New Focus: Connection:Through art exploration and through conflict engagment

I think I can tie in a lot of ideas into this new focus actually.

I realize there are a lot of goals I’ve had only for the feeling of being admired or otherwise looked upon strongly by others instead of what I want. Recently though I’ve been teasing a lot of that out and so I’ve come to a place where I know a lot about what I don’t want to do. I don’t even want to do art or music if it’s just going to be for the sake of fame or otherwise being seen as valuable to others and not for me. I don’t want to ever have to be anxious about needing to keep up with something to keep up my image ect without being inspired.

What I want is to be inspired. To find things I love so that I can follow them no matter how many people look down on it. I watched Teal Swan and she talked as well about the importance of inspiration. However, she said things like people might need to try stuff out to find out what they like. This could work, but for me it seems I don’t often get inspired after trying things out. I often am inspired by the idea of something, and then I try it out. It seems like to try something out to see if inspiration will hit, would be almost the same as working at something I don’t enjoy hoping I’ll enjoy it afterwards. I feel a lot of my inspiration comes from art and from music and from people I connect with. So I watched some super hero stuff and some video game theorist stuff.

Then I started thinking deeply about art and the shared consciousness. Basically going on how I want to feel in my daily life. I want to feel awe and intrigue and I feel these things most often from art and music ect, as well as dreams and different states of consciousness. When I think to them I feel like those are experiences with working for, just for their own sake. However, that isn’t inspiration to create them, it’s more an inspiration to seek them out and experience the. The inspiration may come from wanting to create some of my own. I have had this inspiration for it’s own sake. I remember this, especially when I was younger. It was taking a piece of art or music and I guess changing it somehow to make it more powerful for me. Now, that might have evolved into me writing or creating my own music, but maybe the idea of “not copying other people” forced me to want to do my own work to early, and more importantly for the wrong reason. To prove myself.

So I want to try again just seeking out art and music to experience it, and if I get inspiration I’ll just go with it. Otherwise I’ll at least feel like I’m on the right track.

The other thing this ties in with is the feeling I had when I was sick last night. The feeling of what if I were to die, and realizing how lonely death seemed at that moment. Realizing how important human connection was to me. Made me want to focus maybe my whole life, on helping people connect. Whether with me or with each other iunno. Just that I felt it’s something that should be done. So it’s cool that this idea of the shared consciousness is about connection with others, as well as with the universe and creation.

Also you know how they say film/tv/stories are a form of catharsis. So I wonder why I mostly find stories with a lot of showdown type fights to be cathartic. I feel like it’s because there is so much conflict in general in interpersonal interaction. Most people ignore or avoid it. Me included. However, in avoiding it I seem to never quite get rid of it. These are strangers as well as friends, intentional and often unintentional conflict. I feel though that in trying to avoid other people and their feelings about me and themselves, and how they feel people should be treated, I just leave things untended to. I feel like these stories therefore are cathartic not because I should become a super hero as I thought for so long, but because I should meet these conflicts head on with a positive open attitude. In some ways it feels like other people are at once the slave and the master of me, but if I engage maybe create something better.

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