Do you think you are awesome…as a defense mechanism?

I recently came to a realization that in a lot of my pursuits I have been trying my best to do everything myself.
A few examples:
Youtube: Wanting to get popular without sharing my channel with my friends or family, actually I think this is understandable though. I talk about stuff I don’t want to have to discuss again with my friends. However, one of the reasons otherwise is simply I want to prove that I can get popular on my own.

Jobs, not really wanting to use my friends to get me a job. I mean here to there is the idea that I wouldn’t want to be putting out any of my friends. However in general a bit thing is that I would want to prove to myself that I could get an awesome job without help.

Women, I’m sure my friends could introduce me to some awesome girls, however I wouldn’t want that. One reason is that would want my relationships to be mine alone, not my friends business. Second though, is that I would want to know that I can develop relationships on my own. It’s partly about freedom, and partly about pride.

To go further about me, I have always been extremely ambitious in a way most people aren’t. I wanted to be a super hero long after most kids grew out of that idea. The I wanted to be at least a super smart genius wizard able to do anything, get anything I wanted, by myself.

I mean it would be freeing to be that type of person, and if it is attainable then why not. Now thing reason is kind of complicated, and maybe it depends on who you are. For me though, the reason is because of the reason WHY I wanted those things in the first place.

First let me just say, that the world can be improved without someon rising up as some super smart person so saying that it is for the good of everyone is not a proper excuse. Everyone has potential, not just an exceptional few.

So the reason for me is that I think I was just using this outlandish desire and view of myself(as I at least identified primarily as having the potential to be this amazing person, me instead of focusing on we) I think the desire arose as a reaction to feeling the opposite at a few points in my child hood. I mean I want to keep my self-confidence and optimism and belief in myself, I think it’s actually important to have that.

What I’ve let go of is the need to prove this potential to the detriment of my social interactions. See the more I focus on trying to be independently awesome, just to prove I can, to my self if no one else, the more I have to avoid the pro-social interactions and bonding that could be had by allowing people to help you and to work with them to accomplish bigger things.

The thing that may have initially started me realizing that I need to change this is…well one is I started jogging which really gives me a more natural sense of self-worth. Next is, and actually one of the reasons I started jogging in the first place, women. I want to have healthy relationships with the opposite sex. I mean I do already for the most part, it’s been trying. Social anxiety get’s in the way but jogging helps with it.

The realization that I can’t have sex by myself and so I will always need a partner for at least that, is a big part of what helped me see the contradiction in my goals. I wanted to prove I was awesome, so that I could feel more comfortable working with others, knowing I’m still valuable on my own.

The other part is that I realized working with others is where a lot of the meaning comes from for me, what a “career” is, and a big part of “living” is. So there was really no escaping the correction. If I wanted the ideal meaningful life, meaningful relationships, meaningful work, I would need other people, and that’s what I want.

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Focusing on “The Body” After dream interpretation (A few days late in posting)

Last night i had a dream that my mom was urging me to have my arms amputated and rewired to cybornetic arms. She was telling me I needed to do this because of the threat of some sort of bone disease thatthere was a chance i would eventually getlater on in life if I didn’t. I was really scared but actually considering it. I asked someone, a nurse? or iunno, because where was this happening, i thought it was at home, about if they use anesthetic and they said something about pain killers lol. I was thinking about doing it since i had all this meditation practice from before and thought I shouldnt’ have to be so scared.

I think I left without giving a definit answer, maybe I said later I’ll c or something. Then I think in the basement of my room, I took off my shirt and i had all this black stuff attached to my back, like a black thick mold covering it like tar. So I started scraping it off with m fingers. Next I walked into a good friend’s house and into the basement or somewhere and two other good friends where there and I think they were offended that I just showed up and walked into his house like that but I don’t think I even appologized.

Today I learned about rembrant’s painting of a philosopher and a woman making him tea and I feel like it’s something I would cry if I could lol. It felt like it was my mom and me in a way. Then later that good friend who’s house I was in, in the dream, irl texted me what’s new. and we get into a very intellectual discussion and I used this as an opportunity to see if maybe there was something there in terms of life and goals. Well by the end of the conversation, he was entertained by the debate as was I.

LaterI read this forum post and…

I think I need to try and make time for everything, or just a lot of things. That is what I’m getting from this entp blog I’m reading and I like the idea. He has like 16 things he does every day. Most of which are self-improvement oriented. It makes sense for a lot of reasons. For one, I don’t get too focused on one thing and deny myself improvements in other areas. I also leave enought time for all hobbies. I also low myself the chance to improve and feel success and the new experiences these successes lead to. It’s just the time management that might be hard. Also his thing is making it a lifetime adventure. So for lnaguage learnig for instance he will always be learning one a language I guess.

heh, actually he is an entj, but it got me thinking anyways and now I’m going to go for it. It’s like organizing my own development instead of relying soley on chance. Chance will happen anyways. However, I want to be able to have habits of purposeful development, that I can count on.

That could also have relevance to the dream I had. My mom telling me I should get robotic arms for my own good. Habits are kind of like being robotic, automated. So like, if I were part machine, I would be better. The next day were the teacher refered to the painting my rembrant, he said something about “The body”, but also that having to do with slaves and workers building up a nation. So following routines is kind of like being a slave to yourself. To what the future would be if you didn’t have those routines.

Also there is the fact that in the dream the robot hands also represented my anxieties for the 3 years of college and the year leading up, where I did become amazing at habits. I do feel like in some ways I have not been able to get back to that level as far as habits, and self-control. I think it would be cool, as long as I didn’t have to sacrifice too much. I just need a balance. For instance, what’s 25 minutes of not day dreaming per day. Not
a big deal, especially if it will net me other opportunies that lead to inspiration. What’s staying up late if the thoughts I think then are less useful and insightful. As long as I make daily habits that allow enough time to myself, I wont be sacrificing my time. Just getting the most out of it. If I have 5 hrs instead of 10, I’ll usually
fit 10 hrs of daydreaming into 5. However, If I have NO time, then I’ll feel it, unless I end up just daydreaming as I work…and this is another thing. If I can day dream and think while I work in many cases, then maybe I don’t need as much time to myself as I have though.
I just need to get used to thinking about two things at once or something. Like when I make music and I can still think about whatever else I want. So, if I became part robot, basically if I could have automatic processes of success, then it would be like achieving what the dream was urging me to. Not only that, but then I would be able to say to everyone else, that they need learn how to do these things as well. Become part robot. Do it, because it
is the only way to find peace? freedom? Yes, because is giving up a form of freedom? I don’t know. I think being able to work at anything indefinitly, and improving, and eventually enjoying it, is closer.

Basically be ok with doing things that are hard. If you have that, that mental strength,  if everyone had that mental strenght, AND they were willing to cooperate instead of compete, we would truly have a utopia. Forget about finding that ONE THING that yu truly love. Learn to love doing all the things you need to do to improve. Learn to make it a habit. Being able to work even when no rewards are forth coming but hoping they will come eventually.
That is freedom.

Then later I thought basically that since rembrant was also being thought to be representing the woman in teh paint to be the body of society and the philosopher to be the head, it would make sense that just as in the paining, and in the dream(in a twisted way I guess) I could focus more on my body. I’m sure my mom would respect that decision.

Well by the end of that night i had come down with a cold, but I had just picked up many vitamins ad healthy foods so I should be ok by tmr. Well hopefully. So this focus on the body(which I plan/ed to have as a goald of being as healthy as humanly possible) actually transitions nicely to my latest post where I talk about how I gain energy from beautiful ambience (music, room decor), and so yeah it fits in that way as well.

Seduction: What is “fun” really?

So I went for a jog a few days ago, ad I’m still riding on the increase in neurochemicals from that. It’s propelled me to just exude a positive vibe when this woman was being a bitch serving me lunch. I ended up with an free sandwich because I just explained to the other server why I misunderstood the format of ordering. I kept the positive vibe and I feel like it was a victory for everyone involved because any negative energy directed at me just bounced off and disappeared, while I gave off more good and confident) vibes.

So before I start I just want to say that things like jogging and meditation show us that our true happiness comes from within. Once we learn that, it shows up as a confidence because we become in control of our emotional state, for as long as well can keep up jogging or meditating etc. This also manifests in our reactions to other peoples negative energy. We don’t need them to make us feel good, and so they can’t make as feel bad. We are in control. We just exude a positive vibe that helps everyone else.

So, What is fun?

Since my creativity level has improved due to jogging and vitamin d etc I have a more clear idea of what fun is. An idea that instead of being hindered by fear, there is no fear, but instead there is only thrill.

For example, if you are going out to have a fun night, what is fun? Dancing? Like everyone else? Is that an adventure?

I feel like if I’m going to have fun I need to be pushing boundaries. I am in school and realized if I study something it needs to be on the cutting edge. This is because it’s what is fun for me. Therefore if I go out to a club what is fun wont being in for a nice conversation and dancing and a quick make-out etc and the whole boring old charade that everyone does. It’s not fun for me, and because of this, if I try to do it, girls will feel the lack of energy.
So if I think all that stuff is boring, then I guess the oneness is on me to come up with something that actually is fun. For the most part something like this in a social situation was kind of like a blind spot for me. I just assumed what everyone else does is all there is. That the things I generally do, are all that is fun for me. That my fun and their fun, were just not compatible. Now I see things differently.

I can have fun. In a club or bar venue. It’s just that it might have to be a version of truth or dare, with an emphasis on dare. It wont be everyone’s cup of tea, but the people who get it, will probably really get it. Basically, when I walk into a venue where everyone’s anuses are so tight that …not even light can escape it ….lol fuck I mean I can either leave, or I can just explore what I can get away with. Like, how efficient can I be at getting what I want out of this chaotic social scene “excuse me, yea hi, can I get a kiss?” next girl “excuse me, yeah hi, can I get a kiss?”  “can I smell your hair? I want to know what it smells like. I have a guess but I want to actually find out now!” “Can I get a quick make-out”(naw that’s sloppy seconds) I mean, if everyone wants to have fun, I feel like this is fun. I guess not all girls will agree, but…I agree…sooo…there’s that. Fuck, now I actually want to go to a club. “hey everyone, I wanna introduce myself and gauge how cool everyone is here so HI”

I mean if you want to talk self amused, in a club or bar scene, that is self amused for me. Not pulling a girl outside for a deep conversation, not trying to be Jim Carry in the mask on the dance floor. Not making a fool out of myself for anyone else’s amusement either. No, what I want to see is how much I can do of what I want to do. How many boundaries can I cross (within reason of course), and reach new uncharted territory.

I mean sure it’s cool to find people I can connect with on deeper subjects. Connection is healthy and powerful. However, it seems “fun” for me is more about exploration, than finding all the things we have in common. Exploration of just, the world, of who people are, of what life can be, etc. The thing is, doing this seems to be aided strongly by a level of optimism inside to make it ok to dare.

Wow, for so lon I have kept myself in this kind of box of what fun was. Real fun has come out once or twice, like when I was drunk and just wanted to try something. However, in daily life, I have become more subdued. However, increasing my metabolism to that of a teenager through exercise, seems to correspond to increasing my interest in “risky behavior”, which if done in a controlled fashion is probably what a lot of people are itching for but don’t know it. (Controlled, meaning hopefully the itching should not be from a brand new std)

The Fertile Male Part 2: The Contrast between Fertile sexuality and Porn Sexuality

These are the differences between being really horny after a week of no porn & no masturbation:

Fertile Sexuality: Enjoying the feeling of being horny
Porn Sexuality: Searching for something better, disappointment, wishing you could get that type in real life

Fertile Sexuality: Women are partners to share your sexuality with.
Porn Sexuality: Women become objects to to aquired/won/etc.

Fertile Sexuality: IRL more open about who you find attractive with other
men or people in general.
Porn Sexuality: Threatened by other men IRL, by their sexuality,
by girls who might chose them instead, or just competition.

Fertile Sexuality: Abundance of sperm therefore more confident in self
Porn Sexuality:  It’s like, you have minimal sperm therefore you must
make it count? Iunno, or like you are not valuable?

Fertile Sexuality: You get into that sexual state and you notice the innate
sexuality of other women and you see sex as something good. You see it
as mutually beneficial.

Porn Sexuality: You see women as fragile and something you need to be
committed to. You see sex as something you are taking from them and
have little to offer in return. It is a big responsibility and a risk
of everything from embarrassment to iunno, psychological damage
to her and or yourself.

Note, these are based on how I feel and I am a pretty sensitive person and
keep the well being of others in mind. someone less sensitive, less empathetic,
less focused on the well being of others maybe just accept the porn
sexuality and still have sex but it just be a damaging version of sexuality.

So here are more ideas for becoming more in-tune with ones own sexuality:

Make sure to state that sexual pleasure but focused on yourself as a sexual being, not fantasizing, is important. Fantasizing or watching porn(the worse version of this) directs energy towards something that is not returning that energy to you. Also it’s a totally different method of pleasure, visual stimuli versus feeling sexual energy.

Visual on it’s own, without a real person behind it, is more of a drain. It’s looking at something with longing but not really having it. Feeling your own sexual energy, means not being in that state of NEED, but instead filling up from the inside. Just like with other forms of happiness, you can find shit you like, or just shit other people would like you to like.

Filling up on your own energy allows you to have and feel like you have, something to offer sexually, which you do as you become more fertile. You worship your own fertility and then you attract someone who compliments you. Naturally people with more rational mindsets or lower sex drives or sensitive dopamine systems etc not sure which, may gravitate towards holding in orgasms to prolonge pressure. This is a natural use of delayed gratification. I think possibly more natural that ejaculating at least for me, as I only masterbated to orgasm after reading it was possible from a book. lol.

Anyways, higher sex drive males may just jerk off more, and with less prolonging, so I guess that is how things even out as far as attraction goes. When you allow yourself to feel the sexual pleasure and energy that is yours you being more connected to you sexuality. It’s just like with inspiration based activities versus doing it for some external gain or just because you love it.
So sex based on the way someone else looks is like working for money where as sex based on how it feels, the raw sexual energy, is working out of inspiration.

I mean sure if the money and the gratitude of others comes then that’s even better. However, if you are ONLY doing it for that reason, then it’s not the same. Same with sex. If you get that attractive girl and she has amazing orgasms then that is icing on the cake, but you should appreciate your sexual energy even without that other stuff. Sexual energy is a gift. It’s opportunity, and abundance. So it is worth cultivating for it’s own sake because, well because it feels good.

Also, to say you are not horny all the time and so have a low sex drive and that’s just who you are is maybe to a full argument. I kind of feel like, if you wish you had a higher sex drive, and enjoy it when you do, then you have a high sex drive, and should find ways to bring the energy up to what you would rather it be.

That’s kind of like my argument for using maca or anything else for the purpose of increases sex drive.
Here is another argument as well though. The fact that usually like for something like maca, the sex drive comes with a general feeling of well being. So if someone where to say, “if you aren’t horny don’t force it or you aren’t being authentic” well I would say, being horny if it’s just a part of well-being, should be forced lol.

I feel like authentic is whatever is done out of love and is not subject to biological innateness. What I mean is, just because you were born feeling a certain way doesn’t mean you should accept and remain feeling that way in the face of ways of feeling
that you would rather have.

If I use maca I will just consider myself ahead of the curve.
Why bother sticking to what is natural, in fear that you will lose
the sense of who you really are. Why no focus on trying to be a better
version of yourself no matter how you have to do that.

I guess there is also that feeling of impermanence, but what does that
matter. the knowledge of the thing that can improve you, and the decision
to keep using it, these things are permanent.

Sustainable Life: Self Love + Connecting with others = Freedom

So my response to the situation of property leading to a loss of freedom.
We wouldn’t be satisfied if we were each given a planet to roam on our own so more property
is not the answer. The problem was that the natural state of man was one of scarcity were we had to do whatever we could to make sure enough of us survived. That included competing against neighboring tribes and even more, it meant parents pitting the young against each other and placing value judgements(inequality) which became a disease that persisted far beyond the end of scarcity. This disease that remains now is the disease of human connection. It is the reason we still choose property over each other. It is because there was a time when that might have been necessary to retain human life. Human life I guess is paramount over human connection as without life there can be no connection. What we have left is a residual inflammation.
We need to heal that so we can move on, and it’s gonna be fun!

One source of residual inflammation is the compulsion to be loved by someone else. The signal of not being loved stems from a time when there was scarcity and a parent could only love a child who would help the family survive.
If you can stop needing people’s love in the main ways we compulsively do:

Individualization: Praise, admiration, recognition etc
Biological: Sex, sexual appreciation, etc
Philosophical: Bad ideology about your own worth etc, especially based on other peoples selfish views.

To the point where you stop seeking out people for these reasons and stop even striving for goals for this purpose,

And

If you can focus on things that make you feel love for it’s own sake

Biological: Exercise, sleep, diet
Individualization: This you are just inspired to do
Philosophical: Realizing the only person worth trying to please is yourself, and how liberating it is to not depend on other peoples love for your own happiness.

Then you reach that point of self love and a new form of freedom.

This is freedom is the freedom to connect with another human being and share with them and experience with them and learn from them.

Social guide lines:

You can make yourself happy so you don’t need anyone else to see any value in you beyond your ability to share experiences with them and connect with them. That should be the only prerequisite to being a “friend”. Being able to connect. An

Ask them about themselves. What do they like, what are they doing, etc.
If you already get love from within you don’t need to make any conversation about yourself. You find in them the things you can relate to(might be hard to find in some and may require specific situations where a common interest/need comes to light). So you are not seeking love from them, you are also not necessarily seeking to love them. You are seeking the overlap between you two so you can connect and share based on that. You find the overlap, and you … overlap them, creating a stronger version of that thing. Like how you laugh louder in a theater with other people. Or how two heads are better than one.

This is the new freedom we have. It is the freedom to connect with others and share.

About Increasing Mood as a Science, as a purpose

I was on the subway home this evening and I was in a really good mood. It was probably a combination of cutting out wheat, and working out hard, and lot’s bananas.

Anyways I was feeling this energy. This kind of like potential, or inspiration. It was like a wave that swept over me. I had music on and it was like it went with the music. It was like, “You are awesome, or you cab be awesome” or maybe it is more accurate to say the energy was simple, “about awesome”.

It made me think about doing things. Awesome things. Things other people would think are awesome.

However, this is not what I am interested in anymore. I realize that by depending on how others view me, I leave myself weak and vulnerable to their desires over my own.

So now I focus on making myself happy. It seems weird to think about. It’s hard to impress yourself. To entertain yourself. It’s definitly not the same as having other people love you and be impressed by you.
What it is though, is just working to put yourself in the best mood you can, and then enjoying it or working with it to make it even better.

I realized that what I was feeling on the subway didn’t have to be put towards something. It already was something. That sense of awesomeness, wasn’t something I needed to achieve in that other people would recognize it. In instead, it was something I already had and was experiencing, just by being in optimal or near optimal health. Iunno, it does lead to an inspiration to do something and I guess doing things to help others is good. Just that it needs to be based on my desire to help them, not on my desire to be loved.

You can get happiness through other people’s love, but you don’t have to. You can also get a more dependable happiness, by increasing your health to the point that the endorphines and feel good hormons flow all the time and you just feel awesome.

In light of the realization of how happy I can feel when no worrying about how others feel about me, and how that often makes them like me more, I have stopped focusing on women as much. In doing this I have realized that I wasn’t having trouble projecting the sexual state because I was unhealthy(at least that’s not the only reason). The other reason is that it’s just not authentic. When I’m in a good mood, I have a lot of thoughts and I don’t just stand there being sexual. I have too many other dimentions to exist in.

I can make eey contact, but it wont be just sexual and calm, it will be excited and erratic and wondering, ect, and maybe sometimes sexual. Only if I feel like it though. Only if after all the things I enjoy in life, the sexuality of the moment somehow overpowers me. I don’t need to be overflowing with sexuality and women, to be a man. I don’t even need to be a man lol. I just need to let my awesomeness show.

I felt at somepoints today like I was totally outside of the suffering most people face these days. I felt above it. Like I was looking down. No I didn’t have women swarming me. Instead, it seemed like what those women would be after, was beneath me as well. At least in the moment. Like I didn’t want what most of them wanted, and I felt my perspective, was more right. It is, for me, and it is important therefore that I feel that it is. Unlike before were it seemed my wants could be disqualified as not masculine.

The idea of being satisfying for women sexually is actually a huge source of suffering and confusion for a lot of men, and some women. It’s the idea that a woman’s sexual appreciation is a measure of ones worth and that the more sexually attractive the woman, the more important her appreciation becomes.

In this state though, I find I can chose to just go beyond all that. I mean, it is obviously only valid in the same way peoples appreciation is valid in general. It is valid if you are not happy otherwise. We might just be hardwired to see women’s sexual appreciation as a form of love and social security. However, being health on our own allows us to move beyond all that. Hopefully to everyone’s benifit.

I felt like I was beyond a lot of that stuff and looking down at it from a place, maybe too high to help in a way. Like it felt disfunctional in a way. This actually is how I felt at one point in elementary school. Like I didn’t have the capacity to give emotionally what other people needed, but for the most part things weren’t getting to me. So I was like a self-sufficient outside. An alien. Also because I could give what most people seemed to need, it seemed like I must be a worhtless alien, at least in there eyes, which mattered to me at the time.

Now, two things.
1) is that I realize what my value would be, and it would be based on ideas, not emotions.
2) I don’t really desire people’s selfish judgements of my worth. (maybe because I know what I have to offer, and or I really just don’t care because I’m happy).

I feel like increasing mood in this way as I have been doing, which has been arduos, could be a science on it’s own. Especially in how individual it’s processes are.
Also I feel like with how my mood makes me feel, that feeling good and better, seems like an actual purposeful venture. It feels that good, and also it makes sense that the sercret to life extension could be found in how our moods react to certain inputs.

Also, I might not care much about money, but I do care about living right. It could be that people will notice how I shine in this way. Possibly I could become a role model in this area. The area of self love. If you have red this far, maybe you think I live myself too much lol. Iunno. It feels good.

New Youtube Idea: Exanding on the theories of past thought leaders, feeling more human

ok, I put together that I am most interesting in intriguing things and discovering or creating things I didn’t think were possible, using my strengths of logic, making connections etc. I added to that, my observation that there are people on youtube
like thegametheorist who seem to be a lot like me and had success with it, especially that he noted other people helped just added on to his awesome “vision” and how he had many interests but somehow ended up unemployable. Just generally he sounds hugely like an ENTP although I guess he could have been ENFP or something.

The way he researches to make connections and his videos as basically essays is something I find very fun and rewarding if I can just get the motivation to do it. I guess in that way it’s like with MTG where you research and discover connections and put them together to create something awesome based on the assumed vision of being able to do that. The difference is MTG is easy. Flipping through a binder of cards to find combos is easy. Researching what philosophers have said and background on them etc to right essays on them is not easy. It’s hard. Rewarding, but hard. It could be that the difference for me between a worth while goal and a leisure activity is the worth while one will be something where passion and strengths collide, but also that is hard enough that it wouldn’t just be for fun. I mean, I think I’m goal oriented enough that I can handle something that is hard and rewarding.

Also I’ll add that just like him, I’m not on youtube looking for fame. He was just trying to advertise himself to employers, showcasing what he could do. I’m looking for connection with other people, trying to attract people who will be able to relate to my interest. Also just to do something that feels fulfilling. That feels like the type of work that I’m meant for. I don’t expect it to be the masses, but as long as I make some good relationships out of it, and feel like I am appreciated I feel like that would make it worth it.

I feel like if I do something on youtube, maybe it should be something like game theorist.
Another thing about the game theorist is that he went all out with his videos. Maybe because he was trying to show employers what he could do, iunno. I feel like if I really visualize how important going all out is, at least working up to going all out, that is where I will start drawing attention.

My only issue is what topic should I cover.

I could do philosophy, just like I’m already studying it in school so studying it on
my own and making videos about it in a very professional way could be cool. However, I would need to put my own twist on it. My own perspective. At the very least I’d need to be someone who sees the more than what is there, so that I can have something of value to add. I think I can do that. So far my philosophy class this year and the near-philosophy
class last year, have been the classes where I have been most able to do this.

I guess if I am to go anywhere on youtube, I should probably focus on creating new theories based on what is already there. Meaning theories expanding the works of other important theorists. Doing this will most likely draw more attention to me than simply trying to convince people to watch me, someone they don’t know. Not only that, but I get ideas very quickly when I have something to react to so it would actually be better just overall for me to be expanding on something instead of just trying to create something from scratch. The research should be on things I have a fascination with so I enjoy it. Carl Jung, etc are good areas to work in. So I can read up on those ideas, and then hopefully expand on them, and do so in such a way that is enjoyable to whatever audience.

I avoided reading much classic philosophy for along time because the last thing I wanted was to be taught how to think instead of developing my own way and confidence in it. I always believed in myself in that I would have something to offer with my philosophical thought and I feel like I now have something of my own style. So now, well I’m reading classical philosophy in school and reading very critically I might add. I will talk about this therefore, but also soon ant to read more interesting guys like Jung.

I wonder if this is better than trying to write fiction. I think it will be since
I will be discussing possibilities anyways and so it could end up dealing with things
that are fictional, at least for the moment.

I feel like just focusing on mbti and carl jung ect would be enough. Just whatever seems most relevant to me. I don’t have to take a huge area to work on because really everything is expanding and so people will have to start carving out smaller more targeted niches. Either that, or pick a big niche, and hope other people want to help me expand it more than I would do on my own. Iunno, for now I’ll just focus on doing what I can do well.

Also it’s like this. Even if there were a bunch of entps discussing the same topic of mbti or even the same topic of a video game, I have a feeling different individuals would have different things to add on the topic. So it’s not even like this one guy can cover all of videogame theories. Well I guess it help that many people have joined in. Still though, the field of possibilities which we indulge in is infinite. There is always room for more, either adding on, or arguing, etc.

Also, I will be focusing though on things that are important to me, and they will be important for me to share because it will be that it is not yet common knowledge and the fact that is not, is to our detriment. So until it is common knowledge, I’ll definitely have a place to speak about those things.

Or should I focus on fun? I guess it’s fun, but still a goal and requires work and habits. Would I want it any other way? Hard work pays off.

This actually has me pretty excited now because it seems things are coming together even more. I can put posters on my room, play cool music, and talk about meaningful things, and maybe crack a joke here and there as I go along. Basically through this understanding of what area I’d be best at on youtube, through studying guys like the game theorist and all that he said about his life, I realize more fully the area of my greatest potential. So now I can truly put something of MYSELF out there on youtube. Something people can connect with in the way I also connect with other youtubers. Through that I feel I will
feel more connected, and more human. Aristotle says that you are only human if you are a functioning part of your society. This makes sense in that humans are social functioning creatures. So it seems to have a lot to do with self-actualization, the feeling of being human.

It’s interesting to see that some people lucked out in that from an early age they always had a position in a society. Whether it was on the playground, or at the prom, or student council etc. However, some people take longer to find their place among society. I feel the internet is good in this in that it enables those naturally inclined towards intellectual pursuits, the chance to contribute in those areas.

Unintentially being bad for others, and best muses

Today I woke up and I already felt weird.

So let’s go over what it could be.

I didn’t do cardio for at least a week now, maybe
more like 10 days, so maybe I was high on the effects of it but it
is now wearing off.

Also it rained all night and today is coudy, that’s a big possible
culprit cause it seem the more days sunny
in a row the better my mood seems to get.

The night before I got 4hrs of alchohol sleep and then
went the whole of yesterday powered by dark chocolate basically.

I found even with that I still had trouble getting to sleep which again
points towards not enouhg jogging.

So what heppened today was I tried my best to just be myself, and
actually my mood wasn’t that bad and still relativly stable.

I eyed this girl as I got on the bus and she seemed interested.

This old guy beside me kept kinda looking in my direction, and
I think in her direction. Like he was trying to size me up.

Eventually I decided I would ask her about her self but decided
not to sit beside her but to lean over the ilse and ask her so
that everyone could here(like an idiot with no social intellegence
putting her in a trap of either seeming rude or saying more than
she wanted to say to everyone)

So I ask her if she’s going to school and she says no
I ask her if she is going to work and first she seems like
she wasn’t even going to answer and as I leaned back she suddenly
looks at me and says, “what’s it to you?”
and as at the time I was more worried about showing lack
of confidence to everyone and to myself, I held her eye contact
and smiled and said “just curious” and I think she just nodded or something
and then looked for something in her purse to read ect, just really
unnerved.

I realized a few minutes later as I got off hte bus that she wasn’t
only rejecting me, she was defending herself from me.

I felt that what I was doing was harmless but as I didn’t think things
through what I ended up doing borderd on harasment.

Now, no one had to tell me this, I realized it on my own, so I don’t
want to turn this into a shaming experience or like, I shouldn’t
be trying to talk to strangers ect. I want to learn the lesson so I
can do better in the future and be more of a positive to make up for
the negative.

No regrets. She’ll live and probably forget about this whole thing
soon and I’ve learned a lesson that will apply to my life in ways that
hopefully will right even more wrongs than just this and make the world
a better place.

So why did I miss so much of the situation like that.
I guess part of it could be just not being able to read other
peoples minds to know what they are comfortable with but also
I don’t think I was thinking clearly today.

I decided to talk to her mostly to prove to myself that I could still
do so, not because I liked her. I think that inauthenticity becomes
a problem cause it means I’m not thinking at all about her as a person.

So even if I had less anxiety than usually, I was still not in the right
frame of mind.

I thought I could just exude a good atitude like at the club but it
didn’t work that easily, not just because it wasn’t a club, but because
it was a very delicate social situation because it was strangers who
didn’t have any meeting of the minds on why they were there, and surrounded
by other strangers who could easily be shitty people who just pass judgements
ect.

Alright, well the main thing I’ve learned is that I shouldn’t try to
force conversation just to be daring and prove to myself that I
don’t care, becuse doing so is not only inauthentic but the result of
this is that I will be also pulling other people into that sort of
ego challenge and they might not want to be a part of it but even if they decline
it’s like they automatically lose the dare they didn’t even agree to
because I’ve created an environment where everyones egos are placed on
the line regardless of whether they like it or not.

The only way out is to have a higher vibration where you can just
call out the person but with a good energy, and not everyone will have
that and even people who do have it don’t have it all the time. I know
this because there have been times where I wasn’t in the mood to talk
and someone would just initiate a convo with me and I didn’t have the energy
to just gracefully decline because as I said I wasn’t in the mood.

It’s almost like kicking someone when they are down. It’s like it becomes
very easy to kick someone when they are down, so easy that you can do it by
accident just while walkig past.

As for everyone else, they are part of it especially if they just listen in
to the conversation, which is something I imagine they would be more inclind
to do if they had ego problems as well.

So by daring myself to prove to them that I’m not scared of their egos
but not being sensitive to others, I end up inviting them to the roast of
the person I decide to talk to.

Also this can even work when it comes to going out to a bar. Sure I can
just be the life of the party, but do I really want that or would it just be
to prove to myself that I can, and then when I am with friends am I just
leaving them wishing they were doing more, and therefore kind of challenging
them unnessesarily. According to what my friend told me sat night, he did
feel a bit like that and so I know it’s not just coincidence.

If I ever see that girl again I will appologize and let her read this whole thing.

Otherwise I’m not going to punish myself, that will just make things
worse, instead I feel I’ve learned a hard lesson, at the expense of someone
else, and I hope I never have to have things go that far again.
Although I feel bad, at least I feel bad for the right reason. I feel bad
because I may have actually hurt someone, not because I just wasn’t good
enough.

I feel like the next time I go out to a club, I should be trying to enertain
my friends, not an audience.

Infact, I’m thinking maybe just in life in general, friends, make a better
muse than strangers and I should focus my energy on that.

Extroverted Enneagram Type 5, Let people approach me instead

Kind of a paradox to be an extrovert who is one of the most introverted enneagram types but I feel that is my situation. This gives me even more ideas as to how best to interact with others, and way doing so in other ways doesn’t work out.

It’s almost like there is a sort of order in natural social interactions for me where when people approach me, things work out fairly well where as if I approach them things don’t work out as well and don’t feel as natural. This could be a natural thing type 5s or born with, or it could be nuture like I get approached often and get used to it, but I don’t it’s the later for some reason.

Although I am an extrovert, being type five means I’m sensitive to reactions of others. I don’t mean sensitive like getting emotional, I mean sensitive like I’m kind of a perfectionist when it comes to social interactions. Anyways, I feel this may have been what caused me social anxiety in the past, and is now what makes me feel someone inadequate when it comes to initiating conversations. However, it’s not that I don’t know how to be social, it’s more like if it wont go perfectly or very well it will be a downer to my energy levels. However, is someone else initiates it and I am reacting to them, maybe it’s like I feel like I can’t put my best foot forward in an interaction because my best foot will depend partly on what the other person wants to get out of the interaction. The same way I don’t feel comfortable telling people what to do, I don’t feel authentic just pushing myself on people. I’d rather they decide for themselves if I am someone they want to talk to.

It’s not only for my sake, I also acknowledge the possibility that an interaction with me could end up being bad for them. Not like I’m a bad person or anything but just that we might not be right for each other and end up doing more harm than good by being being introduced to each others lives. I trust myself to be able to overcome any negatives, but I don’t trust them I guess, and don’t want to hurt others unintentionally. I guess since I’ve done a lot of obvserving I can see more variables than most people and to me people seem extremely fragile.

So all that plus the general demotivation that comes from poor reception, makes me feel
more comfortable letting people come to me. Also I am very good with answering questions about topics I am comfortable speaking about. Even just trying to be funny, I can be funny but I realized I don’t feel comforable being funny for the sake of gaining friends. That does’t feel right at all. I am funny WITH friends, or for my own enjoyment or just if something comes to me, but trying to be funny isn’t me being more social, it’s me being inauthentic.

The only problem is being an extrovert means losing energy when not around people. What I’ve been doing here so far is trying to do my studying and stuff at the library or somewhere public, (and with podasts?/). Also I try to find game events and things where I am interacting with others on working towards a goal. Plus there is school with classes where I can get involved by asking questions. Then there is work, and also the gym. All this being around people gives people chances to see who I am and decide if they want to talk to me for themselves. I think the reason I get energy even from just being around people, is that somewhere in me I know that is social and it’s enough that the right relationships will come out of it.

I feel(noticed) that for all my approaching of other people this past year I’ve still made more friends from being approached than the other way around and most of the girls that seemed to like me, seemed to like me before meeting me.

People seem to think that the man should do the approaching and they make it into a sort of hierarchy thing, like dominance and submission. However, that stuff is not a concrete human thing, it’s a phenomenon that exists in interactions between certain types, of which I think I am not. For me it seems to make far more sense to let people approach me, and it also can be seen as dominance(if that is the masculine thing iunno) as I am being sought after, instead of me being the one chasing.

I can extend this even to careers. I like this blog and I like my youtube channel and things of this nature for there own sake, I’ll just say that. For careers though, it seems there are two ways to go about it. One is to go out looking for a job, and approaching employers and selling myself. The second is for employers search for me. Either because they heard of me and want my help, or because they are looking for someone with my skills and stumble across me. Although it’s safe to say that said employer must be looking for something specific for them to come across me with any reasonable probability, I also think it safe to say that a type 5 would have a a unique skill set.

Also I feel this is might be way I don’t enjoy making videos of me talking on youtube, but rather just do music. Videos don’t seem appropriate because all I want to do is express my thoughts, and mainly to myself first, and second to anyone else stumbles on them. This is done far better through writing for me, than youtube so I see no reason to use youtube. It would be like advertising mostly, and I don’t feel that is authentic for me to self advertise as if I know what other people need or even just what is worth highlighting about myself in video format. Right now I’d much rather that be based on someone elses needs. Iunno though, we’ll see.

After meeting up with friends: ENTP: Relationships > Industry & Self-Empowered = Take responsibility you social life

Or maybe philosophy is what has been saving me this whole time, and I should give it more
of a focus. It seems to me that even if I was rich, if I didn’t have the type of
relationships I wanted, I wouldn’t be happy. There is just no substitute. On the other hand
if I was poor but had amazing friends, including a hot gf, I would be very happy. I mean
I would still probably want to focus on self-improvement but it’s no subsitute for
relationships for me. I think what has been happening often is some of those relationships
will go sour and I will rationalize it as I am depending on those people and they are
not depending on me so I am the loser if things go bad, and if I need them then I must
defer to them and they will make more money than me and they will get the girls that
I want, and I should just be happy that they are doing me the favour of being my friend.

heh, maybe one to many istjs or something, Iunno. See I feel like my most authentic
self is not bringing something to “the market” but bringing something to society as a whole,
which they wont even look at unless they know me and have the connections. It makes it
seem like I don’t have any power. If I was good at something that was needed in the market
already, something people pay for already, then I would make money. However, if my
true interests don’t fall in market areas I wouldn’t be bein authentic. Therefore I would
not be free, even if I was making money. I wouldn’t be free until I was doing what I
really wanted, and maybe not even until I was being paid for it, showing that people really
do appreciate what I have to offer. If it’s just volunteer for something I feel is deserving
of payment I will probably feel undervalued.

So it seems th most authentic thing for me is to get involved with other people. Basically
althought I like my independance, it seems the way I want to express it is by being
apart of something. Now, does that make me inherently disempowered? I feel that depends
on a few things. One is my attitude towards meeting new people and in what I become
involved in. I can see it from a point of desperation where I NEED to fit in with
these people no matter what, to feel good. This way I give all my power away to them and
if they don’t respect me I’ll just take it. That is bad. The other way is to say, my goal
is to make relationships that are mutualy benificial and where we both want to help each
other because we both like each other, and I wont except anything less, so if I can’t
have that with you, I will move on to find someone for whom I can. This way it is
way healthier, not desperate, and it means two people becoming friends through the
non-desparate intrestin in enjoying life and making good things(including money) happen,
but not willing to settle for relationships that don’t include a mutual respect and
benifit.

If my enjoyment in life comes from being involved in projects with people
that only really becomes disempowering if the people I want to be involved with, don’t
want to be involved with me. This way it becomes like it was throughout elemenary and junior
high school. If I decide that I am looking to do cool things with people that respect me,
and who I respect, and only that, then there is no way it will be disempowering. It’s
all or nothing. I either get the good relationships, and the money, and the fun, or I
just keep searching. That is my job. I’m not a begger, I’m not a scavenger, I’m just
someone who knows what makes them happy, and I am happy even just knowing I am going
for it, instead of something I’m not happy going for.

See if life for me were mainly about being a super hero cyborg, then ofcourse I would be
focusing on that. However, I feel people are more important to me than that, which
is what makes it so inauthentic to try to be that person who goes for that. It’s like
I’m wishing I was that person who only wanted to be super powerful, BECAUSE I think it’s
not ok to want friends, but because in reality I do want friends, I am unable to enjoy
working towards that vision.

To be authentic would be to decide to focus on making new friends, and working with cool
people. To be empowered, is to accept that it may not work out, but also to accept that
you wont stand for anything less than the love and respect you want from people and people
you love and respect, and goals you love and respect. It’s All or nothing. No settling.

I’ll just restate he importance of my value, in my area of passion, actually being useful
enough that I feel fulfilled in my contribution and as well that others are actually
helped as much as I feel they are. and useful enough that people gladly pay. I think I
stated this already, but yeah, I think if it’s the most important thing to me, it will be
worthy of payment.

Now, I did after all, realize this perspective through, well for one it was through
meeting up with a friendI hadn’t seen in years, as well as other friends I would call
closest in a way. However it is also based on my desire to make a living. HOWEVER,
more importantly it is based on my desire to make a living, and work up to making a living,
in an enjoyable way, and for me, this means working with other people I like, towards
something that affects us all (or maybe even just affects them) in a way I like. This is why
I don’t play videogames by myself. I need to know I am entertaining someone or teaching
someone or inspiring someone, ect, otherwise I see no point in improving my skill level.

I mostly don’t stick to learning something unless I’m in school with other people I get to
interact with every day.

So anyways, if I want to be all or nothing , focusing on finding cool people to do things
I believe in with, that poses the questions, should I not change myself to become more
valuable to others so they are more willing to work with me? I think no so far. For one,
because would I want to hang out with someone if I have to meet some criteria that is not
myself before hand? I mean, it’s not like I’m not interested in anything, I am still a
person. I just feel like I am not as interested in STEM and more interested in Social
Sciences and fun and intellectually stimulating fun at that. So I should find people
who r like me, and we can build each other up. If I was the only one like me, then I
guess I would not have these ideals to work towards in the first place so that is my basis
for dismissing even further, the idea that I am becoming less independant. I am no less
independant, I am just, as an independant, deciding to meet other people who I connect with
an building a bright future with them.

Then there is the question, well what if there are four of us and we come together to
do something cool? Then what? If it’s not marketable, do we get to eat?
Well here is to hoping that getting enough of us together to create something
will mean creating something amazing and if not marketable(because I’m not really interested
in the market) Will change the world somehow, not to mention some of the people I connect
with, may be already in many different areas in society, pursuiing their passions as well
and already stable, and connecting with me would just mean me adding even more to them
and their areas.

What all this means is… some people might be able to do cool things on
their own, and not need to work with anyone else to get a good job ect. Then there is me
and if I had to survive I guess I would do anything, but while that isn’t the concern I
feel like I am hard pressed to pretend it is when I think I can do even better, if only I
could find people willing to work with me. So who is willing?

From now on, maybe I will seek out people who will actually feel excitement in working with
me. Not people who might hire me. I have to do better, for a career, and for life. I will make
myself visible to the people who would respect me. Who support me because they believe in my
interests and goals and ideas.

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