Do you think you are awesome…as a defense mechanism?

I recently came to a realization that in a lot of my pursuits I have been trying my best to do everything myself.
A few examples:
Youtube: Wanting to get popular without sharing my channel with my friends or family, actually I think this is understandable though. I talk about stuff I don’t want to have to discuss again with my friends. However, one of the reasons otherwise is simply I want to prove that I can get popular on my own.

Jobs, not really wanting to use my friends to get me a job. I mean here to there is the idea that I wouldn’t want to be putting out any of my friends. However in general a bit thing is that I would want to prove to myself that I could get an awesome job without help.

Women, I’m sure my friends could introduce me to some awesome girls, however I wouldn’t want that. One reason is that would want my relationships to be mine alone, not my friends business. Second though, is that I would want to know that I can develop relationships on my own. It’s partly about freedom, and partly about pride.

To go further about me, I have always been extremely ambitious in a way most people aren’t. I wanted to be a super hero long after most kids grew out of that idea. The I wanted to be at least a super smart genius wizard able to do anything, get anything I wanted, by myself.

I mean it would be freeing to be that type of person, and if it is attainable then why not. Now thing reason is kind of complicated, and maybe it depends on who you are. For me though, the reason is because of the reason WHY I wanted those things in the first place.

First let me just say, that the world can be improved without someon rising up as some super smart person so saying that it is for the good of everyone is not a proper excuse. Everyone has potential, not just an exceptional few.

So the reason for me is that I think I was just using this outlandish desire and view of myself(as I at least identified primarily as having the potential to be this amazing person, me instead of focusing on we) I think the desire arose as a reaction to feeling the opposite at a few points in my child hood. I mean I want to keep my self-confidence and optimism and belief in myself, I think it’s actually important to have that.

What I’ve let go of is the need to prove this potential to the detriment of my social interactions. See the more I focus on trying to be independently awesome, just to prove I can, to my self if no one else, the more I have to avoid the pro-social interactions and bonding that could be had by allowing people to help you and to work with them to accomplish bigger things.

The thing that may have initially started me realizing that I need to change this is…well one is I started jogging which really gives me a more natural sense of self-worth. Next is, and actually one of the reasons I started jogging in the first place, women. I want to have healthy relationships with the opposite sex. I mean I do already for the most part, it’s been trying. Social anxiety get’s in the way but jogging helps with it.

The realization that I can’t have sex by myself and so I will always need a partner for at least that, is a big part of what helped me see the contradiction in my goals. I wanted to prove I was awesome, so that I could feel more comfortable working with others, knowing I’m still valuable on my own.

The other part is that I realized working with others is where a lot of the meaning comes from for me, what a “career” is, and a big part of “living” is. So there was really no escaping the correction. If I wanted the ideal meaningful life, meaningful relationships, meaningful work, I would need other people, and that’s what I want.

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Motivation Strategies

One of the most important is simply being sure of what you want to accomplish, and sure of what you are willing to sacrifice (namingly, the distractions, things that feel good short term but really hold you back from fulfilment).

For instance, be sure you want to head in a general direction of making a living through whatever means you’ve chosen, AND have learned that video games are no longer fulfilling and so worth sacrificing. Just an example.

Also what I learned recently, is to look at what I need to feel fulfilled, critically. I mean, I was reading this blog were a lady pointed out all the passionate artists including herself who DID somepoint end up nearing the starving artist senario. She then decided she shouldn’t love her passions more than they loved her back, meaning if they can’t provide her basic needs…I guess this is obvious, but going in it probably wasn’t.

I just realize though that for me passions are there but making a living off of them isn’t really a necessity. That would be like trying to use a hammer to solve every problem. I am focusing on web development front end because not only is this an in demand job, but the skills for it can be used to support my passions as well. For instance, blogging, photography, music, etc.

Next, and this lady I was talking about before mentions this too, that in finding something that can support you, you may find in it/through it, something you love, but just couldn’t see until you did it. I have a variation on this which is that sometimes it helps to start with the title page, or the design and appearance of something, because it can then motivate you to build it out further into something real. Like, once I build the front of a website, if it’s really beautiful I think, “if only it was a functioning site…”, and this is motivation to turn it into one. Steve Jobs started with this process for Apple as well, creating the appearance of the device first, and fitting all the functionality into it.

This might not work for everyone , but for me since I have a large appreciation for beauty, this is a huge motivator for me.

The next huge motivator for me, is music, another form of beauty. I am realizing that a lot of that vibe I got from video games and anime and movies that made me want to be in that world, was the music. The music adds a lot of meaning to the experience, a lot of emotion.

I feel like I’m at the point where I only want to do things that further me towards my goals. Although I still like to check out the odd anime. So it’s like, all that is missing is that the pursuit of my goals not leave me feeling empty. Music helps greatly with this, as does working on things that will be aesthetically pleasing.

Not sure how I came to view web dev as a good option actually lol, I guess I’ve been considering it for a long time though. Out of all the options, I guess web dev seems like the one that’s most likely to work out in the near future, which is I guess important for me as I’m in adult hood and still at home. Also it’s a skill that runs paralell with my personal goals in many ways. It’s actually the only thing keeping me from acting on many of my other goals, as if I could just create communities around my interests I’d be able to do a lot.

I’m just trying to figure out why this is such a good solution for me. I’m sure it won’t be the answer for everyone so I’m taking a birds eye view on what is bringing me to this decision. I guess it’s just that though, that it’s inline with my personal goals, including my long term goal for personal freedom to work how I please and on what I please.

I still plan to attend school for psych/phil because I like school. However, I am expecting my job to be in web dev well before anything comes out of my traditional education.

It’s interesting that this goal and how it would be a skill I might want to learn on my own anyway, is not one that is strictly a passion. It’s like a support for a passion. It seems a lot of artists etc focus only on their skills as artists. The ones who do are I guess specialists and if that is the case them most likely they are devoted enough and will get where they want.

I on the other hand I guess I’m more of a generalists. I dabble in lot’s of things, although I do feel I have some areas where I am doing extremely well. It’s more like, I WANT to be able to do everything, and so this kind of includes the things that I’m not passionate about in an artistic way, but appreciate for their value. So maybe that type of characteristic is what would lead someone to find jobs that build skills that support their passions without strictly being their passions. Hm! lol.

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