ENTP(or atleast me): Passion for working with/for others (LONG POST) (Basically about muses as the end goal)

Another possiblity, is that I keep looking at all the fun people on youtube, thinking I want to be a part of it, but the reality is I just want friends to do cool shit with? It seems like sure I have things I would want to produce, but it seems I’m more interested in just making connections with people, than trying to create a business. I mean if a business comes out of it that’s great and maybe even ideal, however, I think not having enough people to connect with is a bigger problem than not having a business.

Freedom for me means being able to do the shit I want to do. Most of the shit I want to do involves hanging out with and connecting with cool people, not nessesarily making a name for myself on youtube. The youtube thing seems almost like just a form of compensating for not having enough people to talk to. This doesn’t work out to well
because I don’t have any passion for making videos, at least not enough to bother putting the time in.

I think I’ve gotten past the whole wanting to be something. I realize I just want to be happy and grow and trying to be someone actually just goes against that. So what goes with it? I think focusing on connecting with people, might go with it. If I look back on child hood, sure I did stuff when I was alone like think about interesting movie ideas ect. However, it wasn’t like I thought about them as something I nessesarily wanted to create. It’s more like I created them in my head and just enjoyed them.

The main thing I though about was when I would be able to see my friends again and make new friends. That was my big adventure. So iunno, maybe it is again, and this time, without shame of wanting to make the friends. However, what sucks is wanting friends but without the hobbies in common to get a friendship started. However, I think it’s more like I have many many interests and I just pursue them based on who my friends are.

I feel strong inspiration to pursue goals based on friends of mine or people I meet who also do them. I mean, for some people the hobbie or goal is serious for it’s own sake. For me, it seems more like my goals are based on the friends who will appreciate them. Basically, and I can say this unashamedly now, I think I need a muse/muses in order for me to turn into a real workhorse. Basically, I don’t work for money. I work for people. Maybe it’s the same way as who they say ENTPs need to find their place among people, not beaurocracy. We don’t care about social hierarcy and that includes money and fame. We care about friends.

Another thing is maybe another reason I find it hard to work on certain projects is because with no one to share my progress with, it’s like the fun is taken out of it. I mean sure when I achieve such and such a goal after years of work, people may flock to see it and then I may attract the right people? Iunno, maybe not. It seems like if certain people would only talk to me once I am “cool” or “good at something”, those probably arn’t real friends. I feel like I have enough to offer just being myself, and shouldn’t have to work to prove that I can do such and such on my own.

I realize, I don’t really want to be “successful” in the way people see it. An “independant self-made man” I mean, all that stuff, I can imagine it being really nice, but then when I actually wor towards it it’s hard. It’s not hard because I’m weak. I’m not weak. It’s hard because I don’t really want it. I don’t want a life of working on my own on stuff so I can be recognized as something special and powerful ect. I want a life of love and passion and friendship.

So now I think I might be ready to do two things:

1. One is to put more effort into getting involved in stuff other maybe more “independant
workers” have started that I think are cool, and contribute and make friends.

2. Then contribute to those friends with ideas of what else we could do, as the ideas
come to me, but tring to be able to finish or else not even start.

3.Also work on my own shit and focus on building habits and finishing.

Basically, it’s ok to work on my own shit, whatever that is, as long as I’m not expecting that shit to attract friends to me. That is the wrong way to look at it because it means you have to be something in order to be worthy as a friend. No, the friends will be made by contributing to other peoples visions which you agree enough with (and maybe adding a bit of your on vision in there).

hmmm.

So 3 things.(reiteration lol)

1. Join groups (like in elementary school) and contribute and make friends (gain love)

2. Do hobbies and focus on habit and finnishing and own expression (create love)
I create the love out of my own passion, just that I need to work on making friends at the same time or else my body will feel the sense of neglect and make it harder for me to create more love. It’s not that I wont have the energy, it’s that I am naturally distracted by the fact that I’m neglecting another passion I have, the passion for people, in order to do some hobby when I really want to be around people. Basically, punishing myself into working on a hobby when I really need more socia growth.

3. Share hobbies especially finnished projects, and ideas, with friends (Share love)

Scary to me is the thought that all the discipline for working on goals by myself
might come undone and I’ll just want to hang out with friends, which could lead
to them losing respect for me and then me struggling to get back on working hard on goals. Howver, it’s not that simple I guess. I mean, I can still form habits. Actually, I still NEED to form proper habits, for working on cool shit, in order to thrive. It’s just that I also need/desire to have friends to connect with and without those I will be living an incomplete lifestyle.

So I probably need at least a few people to be as extroverted as me and who can connect about the shit I think is cool. I guess I’ve been scared of letting people into my life who will not actually appreciate me for what I bring to the table. I may not care about recognition in the general sense, and I may not go seeking it. However, if someone is to be close to me, they need to connect with me in that they see and appreciate what I bring to the table.

See I’ll be far more regular in bringing it to the table if it’s with someone who appreciates it. However, if around someone who doesn’t, I might just feel like retreating into my room or trying to prove myself, which I don’t think I should have to do. So, yes I’m independant. I’m independant in that I have no problem doing whatever it takes to meet people I can connect with. Not only that, but I have high standards and would rather be alone than with someone I don’t feel the right connnection with.

Also it’s possible that going on family trips being close proximity with family for the car ride and hotel sleeping ect, boosts my energy. I often feel more creative in those situations. It’s like my brain starts telling me I have something to offer to these people now that I’m close to them (physcially and emotionally) and so I gain motivation.

So if my passion is contributing to people I’m close with then it makes sense that I should focus on building relationships with people. It’s weird that the media has a skewed the understanding of the importance of relationships, or at least they don’t know how wrong that information can be interpreted by someone who is going through what I was. Relationships are important if they are your strongest motivator, and if that’s the case, you should make peace with that so you can see what you really want in life.

Also when it comes to finding the right friends, when I was younger I had it wrong
because I focused on who looked “cool” and who acted “cool”. However, most of the people
who looked and acted really “cool”, it was because that was their focus. Therefore they
aren’t the people I’d connect with, cause although I appreciate that they look “cool”,
my focus is else where. I guess I assumed “cool” looking/dressing/acting people were
smarter ect, but reality is not that way and I was mislead.

This caused me a lot of rejection in child hood and a lot of me rejecting the people
who would actually have been better for me. This same thing works for girls too actually. The girls who are super into looks are mostly not girls I need to be talking to. Anyways, I just thought about this cause if I want to make friends who connect with me, well I was thinking, what has been keeping me from this all along, and so I realize it was me being disillusioned. So now I know who I connect with and who is good so I will able to just connect with them.

Freedom for me isn’t about not needing friendships to be productive. Freedom for me being able to find the friends I enjoy productive with and/or showing my products to.

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