Si and imaginative memory

I checked out some deviant art pics, and saw some really cool fractal art and I tried imagining I was in the picture and realized, like when I was a kid, I can still do this to some degree. The result is an actual feeling, a feeling of being present physically, in that space.

I thought about how fractals could be more Ne depending on how novel the specific fractal was, but maybe the feelings of color, space, structure etc could be Si?

Well, I definitely want to pay more attention to both my imagination, and the imaginations of others. So the periods of relief from boredom maybe should have lot’s of music and art as their focus. (if I do a hermetic process of periods of boredom and then fun)

Being able to go into a picture like that, and enjoy it so deeply. It makes me wonder if maybe that is what people should be learning how to do more of, instead of trying to create the physical products. I just wonder, what would the results be, of focused imagining.

Another thing is that power of psychadelics as I hear it described seems to remind of of things that improve Si. Hallucinations, emotional centering, reduced depression that last well after the drug is taken, for example.

Also in terms of building an ISTJ like memory power, if even possible, being able to put oneself into the scene of a mnemonic story or image, meaning see the scene as if you are there, is probably the thing needed.

This allows a few things I can think of.

1. It means you get to immerse in something that is (hopefully) exciting and intriguing so that you are gaining experiences that you could not have without this imagining. Ne

2. Since you are sensing the scene, from inside your mind, I guess this means you are using Si? So is this kind of like a Ne-Si connection. Also is it like a substitute for dreaming.

Aesthetic Appreciation and Sex Drive

First I’m gonna through some links at ya…:

This is where some guys describe how they are more sensitive to music after ejaculation:

This is an article about how artists have more sexual partners and that the number of partners is positively correlated to how seriously they pursue their artistic direction:

Here is another about musical appreciation after ejaculation:

Now, what I want to discuss may not be so clear from these links because it is related to something I’ve realized while doing this NoFap thing. It is that when I am masturbating normally, I am more musical, or so it seems. I started creating music again with a vengeance after I started masturbating again after a 2 year celibacy/nofap period. During the no fap period I don’t recall creating any music. As well, now that I have started another round of nofap I find myself becoming less interested in making music…but that could just be coincidental and it’s probably too soon to say.

However, what I think could be said, is that while on nofap I become more fashion conscious. Beyond that I feel I become more aware of visual aesthetics in general, at lease when it comes to women, but I think just generally.

Let me throw this philosophical link at ya, which talks about nietzshe describes a subconscious will made up of sex drive and artistic desire which he believes has the power to transform a person, society, world,etc:

I wonder about this. How important aesthetics are. I know I value beauty highly. The thing is, there seems to be this attitude among lot’s of people that beauty is just a luxury. However, I believe it is far more than that. Not just because of passion, or psychosomatic effects, but for abstract, algorithmic secrets that beauty holds which even if we only sense in what seems to be a primitive appreciation, is actually a path we can follow to new ways of being.

Now for some reflection:

For a long time I have thought, if I’m going to dress really cool, like a video game character level of cool, then shouldn’t I also be doing video game level stuff, like action packed saving the world type stuff? Otherwise it’s like all bark and no bite. Flashy but ineffective. Etc.

Now though what I realize is that to create beauty, you have to have power already, which everyone does, it’s personal power we all have. We have power, to express our beauty. So Beauty implies power. However, power does not imply beauty, at least in the terms people think of power to be, such as nuclear arms, money, etc. Although if we later realize that beauty is the true source of happiness, even in some abstract way, then we can maybe say the nuclear arms and money are actually not power at all if they are used by someone who doesn’t want to create and express beauty, because they are dis-empowered in not wanting to do so.

Anyways, what I think now, is that we need to be our own type of hero, not the type people make action films about, unless that need actually arises in your life. The type of hero I feel is needed in mine is the type that is authentic in their appreciation of beauty, and works to build that through their lifestyle, and grow in powers of expressing that into their world to the benefit of them and everyone else who can appreciate it.

The Drive for Authenticity, for Being Human

So to summarize the last little bit there:

For the longest time I have been in search of a life full of meaning.
I thought it should be like an action packed movie or game.
As I grew older the urgency grew as I started to feel less and less human,
living in the same house of my providers, not being able to
provide for myself even, let alone do something meaningful.

Tonight I felt the cold winter wind on my face and hands, and I
retreated into the warmth of my parents house, only to realize I was
running away from the possibility of being truly authentic, which I would
be if I had no home to turn to, and had to fight for my survival, for any
shred of warmth, even against society.

I listened to the opening song of a show and realized not all music I love
urges me to live out the fantasies of some other person’s story.
So I realized there was an origional part of me, that music could go with.

I realized part of me would rather freeze to death than live in
an inauthentic and dependant way, but that going back out into the night
then, would be a waste, a step in the wrong direction. However, so would
moving towards a job in a feild that would just be making a living.

So I realized I would rather continue with school, and more philosophy
especially, and possibly end up in the cold at a later point, after having
tried to make a difference to the best of my abilities. If that happened, I
would accept it, and do my best, and it would be me, and I would be proud,
and turn my nose up at anyone or anything that didn’t see why I’ve won.

Rather that, than spend any amount of time trying to secure a job I don’t
believe I should be doing, to be supported by a society in which I would
not be living authentically.

So, I have a very strong need now, to make something of this path that I
have chosen. I need it, as if I were still outside trying to get in.

Aesthetics and Evolution

Well I spent most of today again thinking about what I might want
to do. Like, what I might want to strive towards in life, beyond
the basic ideas like helping others, improving, etc.

I did some research on the development of Fe which led me to
people saying it was about thinking more about others and wanting
to help them more, or something?

I thought maybe this could mean like, career goals would change
depending on hwo developed Fe was, which mine is developed strongly.

Btw, I might have been a tech nerd had it not been for parents gettng
a computer late (lack of funds lol) and schools not understanding me,
plus the way math is taught, yuck lol.

Although as I think about it, I was always more drawn to arts.

I also thought more about me, an my own evolution, and
how best to go about getting there.

I watched some teal swan stuff and in comments I checked out some of
the users and they often had liked some of the same vids as me.
One was a song by freddy and graffix called major happy. As I listened
to it I remembered how much I like landscapes.

I remembered ATB – The feilds of love, which has a music video with
even more of that beautiful landscape, and a few years ago I had a
fantasy about building an aircraft and flying away towards such

I realized beauty is still a huge passion of mine.
I remembered my first girlfriend and how that relationship was
based on our shared passion for all sorts of beauty. We were in
high school and some of wat we were studying back then was interesting,
but if I recall correctly, beauty was our focus then, and I was
very happy.

So part of me wonders what art and beauty do to the mind, which is
I guess where my scientific side will stay active. Wondering about these
things, and what we can do to improve ourlives and evolve.

I think about the fact that eventually we wont have to work as much. I
mean, as people are replaced by computers etc. Iunno, maybe it wont
happen that way, or at least it wont be for a long time.

However, what it made me think about was the celestine prophecy(which my
first gf gave me lol) where beauty which turned into love, was the thing
that was thought to be paramount in a post scarcity post worker society.

So it makes me think…that is when art forms and beauty would become
more important.

As well, I feel like, if people started, not forcing, but advertising
their art more, they would be advertising the idea of art, as well
as sharing the beauty, with everyone.

Well, this all has me thinking, that maybe meaningful work could come
out of just cherishing beauty more, in more productive ways, than I have
been. I mean because lately I have been torn between what would bring me
closer to money and therefore sex, and the fact that my happiness is
important and may not come from those things, and that my happiness is
what might get me those things.

If I were to just focus 100% on even just surrounding myself with beauty
what would happen? I mean take control of my environment in this way,
systematically, based on, and as I continue, becoming more intouch with my

If possible, I would love to be able to create a shift in societies
appreciation in true beauty, as opposed to what I’ve been seeing in
most of the media today which is just watered down.

Davinci was most well know as a Painter.

So I want to do a thought experiment right now. If starting now I were to
surround myself with beauty, what would I do, and what would the result be.

I would do music, maybe get a few new room posters, sing more and walk
around outside more, I could commit to drawing
based on one art peice every day. I could commit to reading a certain amount
of poetry, every day, trying to discover or uncover poets I resonate with.

I just thought of one major thing that could happen which is memory
improvements. I feel like beautiful things , music, art(at least drawing
something) rhymer, etc, are easier to remember. If you think about it,
the more you can (and want to) remember, the more you will have to draw
from when thinking. So really, the more beauty you take in, especially that
which has some intellectual/conceptual competent, the smarter you should get.

So an interesting area to look into would be the bridge between cognitive science
and aesthetics. What are the algorithms of aesthetics and what are the
corresponding states in the mind? For example. I’m guess it will have
to do with being more interconnected conceptually and in the brain.

This is interested as life and reality are also based on everything being

So iunno what is more important to me at this point. Beauty, or understanding.

I guess I should do both as I’ve said. If I can’t produce one day I can
at least surround myself with it in as many ways as possible, and exercise
for more beauty and better perception of beauty.

Language Learning: Muscle Memory and Passive Auditory Imprinting

“Passive Auditory Imprinting” Is really just a name I’m giving for the idea Khatsumoto from gives the idea of learning things through “osmosis” or passive listening. Where for example, if you hear the same phrase over and over, even if you don’t actively pay attention to it, you will become familiar with that phrase. Another example is learning a song or the words to a commercial even if you aren’t trying to.

I call it passive Auditory imprinting, and I stress “imprinting” because to me that feels like the best way to describe what is happening, at least for the moment and because this idea of imprinting seems to have other ways of occurring that I want to discuss.

First though, the reason why I find this idea important. It is because I find learning things actively to require a lot of resources and therefore not efficient. I mean, the worst example of this is creating mnemonics, where you focus completely on this task for the period of time that you are creating them AND all the reviews of the mnemonics you create.

Why is this not efficient?

For some people I’m sure it is efficient. For me though, I find myself constantly thinking, “damn I have to make up stories and review and actively recall meanings and stories of words. I have to remember a lot of information actively. I have to spend this time doing this, when I could be thinking about so many other interesting things. That is what makes it a burden.

Working out isn’t a burden for me. Doing chores not really, a physical part time job not really, but sitting down to review information that I already know so I don’t forget it, running over the same pathways, consciously,almost as if I never even made them before. That sucks.

A bit better is learning by trying to make connections. It’s still very active but it can rely on context more than creativity.

I feel like remembering things is important. I really got thinking about these ideas because of this fact, being able to remember a lot of facts is important for success in most fields and at least for the moment, it is not practical to try to get around it, in the school system at least.

Language learning as well is another huge example of where memorizing facts can become the “make or break” point. Learning Chinese requires being able to read and write 3000+ unique symbols.

This brings me to my next idea. Because learning Hanzi through mnemonics and review of those mnemonics becomes mind numbing very fast for me, because in general, memorizing can have this same effect, I need a way to be able to do memorization without it being a burden. Without having to sacrifice my cognitive resources.

Now here is my solution, which is pretty much going against the new way of doing things. I want to learn Hanzi by rote. As I write them out 10 or so times each, I will not have to think about them nearly as much. I can think about anything, let my mind wander in and out of focus. As long as the strokes are right and as long as I somehow fit the meaning to them. Either by only learning sentences which would have built in context for far more Hanzi at once. Or even paragraphs of text, just writing the whole paragraph out, knowing what it’s about, until I’ve memorized it and can write it on command. Or just write the hanzi while saying the name each time. Simple things like that.

I’ll still learn them. Why because of another type of imprinting. Muscle memory imprinting. My muscles(and parts of my central nervous system) will learn the Hanzi. I will be able to access those parts either when I write, or by imagining writing the words, and eventually just because I’ll have used them enough.

Now here is an interesting question. Is writing in big letters, the same as hearing a song played at a louder volume, in terms of increasing your ability to remember it. Or does a song only need to be loud enough to be clear, and writing something you see, the same as seeing the symbols clearly.

So this brings me to a whole philosophy about learning. Should we be trying to force our learning(of boring material) into consciousness awareness? Or is it better left to other parts of the central nervous system to store, and then we process and internalize further as needed?

I’ll end this by saying it sees some thing we are passionate about “knowing and understanding require a foundation of memorizing things we feel are not interesting. This method is a way to memorize those less interesting things in a way that uses more kinesthetic resources instead of the deeper conscious cognitive processes we want to use for the fun stuff.

Theories in motivation and learning

One theory is that there is this period of development where a child wants to take things apart and see how they work. If they are aloud to do this and taught about the things they take apart, their interest in those things will grow, but if they are not aloud to take them apart or if they can’t figure out anything about it afterwards the interest may fade. Just an idea. In addition to this is my idea that that interest doesn’t go away completely but remains as dormant interest that can only be rekindled in the proper environment where things can be taken apart and understood.

Notice schools mostly don’t work this way. For the most part school relies on teaching kids about individual components and only at the very end do they learn how things come together in maybe on or two applications. This is the reverse from a childhood motivation which is to seem many completed devices and wanting to work their way down to see how they work.

This leads me to my next idea. That maybe I could create a learning environment for myself based on things that are whole, completed things, that I then take apart.

Beyond this is the idea that it doesn’t necessarily have to be like, a whole computer, just the basic functioning component. What I mean is, if you hand me a capacitor I wont be intrigued. Sure you could hand me a whole computer, but really if you just handed me the smallest application of the capacitor and let me look at that whole thing, I would also be intrigued. By application I mean something where I see a visible or audible effect. Something that has an effect on my physical world.

So this is another theory I want to think about. Are we more intrigued by things we can actually see, hear, touch, and even more so by things that we can see having a mechanical/automated effect on the environment. If this were true it would mean the difference between learning computer programming by just writing code for a long time vs purposely compiling and running that code every minute just to get that hit of dopamine when you see your program have an effect on the screen.

You know how people say, ” I loved programming from the first time I got the computer to print words out to the screen.”, ya? So this must be a pretty important idea. Maybe critical to the enjoyment of learning programming. Being able to see often, the results of your work. This could be hard in some cases when you have a lot of errors etc, but  guess the whole point would be to create a system of learning that keeps errors to a minimum, but also if possible is not predictable in what comes to the screen.

I notice a strong paralell between this and learning a language where learning just hanzi in chinese has become actually painful, and I would much rather learn sentences which are actually functional.

I’m already in school for psychology, I might as well see if it’s possible to create the kind of system that makes learning anything fun.

Are you the type who likes someone to teach you how to play a game first, or do you like to learn as you go along? I feel most people would rather get right into the fun of the game. To me that is the difference between learning about components and learning about simple applications.

In fact, even a capacitor is more fun if you hook it up to a dmm and see how current reacts to it etc. But a small application hooked up to that dmm would be more interesting.

The urge to provide

My obsessing over what I could do to make a living, I think was based on the stress of how hard good jobs are to get. If for instance, I could have gotten a high paying job right out of college like I thought I would, I think I would have taken it. I mean, if it didn’t feel like I was in some kind of competition and needed to sell myself beyond my diploma. There was a time when it was easy to get a good job out of high school or college. In that age I feel like becoming self sufficient would have been easier. I mean, yes I think there would still be other things I would want. However, I would have been set as far as supporting myself was concerned.

So I guess what this makes me think is that what I need to get right now is work life stability. All the other passions can come, but this basic passion of freedom needs my attention now. I feel like if I were supporting myself, I would appreciate all my other passions that much more. I feel like I have this natural instinct to provide, for myself at least, and I think I need to go about meeting this need in the most efficient way possible.

However, when I think about the need to provide for myself, my thoughts drift towards areas like programming instead of philosophy. See programming is easier to get jobs in, although I definitely have a knack for philosophy. The best bet would be to do programming as well to keep my options open I guess. However, this division of goals between school and money makes this hard. If I joined a group though…or just got some people together…Or just made a daily allowance of 1 hour max for programming and I had to learn as much as I could in that time. It would make sense to focus on games or web dev because those areas will build a useable portfolio fastest I think. Out of those two, games are more fun. Then at the same time, if I did programming I could easily shift my experiments onto youtube and make friends in that scene. It would benifit me greatly to do this because it would make jobs easier to get when it came time to look. I would have to have the mindset of I’m trying to become awesome at this as if to program another world, or something. I should not stick to the basicl game ideas, but go off on tangents to make weird and wonderful things. I should have space music in the background when I work to make it more enjoyable. 1 hour a day…hmm it’s definitly an idea. I mean, it’s an investment, and if I feel it’s sound I can take out a load and move out knowing I’ll have jobs waiting for me when I’m ready. Maybe not in games, but in something interesting. People like to hear that I’ve played with mini max algorithms. I guess  need to push myself just a bit.

The thing that scares me is when people say with programming you either love it or you hate it. It doesn’t seem to be that way for me. Nothing does. It’s a day to day thing for me when it comes to what I enjoy doing. For instance right now I hate the chinese language or at least the hanzi. However, I’m pretty sure I’ll start liking it again soon after a nice break. So for a job, I can’t go by what I “love” because that changes all the tim. I need to go by what I’m good at that pays and is interesting.  I can get into a flow state while programming, so there’s that too.

Focusing on “The Body” After dream interpretation (A few days late in posting)

Last night i had a dream that my mom was urging me to have my arms amputated and rewired to cybornetic arms. She was telling me I needed to do this because of the threat of some sort of bone disease thatthere was a chance i would eventually getlater on in life if I didn’t. I was really scared but actually considering it. I asked someone, a nurse? or iunno, because where was this happening, i thought it was at home, about if they use anesthetic and they said something about pain killers lol. I was thinking about doing it since i had all this meditation practice from before and thought I shouldnt’ have to be so scared.

I think I left without giving a definit answer, maybe I said later I’ll c or something. Then I think in the basement of my room, I took off my shirt and i had all this black stuff attached to my back, like a black thick mold covering it like tar. So I started scraping it off with m fingers. Next I walked into a good friend’s house and into the basement or somewhere and two other good friends where there and I think they were offended that I just showed up and walked into his house like that but I don’t think I even appologized.

Today I learned about rembrant’s painting of a philosopher and a woman making him tea and I feel like it’s something I would cry if I could lol. It felt like it was my mom and me in a way. Then later that good friend who’s house I was in, in the dream, irl texted me what’s new. and we get into a very intellectual discussion and I used this as an opportunity to see if maybe there was something there in terms of life and goals. Well by the end of the conversation, he was entertained by the debate as was I.

LaterI read this forum post and…

I think I need to try and make time for everything, or just a lot of things. That is what I’m getting from this entp blog I’m reading and I like the idea. He has like 16 things he does every day. Most of which are self-improvement oriented. It makes sense for a lot of reasons. For one, I don’t get too focused on one thing and deny myself improvements in other areas. I also leave enought time for all hobbies. I also low myself the chance to improve and feel success and the new experiences these successes lead to. It’s just the time management that might be hard. Also his thing is making it a lifetime adventure. So for lnaguage learnig for instance he will always be learning one a language I guess.

heh, actually he is an entj, but it got me thinking anyways and now I’m going to go for it. It’s like organizing my own development instead of relying soley on chance. Chance will happen anyways. However, I want to be able to have habits of purposeful development, that I can count on.

That could also have relevance to the dream I had. My mom telling me I should get robotic arms for my own good. Habits are kind of like being robotic, automated. So like, if I were part machine, I would be better. The next day were the teacher refered to the painting my rembrant, he said something about “The body”, but also that having to do with slaves and workers building up a nation. So following routines is kind of like being a slave to yourself. To what the future would be if you didn’t have those routines.

Also there is the fact that in the dream the robot hands also represented my anxieties for the 3 years of college and the year leading up, where I did become amazing at habits. I do feel like in some ways I have not been able to get back to that level as far as habits, and self-control. I think it would be cool, as long as I didn’t have to sacrifice too much. I just need a balance. For instance, what’s 25 minutes of not day dreaming per day. Not
a big deal, especially if it will net me other opportunies that lead to inspiration. What’s staying up late if the thoughts I think then are less useful and insightful. As long as I make daily habits that allow enough time to myself, I wont be sacrificing my time. Just getting the most out of it. If I have 5 hrs instead of 10, I’ll usually
fit 10 hrs of daydreaming into 5. However, If I have NO time, then I’ll feel it, unless I end up just daydreaming as I work…and this is another thing. If I can day dream and think while I work in many cases, then maybe I don’t need as much time to myself as I have though.
I just need to get used to thinking about two things at once or something. Like when I make music and I can still think about whatever else I want. So, if I became part robot, basically if I could have automatic processes of success, then it would be like achieving what the dream was urging me to. Not only that, but then I would be able to say to everyone else, that they need learn how to do these things as well. Become part robot. Do it, because it
is the only way to find peace? freedom? Yes, because is giving up a form of freedom? I don’t know. I think being able to work at anything indefinitly, and improving, and eventually enjoying it, is closer.

Basically be ok with doing things that are hard. If you have that, that mental strength,  if everyone had that mental strenght, AND they were willing to cooperate instead of compete, we would truly have a utopia. Forget about finding that ONE THING that yu truly love. Learn to love doing all the things you need to do to improve. Learn to make it a habit. Being able to work even when no rewards are forth coming but hoping they will come eventually.
That is freedom.

Then later I thought basically that since rembrant was also being thought to be representing the woman in teh paint to be the body of society and the philosopher to be the head, it would make sense that just as in the paining, and in the dream(in a twisted way I guess) I could focus more on my body. I’m sure my mom would respect that decision.

Well by the end of that night i had come down with a cold, but I had just picked up many vitamins ad healthy foods so I should be ok by tmr. Well hopefully. So this focus on the body(which I plan/ed to have as a goald of being as healthy as humanly possible) actually transitions nicely to my latest post where I talk about how I gain energy from beautiful ambience (music, room decor), and so yeah it fits in that way as well.

Physical Environment and artistic Inspiration: Interior Designing

I am realizing now that I am actually way more influenced by my physical environment then I thought. Influenced, and inspired by it. Ok, let’s begin!

So I have thought and wrote about this before. That it seems unlike most hobbies, music is something that I can kind of slip into. Like once I start making a song and it sounds ok, I can just keep going and it will sound better and better as I go along. The same can’t really be said for something like writing. I mean yes I could potentially get started writing a short fiction story and as I get more into it I’ll maybe become more interested. It’s not the same thing though. Here is why.

When I write  story, I rarely read it again. I have it in the back of my mind of course, if it’s any good, but just like with most stories and most people who read them, it’s only if you become obsessed with it, that you would sit down and read it again, multiple times.

With music though it seem it’s often the case where if it’s good you will play it over and over. Unless you purposefully try not to ruin it so you only listen to it once in a while.

What I’m getting at, is music is a physical thing, it has a presence an influences us whenever it’s on, regardless of whether we are paying active attention or not. In this way it is a lot like exercise and learning a second language. They are things that once acquired/worked on etc, have passive value.

I came to this realization because I have been trying to become inspired to do something like create games(which combines many elements of art into one almost). However I have troubles getting and staying inspired.

The first reason for this I think is I do better when I am working with other people because I get inspired by their energy. However, I have just realized another important aspect of what inspires me. I am inspired by things that effect my external physical environment.

Yes I have wrote fiction ideas down when the inspiration hit, but that was actually rare. I get ideas of course, and I think about philosophy, etc, but this is different. My thoughts and ideas gain inspiration from my internal world, and unless I see a need to express those thoughts, or if I write them out as I go along or later, like a journal, that is not the same as work.  Thinking is something we do to solve problems etc, Butting all that stuff on youtube in video form though? That is work lol, so I haven’t done much of that. Although I may at some point iunno.

Anyways, I realize I just crave r at least draw energy from my physicak external environement and so it makes sense that it would be the area where I could put effort into, knowing I will get energy back. It’s important that I get energy back from my endevours, and if I can’t depend on people online because the energy I get from a screen is not very high, and people have way less invested in online interactions/ I need something physical.

One thing I could do is join groups, but I’m already in school with a full course load and this may be enough. A lot of themost inpiring ideas I get are based on the physical world. Game stages irl with high falls, and undertoe water pools that lead to different chambers. Another thing I always like is putting posters up n my room. Sure this isn’t a big deal in an of it’self but the idea is held up. I often have had ideas for turning my room into some crazy other worldy experience actually.

I feel like if I were to join groups it woudl be good to join ones that allow mr to improve on them if I get the ideas. A drama theater club might be everything in one, but maybe no.

In general though, a focus on things in my physical space like my room, and kind of moddifying it, could e fun to do, and maybe even fun to post on youtube. It would at least feel inspiring to me. Just like my music. Infact I could put these two things together.

It really is an ambient based thing I have going here. My music sounds pretty ambient, and I like making cool environments.  could be just tired, but this seems like a good idea right now lol.

Then f I really wanted to, I could extend this idea by creating games based on my room. Iunno.

It seems like an extension of my enjoyment of building physical things, for instance I would love to build a house but that isn’t aloud in the city just like that, for safety reasons.

So iunno, basically I think I may need to get more physical in order to keep the energy flowing.

Indie game lifestyle

I took b6 200mg and a large capsule of omega 3, I feel so good approximately 3 hrs later even though technically I am coming down with something.

Here are my thoughts after a lot of thinking. Point form baby…only till it’s not…

If I were to focus on sex, I would say I should make money to get my own place to have sex in all the time.

If I wanted money I would have to find the things I’m good at or that will most efficiently get me that money.

For me I am best at the things I enjoy.

I realize then that these things would be things like artsy musicky stuff, and ideas and philosophical stuff.

Beyond that, just being around people who like to think about interesting things get’s me fired up and passionate.

Like a muse.

Many people in interesting yet technical areas (the areas where it’s easiest to make money it seems), are cool with working alone.

I feel one of my strengths is being able to work with other people and add ideas etc, to whatever the project, I kind of mold to fit, as long as it’s interesting.

Well, society, as far as the image I’ve been getting, in most technical industries, does not prize this thing that I’m so good at. How could they, if they are the leaders, if they call the shots. How could they want someone who is the shot-caller as far as ideas is concered.

So it could be that the thing I need to focus on producing is a way to get to share my ideas with the people I like doing so with, without all this red tape.

So how would I go about doing that?

Well, I’m willing to work for free, just to meet those people, assuming it will be fun enough.

I’m willing because I’m willing to but the idea of money and sex on the back burner for how ever long it takes to get this part of my life sorted out, to the point where people do appreciate what I have to offer.

Basically I will be selling myself.

SO what area would I work in exactly, where I meet these people, and do these primarily sexless activities, u don’t ask?
(or maybe you do….hm)

Well, it would be in areas I enjoy working in and with people I like.

Now I’ve thought long and hard about so many areas I enjoy, music, art, acting,stories,poetry,film,philosophy…
These are all well and good, I will come back to why they are not enough in a second.

Some how I ended up shifting my focus to what technical stuff I could possibly do by myself. I realized though that even if there were such a thing, it would probably not be something we have now. What I mean is, as a kid, breaking open a computer to see how it worked would have been magical. Now though, I would need something bigger. So big, that no one can offer it too me. However, if you think about it, through my own thinking, I offer it to myself, and hopefully, to some of you.

Back to the many other areas I enjoy. I left one out intentionally, one that came to me as I shat. As I shat, or maybe I was already finished I can’t remember it was a blur, I thought of something fun I could do. I could make a youtube video of me reading a book in the dark with a light. Just have a flash light going over the words. It would be like if we were kids and didn’t want our parents to know we were still up, but I could also have cool resident evil music playing with it

Then I said, what if I made it a gameboy color playing pokemon yellow, and at intervals, you hear footsteps like my parent was coming so I had to turn off the light and turn down the volume, etc.

Then I realized, I was making a game. Games seem to be able to incorporate most other fun things somehow which is very interesting. It almost makes games a higher order form of entertainment.

Not only that, but I feel like what we are all searching for in life, or at least me, is more fun things. I want my job to be a fun thing. Well, in focusing on ways to make my life fun, focusing on my health so I’m happier, etc, I have been in effect gamifying my life. However, un-like most people who can just go out and that is fun, for me, I have kind of bee expecting to find a way of making my whole life feel like a game.

I must admit, the biggest thing in that regard I think is health. If u are super healthy, just below euphoric, all the shit about what to do with your life, stops being so frustrating and becomes something fun to work towards. Like a game.

So this makes me think that if I have been trying to make my whole life a game already, I should be able to create games on levels below that, and enjoy those. In effect turning my life into a bunch of mini games that I make and subsequently play or at least share with others to play. Mean while all this will be going on with the overarching theme of a big game, as long as I remember that health is important, as well as the way we look at life.

I will want to work with other people as soon as possible. However, especially because I need to test my level of commitment to this path, it might be cool to try making original game concepts on my own, maybe just sharing them though so I don’t become anti-social.

I wouldn’t just be making games that are for the computer though, although there are some I think would be cool. I really would love it if I could make games that are played in the real world somehow.

Also it’s interesting that the most likes I have for anything on youtube is not based on any of my over 100 videos, but it is…well there is one comment about going to another country that somehow got lot’s of attention, but which didn’t happen. Then there is a comment where I share my idea for adding a game feature to youtube. This comment still has replies coming, 8 months later.

I also find it interesting because the human drive for pleasure may be the greatest of all, iunno, and gaming seems to be the biggest source of it for many people, but it needs some fresh perspective.

« Older entries

%d bloggers like this: