Do you think you are awesome…as a defense mechanism?

I recently came to a realization that in a lot of my pursuits I have been trying my best to do everything myself.
A few examples:
Youtube: Wanting to get popular without sharing my channel with my friends or family, actually I think this is understandable though. I talk about stuff I don’t want to have to discuss again with my friends. However, one of the reasons otherwise is simply I want to prove that I can get popular on my own.

Jobs, not really wanting to use my friends to get me a job. I mean here to there is the idea that I wouldn’t want to be putting out any of my friends. However in general a bit thing is that I would want to prove to myself that I could get an awesome job without help.

Women, I’m sure my friends could introduce me to some awesome girls, however I wouldn’t want that. One reason is that would want my relationships to be mine alone, not my friends business. Second though, is that I would want to know that I can develop relationships on my own. It’s partly about freedom, and partly about pride.

To go further about me, I have always been extremely ambitious in a way most people aren’t. I wanted to be a super hero long after most kids grew out of that idea. The I wanted to be at least a super smart genius wizard able to do anything, get anything I wanted, by myself.

I mean it would be freeing to be that type of person, and if it is attainable then why not. Now thing reason is kind of complicated, and maybe it depends on who you are. For me though, the reason is because of the reason WHY I wanted those things in the first place.

First let me just say, that the world can be improved without someon rising up as some super smart person so saying that it is for the good of everyone is not a proper excuse. Everyone has potential, not just an exceptional few.

So the reason for me is that I think I was just using this outlandish desire and view of myself(as I at least identified primarily as having the potential to be this amazing person, me instead of focusing on we) I think the desire arose as a reaction to feeling the opposite at a few points in my child hood. I mean I want to keep my self-confidence and optimism and belief in myself, I think it’s actually important to have that.

What I’ve let go of is the need to prove this potential to the detriment of my social interactions. See the more I focus on trying to be independently awesome, just to prove I can, to my self if no one else, the more I have to avoid the pro-social interactions and bonding that could be had by allowing people to help you and to work with them to accomplish bigger things.

The thing that may have initially started me realizing that I need to change this is…well one is I started jogging which really gives me a more natural sense of self-worth. Next is, and actually one of the reasons I started jogging in the first place, women. I want to have healthy relationships with the opposite sex. I mean I do already for the most part, it’s been trying. Social anxiety get’s in the way but jogging helps with it.

The realization that I can’t have sex by myself and so I will always need a partner for at least that, is a big part of what helped me see the contradiction in my goals. I wanted to prove I was awesome, so that I could feel more comfortable working with others, knowing I’m still valuable on my own.

The other part is that I realized working with others is where a lot of the meaning comes from for me, what a “career” is, and a big part of “living” is. So there was really no escaping the correction. If I wanted the ideal meaningful life, meaningful relationships, meaningful work, I would need other people, and that’s what I want.


The Drive for Authenticity, for Being Human

So to summarize the last little bit there:

For the longest time I have been in search of a life full of meaning.
I thought it should be like an action packed movie or game.
As I grew older the urgency grew as I started to feel less and less human,
living in the same house of my providers, not being able to
provide for myself even, let alone do something meaningful.

Tonight I felt the cold winter wind on my face and hands, and I
retreated into the warmth of my parents house, only to realize I was
running away from the possibility of being truly authentic, which I would
be if I had no home to turn to, and had to fight for my survival, for any
shred of warmth, even against society.

I listened to the opening song of a show and realized not all music I love
urges me to live out the fantasies of some other person’s story.
So I realized there was an origional part of me, that music could go with.

I realized part of me would rather freeze to death than live in
an inauthentic and dependant way, but that going back out into the night
then, would be a waste, a step in the wrong direction. However, so would
moving towards a job in a feild that would just be making a living.

So I realized I would rather continue with school, and more philosophy
especially, and possibly end up in the cold at a later point, after having
tried to make a difference to the best of my abilities. If that happened, I
would accept it, and do my best, and it would be me, and I would be proud,
and turn my nose up at anyone or anything that didn’t see why I’ve won.

Rather that, than spend any amount of time trying to secure a job I don’t
believe I should be doing, to be supported by a society in which I would
not be living authentically.

So, I have a very strong need now, to make something of this path that I
have chosen. I need it, as if I were still outside trying to get in.

Focusing on “The Body” After dream interpretation (A few days late in posting)

Last night i had a dream that my mom was urging me to have my arms amputated and rewired to cybornetic arms. She was telling me I needed to do this because of the threat of some sort of bone disease thatthere was a chance i would eventually getlater on in life if I didn’t. I was really scared but actually considering it. I asked someone, a nurse? or iunno, because where was this happening, i thought it was at home, about if they use anesthetic and they said something about pain killers lol. I was thinking about doing it since i had all this meditation practice from before and thought I shouldnt’ have to be so scared.

I think I left without giving a definit answer, maybe I said later I’ll c or something. Then I think in the basement of my room, I took off my shirt and i had all this black stuff attached to my back, like a black thick mold covering it like tar. So I started scraping it off with m fingers. Next I walked into a good friend’s house and into the basement or somewhere and two other good friends where there and I think they were offended that I just showed up and walked into his house like that but I don’t think I even appologized.

Today I learned about rembrant’s painting of a philosopher and a woman making him tea and I feel like it’s something I would cry if I could lol. It felt like it was my mom and me in a way. Then later that good friend who’s house I was in, in the dream, irl texted me what’s new. and we get into a very intellectual discussion and I used this as an opportunity to see if maybe there was something there in terms of life and goals. Well by the end of the conversation, he was entertained by the debate as was I.

LaterI read this forum post and…

I think I need to try and make time for everything, or just a lot of things. That is what I’m getting from this entp blog I’m reading and I like the idea. He has like 16 things he does every day. Most of which are self-improvement oriented. It makes sense for a lot of reasons. For one, I don’t get too focused on one thing and deny myself improvements in other areas. I also leave enought time for all hobbies. I also low myself the chance to improve and feel success and the new experiences these successes lead to. It’s just the time management that might be hard. Also his thing is making it a lifetime adventure. So for lnaguage learnig for instance he will always be learning one a language I guess.

heh, actually he is an entj, but it got me thinking anyways and now I’m going to go for it. It’s like organizing my own development instead of relying soley on chance. Chance will happen anyways. However, I want to be able to have habits of purposeful development, that I can count on.

That could also have relevance to the dream I had. My mom telling me I should get robotic arms for my own good. Habits are kind of like being robotic, automated. So like, if I were part machine, I would be better. The next day were the teacher refered to the painting my rembrant, he said something about “The body”, but also that having to do with slaves and workers building up a nation. So following routines is kind of like being a slave to yourself. To what the future would be if you didn’t have those routines.

Also there is the fact that in the dream the robot hands also represented my anxieties for the 3 years of college and the year leading up, where I did become amazing at habits. I do feel like in some ways I have not been able to get back to that level as far as habits, and self-control. I think it would be cool, as long as I didn’t have to sacrifice too much. I just need a balance. For instance, what’s 25 minutes of not day dreaming per day. Not
a big deal, especially if it will net me other opportunies that lead to inspiration. What’s staying up late if the thoughts I think then are less useful and insightful. As long as I make daily habits that allow enough time to myself, I wont be sacrificing my time. Just getting the most out of it. If I have 5 hrs instead of 10, I’ll usually
fit 10 hrs of daydreaming into 5. However, If I have NO time, then I’ll feel it, unless I end up just daydreaming as I work…and this is another thing. If I can day dream and think while I work in many cases, then maybe I don’t need as much time to myself as I have though.
I just need to get used to thinking about two things at once or something. Like when I make music and I can still think about whatever else I want. So, if I became part robot, basically if I could have automatic processes of success, then it would be like achieving what the dream was urging me to. Not only that, but then I would be able to say to everyone else, that they need learn how to do these things as well. Become part robot. Do it, because it
is the only way to find peace? freedom? Yes, because is giving up a form of freedom? I don’t know. I think being able to work at anything indefinitly, and improving, and eventually enjoying it, is closer.

Basically be ok with doing things that are hard. If you have that, that mental strength,  if everyone had that mental strenght, AND they were willing to cooperate instead of compete, we would truly have a utopia. Forget about finding that ONE THING that yu truly love. Learn to love doing all the things you need to do to improve. Learn to make it a habit. Being able to work even when no rewards are forth coming but hoping they will come eventually.
That is freedom.

Then later I thought basically that since rembrant was also being thought to be representing the woman in teh paint to be the body of society and the philosopher to be the head, it would make sense that just as in the paining, and in the dream(in a twisted way I guess) I could focus more on my body. I’m sure my mom would respect that decision.

Well by the end of that night i had come down with a cold, but I had just picked up many vitamins ad healthy foods so I should be ok by tmr. Well hopefully. So this focus on the body(which I plan/ed to have as a goald of being as healthy as humanly possible) actually transitions nicely to my latest post where I talk about how I gain energy from beautiful ambience (music, room decor), and so yeah it fits in that way as well.

Physical Environment and artistic Inspiration: Interior Designing

I am realizing now that I am actually way more influenced by my physical environment then I thought. Influenced, and inspired by it. Ok, let’s begin!

So I have thought and wrote about this before. That it seems unlike most hobbies, music is something that I can kind of slip into. Like once I start making a song and it sounds ok, I can just keep going and it will sound better and better as I go along. The same can’t really be said for something like writing. I mean yes I could potentially get started writing a short fiction story and as I get more into it I’ll maybe become more interested. It’s not the same thing though. Here is why.

When I write  story, I rarely read it again. I have it in the back of my mind of course, if it’s any good, but just like with most stories and most people who read them, it’s only if you become obsessed with it, that you would sit down and read it again, multiple times.

With music though it seem it’s often the case where if it’s good you will play it over and over. Unless you purposefully try not to ruin it so you only listen to it once in a while.

What I’m getting at, is music is a physical thing, it has a presence an influences us whenever it’s on, regardless of whether we are paying active attention or not. In this way it is a lot like exercise and learning a second language. They are things that once acquired/worked on etc, have passive value.

I came to this realization because I have been trying to become inspired to do something like create games(which combines many elements of art into one almost). However I have troubles getting and staying inspired.

The first reason for this I think is I do better when I am working with other people because I get inspired by their energy. However, I have just realized another important aspect of what inspires me. I am inspired by things that effect my external physical environment.

Yes I have wrote fiction ideas down when the inspiration hit, but that was actually rare. I get ideas of course, and I think about philosophy, etc, but this is different. My thoughts and ideas gain inspiration from my internal world, and unless I see a need to express those thoughts, or if I write them out as I go along or later, like a journal, that is not the same as work.  Thinking is something we do to solve problems etc, Butting all that stuff on youtube in video form though? That is work lol, so I haven’t done much of that. Although I may at some point iunno.

Anyways, I realize I just crave r at least draw energy from my physicak external environement and so it makes sense that it would be the area where I could put effort into, knowing I will get energy back. It’s important that I get energy back from my endevours, and if I can’t depend on people online because the energy I get from a screen is not very high, and people have way less invested in online interactions/ I need something physical.

One thing I could do is join groups, but I’m already in school with a full course load and this may be enough. A lot of themost inpiring ideas I get are based on the physical world. Game stages irl with high falls, and undertoe water pools that lead to different chambers. Another thing I always like is putting posters up n my room. Sure this isn’t a big deal in an of it’self but the idea is held up. I often have had ideas for turning my room into some crazy other worldy experience actually.

I feel like if I were to join groups it woudl be good to join ones that allow mr to improve on them if I get the ideas. A drama theater club might be everything in one, but maybe no.

In general though, a focus on things in my physical space like my room, and kind of moddifying it, could e fun to do, and maybe even fun to post on youtube. It would at least feel inspiring to me. Just like my music. Infact I could put these two things together.

It really is an ambient based thing I have going here. My music sounds pretty ambient, and I like making cool environments.  could be just tired, but this seems like a good idea right now lol.

Then f I really wanted to, I could extend this idea by creating games based on my room. Iunno.

It seems like an extension of my enjoyment of building physical things, for instance I would love to build a house but that isn’t aloud in the city just like that, for safety reasons.

So iunno, basically I think I may need to get more physical in order to keep the energy flowing.

Indie game lifestyle

I took b6 200mg and a large capsule of omega 3, I feel so good approximately 3 hrs later even though technically I am coming down with something.

Here are my thoughts after a lot of thinking. Point form baby…only till it’s not…

If I were to focus on sex, I would say I should make money to get my own place to have sex in all the time.

If I wanted money I would have to find the things I’m good at or that will most efficiently get me that money.

For me I am best at the things I enjoy.

I realize then that these things would be things like artsy musicky stuff, and ideas and philosophical stuff.

Beyond that, just being around people who like to think about interesting things get’s me fired up and passionate.

Like a muse.

Many people in interesting yet technical areas (the areas where it’s easiest to make money it seems), are cool with working alone.

I feel one of my strengths is being able to work with other people and add ideas etc, to whatever the project, I kind of mold to fit, as long as it’s interesting.

Well, society, as far as the image I’ve been getting, in most technical industries, does not prize this thing that I’m so good at. How could they, if they are the leaders, if they call the shots. How could they want someone who is the shot-caller as far as ideas is concered.

So it could be that the thing I need to focus on producing is a way to get to share my ideas with the people I like doing so with, without all this red tape.

So how would I go about doing that?

Well, I’m willing to work for free, just to meet those people, assuming it will be fun enough.

I’m willing because I’m willing to but the idea of money and sex on the back burner for how ever long it takes to get this part of my life sorted out, to the point where people do appreciate what I have to offer.

Basically I will be selling myself.

SO what area would I work in exactly, where I meet these people, and do these primarily sexless activities, u don’t ask?
(or maybe you do….hm)

Well, it would be in areas I enjoy working in and with people I like.

Now I’ve thought long and hard about so many areas I enjoy, music, art, acting,stories,poetry,film,philosophy…
These are all well and good, I will come back to why they are not enough in a second.

Some how I ended up shifting my focus to what technical stuff I could possibly do by myself. I realized though that even if there were such a thing, it would probably not be something we have now. What I mean is, as a kid, breaking open a computer to see how it worked would have been magical. Now though, I would need something bigger. So big, that no one can offer it too me. However, if you think about it, through my own thinking, I offer it to myself, and hopefully, to some of you.

Back to the many other areas I enjoy. I left one out intentionally, one that came to me as I shat. As I shat, or maybe I was already finished I can’t remember it was a blur, I thought of something fun I could do. I could make a youtube video of me reading a book in the dark with a light. Just have a flash light going over the words. It would be like if we were kids and didn’t want our parents to know we were still up, but I could also have cool resident evil music playing with it

Then I said, what if I made it a gameboy color playing pokemon yellow, and at intervals, you hear footsteps like my parent was coming so I had to turn off the light and turn down the volume, etc.

Then I realized, I was making a game. Games seem to be able to incorporate most other fun things somehow which is very interesting. It almost makes games a higher order form of entertainment.

Not only that, but I feel like what we are all searching for in life, or at least me, is more fun things. I want my job to be a fun thing. Well, in focusing on ways to make my life fun, focusing on my health so I’m happier, etc, I have been in effect gamifying my life. However, un-like most people who can just go out and that is fun, for me, I have kind of bee expecting to find a way of making my whole life feel like a game.

I must admit, the biggest thing in that regard I think is health. If u are super healthy, just below euphoric, all the shit about what to do with your life, stops being so frustrating and becomes something fun to work towards. Like a game.

So this makes me think that if I have been trying to make my whole life a game already, I should be able to create games on levels below that, and enjoy those. In effect turning my life into a bunch of mini games that I make and subsequently play or at least share with others to play. Mean while all this will be going on with the overarching theme of a big game, as long as I remember that health is important, as well as the way we look at life.

I will want to work with other people as soon as possible. However, especially because I need to test my level of commitment to this path, it might be cool to try making original game concepts on my own, maybe just sharing them though so I don’t become anti-social.

I wouldn’t just be making games that are for the computer though, although there are some I think would be cool. I really would love it if I could make games that are played in the real world somehow.

Also it’s interesting that the most likes I have for anything on youtube is not based on any of my over 100 videos, but it is…well there is one comment about going to another country that somehow got lot’s of attention, but which didn’t happen. Then there is a comment where I share my idea for adding a game feature to youtube. This comment still has replies coming, 8 months later.

I also find it interesting because the human drive for pleasure may be the greatest of all, iunno, and gaming seems to be the biggest source of it for many people, but it needs some fresh perspective.

What comes out of boredom

So I was on the bus to school, thinking about the new perspective, of just enjoying surroundings and environment. Finding that sense of connection, even when alone. So I was trying to focus on that but I found myself…bored. So then I decided being able to connect by myself is one thing, but it’s like, it has it’s place. Like, when I really feel lonely, or it just hits me, iunno. When I’m bored though, what naturally comes out of it, is creativity. I started building a song in my head without really thinking about it. So I decided I would run with that idea and create the song on my laptop when I got to school.

Then I thought, creativity is a form of connection as well. So are other activities as long as you find yourself in that kind of zone.

After that I found myself focusing on two things throughout the day

one was increasing my testosterone levels

The other was figuring out a way to do what the song I created was inspiring me to do. It wanted me to do some really epic physical challenges. Like, that’s what would go with the music to me.

After trying to take a nap because I was listening to my body, I though, well it seems like a type of obstacle course would be what I’d want. Only it would have to be a huge almost otherworldly type of thing, with platforms, and whirlpools that suck you under when you jump in and spit you out some where else in the course, and those walls with pegs so it’s hard to climb. Iunno, the best I could do right now is draw what I think it should look like because I am in no position to make it happen at this time.

Anyways, I started trying to psych myself up back into the state I was in earlier but with little success because as I found out moments ago, I’ve been running on almost empty. I guess 45 min walk in the morning could have something to do with both that and the creativity in the morning.

I also did some research into testosterone, because it hadn’t hit me yet that I was just tired. I was focused on why my sex drive wasn’t there. Still learned some stuff though. I was actually about to walk to the store to buy some garlic to see if it will boost testosterone levels like I’ve heard, but I thought, no the whole problem seems to be that I keep trying to force myself to have energy, to do things, because what, because at one point I did them, so I assume I “should” remain that way. (Like I learned in psychology that frontal lobe in teens developed making them see all possibilities but no obstacles, consequences etc, so they become more creative etc. I had often though in my mid twenties, what happened to the teenage me who had so many dreams. Thing is, I still do, I’m just more developed than I was before.) Then it hit me that I was actually just tired, but it’s only 7:40 something. To early to sleep. So I decided, maybe I’ll just play my new song and sit and play with my hands. I put my hands in the form of a cup almost without thinking. Then I thought, it’s like I’m saying to the universe, “I’m empty, please give me some energy”. This is boredom and this is creativity. Then I thought of something else I could add to this song.

So if you think about it, everything I did from the time I finished that song, until now, was mostly based on something I thought I “should be”, when the reality was just not that.

I thought I should have a way to realize an obstacle course irl and not have it just be a dream

I thought I should have the energy to get into some form of training right now

I thought I should have a high sex drive

All of these when the reality, where the real “shoulds” come from, was that I am tired and don’t have the resources to make an obstacle course on my own. The reality is that I shouldn’t be horny, because I’ve been extremely active without the proper nutrition and sleep to back it up thus far.

This song still speaks to me though. It says, you can get even stronger, more attractive etc. Is that wrong? It seems goals like that are good. Having goals is good. Maybe the problem is I expect too much from myself too soon. I can think of more goals than I can achieve in a life time. Not that I shouldn’t keep thinking of them. Just that it might be wise to not try to act on all of them, but to keep them as ideas. If they remain ideas, they can be acted upon by me or anyone else, at anytime. Where as if I try to do the thing, own the thing, it seems it get’s in the way of things that are more basic but more healthy for me to actually be doing.

For example, weights vs calisthenics/back flips. weights seem to do more for me, but the fact that it seems so easy, so normal, makes it seem unworthy in comparison to the possibilities I can think of. However, maybe it’s actually best if instead of trying to act on all my ideas, I focus my energy on those basic things, and then let my ideas pour out and I can just tell people about them.

Also, I guess my health isn’t really a “simple” or “easy” thing. It’s actually an ideal. To be healthy, very healthy, and look great, and feel great. Weight training is kind of like, challenging one’s self to see just how healthy they can get. I guess that is worth doing. I man, health is life, it’s challenging life, trying to get more time.

heh, it’s funny, I’ve been at this for so long, but not a personal trainer. I guess it’s cool though. If I wanna look at it as something that should help others, I’m sure I inspire other people. However, part of me wants to keep this as something that is just for me. Iunno, it makes me wanna get into genetic engineering cause it feels like, All I can get out of this is muscles. Is that evolution. However, I guess working out could actually have a huge effect of my brain, especially the more I learn about how to improve. However, how long can I keep this up. Where is this going? I could turn it into a kind of meditation by being more and more aware of my body as I do the movements. Iunno.

I guess I could work on other pars of me as well although aesthetics as a kind of appeal, like sexually, that stuff like back-n training does not for me. lol. Oh, flexibility. I want that too if I can have it. I guess this is like a kind of yogic lifestyle almost. Just worshiping or improving upon the human body, through application of it’s own adaptive abilities.

We work so hard at our goals. Even if not for someone else’s love, at least to improve our mood. However, good moods I guess aren’t promised to us either. We try though, because what else is worth doing.

So , should I be striving to better my mood and make it more stable. Or should I just let go. It’s tricky but I think it’s possible to do both at once. Work to improve mood but not expecting anything to last(which in a way keeps the bad moods from being too bad). It sucks to think this way because it means none of the things you would want to really enjoy about life, will be super enjoyable. Not when you know they can be taken away at any moment and you’ll have to work again to get them back. However, there is also this underlying sense that everything is ok, when you can accept things like loneliness, and not achieving everything, etc. It feels kind of beautiful, like I’m not beating myself up over it and forcing myself to be something different. If I don’t end up achieving anything in life or making all my dreams come true, it’s no big deal.

Stoicism, Perspective, Sex, success, “giving up”

So yesterday I was feeling tired and so I decided I would just stop trying to think or keep myself awake etc. I was sitting on the bus and so I guess I got some micro-sleeps because I felt better soon after and was actually horny and for the rest of the evening a lot of women looked really attractive to me. However, then I started researching stuff about increasing or maintaining this feeling using herbs etc, and then I was up until past 12.

I originally decided to take a nap out of a sense of being overwhelmed slightly, and realizing I was doing it to myself. Why was I doing it to myself though? Well, because of other people and other perspectives out of which grew
a kind of damaging idea. The idea is that if you want to be happy you need to push yourself beyond what is healthy to earn it. That you are not good enough that you should be happy and that the only way to get there is to become something more.
“More” which is really a target moving further and further in to the distance forever.

Then there is the other way. Instead of striving for happiness, just strive for relief from unhappiness, in the healthiest and most
effective ways you can. Heh, then as I got up to start walking I starting thinking hmm maybe it’s about denying yourself things, like, not indulging. Based on how much peanuts suck for my mood. Then as I starting walking I though, wait, i don’t want to have to deny myself happiness. Then walking more I thought what is it I keep doing that keeps me in this cycle of happiness and then unhappiness. Also I thought about perspectives.

Then I thought, I’m really tied right now and no sex drive and it feels shitty, but what if I had just had a huge orgy last night and THEN woke up feeling this way? Maybe it would feel like a success so I would feel satisfied. So maybe I just need to change my perspective from one of constantly seeking sucess to one of seeing myself as already and always successful. In the short term people might not understand this way of seeing things, but I guess as long as it ended up as me being inspired and
doing more, then maybe it would work out. Sitting down again I feel like, would I feel that ONE orgy was success if it could never happen again? hmmm

So I think this is very important, especially in times when you already are kind of happy but thinking about being more happy. Here it seems I have the choice. I can either just chill and be happy with what I have and who I am, or I can stay up later than I should trying to get somewhere better. Iunno, because it’s hard once you are in a shitty mood to just have the perspective of being awesome. Or at least, even if you can feel like a success, it wont stop you from being in a bad mood. I guess it could at least stop you from letting your mood get any worse. So it could be that the best time to make the change in perspective, is while in a shitty mood lol.

So I guess a very stoic way of looking at the world then, which would be independent of social judgements so free of interference by other peoples perspectives, would just be that achievements don’t matter. Money doesn’t matter, travel doesn’t matter, sex doesn’t matter, health maybe doesn’t even matter. All that matters if even that, is consiousness. It matters as much
as it IS. You can’t have perspective without being conscious therefore consciousness “matters”. now that is a sleek design.

All these other things, even happiness, are all kind of transient as experiences in that you could expereince being happy one moment and then not happy the next. Consiousness isn’t quite like that. For the most part you are conscious or you are not. Well I guess there are levels of “clear hotheadedness” or fuzziness so I guess even there it’s hard to say.

Also if teal swan is right that you can’t stop wanting something you want, namely happiness, then the perspective of not care, wouldn’t be in conflict with this, it would just make it easier to get it.

Christianity and other religious views of an afterlife are also different perspectives that probably had an impact on me when I was younger. The idea of having unlimited lifespan is appealing.

Also, well, there is a difference between changing perspective of success and changing perspectives on relationships and general health. I am all for letting go of the idea of “success” I think success is realizing success is a fad and then having only the goals you just want to do and that would be painful to not do.

Health I hear from teal is perspective based as well, like you could be wounded but just change the perspective so that you don’t care. I guess maybe this has a place, if it adds to happiness.

The relationships, I think this is tricky. I don’t want to become sociopath. For now I think my biggest issue is just success so I think if I could let go of that idea I would be happier and sleep better etc. Basically realize if you die without achieving all your goals it isn’t really…iunno. It feels weird to say this, almost like it’s welcoming death lol. Well I can say at least for goals involving expressing myself, it’s kind of like how a child will want attention, the more growing should lead to less caring about it until you don’t care if anyone praises you for anything.

It’s almost like that Fe(people focused part of me) was trying to please other people, I guess through Si(body focused part, but if I let go of that perspective, iunno, maybe it will free me to actually just love people. It seems that this is what happens. It seems like today a lot of what people hate each other and fight over are just permutations of need of love from each other. Based on a perspective that it actually matters that people love you.

Era of Emotion: Music as Bio-philosophy

I feel like the next revolution will be based on emotional

What emotions can you experience as a human being.
connection with other human beings(on those emotions ect)

I am interested in the mystery that is life.

Besides that I enjoy feeling amazing and novel emotions.

I’m pretty sure many other people have said this, (teal swan said it about
parenting at least, also stuar candy I think said it in his ted
talk) but I will say it.
That we are moving into a time were emotions take precedent.

We are done building ramparts and trenches, farms, roads, and we
are moving more into an age where we are seeking emotional fulfillment.

That is the new wealth therfore.

Feeling good, feeling novel feelings, relief from and cures of bad feelings.

So what is my place in this.

I write my ideas for short stories down as they come to me and these convey
interesting technical ideas as well as philosophical and social displays.
However, if I had to say, where does my strength lie when it comes to
expressing what I want to see and experience, it would be my music.

Music that rarely starts from an inspiration but mostly I just
sit down out of boredom to try and DISCOVER a new emotion.

So it’s interesting because the INTERNET has a tendancy to not only
make us less social, but also more distracted and so less bored.

I see the value of the internet as a tool. However, for someone like me
who can function to create at the emotional level, I can’t have something
like the internet holding me back.

It’s also interesting that music is somewhat a social phenomena, the enjoyment
of which is mediated partially by serotonin.

Anyways, I just discovered another reason to focus more on my music.

Iunno, I was pretty scattered this weekend, thinking about my next move.

I concered a lot of big things in a short time.
How my exercise intensity effects my ability to socialize.
How I don’t have to worry about how much anyone values me, in any
circumstance and how freeing that is.
How beyond just doing things I enjoy on my own, life will not be
fulfilling or feel lived with the adventure that comes with other
people and can be shared. How being connected is so important (the
realization I had when I had that cold.)
How achieving with others is not a bad thing as it’s just want inspires
me and it could be really good for everyone.
How all this allows me to focus on my happiness which seems like the
only authentic and strong thing one can do.

All the experiences that confirmed the importance of these insights.

So tonight I was thinking, how could I meet more people I connect with,
I mean if I were to go out of my way to do so.
I though maybe writing club, but then all the writing and ideas that
I might not connect with or even if I do it will only make me feel like,
cool this guy is cool.
If I checked out some of the music majors though. Different story.
Either I don’t like the song and I knwo immediatly, or I’ll really
like it and connect with it and with the person and want to be their friend.

That is the difference.
Deftones vs Terry Goodkind

I mean, I like writers, but I guess I’d mostly like non-fiction ideas than
the fictional stuff.

So that led me to think, well I guess I should be working on my music more
as well. Make things that people can connect with, show people a different
side of reality.

Then I realized, music is a lot like philosophy but for the body.
Iunno, it’s like it’s teaching us things, but just at a really
biological level. This is important I think. Just like exercise
is important even if we aren’t doign actual work. The body seems to benifit
from these primitive devices, as if the organism thrives on them and NOT
on high speed data plans.

Not that the internet doesn’t help. Just that it is a tool.

Sustainable Life: Self Love + Connecting with others = Freedom

So my response to the situation of property leading to a loss of freedom.
We wouldn’t be satisfied if we were each given a planet to roam on our own so more property
is not the answer. The problem was that the natural state of man was one of scarcity were we had to do whatever we could to make sure enough of us survived. That included competing against neighboring tribes and even more, it meant parents pitting the young against each other and placing value judgements(inequality) which became a disease that persisted far beyond the end of scarcity. This disease that remains now is the disease of human connection. It is the reason we still choose property over each other. It is because there was a time when that might have been necessary to retain human life. Human life I guess is paramount over human connection as without life there can be no connection. What we have left is a residual inflammation.
We need to heal that so we can move on, and it’s gonna be fun!

One source of residual inflammation is the compulsion to be loved by someone else. The signal of not being loved stems from a time when there was scarcity and a parent could only love a child who would help the family survive.
If you can stop needing people’s love in the main ways we compulsively do:

Individualization: Praise, admiration, recognition etc
Biological: Sex, sexual appreciation, etc
Philosophical: Bad ideology about your own worth etc, especially based on other peoples selfish views.

To the point where you stop seeking out people for these reasons and stop even striving for goals for this purpose,


If you can focus on things that make you feel love for it’s own sake

Biological: Exercise, sleep, diet
Individualization: This you are just inspired to do
Philosophical: Realizing the only person worth trying to please is yourself, and how liberating it is to not depend on other peoples love for your own happiness.

Then you reach that point of self love and a new form of freedom.

This is freedom is the freedom to connect with another human being and share with them and experience with them and learn from them.

Social guide lines:

You can make yourself happy so you don’t need anyone else to see any value in you beyond your ability to share experiences with them and connect with them. That should be the only prerequisite to being a “friend”. Being able to connect. An

Ask them about themselves. What do they like, what are they doing, etc.
If you already get love from within you don’t need to make any conversation about yourself. You find in them the things you can relate to(might be hard to find in some and may require specific situations where a common interest/need comes to light). So you are not seeking love from them, you are also not necessarily seeking to love them. You are seeking the overlap between you two so you can connect and share based on that. You find the overlap, and you … overlap them, creating a stronger version of that thing. Like how you laugh louder in a theater with other people. Or how two heads are better than one.

This is the new freedom we have. It is the freedom to connect with others and share.

Sustainable Life: What do we know about freedom?

What does freedom mean to you. Ultimate freedom. Locke argues that the natural state of man was one were he was free to do what he wanted. That SOCIETY being created, robbed or forced the sacrifice of this freedom. However, do we really want freedom. Would you chose freedom if it meant being alone? because what do other people have to do with YOUR freedom? so maybe freedom is not as simple as doing what ever we want. If we like people, then our freedom is kind of reliant on what they like as well. I mean if we are connect with them in a positive way. It seems to me that freedom is not that ONE DIMENSIONAL. Freedom is not based on the needs of the individual. Instead it is a composite of that individual and all the people he/she connects with.

Anyways, it makes me think to the celestine prophecy. Like, maybe the connections were not a prophecy of the internet. Maybe it was something IRL that people are just not getting into yet.

Also it could just be a case of follow your needs, were I need more irl company than others so I should just go get it.

Anyways, if we were to look at the world as made up of different dimentions. Or look at the human experience as composed of different dimentions, I would say that with the internet we are mostly stuck on the data dimention butwe need to move on to a more real dimention and then even a hyper real dimention.

By this I mean, There is the irl individual reality. This is composed of the experiences you cna have on your own through interactions with the physical world including man made structures, just not interacting with
people in a two way connection.

Then there is the internet and by this I also mean everything except actually communication with people as it, getting to know them and feeling a two way connection. Even movies and youtube vids would go here. Anything that is not two way communication WITH a sense of real connection.

Then there is the dimention of connection. This is the area I think will become more important in the future but for the moment is be diregarded as people seek to self-actualize (which can actually be impeded if you
are aorund the wrong people, or maybe even the right people at the wrong

I feel like it is important to be able to be in a state of happiness while with people and while alone. I had to FREE myself from a lot of mindset issues and health issues that were holding me back from basic freedom. The freedom to just feel good inside. I mean I usually feel good in genera, but not in a free way. I used to feel good because I had goals that once accomplished, would allow become to feel good about myself and therefore free. Now I just feel good because I’ve figured out why I should just feel good. However, as I learn how to do this I think, what’s next. I just feel like there is more I should be doing than just feeling good, more I want to do. I mean that inspiration has to go somewhere.

So I have feeling good and being inspired + meeting people I can connect with

Connect with on the cool things we are inspired by that is.

So it seems like I’m more interested now, it actually bringing in cool people into my life. I’m not thinking about trying to get sex. I’m not thinking about trying to meet “better” people, to rid myself of the ones I know, ect. I just feel like meeting people, new and old, is the other half of what life is about.

Connecting with yourself is one half
Connecting with others, is the other half.

Meeting someone new can be a very magical experience if you are really in-sync. The conversation will flow and everyone will get to say what they feel is important to say. I guess the only important thing to look out for here is, are you focusing on saying things to prove what you know, to gain respect, admiration, or even understanding? R you speaking to get something out of this? See sometimes I will be talking to someone and it will seem like I will through at them all the cool stuff I know and they will just not think too much of it.

could share my music with someone and the will just go hm that’s nice. Well , what was going on there. Aso, why do I feel it’s so important to share my own stuff with the person, is there any other way of going about this?

I noticed with one good friend of mine, when we hung out, we weren’t as focused on waiting for out chance to speak. Instead we were trying to get more from the other person. I feel things run more smoothly this way. If we try to find what is interesting about each other instead of trying to show off what is interesting about ourselves. Not to mention it’s just good conversation skills. Also another way of looking at this is as a shared experience. Two people coming together to share the experience of the connection, and grow it stronger. Also It’s not about showing ourselves off to one another unless curiosity leads to the questions I described.
It’s about together experiencing LIFE together. So there is freedom where you experience whatever you want, but on your own. Then there is shared freedom, where people experience the overlapping of interests of life together. I feel we are in much need of the second one.

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