Intimacy and Connetion When Alone

Not much to say here. Today was an interesting day.
Now that I’m back home, well I was just on the computer surfing random youtube videos. Looking without any really aim, and lot feeling satisfied, just if anything numb and distracted. So I decided I would just turn the laptop away from me for a second and see how I felt. I felt tired. So I’m going to bed.

“bed time” is a very intersting state. Falling asleep either with other people
in the house or alone, seems to have a level of intimacy.

I’m not sure it this is just a conditioned feeling based on childhood
experiences, or if it that I may dream of other worlds. It could
also be just the way brainwaves change, or the fact that in sleep our
brains make connections.

“Making connections”. That is to say, the brain goes through an intimate
experience.

It is interesting to see how something like falling asleep alone
can feel intimate while something like being in a crowded bar
can feel lonely. I think I want to seek out intimate experiences as opposed
to loneliness. (btw even loneliness can become intimate once you can be
in the moment with it. Louis CK describes this in detail in a clip on youtube.
I think it’s about everyone is on their cellphones these days or something.
You might have to google.

It’s not just that I want to be alone, but I don’t want to be in a position
where I feel disconnected. Now I can kind of see why monks go off in
solitude somwehere. I mean I’m sure there are other reasons, but I always
thought it was to “escape”, and run away from their problems. Now I can
see that they might just do it because solitude is just what they want. It
is where they feel most connected. Although it still feels a bit extrem
like, if we are supposed to be social beings, why are some of us up in a
mountain alone iunno. Could be that we aren’t “supposed” to be anythign
other than happy. It could also be that those monks will stumble upon the right
people this way, or gain the right inspiration to share things with people,
instead of giving up their happiness.

So, I want to seek intimate experiences. The ones through sleep, the ones
through mindfulness, maybe through music although even here I feel like
when I make music I need to decide am I making this to show other people, or
for myself. For myself is far more intimate.
I could get into the habit of making songs and then just deleting them
right after so no one get’s to see. lol, that would force me to just enjoy
them. However, then I wouldn’t get to save them.

So when I had that cold ealier in the year, I was feeling like, if I were
to die it would be so lonely and disconnected, so sad. So I felt like maybe
I should focus on connecting with other people. Now though, I feel like
connection takes on a whole new meaning. It doesn’t have to be with other
people. It just has to be.

I remember this one time listeing to angles by the tea party, I felt like
it was almost my life flashing before my eyes, but in a good way. It was
extremely beautiful and intimate. It was also just me by myself (although
someone else’s music but still).

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