Unintentially being bad for others, and best muses

Today I woke up and I already felt weird.

So let’s go over what it could be.

I didn’t do cardio for at least a week now, maybe
more like 10 days, so maybe I was high on the effects of it but it
is now wearing off.

Also it rained all night and today is coudy, that’s a big possible
culprit cause it seem the more days sunny
in a row the better my mood seems to get.

The night before I got 4hrs of alchohol sleep and then
went the whole of yesterday powered by dark chocolate basically.

I found even with that I still had trouble getting to sleep which again
points towards not enouhg jogging.

So what heppened today was I tried my best to just be myself, and
actually my mood wasn’t that bad and still relativly stable.

I eyed this girl as I got on the bus and she seemed interested.

This old guy beside me kept kinda looking in my direction, and
I think in her direction. Like he was trying to size me up.

Eventually I decided I would ask her about her self but decided
not to sit beside her but to lean over the ilse and ask her so
that everyone could here(like an idiot with no social intellegence
putting her in a trap of either seeming rude or saying more than
she wanted to say to everyone)

So I ask her if she’s going to school and she says no
I ask her if she is going to work and first she seems like
she wasn’t even going to answer and as I leaned back she suddenly
looks at me and says, “what’s it to you?”
and as at the time I was more worried about showing lack
of confidence to everyone and to myself, I held her eye contact
and smiled and said “just curious” and I think she just nodded or something
and then looked for something in her purse to read ect, just really
unnerved.

I realized a few minutes later as I got off hte bus that she wasn’t
only rejecting me, she was defending herself from me.

I felt that what I was doing was harmless but as I didn’t think things
through what I ended up doing borderd on harasment.

Now, no one had to tell me this, I realized it on my own, so I don’t
want to turn this into a shaming experience or like, I shouldn’t
be trying to talk to strangers ect. I want to learn the lesson so I
can do better in the future and be more of a positive to make up for
the negative.

No regrets. She’ll live and probably forget about this whole thing
soon and I’ve learned a lesson that will apply to my life in ways that
hopefully will right even more wrongs than just this and make the world
a better place.

So why did I miss so much of the situation like that.
I guess part of it could be just not being able to read other
peoples minds to know what they are comfortable with but also
I don’t think I was thinking clearly today.

I decided to talk to her mostly to prove to myself that I could still
do so, not because I liked her. I think that inauthenticity becomes
a problem cause it means I’m not thinking at all about her as a person.

So even if I had less anxiety than usually, I was still not in the right
frame of mind.

I thought I could just exude a good atitude like at the club but it
didn’t work that easily, not just because it wasn’t a club, but because
it was a very delicate social situation because it was strangers who
didn’t have any meeting of the minds on why they were there, and surrounded
by other strangers who could easily be shitty people who just pass judgements
ect.

Alright, well the main thing I’ve learned is that I shouldn’t try to
force conversation just to be daring and prove to myself that I
don’t care, becuse doing so is not only inauthentic but the result of
this is that I will be also pulling other people into that sort of
ego challenge and they might not want to be a part of it but even if they decline
it’s like they automatically lose the dare they didn’t even agree to
because I’ve created an environment where everyones egos are placed on
the line regardless of whether they like it or not.

The only way out is to have a higher vibration where you can just
call out the person but with a good energy, and not everyone will have
that and even people who do have it don’t have it all the time. I know
this because there have been times where I wasn’t in the mood to talk
and someone would just initiate a convo with me and I didn’t have the energy
to just gracefully decline because as I said I wasn’t in the mood.

It’s almost like kicking someone when they are down. It’s like it becomes
very easy to kick someone when they are down, so easy that you can do it by
accident just while walkig past.

As for everyone else, they are part of it especially if they just listen in
to the conversation, which is something I imagine they would be more inclind
to do if they had ego problems as well.

So by daring myself to prove to them that I’m not scared of their egos
but not being sensitive to others, I end up inviting them to the roast of
the person I decide to talk to.

Also this can even work when it comes to going out to a bar. Sure I can
just be the life of the party, but do I really want that or would it just be
to prove to myself that I can, and then when I am with friends am I just
leaving them wishing they were doing more, and therefore kind of challenging
them unnessesarily. According to what my friend told me sat night, he did
feel a bit like that and so I know it’s not just coincidence.

If I ever see that girl again I will appologize and let her read this whole thing.

Otherwise I’m not going to punish myself, that will just make things
worse, instead I feel I’ve learned a hard lesson, at the expense of someone
else, and I hope I never have to have things go that far again.
Although I feel bad, at least I feel bad for the right reason. I feel bad
because I may have actually hurt someone, not because I just wasn’t good
enough.

I feel like the next time I go out to a club, I should be trying to enertain
my friends, not an audience.

Infact, I’m thinking maybe just in life in general, friends, make a better
muse than strangers and I should focus my energy on that.

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