because I wouldn’t
have a way of contributig based on that extra work.
If I only did 2. well in many cases that is what I have now. I mostly just do 2. and
it works out ok but not great.

I feel like there are a lot of external motivations that could come into play
in education. However I feel that a motivation that will be lasting and enjoyable
it needs to come from within.

So, just like lifting heavy things and running fast because it feels good, I would
rather focus on learning for the sake of learning. I feel like sometimes I become out
of touch with the enjoyment of learning for that sake. However, this could easily
be more about metabolic factors than anything else. When I discover/create a new idea
that is truely awesome, it is empowering and rewarding. The only time it’s…
THE ONLY TIME IT’S NOT, IS WHEN I AM FOCUSING SQUARILY ON WHAT I DON’T HAVE!
(not that I should never focus on what I don’t have, I am not sure, maybe, but
not sure) It seems like learning about sexuality has helped with my understanding of
the world. Although a lot of the big stuff like mbti was learned more for the sake of
finding intrinsic motivation and just plain fun.

When I’m not focused on what I don’t have btw, then there is no underlying goal for my
learning. I just learn because I want to know. Knowing, experiencing, is living.

It’s intrinsic. When people learn to focus in on the intrinsics, there will be
no more “work”. For instance, I’m going to work today not for the money. 34$ or something
for 4 hours of physical labor. I mean yeah it adds up, but I am more there for the
relationships and the physical activity.

People were getting slaves to do their work for them, because they couldn’t see that
the work was actually good for them.

So in order to get to this state where you are only focused on the intrinsic rewards,
I think it has a lot to do with dopamine. It’s like when you let go of all the things
that might be fun to have the dopamine receptors increase. Like, if you were to just
let yourself be bored. Then you would start day dreaming and being creative. I feel like
the getting creative part is what happens when the receptors finally start up regulating.

So if you could upregulate them earlier, through exercise etc, then you would find it
easier to let go of other shit, the extrinsic stuff, and just get motivated.

I feel like this is a big thing. I feel like here the ability of a human to self-acualize
could be improved by things like increase dopamine receptors. So in this sense, it seems
what people need is to be healthy mentally. I mean, understanding the concepts of abundance
and self reliance are important too, but when it comes to actually enjoyin the intrinsic
rewards, dopamine is the reward, so you need to be able to produce and utilize it or you
will just be a couch potatoe monk.

You could see dopamine receptors and that kind of thing as an internal awareness of

what we need to be doing with our time. If we don’t keep it healthy, we start to lose touch

with that internal compass thing. Not that we don’t need to be rational if we have it,

just that it is a drive.

Sexuality and Motivation

I feel like getting older, having more responsibilities, puts a dampener on what would otherwise by  very rampant sex drive. As I increase my sexual energy through a variety of means, as well as my level of optimism and confidence, I become aware that my ability to explore sexuality is dependent on my ability to handle my responsibilities.

If I want to be available when a willing partner is in the mood, for example, I need to have done all my homework and studying for tests ahead of time. So I am now losing interesting in procrastination. Also because of the idea that my sex drive might be lowered just by knowing there are things I have to do.

So one kind of life goal I guess wuld be to not have anything that “needs” doing anymore, or just to always be well ahead of dead lines. Also this makes me want to work, like get a better job etc so I can have that sense of freedom. This same thing happened last year around this time when I started jogging and working out and I think edging as well. So what should I do about it? I definitely want to stay in school. It feels like where I belong in a big way.

I believe this was my motivation for going to college the first time actually, or at least to study for personal trainining! I was doing the 7 day cycle and I think edging, and I just started focusing more and more on what I needed to do to have the sex life I wanted. I realize though that my ideas of ideal sex life were kind of naivee. Also the way I lost that steam I had going into college, I think had a bit to do with my change of sex habits to nofap hardmode, and less jogging etc. Anyways I hope now to come at this from a more refined angle/perspective.Based on the shit I am good at and where I will feel more at home.

On the bus my thoughts were: Maybe I could benifit by getting inolved in computer science.
Maybe also an important factor is that I’m cool with not doing everything all on my own also it would be a pretty good way of indirectly helping people believe more in themselves if I try to have us tackle a big goal..
I think I need to focus on what ideas I could contribute since this seems to a major strength along with my understanding of people.

I feel like getting older, having more responsibilities, puts a dampener on what would otherwise by  very rampant sex drive. As I increase my sexual energy through a variety of means, as well as my level of optimism and confidence, I become aware that my ability to explore sexuality is dependent on my ability to handle my responsibilities.

If I want to be available when a willing partner is in the mood, for example, I need to have done all my homework and studying for tests ahead of time. So I am now losing interesting in procrastination. Also because of the idea that my sex drive might be lowered just by knowing there are things I have to do.

So one kind of life goal I guess wuld be to not have anything that “needs” doing anymore, or just to always be well ahead of dead lines. Also this makes me want to work, like get a better job etc so I can have that sense of freedom. This same thing happened last year around this time when I started jogging and working out and I think edging as well. So what should I do about it? I definitely want to stay in school. It feels like where I belong in a big way.

I believe this was my motivation for going to college the first time actually, or at least to study for personal trainining! I was doing the 7 day cycle and I think edging, and I just started focusing more and more on what I needed to do to have the sex life I wanted. I realize though that my ideas of ideal sex life were kind of naivee. Also the way I lost that steam I had going into college, I think had a bit to do with my change of sex habits to nofap hardmode, and less jogging etc. Anyways I hope now to come at this from a more refined angle/perspective.Based on the shit I am good at and where I will feel more at home.

On the bus my thoughts were: Maybe I could benifit by getting inolved in computer science.
Maybe also an important factor is that I’m cool with not doing everything all on my own also it would be a pretty good way of indirectly helping people believe more in themselves if I try to have us tackle a big goal..
I think I need to focus on what ideas I could contribute since this seems to a major strength along with my understanding of people.

Ok, so my thoughts now are:

I feel like getting older, having more responsibilities, puts a dampener on what would otherwise by  very rampant sex drive. As I increase my sexual energy through a variety of means, as well as my level of optimism and confidence, I become aware that my ability to explore sexuality is dependent on my ability to handle my responsibilities.

If I want to be available when a willing partner is in the mood, for example, I need to have done all my homework and studying for tests ahead of time. So I am now losing interesting in procrastination. Also because of the idea that my sex drive might be lowered just by knowing there are things I have to do.

So one kind of life goal I guess wuld be to not have anything that “needs” doing anymore, or just to always be well ahead of dead lines. Also this makes me want to work, like get a better job etc so I can have that sense of freedom. This same thing happened last year around this time when I started jogging and working out and I think edging as well. So what should I do about it? I definitely want to stay in school. It feels like where I belong in a big way.

I believe this was my motivation for going to college the first time actually, or at least to study for personal trainining! I was doing the 7 day cycle and I think edging, and I just started focusing more and more on what I needed to do to have the sex life I wanted. I realize though that my ideas of ideal sex life were kind of naivee. Also the way I lost that steam I had going into college, I think had a bit to do with my change of sex habits to nofap hardmode, and less jogging etc. Anyways I hope now to come at this from a more refined angle/perspective.Based on the shit I am good at and where I will feel more at home.

On the bus my thoughts were: Maybe I could benifit by getting inolved in computer science.
Maybe also an important factor is that I’m cool with not doing everything all on my own also it would be a pretty good way of indirectly helping people believe more in themselves if I try to have us tackle a big goal..
I think I need to focus on what ideas I could contribute since this seems to a major strength along with my understanding of people.
Maybe I should focus on ideas that other people can implement.

Ok, so my thoughts now are:

I’ve already tried starting my own business and I don’t enjoy it. I don’t enjoy the isolation.
Also I don’t really have a business or money making idea. I mean sure I can think of some, just that none are very efficient, or if they are they require a huge amount of work upfront.
Also even just thinking about money right now, it totally psyches my out of studying and I have a test tmr.
One thing I haven’t really tried, and that seems most authentic, would be to just put everything into school.
What could that get me though? I need more than just good grades.
Hmmm, well I know there are opportunities to work while in school, but is that even the best use of my time? Especially when I have a part time job already with 2 years in and formed some great relationships.
I have ideas, but they are focused on living the life I want, not on money. My ideas are what has resulted in so many awesome discoveries.
I know what I can do. I can put everything into school. I can give it 110% and hope that in doing so I become exceptional to the point that I am respected by teachers as well as peers. To the point where jobs are guaranteed and, taking out a loan will not be an issue, and maybe I’ll even find ways into a business thing with the school or something crazy like that.
There wont be a quick way to supporting myself and school full time. At least not one that will allow me to work at my highest potential.
What focusing all this sexual energy on school will do is it will be the union of that sexual instinct to provide or whatever, and my natural intellectual inclinations. This seems like by far the best use of that energy I can think of right now.

Seduction: What is “fun” really?

So I went for a jog a few days ago, ad I’m still riding on the increase in neurochemicals from that. It’s propelled me to just exude a positive vibe when this woman was being a bitch serving me lunch. I ended up with an free sandwich because I just explained to the other server why I misunderstood the format of ordering. I kept the positive vibe and I feel like it was a victory for everyone involved because any negative energy directed at me just bounced off and disappeared, while I gave off more good and confident) vibes.

So before I start I just want to say that things like jogging and meditation show us that our true happiness comes from within. Once we learn that, it shows up as a confidence because we become in control of our emotional state, for as long as well can keep up jogging or meditating etc. This also manifests in our reactions to other peoples negative energy. We don’t need them to make us feel good, and so they can’t make as feel bad. We are in control. We just exude a positive vibe that helps everyone else.

So, What is fun?

Since my creativity level has improved due to jogging and vitamin d etc I have a more clear idea of what fun is. An idea that instead of being hindered by fear, there is no fear, but instead there is only thrill.

For example, if you are going out to have a fun night, what is fun? Dancing? Like everyone else? Is that an adventure?

I feel like if I’m going to have fun I need to be pushing boundaries. I am in school and realized if I study something it needs to be on the cutting edge. This is because it’s what is fun for me. Therefore if I go out to a club what is fun wont being in for a nice conversation and dancing and a quick make-out etc and the whole boring old charade that everyone does. It’s not fun for me, and because of this, if I try to do it, girls will feel the lack of energy.
So if I think all that stuff is boring, then I guess the oneness is on me to come up with something that actually is fun. For the most part something like this in a social situation was kind of like a blind spot for me. I just assumed what everyone else does is all there is. That the things I generally do, are all that is fun for me. That my fun and their fun, were just not compatible. Now I see things differently.

I can have fun. In a club or bar venue. It’s just that it might have to be a version of truth or dare, with an emphasis on dare. It wont be everyone’s cup of tea, but the people who get it, will probably really get it. Basically, when I walk into a venue where everyone’s anuses are so tight that …not even light can escape it ….lol fuck I mean I can either leave, or I can just explore what I can get away with. Like, how efficient can I be at getting what I want out of this chaotic social scene “excuse me, yea hi, can I get a kiss?” next girl “excuse me, yeah hi, can I get a kiss?”  “can I smell your hair? I want to know what it smells like. I have a guess but I want to actually find out now!” “Can I get a quick make-out”(naw that’s sloppy seconds) I mean, if everyone wants to have fun, I feel like this is fun. I guess not all girls will agree, but…I agree…sooo…there’s that. Fuck, now I actually want to go to a club. “hey everyone, I wanna introduce myself and gauge how cool everyone is here so HI”

I mean if you want to talk self amused, in a club or bar scene, that is self amused for me. Not pulling a girl outside for a deep conversation, not trying to be Jim Carry in the mask on the dance floor. Not making a fool out of myself for anyone else’s amusement either. No, what I want to see is how much I can do of what I want to do. How many boundaries can I cross (within reason of course), and reach new uncharted territory.

I mean sure it’s cool to find people I can connect with on deeper subjects. Connection is healthy and powerful. However, it seems “fun” for me is more about exploration, than finding all the things we have in common. Exploration of just, the world, of who people are, of what life can be, etc. The thing is, doing this seems to be aided strongly by a level of optimism inside to make it ok to dare.

Wow, for so lon I have kept myself in this kind of box of what fun was. Real fun has come out once or twice, like when I was drunk and just wanted to try something. However, in daily life, I have become more subdued. However, increasing my metabolism to that of a teenager through exercise, seems to correspond to increasing my interest in “risky behavior”, which if done in a controlled fashion is probably what a lot of people are itching for but don’t know it. (Controlled, meaning hopefully the itching should not be from a brand new std)

Sustainable Life: Self Love + Connecting with others = Freedom

So my response to the situation of property leading to a loss of freedom.
We wouldn’t be satisfied if we were each given a planet to roam on our own so more property
is not the answer. The problem was that the natural state of man was one of scarcity were we had to do whatever we could to make sure enough of us survived. That included competing against neighboring tribes and even more, it meant parents pitting the young against each other and placing value judgements(inequality) which became a disease that persisted far beyond the end of scarcity. This disease that remains now is the disease of human connection. It is the reason we still choose property over each other. It is because there was a time when that might have been necessary to retain human life. Human life I guess is paramount over human connection as without life there can be no connection. What we have left is a residual inflammation.
We need to heal that so we can move on, and it’s gonna be fun!

One source of residual inflammation is the compulsion to be loved by someone else. The signal of not being loved stems from a time when there was scarcity and a parent could only love a child who would help the family survive.
If you can stop needing people’s love in the main ways we compulsively do:

Individualization: Praise, admiration, recognition etc
Biological: Sex, sexual appreciation, etc
Philosophical: Bad ideology about your own worth etc, especially based on other peoples selfish views.

To the point where you stop seeking out people for these reasons and stop even striving for goals for this purpose,

And

If you can focus on things that make you feel love for it’s own sake

Biological: Exercise, sleep, diet
Individualization: This you are just inspired to do
Philosophical: Realizing the only person worth trying to please is yourself, and how liberating it is to not depend on other peoples love for your own happiness.

Then you reach that point of self love and a new form of freedom.

This is freedom is the freedom to connect with another human being and share with them and experience with them and learn from them.

Social guide lines:

You can make yourself happy so you don’t need anyone else to see any value in you beyond your ability to share experiences with them and connect with them. That should be the only prerequisite to being a “friend”. Being able to connect. An

Ask them about themselves. What do they like, what are they doing, etc.
If you already get love from within you don’t need to make any conversation about yourself. You find in them the things you can relate to(might be hard to find in some and may require specific situations where a common interest/need comes to light). So you are not seeking love from them, you are also not necessarily seeking to love them. You are seeking the overlap between you two so you can connect and share based on that. You find the overlap, and you … overlap them, creating a stronger version of that thing. Like how you laugh louder in a theater with other people. Or how two heads are better than one.

This is the new freedom we have. It is the freedom to connect with others and share.

About Increasing Mood as a Science, as a purpose

I was on the subway home this evening and I was in a really good mood. It was probably a combination of cutting out wheat, and working out hard, and lot’s bananas.

Anyways I was feeling this energy. This kind of like potential, or inspiration. It was like a wave that swept over me. I had music on and it was like it went with the music. It was like, “You are awesome, or you cab be awesome” or maybe it is more accurate to say the energy was simple, “about awesome”.

It made me think about doing things. Awesome things. Things other people would think are awesome.

However, this is not what I am interested in anymore. I realize that by depending on how others view me, I leave myself weak and vulnerable to their desires over my own.

So now I focus on making myself happy. It seems weird to think about. It’s hard to impress yourself. To entertain yourself. It’s definitly not the same as having other people love you and be impressed by you.
What it is though, is just working to put yourself in the best mood you can, and then enjoying it or working with it to make it even better.

I realized that what I was feeling on the subway didn’t have to be put towards something. It already was something. That sense of awesomeness, wasn’t something I needed to achieve in that other people would recognize it. In instead, it was something I already had and was experiencing, just by being in optimal or near optimal health. Iunno, it does lead to an inspiration to do something and I guess doing things to help others is good. Just that it needs to be based on my desire to help them, not on my desire to be loved.

You can get happiness through other people’s love, but you don’t have to. You can also get a more dependable happiness, by increasing your health to the point that the endorphines and feel good hormons flow all the time and you just feel awesome.

In light of the realization of how happy I can feel when no worrying about how others feel about me, and how that often makes them like me more, I have stopped focusing on women as much. In doing this I have realized that I wasn’t having trouble projecting the sexual state because I was unhealthy(at least that’s not the only reason). The other reason is that it’s just not authentic. When I’m in a good mood, I have a lot of thoughts and I don’t just stand there being sexual. I have too many other dimentions to exist in.

I can make eey contact, but it wont be just sexual and calm, it will be excited and erratic and wondering, ect, and maybe sometimes sexual. Only if I feel like it though. Only if after all the things I enjoy in life, the sexuality of the moment somehow overpowers me. I don’t need to be overflowing with sexuality and women, to be a man. I don’t even need to be a man lol. I just need to let my awesomeness show.

I felt at somepoints today like I was totally outside of the suffering most people face these days. I felt above it. Like I was looking down. No I didn’t have women swarming me. Instead, it seemed like what those women would be after, was beneath me as well. At least in the moment. Like I didn’t want what most of them wanted, and I felt my perspective, was more right. It is, for me, and it is important therefore that I feel that it is. Unlike before were it seemed my wants could be disqualified as not masculine.

The idea of being satisfying for women sexually is actually a huge source of suffering and confusion for a lot of men, and some women. It’s the idea that a woman’s sexual appreciation is a measure of ones worth and that the more sexually attractive the woman, the more important her appreciation becomes.

In this state though, I find I can chose to just go beyond all that. I mean, it is obviously only valid in the same way peoples appreciation is valid in general. It is valid if you are not happy otherwise. We might just be hardwired to see women’s sexual appreciation as a form of love and social security. However, being health on our own allows us to move beyond all that. Hopefully to everyone’s benifit.

I felt like I was beyond a lot of that stuff and looking down at it from a place, maybe too high to help in a way. Like it felt disfunctional in a way. This actually is how I felt at one point in elementary school. Like I didn’t have the capacity to give emotionally what other people needed, but for the most part things weren’t getting to me. So I was like a self-sufficient outside. An alien. Also because I could give what most people seemed to need, it seemed like I must be a worhtless alien, at least in there eyes, which mattered to me at the time.

Now, two things.
1) is that I realize what my value would be, and it would be based on ideas, not emotions.
2) I don’t really desire people’s selfish judgements of my worth. (maybe because I know what I have to offer, and or I really just don’t care because I’m happy).

I feel like increasing mood in this way as I have been doing, which has been arduos, could be a science on it’s own. Especially in how individual it’s processes are.
Also I feel like with how my mood makes me feel, that feeling good and better, seems like an actual purposeful venture. It feels that good, and also it makes sense that the sercret to life extension could be found in how our moods react to certain inputs.

Also, I might not care much about money, but I do care about living right. It could be that people will notice how I shine in this way. Possibly I could become a role model in this area. The area of self love. If you have red this far, maybe you think I live myself too much lol. Iunno. It feels good.

– Sad (minus sad)

What if either we are already happy, or there is no happiness. There is only being sad or not sad, plus other transient emotional states like euphoria ect.
It seems like working to not be unhappy is more profitable than trying to seek higher and higher levels of happiness.

This is not a depressing way of seeing the world necessarily, nor does it mean not doing amazing things with your life. It simply means assume base line happiness and only do things to protect it. For instance, or you trying to achieve your dreams because you don’t believe you can be happy otherwise. Or are you trying because you would regret not having tried. These are both good reasons. However, one assumes you couldn’t be happy enough otherwise, where as the other just assumes that trying means protecting a happiness you already have.

One means seeking outside yourself, while the other means protecting what is already you.

I just thought of this while observing one of my professors who seemed very cheerful even while seeming physically not as healthy as would seem necessary.

Spirituality, intellegence, dreams, teal swan, mindfulness of the shit lol

“It’s a seasoning you have to accept” – a quote from a dream I had where I was fighting my Tae Kwon Do instructor on top of a train car and this mysterious intense pain in my stomach that I’ve had in many other dreams happened and as in many of the others, it was as if someone was doing it to me. In this case in was the instructor and he said “it’s a seasoning you have to accept”. Then in the dream I knew what it meant and so I screamed into the pain, with the pain, and in a state of I guess pride, and the pain was more accepted.

I listened to Teal Swan talk about spirituality 2.0 where you learn that just focusing on positive goals eventually means being happy but always running from discomfort and so it’s maybe not optimal. So you allow discomfort to happen, or maybe run towards it even.

This is supposed to be a goal you reach after you get as far as you can into 1.0 where you are happy almost all the time. Iunno about that though. I feel like it just depends on how much drive you have to be happy all the time. (which may be due to some innate level of spirituality)

I feel I have done some of the 2.0 stuff although maybe not always for the right reasons. Like I have felt really lonely because I was not willing to not hang with people I didn’t like.

Anyways I realized that a lot of the most important things I’ve learned in life have been about how to be happy and for the most art these aren’t things you can make money off of. I often have wished I could find something that I could be satisfied doing that I could also make money off of but for the most part I haven’t found it.

I realized though, that if I focus on 2.0, on being happy with things not being perfect, then that would mean I wouldn’t need to worry about what I could make money doing. I would be happy and inspired just because I chose to. It’s like, if we really have so much abundance, then no one should need to buy or sell anything. So maybe that is the path I’m on.

Monks make this stuff seem so boring. Living isolated up in the mountains and where robes. I have heard some of those guys aren’t even seeking spirituality 2.0 or even 1.0, but instead are seeking followers so they can feel like the shit. Spirituality 2.0 as I’ve experienced it is way different because when you are really engaged in your spiritual growth and get those moments of euphoria and connection, it’s actually awesome.

My main issue now is that I feel way happier now than I did over the summer when I was lonely a lot and apparently social contact is a human need. I’m wondering if I feel happy because of the health from connection only, or if being in school makes me feel more connected to society and more valuable. If it is the later, I am wondering if it’s because I THOUGHT/think that being valuable is still important and this is just a belief I can overcome, or if it is a deeper psychological need that is hard to get over, or if it’s even just something that is a want, but a deep want, that I haven’t learned to live without.

Also I realize at and after 2.0 I would be way more in the moment because I wouldn’t be planning how to get away from boredom that could creep up in the future. So I would be more in the moment, and I realized that being in the moment makes it easier to learn so I would be smarter? It makes me wonder if spiritual development will parallel with intellectual development and ability.

Fun For Youtube: Find Intrigue then dive deep into understanding it

So what I have been thinking about this weekend, is the focus on fun. I’m am feeling more and more like the future will depend to some extent on people having fun. By “fun” I mean attaining higher levels of happiness, joy, passion, feeling alive, ect. Well, I guess you could say I’ve been distracted even from that because I’ve actually been focusing on how the fun I plan to have, could translate into a form of value for other people.

See I am creative in general, but mostly I don’t do as much with it as some other types. At least, I don’t do as much on the outside. However, on the inside things are happening.

I wonder if I could just extrovert those things that happen in my head, just express myself more fully, would would be the result. I’ve already learned lately that in conversation, the more I am able to say what is on my mind (where it’s invited) the more value and enjoyment I end up bringing to the converation. Even negative opinions of someone, if said in the right way, will come across as not a complaint but as a humorous observation of my own disliks.

Anyways, here is the brainstorm of the solo activities I enjoy and where I feel I could add value to an audience:

Books – On the rare occasion that I’m reading a book, I am not the type to just say “that was a good read”. If I am reading a book, a book I like, I will be making connections to other concepts for the duration of that read. Sadly I think reading a book is not video worthy, but the discussion about what I’ve read might be.

Also, while I enjoy writing story ideas, it could be more efficient to instead of trying to put the random inspirations into something. I could just speak about them as they come up. This leads me to, when watching a movie and I think, well wouldn’t it be cool if this happened instead. I could voice that idea.

Music – Just nodding my head wouldn’t work. However, if I can go in deep about what exactly the song makes me feel, (like I have done in some comments, with great response) I feel like I could be adding some value there as well. I could even do this with my own songs, as well as more popular songs, or just a wider variety. Also I could accept other people reccommenting me songs as people love to do. I get it. The value that comes from reccomending ones tastes to someone else. It’s like, the chance to form a connection with someone else based on something very deep. That’s gold.

Movies are one where you could actually watch and do commentary while watching. It would be like what I do anyways in my head. Something strikes me and I just go off on a tangent and think about something for a few minutes. I could have that process outloud. Ect.

Video games, same thing. I mean there are games that are enjoyable for the gameplay and for me it would be stuff like smash bros, starcraft, mtg. That stuff is goal oriented, competition oriented stuff which is also fun (with other people) but it’s not the thing I seem to fight for the most. At least, in the past it hasn’t been the thing, or the only thing, I’ve fought for. Zelda 64 was all about just exploring and learning more about the world and about people and their perspectives through the worlds they create.

Now, this is just sticking to stuff that is fun. I’m sure people could learn from watching the way I do dishes. It’s just that that might not be as attractive, as fun. So it would be better to learn possibly the same ideas, but through something I actually find fun.

I’m now wondering how much can be learned from me, just being myself, instead of actually trying to make a name as a teacher. I wonder if the the foundations of my cognitive style could somehow be summed up in how they are expressed why I am enjoying myself. This would be very valuable I think. However, it seems at least right now, that much of my congitive developement, happened through me trying to solve the problems to get me to this point. Trying to reach a state of passion and enjoyment in life, and connection with people, and meaning.

It is possible, especially with the music analysis, if I focus on the emotions, that I could be leading people in more emotional/spiritual exploration and that this would be as/if not more important than the reasoning that got me here.

I am kind of shifting to the focus of value more than fun at this point. Iunno, maybe I shouldn’t. I think I now focusing on it for the sake of seeing if I have somehting worth putting on youtube, and something good for humanity.

Anyways, so I kind of feel like that sweetspot for me for engagement, would be letting people recommend me songs and also my choice of songs being stuff more than just I enjoy. Then leading the views through my emotional analysis of myself as I listen to these songs. Not just for them, but also for me, as it would be a form of learning about myself and about the world and other perspectives. Also it activates my imagination in a far more natural way than if I just sat down trying to create stories.

Oh, this sounds familiar. I realized the same thing about learning Chinese today. I don’t enjoy making up stories just for the sake of productivity. I’d much rather be making a story based on guessing of what actually could be. It’s a form of exploration, or wonder. Sometimes that wonder is initiated by some random thought or sight or occurance. However, in cased where a person has created a sort of mystery, my imagination can often run wild in search of possibilities.

So there could be this natural trend in my productivity where I do best when I have something in front of me that is intriguing. Wether it is a written language, or my own emotional reactions to something. Also I guess you could say this creativity is a good form of problem solving and that the more indepth I can go with my digging, the more other could benifit.

The secret here seems to be in finding things that generate that intrigue. Not all things do this. Physics doesn’t often seem to do this. It’s just to of this world for me. I see possibilities far beyond it.

Letting go of need for recognition: The Joy of Sharing Interests

This post outlines my process of discovering of an overarching interest I have that is strong enough that it brings love into my life which I can give to others without expectation of return in any way.

Introduction

Yesterday I was thinking the whole day of new goals I could work on. My reason was that I wanted to be known for what I was, for my potential, ect. However, that just led to a sort of stress as it’s unatural for me to just decide to do things, without actually wanting them for more intrinsic reasons.

I’m realizing further today that I probably need to let go of trying to gain any sort of recognition, at least for it’s own sake. It’s just as it is for attracting women. You attract them best when you
are living your life for you,being healthy, having fun, ect, and not for them. So I’m brainstorming what can make me happy when you take away women and take away the ego.I mean, should still want respect for intrisnic value wether or not it is admiration. Also, if wanting to be awesome is an inspired want(like, wanting to be like some idol/superhero/ect), then I guess it’s worth striving for. However I feel like I did a lot of that when I was younger and so now I want something more. I want to do things that will improve my life in more interesting an useful ways.

Anyway, I feel one thing I’m doing right that I wasn’t before, is I’m allowing myself to watch tv when I feel the need. Another thing is I’m in school around people. Whether they admire me or not is not as important. Just that there is a social exchange is pretty good.

I guess this is going into a bunch of tangents but the main thing is I realize there are two things I want focus on:

Focus on helping others
Focus on helping myself(like having more fun)

Also that helping others things might be based on fun, like extroverted energy building when teaching someone something. I rarely care if I’m admired for it. Just when I’m in the mood I see someone doesn’t know something, and I feel this urge to make sure they know it.

I guess that’s my way(way).

Two main categories of (goal oreinted)fun that I seem to focus on intensly are:

1.Being Admired (ego based, therefore expecting recognition in return for achievment)

In stuff like video games, or actually any form of goal where the value is based on what value others have prpoduced before it seems fairly enjoyable but at the same time if I look back on childhood there was a hint of obsession that developed where I would coup up in my room trying to make a deck and it was at least partly about proving myself because if I could prove that I could kick ass with such and such a deck then I would be admired, and I guess win friends?

Even stuff like writing has this feeling like I want the recognition for what I’ve figured out and achieved. However, the reality is that people don’t need a lot of what I’m writing. Not just because everyone is different, but because other people can and should figure stuff out on their own. Also because there is a difference between teaching, and showing off what I’ve discovered, I feel this feeling of recognition is not the same as times where I am helping someone with something they need help
understanding. I guess it’s different.

2.Curiousity (Interest based, not expecting anything in return)
Learning about things is extremly fun for me. I feel though that what I enjoy learning about (just for the curiousity, not to solve a problem) might be focused on the realm of people and myself. Isn’t it interesting that I cared more about cellini’s story than Da vincis note book of inventions. Well for one, Cellini’s was a glorious and entertaining tale, but I feel I generally care more about people are than what they have to teach. Unless ofcourse, what they have to teach applies to a problem or interest of mine already.

Music, Art, Language, (film/movies/stories), etc

These are all about different perspectives on the world. I guess these are higher forms of education, because instead of learning about specific concepts, you learn how to conceptualize in general. I guess philosophy stems from that, but philosophy is actually a level beneath. The study of how people think/feel/what they are/ect is the highest level education one can get. Beyond that there is a level of learning above education, which is experience.

I also spend a lot of time solving problems, and you could say this is productive, but it is far from ideal. The ideal would be to not have those problems, and be able to focus on the fun. At the same time, that fun, at least the definition I just described for me, would involve learning things that should very applicable to solving problems.

Oh btw, competition can be about learning how people think as well, and in that cause it would go under the second form of fun.

I feel that in focusing on what people are etc (including myself)(and I guess other curiousity based interests) I will automatically have things to talk about that I can go on forever about, without the focus nessesarily being on me (except when someone recognizes my contributions and observations ect by chance ( could happen a lot but it wont be my main drive)). My main drive will be enlightening people about all the cool shit that is out there. Sharing in that cool shit.

It’s making more sense now. I will teach stuff that is so interesting to me, that I can’t keep from teaching it. When I take the focus off trying to be something, I allow myself to find what is actually interesting for me (even if it’s a tv show, or a culture, ect) and tell people about it, giving that true passion to them, without even trying. I may not end up doing this through writing, or through youtube, but however it happens, I just want to make sure I enjoy it for it’s own sake. I just need something that is truly fun, in my life.

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