Post-Capitalism: Intrinsic Motivation: Finding mine in school

I had this theory that the universe was based on randomness and duplication. If this were true it would make sense that the two things that would help me thrive would be the motivation for sex(duplication) and for awe(unpredictable?) Still the the idea that it is a “competition” between those two drives doesn’t seem that efficient. However, it feels like what they guy from personality junkie said about NPs is sound in that a lot of the ideas I come across seem almost by accident like it is the universal impulse.

Now, I could just try to focus on reading the text books and doing the homework for the possible ideas I will stumble on and the connections I happen to make. I am working to motivate myself from within an educational system that is not built specifically for me so I have to figure out how to work it. Or maybe the system is fine, and it’s just like jogging where I have to get used to it.

The other possibility is that the universe is made up of not randomness but a system. This makes sense in that the big bang would be a cause, and the rest would be the effect. So if we rewound this to the start and initiated the same bang, we would get the same result. So it isn’t random is it?

It makes more sense that the human then is a system with an urge for duplication
among other elements of it’s system.

My question was, does it make sense for me to have a specific goal, or is it
better to just focus on learning more. Goals are what brought me here in the
first place. Maybe “here” is the goal.

I’ve thought about this before actually. It’s good to have goals that come
to you, but trying to seek out goals to have seems like not the best idea.
It seems unessesary.

Also, why do I get so much more motivation in class where as at home I don’t
just sit around reading the text book. Well, it could be that exchanging ideas
with other people, exressing my ideas, IS a goal for me. If this were the case
it would be good as the more the ideas flow the more can be done for society.
Also my motivation for studying outside of class would be to be ahead so I can
keep up with the conversation and say my peice.

I guess also I could go online and start a blog and try to get other people to
read it etc but that might be too much work for too little reward. Iunno.
It would be a fun side project though, at least in the fun classes. Also yes,
some classes are more fun and rewarding than others. That is part of my problem
right now. I’m talking a lot of classes that just don’t engage me enough,
and don’t generate enough ideas. There is no sense trying to argue that these
classes are actually good for me and that I need to adapt somehow. They are just
not efficient uses of my time.

Or, maybe it depends how I look at the classes. I mean, given the choice I might
not want to have to take states/research/ling, but I migh be able to make them
fun if I:
1. Look at the concepts from different angles, like trying to get deeper into them and
2. Bring out questions based on 1. in class.

So the motivation for doing them is still because have to do them instead of something
more intriguing. However, I can get a lot of fun out of it by doing steps 1. and 2.

If I only did step 1. I would have less motivation to read ahead because I wouldn’t
have a way of contributig based on that extra work.
If I only did 2. well in many cases that is what I have now. I mostly just do 2. and
it works out ok but not great.

I feel like there are a lot of external motivations that could come into play
in education. However I feel that a motivation that will be lasting and enjoyable
it needs to come from within.

So, just like lifting heavy things and running fast because it feels good, I would
rather focus on learning for the sake of learning. I feel like sometimes I become out
of touch with the enjoyment of learning for that sake. However, this could easily
be more about metabolic factors than anything else. When I discover/create a new idea
that is truely awesome, it is empowering and rewarding. The only time it’s…
THE ONLY TIME IT’S NOT, IS WHEN I AM FOCUSING SQUARILY ON WHAT I DON’T HAVE!
(not that I should never focus on what I don’t have, I am not sure, maybe, but
not sure) It seems like learning about sexuality has helped with my understanding of
the world. Although a lot of the big stuff like mbti was learned more for the sake of
finding intrinsic motivation and just plain fun.

When I’m not focused on what I don’t have btw, then there is no underlying goal for my
learning. I just learn because I want to know. Knowing, experiencing, is living.

It’s intrinsic. When people learn to focus in on the intrinsics, there will be
no more “work”. For instance, I’m going to work today not for the money. 34$ or something
for 4 hours of physical labor. I mean yeah it adds up, but I am more there for the
relationships and the physical activity.

People were getting slaves to do their work for them, because they couldn’t see that
the work was actually good for them.

So in order to get to this state where you are only focused on the intrinsic rewards,
I think it has a lot to do with dopamine. It’s like when you let go of all the things
that might be fun to have the dopamine receptors increase. Like, if you were to just
let yourself be bored. Then you would start day dreaming and being creative. I feel like
the getting creative part is what happens when the receptors finally start up regulating.

So if you could upregulate them earlier, through exercise etc, then you would find it
easier to let go of other shit, the extrinsic stuff, and just get motivated.

I feel like this is a big thing. I feel like here the ability of a human to self-acualize
could be improved by things like increase dopamine receptors. So in this sense, it seems
what people need is to be healthy mentally. I mean, understanding the concepts of abundance
and self reliance are important too, but when it comes to actually enjoyin the intrinsic
rewards, dopamine is the reward, so you need to be able to produce and utilize it or you
will just be a couch potatoe monk.

You could see dopamine receptors and that kind of thing as an internal awareness of

what we need to be doing with our time. If we don’t keep it healthy, we start to lose touch

with that internal compass thing. Not that we don’t need to be rational if we have it,

just that it is a drive.

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Productivity: Active Learning = Flexing between Sets 在 the gym, makes 它 fun

Anyways, So, I can promis myself day of awesome productivity if I don’t sleep properly
(althought there is always green tea and/or excercise etc to try and get energy). Even on a
nice kind of rested day though, working on something boring, will be boring. I mean, as
I do more cardio I guess my receptors will improve and I’ll have more ability to just work
on stuff. However, that is only one factor. The other is enjoying the work. You know,
making the time count for something more than jus putting in the hours. That is where
perspective is important. A work out with no music is even ok because it’s kind of rewarding
to get that pump and leave the gym on a bit of a high. Add some good music to that and
you feel bad ass. How do you feel bad ass about studying for an exam.

Well one idea I have is to not make it about “studying” and make it more about actively
creating something as much as possible. Express yourself through your studies. The simple
example is in a lecture, do you just listen and try to absorb, or do you listen, summarize
in your head, try to take notes only on what you think are the key points. Active learning.
I guess it’s not a new concept. It’s usefulness when it comes to making life more rewarding
though, there I think it hasn’t been stressed enough.

I just realize the things I can keep up with best are things where I am active. It takes
more energy initially, but really that is actually better. It takes energy to make energy.
Same with excercising, which I’ve become really consistent with because of this. As well,
I’ve found it to be more rewarding. Now to do the same with something like studying.

Now, I”m going to go straight to the thing I’ve had the hardest time keeping motivation
for. Chinese. What have I been doing. First, not writing out the characters. Doing everything
I can to keep it a completely mental endevour. I feel that will have to change. I will have
to practise speaking out loud, and writing on paper. It’s interesting, I can actually
imagine how rewarding it could be. Repeating a word or sentence until I got it right.
Re-writing a Hanzi neater, faster. So much more to improve on, so many more areas of the
brain being used.

It seems therfore like trying to take the easy way out has ended up being the hard way and
that I will benifit from doing more WORK. Hard work is rewarding, easy work is boring. That
seems to be the basic idea.

Maybe that’s just the extroversion in me though, getting energy from the world or something.
Hmm, I got tired of writing out characters though, that’s why I stopped in the first place.
They just took a long as time with little reward beyond doing them which I would have to
do for a year at that pace.

So what might be better then for me is skipping that learn hanzi phase and moving on to using
Chinese to actually do stuff. Say hi to people online, start a blog in Chinese and write in
it every day, etc. Stuff like that is also active learning and it’s I think more rewarding
and relevant to language, than learning Hanzi in a vacume would be. I think I absorb ideas
fast enough not to need to learn in a vacume. So a blog and I guess a youtube Channel, both for
I guess just sharing sentences I learned and as I learn more trying to combine the sentences
I learn each day to create new novel sentences.

Next, as far as other subjects go, same thing. I think I’ll learn better if instead of trying
to learn the subjects in a vacume I take each new concept I learn and try to think of it
from different angles, maybe look up things based on my ideas, then record all that other stuff
in a blog as well. If I did this it would be serious active study.

Making connetions is to studying, what grunting flexing after lifts is to weight lifting.
If you never get to see your body and your lifts improve, why lift. Same with study etc.
It’s important to be able to be active, with what we learn, to enjoy it, to make something
of it.

Basically, studying wouldn’t be worth the time if I couldn’t see the bad-ass ness of what
I was doing. Music might help, but still, learning Hanzi in a vacume for a year, never trying
to communicate. It’s like, purposely limiting yourself for no reason. Not allowing yourself
to grow, for no reason. Active learning is more than just flexing in the mirror I guess. I
mean it’s like actually seeing the weights go up and down, actually feeling it, trying to
add more weight, etc. Yeah it’s like adding more weight on the bar to see what you can
actually do. Without active learning you are stunting your own growth, and you know it, and
that is why it’s demotivating, I guess.

Making connections (Weight on the bar) + Music(Perspective of bad-assness) maybe= an enjoyable
lifestyle. Especially if the connections you are making are in the realm of science and you
find yourself actually able to contribute. Or it’s in langugae and you find youself more
and more able to communicate with people in that language.

Not saying you need to have an end goal(I work out for the hormonal benifit firstly). Just that
the sense of achievment(beyond any actual end goal) is going to make it addictive in the
short term. Addictive thigs become lifestyles. Productive addictions = productive lifestyles.
Productive lifestyles can then facilitate more things we want, without having to
throw our time away for them (we instead work actively to challenge ourselves and improve
in bad-ass ways).

Oh, and even more importantly I guess is to make it so that your active learning is
in-line with your long term goals. This is for specific types mostly. For example,
I feel like my long term goals revolve around learning things about the universe
and about biology and gaining more control to create. For example, if I could use
what I learn in school to improve body and my mind. See it seems like a lot of
people go into course like psychology hoping to get a “job” when they finish. They
memorize whatever they have to memorize in order to get there. Then they have a “job”,
which is a way to make money to fund other things they want to do. For me that wont be
enough. Damn, either I slept really well, or the maca is working, or both, or possibly
neither, but I am more clear on this now.

It’s not that I need to chose to either go into something for money or go into
it because it is interesting. I go into it with goal independant of money. I go into
it as a scientist, seeking to gain more power. Just like I work out to feel stronger
and look better and feel better. I go into science so I can become a better scientist.
So I can produce things in the feilds that will improve our lives. Money shouldn’t ever
even enter into it. It’s all or nothing.

It’s interesting that this seems so clear to me now. What was missing before?
Was I scared to get to into science in case I were to get bored and then have no
motivation to continue. Did peopel lead me to believe striving to make ground breaking
discoveries was not something I should aspire to? Wow, people really need to figure
their shit out. Not believing in themselves. Well, I have not choice but to believe
in myself, and dare to dream. Anything else would be just too f-ing boring.

Two things kind of trigger this emotion right now. One is this song I made that has this
sort of “unknonw” vibe. The other is the sexually attractive girl I saw at a computer
A fe minutes ago (although I’m not that horny actually).

Music:Perspectives:Productivty

Perspectives

Music can create a whole bunch of different perspectives depending on what
song you choosw. However, I would say most instrumental music would only be
able to convey emotional perspective, but not intellectual concepts. Music with
words can convey I guess the full spectrum of perspective. Not that you will
need all of the spectrum. I’m just trying to conceptualize what is available
and where.

Next there are human perspectives. Many of these are good but I think many are
bad. An example of a good one is when someone shows empathy for another person.
They display the perspective of connectedness and unity of humanity, Etc.
Another one is anime like naruto or DBZ as well as action movies that show main
characters with winning attitudes.

Bad perspectives, I’ll get personal and say bad ones are when a person does something
to make you feel small on purpose, the perspective that they have the power to do so,
and that them doing so is a good thing for them, that they win when you lose.
Furthermore, the perspective of hate/contempt and the instigation of those feelings which are
disempowering and distracting. More personal would be a lover going astray, their
perspective here is that you are not enough. These bad perspectives, are ones you should
avoid, and not adopt, and if it means not being able to connect with the people who
hold them, imo that’s just as well.

So perspectives are a huge topic really. They are basically like alternate states of
consiousness, and what we can be consiousness of, is we chose to keep on living.

Right not the perspectives I want to focus on, or productive ones. Ones that make you
want to work. There are obvious ones like, seize the day, asking yourself if you can
put you name on this day and call it your own. Less healthy ones like no pain no gain.
Interesting ones like work hard play hard. However, these are verbal cues. I am interested
in something more beneath the surface.

I am interested in emotional perspectives on work and productivity. I wrote a few days
ago about how the increase in dopamine and maybe testosterone from my nofap practises
increased my motivation. This effect was only temporarly as was my testosterone and
dopamine boost. I am interested in something I have more control over. Now there are
supplements, and I guess I am already tring maca and maybe testing two theories at
once ins’t the best but I guess I’m in a hurry to enjoy shit. So what I’m trying to
discover more about now is how music affects productivity.

I know music boosts dopamine production but is this enough for something controllable.
I would be happy if it wasn’t nessesarily my work efficiency that went up, but simply
my enjoyment of work. I mean that’s really what will give me the biggest boost in
productivity I think. Being able to enjoy work. So how can I enjoy work. Well Basically I
feel like if you have the perspective that work is rewarding, then you will enjoy work.
The feeling of “reward” is emotional, therefore it makes sense that something like music
would be the best way to tap this. Better that a quote let’s say (although I haven’t
tested this theory).

Now for a tricky question. What is the difference between music that releases dopamine
because it sounds good, and music that released dopamine because it changes your perspective
to a reward seeking perspective.

Well, I know music’s dopaminergic effect is based on how much you like the music, but beyond
that I think there is more. I like sigur ros and cold play sometimes, but I don’t lift weights
listening to them. When I lift weights I listen to Celldweller, slipknot, kittie, and resident
evil soundtrack etc. I listen to music that get’s me “pumped up”.

What is “pumped up” then? Well it’s getting in an work/reward seeking emotional perspective.

However, it can be even more than that with the right music. With the right music, it doesn’t
matter if you actually achieve your goals, lift the right weights etc…well maybe it can
get you down if u fail (failure decreases dopamine) but just trying, seems to feel good under
the right conditions.

I will decsribe this state as a state where music + corresponding action = reward, instead of
music + successful action = reward. So, if the music makes you want to run, there is no
goal in running, you aren’t running to be in better shape, you are running because the music
is motivating you to run. What is it about the music that is motivating you to run? Well
my guess is that there are associations we have with certain music and it’s associated actions.
The perspective that is created is one where success is already assumed somehow just on doing
the action. I guess this can be thought of as inspiration or something like it.

For example. When you hear music that “awesome” AND makes you want to run, the perspective is
that running is awesome. So listening to that music gives you that perspective, then running
is awesome, so you run, and feel the reward.

This idea can have negative consequences if used in the wrong way. For example, Gansta Rap
music of the 90s had the perspective that being a Gansta was awesome. Therefore, listening
to that music, and doing gansta things, would become a rewarding experience.

Anyways my point is that I am not motivated by money as much. I am motivated by feelings
of achievement. If I can find a way to make work feel like automatic achievement and “awesome”,
I’ll be all over it. It seems like testosterone does this, but it’s feels not dependable
(or maybe I need to stop over training iunno)

Beyond this, I have just read about how music listening improves the rehabilitation of
people suffering from strokes and brain injuries etc. This it’s self can’t be generalized
to healthy human beings maybe, BUT what is intriguing for me is this one experience I had
year or two ago. I went for a jog, came home, put on “Angels” by The tea party, and laid
down and did some relaxation techniques while focusing on that song. At some point I
ended up having like a kind of life flashing before my eyes experience, a collage of things
like hanging with first girlfriend and a bunch of other things super imposed. It was really
beautiful. Now that I think about it, I also feel like experiences like that are more than
just moments of euphoria. I feel like the putting together of cardio, meditation and music
I love, created a situation where my brain could change somehow. This is all speculation,
but I think there is a possibility that meditation to music could be to the healthy human,
what listening to music is for the brain injured human.

sdffds

Placebo Theory: External Placebo’s, Internal Placebo’s, Memory

I wonder if the type of placebo that you take as a pill or something, is part of a category called internal placebo’s. That is, the are placebo’s that affect you based on your belief’s about what has happened to you. You take a pill and you assume it will affect you in some way. Some one put;s a knife to you and you feel the sharpness even if it hasn’t touched you. It’s an awareness of what could happen inside your body that is transmuted into an physiological manifestation of that happening.

External Placebos are different. They are when you see something happen to someone else and you indirectly manifest that effect in yourself also. For example, watching a movie with an action hero displaying feats of strength and power may make us feel powerful as we have a social and empathic connection to them. Our bodies react to every little thing we see and hear etc. The 4 minute mile was thought to e impossible until someone did it. Once one person did it, everyone else started to do it.

So beyond the internal placebos we have a capacity

Sexuality and Motivation

I feel like getting older, having more responsibilities, puts a dampener on what would otherwise by  very rampant sex drive. As I increase my sexual energy through a variety of means, as well as my level of optimism and confidence, I become aware that my ability to explore sexuality is dependent on my ability to handle my responsibilities.

If I want to be available when a willing partner is in the mood, for example, I need to have done all my homework and studying for tests ahead of time. So I am now losing interesting in procrastination. Also because of the idea that my sex drive might be lowered just by knowing there are things I have to do.

So one kind of life goal I guess wuld be to not have anything that “needs” doing anymore, or just to always be well ahead of dead lines. Also this makes me want to work, like get a better job etc so I can have that sense of freedom. This same thing happened last year around this time when I started jogging and working out and I think edging as well. So what should I do about it? I definitely want to stay in school. It feels like where I belong in a big way.

I believe this was my motivation for going to college the first time actually, or at least to study for personal trainining! I was doing the 7 day cycle and I think edging, and I just started focusing more and more on what I needed to do to have the sex life I wanted. I realize though that my ideas of ideal sex life were kind of naivee. Also the way I lost that steam I had going into college, I think had a bit to do with my change of sex habits to nofap hardmode, and less jogging etc. Anyways I hope now to come at this from a more refined angle/perspective.Based on the shit I am good at and where I will feel more at home.

On the bus my thoughts were: Maybe I could benifit by getting inolved in computer science.
Maybe also an important factor is that I’m cool with not doing everything all on my own also it would be a pretty good way of indirectly helping people believe more in themselves if I try to have us tackle a big goal..
I think I need to focus on what ideas I could contribute since this seems to a major strength along with my understanding of people.

I feel like getting older, having more responsibilities, puts a dampener on what would otherwise by  very rampant sex drive. As I increase my sexual energy through a variety of means, as well as my level of optimism and confidence, I become aware that my ability to explore sexuality is dependent on my ability to handle my responsibilities.

If I want to be available when a willing partner is in the mood, for example, I need to have done all my homework and studying for tests ahead of time. So I am now losing interesting in procrastination. Also because of the idea that my sex drive might be lowered just by knowing there are things I have to do.

So one kind of life goal I guess wuld be to not have anything that “needs” doing anymore, or just to always be well ahead of dead lines. Also this makes me want to work, like get a better job etc so I can have that sense of freedom. This same thing happened last year around this time when I started jogging and working out and I think edging as well. So what should I do about it? I definitely want to stay in school. It feels like where I belong in a big way.

I believe this was my motivation for going to college the first time actually, or at least to study for personal trainining! I was doing the 7 day cycle and I think edging, and I just started focusing more and more on what I needed to do to have the sex life I wanted. I realize though that my ideas of ideal sex life were kind of naivee. Also the way I lost that steam I had going into college, I think had a bit to do with my change of sex habits to nofap hardmode, and less jogging etc. Anyways I hope now to come at this from a more refined angle/perspective.Based on the shit I am good at and where I will feel more at home.

On the bus my thoughts were: Maybe I could benifit by getting inolved in computer science.
Maybe also an important factor is that I’m cool with not doing everything all on my own also it would be a pretty good way of indirectly helping people believe more in themselves if I try to have us tackle a big goal..
I think I need to focus on what ideas I could contribute since this seems to a major strength along with my understanding of people.

Ok, so my thoughts now are:

I feel like getting older, having more responsibilities, puts a dampener on what would otherwise by  very rampant sex drive. As I increase my sexual energy through a variety of means, as well as my level of optimism and confidence, I become aware that my ability to explore sexuality is dependent on my ability to handle my responsibilities.

If I want to be available when a willing partner is in the mood, for example, I need to have done all my homework and studying for tests ahead of time. So I am now losing interesting in procrastination. Also because of the idea that my sex drive might be lowered just by knowing there are things I have to do.

So one kind of life goal I guess wuld be to not have anything that “needs” doing anymore, or just to always be well ahead of dead lines. Also this makes me want to work, like get a better job etc so I can have that sense of freedom. This same thing happened last year around this time when I started jogging and working out and I think edging as well. So what should I do about it? I definitely want to stay in school. It feels like where I belong in a big way.

I believe this was my motivation for going to college the first time actually, or at least to study for personal trainining! I was doing the 7 day cycle and I think edging, and I just started focusing more and more on what I needed to do to have the sex life I wanted. I realize though that my ideas of ideal sex life were kind of naivee. Also the way I lost that steam I had going into college, I think had a bit to do with my change of sex habits to nofap hardmode, and less jogging etc. Anyways I hope now to come at this from a more refined angle/perspective.Based on the shit I am good at and where I will feel more at home.

On the bus my thoughts were: Maybe I could benifit by getting inolved in computer science.
Maybe also an important factor is that I’m cool with not doing everything all on my own also it would be a pretty good way of indirectly helping people believe more in themselves if I try to have us tackle a big goal..
I think I need to focus on what ideas I could contribute since this seems to a major strength along with my understanding of people.
Maybe I should focus on ideas that other people can implement.

Ok, so my thoughts now are:

I’ve already tried starting my own business and I don’t enjoy it. I don’t enjoy the isolation.
Also I don’t really have a business or money making idea. I mean sure I can think of some, just that none are very efficient, or if they are they require a huge amount of work upfront.
Also even just thinking about money right now, it totally psyches my out of studying and I have a test tmr.
One thing I haven’t really tried, and that seems most authentic, would be to just put everything into school.
What could that get me though? I need more than just good grades.
Hmmm, well I know there are opportunities to work while in school, but is that even the best use of my time? Especially when I have a part time job already with 2 years in and formed some great relationships.
I have ideas, but they are focused on living the life I want, not on money. My ideas are what has resulted in so many awesome discoveries.
I know what I can do. I can put everything into school. I can give it 110% and hope that in doing so I become exceptional to the point that I am respected by teachers as well as peers. To the point where jobs are guaranteed and, taking out a loan will not be an issue, and maybe I’ll even find ways into a business thing with the school or something crazy like that.
There wont be a quick way to supporting myself and school full time. At least not one that will allow me to work at my highest potential.
What focusing all this sexual energy on school will do is it will be the union of that sexual instinct to provide or whatever, and my natural intellectual inclinations. This seems like by far the best use of that energy I can think of right now.

Seduction: What is “fun” really?

So I went for a jog a few days ago, ad I’m still riding on the increase in neurochemicals from that. It’s propelled me to just exude a positive vibe when this woman was being a bitch serving me lunch. I ended up with an free sandwich because I just explained to the other server why I misunderstood the format of ordering. I kept the positive vibe and I feel like it was a victory for everyone involved because any negative energy directed at me just bounced off and disappeared, while I gave off more good and confident) vibes.

So before I start I just want to say that things like jogging and meditation show us that our true happiness comes from within. Once we learn that, it shows up as a confidence because we become in control of our emotional state, for as long as well can keep up jogging or meditating etc. This also manifests in our reactions to other peoples negative energy. We don’t need them to make us feel good, and so they can’t make as feel bad. We are in control. We just exude a positive vibe that helps everyone else.

So, What is fun?

Since my creativity level has improved due to jogging and vitamin d etc I have a more clear idea of what fun is. An idea that instead of being hindered by fear, there is no fear, but instead there is only thrill.

For example, if you are going out to have a fun night, what is fun? Dancing? Like everyone else? Is that an adventure?

I feel like if I’m going to have fun I need to be pushing boundaries. I am in school and realized if I study something it needs to be on the cutting edge. This is because it’s what is fun for me. Therefore if I go out to a club what is fun wont being in for a nice conversation and dancing and a quick make-out etc and the whole boring old charade that everyone does. It’s not fun for me, and because of this, if I try to do it, girls will feel the lack of energy.
So if I think all that stuff is boring, then I guess the oneness is on me to come up with something that actually is fun. For the most part something like this in a social situation was kind of like a blind spot for me. I just assumed what everyone else does is all there is. That the things I generally do, are all that is fun for me. That my fun and their fun, were just not compatible. Now I see things differently.

I can have fun. In a club or bar venue. It’s just that it might have to be a version of truth or dare, with an emphasis on dare. It wont be everyone’s cup of tea, but the people who get it, will probably really get it. Basically, when I walk into a venue where everyone’s anuses are so tight that …not even light can escape it ….lol fuck I mean I can either leave, or I can just explore what I can get away with. Like, how efficient can I be at getting what I want out of this chaotic social scene “excuse me, yea hi, can I get a kiss?” next girl “excuse me, yeah hi, can I get a kiss?”  “can I smell your hair? I want to know what it smells like. I have a guess but I want to actually find out now!” “Can I get a quick make-out”(naw that’s sloppy seconds) I mean, if everyone wants to have fun, I feel like this is fun. I guess not all girls will agree, but…I agree…sooo…there’s that. Fuck, now I actually want to go to a club. “hey everyone, I wanna introduce myself and gauge how cool everyone is here so HI”

I mean if you want to talk self amused, in a club or bar scene, that is self amused for me. Not pulling a girl outside for a deep conversation, not trying to be Jim Carry in the mask on the dance floor. Not making a fool out of myself for anyone else’s amusement either. No, what I want to see is how much I can do of what I want to do. How many boundaries can I cross (within reason of course), and reach new uncharted territory.

I mean sure it’s cool to find people I can connect with on deeper subjects. Connection is healthy and powerful. However, it seems “fun” for me is more about exploration, than finding all the things we have in common. Exploration of just, the world, of who people are, of what life can be, etc. The thing is, doing this seems to be aided strongly by a level of optimism inside to make it ok to dare.

Wow, for so lon I have kept myself in this kind of box of what fun was. Real fun has come out once or twice, like when I was drunk and just wanted to try something. However, in daily life, I have become more subdued. However, increasing my metabolism to that of a teenager through exercise, seems to correspond to increasing my interest in “risky behavior”, which if done in a controlled fashion is probably what a lot of people are itching for but don’t know it. (Controlled, meaning hopefully the itching should not be from a brand new std)

Can Controlled induction of depression and then treatment yeild super compensation?

Basically what I am asking is, can we train our emotional well-being like a muscle. Weakening it and then letting it recover and grow stronger? Here are my reasons for thinking this may be possible:

1. Have you ever been in a shitty amount of pain and then it was relieved suddenly and didn’t the relief feel better than your base line level of emotion?

2. I feel like after periods of inactivity, when I start jogging again my mood get’s amazing very fast, and it feels like it wouldn’t have been as good if I were just exercising all the time.

3. I feel like after periods of anxiety/depression, when I recover I retain all the techniques I used to get my through the harder times and all the knowledge I gained in my quest to improve my situation. Then after recovery I am left with an excess of emotional tools.

4. Just the fact that when the frontal lobe is compromised by something like a lingering weird mood, but you are forced to be creative from that state, you would be forced to become more efficient in the way you draw out you creativity it seems. Then when the mood lifts you are left with an abundance of tools to allow for creativity plus your brain becomes again efficient due to chemicals etc being brought back into balance.

I remember reading someone talking about using sleep deprivation and then making up for that sleep later, for a similar reason. That could work, maybe a bit differently though, and it seems like something armies already do to some extent although mostly to train for working in sleep deprived states instead of trying to actually improve the baseline.

The Fertile Male Part 2: The Contrast between Fertile sexuality and Porn Sexuality

These are the differences between being really horny after a week of no porn & no masturbation:

Fertile Sexuality: Enjoying the feeling of being horny
Porn Sexuality: Searching for something better, disappointment, wishing you could get that type in real life

Fertile Sexuality: Women are partners to share your sexuality with.
Porn Sexuality: Women become objects to to aquired/won/etc.

Fertile Sexuality: IRL more open about who you find attractive with other
men or people in general.
Porn Sexuality: Threatened by other men IRL, by their sexuality,
by girls who might chose them instead, or just competition.

Fertile Sexuality: Abundance of sperm therefore more confident in self
Porn Sexuality:  It’s like, you have minimal sperm therefore you must
make it count? Iunno, or like you are not valuable?

Fertile Sexuality: You get into that sexual state and you notice the innate
sexuality of other women and you see sex as something good. You see it
as mutually beneficial.

Porn Sexuality: You see women as fragile and something you need to be
committed to. You see sex as something you are taking from them and
have little to offer in return. It is a big responsibility and a risk
of everything from embarrassment to iunno, psychological damage
to her and or yourself.

Note, these are based on how I feel and I am a pretty sensitive person and
keep the well being of others in mind. someone less sensitive, less empathetic,
less focused on the well being of others maybe just accept the porn
sexuality and still have sex but it just be a damaging version of sexuality.

So here are more ideas for becoming more in-tune with ones own sexuality:

Make sure to state that sexual pleasure but focused on yourself as a sexual being, not fantasizing, is important. Fantasizing or watching porn(the worse version of this) directs energy towards something that is not returning that energy to you. Also it’s a totally different method of pleasure, visual stimuli versus feeling sexual energy.

Visual on it’s own, without a real person behind it, is more of a drain. It’s looking at something with longing but not really having it. Feeling your own sexual energy, means not being in that state of NEED, but instead filling up from the inside. Just like with other forms of happiness, you can find shit you like, or just shit other people would like you to like.

Filling up on your own energy allows you to have and feel like you have, something to offer sexually, which you do as you become more fertile. You worship your own fertility and then you attract someone who compliments you. Naturally people with more rational mindsets or lower sex drives or sensitive dopamine systems etc not sure which, may gravitate towards holding in orgasms to prolonge pressure. This is a natural use of delayed gratification. I think possibly more natural that ejaculating at least for me, as I only masterbated to orgasm after reading it was possible from a book. lol.

Anyways, higher sex drive males may just jerk off more, and with less prolonging, so I guess that is how things even out as far as attraction goes. When you allow yourself to feel the sexual pleasure and energy that is yours you being more connected to you sexuality. It’s just like with inspiration based activities versus doing it for some external gain or just because you love it.
So sex based on the way someone else looks is like working for money where as sex based on how it feels, the raw sexual energy, is working out of inspiration.

I mean sure if the money and the gratitude of others comes then that’s even better. However, if you are ONLY doing it for that reason, then it’s not the same. Same with sex. If you get that attractive girl and she has amazing orgasms then that is icing on the cake, but you should appreciate your sexual energy even without that other stuff. Sexual energy is a gift. It’s opportunity, and abundance. So it is worth cultivating for it’s own sake because, well because it feels good.

Also, to say you are not horny all the time and so have a low sex drive and that’s just who you are is maybe to a full argument. I kind of feel like, if you wish you had a higher sex drive, and enjoy it when you do, then you have a high sex drive, and should find ways to bring the energy up to what you would rather it be.

That’s kind of like my argument for using maca or anything else for the purpose of increases sex drive.
Here is another argument as well though. The fact that usually like for something like maca, the sex drive comes with a general feeling of well being. So if someone where to say, “if you aren’t horny don’t force it or you aren’t being authentic” well I would say, being horny if it’s just a part of well-being, should be forced lol.

I feel like authentic is whatever is done out of love and is not subject to biological innateness. What I mean is, just because you were born feeling a certain way doesn’t mean you should accept and remain feeling that way in the face of ways of feeling
that you would rather have.

If I use maca I will just consider myself ahead of the curve.
Why bother sticking to what is natural, in fear that you will lose
the sense of who you really are. Why no focus on trying to be a better
version of yourself no matter how you have to do that.

I guess there is also that feeling of impermanence, but what does that
matter. the knowledge of the thing that can improve you, and the decision
to keep using it, these things are permanent.

The Fertile Male Part 1: Correlation between sperm production and attractiveness

There is a big diff between the nofap protocol and just iunno, being high l-tyrosine

For one, nofap is almost sleep/diet and workout independent.
It’s like it taps into this innate drive. Also and a very important point is the level of attractiveness you have to others. Nofap increases this while high tyrosine maybe does nothing.

It seems nofap is about relief.

Relief from the incessant urge, via ignoring it
relief from the 2am surfing
relief from checking out people who are not interested

however, it is relief and a positive thing, only for as long
as the urge exists. Once it doesn’t, the lack of urge becomes
the thing we want relief from.

Hence the 6-7 day cycle which as well brings relief from the
urge on the last day as well as relief from the impending loss
of drive.

Ah I just thought of something. Here is where I start to make my point.

I was wondering, why such a big deal with the
getting horny and more attractive but only until
7 days and then it going away? why would biology do
that?

Well I thought, what other areas of human physiology work
this way? One is cardiovascular activity, or just general
moderate-intense exercise. After 45 min it becomes counter
productive.

So the same could be for somethngn like celibacy.
Why?
Well because semen would be produced up to a point (7 days)
making pregnancy more likely (attractiveness and horny)
but after that time it would become less likely after
a wet dream or semen died or full balls, etc.

It seems like the optimal reproductive strategy would be that
fertile males have sex with fertile females.
Monogomy which could easily be just one of the many symtoms of
“lockian or rousseuan society” could be to the detriment of
optimal reproduction.

Now I’m going to go off on a little tangent but don’t worry this isn’t my main point.

That is to say, if a women can only have sex with one man while
in her fertile period, it would decrease the probability of her
giving birth.

for example. A society of 30 men and 30 women, would see one or two
females ovulating per day but 4 or 5 men having gone without ejaculation
for 7 days. So optimal reproduction would mean each fertile women get’s
to be with around 2 men. 2 and a half men lol. one for each night of
ovulation, to give her the largest amount of semen they can.

Back to the main point.
So it would stand to reason that what a women is attracted to in a
man on nofap is THEIR fertility. Just has what a man is attracted to
in a women when she is ovulating is HERS.

SO it would stand to reason that we could create a practice to cultivate
maximum sperm production, just as we cultivate muscle mass, etc.

I wonder what else we can cultivate.

So it should be easy to see why a girl might be less into a guy who
approaches her for sex, but on a day when he is “empty”. I mean
obviously a guy can still be attractive and sex happens for reasons other
than procreation. However what if it’s that for ONS the vibe would be
more of a procreation vibe where as for a longer term thing the vibe
would be sex because you actually like the person.

Now a thought i was thinking that has nothing to do with sex.
Also the test I did for special ed that had me memorize disjointed
items and try to regurgitate them, I would say is not a true
test of learning ability. I mean, it is one form of learning.
However, to say not being as strong in it could be seen as an obstacle
is probably not a very good way to do it. Especially since most higher
level learning is based on systems thinking, the exact opposite of memorizing
disjointed facts.

Anyways, so it would be interesting to research ways to increase fertility
in males. I know testosterone is one way, but I feel like that is just one
factor and maybe not even a factor as apparently testosterone increases after
ejaculation. Well this COULD be as a way of starting up semen production
again. However, starting it up is not what is attractive to females. What
is attractive is having a lot of it and the signal that body language
and attitude convey when that is the case.

So I wonder if anything could increase semen volume without relying on
max testosterone, because you can only do so much where testosterone is
concerned. Unless I start taking supplements for testosterone, which I could
do actually but I feel like would be too much too soon.

I was going to save this for another post but I think it fits in better here so
here are some way’s I’ve thought of to increase sperm production based
on research etc:

Besides supplements for increasing testosterone which are many such as Maca, ashwanganda, etc,
Light therapy (get a lamp that gives 10000 lux light and sit infront of it. Or get lot’s of
sun light. These both help the body prudice FSH and LH which help produce testosterone
and sperm I think.

Next, “edging”, that is, getting yourself worked up through masterbation bu
not orgasming. This is so obvious because what happens when you do this too much? You
get blue balls which is basically balls too full with sperm. However, I notice I haven’t been
getting this lately, i only really got it hen making out with a girlfriend many years ago. However,
during that time I was horny everyday and was doing nofap, before nofap was even a thing.

Now, I’ll stop things here because this idea of edging leads to my next post which will
be on the contrat between the sexual state and the non-sexual state from a very philosophicaland I guess holistic perspective.

ESFP Revolution

Just an idea I had based on seeing this type of person just succeeding. I mean they don’t all succeed I guess. I just notice them though. For example Zyzz. He revolutionized body building, because of his passion, that wasn’t being held back by analysis. He just wanted an aesthetic body and he worked till he got what met his standards and then he was living the dream basically. That is inspiring to me in many ways.

One way is that I’ve always shared that passion for aesthetics and used to kind of look up to people like him when I was younger. (not him because he was younger than me, but people like him, who were focused on their image, and it payed off for them) As I grew up I became focused more on the meaning behind the things I did. Looking good, carried very little weight in terms of “meaning”, at least based on how the world seemed to work. I still feel this nagging urge that I have to do something productive that will be a huge benefit to society. Something like scientific or whatever. However, I can see myself moving away from this and towards things that I actually LOVE. It seems people like zyzz never even questioned what they wanted, they just go for it. I’m sure they have their own set of challenges being wired the way they are, but I can see the meaningful contribution in the way they live their lives. I don’t expect to become one of them or achieve success in the same way. I guess it’s just that I get to be inspired by them. They kind of show me what I’m missing so I can fill in that gap.

Like, I have my own things. Writing, music, school. What I’m missing though is that element that zyzz and those people have. I guess it’s like a social thing. Like looking good seems social to me. I know people say they like to look good for themselves and I can kinda feel that too. It’s just cool to have that vibe where you go out and look amazing.

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