Chasing new experiences: Because Recognition is Cheap

I’ll lay it out as plainly as possible. If I am to grow old, end up a 90 year old guy, I don’t think I’ll me be happy just being known for what I’ve done with my life. Like, when I think about it, being 90 years old, no sex appeal, not being awesome or anything like that, just being able to say what I WAS, is not enough. No one can give me enough recognition of admiration to satisfy me. Not even now actually. I mean, in times when I didn’t know what I had to offer and cared, it helped to be able to see where my contributions are most valued. However, contribution can be made just be accident, just by doing what you love. Maybe not everyone is the same. I don’t want my goals to be based on leaving my mark on the world, or making a name for myself. I want something that will always be amazing. That thing is the universe, not just the ever changing opinion some people have of me.

Lately I’ve been thinking, what am I actually going to do with my life. Am I going to do something big? When will I get my chance? When will be my time to “shine”. In the meantime I get to just be “normal” life a normal boring life? Then I get to shine for a few years maybe and then back to being boring when I get older but I’ll always have people remembering how cool I was “at one point”?

I have another idea. Forget about “shining” and instead focus on actually experiencing.
Now, yes some travel, and main stream things like that could be cool with good friends. However, I will always be searching for something more. I don’t know if it’s that I want to be the first to discover something. It’s more that I want to discover and do things that actually push me on a spiritual and intellectual level. I don’t mean discovering something that will help science even, although that could happen. I mean I want to discover this universe, and live an amazing story.

And not even to tell. Maybe just to hint and maybe to write in a journal for people close to me to share in. I just feel like sharing my stories my adventures for someone else’s entertainment, would cheapen it. It’s weird because on the one hand the way the media works is pics or it didn’t happen. I almost get this feeling like, if I don’t share this awesome thing that happened, it would be as if it didn’t actually happen. When I do share it though, it’s like it get’s cheapened because people give a shit to varying degrees. If I tell my story it becomes something I achieved, where as if I don’t tell it it remains something I experienced.

I guess it’s like my focus shifts and then I decide I want to share, for the recognition, but after this it’s harder to go back to seeing it as just an experience. I think I need to look at when my focus shifts. It could be that around the wrong people I feel lonely and the only way to feel connected is to share achievements. It could be that I don’t have enough people to just share these things with as experiences, maybe because to many are focused on experiences being achievements. I realize though that the best you you can be will be based on going in the direction of love, not achievement. For example, working out for mood vs for looks.

It seems for me, learning more about what life is, is the overall thing about experience that I want to have. I do feel like a lot of older people talk about how they have so much life experience and how they know more about what life is and it sounds so elitist. I don’t want to become a master or a PHD in what life is, I never what there to be an end to what life is that I can say I know it all. I want to learn more and feel more connection to it. I feel like the people who do feel like they have to have some authority on things, make themselves hard to share these experiences with, that these people as well as the people who will see me as an authority instead of just someone to share with, these are the people I will avoid sharing with. When people share stuff with me, I don’t turn my nose up at them, I’m happy that they have discovered this thing. Not happy as in I’m judging their progress through life. I’m happy because it’s a sign to me that the universe is getting better in general and that now I can share in the joy of that discovery with someone who understands. I assume everyone knows what they are doing already, and so I just enjoy people I can connect with. There are no levels with me. I don’t focus on what other people have or don’t have as people, and people who focus on that in me, obviously there will be a disconnect there.

Recognition feels good sometimes. Like if I do something I’m proud of and other people, especially people I respect and am close to, recognize the achievement. However, it feels like there is recognition where someone shares in your achievement of something maybe admiring you a bit or learning from you, and then there is recognition where someone just admires you or admires your achievement only. Not really sharing in your joy. Admiration is tricky in general and part of me feels I should avoid it.

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