Do you think you are awesome…as a defense mechanism?

I recently came to a realization that in a lot of my pursuits I have been trying my best to do everything myself.
A few examples:
Youtube: Wanting to get popular without sharing my channel with my friends or family, actually I think this is understandable though. I talk about stuff I don’t want to have to discuss again with my friends. However, one of the reasons otherwise is simply I want to prove that I can get popular on my own.

Jobs, not really wanting to use my friends to get me a job. I mean here to there is the idea that I wouldn’t want to be putting out any of my friends. However in general a bit thing is that I would want to prove to myself that I could get an awesome job without help.

Women, I’m sure my friends could introduce me to some awesome girls, however I wouldn’t want that. One reason is that would want my relationships to be mine alone, not my friends business. Second though, is that I would want to know that I can develop relationships on my own. It’s partly about freedom, and partly about pride.

To go further about me, I have always been extremely ambitious in a way most people aren’t. I wanted to be a super hero long after most kids grew out of that idea. The I wanted to be at least a super smart genius wizard able to do anything, get anything I wanted, by myself.

I mean it would be freeing to be that type of person, and if it is attainable then why not. Now thing reason is kind of complicated, and maybe it depends on who you are. For me though, the reason is because of the reason WHY I wanted those things in the first place.

First let me just say, that the world can be improved without someon rising up as some super smart person so saying that it is for the good of everyone is not a proper excuse. Everyone has potential, not just an exceptional few.

So the reason for me is that I think I was just using this outlandish desire and view of myself(as I at least identified primarily as having the potential to be this amazing person, me instead of focusing on we) I think the desire arose as a reaction to feeling the opposite at a few points in my child hood. I mean I want to keep my self-confidence and optimism and belief in myself, I think it’s actually important to have that.

What I’ve let go of is the need to prove this potential to the detriment of my social interactions. See the more I focus on trying to be independently awesome, just to prove I can, to my self if no one else, the more I have to avoid the pro-social interactions and bonding that could be had by allowing people to help you and to work with them to accomplish bigger things.

The thing that may have initially started me realizing that I need to change this is…well one is I started jogging which really gives me a more natural sense of self-worth. Next is, and actually one of the reasons I started jogging in the first place, women. I want to have healthy relationships with the opposite sex. I mean I do already for the most part, it’s been trying. Social anxiety get’s in the way but jogging helps with it.

The realization that I can’t have sex by myself and so I will always need a partner for at least that, is a big part of what helped me see the contradiction in my goals. I wanted to prove I was awesome, so that I could feel more comfortable working with others, knowing I’m still valuable on my own.

The other part is that I realized working with others is where a lot of the meaning comes from for me, what a “career” is, and a big part of “living” is. So there was really no escaping the correction. If I wanted the ideal meaningful life, meaningful relationships, meaningful work, I would need other people, and that’s what I want.

Don’t Grab Life By the Horns!/?

So I thought about structure and how there as a lot of things I could do that didn’t require thought meaning I could continue thinking while doing them and so I shouldn’t require so much motivation to do them. Even things like sleep, especially things like laundry, and even things like routine data entry aspects of blog posts etc.

Then I thought, well why do I need all this time to think and is this what my life is really going to be based on? Lately I have been realizing time has been passing while I continue thinking and planning. It feels in a way like I’m not enjoying my life. So I realized, maybe I don’t need to be making so many plans. Maybe I need to spend more time in the moment, and when I do make plans, maybe I should plan out when I will make those plans, so that for the most part I’m not doing this.

It seems like maybe I was using plans and possible goals, as almost like a drug. Fantasizing about who I could become, what I could do. I mean, having goals isn’t really wrong, it’s just that depending on them for happiness, especially when the goals is to find the best possible goal, it seems like there is a risk that I will end up never reaching that goal.

If this happens, then will mostly have wasted my time. However, my goal was also to live the best possible life, which is more achievable I think because it doesn’t depend on outside factors which are always changing. It’s just about I guess reacting to life, and just being. I think a lot of people are urging society to figure out what they want to do. To become fulfilled, to make a difference, to achieve. They stress these things that I guess you could sum up as “grab life by the horns!”.

Well I guess, if life for you is a bull, an animal you need to try your best to control.
However, there is a contrary idea, that what you can control is yourself. That self control, self mastery, leads to freedom. I feel like the whole pua/seduction mindset runs in paralell with the grab life by the horns mentality. Trying to control your environment and control other people.

I am starting to think these things will not be fulfilling for me. Now, this isn’t to say that I wont have goals. What I’m saying is that I will have goals, as a reaction to a want/need. I wont have goals as an end to themselves. I wont have goals just so I can say I’ve achieved goals. I wont have goals just so I can say I’m grabbing life by the horns. Also I feel like trying to find the best path, is like closing oneself off
to possibilities.

Oh, another thing. The way I though about it on the bus was that I had been
spending my life waiting for life to happen. Waiting to figure out how to live so I can do it, waiting until I can meet a nice girl lol, etc. I realized that there is so much of live I’ve been just not experiencing because I’ve been so busy waiting. I guess it would make sense if there was really something I needed to wait for. Well I guess it does make sense because I was waiting for the realization that I didn’t need to
keep waiting, that I was waiting for the arrival of something which is already there.

Although I guess I did expand my mind a lot these last few years, and if I hadn’t I don’t think I would be as happy with not waiting anymore. Anyways, so what I want to do now, is well, not so much stop thinking and live only in the present, but I guess just let go of some idealized future. My hypothesis is that once I stop trying to reach some ideal, I will be able to enjoy what is already infront of me, including the ideas as they come to me, but also just whatever life is.

Basically, not relying on goals for your happiness, allows you to be open to the wonder of the universe, and then that will make you happy. I mean, maybe this wont be the case for all mbti types, or even all types of entp, but for me this seems right. I feel like the time when I was happiest as a kid, although that happiness
was extremely vulnerable, was when I was just open to the universe. Another thing I realized though on the other end of the spectrum is that I don’t really need to be around the most flamboyantly interesting aspects of life to have enjoyment. Infact, there seems to be a point where too much “interesting things”(internet?), but that don’t need to any action, is almost a waste.

I so guess I want goals based on wonder, not on achievement…if that makes sense. Chinese for example, is based on wonder. I think my wonder is very people focused actually…I feel like the thing that holds me back from this wonder, is wanting to utilize it. The best way I guess to deal with this, might be to just only do things that are nessesary, and let the rest be based on when I’m inspired and when not inspired, I can simply be in the moment(which may bring inspiration but if not will atleast feel good).

Also for me, as a wonderer, I feel like my “productivity” is often in my ability to share what I’ve found with others. Otherwise, as has been the case with a lot of my thoughts, they are just in my head. I need to find other reasons to live than just goals. Goals end. See, if I can give up the idea of trying to become something, then  that whole pride thing will go with it, and then there will be nothing holding me back from being as people oriented as I want. See because even if people would say, “why don’t you have your own thing” I can say,
“I don’t need or want my own thing” or”you are my thing, get used to it”.

Si and imaginative memory

I checked out some deviant art pics, and saw some really cool fractal art and I tried imagining I was in the picture and realized, like when I was a kid, I can still do this to some degree. The result is an actual feeling, a feeling of being present physically, in that space.

I thought about how fractals could be more Ne depending on how novel the specific fractal was, but maybe the feelings of color, space, structure etc could be Si?

Well, I definitely want to pay more attention to both my imagination, and the imaginations of others. So the periods of relief from boredom maybe should have lot’s of music and art as their focus. (if I do a hermetic process of periods of boredom and then fun)

Being able to go into a picture like that, and enjoy it so deeply. It makes me wonder if maybe that is what people should be learning how to do more of, instead of trying to create the physical products. I just wonder, what would the results be, of focused imagining.

Another thing is that power of psychadelics as I hear it described seems to remind of of things that improve Si. Hallucinations, emotional centering, reduced depression that last well after the drug is taken, for example.

Also in terms of building an ISTJ like memory power, if even possible, being able to put oneself into the scene of a mnemonic story or image, meaning see the scene as if you are there, is probably the thing needed.

This allows a few things I can think of.

1. It means you get to immerse in something that is (hopefully) exciting and intriguing so that you are gaining experiences that you could not have without this imagining. Ne

2. Since you are sensing the scene, from inside your mind, I guess this means you are using Si? So is this kind of like a Ne-Si connection. Also is it like a substitute for dreaming.

Motivation Strategies

One of the most important is simply being sure of what you want to accomplish, and sure of what you are willing to sacrifice (namingly, the distractions, things that feel good short term but really hold you back from fulfilment).

For instance, be sure you want to head in a general direction of making a living through whatever means you’ve chosen, AND have learned that video games are no longer fulfilling and so worth sacrificing. Just an example.

Also what I learned recently, is to look at what I need to feel fulfilled, critically. I mean, I was reading this blog were a lady pointed out all the passionate artists including herself who DID somepoint end up nearing the starving artist senario. She then decided she shouldn’t love her passions more than they loved her back, meaning if they can’t provide her basic needs…I guess this is obvious, but going in it probably wasn’t.

I just realize though that for me passions are there but making a living off of them isn’t really a necessity. That would be like trying to use a hammer to solve every problem. I am focusing on web development front end because not only is this an in demand job, but the skills for it can be used to support my passions as well. For instance, blogging, photography, music, etc.

Next, and this lady I was talking about before mentions this too, that in finding something that can support you, you may find in it/through it, something you love, but just couldn’t see until you did it. I have a variation on this which is that sometimes it helps to start with the title page, or the design and appearance of something, because it can then motivate you to build it out further into something real. Like, once I build the front of a website, if it’s really beautiful I think, “if only it was a functioning site…”, and this is motivation to turn it into one. Steve Jobs started with this process for Apple as well, creating the appearance of the device first, and fitting all the functionality into it.

This might not work for everyone , but for me since I have a large appreciation for beauty, this is a huge motivator for me.

The next huge motivator for me, is music, another form of beauty. I am realizing that a lot of that vibe I got from video games and anime and movies that made me want to be in that world, was the music. The music adds a lot of meaning to the experience, a lot of emotion.

I feel like I’m at the point where I only want to do things that further me towards my goals. Although I still like to check out the odd anime. So it’s like, all that is missing is that the pursuit of my goals not leave me feeling empty. Music helps greatly with this, as does working on things that will be aesthetically pleasing.

Not sure how I came to view web dev as a good option actually lol, I guess I’ve been considering it for a long time though. Out of all the options, I guess web dev seems like the one that’s most likely to work out in the near future, which is I guess important for me as I’m in adult hood and still at home. Also it’s a skill that runs paralell with my personal goals in many ways. It’s actually the only thing keeping me from acting on many of my other goals, as if I could just create communities around my interests I’d be able to do a lot.

I’m just trying to figure out why this is such a good solution for me. I’m sure it won’t be the answer for everyone so I’m taking a birds eye view on what is bringing me to this decision. I guess it’s just that though, that it’s inline with my personal goals, including my long term goal for personal freedom to work how I please and on what I please.

I still plan to attend school for psych/phil because I like school. However, I am expecting my job to be in web dev well before anything comes out of my traditional education.

It’s interesting that this goal and how it would be a skill I might want to learn on my own anyway, is not one that is strictly a passion. It’s like a support for a passion. It seems a lot of artists etc focus only on their skills as artists. The ones who do are I guess specialists and if that is the case them most likely they are devoted enough and will get where they want.

I on the other hand I guess I’m more of a generalists. I dabble in lot’s of things, although I do feel I have some areas where I am doing extremely well. It’s more like, I WANT to be able to do everything, and so this kind of includes the things that I’m not passionate about in an artistic way, but appreciate for their value. So maybe that type of characteristic is what would lead someone to find jobs that build skills that support their passions without strictly being their passions. Hm! lol.

The exploration Mindset: Making Boring things fun and feel like not a waste of time

It isn’t hard to imagine that if you go into something trying to explore, you will come up with something interesting eventually. Also, everything is connected, if you are looking for connections, you should find them…although trying to find connections can sometimes be like iunno, work? lol However, I feel like it can turn into more of a day dream once a connection or something interesting is found, so that from there it is smooth sailing.

So the technicalities. One I thing I’ve just realized, is that when I’m trying to learn something I might need to actively stop and explore my experience, instead of just continuing to try and cram my head with stuff.

Just like mindfulness when if you are in a bad mood, you can explore that mood and it becomes less bad,exploring the mood is different from just experiencing it.

So! I tried exploring and it felt ok. What happened was I started with zhongwen.com and was just reviewing, then I went onto some new characters, but instead of just going through a bunch I started asking questions about each one like “what is the main concept?” “do you have anything to add to this observation?” “can you give three observations about this character?” “does any thing come to mind that this idea relates to in your life?”

This kinda helped for the first 2 or 3. Then I came to one where I really had very little to say. So what I did was I moved on to the words it was used in, and obseverved those, then the characters in those,
and the words they were used in. So I ended up taking notes on I guess 10 characters, 7 of which are part of words. I still feel a kind of stress from this, like I feel that lump in my throat or the need to swallow…however I feel like if I can explore endlessly and voraciously, only trying long enough to
TEST if there is something interesting, befor moving on, maybe I will be able to keep some kind of interest.

Also, after that, I though, well I have a comic book I can read now I guess I’ll do that. However, then that felt like, too easy. Like, it felt like just eating candy or something unhealthy but that tasted good. Iunno. I wonder if maybe the exploration mindset is healthy, and the mindless entertainment is unhealthy, and if I can somehow switch to only exploring. It feels like, with the exploration mindset, it’s challenging yes, but it’s also like I am responsible for my own fun, instead of sitting back to be entertained by someone else. I have to find the fun, the interesting aspects of what I’m working on. This is good because if I can do this, the “interesting things” will be probably more valuable than things I didn’t have to work to notice or discover and that are closer to common knowledge anyway.

I just started a Mandarin Blog

Before I get to the Mandarin:

I’ll get to the mandarin in a second, first I wanna talk about art. I realized that when doing art and I guess music as well, I am way more motivated when working towards a goal that I will benefit from, rather than just practice. I find I learn pretty fast already and that I can learn things as I go. Practicing just to be practicing…to possible “master” something eventually, doesn’t appeal to me as much and I think that holds me back from any practice at all. So I realized I should probably focus on acquiring skills through purposeful use of them.

The Mandarin(not the restaurant…unless you are asking me out. In either case the following bracket is to close this aside, not to create a sad face with the colon that follows it):

Now for the mandarin bit, if you haven’t guessed already. I decided I should try to find a way to do the same for mandarin, and I realized one of the best ways would be to create a journal. Btw, I can’t help but notice my art ideas(a comic at least) and my Mandarin ideas (blog) are both very social in nature and I am motivated by this I THINK, but I wasn’t a few weeks ago…like back when I wasn’t on nofap. Just throwing that out there as it’s (common)knowledge that testosterone is a pro-social hormone.

Anyways, so as soon as I started making that first post I realized, wow there is a lot of review going on here. First I have to copy and paste from google translate, double checking the characters seem to say what I want to say. Also I can look at the pinyin for the words. Then I have to copy and paste the keywords again for tags. Then I have to search for keywords in the categories, or in this case add new ones as I had no categories as it was my first post.

I think  should do more of this, just immersing myself in Chinese, using it in my life. Using it to express myself.

Aesthetic Appreciation and Sex Drive

First I’m gonna through some links at ya…:

This is where some guys describe how they are more sensitive to music after ejaculation: http://www.quora.com/Why-do-I-become-very-sensitive-to-music-right-after-I-ejaculate

This is an article about how artists have more sexual partners and that the number of partners is positively correlated to how seriously they pursue their artistic direction:http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/health-news/does-creativity-depend-on-raging-hormones-520787.html

Here is another about musical appreciation after ejaculation: https://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20140327134618AAFBkwt

Now, what I want to discuss may not be so clear from these links because it is related to something I’ve realized while doing this NoFap thing. It is that when I am masturbating normally, I am more musical, or so it seems. I started creating music again with a vengeance after I started masturbating again after a 2 year celibacy/nofap period. During the no fap period I don’t recall creating any music. As well, now that I have started another round of nofap I find myself becoming less interested in making music…but that could just be coincidental and it’s probably too soon to say.

However, what I think could be said, is that while on nofap I become more fashion conscious. Beyond that I feel I become more aware of visual aesthetics in general, at lease when it comes to women, but I think just generally.

Let me throw this philosophical link at ya, which talks about nietzshe describes a subconscious will made up of sex drive and artistic desire which he believes has the power to transform a person, society, world,etc: http://artintelligence.net/review/?p=824

I wonder about this. How important aesthetics are. I know I value beauty highly. The thing is, there seems to be this attitude among lot’s of people that beauty is just a luxury. However, I believe it is far more than that. Not just because of passion, or psychosomatic effects, but for abstract, algorithmic secrets that beauty holds which even if we only sense in what seems to be a primitive appreciation, is actually a path we can follow to new ways of being.

Now for some reflection:

For a long time I have thought, if I’m going to dress really cool, like a video game character level of cool, then shouldn’t I also be doing video game level stuff, like action packed saving the world type stuff? Otherwise it’s like all bark and no bite. Flashy but ineffective. Etc.

Now though what I realize is that to create beauty, you have to have power already, which everyone does, it’s personal power we all have. We have power, to express our beauty. So Beauty implies power. However, power does not imply beauty, at least in the terms people think of power to be, such as nuclear arms, money, etc. Although if we later realize that beauty is the true source of happiness, even in some abstract way, then we can maybe say the nuclear arms and money are actually not power at all if they are used by someone who doesn’t want to create and express beauty, because they are dis-empowered in not wanting to do so.

Anyways, what I think now, is that we need to be our own type of hero, not the type people make action films about, unless that need actually arises in your life. The type of hero I feel is needed in mine is the type that is authentic in their appreciation of beauty, and works to build that through their lifestyle, and grow in powers of expressing that into their world to the benefit of them and everyone else who can appreciate it.

aesthetics and diagrams, obfuscation and fun

Based on the half dream I’ve been having for the last
few hours where I’ve somehow been mulling over the idea of
creating art out of a learning experience.

I remember one part where I had created a website? or maybe
more of a digital art collage? but with parts you could
click on to make things happen.

It was very intersting and beautiful, and seemed to be filled
with images that were symbolic of concepts and were connected
together. SO it was kind of like an artistic diagram.

I think it was a lot of electronic concepts actually…but maybe
other things as well.

Also my music “what age means” was playing along with it.
I either was displaying it to others, or imagining the time when
I might do so, and it was inspiring.

Now that I’m awake I find a paralell to the way I’v been trying to
learn hanzi which is that I’ve been making diagrams that show the
connections, and I plan to use a ruler to make even neater looking
diagrams as they actually seem like the most beautiful thing in
my journal.

Also the diagram was almost like a game, or a movie, I remember,
like it was fun and an experience. That would be good for
a method of study. To create something I enjoy re-experiencing.

I enjoy reexperiencing my music, that’s for sure.

This is interesting though, because it’s like I got a glimse
of a possibility, one that could be revolutionary in learning and
art and I guess in my life, and now I can try working backwards to figure
out how to get there.

So, if I want to create an experience I’d enjoy again, well what seemed
to really help in the dream was that the music went directly with the
images…so I guess it was animation…so like, like amvs??!!

That could be awesome, because I enjoy watching my amvs repeatedly!

Poetry was like…one level above simple diagrams, in the artistic sense,
but I struggled to make them fun to recite as they seemed devoid of
artistic expression.

It could be that my artistic expression is more logical and so creating
stories and poetry that don’t express logical things, things worth
understanding, it ends up being not relevant or meaningful to me.

So maybe, like the hanzi diagrams, it would be better to focus on
making the method of diagraming, more beautiful, instead of
obfuscating the knowledge with art. So, using art in a way that
enhances understanding instead of the opposite.

So for example, the pie chart, could be seen as a form of aesthetics
simply because it’s a way of symbolizing something visually that is
more EFFICIENT(as efficiency and beauty are related).

rhyme works, when linking relevant facts together. However, rhyme that
links facts together but through adding in irrelevant untasteful information
, might not be as beautiful.

animation works well because it is a way of visualizing something that
otherwise wouldn’t be visualized. Along with sound effects, music,
and art in the drawing of symbolic images, it because very aestehtically
pleasing, some times even creating a whole other world around the
concept when the animation, sound fx ect come together well enough. Then
there is no need for extra irrelevant information.

This can be seen as an ENTP goal actually. By that I mean, it could
be a thing that all entps are built to do somehow, or that is on of their
highest forms of self expression. For example, Steve jobs revolution
of Apple, and pixar, was at is base, about this. Adding aesthetics
to the expression of information.

Leonardo Da Vinci was also about this, or at least his drawings
of inventions in his notebooks etc, and the way he painted, it was
conveying information in the most effective way possible.

It could be why I like electronics more than programming…because I
get to see more diagrams in electronics. Even the actually creation
of deviced, involves wiring connections together between different
components.

Maybe if programming could be done in this wayWow, with code blocks
connected together. Even parts of algorithms should be visualized
as components. Actually, even math itself could be visualized as
being made up of components. Even philosophy could be.

Wow, I learned so much by going to bed early…enough that I woke up
3 hours in to write all this.

When I look at the diagrams in my hanzi journal, they just seem like
…like expensive. Like the most expensive thing in my journal, the
most significant. (also it’s the only thing written in pen lol, but
still.

So maybe, to me, I enjoy the expression of connectedness, or at
least I am more sensitive to it, than most people, and so it is
art, and beautiful, to me.

So maybe I can enjoy learning anything, if I can just express the
connections between things within and between feilds in the most
effiecient way possible.

This is a new form of communication so I wonder if it could
become it’s own language somehow lol.

As I searched for the word “obfuscated” I came across the
international obfuscated c contest. It’s so cool. It actually
would make programming fun…For one thing it is actually comical
in a way that is smart so it’s like…a new and maybe improve form of
comedy. Second it’s so creative and it’s a creativity for the
purpose of entertainment, and possible even just fulfillment in
ones ability to create something so crazy.

It’s weird that so many programmers seem so passionate about just
creating things that are functional. I feel like obfuscated c is
way more fun and maybe even a better learning experience, beyond when
you want/need to know something. I’ve searched programming poetry
before and while the philosophy was cool sometimes, the actually idea
of doing it was not. It seemed like it would just take energy away from
me. It didn’t present a specific challenge where I would gain energy and be
inspired by, but instead it seemed draining as poetry without reason
often seems draining.

Obfuscated c on the other hand is like, purposely doing meaninglessly complex
stuff. It is actually like a skill that you can develope and it’s
actually comical and fun.

It’s almost like an attack on the standardization of programming,
and for me just the irrelevance of programming to my life.

I mean, the dullest thing I’ve learned so far is making data based
for websites. However, if I gave myself permission to create the
most messed up databases, maybe I could actually enjoy
the learning process at least.

Really what obfuscated c seems to do is it opens my mind to creative
possibilities without limiting it to things that are needed by the
real world or following real world standards of efficiency. Basically
it brings the imagination back into the equation where otherwise I
would always be depending on someone else’s idea of how things should
be done. Now the whole goal of programming is to do things the way
they “shouldn’t be done” which means I can use every possible peice
of information and weave it all into doing something the wrong way,
because the wrong way, becomes right.

Why is the wrong way fun? So I think it’s because it’s not limited to
someone else’s methodology for one, but for two it’s because it depends
on you ….

just wow…I mean I wish I had thought of that earlier, like, instead
of learning from books, I could just do things the wrong way on purpose,
trying to see how wrong I could do it.

So theses are two ways of learning. One is using art to communicate
ideas more efficiently and it will be beautiful. The other is to
use ideas in the least efficient way on purpose, and using
creativity to make them the most ineffiecent, and this will
be comical.

Actually, obfuscated c reminds me of how I play mtg. I try to pick really
weird cards or combinations and make them work. So when I do this,
the game becomes about my deck making ability as much as my play
ability. I don’t do it in a funny way nessesarily, but more like a way
to challenge myself. I guess it helps that mtg is social, but still I
wonder if I could do the same with obfuscated c. Instead of going for
comical, go for something different that expresses me. Like how I go
for making music that is more obscure sounding. I can express myself in
code by my choices of what tools to use for a specific job, instead of
going for the tools recommended. In this way I also would be making
mini challenges like, “do this part without using printf” etc.

I wonder though, because this seems more social than more art related
things…

Well also I guess it’s just that, duh the right or best way of doing things
is often not that hard to figure out. It’s not as challenging, at least
for my style which looks for more possibilities, as trying to make
somethign more “interesting”.

So really it’s not about it being “detail oriented”, it’s about
it being to common knowledge…I like exploring what is possible,
and the way to do that in programming, at least until I reach some
master level where I just know how things should be done better than
anyone else, unless/until that happens it’s best to flex my creative
muscles through obfuscation and doing things in different ways
regardless of what is more efficietn, but just focusing on what could
actually be possible outside of how things are usually done.

So for things based on logic such as strategy games, programming etc,
artistic expression seems to come through individual choice in how to
do things. So it’s best to give ourselves permission to do things
in whatever new and creative ways we want in order to express ourselves.

In music and other fine arts this plays a role, but also individual
tastes like musical tastes, play a big role.

In things like physical labour, artistic expression seems to come
, at least for me, from a combination of pure physical intensity, and
creative efficiency of momevement.

Now, artistic expression in the actual learning process, that seems to
be more about just the way the information is laid out.

Actually the idea of obfuscation can be applied in many interesting
ways it’s so cool that I just found this through googling and that
google autocorrecting to the “ed” ending helped me get there.

I could make a store, that is made of CSRs who standing in formations
to create iles etc.

I could also make a store where everything is just drawn in the snow
but have security gaurds protecting it, being really serious.

JUst taking a goal, and finding very weird ways of accomplishing that
goal. That is one power I have that most people don’t and that people
will probbaly find very useful or at least entertaining.

If I want adventure, that is one really good way of getting it.
I feel like that is the kind of thing I would do in video games
but should also do in real life more. STYLE! Cool style!

Also, to obfuscate can mean, to make dark/(er). So in a way it is
gothic. It is venturing out into the unknown, the unbeaten path,
the mysterious, and expressing that, maybe in a way becoming that.

I have two things now to think about. Perposeful obfuscation,
and aesthetics diagraming. Both are interesting and seem fun.
One seems more fun in the moment though and more connected to
doing. Although, AH, I could use obfuscation in my creation of
diagrams maybe…but not in a way that adds irrelevant info, just
that that form of organiziation could be more obfuscated.

Meaning you might have to work harder to extract the meaning,
but it would be interestin to create, and could lead to
actually innovation in creatin diagrams. IUnno.

Brings me to think of entps as dancing with death but maybe more
accuratly, with darkness, as we search the darkness, the unknown, through
ourselves, for new possibilities, where as most people are content to
just use what is known and there already.

Work = Fulfillment (Work, not success, not specific goals, just working)

I’m going to throw out some ideas here:

1. Working and living can be seen as synonymous when looked at in a kind of abstract and primitive way. I mean, we live because our cells “work”. Everything we do is based on every cell in our body “working”. So you could say the more we work, the more alive we are. More to this in number 3.

2. In many instances, we choose not to work hard because we assume it will feel worse than not working at that time. We are often mistaken about this. For example, if you don’t feel up to a jog or walk but do it anyways you will often feel better, happier, as the jog progresses (assuming you jog for a limited time like 30min). So we can often assume that even though we don’t feel up to something such as work, there is the possibility that we could enjoy it, if we just did it, or even did it with the goal of enjoying it(working out harder because you know the chemicals will flow stronger and you will feel happier faster).

3. We often find fulfillment in playing games, but when it comes to a career, we struggle to find one that will be fulfilling. Why is it that games that have no real world impact can be more fulfilling that careers, work that is based in the real world. It stands to reason that what is really fun and fulfilling in then is being active, feeling challenged, working, etc, more than what that work is, and what impact it has on society. However if we think it’s not enough to just work on SOMETHING, then we wont think we should even be doing it. Doing things we think we shouldn’t be doing, that we think of as wastes of time, would result in the opposite of a rewarding experience. This advice might not be for everyone as some personality types learn early on what they want to do. However, other types seem infinite and ever expanding possible list of options. Here I wonder, is it the things you do that will make YOU feel happy, or that you are doing?

4. Sometimes we divide our focus between goals that are in conflict with each other. There are many kinds of conflict but a basic form of conflict is of reward circuitry. If you achieve a goal that rewards you extensively without being fulfilling, such as porn/drugs, etc, then you will not have any reward chemicals left for things that will be fulfilling. Depending on who you are of course. If you remove all the “distractions” that compete for you reward resources, would you be left with only the desire to work?

5. Many people who are not able to do as much work, don’t have the motivation, etc, wish they did. They wish they could do more and are trying to figure out how. We(generalizing) have an intrinsic motivation for growth, and productivity. Once this motivation wins over the other distractions, we should find ourselves un-able to live any other way.

6. We need to either believe in ourselves, and/or be willing to experiment, to see what we can accomplish and even enjoy if we put our minds to it.

7.  You may notice you have self-talk about how certain work is not enjoyable and fulfilling, which you wouldn’t have even categorized as self-talk because it seems like just logic. If you can remove this, and replace it with commands to yourself to work, you will work.

8. Another way to look at this is to observe that when you seek out instant gratification through drugs, and other stimulation, your brain get’s worse at making you happy. However, when you seek out challenges like exercise and intellectual challenges, things where you have to push yourself, push against resistance, against the initial negative emotions, your brain get’s better at making you happy. At least, if you are taking up those challenges willingly.

9. So with all these things in mind it stands to reason that the best way in reach a state of being where you feel fulfilled, would be to just start working on something. Anything. Well, anything that is work, that is hard, and that will result in completion, production, achievement. Like like how we work out using weights, not building houses, we should set out to live  a fulfilling life by doing challenging work, not work that is necessarily the most “meaningful” as that can always change. I’m not saying don’t do meaningful things, of course you should. I’m saying don’t depend on them to shape your productive lifestyle, but use productive work as a form of training for growth, independent of what might be meaningful. So, do work, and maintain focus on doing work, with the belief or hypothesis that doing this will lead to enjoyment of this and therefore fulfillment.

Productivity: Complete it in a Day”

Summary: For certain long term goals, especially learning, create relevant projects that you can complete in a day, and then every day create and complete one of those, eventually forming a collection of completed projects that are the equivalent of that goal, in scope.

Link: This concept comes partly from : http://blog.programmersmotivation.com/2014/06/19/beginner-programmer-want-learn-programming-start-build-crap/

I just notice that as a motivational tool it applies to any job. It’s that as long as you start and complete something (I say the same day but just sooner rather than later) you will reap the reward of having something you have produced. By this I mean, you will have done something REWARDING.

For instance, think about video games with levels short enough they can be COMPLETED in one sitting. Enemies are defeated (completion). Items are discovered and COLLECTED. ( Being able to collect something seems to be motivated as well. I wonder if this is because as you collect more things you gain more reference to which of those things are better/worse. Is there a relationship also between collecting and personal history maintenance or something?

When you lift weights, you COMPLETE sets. I could go on about all the things where you achieve a form of completion within the same day and how you remain motivated to start of the same task again. As well, I could also probably find many things where if you don’t complete said task, it has a negative psychological if not psychosomatic effect. Failing reps in a set of weight lifting for example. Task based work is far more addictive than long haul things or leaving things incomplete.

I notice my music making productivity has increased a lot ever since I decided that when I make a song I’ll just do it the same day, same sitting, etc, unless inspired otherwise. Also that I’ll see it as exploration rather than trying to make it as good as possible, although I’m exploring what sounds good of course.

I wonder if I could apply this concept to all the goals I have. Just try to make and complete a thing related to my goal. I mean, when it comes to goals that would take a long time to complete otherwise. I instead set up a new standard of achievement for myself by first choosing completable versions of that longer goal. This is important, it’s not mini-goals. It’s full on finished products. Just that I stick with products that can be achievable in one sitting, or two, and that are versions or related enough to the long term goal that eventually they could make up that longer term goal.

For example, instead of a game with 100 different elements. Create 100 games, each with one of those elements. I mean, you can do more if you actually want to. I also imagine it being helpful and more fun, to slowly increase the difficulty of the tasks, but not like, first task takes 1 day, second task takes 10 days. I mean, 1 min increase/day on average, or just being able to do more in the same amount of time because you know more. Keeping it really easy.

Another way to do this is just set a minimum of completing a daily task in one of the areas you want to focus on, and let the other areas be bonus. This way if you really feel like working longer on the first task like if you get a jolt of creativity or are just bored and want to keep things interesting, and you go overtime it’s cool. Iunno about this yet tho.

My inspiration for this is seeing some really productive people out there and wanting that for myself, but also wanting it to be fun or at least be able to keep my motivation. Doing things in this task based way I think has the potential even to become a form of adventure. I mean, I would be doing something different every day for sure, and I would be finishing everything I start. I would be able to look back on what I’ve done before. Watch the collection grow.

If I were to do this, it would help to not allow myself time to do as much random entertainment, which is fine because I guess I’ve already been not doing random entertainment. I have a concept of how good it would feel to be doing awesome things all the time, and I want that, so I guess that is helping me reach this point of figuring out how to make that lifestyle work for me. I would also incorporate school into this.

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