What comes out of boredom

So I was on the bus to school, thinking about the new perspective, of just enjoying surroundings and environment. Finding that sense of connection, even when alone. So I was trying to focus on that but I found myself…bored. So then I decided being able to connect by myself is one thing, but it’s like, it has it’s place. Like, when I really feel lonely, or it just hits me, iunno. When I’m bored though, what naturally comes out of it, is creativity. I started building a song in my head without really thinking about it. So I decided I would run with that idea and create the song on my laptop when I got to school.

Then I thought, creativity is a form of connection as well. So are other activities as long as you find yourself in that kind of zone.

After that I found myself focusing on two things throughout the day

one was increasing my testosterone levels

The other was figuring out a way to do what the song I created was inspiring me to do. It wanted me to do some really epic physical challenges. Like, that’s what would go with the music to me.

After trying to take a nap because I was listening to my body, I though, well it seems like a type of obstacle course would be what I’d want. Only it would have to be a huge almost otherworldly type of thing, with platforms, and whirlpools that suck you under when you jump in and spit you out some where else in the course, and those walls with pegs so it’s hard to climb. Iunno, the best I could do right now is draw what I think it should look like because I am in no position to make it happen at this time.

Anyways, I started trying to psych myself up back into the state I was in earlier but with little success because as I found out moments ago, I’ve been running on almost empty. I guess 45 min walk in the morning could have something to do with both that and the creativity in the morning.

I also did some research into testosterone, because it hadn’t hit me yet that I was just tired. I was focused on why my sex drive wasn’t there. Still learned some stuff though. I was actually about to walk to the store to buy some garlic to see if it will boost testosterone levels like I’ve heard, but I thought, no the whole problem seems to be that I keep trying to force myself to have energy, to do things, because what, because at one point I did them, so I assume I “should” remain that way. (Like I learned in psychology that frontal lobe in teens developed making them see all possibilities but no obstacles, consequences etc, so they become more creative etc. I had often though in my mid twenties, what happened to the teenage me who had so many dreams. Thing is, I still do, I’m just more developed than I was before.) Then it hit me that I was actually just tired, but it’s only 7:40 something. To early to sleep. So I decided, maybe I’ll just play my new song and sit and play with my hands. I put my hands in the form of a cup almost without thinking. Then I thought, it’s like I’m saying to the universe, “I’m empty, please give me some energy”. This is boredom and this is creativity. Then I thought of something else I could add to this song.

So if you think about it, everything I did from the time I finished that song, until now, was mostly based on something I thought I “should be”, when the reality was just not that.

I thought I should have a way to realize an obstacle course irl and not have it just be a dream

I thought I should have the energy to get into some form of training right now

I thought I should have a high sex drive

All of these when the reality, where the real “shoulds” come from, was that I am tired and don’t have the resources to make an obstacle course on my own. The reality is that I shouldn’t be horny, because I’ve been extremely active without the proper nutrition and sleep to back it up thus far.

This song still speaks to me though. It says, you can get even stronger, more attractive etc. Is that wrong? It seems goals like that are good. Having goals is good. Maybe the problem is I expect too much from myself too soon. I can think of more goals than I can achieve in a life time. Not that I shouldn’t keep thinking of them. Just that it might be wise to not try to act on all of them, but to keep them as ideas. If they remain ideas, they can be acted upon by me or anyone else, at anytime. Where as if I try to do the thing, own the thing, it seems it get’s in the way of things that are more basic but more healthy for me to actually be doing.

For example, weights vs calisthenics/back flips. weights seem to do more for me, but the fact that it seems so easy, so normal, makes it seem unworthy in comparison to the possibilities I can think of. However, maybe it’s actually best if instead of trying to act on all my ideas, I focus my energy on those basic things, and then let my ideas pour out and I can just tell people about them.

Also, I guess my health isn’t really a “simple” or “easy” thing. It’s actually an ideal. To be healthy, very healthy, and look great, and feel great. Weight training is kind of like, challenging one’s self to see just how healthy they can get. I guess that is worth doing. I man, health is life, it’s challenging life, trying to get more time.

heh, it’s funny, I’ve been at this for so long, but not a personal trainer. I guess it’s cool though. If I wanna look at it as something that should help others, I’m sure I inspire other people. However, part of me wants to keep this as something that is just for me. Iunno, it makes me wanna get into genetic engineering cause it feels like, All I can get out of this is muscles. Is that evolution. However, I guess working out could actually have a huge effect of my brain, especially the more I learn about how to improve. However, how long can I keep this up. Where is this going? I could turn it into a kind of meditation by being more and more aware of my body as I do the movements. Iunno.

I guess I could work on other pars of me as well although aesthetics as a kind of appeal, like sexually, that stuff like back-n training does not for me. lol. Oh, flexibility. I want that too if I can have it. I guess this is like a kind of yogic lifestyle almost. Just worshiping or improving upon the human body, through application of it’s own adaptive abilities.

We work so hard at our goals. Even if not for someone else’s love, at least to improve our mood. However, good moods I guess aren’t promised to us either. We try though, because what else is worth doing.

So , should I be striving to better my mood and make it more stable. Or should I just let go. It’s tricky but I think it’s possible to do both at once. Work to improve mood but not expecting anything to last(which in a way keeps the bad moods from being too bad). It sucks to think this way because it means none of the things you would want to really enjoy about life, will be super enjoyable. Not when you know they can be taken away at any moment and you’ll have to work again to get them back. However, there is also this underlying sense that everything is ok, when you can accept things like loneliness, and not achieving everything, etc. It feels kind of beautiful, like I’m not beating myself up over it and forcing myself to be something different. If I don’t end up achieving anything in life or making all my dreams come true, it’s no big deal.

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