Learn perfect self control, let go of Ne

Green tea
exams tmr
code geass last night

Ok, so today I was with Ivan studying and a girl flirted with me and I
mistook it for condesention and kinda regretted it after

At work I see the INTJ with the really nice body and I guess face too
and I just feel like I have nothing to offer and at this point with watching
porn for the last few days I feel at the point of not caring.

I was washing dishes and thinking, it’s almost like I’m ready to give up.

I can’t even feel the attraction (cold be cause of the porn and my state in
life though) and it feels so shitty, like I’m missing out on that part of
my life and am destroying my mind because why not if I can’t get anywhere
otherwise.

Then I thought, no I need to not destroy my mind. I need to do the exact
opposite. I need to become better, healthier. I need to figure everything
out. I need to correct my sex drive and outlook, at the biological level
if nessesary.

I don’t remembe how I got to the next point but I thought about going back
to having the awesome focus I had back in Seneca(at least in the first year lol
and maybe the last).

I don’t know if I was thinking about it for the sake of the money,
or if it came out of seeing how I devolved into watching porn again.

Oh, I remember thinking I need to sleep more and be healthy in every
way possible and make it a routine I can’t break Then I thought,
the thing keeping me from sleeping is just my search for novelty.

So I thoug, wow, so this search for novelty, this Ne that everyone
in the MBTI land is praising as something I should just let run free,
actually ruins my sleep? So then, maybe it isn’t so important that
I keep it unhinged at all times. Maybe I need to control it.

Sure this guy on youtube is telling me to watch humor for Ne before bed
and maybe that would HELP, but the fact is I would be watching humor
instead of what I REALLY want to do which is surf the internet endlessly or
watch all of code geass and then porn lol.

What I did in college and before was I decided that my natural inclination
towards constantly seeking novely was actually in excess and was
like a drug like behaviour and that it needed to be controlled
(not eliminated, just tempered).

I did this by creating times of the day where I could play very vanilla
games and watch tv shows, and maybe daydream about other things, and
other times when could not. I would not deviate from those times.

I also didn’t allow myself to focus to deeply on other life paths like
becoming a musician etc. Other things that could end up taking up
my focus. I decided if I did those things it woudl have to be after
I finish school and get a job(heh, I only ended up wiht a part time
job unrelated to my feild so in a way I never stuck to the plan.

Anyway, it worked out extremely well both in college and before
when I was studying for a personal trainer exam.

I realize that in that part of my life, I wasn’t bored out of my mind.
I wasn’t suffering. I found it hard to really get passionate about
the work(partly because I decided passion would only be distraction and
partly becaue I just had other dreams). Still though, I enjoyed myself
the majority of the time.

See the way the brain works, (anyones brain I guess) is that if you do
and accept doing boring shit for long enough, you will find the fun in the
boring shit. It’s basically mindfulness. You gain more dopamine receptors
and are able to feel the enjoyment in what was boring.

If you shut yourself in your room for a whole day you would find yourself
fiddling with whatever was around you. This is because you are
becoming aware of the fun that could be had in just fiddling.

So really, by trying to seek out more and more novelty, of which there is
an endless supply, all we do is make it harder to enjoy ourselves.

Succuming to this feeling of wanting novelty, is paralell to succuming
to the feeling of not wanting to exercise (if you feel that). The more
you succumb to it, the weaker and more needy you will become. The harder
it will be for you to do simple tasks. The less FREE you will be.

Get it? See I am not simply in school and looking for work so that I can
meet women. I also want freedom. What is freedom though? Do you think
freedom is being able to have sex with whoever you want?
I disagree because that could infring on their freedom to have or not
have sex with you.

Do you think freedom is the ability to go or see or experience novel stimuli
whenever you want? I feel most people would say this is freedom, but I
disagree. See you could have that freedom, but if you always have the
need to experience those things and that need for the novelty constantly
overcomes you then you are not free.

Freedom comes from self mastery. Being able to be whoever you want to be
whenever you want to be it. To be able to be happy when you want to be
happy for instance, or at least to be able to work toward that feeling.

So what is with Ne and being a blessing and a curse?
Well I guess it works until it doesn’t. It works until there is too much
in the world for us to get into. Until there is drugs, and porn, and an
endless sea of information. Once we’ve reached this point, we should also
have reached a point where we can control our impulses because our impulses
are based on survival, on scarcity, which is not what we have now.

What we have now is the chance to evolve. It could be that evolving the brain
evolves the genes and the body. We will find out when we get there.

See if something is keeping me from sleeping. That is, keeping me from
being healthy. Then IT must have limits on it’s ability to aid my well
being.

I’ll just note, after a lot of boring stuff, to be able to sit down and watch
an anime feels so good. Which to me means the dopamine.

Also, as soon as I get in this mindset of taking control of myself, I no longer
feel weak and at the mercy of my emotions. As soon as I let go of Ne and
decide I need to just be ok with boring, I feel so much more confident. More
confident, stronger. I feel powerful. Like I can do anything.

Self Mastery, Mind even more than body, is what becomeing supernatural,
having super powers, is all about for me. It even feels like it.

So what do I want to do.

I thought of just going for programming again but I realized what is the
point. For one, it would suck if worst case senario 2 years down the
road I still can’t get work.
It would even suck if I did get work because I would be limiting myself
as to what else I could do to possible get paid to do something more
meaningful to me. Meaning is indipendant of novelty which is another reason
why fun has no place in job decisions. The job could be boring and not
fun in some areas but still be the most meaningful thing you could be
doing in the long run.

So I decided I would continue with school and lean more towards political
science snd philosophy because I feel that is an area where I can actually
make a huge difference.

I mean making a difference is good for two reasons.
1 is that most likely I can make more money that way.
2 is that I will make a difference either way which beats going into
programming and not making money or a differce, or making money but
never feeling fulfilled.

So I choose to go into the poliscie stuff but with focus, not seeking
novelty, and a “fun time”.

See, the more you seek out a fun time(novel stuff), the more fun time
eludes you because you just grow weaker. The more you just do what you
think will make a difference in the world, the more the fun will come
with it.

So my plan is to stick to that. Also on the side I want to study chinese
by reading and writing out phrases, only those I see in the software
etc that I use often so that I will always be using it. For speaking
and listening I might have to do a serious srs thing again and I can
do it.

So I will put a lot of my focus into perfect body habits.
Then into school.
Then into language.
Then if I had to pick oneother thing it might be writing or music I don’t know.

I feel like in letting go of Ne, of trying to get it all for my Ne, I will
actually become more open and enjoy life more. Only when I’m not trying
to though, so it will be tricky. Either way I should always feel more
powerful and in a higher state of mind knowing that I have a path. The path
I feel is most meaningful. That with my superpowers I can do anything and
with them, this is what I have chosen to do.

Can’t really beat that.

I also remember meditating with resident eveil soundtrack music playing as
well as other cool memories like that. With all the rigidity I had going
on, I feel like I lived more, experienced more, tnan if I were in a
constant state of trying to find something more fun to do.

Might as well start on whatever seems most meaningful(not fun). If
somethign comes along that is truly more meaningful to me etc, then
sure I can switch but otherwise I will achieve things that need to
be achieved.

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