Do you think you are awesome…as a defense mechanism?

I recently came to a realization that in a lot of my pursuits I have been trying my best to do everything myself.
A few examples:
Youtube: Wanting to get popular without sharing my channel with my friends or family, actually I think this is understandable though. I talk about stuff I don’t want to have to discuss again with my friends. However, one of the reasons otherwise is simply I want to prove that I can get popular on my own.

Jobs, not really wanting to use my friends to get me a job. I mean here to there is the idea that I wouldn’t want to be putting out any of my friends. However in general a bit thing is that I would want to prove to myself that I could get an awesome job without help.

Women, I’m sure my friends could introduce me to some awesome girls, however I wouldn’t want that. One reason is that would want my relationships to be mine alone, not my friends business. Second though, is that I would want to know that I can develop relationships on my own. It’s partly about freedom, and partly about pride.

To go further about me, I have always been extremely ambitious in a way most people aren’t. I wanted to be a super hero long after most kids grew out of that idea. The I wanted to be at least a super smart genius wizard able to do anything, get anything I wanted, by myself.

I mean it would be freeing to be that type of person, and if it is attainable then why not. Now thing reason is kind of complicated, and maybe it depends on who you are. For me though, the reason is because of the reason WHY I wanted those things in the first place.

First let me just say, that the world can be improved without someon rising up as some super smart person so saying that it is for the good of everyone is not a proper excuse. Everyone has potential, not just an exceptional few.

So the reason for me is that I think I was just using this outlandish desire and view of myself(as I at least identified primarily as having the potential to be this amazing person, me instead of focusing on we) I think the desire arose as a reaction to feeling the opposite at a few points in my child hood. I mean I want to keep my self-confidence and optimism and belief in myself, I think it’s actually important to have that.

What I’ve let go of is the need to prove this potential to the detriment of my social interactions. See the more I focus on trying to be independently awesome, just to prove I can, to my self if no one else, the more I have to avoid the pro-social interactions and bonding that could be had by allowing people to help you and to work with them to accomplish bigger things.

The thing that may have initially started me realizing that I need to change this is…well one is I started jogging which really gives me a more natural sense of self-worth. Next is, and actually one of the reasons I started jogging in the first place, women. I want to have healthy relationships with the opposite sex. I mean I do already for the most part, it’s been trying. Social anxiety get’s in the way but jogging helps with it.

The realization that I can’t have sex by myself and so I will always need a partner for at least that, is a big part of what helped me see the contradiction in my goals. I wanted to prove I was awesome, so that I could feel more comfortable working with others, knowing I’m still valuable on my own.

The other part is that I realized working with others is where a lot of the meaning comes from for me, what a “career” is, and a big part of “living” is. So there was really no escaping the correction. If I wanted the ideal meaningful life, meaningful relationships, meaningful work, I would need other people, and that’s what I want.


Work = Fulfillment (Work, not success, not specific goals, just working)

I’m going to throw out some ideas here:

1. Working and living can be seen as synonymous when looked at in a kind of abstract and primitive way. I mean, we live because our cells “work”. Everything we do is based on every cell in our body “working”. So you could say the more we work, the more alive we are. More to this in number 3.

2. In many instances, we choose not to work hard because we assume it will feel worse than not working at that time. We are often mistaken about this. For example, if you don’t feel up to a jog or walk but do it anyways you will often feel better, happier, as the jog progresses (assuming you jog for a limited time like 30min). So we can often assume that even though we don’t feel up to something such as work, there is the possibility that we could enjoy it, if we just did it, or even did it with the goal of enjoying it(working out harder because you know the chemicals will flow stronger and you will feel happier faster).

3. We often find fulfillment in playing games, but when it comes to a career, we struggle to find one that will be fulfilling. Why is it that games that have no real world impact can be more fulfilling that careers, work that is based in the real world. It stands to reason that what is really fun and fulfilling in then is being active, feeling challenged, working, etc, more than what that work is, and what impact it has on society. However if we think it’s not enough to just work on SOMETHING, then we wont think we should even be doing it. Doing things we think we shouldn’t be doing, that we think of as wastes of time, would result in the opposite of a rewarding experience. This advice might not be for everyone as some personality types learn early on what they want to do. However, other types seem infinite and ever expanding possible list of options. Here I wonder, is it the things you do that will make YOU feel happy, or that you are doing?

4. Sometimes we divide our focus between goals that are in conflict with each other. There are many kinds of conflict but a basic form of conflict is of reward circuitry. If you achieve a goal that rewards you extensively without being fulfilling, such as porn/drugs, etc, then you will not have any reward chemicals left for things that will be fulfilling. Depending on who you are of course. If you remove all the “distractions” that compete for you reward resources, would you be left with only the desire to work?

5. Many people who are not able to do as much work, don’t have the motivation, etc, wish they did. They wish they could do more and are trying to figure out how. We(generalizing) have an intrinsic motivation for growth, and productivity. Once this motivation wins over the other distractions, we should find ourselves un-able to live any other way.

6. We need to either believe in ourselves, and/or be willing to experiment, to see what we can accomplish and even enjoy if we put our minds to it.

7.  You may notice you have self-talk about how certain work is not enjoyable and fulfilling, which you wouldn’t have even categorized as self-talk because it seems like just logic. If you can remove this, and replace it with commands to yourself to work, you will work.

8. Another way to look at this is to observe that when you seek out instant gratification through drugs, and other stimulation, your brain get’s worse at making you happy. However, when you seek out challenges like exercise and intellectual challenges, things where you have to push yourself, push against resistance, against the initial negative emotions, your brain get’s better at making you happy. At least, if you are taking up those challenges willingly.

9. So with all these things in mind it stands to reason that the best way in reach a state of being where you feel fulfilled, would be to just start working on something. Anything. Well, anything that is work, that is hard, and that will result in completion, production, achievement. Like like how we work out using weights, not building houses, we should set out to live  a fulfilling life by doing challenging work, not work that is necessarily the most “meaningful” as that can always change. I’m not saying don’t do meaningful things, of course you should. I’m saying don’t depend on them to shape your productive lifestyle, but use productive work as a form of training for growth, independent of what might be meaningful. So, do work, and maintain focus on doing work, with the belief or hypothesis that doing this will lead to enjoyment of this and therefore fulfillment.

Productivity: Complete it in a Day”

Summary: For certain long term goals, especially learning, create relevant projects that you can complete in a day, and then every day create and complete one of those, eventually forming a collection of completed projects that are the equivalent of that goal, in scope.

Link: This concept comes partly from :

I just notice that as a motivational tool it applies to any job. It’s that as long as you start and complete something (I say the same day but just sooner rather than later) you will reap the reward of having something you have produced. By this I mean, you will have done something REWARDING.

For instance, think about video games with levels short enough they can be COMPLETED in one sitting. Enemies are defeated (completion). Items are discovered and COLLECTED. ( Being able to collect something seems to be motivated as well. I wonder if this is because as you collect more things you gain more reference to which of those things are better/worse. Is there a relationship also between collecting and personal history maintenance or something?

When you lift weights, you COMPLETE sets. I could go on about all the things where you achieve a form of completion within the same day and how you remain motivated to start of the same task again. As well, I could also probably find many things where if you don’t complete said task, it has a negative psychological if not psychosomatic effect. Failing reps in a set of weight lifting for example. Task based work is far more addictive than long haul things or leaving things incomplete.

I notice my music making productivity has increased a lot ever since I decided that when I make a song I’ll just do it the same day, same sitting, etc, unless inspired otherwise. Also that I’ll see it as exploration rather than trying to make it as good as possible, although I’m exploring what sounds good of course.

I wonder if I could apply this concept to all the goals I have. Just try to make and complete a thing related to my goal. I mean, when it comes to goals that would take a long time to complete otherwise. I instead set up a new standard of achievement for myself by first choosing completable versions of that longer goal. This is important, it’s not mini-goals. It’s full on finished products. Just that I stick with products that can be achievable in one sitting, or two, and that are versions or related enough to the long term goal that eventually they could make up that longer term goal.

For example, instead of a game with 100 different elements. Create 100 games, each with one of those elements. I mean, you can do more if you actually want to. I also imagine it being helpful and more fun, to slowly increase the difficulty of the tasks, but not like, first task takes 1 day, second task takes 10 days. I mean, 1 min increase/day on average, or just being able to do more in the same amount of time because you know more. Keeping it really easy.

Another way to do this is just set a minimum of completing a daily task in one of the areas you want to focus on, and let the other areas be bonus. This way if you really feel like working longer on the first task like if you get a jolt of creativity or are just bored and want to keep things interesting, and you go overtime it’s cool. Iunno about this yet tho.

My inspiration for this is seeing some really productive people out there and wanting that for myself, but also wanting it to be fun or at least be able to keep my motivation. Doing things in this task based way I think has the potential even to become a form of adventure. I mean, I would be doing something different every day for sure, and I would be finishing everything I start. I would be able to look back on what I’ve done before. Watch the collection grow.

If I were to do this, it would help to not allow myself time to do as much random entertainment, which is fine because I guess I’ve already been not doing random entertainment. I have a concept of how good it would feel to be doing awesome things all the time, and I want that, so I guess that is helping me reach this point of figuring out how to make that lifestyle work for me. I would also incorporate school into this.

Focusing on “The Body” After dream interpretation (A few days late in posting)

Last night i had a dream that my mom was urging me to have my arms amputated and rewired to cybornetic arms. She was telling me I needed to do this because of the threat of some sort of bone disease thatthere was a chance i would eventually getlater on in life if I didn’t. I was really scared but actually considering it. I asked someone, a nurse? or iunno, because where was this happening, i thought it was at home, about if they use anesthetic and they said something about pain killers lol. I was thinking about doing it since i had all this meditation practice from before and thought I shouldnt’ have to be so scared.

I think I left without giving a definit answer, maybe I said later I’ll c or something. Then I think in the basement of my room, I took off my shirt and i had all this black stuff attached to my back, like a black thick mold covering it like tar. So I started scraping it off with m fingers. Next I walked into a good friend’s house and into the basement or somewhere and two other good friends where there and I think they were offended that I just showed up and walked into his house like that but I don’t think I even appologized.

Today I learned about rembrant’s painting of a philosopher and a woman making him tea and I feel like it’s something I would cry if I could lol. It felt like it was my mom and me in a way. Then later that good friend who’s house I was in, in the dream, irl texted me what’s new. and we get into a very intellectual discussion and I used this as an opportunity to see if maybe there was something there in terms of life and goals. Well by the end of the conversation, he was entertained by the debate as was I.

LaterI read this forum post and…

I think I need to try and make time for everything, or just a lot of things. That is what I’m getting from this entp blog I’m reading and I like the idea. He has like 16 things he does every day. Most of which are self-improvement oriented. It makes sense for a lot of reasons. For one, I don’t get too focused on one thing and deny myself improvements in other areas. I also leave enought time for all hobbies. I also low myself the chance to improve and feel success and the new experiences these successes lead to. It’s just the time management that might be hard. Also his thing is making it a lifetime adventure. So for lnaguage learnig for instance he will always be learning one a language I guess.

heh, actually he is an entj, but it got me thinking anyways and now I’m going to go for it. It’s like organizing my own development instead of relying soley on chance. Chance will happen anyways. However, I want to be able to have habits of purposeful development, that I can count on.

That could also have relevance to the dream I had. My mom telling me I should get robotic arms for my own good. Habits are kind of like being robotic, automated. So like, if I were part machine, I would be better. The next day were the teacher refered to the painting my rembrant, he said something about “The body”, but also that having to do with slaves and workers building up a nation. So following routines is kind of like being a slave to yourself. To what the future would be if you didn’t have those routines.

Also there is the fact that in the dream the robot hands also represented my anxieties for the 3 years of college and the year leading up, where I did become amazing at habits. I do feel like in some ways I have not been able to get back to that level as far as habits, and self-control. I think it would be cool, as long as I didn’t have to sacrifice too much. I just need a balance. For instance, what’s 25 minutes of not day dreaming per day. Not
a big deal, especially if it will net me other opportunies that lead to inspiration. What’s staying up late if the thoughts I think then are less useful and insightful. As long as I make daily habits that allow enough time to myself, I wont be sacrificing my time. Just getting the most out of it. If I have 5 hrs instead of 10, I’ll usually
fit 10 hrs of daydreaming into 5. However, If I have NO time, then I’ll feel it, unless I end up just daydreaming as I work…and this is another thing. If I can day dream and think while I work in many cases, then maybe I don’t need as much time to myself as I have though.
I just need to get used to thinking about two things at once or something. Like when I make music and I can still think about whatever else I want. So, if I became part robot, basically if I could have automatic processes of success, then it would be like achieving what the dream was urging me to. Not only that, but then I would be able to say to everyone else, that they need learn how to do these things as well. Become part robot. Do it, because it
is the only way to find peace? freedom? Yes, because is giving up a form of freedom? I don’t know. I think being able to work at anything indefinitly, and improving, and eventually enjoying it, is closer.

Basically be ok with doing things that are hard. If you have that, that mental strength,  if everyone had that mental strenght, AND they were willing to cooperate instead of compete, we would truly have a utopia. Forget about finding that ONE THING that yu truly love. Learn to love doing all the things you need to do to improve. Learn to make it a habit. Being able to work even when no rewards are forth coming but hoping they will come eventually.
That is freedom.

Then later I thought basically that since rembrant was also being thought to be representing the woman in teh paint to be the body of society and the philosopher to be the head, it would make sense that just as in the paining, and in the dream(in a twisted way I guess) I could focus more on my body. I’m sure my mom would respect that decision.

Well by the end of that night i had come down with a cold, but I had just picked up many vitamins ad healthy foods so I should be ok by tmr. Well hopefully. So this focus on the body(which I plan/ed to have as a goald of being as healthy as humanly possible) actually transitions nicely to my latest post where I talk about how I gain energy from beautiful ambience (music, room decor), and so yeah it fits in that way as well.

What comes out of boredom

So I was on the bus to school, thinking about the new perspective, of just enjoying surroundings and environment. Finding that sense of connection, even when alone. So I was trying to focus on that but I found myself…bored. So then I decided being able to connect by myself is one thing, but it’s like, it has it’s place. Like, when I really feel lonely, or it just hits me, iunno. When I’m bored though, what naturally comes out of it, is creativity. I started building a song in my head without really thinking about it. So I decided I would run with that idea and create the song on my laptop when I got to school.

Then I thought, creativity is a form of connection as well. So are other activities as long as you find yourself in that kind of zone.

After that I found myself focusing on two things throughout the day

one was increasing my testosterone levels

The other was figuring out a way to do what the song I created was inspiring me to do. It wanted me to do some really epic physical challenges. Like, that’s what would go with the music to me.

After trying to take a nap because I was listening to my body, I though, well it seems like a type of obstacle course would be what I’d want. Only it would have to be a huge almost otherworldly type of thing, with platforms, and whirlpools that suck you under when you jump in and spit you out some where else in the course, and those walls with pegs so it’s hard to climb. Iunno, the best I could do right now is draw what I think it should look like because I am in no position to make it happen at this time.

Anyways, I started trying to psych myself up back into the state I was in earlier but with little success because as I found out moments ago, I’ve been running on almost empty. I guess 45 min walk in the morning could have something to do with both that and the creativity in the morning.

I also did some research into testosterone, because it hadn’t hit me yet that I was just tired. I was focused on why my sex drive wasn’t there. Still learned some stuff though. I was actually about to walk to the store to buy some garlic to see if it will boost testosterone levels like I’ve heard, but I thought, no the whole problem seems to be that I keep trying to force myself to have energy, to do things, because what, because at one point I did them, so I assume I “should” remain that way. (Like I learned in psychology that frontal lobe in teens developed making them see all possibilities but no obstacles, consequences etc, so they become more creative etc. I had often though in my mid twenties, what happened to the teenage me who had so many dreams. Thing is, I still do, I’m just more developed than I was before.) Then it hit me that I was actually just tired, but it’s only 7:40 something. To early to sleep. So I decided, maybe I’ll just play my new song and sit and play with my hands. I put my hands in the form of a cup almost without thinking. Then I thought, it’s like I’m saying to the universe, “I’m empty, please give me some energy”. This is boredom and this is creativity. Then I thought of something else I could add to this song.

So if you think about it, everything I did from the time I finished that song, until now, was mostly based on something I thought I “should be”, when the reality was just not that.

I thought I should have a way to realize an obstacle course irl and not have it just be a dream

I thought I should have the energy to get into some form of training right now

I thought I should have a high sex drive

All of these when the reality, where the real “shoulds” come from, was that I am tired and don’t have the resources to make an obstacle course on my own. The reality is that I shouldn’t be horny, because I’ve been extremely active without the proper nutrition and sleep to back it up thus far.

This song still speaks to me though. It says, you can get even stronger, more attractive etc. Is that wrong? It seems goals like that are good. Having goals is good. Maybe the problem is I expect too much from myself too soon. I can think of more goals than I can achieve in a life time. Not that I shouldn’t keep thinking of them. Just that it might be wise to not try to act on all of them, but to keep them as ideas. If they remain ideas, they can be acted upon by me or anyone else, at anytime. Where as if I try to do the thing, own the thing, it seems it get’s in the way of things that are more basic but more healthy for me to actually be doing.

For example, weights vs calisthenics/back flips. weights seem to do more for me, but the fact that it seems so easy, so normal, makes it seem unworthy in comparison to the possibilities I can think of. However, maybe it’s actually best if instead of trying to act on all my ideas, I focus my energy on those basic things, and then let my ideas pour out and I can just tell people about them.

Also, I guess my health isn’t really a “simple” or “easy” thing. It’s actually an ideal. To be healthy, very healthy, and look great, and feel great. Weight training is kind of like, challenging one’s self to see just how healthy they can get. I guess that is worth doing. I man, health is life, it’s challenging life, trying to get more time.

heh, it’s funny, I’ve been at this for so long, but not a personal trainer. I guess it’s cool though. If I wanna look at it as something that should help others, I’m sure I inspire other people. However, part of me wants to keep this as something that is just for me. Iunno, it makes me wanna get into genetic engineering cause it feels like, All I can get out of this is muscles. Is that evolution. However, I guess working out could actually have a huge effect of my brain, especially the more I learn about how to improve. However, how long can I keep this up. Where is this going? I could turn it into a kind of meditation by being more and more aware of my body as I do the movements. Iunno.

I guess I could work on other pars of me as well although aesthetics as a kind of appeal, like sexually, that stuff like back-n training does not for me. lol. Oh, flexibility. I want that too if I can have it. I guess this is like a kind of yogic lifestyle almost. Just worshiping or improving upon the human body, through application of it’s own adaptive abilities.

We work so hard at our goals. Even if not for someone else’s love, at least to improve our mood. However, good moods I guess aren’t promised to us either. We try though, because what else is worth doing.

So , should I be striving to better my mood and make it more stable. Or should I just let go. It’s tricky but I think it’s possible to do both at once. Work to improve mood but not expecting anything to last(which in a way keeps the bad moods from being too bad). It sucks to think this way because it means none of the things you would want to really enjoy about life, will be super enjoyable. Not when you know they can be taken away at any moment and you’ll have to work again to get them back. However, there is also this underlying sense that everything is ok, when you can accept things like loneliness, and not achieving everything, etc. It feels kind of beautiful, like I’m not beating myself up over it and forcing myself to be something different. If I don’t end up achieving anything in life or making all my dreams come true, it’s no big deal.

Intimacy and Connetion When Alone

Not much to say here. Today was an interesting day.
Now that I’m back home, well I was just on the computer surfing random youtube videos. Looking without any really aim, and lot feeling satisfied, just if anything numb and distracted. So I decided I would just turn the laptop away from me for a second and see how I felt. I felt tired. So I’m going to bed.

“bed time” is a very intersting state. Falling asleep either with other people
in the house or alone, seems to have a level of intimacy.

I’m not sure it this is just a conditioned feeling based on childhood
experiences, or if it that I may dream of other worlds. It could
also be just the way brainwaves change, or the fact that in sleep our
brains make connections.

“Making connections”. That is to say, the brain goes through an intimate

It is interesting to see how something like falling asleep alone
can feel intimate while something like being in a crowded bar
can feel lonely. I think I want to seek out intimate experiences as opposed
to loneliness. (btw even loneliness can become intimate once you can be
in the moment with it. Louis CK describes this in detail in a clip on youtube.
I think it’s about everyone is on their cellphones these days or something.
You might have to google.

It’s not just that I want to be alone, but I don’t want to be in a position
where I feel disconnected. Now I can kind of see why monks go off in
solitude somwehere. I mean I’m sure there are other reasons, but I always
thought it was to “escape”, and run away from their problems. Now I can
see that they might just do it because solitude is just what they want. It
is where they feel most connected. Although it still feels a bit extrem
like, if we are supposed to be social beings, why are some of us up in a
mountain alone iunno. Could be that we aren’t “supposed” to be anythign
other than happy. It could also be that those monks will stumble upon the right
people this way, or gain the right inspiration to share things with people,
instead of giving up their happiness.

So, I want to seek intimate experiences. The ones through sleep, the ones
through mindfulness, maybe through music although even here I feel like
when I make music I need to decide am I making this to show other people, or
for myself. For myself is far more intimate.
I could get into the habit of making songs and then just deleting them
right after so no one get’s to see. lol, that would force me to just enjoy
them. However, then I wouldn’t get to save them.

So when I had that cold ealier in the year, I was feeling like, if I were
to die it would be so lonely and disconnected, so sad. So I felt like maybe
I should focus on connecting with other people. Now though, I feel like
connection takes on a whole new meaning. It doesn’t have to be with other
people. It just has to be.

I remember this one time listeing to angles by the tea party, I felt like
it was almost my life flashing before my eyes, but in a good way. It was
extremely beautiful and intimate. It was also just me by myself (although
someone else’s music but still).

Stoicism, Perspective, Sex, success, “giving up”

So yesterday I was feeling tired and so I decided I would just stop trying to think or keep myself awake etc. I was sitting on the bus and so I guess I got some micro-sleeps because I felt better soon after and was actually horny and for the rest of the evening a lot of women looked really attractive to me. However, then I started researching stuff about increasing or maintaining this feeling using herbs etc, and then I was up until past 12.

I originally decided to take a nap out of a sense of being overwhelmed slightly, and realizing I was doing it to myself. Why was I doing it to myself though? Well, because of other people and other perspectives out of which grew
a kind of damaging idea. The idea is that if you want to be happy you need to push yourself beyond what is healthy to earn it. That you are not good enough that you should be happy and that the only way to get there is to become something more.
“More” which is really a target moving further and further in to the distance forever.

Then there is the other way. Instead of striving for happiness, just strive for relief from unhappiness, in the healthiest and most
effective ways you can. Heh, then as I got up to start walking I starting thinking hmm maybe it’s about denying yourself things, like, not indulging. Based on how much peanuts suck for my mood. Then as I starting walking I though, wait, i don’t want to have to deny myself happiness. Then walking more I thought what is it I keep doing that keeps me in this cycle of happiness and then unhappiness. Also I thought about perspectives.

Then I thought, I’m really tied right now and no sex drive and it feels shitty, but what if I had just had a huge orgy last night and THEN woke up feeling this way? Maybe it would feel like a success so I would feel satisfied. So maybe I just need to change my perspective from one of constantly seeking sucess to one of seeing myself as already and always successful. In the short term people might not understand this way of seeing things, but I guess as long as it ended up as me being inspired and
doing more, then maybe it would work out. Sitting down again I feel like, would I feel that ONE orgy was success if it could never happen again? hmmm

So I think this is very important, especially in times when you already are kind of happy but thinking about being more happy. Here it seems I have the choice. I can either just chill and be happy with what I have and who I am, or I can stay up later than I should trying to get somewhere better. Iunno, because it’s hard once you are in a shitty mood to just have the perspective of being awesome. Or at least, even if you can feel like a success, it wont stop you from being in a bad mood. I guess it could at least stop you from letting your mood get any worse. So it could be that the best time to make the change in perspective, is while in a shitty mood lol.

So I guess a very stoic way of looking at the world then, which would be independent of social judgements so free of interference by other peoples perspectives, would just be that achievements don’t matter. Money doesn’t matter, travel doesn’t matter, sex doesn’t matter, health maybe doesn’t even matter. All that matters if even that, is consiousness. It matters as much
as it IS. You can’t have perspective without being conscious therefore consciousness “matters”. now that is a sleek design.

All these other things, even happiness, are all kind of transient as experiences in that you could expereince being happy one moment and then not happy the next. Consiousness isn’t quite like that. For the most part you are conscious or you are not. Well I guess there are levels of “clear hotheadedness” or fuzziness so I guess even there it’s hard to say.

Also if teal swan is right that you can’t stop wanting something you want, namely happiness, then the perspective of not care, wouldn’t be in conflict with this, it would just make it easier to get it.

Christianity and other religious views of an afterlife are also different perspectives that probably had an impact on me when I was younger. The idea of having unlimited lifespan is appealing.

Also, well, there is a difference between changing perspective of success and changing perspectives on relationships and general health. I am all for letting go of the idea of “success” I think success is realizing success is a fad and then having only the goals you just want to do and that would be painful to not do.

Health I hear from teal is perspective based as well, like you could be wounded but just change the perspective so that you don’t care. I guess maybe this has a place, if it adds to happiness.

The relationships, I think this is tricky. I don’t want to become sociopath. For now I think my biggest issue is just success so I think if I could let go of that idea I would be happier and sleep better etc. Basically realize if you die without achieving all your goals it isn’t really…iunno. It feels weird to say this, almost like it’s welcoming death lol. Well I can say at least for goals involving expressing myself, it’s kind of like how a child will want attention, the more growing should lead to less caring about it until you don’t care if anyone praises you for anything.

It’s almost like that Fe(people focused part of me) was trying to please other people, I guess through Si(body focused part, but if I let go of that perspective, iunno, maybe it will free me to actually just love people. It seems that this is what happens. It seems like today a lot of what people hate each other and fight over are just permutations of need of love from each other. Based on a perspective that it actually matters that people love you.

Sustainable Life: What do we know about freedom?

What does freedom mean to you. Ultimate freedom. Locke argues that the natural state of man was one were he was free to do what he wanted. That SOCIETY being created, robbed or forced the sacrifice of this freedom. However, do we really want freedom. Would you chose freedom if it meant being alone? because what do other people have to do with YOUR freedom? so maybe freedom is not as simple as doing what ever we want. If we like people, then our freedom is kind of reliant on what they like as well. I mean if we are connect with them in a positive way. It seems to me that freedom is not that ONE DIMENSIONAL. Freedom is not based on the needs of the individual. Instead it is a composite of that individual and all the people he/she connects with.

Anyways, it makes me think to the celestine prophecy. Like, maybe the connections were not a prophecy of the internet. Maybe it was something IRL that people are just not getting into yet.

Also it could just be a case of follow your needs, were I need more irl company than others so I should just go get it.

Anyways, if we were to look at the world as made up of different dimentions. Or look at the human experience as composed of different dimentions, I would say that with the internet we are mostly stuck on the data dimention butwe need to move on to a more real dimention and then even a hyper real dimention.

By this I mean, There is the irl individual reality. This is composed of the experiences you cna have on your own through interactions with the physical world including man made structures, just not interacting with
people in a two way connection.

Then there is the internet and by this I also mean everything except actually communication with people as it, getting to know them and feeling a two way connection. Even movies and youtube vids would go here. Anything that is not two way communication WITH a sense of real connection.

Then there is the dimention of connection. This is the area I think will become more important in the future but for the moment is be diregarded as people seek to self-actualize (which can actually be impeded if you
are aorund the wrong people, or maybe even the right people at the wrong

I feel like it is important to be able to be in a state of happiness while with people and while alone. I had to FREE myself from a lot of mindset issues and health issues that were holding me back from basic freedom. The freedom to just feel good inside. I mean I usually feel good in genera, but not in a free way. I used to feel good because I had goals that once accomplished, would allow become to feel good about myself and therefore free. Now I just feel good because I’ve figured out why I should just feel good. However, as I learn how to do this I think, what’s next. I just feel like there is more I should be doing than just feeling good, more I want to do. I mean that inspiration has to go somewhere.

So I have feeling good and being inspired + meeting people I can connect with

Connect with on the cool things we are inspired by that is.

So it seems like I’m more interested now, it actually bringing in cool people into my life. I’m not thinking about trying to get sex. I’m not thinking about trying to meet “better” people, to rid myself of the ones I know, ect. I just feel like meeting people, new and old, is the other half of what life is about.

Connecting with yourself is one half
Connecting with others, is the other half.

Meeting someone new can be a very magical experience if you are really in-sync. The conversation will flow and everyone will get to say what they feel is important to say. I guess the only important thing to look out for here is, are you focusing on saying things to prove what you know, to gain respect, admiration, or even understanding? R you speaking to get something out of this? See sometimes I will be talking to someone and it will seem like I will through at them all the cool stuff I know and they will just not think too much of it.

could share my music with someone and the will just go hm that’s nice. Well , what was going on there. Aso, why do I feel it’s so important to share my own stuff with the person, is there any other way of going about this?

I noticed with one good friend of mine, when we hung out, we weren’t as focused on waiting for out chance to speak. Instead we were trying to get more from the other person. I feel things run more smoothly this way. If we try to find what is interesting about each other instead of trying to show off what is interesting about ourselves. Not to mention it’s just good conversation skills. Also another way of looking at this is as a shared experience. Two people coming together to share the experience of the connection, and grow it stronger. Also It’s not about showing ourselves off to one another unless curiosity leads to the questions I described.
It’s about together experiencing LIFE together. So there is freedom where you experience whatever you want, but on your own. Then there is shared freedom, where people experience the overlapping of interests of life together. I feel we are in much need of the second one.

Spirituality, intellegence, dreams, teal swan, mindfulness of the shit lol

“It’s a seasoning you have to accept” – a quote from a dream I had where I was fighting my Tae Kwon Do instructor on top of a train car and this mysterious intense pain in my stomach that I’ve had in many other dreams happened and as in many of the others, it was as if someone was doing it to me. In this case in was the instructor and he said “it’s a seasoning you have to accept”. Then in the dream I knew what it meant and so I screamed into the pain, with the pain, and in a state of I guess pride, and the pain was more accepted.

I listened to Teal Swan talk about spirituality 2.0 where you learn that just focusing on positive goals eventually means being happy but always running from discomfort and so it’s maybe not optimal. So you allow discomfort to happen, or maybe run towards it even.

This is supposed to be a goal you reach after you get as far as you can into 1.0 where you are happy almost all the time. Iunno about that though. I feel like it just depends on how much drive you have to be happy all the time. (which may be due to some innate level of spirituality)

I feel I have done some of the 2.0 stuff although maybe not always for the right reasons. Like I have felt really lonely because I was not willing to not hang with people I didn’t like.

Anyways I realized that a lot of the most important things I’ve learned in life have been about how to be happy and for the most art these aren’t things you can make money off of. I often have wished I could find something that I could be satisfied doing that I could also make money off of but for the most part I haven’t found it.

I realized though, that if I focus on 2.0, on being happy with things not being perfect, then that would mean I wouldn’t need to worry about what I could make money doing. I would be happy and inspired just because I chose to. It’s like, if we really have so much abundance, then no one should need to buy or sell anything. So maybe that is the path I’m on.

Monks make this stuff seem so boring. Living isolated up in the mountains and where robes. I have heard some of those guys aren’t even seeking spirituality 2.0 or even 1.0, but instead are seeking followers so they can feel like the shit. Spirituality 2.0 as I’ve experienced it is way different because when you are really engaged in your spiritual growth and get those moments of euphoria and connection, it’s actually awesome.

My main issue now is that I feel way happier now than I did over the summer when I was lonely a lot and apparently social contact is a human need. I’m wondering if I feel happy because of the health from connection only, or if being in school makes me feel more connected to society and more valuable. If it is the later, I am wondering if it’s because I THOUGHT/think that being valuable is still important and this is just a belief I can overcome, or if it is a deeper psychological need that is hard to get over, or if it’s even just something that is a want, but a deep want, that I haven’t learned to live without.

Also I realize at and after 2.0 I would be way more in the moment because I wouldn’t be planning how to get away from boredom that could creep up in the future. So I would be more in the moment, and I realized that being in the moment makes it easier to learn so I would be smarter? It makes me wonder if spiritual development will parallel with intellectual development and ability.

Inferior Si reaction to lack of inspiration

This first half is my inferior Si talking through my Ne:

“There should be something I can do that is more valuable to me than money,
and sex and other things that should be a given(family, doing good, ect).
Music is one, but that feels like only part of something.
One way to look at it is wonder and awe.
Like, what makes me feel alive?
To be alive is to be conciouse and the highest form of
consiousness for me seems to be in a state of awe, curiosity, ect.
Even admiration maybe, iunno.
I mean there are lot’s of things that are important to me and that I value.
I mean, even problem solving ability is something I value. I just feel like it
is already a give in that you solve problems to reach some greater state of being.

Much like I am doing now.

So I’m thinking maybe I could just assume I will always be solving problems
as long as I’m always trying to improve.

Improve in what areas though I wonder.

I think one good area would be in creating experiences.

I wonder if I want to create real live experiences for myself
or if I want to focus on maybe something like story writing. ”

Some of that might have value, but not in the tired state I was hoping to use it in.
Now comes the realization:

maybe my tiredness is pushing me into one of those Si spirals

Well I just realized once again, that adventures(in real life)
are not planned. They just happen. So if there is nothing I urgently
want to venture out to do. I guess I could focus on creating some beautiful
things. Fencing could be good to. Also if I focused on finding more
interesting people to surround myself with, maybe the adventures will just
come out of this.

So I can focus on creating my own awe, and or finding it in other people.

hmmm, yup I feel that now the disatisfaction and thinking I need to
have a more defined focus is based on inferior Si wanting too much

My life will be an adventure as long as I focus on doing things as I find
interest in them. Maybe no need to push myself. As long as I remain healthy
I’ll be happy to go with the flow a bit more and just blog and vlog about
the adventures as they unfold.

Also could be that I’m trying to do a bunch of stuff just to say I do those
things when really I just want to do music… and the other things I already

When I’m in a more positive mood, I don’t do as much trying to be something.

I just get inspiration to do things cause they seem like cool ideas.
Then I just do them.

WIth lack of sleep, I don’t get those inspirations. So maybe Si is realizing
I have no inspired direction where I should have a constant sort of stream of
inspiration. So it says, wait, you don’t have any goals, any interests?
What about your future? Better thing about that man. No time for sleep,
you don’t have a future…

So Si starts telling my Ne to search fot things I might be able to be inpired
by when the truth is the inspiration and many of the ideas come from inside
and there is no need to force them. It’s just that I’m tired.

I was thinking, I wonder if maybe humans are striving for a point where they
can just relax. What would happen in that case. I realized when I’m most
relax that is when the best ideas come (unless my mind is just blank which
takes effort mostly).

So as well as letting people find me, I think I need to just let inspiration
find me more. I assume that is how I recently got back into music, iunno.

So I will stop trying to become something, or find a goal for material for
youtube, and just let the inspiration and therefore adventure, come to
me in whatever form it does.

Of course if my inspiration tells me to search for something fun to do, that’s
different that my inferior Si telling me to do it.

I feel like this Si spiral is only made possible by modern technology especially internet ect. Without that distract and information at my finger tips I feel I’d be more ok with just going to bed and letting it go until the next day. Well anyways…bed time!

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