Focusing on “The Body” After dream interpretation (A few days late in posting)

Last night i had a dream that my mom was urging me to have my arms amputated and rewired to cybornetic arms. She was telling me I needed to do this because of the threat of some sort of bone disease thatthere was a chance i would eventually getlater on in life if I didn’t. I was really scared but actually considering it. I asked someone, a nurse? or iunno, because where was this happening, i thought it was at home, about if they use anesthetic and they said something about pain killers lol. I was thinking about doing it since i had all this meditation practice from before and thought I shouldnt’ have to be so scared.

I think I left without giving a definit answer, maybe I said later I’ll c or something. Then I think in the basement of my room, I took off my shirt and i had all this black stuff attached to my back, like a black thick mold covering it like tar. So I started scraping it off with m fingers. Next I walked into a good friend’s house and into the basement or somewhere and two other good friends where there and I think they were offended that I just showed up and walked into his house like that but I don’t think I even appologized.

Today I learned about rembrant’s painting of a philosopher and a woman making him tea and I feel like it’s something I would cry if I could lol. It felt like it was my mom and me in a way. Then later that good friend who’s house I was in, in the dream, irl texted me what’s new. and we get into a very intellectual discussion and I used this as an opportunity to see if maybe there was something there in terms of life and goals. Well by the end of the conversation, he was entertained by the debate as was I.

LaterI read this forum post and…

I think I need to try and make time for everything, or just a lot of things. That is what I’m getting from this entp blog I’m reading and I like the idea. He has like 16 things he does every day. Most of which are self-improvement oriented. It makes sense for a lot of reasons. For one, I don’t get too focused on one thing and deny myself improvements in other areas. I also leave enought time for all hobbies. I also low myself the chance to improve and feel success and the new experiences these successes lead to. It’s just the time management that might be hard. Also his thing is making it a lifetime adventure. So for lnaguage learnig for instance he will always be learning one a language I guess.

heh, actually he is an entj, but it got me thinking anyways and now I’m going to go for it. It’s like organizing my own development instead of relying soley on chance. Chance will happen anyways. However, I want to be able to have habits of purposeful development, that I can count on.

That could also have relevance to the dream I had. My mom telling me I should get robotic arms for my own good. Habits are kind of like being robotic, automated. So like, if I were part machine, I would be better. The next day were the teacher refered to the painting my rembrant, he said something about “The body”, but also that having to do with slaves and workers building up a nation. So following routines is kind of like being a slave to yourself. To what the future would be if you didn’t have those routines.

Also there is the fact that in the dream the robot hands also represented my anxieties for the 3 years of college and the year leading up, where I did become amazing at habits. I do feel like in some ways I have not been able to get back to that level as far as habits, and self-control. I think it would be cool, as long as I didn’t have to sacrifice too much. I just need a balance. For instance, what’s 25 minutes of not day dreaming per day. Not
a big deal, especially if it will net me other opportunies that lead to inspiration. What’s staying up late if the thoughts I think then are less useful and insightful. As long as I make daily habits that allow enough time to myself, I wont be sacrificing my time. Just getting the most out of it. If I have 5 hrs instead of 10, I’ll usually
fit 10 hrs of daydreaming into 5. However, If I have NO time, then I’ll feel it, unless I end up just daydreaming as I work…and this is another thing. If I can day dream and think while I work in many cases, then maybe I don’t need as much time to myself as I have though.
I just need to get used to thinking about two things at once or something. Like when I make music and I can still think about whatever else I want. So, if I became part robot, basically if I could have automatic processes of success, then it would be like achieving what the dream was urging me to. Not only that, but then I would be able to say to everyone else, that they need learn how to do these things as well. Become part robot. Do it, because it
is the only way to find peace? freedom? Yes, because is giving up a form of freedom? I don’t know. I think being able to work at anything indefinitly, and improving, and eventually enjoying it, is closer.

Basically be ok with doing things that are hard. If you have that, that mental strength,  if everyone had that mental strenght, AND they were willing to cooperate instead of compete, we would truly have a utopia. Forget about finding that ONE THING that yu truly love. Learn to love doing all the things you need to do to improve. Learn to make it a habit. Being able to work even when no rewards are forth coming but hoping they will come eventually.
That is freedom.

Then later I thought basically that since rembrant was also being thought to be representing the woman in teh paint to be the body of society and the philosopher to be the head, it would make sense that just as in the paining, and in the dream(in a twisted way I guess) I could focus more on my body. I’m sure my mom would respect that decision.

Well by the end of that night i had come down with a cold, but I had just picked up many vitamins ad healthy foods so I should be ok by tmr. Well hopefully. So this focus on the body(which I plan/ed to have as a goald of being as healthy as humanly possible) actually transitions nicely to my latest post where I talk about how I gain energy from beautiful ambience (music, room decor), and so yeah it fits in that way as well.

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Indie game lifestyle

I took b6 200mg and a large capsule of omega 3, I feel so good approximately 3 hrs later even though technically I am coming down with something.

Here are my thoughts after a lot of thinking. Point form baby…only till it’s not…

If I were to focus on sex, I would say I should make money to get my own place to have sex in all the time.

If I wanted money I would have to find the things I’m good at or that will most efficiently get me that money.

For me I am best at the things I enjoy.

I realize then that these things would be things like artsy musicky stuff, and ideas and philosophical stuff.

Beyond that, just being around people who like to think about interesting things get’s me fired up and passionate.

Like a muse.

Many people in interesting yet technical areas (the areas where it’s easiest to make money it seems), are cool with working alone.

I feel one of my strengths is being able to work with other people and add ideas etc, to whatever the project, I kind of mold to fit, as long as it’s interesting.

Well, society, as far as the image I’ve been getting, in most technical industries, does not prize this thing that I’m so good at. How could they, if they are the leaders, if they call the shots. How could they want someone who is the shot-caller as far as ideas is concered.

So it could be that the thing I need to focus on producing is a way to get to share my ideas with the people I like doing so with, without all this red tape.

So how would I go about doing that?

Well, I’m willing to work for free, just to meet those people, assuming it will be fun enough.

I’m willing because I’m willing to but the idea of money and sex on the back burner for how ever long it takes to get this part of my life sorted out, to the point where people do appreciate what I have to offer.

Basically I will be selling myself.

SO what area would I work in exactly, where I meet these people, and do these primarily sexless activities, u don’t ask?
(or maybe you do….hm)

Well, it would be in areas I enjoy working in and with people I like.

Now I’ve thought long and hard about so many areas I enjoy, music, art, acting,stories,poetry,film,philosophy…
These are all well and good, I will come back to why they are not enough in a second.

Some how I ended up shifting my focus to what technical stuff I could possibly do by myself. I realized though that even if there were such a thing, it would probably not be something we have now. What I mean is, as a kid, breaking open a computer to see how it worked would have been magical. Now though, I would need something bigger. So big, that no one can offer it too me. However, if you think about it, through my own thinking, I offer it to myself, and hopefully, to some of you.

Back to the many other areas I enjoy. I left one out intentionally, one that came to me as I shat. As I shat, or maybe I was already finished I can’t remember it was a blur, I thought of something fun I could do. I could make a youtube video of me reading a book in the dark with a light. Just have a flash light going over the words. It would be like if we were kids and didn’t want our parents to know we were still up, but I could also have cool resident evil music playing with it

Then I said, what if I made it a gameboy color playing pokemon yellow, and at intervals, you hear footsteps like my parent was coming so I had to turn off the light and turn down the volume, etc.

Then I realized, I was making a game. Games seem to be able to incorporate most other fun things somehow which is very interesting. It almost makes games a higher order form of entertainment.

Not only that, but I feel like what we are all searching for in life, or at least me, is more fun things. I want my job to be a fun thing. Well, in focusing on ways to make my life fun, focusing on my health so I’m happier, etc, I have been in effect gamifying my life. However, un-like most people who can just go out and that is fun, for me, I have kind of bee expecting to find a way of making my whole life feel like a game.

I must admit, the biggest thing in that regard I think is health. If u are super healthy, just below euphoric, all the shit about what to do with your life, stops being so frustrating and becomes something fun to work towards. Like a game.

So this makes me think that if I have been trying to make my whole life a game already, I should be able to create games on levels below that, and enjoy those. In effect turning my life into a bunch of mini games that I make and subsequently play or at least share with others to play. Mean while all this will be going on with the overarching theme of a big game, as long as I remember that health is important, as well as the way we look at life.

I will want to work with other people as soon as possible. However, especially because I need to test my level of commitment to this path, it might be cool to try making original game concepts on my own, maybe just sharing them though so I don’t become anti-social.

I wouldn’t just be making games that are for the computer though, although there are some I think would be cool. I really would love it if I could make games that are played in the real world somehow.

Also it’s interesting that the most likes I have for anything on youtube is not based on any of my over 100 videos, but it is…well there is one comment about going to another country that somehow got lot’s of attention, but which didn’t happen. Then there is a comment where I share my idea for adding a game feature to youtube. This comment still has replies coming, 8 months later.

I also find it interesting because the human drive for pleasure may be the greatest of all, iunno, and gaming seems to be the biggest source of it for many people, but it needs some fresh perspective.

Post-Capitalism: Intrinsic Motivation: Finding mine in school

I had this theory that the universe was based on randomness and duplication. If this were true it would make sense that the two things that would help me thrive would be the motivation for sex(duplication) and for awe(unpredictable?) Still the the idea that it is a “competition” between those two drives doesn’t seem that efficient. However, it feels like what they guy from personality junkie said about NPs is sound in that a lot of the ideas I come across seem almost by accident like it is the universal impulse.

Now, I could just try to focus on reading the text books and doing the homework for the possible ideas I will stumble on and the connections I happen to make. I am working to motivate myself from within an educational system that is not built specifically for me so I have to figure out how to work it. Or maybe the system is fine, and it’s just like jogging where I have to get used to it.

The other possibility is that the universe is made up of not randomness but a system. This makes sense in that the big bang would be a cause, and the rest would be the effect. So if we rewound this to the start and initiated the same bang, we would get the same result. So it isn’t random is it?

It makes more sense that the human then is a system with an urge for duplication
among other elements of it’s system.

My question was, does it make sense for me to have a specific goal, or is it
better to just focus on learning more. Goals are what brought me here in the
first place. Maybe “here” is the goal.

I’ve thought about this before actually. It’s good to have goals that come
to you, but trying to seek out goals to have seems like not the best idea.
It seems unessesary.

Also, why do I get so much more motivation in class where as at home I don’t
just sit around reading the text book. Well, it could be that exchanging ideas
with other people, exressing my ideas, IS a goal for me. If this were the case
it would be good as the more the ideas flow the more can be done for society.
Also my motivation for studying outside of class would be to be ahead so I can
keep up with the conversation and say my peice.

I guess also I could go online and start a blog and try to get other people to
read it etc but that might be too much work for too little reward. Iunno.
It would be a fun side project though, at least in the fun classes. Also yes,
some classes are more fun and rewarding than others. That is part of my problem
right now. I’m talking a lot of classes that just don’t engage me enough,
and don’t generate enough ideas. There is no sense trying to argue that these
classes are actually good for me and that I need to adapt somehow. They are just
not efficient uses of my time.

Or, maybe it depends how I look at the classes. I mean, given the choice I might
not want to have to take states/research/ling, but I migh be able to make them
fun if I:
1. Look at the concepts from different angles, like trying to get deeper into them and
2. Bring out questions based on 1. in class.

So the motivation for doing them is still because have to do them instead of something
more intriguing. However, I can get a lot of fun out of it by doing steps 1. and 2.

If I only did step 1. I would have less motivation to read ahead because I wouldn’t
have a way of contributig based on that extra work.
If I only did 2. well in many cases that is what I have now. I mostly just do 2. and
it works out ok but not great.

I feel like there are a lot of external motivations that could come into play
in education. However I feel that a motivation that will be lasting and enjoyable
it needs to come from within.

So, just like lifting heavy things and running fast because it feels good, I would
rather focus on learning for the sake of learning. I feel like sometimes I become out
of touch with the enjoyment of learning for that sake. However, this could easily
be more about metabolic factors than anything else. When I discover/create a new idea
that is truely awesome, it is empowering and rewarding. The only time it’s…
THE ONLY TIME IT’S NOT, IS WHEN I AM FOCUSING SQUARILY ON WHAT I DON’T HAVE!
(not that I should never focus on what I don’t have, I am not sure, maybe, but
not sure) It seems like learning about sexuality has helped with my understanding of
the world. Although a lot of the big stuff like mbti was learned more for the sake of
finding intrinsic motivation and just plain fun.

When I’m not focused on what I don’t have btw, then there is no underlying goal for my
learning. I just learn because I want to know. Knowing, experiencing, is living.

It’s intrinsic. When people learn to focus in on the intrinsics, there will be
no more “work”. For instance, I’m going to work today not for the money. 34$ or something
for 4 hours of physical labor. I mean yeah it adds up, but I am more there for the
relationships and the physical activity.

People were getting slaves to do their work for them, because they couldn’t see that
the work was actually good for them.

So in order to get to this state where you are only focused on the intrinsic rewards,
I think it has a lot to do with dopamine. It’s like when you let go of all the things
that might be fun to have the dopamine receptors increase. Like, if you were to just
let yourself be bored. Then you would start day dreaming and being creative. I feel like
the getting creative part is what happens when the receptors finally start up regulating.

So if you could upregulate them earlier, through exercise etc, then you would find it
easier to let go of other shit, the extrinsic stuff, and just get motivated.

I feel like this is a big thing. I feel like here the ability of a human to self-acualize
could be improved by things like increase dopamine receptors. So in this sense, it seems
what people need is to be healthy mentally. I mean, understanding the concepts of abundance
and self reliance are important too, but when it comes to actually enjoyin the intrinsic
rewards, dopamine is the reward, so you need to be able to produce and utilize it or you
will just be a couch potatoe monk.

You could see dopamine receptors and that kind of thing as an internal awareness of

what we need to be doing with our time. If we don’t keep it healthy, we start to lose touch

with that internal compass thing. Not that we don’t need to be rational if we have it,

just that it is a drive.

Productivity: Active Learning = Flexing between Sets 在 the gym, makes 它 fun

Anyways, So, I can promis myself day of awesome productivity if I don’t sleep properly
(althought there is always green tea and/or excercise etc to try and get energy). Even on a
nice kind of rested day though, working on something boring, will be boring. I mean, as
I do more cardio I guess my receptors will improve and I’ll have more ability to just work
on stuff. However, that is only one factor. The other is enjoying the work. You know,
making the time count for something more than jus putting in the hours. That is where
perspective is important. A work out with no music is even ok because it’s kind of rewarding
to get that pump and leave the gym on a bit of a high. Add some good music to that and
you feel bad ass. How do you feel bad ass about studying for an exam.

Well one idea I have is to not make it about “studying” and make it more about actively
creating something as much as possible. Express yourself through your studies. The simple
example is in a lecture, do you just listen and try to absorb, or do you listen, summarize
in your head, try to take notes only on what you think are the key points. Active learning.
I guess it’s not a new concept. It’s usefulness when it comes to making life more rewarding
though, there I think it hasn’t been stressed enough.

I just realize the things I can keep up with best are things where I am active. It takes
more energy initially, but really that is actually better. It takes energy to make energy.
Same with excercising, which I’ve become really consistent with because of this. As well,
I’ve found it to be more rewarding. Now to do the same with something like studying.

Now, I”m going to go straight to the thing I’ve had the hardest time keeping motivation
for. Chinese. What have I been doing. First, not writing out the characters. Doing everything
I can to keep it a completely mental endevour. I feel that will have to change. I will have
to practise speaking out loud, and writing on paper. It’s interesting, I can actually
imagine how rewarding it could be. Repeating a word or sentence until I got it right.
Re-writing a Hanzi neater, faster. So much more to improve on, so many more areas of the
brain being used.

It seems therfore like trying to take the easy way out has ended up being the hard way and
that I will benifit from doing more WORK. Hard work is rewarding, easy work is boring. That
seems to be the basic idea.

Maybe that’s just the extroversion in me though, getting energy from the world or something.
Hmm, I got tired of writing out characters though, that’s why I stopped in the first place.
They just took a long as time with little reward beyond doing them which I would have to
do for a year at that pace.

So what might be better then for me is skipping that learn hanzi phase and moving on to using
Chinese to actually do stuff. Say hi to people online, start a blog in Chinese and write in
it every day, etc. Stuff like that is also active learning and it’s I think more rewarding
and relevant to language, than learning Hanzi in a vacume would be. I think I absorb ideas
fast enough not to need to learn in a vacume. So a blog and I guess a youtube Channel, both for
I guess just sharing sentences I learned and as I learn more trying to combine the sentences
I learn each day to create new novel sentences.

Next, as far as other subjects go, same thing. I think I’ll learn better if instead of trying
to learn the subjects in a vacume I take each new concept I learn and try to think of it
from different angles, maybe look up things based on my ideas, then record all that other stuff
in a blog as well. If I did this it would be serious active study.

Making connetions is to studying, what grunting flexing after lifts is to weight lifting.
If you never get to see your body and your lifts improve, why lift. Same with study etc.
It’s important to be able to be active, with what we learn, to enjoy it, to make something
of it.

Basically, studying wouldn’t be worth the time if I couldn’t see the bad-ass ness of what
I was doing. Music might help, but still, learning Hanzi in a vacume for a year, never trying
to communicate. It’s like, purposely limiting yourself for no reason. Not allowing yourself
to grow, for no reason. Active learning is more than just flexing in the mirror I guess. I
mean it’s like actually seeing the weights go up and down, actually feeling it, trying to
add more weight, etc. Yeah it’s like adding more weight on the bar to see what you can
actually do. Without active learning you are stunting your own growth, and you know it, and
that is why it’s demotivating, I guess.

Making connections (Weight on the bar) + Music(Perspective of bad-assness) maybe= an enjoyable
lifestyle. Especially if the connections you are making are in the realm of science and you
find yourself actually able to contribute. Or it’s in langugae and you find youself more
and more able to communicate with people in that language.

Not saying you need to have an end goal(I work out for the hormonal benifit firstly). Just that
the sense of achievment(beyond any actual end goal) is going to make it addictive in the
short term. Addictive thigs become lifestyles. Productive addictions = productive lifestyles.
Productive lifestyles can then facilitate more things we want, without having to
throw our time away for them (we instead work actively to challenge ourselves and improve
in bad-ass ways).

Oh, and even more importantly I guess is to make it so that your active learning is
in-line with your long term goals. This is for specific types mostly. For example,
I feel like my long term goals revolve around learning things about the universe
and about biology and gaining more control to create. For example, if I could use
what I learn in school to improve body and my mind. See it seems like a lot of
people go into course like psychology hoping to get a “job” when they finish. They
memorize whatever they have to memorize in order to get there. Then they have a “job”,
which is a way to make money to fund other things they want to do. For me that wont be
enough. Damn, either I slept really well, or the maca is working, or both, or possibly
neither, but I am more clear on this now.

It’s not that I need to chose to either go into something for money or go into
it because it is interesting. I go into it with goal independant of money. I go into
it as a scientist, seeking to gain more power. Just like I work out to feel stronger
and look better and feel better. I go into science so I can become a better scientist.
So I can produce things in the feilds that will improve our lives. Money shouldn’t ever
even enter into it. It’s all or nothing.

It’s interesting that this seems so clear to me now. What was missing before?
Was I scared to get to into science in case I were to get bored and then have no
motivation to continue. Did peopel lead me to believe striving to make ground breaking
discoveries was not something I should aspire to? Wow, people really need to figure
their shit out. Not believing in themselves. Well, I have not choice but to believe
in myself, and dare to dream. Anything else would be just too f-ing boring.

Two things kind of trigger this emotion right now. One is this song I made that has this
sort of “unknonw” vibe. The other is the sexually attractive girl I saw at a computer
A fe minutes ago (although I’m not that horny actually).

What comes out of boredom

So I was on the bus to school, thinking about the new perspective, of just enjoying surroundings and environment. Finding that sense of connection, even when alone. So I was trying to focus on that but I found myself…bored. So then I decided being able to connect by myself is one thing, but it’s like, it has it’s place. Like, when I really feel lonely, or it just hits me, iunno. When I’m bored though, what naturally comes out of it, is creativity. I started building a song in my head without really thinking about it. So I decided I would run with that idea and create the song on my laptop when I got to school.

Then I thought, creativity is a form of connection as well. So are other activities as long as you find yourself in that kind of zone.

After that I found myself focusing on two things throughout the day

one was increasing my testosterone levels

The other was figuring out a way to do what the song I created was inspiring me to do. It wanted me to do some really epic physical challenges. Like, that’s what would go with the music to me.

After trying to take a nap because I was listening to my body, I though, well it seems like a type of obstacle course would be what I’d want. Only it would have to be a huge almost otherworldly type of thing, with platforms, and whirlpools that suck you under when you jump in and spit you out some where else in the course, and those walls with pegs so it’s hard to climb. Iunno, the best I could do right now is draw what I think it should look like because I am in no position to make it happen at this time.

Anyways, I started trying to psych myself up back into the state I was in earlier but with little success because as I found out moments ago, I’ve been running on almost empty. I guess 45 min walk in the morning could have something to do with both that and the creativity in the morning.

I also did some research into testosterone, because it hadn’t hit me yet that I was just tired. I was focused on why my sex drive wasn’t there. Still learned some stuff though. I was actually about to walk to the store to buy some garlic to see if it will boost testosterone levels like I’ve heard, but I thought, no the whole problem seems to be that I keep trying to force myself to have energy, to do things, because what, because at one point I did them, so I assume I “should” remain that way. (Like I learned in psychology that frontal lobe in teens developed making them see all possibilities but no obstacles, consequences etc, so they become more creative etc. I had often though in my mid twenties, what happened to the teenage me who had so many dreams. Thing is, I still do, I’m just more developed than I was before.) Then it hit me that I was actually just tired, but it’s only 7:40 something. To early to sleep. So I decided, maybe I’ll just play my new song and sit and play with my hands. I put my hands in the form of a cup almost without thinking. Then I thought, it’s like I’m saying to the universe, “I’m empty, please give me some energy”. This is boredom and this is creativity. Then I thought of something else I could add to this song.

So if you think about it, everything I did from the time I finished that song, until now, was mostly based on something I thought I “should be”, when the reality was just not that.

I thought I should have a way to realize an obstacle course irl and not have it just be a dream

I thought I should have the energy to get into some form of training right now

I thought I should have a high sex drive

All of these when the reality, where the real “shoulds” come from, was that I am tired and don’t have the resources to make an obstacle course on my own. The reality is that I shouldn’t be horny, because I’ve been extremely active without the proper nutrition and sleep to back it up thus far.

This song still speaks to me though. It says, you can get even stronger, more attractive etc. Is that wrong? It seems goals like that are good. Having goals is good. Maybe the problem is I expect too much from myself too soon. I can think of more goals than I can achieve in a life time. Not that I shouldn’t keep thinking of them. Just that it might be wise to not try to act on all of them, but to keep them as ideas. If they remain ideas, they can be acted upon by me or anyone else, at anytime. Where as if I try to do the thing, own the thing, it seems it get’s in the way of things that are more basic but more healthy for me to actually be doing.

For example, weights vs calisthenics/back flips. weights seem to do more for me, but the fact that it seems so easy, so normal, makes it seem unworthy in comparison to the possibilities I can think of. However, maybe it’s actually best if instead of trying to act on all my ideas, I focus my energy on those basic things, and then let my ideas pour out and I can just tell people about them.

Also, I guess my health isn’t really a “simple” or “easy” thing. It’s actually an ideal. To be healthy, very healthy, and look great, and feel great. Weight training is kind of like, challenging one’s self to see just how healthy they can get. I guess that is worth doing. I man, health is life, it’s challenging life, trying to get more time.

heh, it’s funny, I’ve been at this for so long, but not a personal trainer. I guess it’s cool though. If I wanna look at it as something that should help others, I’m sure I inspire other people. However, part of me wants to keep this as something that is just for me. Iunno, it makes me wanna get into genetic engineering cause it feels like, All I can get out of this is muscles. Is that evolution. However, I guess working out could actually have a huge effect of my brain, especially the more I learn about how to improve. However, how long can I keep this up. Where is this going? I could turn it into a kind of meditation by being more and more aware of my body as I do the movements. Iunno.

I guess I could work on other pars of me as well although aesthetics as a kind of appeal, like sexually, that stuff like back-n training does not for me. lol. Oh, flexibility. I want that too if I can have it. I guess this is like a kind of yogic lifestyle almost. Just worshiping or improving upon the human body, through application of it’s own adaptive abilities.

We work so hard at our goals. Even if not for someone else’s love, at least to improve our mood. However, good moods I guess aren’t promised to us either. We try though, because what else is worth doing.

So , should I be striving to better my mood and make it more stable. Or should I just let go. It’s tricky but I think it’s possible to do both at once. Work to improve mood but not expecting anything to last(which in a way keeps the bad moods from being too bad). It sucks to think this way because it means none of the things you would want to really enjoy about life, will be super enjoyable. Not when you know they can be taken away at any moment and you’ll have to work again to get them back. However, there is also this underlying sense that everything is ok, when you can accept things like loneliness, and not achieving everything, etc. It feels kind of beautiful, like I’m not beating myself up over it and forcing myself to be something different. If I don’t end up achieving anything in life or making all my dreams come true, it’s no big deal.

Sustainable Life: Self Love + Connecting with others = Freedom

So my response to the situation of property leading to a loss of freedom.
We wouldn’t be satisfied if we were each given a planet to roam on our own so more property
is not the answer. The problem was that the natural state of man was one of scarcity were we had to do whatever we could to make sure enough of us survived. That included competing against neighboring tribes and even more, it meant parents pitting the young against each other and placing value judgements(inequality) which became a disease that persisted far beyond the end of scarcity. This disease that remains now is the disease of human connection. It is the reason we still choose property over each other. It is because there was a time when that might have been necessary to retain human life. Human life I guess is paramount over human connection as without life there can be no connection. What we have left is a residual inflammation.
We need to heal that so we can move on, and it’s gonna be fun!

One source of residual inflammation is the compulsion to be loved by someone else. The signal of not being loved stems from a time when there was scarcity and a parent could only love a child who would help the family survive.
If you can stop needing people’s love in the main ways we compulsively do:

Individualization: Praise, admiration, recognition etc
Biological: Sex, sexual appreciation, etc
Philosophical: Bad ideology about your own worth etc, especially based on other peoples selfish views.

To the point where you stop seeking out people for these reasons and stop even striving for goals for this purpose,

And

If you can focus on things that make you feel love for it’s own sake

Biological: Exercise, sleep, diet
Individualization: This you are just inspired to do
Philosophical: Realizing the only person worth trying to please is yourself, and how liberating it is to not depend on other peoples love for your own happiness.

Then you reach that point of self love and a new form of freedom.

This is freedom is the freedom to connect with another human being and share with them and experience with them and learn from them.

Social guide lines:

You can make yourself happy so you don’t need anyone else to see any value in you beyond your ability to share experiences with them and connect with them. That should be the only prerequisite to being a “friend”. Being able to connect. An

Ask them about themselves. What do they like, what are they doing, etc.
If you already get love from within you don’t need to make any conversation about yourself. You find in them the things you can relate to(might be hard to find in some and may require specific situations where a common interest/need comes to light). So you are not seeking love from them, you are also not necessarily seeking to love them. You are seeking the overlap between you two so you can connect and share based on that. You find the overlap, and you … overlap them, creating a stronger version of that thing. Like how you laugh louder in a theater with other people. Or how two heads are better than one.

This is the new freedom we have. It is the freedom to connect with others and share.

About Increasing Mood as a Science, as a purpose

I was on the subway home this evening and I was in a really good mood. It was probably a combination of cutting out wheat, and working out hard, and lot’s bananas.

Anyways I was feeling this energy. This kind of like potential, or inspiration. It was like a wave that swept over me. I had music on and it was like it went with the music. It was like, “You are awesome, or you cab be awesome” or maybe it is more accurate to say the energy was simple, “about awesome”.

It made me think about doing things. Awesome things. Things other people would think are awesome.

However, this is not what I am interested in anymore. I realize that by depending on how others view me, I leave myself weak and vulnerable to their desires over my own.

So now I focus on making myself happy. It seems weird to think about. It’s hard to impress yourself. To entertain yourself. It’s definitly not the same as having other people love you and be impressed by you.
What it is though, is just working to put yourself in the best mood you can, and then enjoying it or working with it to make it even better.

I realized that what I was feeling on the subway didn’t have to be put towards something. It already was something. That sense of awesomeness, wasn’t something I needed to achieve in that other people would recognize it. In instead, it was something I already had and was experiencing, just by being in optimal or near optimal health. Iunno, it does lead to an inspiration to do something and I guess doing things to help others is good. Just that it needs to be based on my desire to help them, not on my desire to be loved.

You can get happiness through other people’s love, but you don’t have to. You can also get a more dependable happiness, by increasing your health to the point that the endorphines and feel good hormons flow all the time and you just feel awesome.

In light of the realization of how happy I can feel when no worrying about how others feel about me, and how that often makes them like me more, I have stopped focusing on women as much. In doing this I have realized that I wasn’t having trouble projecting the sexual state because I was unhealthy(at least that’s not the only reason). The other reason is that it’s just not authentic. When I’m in a good mood, I have a lot of thoughts and I don’t just stand there being sexual. I have too many other dimentions to exist in.

I can make eey contact, but it wont be just sexual and calm, it will be excited and erratic and wondering, ect, and maybe sometimes sexual. Only if I feel like it though. Only if after all the things I enjoy in life, the sexuality of the moment somehow overpowers me. I don’t need to be overflowing with sexuality and women, to be a man. I don’t even need to be a man lol. I just need to let my awesomeness show.

I felt at somepoints today like I was totally outside of the suffering most people face these days. I felt above it. Like I was looking down. No I didn’t have women swarming me. Instead, it seemed like what those women would be after, was beneath me as well. At least in the moment. Like I didn’t want what most of them wanted, and I felt my perspective, was more right. It is, for me, and it is important therefore that I feel that it is. Unlike before were it seemed my wants could be disqualified as not masculine.

The idea of being satisfying for women sexually is actually a huge source of suffering and confusion for a lot of men, and some women. It’s the idea that a woman’s sexual appreciation is a measure of ones worth and that the more sexually attractive the woman, the more important her appreciation becomes.

In this state though, I find I can chose to just go beyond all that. I mean, it is obviously only valid in the same way peoples appreciation is valid in general. It is valid if you are not happy otherwise. We might just be hardwired to see women’s sexual appreciation as a form of love and social security. However, being health on our own allows us to move beyond all that. Hopefully to everyone’s benifit.

I felt like I was beyond a lot of that stuff and looking down at it from a place, maybe too high to help in a way. Like it felt disfunctional in a way. This actually is how I felt at one point in elementary school. Like I didn’t have the capacity to give emotionally what other people needed, but for the most part things weren’t getting to me. So I was like a self-sufficient outside. An alien. Also because I could give what most people seemed to need, it seemed like I must be a worhtless alien, at least in there eyes, which mattered to me at the time.

Now, two things.
1) is that I realize what my value would be, and it would be based on ideas, not emotions.
2) I don’t really desire people’s selfish judgements of my worth. (maybe because I know what I have to offer, and or I really just don’t care because I’m happy).

I feel like increasing mood in this way as I have been doing, which has been arduos, could be a science on it’s own. Especially in how individual it’s processes are.
Also I feel like with how my mood makes me feel, that feeling good and better, seems like an actual purposeful venture. It feels that good, and also it makes sense that the sercret to life extension could be found in how our moods react to certain inputs.

Also, I might not care much about money, but I do care about living right. It could be that people will notice how I shine in this way. Possibly I could become a role model in this area. The area of self love. If you have red this far, maybe you think I live myself too much lol. Iunno. It feels good.

Huge Life Purpose Seeking = Distraction?

There are a few things I feel could be possible paths to a purposeful life in this regard, and I am trying to for-cast here because I’m not quite there yet myself:

1) That by slowing down and focusing on being healthy you allow inspiration to come in naturally. As if purpose is something that comes to you, or is innate in you and just needs to be brought out.

2) That just as finding purpose could distract us from health and general inspiration, it also may distract us from general hobbies and fun. It is possible that these hobbies are stepping stones to bigger things or at least they are things a part of us doesn’t want to see left not finished. The difference between helping the whole world in some huge way that only you could do, and the same but helping one person, may only be a difference in scale. It could be that by setting our sights super high initially we psych ourselves out because we can’t find a way to inspiration for such a big goal, or even find the goal itself.

3) That a larger purpose may come out of the smaller things you like doing. At least in that you would interact with many people and can be a positive influence on them. You can want to have a huge purpose in life and there are infinite ways to get there. However, those ways become more visible the higher up you go with what you enjoy doing. For instance, if you write a short story, then you meet a guy who writes comics and make a comic. Or you realize you could turn it into a novel, ect. Just as you will be inspired to do a basic thing, once you do that thing, you may be inspired to do something that builds on that basic thing.

If you decide you want to make a movie right now when you haven’t done anything remotely close to it, your in a hard place. You will have to think of an idea and write a story first. If you have already wrote a novel, deciding to make a movie wont be as big a step because you already have the basic idea down.

So basically a new possible way of thinking about this is you have to start from your basic inspiration and let it build on what you’ve produced. Once you’ve produced stuff, you will see a bunch of new possibilities based on those things and connections between them and then you can build out.

Sex Drive: Dopamine Receptors

So I’ll list the things I did today, the things I that I think contributed,
then I’ll list the possible confounding variables,
then I’ll give what I’ve concluded.

What I did:

Control Breakfast of french toast. Wheat could have been a factor
in low sex drive but I eat it anyways so as not to test to many variables
at once, not to mention I’ve had a high sexdrive with french toast before.

Oh, I also started with a cup of skim milk, last bit I had left.
I’m assuming the effects of tyrosine wouldn’t persiste beyond a few hours
so I’m assuming the result wasn’t caused by this, although I could be
wrong.

Felt a sugar high from the milk.

Went to gym, tried to bench but wasn’t feeling it, the sugar high
was wearing off and leaving me feeling uncoordinated. So instead I
hoped on the treadmill for 28? minutes.

Left feeling refreshed.

Went to the right class but an hour early. Stood in the isle lookin for a
seat and a girl point for me to sit in some seats behind me. 3rd time since working
on my serotonin that I was basically given a place to sit. Second time was wednesday
where a girl tapped me on the shoulder to sit beside her in empty seat. I think
it’s cause I’m so confident as to stand around scanning the seats for a while, that
it is attractive and girls use it as an invitation. The girl today looked back at
me. Anyways as I said I quickly realized I was in the wrong class.

I stretched and did Hanzi.

no lunch.

Went to class.

Drank lot’s of water.

After class, went home. I was going to by food but I actually felt
a bit of a horniness feeling and wanted to see how far it would get
if I didn’t eat. On the bus I felt a bit of sex drive and arousal when
an attractive lady was seated infront of me.

Had my second meal at 2:30pm, first one was at 8:15am?
so 6.5 hours apart.

It was wild rice (wheat) and salmon rose fryed in olive oil.

At around 3:00pm as I lay on bed surfing on lap top I felt more
sex drive and arousal than before.

What I think contributed:

my hypothesis for today was that it could be my dopamin receptors being
low, instead of the need for more dopamine or testosterone.

So Jogging would help cause it increases both dop and receptors
Then The long wait between meals with no snack in between would
have increased them more. Then a meal with salmon for
tyrosin but that was not very large, and stopping all eating after
words, would do the rest.

Also last night wasn’t the best for sleep, although I had a crzy dream.
Also, no zinc last night, I’ve run out. Obviously from the whole week
of low sex drive, I’ve decided zinc is not a main factor,
at least not in sex drive, although maybe in muscle recovery ect.

So cardio, and meal restriction

What could make my results meaningless:
The glass of skim milk, if the idea is the tyrosine was
building up over the last few days and today’s glass
was just enough to perk up my sex drive.

—–

Placebo.

lactic acid from joggin increased testosterone somehow more than weight
training had been.

I had been eating turkey sausages and bananas for the last 2 weeks,
which I guess concluded yesterday?

My conclusion:

Well I’m not really concluding anything here. What I’m deciding is
to continue working with the dopamine receptors and remove the variables
that are causing a problem.

Milk is done
—-
For now I’ll refrain from turkey and bananas and
instead just do enough cardio and hope my mood remains confident.

I’ll continue on a 3 meal a day with the meals spaced 8:30am, 2:30pm, 8:30pm,
sticking to foods that don’t leave me feeling overly indulged as peanuts do.
I’ll try to walk often and jog when possible, sleep well, weights.

More notes:

After eating lunch, in teh first 30min after I started feeling arousal,
however by 4pm I was just really tired, almost depressed. I had an impulse
to eat something thinking maybe that’s what I needed to feel better, but I
ignored it cause I realize that impulse is part of the problem, and the wheat
probably the other part.

I feel refreshed so it seems that just like with breakfast sometimes,
after I eat lunch I’ll have a 2hr period of feeling like shit. Well, also it was
the “seista” time, so it’s naturally a low energy period. I think though that
meal content and activity level around the time plays a big role too. I always feel
tired after eating that wild rice. Definitly not as bad as if it was white bread,
however, white/basmati rice might have been better. Also I drank a lot of water
right before going to the bathroom. Makes sense that the rice would be dehydrating.
heh, and I would have just ate more food.

Also, I feel like beyond all the things I will refrain from now that I see
how important it is to stop seeking these forms of positive emotion
from outside, I’m probably going to need something to do to. Not a distraction,
but a passion.

oh yeah, and increasin d receptors increases d apparently?
And increased d decreases prolactin which let’s t increase,
which would kind of immunize me against wet dream losses of sex drive.

Also, and this is something extremely important. When I was a kid, I had lot’s
of energy and extrovertion, and sex drive even. I could never figure out where all that
went. I realize now that as a child, well for one thing I had wasn’t always in a good
mood, especially when I was really hungry or thirsty or had too much sugar.
However, the secret I just discovered, was exactly that. Well not the sugar, but the fact
that I was hungry often. Like, I only got three meals a day. At least until friends would
bring snacks some times and I’d have some. I would have breakfast, lunch,
oh and a snack at day care, and then dinner. For me though, my meals were often not always
enough, also weekends and summer I think it was just the three meals.

Also I feel kind of like my memory is better now. Iunno, are my thoughts clearer?
Or am I just on a thread that automatically allows me to jog my memory. “Diet
through time”. Iunno, I expect my memory and thinking to get better as I do this
in conjuction with cardio.

Three meals, no snacks, no super fatty food.

Next Day After Jog (June 20)

Woke up at maybe around 8 and still felt tired, had to pee, so I went to sleep hoping I’d be ale to fall back asleep and I did and woke up around 9. Pretty good since I went to bed around 11:30, very good sleep indeed.

Still felt a a bit tired but I could feel myself becoming more energized as I did laundry, shower, ect.

I also noticed my stomach which had been bloated for the past few days had flattened out by like 50% over night. This means my high fat diet was not the problem, just the sleeping late making me store fat instead of using it, plus the cardio doing things like increasing serotonin and priming me for sleep, plus the extra 450-500 calories burned in that 35min jog.

Then I started singing, and then beat boxing, and it was sounding really good so I recorded it.

creativity, confidence, positive mood, is one of these the parent of the other ones?

I also took more pictures, it seems everything has more potential to be beautiful now.

On the first bus, I got on and the bus driver smiled at me, another black guy lol, maybe that was why.

On the bus some older black lady talked to me as the bus was turning into the station, commenting that it was stopping in a different place. By talk to me I mean she turned to face me and her hand was touching my shoulder. By older I mean a senior citezen.

Next bus, I sit between senior citizen white lady who is talking to herself, and some younger Asian girl. An old guy comes on an I offer him my seat but he declines. So I sit again. Then I spot a dime under the seat opposite me and so when the bus stops I try to get it with my foot while everyone wonders what I’m doing. I am about to give up when the old white(european) lady says in some other language it sounded like, to keep trying or something, so I get it and say “yes” and everyone enjoyed that when I picked it up. Then I offer it to the lady and she’s pushes my hand away for me to keep it so I do.

Then I look around at all the smiling faces. Then the lady get’s off the bus and says have a nice day and I say you too.

I continued monitoring my thoughts and watching for signs of subtle desperation but it seemed they weren’t there unless I actually chose to follow the old philosophy of trying to meet people. Then that desperate feeling seemed to come along with it. Otherwise I feel content, and not lonely or sexually frustrated. I just feel like fun.

As I walked through the halls people made eye contact but when I made eye contact I guess I didn’t feel like I could smile because it felt like the desperate feeling was coming back when I tried to form a connection. Then they didn’t smile either. So it’s like, when I focus on having fun and sharing that fun, I make connections, but when I focus on making connections it’s like, I stop being fun. Of course, either way I wasn’t really fun until after the jog yesterday. However I already had realized at the conscious level that the desperate way of thinking, of wanting to make connections for the sake of my happiness, was not ideal. I just had no other options until after jogging.

(Right now someone, has moved from the couches at the end of the room, to the table I am sitting at)

So I am wondering if with creativity, confidence, positive mood, ect is one of these the parent of the other ones? I wanna say t fun comes from the creativity, but I think the fun creativity comes with being positive. Iunno, I’m thinking there should be another emotion that combines all of these states. Well it’s more than an emotion because it’s actually a mental state that allows increase creativity. I’m just wondering if this is something that can be controlled. Actually I think the positive emotion is at the center of it somehow and I feel at isa very hard thing to just will myself to have.

Well, the next thing which just happened is a an estranged friend just responded to the txt of a semi estranged friend and is interested in catching up.

Maybe everyone is becoming more happy in genera because of the weather, but jogging definitely offers more control.

Now I’m talking the person who sat near me. infj?

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