Aesthetic Motivation

I am attracted to beautiful things. I am motivated to move in the direction of what is beautiful. This is how I am as long as I am not distracted by other ideals which may not actually be helpful.

For instance, if I need money, should I still move in the direction of what is beautiful, in order to attain more opportunity for monitary gain. Some people would say I should try to get into technology because it is a good way to secure a job. I have tried to do this and even if I had got a job I don’t know that I would have been happy. Half of my waking life would have been spent studying and looking at things that I don’t believe to be beautiful. Although in some sense I think technology could be seen as beautiful, I feel if I am not already attracted to and interested in it, then it must not be beautiful enough. So I would end up working on things I don’t like, assuming it would make me enough money, to achieve the things I do think are beautiful. When I think about how I don’t want to be homeless or living on my own, it’s because I don’t want to end up diseased and unhealthy and therefore unattractive and unapproachable and unable to be and have contact with the people and things I feel are beautiful. Maybe this sounds kind of shallow but really it’s a form of motivation in the direction of what is best for humans. That is what the sense of beauty is. I feel this sense strongly and so I think I need to trust it as an instinct.

So as far as I know this motivation and the strength of it isn’t based on doing ugly things and trading them for something beautiful. It’s about at all times seeking to achieve the greatest beauty possible. It is not simply visual, it is not simply of the five senses, it encompasses emotions and logic and other things as well I believe.

So I feel like what I need to do is move towards beauty. I also feel that no matter what your interest is, as long as it is an interests where you are willing to learn more and improve, eventually it will grow to incorporate all of knowledge. It’s the idea of “all roads lead to rome”. No matter what you study, eventually it will teach or require the learning of everything else, to get the full picture. I mean after all, everything is said to be connected. So for this reason, it doesn’t really matter if you study computer science, or philosophy, or business, or basket weaving. As long as you are learning more and expanding your view of the subject(s) you learn because of an innate desire to know more etc, you will eventually end up learning everything else. Eventually. If you are the type of person who would like to know everything. If you are not, then you probably wont.

Following aesthetics makes even more sense in light of that fact that it will eventually lead to the study of whatever else I need to learn, when the time is right. It’s like in a game, where you don’t bother learning everything there is to learn about it but instead you learn as you go along and this helps you stay interested.

So the next thing I realized, is that while the stuff like being in shape, good music, etc are aesthetic, these are…well it’s almost like I need them in certain amounts, but there needs to be a balance. Aesthetic sense is a sense that humans have possibly for to help us survive and thrive. So beyond things like seeking an attractive mate, enchanting forests, and blue skies, we seek other things. I argue that the things we seek, we seek them because they are beautiful. Someone might enjoy programming a computer because to that person, seeing the computer do things based on input commands, is beautiful. For me it seems things like philosophy and especially when they connect many different ideas in some unifying way that makes sense, that to me is beautiful I think. Or another example of this is metaphor in poetry and song and how that is seen as beautiful. Anyways, it’s just that if I were to focus on things like fitness and music I am pretty sure I would feel unfulfilled. I need that intellectual beauty, so I feel like I might need to take more philosophy at school.

So if given the choice, which so far I think I have, of what to focus my energy in the support of, I think I would choose philosophy over something like Programming. What else though, iunno, maybe literature or some creative writing could be fun. It just seems that although I like and am attracted to art, when it comes to expressing myself, I seem to most enjoy expressing intellectual ideas. It’s like the art inspires me, but then I transmute that inspiration into something that adds value in my situation. Or something iunno. So I’m creative but in creating knowledge based on beautiful things? lol iunno, I have visual art ideas too, I’m just lazy to produce.

Also, I have always wanted to build a house. I like architecture.


Similarities between MTG and programming

I am seeing so many more similarities now it’s so interesting.

Well first of all the way MTG is set up is so that it is “Turing Complete” and people have created Turing machine decks, if that is interesting for you.

What I notices though goes beyond that. I have been trying to line of MTG and programming side by side to see the areas that one has that the other doesn’t to maybe discover how my attitudes and behaviors during each activity affect my enjoyment and then try to correct that in learning programming so that it can be fun.

So I realized in MTG I really enjoy

Making unorthodox decks -> the programming equivalent might be using different methods to create a specific program

This leads me to…

Sifting through hundreds of cards looking for ones that do things I like -> The programming equivalent here I think will be learning libraries, and I would want to focus on learning the standard library.

I realized that the magic card deck (in play) is called the “library” and it’s where you draw cards from. I feel like this is not a coincidence.

So I realize I’ve heard people talk about “the library”, the “standard library” etc but I’ve mostly just tuned it out. I just thought it sounded boring and I probably wouldn’t need to think about it and I could just be creative.

Now I feel like just the same as in MTG, having that “player’s guide” with all the different cards so I can see what does what, is actually what enabled me to be more creative and then have more fun. It might have even been that I was resistant to expanding my horizons in this way. It may have even been that I almost didn’t get into MTG because of these hurdles, but then after doing so and seeing how I could express myself, it became more fun.

Iunno, I don’t think there was too much resistance though, but things like reading the rule book were beyond me. I loved the art work and the literature and the fact that it was a game and extremely novel. I feel like for a while I may have resisted learning the mechanics of the game, at least the more intricate areas, thinking it was hampering my creativity. However eventually I learned that the mechanics define the creativity.

So I wonder if I’m going through a similar process here. I wonder if what I said about learning MTG was even true. Iunno, I’m pretty sure that some games did have this feature, were things were boring at first and made me want to quit but eventually I caught on to the advantages. Like having to memorize codes in mortal combat to do attacks. There was a time when that was intimidating by friends could do them and so I kind of learned the importance of learning them for the sake of future fun.

It’s like, maybe it was boring until I found out well I could express myself creatively once I knew it, then it became fun?

So it’s like, if the initial interest isn’t high enough there will be a lag time where I don’t enjoy it or just can’t express myself in it. However once I am familiar with the system I’ll be able to be extremely creative with it, and then I’ll enjoy it.

So it’s like, some people would learn how to play magic the gathering by buying a pre-constructed deck. They are satisfied with knowing that there are pre-constructed decks and they play with them. Or maybe they learn that pros have created deck lists that you can use to make one of those decks, so they do that. They are satisfied knowing that they can build a pre-built deck, and maybe tweak it a bit, and play with it and win.

So I would compare this to the school of thought where you learn how to program by trying to build a project that someone else has done, or follow tutorials.

However, the way I learned and grew more interested in MTG was not that way at all. I realize now that to improve it might be wise to study the pros choices and just over all theory, if I want to make a “tournament ready” deck. However, the thing that has motivated me from the start, has been the creativity of having thousands of cards to choice from and put together in combinations that do interesting things, and win using unorthodox methods.

So I feel like when it comes to programming it might work better if I go about it the same way. I mean, if I want a program that actually functions, I might need to have an idea of something to work on, or an area to work it, but I feel like beyond that I need to not limit my creativity. I need to support it.

Also I guess for me I often focus on individual cards that do interesting things, instead of on a big deck or thing that I want to do. I focus more on various ideas I want to express within a given deck.

I guess I could try to do that while learning programming. Just read up about some cool algorithms, cool things that can be done, and then combine some of them in a new way?

Gamification: Try to solve it a different way (discovery)

The title is basically the whole post but I need to elaborate.

How I got to this idea is that I wonder why I like MTG deck building but not programming when they use the same logical process and MTG does require implementation which in most cases I would bawk(spelling?) that implementation process.

I mean, programming, and math, are interesting, and powerful ideas. However, actually sitting down to do it, is usually not.

MTG is not fun if I’m just making a deck with no one to play, however the fact that I need to “test my deck out” on someone, could be a factor in that, where as with programming and math it is just either working or not working.

So I realized in MTG the thing that has always kept me interested is that I would always try to think of other ways to achieve my goals, never just doing the tried and true methods. I always want to challenge myself to make something work that otherwise wouldn’t work.

So I want to try this with programming. I know for a fact that I can get at least a small amount of interest from math in the rare times I feel there may be an alternative method to solving a problem. I wonder if it’s just that I could show it to someone else, but I feel it could be even more about the contribution I would be making by discovering that I could do something a new way.

It’s like, it’s my power. The thing that sets me apart and makes what I am doing feel valuable and therefore fun.

So I want to try to apply this to programming. I could start with the simplest programs and tutorials and just trying to do things in a totally different way than is being taught. It might require that I search the libraries even more frequently. This would be just like searching magic binders for new ideas of things to add to a deck. Then, to be able to comment the code and share it with other people, would be a way of having an intellectual connection.

I feel like school systems that don’t reward this way of playing, discourage it.

So if personal development and challenge were important for me, than this creative challenge would be a great way of getting that.

The reason I guess that in cases like this where I am willing to implement the new idea, is that instead of just saying “oh, I just thought of something, we could solve this a different way”, in this situation I actually have to prove that I can do it. I can’t just say it’s possible because maybe it’s not, or maybe it is but it’s horrendously inefficient. I have to prove it otherwise and it’s almost like it’s easier to actually implement it, than to explain exactly why it’s possible. Also like, if I can’t even see that it is, I need to implement it even just to prove it to myself.

Damn, in starcraft I am the same way. Looking for different ways of solving things. The thing is, in starcraft and MTG and music, trying out new ways of doing things results in lot’s of losses and music that most people don’t care to hear lol. Also at least with MTG and starcraft, it is a very small world and there are only so many possibilities and people can actually calculate at least most of the best ways of doing things. Therefore trying new things more often wont result in winning more and in games like that winning is the only way the work will pay off. SO winning is based WAY more on just doing what works and practicing those things for months.

With programming, even if my new method is not as good as the original, I am still learning and that leads to jobs.

Social-Emotional Ability and Human Evolution

I’m am continuing to notice the importance of certain social factors. Humor is an important one. A little humor goes a long way in improving the social environment around me I notice. As well as even just my outlook. For instance, sometimes when I go to the gym I get in a serious mood. Like, I feel like I have to be in this serious zone to get the most out of my workouts, and I see people around me, checking each other out, and it’s like a silent admiring/competing/respecting/judging vibe and it’s so easy for me to just fall into the aloof gym working out hard core and ignoring everyone, At least it helps me maintain my own sense of achievement and importance and only let in people who seem to be respecting or admiring me. However, I guess there is a part of me that just enjoys that serious mode. It’s kind of empowering, so I don’t think it’s all posturing.

However, I realized for trying to get to know people actually, like girls etc, that vibe doesn’t work. I mean I still get checked out, but it’s not the real me and so I can’t turn around and try to be friendly because I’m just in the wrong state of mind. It’s like I’m so focused on that state (which is only compounded when girls are actually ATTRACTED to that state, that I put aside the more playful side of me and just assume the serious state is working. However it isn’t “working” if I can’t approach in that state. I realize though that I can easily, once I realize what I’m doing and the consequences change my mind and just go into the humorous side of myself if I want, provided my mood is good enough generally.

Anyways the main thing I wanted to write about was that I get this feeling like I would love to contribute to science like to human evolution, and to my own evolution. However, science is huge, and many of these improvements to many people working on them. So it seems like it doesn’t make sense for me to try and go at my own evolution alone. It makes more sense for me to focus on 1. my ideas, and 2. sharing those ideas with others and reaching consensus AND 3. I feel like social skills like humor go a long way to improving human interaction which is important for team work which is important for scientific progress.

So this helps me get a better idea of what I have to offer in this area.

Also as far as motivation which I was talking about a few posts ago, knowing how to inspire people and make learning material interesting would be very important in teaching other people about ideas so they can be on the same page.

Actually if I look at what ways there are in improve human life beyond just going into science and into research, there are several alternatives. One is investing IN those scientific advances. So really you just need a job to get the money to invest. Beyond that is to start an initiative to get other people involved in investing and supporting the same organizations. This leads to more general political stuff. Really though “politics” seems really a murky area. I’d rather stick to educating the public, ground level stuff, and let them do the right thing, whatever that is.

So that also gives me more ideas. Like, maybe what I really want is to speak to people about the importance of science and what the world could look like very soon if more people got together to help shape it. Really it’s all about what you can get people to come together to focus on. If not enough people come together to focus on human rights issue in other countries, nothing will be done in those other countries. Same with things like scientific improvement. If people don’t come together around important causes, if everyone remains distracted by things that ARE more entertaining to the majority, then the people who see the importance of science will remain the minority.

I’m not sure if I should focus on science or on human rights though. However, I feel like I could enjoy educating people about movements in either area even if those movements are not by own creation. However, I also would probably have ideas and would want to have them heard if any of them were THAT good.

Motivational Instincs: Social-Sexual , and the trouble with careers

I just realized something that might be extremely helpful.
I’ll describe the thoughts leading up to it.

So beyond varying my study material so that I can stay engaged, the things I am focusing on, have to have meaning to me.
I love school, but I don’t love studying for tests if I’m not going to retain or find value in the information afterwards. I love discussions in class and connecting with classmates, and I love learning ideas that I DO find useful.

When learning on my own i also tend to gravitate towards topics that will have a use in my life such as learning a new language, fitness, music, etc. So I wonder, what is one topic that will have use in my life that will also be useful to others. Well I realized that just being able to connect with other people which is something I’ve spent my whole life trying to figure out how to do, is very important. As well it seems the disease of civilization is that some people are losing the ability to connect, or just they are losing connections some how and it is a huge source of depression and anxiety.

Some people just find it easy to connect on whatever level they do and they stick to the groups they are born into (race, culture, socio-economic classes etc). Maybe that works for them but to me I only see missed opportunities to connect with people outside of that and therefore grow. I life my life outside of that so I have no choice. I feel that within the same cultures, the same families etc, there still isn’t enough connections being made. I mean, Japan has an extremely high suicide rate for a country that is supposed to be so homogenous.

Anyways, I don’t want to do something if I can’t see it making a big enough difference that either I make a living, or I don’t need to because I change the world to that extent. So I continued my thought experiment by thinking about what I could do with the understandings of different people and how they relate and how to connect with them. I don’t think being a guidance councilor is my destiny for instance.

I thought back to a few posts ago where I realized again that I can get interested in lot’s of different things, including math, if I am at least discussing these topics with someone else who is interested in them. At the time I thought it was that I needed to like them but today I read about the “social-sexual instinct” which is described asĀ  almost exactly what I needed to hear lol:

To provide mental and emotional stimulation for others.

If it was exact maybe it would say something about connection as well. However it helps me see that it’s not as much about people who are “cool” as people who are passionate. I stumbled on this because I was looking for a dating website that would go based on type, because I do abysmally otherwise do to the huge factor that race seems to play online and my interest in other races than my own. Another example of the challenges I’ve faced when it comes to connection. Anyways I stumbled on projectevolve and then today I sat down to my laptop with the idea of connection and then read about social-sexual instincts and it clicked. I feel like it’s hard to see where this type fits into society because most people don’t say they are looking for this. Most people say they are looking for someone who can produce a product or a service, not someone who can make deep friendships based on passion. However, apparently this is a thing, so I want to see where it goes.

If I hadn’t read about this instinct I guess I would have tried out the position of connecting with people and seeing where it goes. It seems too important to my own well-being not to. However, iunno at what capacity I would have done so. In fact I still don’t. I just want to read more right now and figure out where this type would fit it.


so I have this observation that becoming less engaged is likely to happen in learning when the learning is done in a way that has little variation.

A broad example of this would be, learning new material, but using the same methods, never changing. Could get boring.

Even more interesting though is within a single learning session, what makes it harder to remain engaged.

Today (as has happened before) I realized the importance of skimming over the less important information in a text for school that was very wordy. Skimming until I “find” something that strikes me as significant allows me to get and stay engaged and even motivates me to go back to stuff I skimmed if I need to , in order to make sense of the more interesting bits.

I feel like my motivation hinges at least partly, on how significant what I am learning could be to my life and/or the world. Or how important it is for ME to know the specific thing.

Anyways, that is a tangent. The main thing I want to get at is if for example I am learning Hanzi and just reviewing or making stories the same way for 20 or so, how can it possiby remain engaging. It seems sometimes that being “engaged” for me, actually allows for some moving in and out of focus, or at least having different areas to focus on, instead of being focused on one thing only for a long period of time.

Another example of this : Jogging outside vs on a treadmill facing a wall vs outside with music.

The more things you get to focus on at once, the more fun the task can become.

So we have SIGNIFICANCE of the material, and MULTIPLE POINTS OF FOCUS (Novelty).

SO with learning a language I feel it is easier to remain engaged if I have more to focus on or work on at once, instead of just one thing.

So for example learning sentences instead of hanzi.
Hanzi: learn the meaning/story, repeat for each one

Sentences(the way plan on trying): Search for interesting sentence, add it, read it and pronounce it, write it down, see translation(the interesting phrase you picked), next.

The sentences way is more work, but it’s also way more and varied activity so I feel like it could be more fun.

The novelty factor is present when I skim to the important stuff as well because if the important stuff is stuff I already get, then it isn’t that fun. I like important stuff that is NEW to me. Skimming to increase the probability of finding that kind of stuff, makes the process more enjoyable.

Even working out with weights is more fun when there is more going on around me. People, music, increasing weights.

So I guess if I can seek novelty in all my work maybe that’s what I need. However, I want to seek novelty without having to create it all myself. I create some, especially when day dreaming, or in class discussions. However, I feel like…iunno, like a streamlined process of learning would have me just seeing or coming across all novel material enough that I wouldn’t have to be creative all the time. I mean, reviewing my own creativity can get dul very fast as I’ve seen in learning Hanzi.

I could benefit from reading/skimming multiple texts on the same subject.

Iunno, I kind of feel like as far as physical fitness is concerned…the only valid equivalent I can see is striving to improve vs maintain. As long as the workout is going, you get the mood boost. The body doesn’t get “bored” of doing the same exercising, but instead doing those makes the CNS wire the movement patterns more efficiently.

Iunno, the main thing is that I don’t get bored nearly as easily workout my body. I guess as I wrote in another post, working out doesn’t require all my focus. I can day dream in between sets, or simply just mire my reflection.

I guess it’s also like music or singing that way. An expression of beauty, doesn’t get old the same way learning something significant does once you already know it, or learning the building blocks to something significant, if learned all the same way.

The Sharing of Ideas

We work out because if we don’t our bodies wont stay strong or grow stronger but instead will atrophy.

This is because we don’t need to use our bodies as much in the more developed world.

With out minds it’s a different story I guess, so we often have lot’s of thoughts and find it hard to focus.
Iunno, I guess my thing is that I have found a strong passion in personal development and especially in developing my body. However, as far as my mind goes, well I already use it a lot, to solve problems etc. However I don’t try to actively develop it…well actually I guess I get curious about things and so in those cases I do try to develop it. However this is not the same as a regimen designed to stretch my capabilities which is what I have in physical fitness.

There are many options for cognitive development that I could get into, it seems though that I find it hard to stick with things. Especially when they call for memorization which means focusing on something long enough to remember it, and not on all the other things I might otherwise want to focus on. So why can’t I focus on memorizing the things I want to memorize without getting bored? Also, should I learn how to focus on those things?

I feel like part of it is that everyone talks about doing what you’re passionate about, that it’s the way to do well. Sure I can see evidence for this if I look at my GPA in college not being that high. However, it could also have been the college, the teachers, etc. I mean, now I’m in university and this is supposed to be the stuff I am interested in. So why don’t I feel like studying? I am still looking for something else.

So I kind of feel like that something else…well part of it is that I want to be able to support myself and don’t want to have to do a 9-5 job I hate. The other part though, I feel like I’m just not inspired. I feel like to be inspired…the things that inspired me growing up, were who I could become. Who I could become if I worked hard enough at it. Not who I could become if I did only things I enjoy.

Although of course there are somethings I couldn’t stick with because more than just being boring, they were also inefficient ways of getting to my goals.

Hmmm, well I decided to read some of my political philosophy homework, the stuff about John stuart Mill who is supposed to be the same MBTI type as me, and on the first page was his childhood where mentors pushed him to become an “intellectual giant” which lead to an “intellectual and emotiona breakdown” after which point he turned to poetry for emotional experiences. So now I’m thinking maybe I’ll need more than just becoming awesome.

If I think about it, for one thing it might b foolish for us to think of ourselves as being so significant.

For another thing even my workouts go way better when I am working out in a public gym, vs just at home.

So maybe I need to focus on the people aspect of my life. Maybe that is what is missing, what will push me to become what is best for me.

It could be that what is missing from my learning, remains, that I don’t get enough opportunity to express that knowledge to others. Like learning a language but never using it. Like working out but never showing off you rock hard ab/ss. So I feel with school, that for some reason, the most important thing for me, is being able to share my ideas.

I remember the one time I was taking with my professor at college, through email. Until 12 midnight we were going back and forth with emails, just discussing ideas. Well I was discussing ideas that I didn’t understand and he was helping my understand them, and I was frantic in my attempt to pass that class. However, I felt something there. Not only did I feel gratitude at how much he was willing to put into helping me with my studies, but I guess I felt hope that he might see and respect the way I think.

So what I think I would enjoy far more than studying just for the sake of knowing things, is studying so that I can share and expand on all those things with whoever else is interested. Programming is another example. If I could be programming with someone else, who can see all the thoughts that come out, and the learning etc, it would feel meaningful.

Just like how I don’t try to get good at MTG if I have no one else to play with.

So then, when it comes to WHAT subject I want to study…maybe what is more important is WHO is around me that is willing to let me share my thoughts with them, and has enough to say in response that will keep me interested.

Language Learning: Muscle Memory and Passive Auditory Imprinting

“Passive Auditory Imprinting” Is really just a name I’m giving for the idea Khatsumoto from gives the idea of learning things through “osmosis” or passive listening. Where for example, if you hear the same phrase over and over, even if you don’t actively pay attention to it, you will become familiar with that phrase. Another example is learning a song or the words to a commercial even if you aren’t trying to.

I call it passive Auditory imprinting, and I stress “imprinting” because to me that feels like the best way to describe what is happening, at least for the moment and because this idea of imprinting seems to have other ways of occurring that I want to discuss.

First though, the reason why I find this idea important. It is because I find learning things actively to require a lot of resources and therefore not efficient. I mean, the worst example of this is creating mnemonics, where you focus completely on this task for the period of time that you are creating them AND all the reviews of the mnemonics you create.

Why is this not efficient?

For some people I’m sure it is efficient. For me though, I find myself constantly thinking, “damn I have to make up stories and review and actively recall meanings and stories of words. I have to remember a lot of information actively. I have to spend this time doing this, when I could be thinking about so many other interesting things. That is what makes it a burden.

Working out isn’t a burden for me. Doing chores not really, a physical part time job not really, but sitting down to review information that I already know so I don’t forget it, running over the same pathways, consciously,almost as if I never even made them before. That sucks.

A bit better is learning by trying to make connections. It’s still very active but it can rely on context more than creativity.

I feel like remembering things is important. I really got thinking about these ideas because of this fact, being able to remember a lot of facts is important for success in most fields and at least for the moment, it is not practical to try to get around it, in the school system at least.

Language learning as well is another huge example of where memorizing facts can become the “make or break” point. Learning Chinese requires being able to read and write 3000+ unique symbols.

This brings me to my next idea. Because learning Hanzi through mnemonics and review of those mnemonics becomes mind numbing very fast for me, because in general, memorizing can have this same effect, I need a way to be able to do memorization without it being a burden. Without having to sacrifice my cognitive resources.

Now here is my solution, which is pretty much going against the new way of doing things. I want to learn Hanzi by rote. As I write them out 10 or so times each, I will not have to think about them nearly as much. I can think about anything, let my mind wander in and out of focus. As long as the strokes are right and as long as I somehow fit the meaning to them. Either by only learning sentences which would have built in context for far more Hanzi at once. Or even paragraphs of text, just writing the whole paragraph out, knowing what it’s about, until I’ve memorized it and can write it on command. Or just write the hanzi while saying the name each time. Simple things like that.

I’ll still learn them. Why because of another type of imprinting. Muscle memory imprinting. My muscles(and parts of my central nervous system) will learn the Hanzi. I will be able to access those parts either when I write, or by imagining writing the words, and eventually just because I’ll have used them enough.

Now here is an interesting question. Is writing in big letters, the same as hearing a song played at a louder volume, in terms of increasing your ability to remember it. Or does a song only need to be loud enough to be clear, and writing something you see, the same as seeing the symbols clearly.

So this brings me to a whole philosophy about learning. Should we be trying to force our learning(of boring material) into consciousness awareness? Or is it better left to other parts of the central nervous system to store, and then we process and internalize further as needed?

I’ll end this by saying it sees some thing we are passionate about “knowing and understanding require a foundation of memorizing things we feel are not interesting. This method is a way to memorize those less interesting things in a way that uses more kinesthetic resources instead of the deeper conscious cognitive processes we want to use for the fun stuff.

Who do I want to work with

This seems to be an unexplored area when it comes to job hunting. That I believe could be as a result of 1. the focus I’ve had on my independence (before it was, wanting to be successful all by my self etc) and 2. my not wanting to cheapen relationships by making money a part of them.

Well, now I feel like, I can see why networking is important. It’s not like we are COMPETING for limited spots. It’s more like, we don’t have enough of a network for everyone to be able to trust each other. I mean, people higher people they KNOW because they TRUST and LIKE those people. I can get into how to become more likable but that would take a long time and be different for each person. TRUST I think comes naturally if you are involved in something you think is worth while.

Um, so the thing I want to get at is, it seems for me, that the reason why the job market seems so much like a no man’s land, is less because of my education etc, and more about my level of socialization. It’s funny that my ability to be social etc has been something I’ve been trying to figure out from the start.

Well a milestone for me I think is that I’ve been able to hook someone else with a job lol, meaning I have a network that works at least one way so it is functional. I guess I could keep trying to work on that direction, helping other people get work, and upholding other people’s good name.

However, I feel like, I would feel more secure if I knew I had a job lined up for me at some point down the line. Iunno, It’s weird because I’m kind of like, I have a lot of leadership qualities and so it’s so easy for me to see what other people would be good at. However, when it comes to me, what could I do for someone else, what cog could I fit into. I’m at a loss there.

One thing I know I can do is make friends, as long as I do it purely for the purpose of friendship. Another thing I am pretty sure I can do is come up with ideas and lead a group in achieving a goal. Now, if I could think of a goal worthy of getting people together for it, without the focus being on money, I guess I would be set.

If I could think this way instead of thinking what could I do all by myself, maybe I would come closer to my idea job description.

If I need to search for any jobs in the future though I would probably want to apply for manager or assistant manager positions. This is way more in-line with my desire to work with people and with strategies, than anything else like programming etc.

So really all I need to do, is find people who would trust me and like me enough to let me fill that role. So how do I get to be seen in such a light. I guess I need to just keep doing what interests me, but better. Instead of being half-assed, always looking for the next thing, I need to pick some things to stick with and see through. I think it would be best that I be a leader in some form or another.

Or, I could just get involved with the people who do things I enjoy, and on the side keep helping other people network etc. I feel as I said that it’s more about who I want to work with, than how much money I make. In that case, I guess I could be happy just “volunteering” or just working with friends on things. Not worrying about the money for now. I mean I could just go and get whatever job I can find, but I feel it wont be one that will be good for me. However, if I found some start-ups etc, that might work better for me.

“dont’ star a business unless it’s an obsession”…hmmm. What could I get obsessed about, in a business sense. I mean I get obsessed about lot’s of stuff, but rarely something with other people in mind. Well I guess Khats did the same type of thing with Ajatt. For me it would probably be something I am similarly obsessed with.

Or iunno. I could focus on world piece and see if something strike me. Or I could focus on business itself and think of new systems to improve business and then try to sell or use those ideas somehow.

Or ideas at the intersection of health relationships and money, like how working out will improve work efficiency, etc. However, I should therefore be able to practice what I preach. Same with relationships etc.

Or if I were to start a business on my own it would probably be something like an indie game.

The body: Technique

I enjoy writing fiction. However, I wonder why it is so hard to see it as something we should be paying for. I’m sure not everyone else sees it this way, but for me, I feel like, not a lot of support is given to fiction writers and it makes sense?

I feel like the basic thing about “health, wealth, and relationships” being the three biggest areas to write about, is sound.

Now, if you could weave some true insight in some of these areas, into your fiction, then I guess it would be even better.

“Spreading out and spreading out and scientific improvements”

These first two are both ways in which I think I might benefit from adjusting my way of thinking.

The first way is that I might benefit from spreading out in what jobs I’m willing to take. I have this idea that I need to have some set stable job that pays well, but is also part time. However, I feel like maybe I am built for a totally different lifestyle.
Either way though I would rather have jobs were I am working with other people instead of alone with clients. I just feel lonely and as if I’m disconnected from everyone else other wise. I guess though, that if I take multiple jobs it would be ok that just a few of them were more lonely feeling. Iunno. This also makes me feel like I could even do personal training as long as it was not a main gig.

So this makes me feel like I don’t have to necessarily look for a way to increase my skills, but just look for jobs that my skills fit. I’ve wondered about this for a while because I haven’t been just sitting on my hands this whole time. I have been developing in many different areas. It’s just that this economy makes it seem like all those different areas are mostly irrelevant. AT THE SAME TIME, all those jobs that I’d need to gain technical skills for, also views part time work and short term work as irrelevant. So it’s like everything about the steady paycheck goes against what I want in life.

So I want to make a list of all the types of work I have skill in, and instead of just trying to get good in one area, try to work on a few of them, in terms of getting some form of clientele. Well there are two ways of going about this actually. The first is
through the areas where I can just get work.

Security guard, is probably the only one here, if I can get a job sitting down.
Teaching English and resume correction

(as I get better at writing I could do essay proofreading as well maybe)
I would put personal training here as well but I would need to get a certificate etc.

Next is the areas that are more creative, that if I just put effort into meeting people I could probably get somewhere. I might have to improve in these areas, but it would be better to improve as I go along instead of sitting on my hands.

Comedy (at least comedy writing)
Short Story Writing
etc creative writing

Producing music

So if I plan to make a go at any of these areas, I should probably focus on getting jobs in them since I already have a grasp at least, on them. Instead of just saying “one day when I’m good enough”

the second way of spreading out is within each job, am I willing to do things I don’t like? See when it comes to performance based jobs, I think it’s not really a problem. I am being paid for putting in time. For instance, who likes dishes really? However, after doing them for a while at work and actually becoming very efficient with them, I kind of enjoy it. My creativity comes out once in a while as I find better ways of doing the dishes.

So this same phenomenon of me not really disliking the doing process, can be seen in many different activities. The more physical the job, the more I can start liking it actually, but even something like singing or playing a song I don’t really like, can be ok I guess. As well, when I play music I don’t really like sometimes mistakes or changes I make end up making the song appealing to me. So I could treat it as an exploration of music as a whole instead of just seeing it as me playing a song that will always sound bad to me. Math is also kind of ok, like doing statistics , although I only do as much as I need to get the marks I need.

However, when it comes to creating something, or learning something, it’s a different story. I certainly don’t enjoy learning things that don’t interest me. Like learning lot’s of uninteresting facts all at once lol. I also don’t like the idea of creating uninteresting things, like writing an article on an uninteresting topic (this might be one of the shittiest as it also means I have to learn about these boring ideas as well. So what I think I can do here, is leave the creative stuff for when inspiration hits and then just market those things. Beyond that I can practice and perform stuff that is at the intersection of what I like and song other people like. Then as I learn those other songs, and slowly alter those songs other people like to suit me, I will be gathering ideas that I can use in my own creations.

These leads me to the third idea. When it comes to creativity for pleasure it is kind of hard to say who is “better”, in that I could make a song that I like but no one else does so then is it a good song or a bad song. It’s very subjective.

When it comes to creativity for problem solving it’s more clear that a solution is a solution, and a more efficient solution is probably even better.

When it comes to performance though, it’s like the creativity is minimized and the focus is on the efficiency of technique. So for instance, in singing, the technique and the tone of voice etc will matter more than what is being sung often. Adding original ideas is cool but it seems not as impressive. With music production it seems to be that way as well in that it’s more important that whatever you make comes together properly to carry the song.

It’s like the difference between the body and the mind almost. The thing is, it’s possible to create ways of improving the body through research AND creativity and often practice. This is harder to do with the creativity aspect of art because the creativity is only as good as it is subjectively appreciated by the consumer. However it seems all consumers recognize the body. The technique that turns basically anything into art.

So it almost makes sense to spend more time on the body. The inspiration comes and goes, tastes change, but if you have a strong body you will always be presentable in some form.

Well another way to do this is to realize that as long as you have a strong body, you can perform whatever and the passion doesn’t have to be there. The body though, can then be put towards things you like, for yourself, including whatever studying and learning you do in the areas of creativity.

It’s just like how I realized it’s important or at least more fun, to be stronger and faster physically, instead of always needing to have the fastest reaction time, if in a sparring match. The physical things are more trainable and creating more efficient ways of training them is very doable. Next is building up a repertoire of automatic reactions to attacks, or even just getting better with keeping the right distance. Lastly you can attack with set techniques and or create a situation specific strategy, or you can do things on the fly, because when you have such a solid base, most things will work out.

So it’s building the body is everything that supports your creativity without actually being that creativity. This can even include things like your mood, your experiences, your vocabulary, etc.

So it’s like, for many people, how you sing is more important than what you sing. Although this could also mean having the right emotion behind it, I thinkĀ  the body could even encompass emotions. Or at least your supply of available emotion.

This creativity I have to say is different than solving problems, and comedy falls under solving problems because it is like trying to see the problem in a situation, but in a funny way. So I wonder if I could focus my energy on just building techniques in art forms I like, and hope if I do it in a very scientific way, I can come out with something worthy of an audience, but that will also make more personal artistic expressions better.

Yeah, creativity is the fun part usually, at least when I’m inspired, and usually the personal part. The hard part and the part that will probably pay best, is the technique, the body.

This could go for writing in general as well. I know my writing structure is sometimes a bit off according to academic standards and I could probably fix this.

I mean, to be honest, I feel like if I were to be paid for the stuff I can do now, it would set me up for stunted development. It has felt for the last little bit like there was something I should be working on but I haven’t known what. It seems though that it is perfecting technique. Like I just notice I have been going through life a bit sloppily in some areas. It doesn’t feel right that it should just be who I am and never change. It feels like something I should conquer, that will lead me to more actualization.

So yeah it feels like the creativity is the fun part. All the skills and technique and learning though needs to be in place in order for that creativity to come out in it’s highest form. Is it worth taking on such a challenge of focusing in on technique and such? I wouldn’t do it for every area of my life at once. Just a few important areas at a time. One will be singing because I feel it’s just that important.Writing would be a good second choice especially since I’m in school. Then the third important one would be music production. For writing I guess I would only use those techniques in the creation of writing for myself or based on topics I already want to write about. With music I guess it’s more open since music is made to be enjoyed where as some writing is just informational.

Also I kind of feel like I might as well try some dance/acting if that is what would feel good for me. It seems I’m more interested in things that can be performed, or performed with. Not just things that I make that just sit there. If I could dance it would give me another tool for expressing myself on the fly, to music, which would be cool.

Actually now that I think about it, what is it about performance that is so rewarding. I mean, because games or just overcoming a challenge, can also be rewarding, without being a performance. Is it that performance as very small wait time between attempting to make something cool and recieving the feedback that it’s indeed cool. Like with singing you get serotonin and dopamine I think, when you sing. Iunno. So I wonder if I could do things in such a way that the rewards are frequent enough, could I enjoy something like programming? Where as otherwise I would get bored if it took to long to make something? Or competitions where the focus isn’t on the thing being built, but being the smartest when it comes to building it.

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