Focusing on “The Body” After dream interpretation (A few days late in posting)

Last night i had a dream that my mom was urging me to have my arms amputated and rewired to cybornetic arms. She was telling me I needed to do this because of the threat of some sort of bone disease thatthere was a chance i would eventually getlater on in life if I didn’t. I was really scared but actually considering it. I asked someone, a nurse? or iunno, because where was this happening, i thought it was at home, about if they use anesthetic and they said something about pain killers lol. I was thinking about doing it since i had all this meditation practice from before and thought I shouldnt’ have to be so scared.

I think I left without giving a definit answer, maybe I said later I’ll c or something. Then I think in the basement of my room, I took off my shirt and i had all this black stuff attached to my back, like a black thick mold covering it like tar. So I started scraping it off with m fingers. Next I walked into a good friend’s house and into the basement or somewhere and two other good friends where there and I think they were offended that I just showed up and walked into his house like that but I don’t think I even appologized.

Today I learned about rembrant’s painting of a philosopher and a woman making him tea and I feel like it’s something I would cry if I could lol. It felt like it was my mom and me in a way. Then later that good friend who’s house I was in, in the dream, irl texted me what’s new. and we get into a very intellectual discussion and I used this as an opportunity to see if maybe there was something there in terms of life and goals. Well by the end of the conversation, he was entertained by the debate as was I.

LaterI read this forum post and…

I think I need to try and make time for everything, or just a lot of things. That is what I’m getting from this entp blog I’m reading and I like the idea. He has like 16 things he does every day. Most of which are self-improvement oriented. It makes sense for a lot of reasons. For one, I don’t get too focused on one thing and deny myself improvements in other areas. I also leave enought time for all hobbies. I also low myself the chance to improve and feel success and the new experiences these successes lead to. It’s just the time management that might be hard. Also his thing is making it a lifetime adventure. So for lnaguage learnig for instance he will always be learning one a language I guess.

heh, actually he is an entj, but it got me thinking anyways and now I’m going to go for it. It’s like organizing my own development instead of relying soley on chance. Chance will happen anyways. However, I want to be able to have habits of purposeful development, that I can count on.

That could also have relevance to the dream I had. My mom telling me I should get robotic arms for my own good. Habits are kind of like being robotic, automated. So like, if I were part machine, I would be better. The next day were the teacher refered to the painting my rembrant, he said something about “The body”, but also that having to do with slaves and workers building up a nation. So following routines is kind of like being a slave to yourself. To what the future would be if you didn’t have those routines.

Also there is the fact that in the dream the robot hands also represented my anxieties for the 3 years of college and the year leading up, where I did become amazing at habits. I do feel like in some ways I have not been able to get back to that level as far as habits, and self-control. I think it would be cool, as long as I didn’t have to sacrifice too much. I just need a balance. For instance, what’s 25 minutes of not day dreaming per day. Not
a big deal, especially if it will net me other opportunies that lead to inspiration. What’s staying up late if the thoughts I think then are less useful and insightful. As long as I make daily habits that allow enough time to myself, I wont be sacrificing my time. Just getting the most out of it. If I have 5 hrs instead of 10, I’ll usually
fit 10 hrs of daydreaming into 5. However, If I have NO time, then I’ll feel it, unless I end up just daydreaming as I work…and this is another thing. If I can day dream and think while I work in many cases, then maybe I don’t need as much time to myself as I have though.
I just need to get used to thinking about two things at once or something. Like when I make music and I can still think about whatever else I want. So, if I became part robot, basically if I could have automatic processes of success, then it would be like achieving what the dream was urging me to. Not only that, but then I would be able to say to everyone else, that they need learn how to do these things as well. Become part robot. Do it, because it
is the only way to find peace? freedom? Yes, because is giving up a form of freedom? I don’t know. I think being able to work at anything indefinitly, and improving, and eventually enjoying it, is closer.

Basically be ok with doing things that are hard. If you have that, that mental strength,  if everyone had that mental strenght, AND they were willing to cooperate instead of compete, we would truly have a utopia. Forget about finding that ONE THING that yu truly love. Learn to love doing all the things you need to do to improve. Learn to make it a habit. Being able to work even when no rewards are forth coming but hoping they will come eventually.
That is freedom.

Then later I thought basically that since rembrant was also being thought to be representing the woman in teh paint to be the body of society and the philosopher to be the head, it would make sense that just as in the paining, and in the dream(in a twisted way I guess) I could focus more on my body. I’m sure my mom would respect that decision.

Well by the end of that night i had come down with a cold, but I had just picked up many vitamins ad healthy foods so I should be ok by tmr. Well hopefully. So this focus on the body(which I plan/ed to have as a goald of being as healthy as humanly possible) actually transitions nicely to my latest post where I talk about how I gain energy from beautiful ambience (music, room decor), and so yeah it fits in that way as well.

Advertisements

Sex Drive: Dopamine Receptors

So I’ll list the things I did today, the things I that I think contributed,
then I’ll list the possible confounding variables,
then I’ll give what I’ve concluded.

What I did:

Control Breakfast of french toast. Wheat could have been a factor
in low sex drive but I eat it anyways so as not to test to many variables
at once, not to mention I’ve had a high sexdrive with french toast before.

Oh, I also started with a cup of skim milk, last bit I had left.
I’m assuming the effects of tyrosine wouldn’t persiste beyond a few hours
so I’m assuming the result wasn’t caused by this, although I could be
wrong.

Felt a sugar high from the milk.

Went to gym, tried to bench but wasn’t feeling it, the sugar high
was wearing off and leaving me feeling uncoordinated. So instead I
hoped on the treadmill for 28? minutes.

Left feeling refreshed.

Went to the right class but an hour early. Stood in the isle lookin for a
seat and a girl point for me to sit in some seats behind me. 3rd time since working
on my serotonin that I was basically given a place to sit. Second time was wednesday
where a girl tapped me on the shoulder to sit beside her in empty seat. I think
it’s cause I’m so confident as to stand around scanning the seats for a while, that
it is attractive and girls use it as an invitation. The girl today looked back at
me. Anyways as I said I quickly realized I was in the wrong class.

I stretched and did Hanzi.

no lunch.

Went to class.

Drank lot’s of water.

After class, went home. I was going to by food but I actually felt
a bit of a horniness feeling and wanted to see how far it would get
if I didn’t eat. On the bus I felt a bit of sex drive and arousal when
an attractive lady was seated infront of me.

Had my second meal at 2:30pm, first one was at 8:15am?
so 6.5 hours apart.

It was wild rice (wheat) and salmon rose fryed in olive oil.

At around 3:00pm as I lay on bed surfing on lap top I felt more
sex drive and arousal than before.

What I think contributed:

my hypothesis for today was that it could be my dopamin receptors being
low, instead of the need for more dopamine or testosterone.

So Jogging would help cause it increases both dop and receptors
Then The long wait between meals with no snack in between would
have increased them more. Then a meal with salmon for
tyrosin but that was not very large, and stopping all eating after
words, would do the rest.

Also last night wasn’t the best for sleep, although I had a crzy dream.
Also, no zinc last night, I’ve run out. Obviously from the whole week
of low sex drive, I’ve decided zinc is not a main factor,
at least not in sex drive, although maybe in muscle recovery ect.

So cardio, and meal restriction

What could make my results meaningless:
The glass of skim milk, if the idea is the tyrosine was
building up over the last few days and today’s glass
was just enough to perk up my sex drive.

—–

Placebo.

lactic acid from joggin increased testosterone somehow more than weight
training had been.

I had been eating turkey sausages and bananas for the last 2 weeks,
which I guess concluded yesterday?

My conclusion:

Well I’m not really concluding anything here. What I’m deciding is
to continue working with the dopamine receptors and remove the variables
that are causing a problem.

Milk is done
—-
For now I’ll refrain from turkey and bananas and
instead just do enough cardio and hope my mood remains confident.

I’ll continue on a 3 meal a day with the meals spaced 8:30am, 2:30pm, 8:30pm,
sticking to foods that don’t leave me feeling overly indulged as peanuts do.
I’ll try to walk often and jog when possible, sleep well, weights.

More notes:

After eating lunch, in teh first 30min after I started feeling arousal,
however by 4pm I was just really tired, almost depressed. I had an impulse
to eat something thinking maybe that’s what I needed to feel better, but I
ignored it cause I realize that impulse is part of the problem, and the wheat
probably the other part.

I feel refreshed so it seems that just like with breakfast sometimes,
after I eat lunch I’ll have a 2hr period of feeling like shit. Well, also it was
the “seista” time, so it’s naturally a low energy period. I think though that
meal content and activity level around the time plays a big role too. I always feel
tired after eating that wild rice. Definitly not as bad as if it was white bread,
however, white/basmati rice might have been better. Also I drank a lot of water
right before going to the bathroom. Makes sense that the rice would be dehydrating.
heh, and I would have just ate more food.

Also, I feel like beyond all the things I will refrain from now that I see
how important it is to stop seeking these forms of positive emotion
from outside, I’m probably going to need something to do to. Not a distraction,
but a passion.

oh yeah, and increasin d receptors increases d apparently?
And increased d decreases prolactin which let’s t increase,
which would kind of immunize me against wet dream losses of sex drive.

Also, and this is something extremely important. When I was a kid, I had lot’s
of energy and extrovertion, and sex drive even. I could never figure out where all that
went. I realize now that as a child, well for one thing I had wasn’t always in a good
mood, especially when I was really hungry or thirsty or had too much sugar.
However, the secret I just discovered, was exactly that. Well not the sugar, but the fact
that I was hungry often. Like, I only got three meals a day. At least until friends would
bring snacks some times and I’d have some. I would have breakfast, lunch,
oh and a snack at day care, and then dinner. For me though, my meals were often not always
enough, also weekends and summer I think it was just the three meals.

Also I feel kind of like my memory is better now. Iunno, are my thoughts clearer?
Or am I just on a thread that automatically allows me to jog my memory. “Diet
through time”. Iunno, I expect my memory and thinking to get better as I do this
in conjuction with cardio.

Three meals, no snacks, no super fatty food.

The Serotonin Experience: Vitamin D

About a month ago I started taking Vitamin D. Actually it was by random chance while cleaning my room that I found a bottle that I though was empty. Thinking I’d just throw it out I picked it up and it was half full. It was 400ui vitamin D pills. I took like 5 just to see what would happen. I thought maybe it would help with my recently low sex drive. Well at the end of my work shift I suddenly got this feeling. Well it was more of an inner dialogue at first, I was thinking about in general bad people, challenging people, threatening people. The I thought, I think I would love to than to laugh in the face of a threat, even if it would cost me my life. I just started feeling like being able to laugh in the face of danger, was as important as surviving.

The next day I realized this is how I start to feel in the summer(it was Feb when this happened). Also music started to sound way better than usual. These aren’t things I was expecting to experience while on Vitamin d so I don’t think it is any placebo. As well recently reading online confirmed that SSRI’s and other brain serotonin increasing supplements make music sounds really good.

I upped the dosage over the next week till I was taking 6000UI per day. My sense of humor improved a lot. However, it seems my filter for what is ok to do and not ok to do has decreased. For instance the cafeteria at my school gives crackers with soup but one day I just took some crackers by themselves which isn’t really something I’d usually do since it’s kind of like stealing when I take something that should go with something you buy. Also in my lecture class someone showed me a video of a guy doing a back-flip and landing on his head and I basically screamed “arrge” and then covered my face while laughing as everyone was looking at me.

More recently and part of why I have decrease the dosage is I started feeling first of all kind of disconnected from everything. Like life was passing by and wasn’t really something that was mine to hold onto and experience, but just something to watch as it passed each day. Then I started feeling like if I died that day or some time soon it wouldn’t really be that bad because I lived a full life. I had happy memories from childhood and early adulthood and if my life ended it would still hold value for having been lived.

On top of that, my sex drive grew even worse and my research tells me that was because increased serotonin decreases dopamine. Dopamine which is resonsible for sex drive and erections, neither of which I was experiencing, at least not while awake. So I’ve lowered the does and started taking cheese which contains tyrosine which has greatly improved my sex drive, and I think the other symptoms of high serotonin are beginning become more balanced as well. I don’t mind not being scared of danger but being disconnected isn’t really that much fun and I’m barely getting any school work done these days.

 

%d bloggers like this: