Do you think you are awesome…as a defense mechanism?

I recently came to a realization that in a lot of my pursuits I have been trying my best to do everything myself.
A few examples:
Youtube: Wanting to get popular without sharing my channel with my friends or family, actually I think this is understandable though. I talk about stuff I don’t want to have to discuss again with my friends. However, one of the reasons otherwise is simply I want to prove that I can get popular on my own.

Jobs, not really wanting to use my friends to get me a job. I mean here to there is the idea that I wouldn’t want to be putting out any of my friends. However in general a bit thing is that I would want to prove to myself that I could get an awesome job without help.

Women, I’m sure my friends could introduce me to some awesome girls, however I wouldn’t want that. One reason is that would want my relationships to be mine alone, not my friends business. Second though, is that I would want to know that I can develop relationships on my own. It’s partly about freedom, and partly about pride.

To go further about me, I have always been extremely ambitious in a way most people aren’t. I wanted to be a super hero long after most kids grew out of that idea. The I wanted to be at least a super smart genius wizard able to do anything, get anything I wanted, by myself.

I mean it would be freeing to be that type of person, and if it is attainable then why not. Now thing reason is kind of complicated, and maybe it depends on who you are. For me though, the reason is because of the reason WHY I wanted those things in the first place.

First let me just say, that the world can be improved without someon rising up as some super smart person so saying that it is for the good of everyone is not a proper excuse. Everyone has potential, not just an exceptional few.

So the reason for me is that I think I was just using this outlandish desire and view of myself(as I at least identified primarily as having the potential to be this amazing person, me instead of focusing on we) I think the desire arose as a reaction to feeling the opposite at a few points in my child hood. I mean I want to keep my self-confidence and optimism and belief in myself, I think it’s actually important to have that.

What I’ve let go of is the need to prove this potential to the detriment of my social interactions. See the more I focus on trying to be independently awesome, just to prove I can, to my self if no one else, the more I have to avoid the pro-social interactions and bonding that could be had by allowing people to help you and to work with them to accomplish bigger things.

The thing that may have initially started me realizing that I need to change this is…well one is I started jogging which really gives me a more natural sense of self-worth. Next is, and actually one of the reasons I started jogging in the first place, women. I want to have healthy relationships with the opposite sex. I mean I do already for the most part, it’s been trying. Social anxiety get’s in the way but jogging helps with it.

The realization that I can’t have sex by myself and so I will always need a partner for at least that, is a big part of what helped me see the contradiction in my goals. I wanted to prove I was awesome, so that I could feel more comfortable working with others, knowing I’m still valuable on my own.

The other part is that I realized working with others is where a lot of the meaning comes from for me, what a “career” is, and a big part of “living” is. So there was really no escaping the correction. If I wanted the ideal meaningful life, meaningful relationships, meaningful work, I would need other people, and that’s what I want.

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