Inferior Si reaction to lack of inspiration

This first half is my inferior Si talking through my Ne:

“There should be something I can do that is more valuable to me than money,
and sex and other things that should be a given(family, doing good, ect).
Music is one, but that feels like only part of something.
One way to look at it is wonder and awe.
Like, what makes me feel alive?
To be alive is to be conciouse and the highest form of
consiousness for me seems to be in a state of awe, curiosity, ect.
Even admiration maybe, iunno.
I mean there are lot’s of things that are important to me and that I value.
I mean, even problem solving ability is something I value. I just feel like it
is already a give in that you solve problems to reach some greater state of being.

Much like I am doing now.

So I’m thinking maybe I could just assume I will always be solving problems
as long as I’m always trying to improve.

Improve in what areas though I wonder.

I think one good area would be in creating experiences.

I wonder if I want to create real live experiences for myself
or if I want to focus on maybe something like story writing. ”

Some of that might have value, but not in the tired state I was hoping to use it in.
Now comes the realization:

maybe my tiredness is pushing me into one of those Si spirals

Well I just realized once again, that adventures(in real life)
are not planned. They just happen. So if there is nothing I urgently
want to venture out to do. I guess I could focus on creating some beautiful
things. Fencing could be good to. Also if I focused on finding more
interesting people to surround myself with, maybe the adventures will just
come out of this.

So I can focus on creating my own awe, and or finding it in other people.

hmmm, yup I feel that now the disatisfaction and thinking I need to
have a more defined focus is based on inferior Si wanting too much
stability.

My life will be an adventure as long as I focus on doing things as I find
interest in them. Maybe no need to push myself. As long as I remain healthy
I’ll be happy to go with the flow a bit more and just blog and vlog about
the adventures as they unfold.

Also could be that I’m trying to do a bunch of stuff just to say I do those
things when really I just want to do music… and the other things I already
do.

When I’m in a more positive mood, I don’t do as much trying to be something.

I just get inspiration to do things cause they seem like cool ideas.
Then I just do them.

WIth lack of sleep, I don’t get those inspirations. So maybe Si is realizing
I have no inspired direction where I should have a constant sort of stream of
inspiration. So it says, wait, you don’t have any goals, any interests?
What about your future? Better thing about that man. No time for sleep,
you don’t have a future…

So Si starts telling my Ne to search fot things I might be able to be inpired
by when the truth is the inspiration and many of the ideas come from inside
and there is no need to force them. It’s just that I’m tired.

I was thinking, I wonder if maybe humans are striving for a point where they
can just relax. What would happen in that case. I realized when I’m most
relax that is when the best ideas come (unless my mind is just blank which
takes effort mostly).

So as well as letting people find me, I think I need to just let inspiration
find me more. I assume that is how I recently got back into music, iunno.

So I will stop trying to become something, or find a goal for material for
youtube, and just let the inspiration and therefore adventure, come to
me in whatever form it does.

Of course if my inspiration tells me to search for something fun to do, that’s
different that my inferior Si telling me to do it.

I feel like this Si spiral is only made possible by modern technology especially internet ect. Without that distract and information at my finger tips I feel I’d be more ok with just going to bed and letting it go until the next day. Well anyways…bed time!

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