Unintentially being bad for others, and best muses

Today I woke up and I already felt weird.

So let’s go over what it could be.

I didn’t do cardio for at least a week now, maybe
more like 10 days, so maybe I was high on the effects of it but it
is now wearing off.

Also it rained all night and today is coudy, that’s a big possible
culprit cause it seem the more days sunny
in a row the better my mood seems to get.

The night before I got 4hrs of alchohol sleep and then
went the whole of yesterday powered by dark chocolate basically.

I found even with that I still had trouble getting to sleep which again
points towards not enouhg jogging.

So what heppened today was I tried my best to just be myself, and
actually my mood wasn’t that bad and still relativly stable.

I eyed this girl as I got on the bus and she seemed interested.

This old guy beside me kept kinda looking in my direction, and
I think in her direction. Like he was trying to size me up.

Eventually I decided I would ask her about her self but decided
not to sit beside her but to lean over the ilse and ask her so
that everyone could here(like an idiot with no social intellegence
putting her in a trap of either seeming rude or saying more than
she wanted to say to everyone)

So I ask her if she’s going to school and she says no
I ask her if she is going to work and first she seems like
she wasn’t even going to answer and as I leaned back she suddenly
looks at me and says, “what’s it to you?”
and as at the time I was more worried about showing lack
of confidence to everyone and to myself, I held her eye contact
and smiled and said “just curious” and I think she just nodded or something
and then looked for something in her purse to read ect, just really

I realized a few minutes later as I got off hte bus that she wasn’t
only rejecting me, she was defending herself from me.

I felt that what I was doing was harmless but as I didn’t think things
through what I ended up doing borderd on harasment.

Now, no one had to tell me this, I realized it on my own, so I don’t
want to turn this into a shaming experience or like, I shouldn’t
be trying to talk to strangers ect. I want to learn the lesson so I
can do better in the future and be more of a positive to make up for
the negative.

No regrets. She’ll live and probably forget about this whole thing
soon and I’ve learned a lesson that will apply to my life in ways that
hopefully will right even more wrongs than just this and make the world
a better place.

So why did I miss so much of the situation like that.
I guess part of it could be just not being able to read other
peoples minds to know what they are comfortable with but also
I don’t think I was thinking clearly today.

I decided to talk to her mostly to prove to myself that I could still
do so, not because I liked her. I think that inauthenticity becomes
a problem cause it means I’m not thinking at all about her as a person.

So even if I had less anxiety than usually, I was still not in the right
frame of mind.

I thought I could just exude a good atitude like at the club but it
didn’t work that easily, not just because it wasn’t a club, but because
it was a very delicate social situation because it was strangers who
didn’t have any meeting of the minds on why they were there, and surrounded
by other strangers who could easily be shitty people who just pass judgements

Alright, well the main thing I’ve learned is that I shouldn’t try to
force conversation just to be daring and prove to myself that I
don’t care, becuse doing so is not only inauthentic but the result of
this is that I will be also pulling other people into that sort of
ego challenge and they might not want to be a part of it but even if they decline
it’s like they automatically lose the dare they didn’t even agree to
because I’ve created an environment where everyones egos are placed on
the line regardless of whether they like it or not.

The only way out is to have a higher vibration where you can just
call out the person but with a good energy, and not everyone will have
that and even people who do have it don’t have it all the time. I know
this because there have been times where I wasn’t in the mood to talk
and someone would just initiate a convo with me and I didn’t have the energy
to just gracefully decline because as I said I wasn’t in the mood.

It’s almost like kicking someone when they are down. It’s like it becomes
very easy to kick someone when they are down, so easy that you can do it by
accident just while walkig past.

As for everyone else, they are part of it especially if they just listen in
to the conversation, which is something I imagine they would be more inclind
to do if they had ego problems as well.

So by daring myself to prove to them that I’m not scared of their egos
but not being sensitive to others, I end up inviting them to the roast of
the person I decide to talk to.

Also this can even work when it comes to going out to a bar. Sure I can
just be the life of the party, but do I really want that or would it just be
to prove to myself that I can, and then when I am with friends am I just
leaving them wishing they were doing more, and therefore kind of challenging
them unnessesarily. According to what my friend told me sat night, he did
feel a bit like that and so I know it’s not just coincidence.

If I ever see that girl again I will appologize and let her read this whole thing.

Otherwise I’m not going to punish myself, that will just make things
worse, instead I feel I’ve learned a hard lesson, at the expense of someone
else, and I hope I never have to have things go that far again.
Although I feel bad, at least I feel bad for the right reason. I feel bad
because I may have actually hurt someone, not because I just wasn’t good

I feel like the next time I go out to a club, I should be trying to enertain
my friends, not an audience.

Infact, I’m thinking maybe just in life in general, friends, make a better
muse than strangers and I should focus my energy on that.


Thoughts of the creative impulse, and health for inspiration, and the present

With every jog my spirit finds new food to eat
with every song I write, a mile in new shoes, new feet
Without the lows, the highs would not be as sweet
without the challenges, the success would not be reached

I write this as kind of a description of more creative impulse as it
stands presently. It feels like with the high serotonin I have now from all the things I’m going right, iunno, I feel the importance of music more. Not just based on how high serotonin means more enjoyment of music. Also I feel the congitive and spiritual aspects of it. Every song is like a new story, a new experience, and it doesn’t fade from memory like the every day things. Instead every song I put effort into and love becomes like adding another soul, or another sense or something, it’s quite significant.

I’ve been doing a lot of things right these days:
eating more vegies, brocoli and carrots
more protien (although I want to avoid more sentient animals like chicken)
More salmon which I feel does something other meat doesn’t
more jogging
more weight training
more being out of the house
more sleep(because more jogging)
no dairy
no white bread
zinc+vit d combo
shower in morning to relax me
lots of peanuts which I’m not sure bad or good
then all the mental processes I’ve wrote about in this blog
it seems a lot of it is coming together
maybe also the fact that it’s summer and I’m getting a lot of sun this year
just from being out and about
also extra curriculars

Iunno, I’d still like to work on calming my mind now as I’ve spent a lot on just figuring out what I want to do, looking and a lot of different options, now that I seem to be settling in more, I think I need to relax my mind so I can be more present, iunno.

Extroverted Enneagram Type 5, Let people approach me instead

Kind of a paradox to be an extrovert who is one of the most introverted enneagram types but I feel that is my situation. This gives me even more ideas as to how best to interact with others, and way doing so in other ways doesn’t work out.

It’s almost like there is a sort of order in natural social interactions for me where when people approach me, things work out fairly well where as if I approach them things don’t work out as well and don’t feel as natural. This could be a natural thing type 5s or born with, or it could be nuture like I get approached often and get used to it, but I don’t it’s the later for some reason.

Although I am an extrovert, being type five means I’m sensitive to reactions of others. I don’t mean sensitive like getting emotional, I mean sensitive like I’m kind of a perfectionist when it comes to social interactions. Anyways, I feel this may have been what caused me social anxiety in the past, and is now what makes me feel someone inadequate when it comes to initiating conversations. However, it’s not that I don’t know how to be social, it’s more like if it wont go perfectly or very well it will be a downer to my energy levels. However, is someone else initiates it and I am reacting to them, maybe it’s like I feel like I can’t put my best foot forward in an interaction because my best foot will depend partly on what the other person wants to get out of the interaction. The same way I don’t feel comfortable telling people what to do, I don’t feel authentic just pushing myself on people. I’d rather they decide for themselves if I am someone they want to talk to.

It’s not only for my sake, I also acknowledge the possibility that an interaction with me could end up being bad for them. Not like I’m a bad person or anything but just that we might not be right for each other and end up doing more harm than good by being being introduced to each others lives. I trust myself to be able to overcome any negatives, but I don’t trust them I guess, and don’t want to hurt others unintentionally. I guess since I’ve done a lot of obvserving I can see more variables than most people and to me people seem extremely fragile.

So all that plus the general demotivation that comes from poor reception, makes me feel
more comfortable letting people come to me. Also I am very good with answering questions about topics I am comfortable speaking about. Even just trying to be funny, I can be funny but I realized I don’t feel comforable being funny for the sake of gaining friends. That does’t feel right at all. I am funny WITH friends, or for my own enjoyment or just if something comes to me, but trying to be funny isn’t me being more social, it’s me being inauthentic.

The only problem is being an extrovert means losing energy when not around people. What I’ve been doing here so far is trying to do my studying and stuff at the library or somewhere public, (and with podasts?/). Also I try to find game events and things where I am interacting with others on working towards a goal. Plus there is school with classes where I can get involved by asking questions. Then there is work, and also the gym. All this being around people gives people chances to see who I am and decide if they want to talk to me for themselves. I think the reason I get energy even from just being around people, is that somewhere in me I know that is social and it’s enough that the right relationships will come out of it.

I feel(noticed) that for all my approaching of other people this past year I’ve still made more friends from being approached than the other way around and most of the girls that seemed to like me, seemed to like me before meeting me.

People seem to think that the man should do the approaching and they make it into a sort of hierarchy thing, like dominance and submission. However, that stuff is not a concrete human thing, it’s a phenomenon that exists in interactions between certain types, of which I think I am not. For me it seems to make far more sense to let people approach me, and it also can be seen as dominance(if that is the masculine thing iunno) as I am being sought after, instead of me being the one chasing.

I can extend this even to careers. I like this blog and I like my youtube channel and things of this nature for there own sake, I’ll just say that. For careers though, it seems there are two ways to go about it. One is to go out looking for a job, and approaching employers and selling myself. The second is for employers search for me. Either because they heard of me and want my help, or because they are looking for someone with my skills and stumble across me. Although it’s safe to say that said employer must be looking for something specific for them to come across me with any reasonable probability, I also think it safe to say that a type 5 would have a a unique skill set.

Also I feel this is might be way I don’t enjoy making videos of me talking on youtube, but rather just do music. Videos don’t seem appropriate because all I want to do is express my thoughts, and mainly to myself first, and second to anyone else stumbles on them. This is done far better through writing for me, than youtube so I see no reason to use youtube. It would be like advertising mostly, and I don’t feel that is authentic for me to self advertise as if I know what other people need or even just what is worth highlighting about myself in video format. Right now I’d much rather that be based on someone elses needs. Iunno though, we’ll see.

Sociology: For someone(entp?) who loves strategic challenge and humanity

well it’s 1:30 once again and here I am with another idea: Also I’ll note for the record I jogged twice week. once for 20 min on Wednesday after weights, and Friday(yesterday) for 8min lol after weights (felt burnout approaching so I stopped)  .

The process of weeding out bad options:

I mean, this may just be the natural process my mind has to go through to get to the right path. Just like the process of quitting a bad habit takes many attempts for the mind to learn the difference in mood from doing it and not doing it, for it to feel rewarding to not do it. I think the same type of thing is happening with this job search. I am slowly narrowing down my options. I moved away from the idea of just working for money, it didn’t feel right on so many levels, like I would be neglecting myself and everyone else.

The process of weeding out beautiful-inspired options that are somehow missing something:

I’m kind of moving away from art and music as well because although I enjoy them they don’t draw me in as much as I feel a job/game should. I need something focused more on strategy in an empowering feeling way that makes me feel alive. I want whatever career/game I chose to go into, to feel awesome to the music I listen to. I mean, I want to be able to play Avril Lavign’s losing grip” while walking to my friends house and feel like I am someone important, someone who is making a difference. I want that more than money.


The process of using experiences that make me feel alive as a gauge for what I like:

MTG, SC, Smash Brose, these games with strategy draw me in. It’s the strategy, the decision making, that draws me it. This is not replicated in programming and math because in these areas it seems mostly about buildings something based on how other people have done it. I would rather work on things where I use my mind strategically to solve something where I have less to go on. That is why in the above named games I am hesitant to even follow the strategies available I would much rather create my own.

The process of weeding out options that fit the above model except they are missing the people element:

Also programming and math are lacking a people element and it doesn’t seem authentic for me to go into either when the reason I would be doing so would be souly based on how I feel it would help humanity for me to do so. Psychology is cool but it is in a way more removed from “people” as although there is research to go into since I’m not interested in counseling(although once I get this sorted out I’ll probably try life coaching on the side, or at least market my blog. I also still feel like that research would be pretty far removed from the world of people.

The process of hindsight for seeing what would have made my choice an obvious one:

After seeing the video by Daniel H. Pink, I feel more confident to explore the possibility of sociology. Now thinking about it, I am pretty sure it is no coincidence that the course in school I think I found most engaging so far has been sociology at Seneca, and next would be European Civilization at York which I feel is deeply centered around sociology.

The process of building up determination and confronting possible obstacles/roadblocks:

I have heard many things about sociology being not a worth while course and only people bad at math go into them. However, I see the other side of the coin, about how it is actually needed, and that someone like me could probably make a huge difference in that area.

So that is where I’m at now, not sure how I’ll feel in the morning. Iunno what I’m basing everything on is, can I study the subject on my own and still feel engaged. That is a test I’ve been trying because it seems if I can’t do that, then it’s usually because I’m not interested in it enough but just interested in the people who are interested in it. Also I have this fear that if I chose a career that is based on just helping people, then if people don’t want my help, (this is worse case senario) if they just say, we actually only want people who can make technical stuff, if you can’t do that then we don’t need you(in society). Or something like that or I just get sick of people (which would probably mean depression which I avoid). However, I feel my study of people is not limited to helping them, but it is also just about me understanding them and maybe well not exactly integrating, but maybe learning how to improve relationships. So I feel that kind of knowledge will never be a waste. Also, thinking positively I guess the better I understand people the better I can figure out things I can create and provide for them, within my range of interest.

The thoughts that come after 2am about a goal I’m not even sure I’m going to go with…

Also, as I think I’ve wrote before, I’m more interested in doing what I believe in than in doing what other people want to pay me for. I mean, if I think the world could benefit from ideas like MBTI and others that I can research on, I would rather that be my life’s work and no one want it, than spend my life working on something I think is pointless for me and for society, and be paid to do that shit. I mean, as long as some people care about me (since as I said before I am in this spiritual position because I have people who love me, otherwise I’m not sure if I would care enough about others to be so focused on them, well maybe as long as I kept healthy, maybe it’s just a natural part of me… guess it doesn’t matter tho). Iunno, this is worse case scenario stuff though, basically it’s like saying what if I had a masters in comp sci but no one wanted to hire me just because. However, at least this way I am focused on what I actually care about. Basically, it’s for all the marbles. If I get tossed in the waste bin, I will remember how I fought the good fight. Also I’ll not give up and just take it one day at a time with my positive goal in mind and with a winning attitude.

Language learning Journal: Interesting occurances

First I decided if I didn’t feel like studying today I just wouldn’t, and minutes later I realized I did want to study so I did.

As I was skimming and reading words, I had music on and for some reason I got the feeling that the music I was listening to was China and in Chinese and I had to realize that actually no, I’m just really immersed to it feels like I’m in China, but the music is English lol. It was cool.

Then I realized that what I do besides skimming and looking for the word I want 10 times, is whenever I come across a blue highlighted word I open it in a new tab. This adds even more randomization because it determines the next word I search for as long as it’s interesting. So it meant that I went from spiderman and comics to Apollo and Greek mythology to The Plauge and other diseases.

That plus the music, I really felt like I was in flow, or close to it.

Prioreties: “…so we don’t become the Tyler Durdens and Robert Polsons of the future”

I don’t know if it’s because I stopped MOing cold turkey again and no cheese,
or because my Grandmother has been needing our support more this weekend
or because of the dark chocolate, or a mix of all these but I’m becoming
more aware of prioreties in life.

I guess I kind of started waking up to this last week? or beginning of
this week? But it just stated feeling like I had been neglecting the
wrong things for the longest time and seeing how far I was moving away
from things that I think are ultimatly far more important.

I feel like since the end of college I grew more and more obsessed with
the idea of finding sexual partners just for the sake of experiencing
what seems like something I ought to be able to experience. However 2 years
or so later, I know feel like I should be focused more on what I was focused
on when I was in college. On the human condition.

I think it’s best that I don’t even focus getting people to like me, maybe
not even to respect me. Iunno. I think the most meaningful thing, the thing
that would make my life feel like, well make me feel like I’m living the way
I should, is to just focus on improving or social state.

The state, the problem, is actually that while we have left the cave man
age, we still act as if we have to fight off lions. We still have the mentality
that we need hierarchy, and dominance, and money to make sure everyone does their
part. We are living in many ways as if in scarcity, and it is mostly philosophical
misconceptions that we are believing in that are keeping us feeling this way
and then we take them on and they become biological.

For instance. The idea that a guy should get the most attractive girl he can,
is philosophical although based on evolution it is a cognitive thing only.
Guys think its not far that so and so gets with the hot girls and no one else.
To some extent it is probably the guys fault if they don’t understand women
ect and that comes with education and experience. However, after that there will
still be a skew towards most attractive with most attractive, although there
will be outliers. This might have been a problem in a time of scarcity but now
it’s not and all there is now is people perpetrating a false belief based on the
idea that your mate determines your worth. This worth is an abstraction of
the need to be supported and feel like you can support others in times
of scarcity but it warped into wanting a trophy wife as a symbol of worth that
as little importance now.

I got on the bus and saw a girl with the nicest legs I’ve seen in a while
and it distracted me from my meaning for most of the bus ride to school. Then
I realized, I don’t NEED to talk to her, to meet her. I don’t need to be with the
hottest girl I can find. I just don’t. People shower those girls and guys wih
attention making them seem to everyone and themselves like they are so important
but the reality of the modern age is that they ought to focus on more important
things than that. We have evolved to the point where we can look past ourselves
and basic needs and focus on love ect and we should probably take the opportunity
to do so. At least those of us who can, where as those who can’t I guess will
be more of an emergency power supply for human life which should be downplayed
hard by everyone else so as not to remain distracted.

This isn’t to say I don’t want to have sex or meet someone I like, it’s just
that I think my prioreties should be adjusted to reflect reality.

I grew up with a lot of love in my family and I still have very loving
family support and I think I ought to role with that instead of fighting
for something more primitive and scarce. So I think I ought to role with that
and focus on improving society and how people see the world, in order to kind
of uplift society to one that is living in a more meaningful way, a way where
they don’t end up thinking their lives were a waste because they couldn’t save
anyone from a burning building, or get the hottest girl, or be the first to do
something amazing ect. I want to uplift people so that they feel their lives
are meaningful so they don’t become the tyler durdens and robert polsons of
the future, or end up on their death bed crying or cynical about a life they
felt was worth nothing to themselves or anyone.

I feel that if everyone or at least most people, were focused on doing meaningful things because they knew how good it felt and that there was nothing standing
in the way of that feeling in this day and age, no lions tigers and bears,
that money would become obsolete. Even if some people decided they did’nt
want to work, and just wanted to reep the benifits of the hard work of others
,it wouldn’t matter, not now, because this is the age of abundance.

After stepping back to see what I’ve been neglecting, Daniel H. Pink, Right Brained Economy

A few days ago after all the attempts and deciding on a path, and thinking maybe programming would work, I noticed that the choice didn’t feel sincere. Like I was selling myself and everyone else short by going that route. I felt like I just had so much more to offer although society didn’t have a place for it. So I took a step back and looked at all the other people in my life who at the present moment I had been kind of neglecting and would probably have to continue neglecting to give what I was truly capable of if I went that way, and it looked grim. From my research (not much I’ll admit) apparently although there is less war, there is actually more conflict now in the world. It’s just the way people relate to each other in general now that is far from optimal.

I realized, I mean just what am I even living for it I’m going to walk through life following the money and letting all my natural abilities that could help a lot of people just be relegated to the side project status. I thought about it, like when I die, what do I want to leave behind. Not based on other peoples idea of what a legacy is, but mine. What would feel worth while for me. So I realized I had to do better. Art, music, writing, just something. Something that would make an actual impact.

So yesterday I stumbled across “A whole NEW MIND: Why right-Brainers Will Rule the Future By Daniel H. Pink.” and it shed some light on the situation from an economic perspective which was great because even though I would rather my life be about helping others in the best way I can than making money, I still felt I shouldn’t have to neglect myself. So he basically says that in the future people with my skills will be in demand and that it’s slowly happening already and I totally see it. So I think I will focus more on doing things I feel are important and not on just money, also not on fame or anything like that either. I don’t want to be motivated by trying to get love, I want to be motivated by the growth of my own love for others and for the universe.

According to Daniel H., meaning is found in the service of others. However at least for me if feels like my true feelings of love don’t come from helping people, but instead they come from hearing an amazing song and witnessing other beauties and art forms, and mindfulness and meditation, and philosophy, and I guess to some extent novelty. So I wonder if I should be focusing on helping other people, or if I should be focusing on reaching some sort of nirvana or something. It just seems at least so far that all the value I’ve created was based on me seeking my own happiness. Although I have empathy, iunno if that comes from my parents infj isfx?, or from watching good tv and reading good books, or just the social environment in general. Iunno, and it helps to have empathy and want good things for the world(also philosophy for wanting good things for the world (terry goodkind)) but I still don’t see myself as a therapist. I have empathy and/or sympathy but I’m not too emotionally available.

I actually feel weird when I do something nice and a person is over joyed ect, because I just wish they could do it themselves, like be self-empowered and not so helpless. I think if I do focus on others it will be with that as the end goal. For people to be more self-empowered. my problem though is I get very easily discouraged when I try to help someone and they don’t want the help. I mean I don’t get upset but I just feel like, maybe I shouldn’t be trying so hard. That and the above is more reason to just focus on myself.

Then there are things like striving to become more attractive, body building ect. Do I do these things for me, or is it to try and win the love of someone else. Is it vanity or is it art. Is it abundance or scarcity. I know I have always wanted to have an awesome body, however now that I am pretty close to it I wonder if it is still for the right reasons. I am more sex obsessed now and I also wonder the same thing about sex. Is it good to want a partner to be very attracted to you or is it the same as trying to get someone to love you instead of loving yourself. Well what I think is that as long as you aren’t depending on it for happiness it makes a nice bonus. Like, if you are happy with who you are and if you feel you could be happy if you were unattractive and with no one finding you attractive, then I feel by all means strive to be even more attractive for your lover and for your enjoyment. However, I feel that in this day and age maybe priority should be on loving ones self first because in this age of abundance there is no need for self hatred as a motivator for survival, so all it does is takes away from enjoyment and growth and actually it takes away from survival lol. This is the age of intrinsic motivation, and intrinsic value.


Becoming literate in Chinese, my developing method Part 1

I study every other day. Never every day because doing it every other day means the day off is one where I think about other things. This way there is no build up of anticipation about my development in the language. So ofcourse it is important to have other goals to focus on with at least as much intensity. This kind of thing I think will keep me from getting bored of something enjoyable, as well it will keep me from becoming to over emotional and burn out.

Next the Immersion

I am focusing on buidling a chinese environment online for the most part. Youtube, wordpress, hotmail, moxilla firefox, ect, all in chinee. Then I am picking around 25 stand out words from those environments to srs, mostly one word at a time, although I might do sentences. I don’t write, but I observe the components to help me memorize. I did a lot of the youtub environment over two sessions and knwo I can navigate most of the basic stuff in Chinese which means I might never need to change the language back which means I will always know that much Chinese.

I will probably go that way for the next bit, maybe some sentences like warnings ect as they show up.

Next, extensive scanning

This is an ace in the whole almost. Pick a word, translate it into the language, google or find a book where that word comes up a lot, and then skim every word until you come across that world 10 times (I chose ten just cause it’s nice and small) When doing this, you obsorb so many other words, how they come together ect. Even if you don’t know what they mean, you will know what they are related to. This plus the stuff above, especially if you do this with words related to youtube or whatever part is in your immersion environment, you will get so used to seeing some words so soon that you will just naturally want to know what they mean, and remember them way faster.

The other thing

It seems this word search game is more fun than just reading.
1) It is a short thing and with many rewards along the way
2) The rewards are randomized
3) The rewards are based on what you know, there wont be any failure because you are perfectly suited to find that one word you know, you will find it just about every time. No negative feedback.

I think this could actually turn into a much bigger game if a short article was used as a game board with mana being tapped to travel or do other things with your avatar, and key words having effects bad and good when landed on. For instance “creature” could mean a random creature attacks your avatar, ect.

Anyways, I feel this is an excellent way to combine passive input of many characters, as well active learning of a word, and all in a way that is not very strenuous the word will be learned just based on the 2-5 min of searching for it over and over and seeing the other words and characters surrounding it which add context. I feel like if I did 20 of those wrord searches that woul be a good 20 words a day in under an hour. The words would be good meaning I would know them and remember them enough that I wouldn’t fail any of them on srs reps and would know them very quickly. Iunno, I still have to test this but I feel this is a better method than just putting in words to a deck and goign through them until memorized. So this method combined with learning words in environment, should be great. Also I think I need to decide which words I’ll use for the word searches. I could even take words out of immersion, and then word search them, and then add them to the srs. Or I can word searh any other words I think are interesting, iunno.

Or I can word search words in a subject I woud like to read, or a book ect. Just word search 20 words from said book, passivly taking all the sentence structures and patterns as I go. If I do that for a month. Thats 20×15(cause every other day = 300 words, targeted words, to add to my vocabulary. Or I can even take a book or article and go through the same article but wordsearching different words. Although that might be far more boring, it would be pretty effective in getting more exposure to previous words I’ve learned passivly as I learn new ones and quickly gain ability to read that article.

Empathetic Future

Is it true that the future of work will be more about empathy, and creativity and meaning. While the past , agriculture, industrialization, knowledge economy ect were all left brained and narrow focus. This would be an eye opening idea and it actually seems to make sense especially in light of the movement towards artificial intellegence.
I also feel that the people who make the most money will on average be the people who are the least empathetic, least emotionally intellegent, the least self-compassionate, ect. I mean I can even see in myself when I focus on money it is mostly out of a sensen of alsmost self hatred. However, unlike the people who just stick with the left brained work centered focus, I am not naturally that way. I am naturally extremely introspective, compassionate, empathetic, ect. I mean, I’m not as emotionally available as some people, dealing with angry people, sad people, ect face to face is draining for me, but I still see te big picture that human suffering should be dealt with asap.

I just want to quickly make a guess that that would be certian mbti types that are the majority, and who gravitate towards the work, the doing, the action oriented pursuits, where as other types, the minority, would be more contemplative. I will alo guess that the reason the contemplative types have been the minority is because throughout history so far, doers where on average better at surviving. However in this day and age survivin is not a problem so types are becoming more diverse and there is an increase in people who have abilities in more soft and social and philosophical areas.

See I feel like the emapthetic types where second class citezens throughout history but that this is changing as the workers are realizing that there is not as much work that really really needs doing and so they are forced to look around at what is left which is the state of humanity. Then this is where the heart warmers get to play theire part as they become basically spiritual educators ect. By the same token there will be more of a focus on intrinsic motivators like helping others because it feels good, instead of for money(although payment will still be needed at least at this point), instead of the focus that has been all along which was on survival which means extrinsic motivators. Also I’ll add that it can be had to even be in touch with intrinsic motivations factors when you are so distracted by the extrinsic ones. This is where that zen stuff about letting go might come into play for me at least in terms of letting go of money and being appreciated ect, and letting more intrisnic motivations be heard.

It seems very hard to get this idea because we are used to learn from the past but all of history has been about survival where as now it’s about enlightenment. It’s totally different. We doing pursue art in 2014 based on people who in 2013 couldn’t get work. They think, oh well in 2020 I will want to start a family, can I do it on art, probaby not. However, there is a possibility that by 2020 artists will be in extremely high demand, at least artists who are focused on bettering people in the newly right ways.

heh, or we can all be hypocrits, pretending we are working to “contribute to society” and meanwhile letting 10% of that society fall through the cracks…or do they not count. What are we contributing to? What is society? Is society made up of all the people, the old and the young, the technicians and the artists, everyone with all of their desires? Or is society only the upper class doers, and then the rest of the world, their entertainment?

Beauty and Human Potential

I thought about programming as a career, and maybe it’s me being in a positive
and horny state that makes me feel like I can do better, but yeah.
I feel like I cna do much better, through focus on philosophy, which is like,
a bigger picture. Iunno, it just seems like programming and math are very narrow
pursuits, but philosophy, if explored from a productive point of view, can have
a huge impact on everything.

So I was thinking about beauty and how a lot of what I and other people like is
related to it. I feel like beauty is about things being efficient, and novel(which
maybe is a form of efficiency since randomness is pretty efficient in that in means accessing infinite possibilities. However I want to keep it in a category of it’s own for now.

I mean I guess creativity could be even more of a broad categorie that beauty fits into but I’ll talk about beauty for now since it’s something I feel passionate about. I feel passionate about it btw in that I feel possible the only thing motivating me to not just be homeless is that maximizing the beauty of myself and my environment depends on money at least in part. Also just freedom. I also wonder if on some level beauty, or the focus on creating it, is what freedom is about.

By beauty I mean as taken in by te five senses. I mean I do feel that things that feel good at a cognitive and emotional level like someone with a a beautiful personality, or a beautiful philosophical idea, can be beautiful. Iunno I guess it doesn’t seem like those things depend on money. Also I’ll add that something like a house, would not be beautiful to me if it was not structurally sound, just as a girl can’t be beautiful to me if she ha a bad personality to me.

It’s just that I wonder if maybe since beauty depends on efficiency and novelty, maybe the same concepts that create efficient and novel stimulations for the five sences would also apply to things like structural integrity of a building, or social work. I mean, it seems that this would be the case, since for the most part, things that are more efficient, are better, and things that are novel also have a great chance at being somehow more efficient and in a new way.

So I wonder if it would make sence to focus on beauty, as it taken in by the five sences as a study on efficiency and novelty as can be created by the human mind. Applying findings from breakthroughs in beauty of the 5 sences to findings in a general theory that can be applied to other areas. Either that, or focusing from the start on thinkin of how to do everything more efficiently.

However, I guess no matter how much I learn about efficiency and novelty, it wouldn’t compare to what humanity as a whole, and the universe as a whole can produce. Since there may be other people looking at the same things, but in many different ways, coming up with many other ideas. What I wonder is if I should focus my path on artistic expression or economic expression, and if I should do that through focus on novelty, or on purity(efficiency), or both, ect, and what I areas I should focus those things towards, and who I shoul be trying to show my products to, masses, or a few people I could blow away with it.

Also I think it would be best that I focus on both novelty and efficiency, so I don’t end up with things that are novel but in a stupid way.

Anyways, I think if I find human productivity and development to be so important, maybe I should focus on developing and at the same time recording my own, and ways I can improve on it based on results of those ways I try.

I wonder if there is any point focusing on trying to teach people how to do things or if there are enough things for people to read and people have enough potential to discover new things and improve on there own in new ways. Well I guess I might as well record what I do anyways because if someone likes what I do enough to ask, I want to be able to tell them what they want to know.

Also, if the sense of beauty was based on the person sensing their environement is good for there genes, would that mean that if someone created beauty, they have become better for their genes, or that they have the potential to be better if they put there creativity towards something meaningful, or that te fact that they can do something like art, means their environement is conducive in some way to being good for their genes, maybe a signal that if they are alive and doing their art, it must mean the species as a whole is producing people who are that creative.

If it were the last thing that were true, then maybe what people need is more and better music ect, so people can see that the world is better, down to their genes, and therefore less civil unrest.

and I’ll add that maybe if there were more songs that were done by 4 people and the reiterated by another 4 people or so, there would be more stuff outthere like the tin fed remix. Also there would be more people realizing the value of working together on something like this and possible create music that is absolutly transendant. Maybe it would just be a reflexion of the genetic situation of present, but actually I think it would serve to enhance it, if only through more people working together out of love instead of separating or only working together out of fear. At most, people will create music that actually affects a person at the genetic level, pushing the body to heal diseases. Also ideas as far as how people shoulw work together, team based iterations, and other ideas, would be transferable to any field.

So even if things like music and art where nothing but a form of genetic catharsis, it would still be extremely usefule as such.

I think I might be at a point where I realize the only way I will work to my full potential is if I work with other people and get other people working based on ideas I’ve shown them. I just feel like I am pushing towards more and more vision and it has a lot of potential. More than anything else I could do. I mean, sure I could do programming and make money eventually, but is that all I want to do. I’m in a good mood right now, zin, vitamin d, doing well on tests, hanging out with friends tmr, working out, mangoes, ect, and these are my thoughts. That my most productive state will be coming up with revolutionary philosophical social ect ideas and showing people who will act on them(with me, until/unless I have another project to start on)

Iunno, those are the thoughts of the night, after maybe days thinking about doing something like programming just to be making money. Iunno, today, and espcially after listening to louis ck talk about accepting loneliness, and after seeing how little progrmaming feels like it offers me, I just feel I can do better for myself. That’s today though. Maybe it’s that I actually feel like I have options now that I’m hanging out with people more. I don’t want it to be that way. I would much rather be lonely but know that in sticking to my guns I am sitting on a gold mine and can invite people to it, than feel like the only reasons I feel confident is because  of company.

Well, maybe it’s getting late lol, but I’m going to write this last bit. This is the idea that I could and maybe already do create iterations on the beautiful things other people already create. I mean most of what I create is inspired and influenced by something else. So it’s not like I(or anyone really) is some all original artist thingy. So anyways, what I had been feel was that what I create, even in areas like music, ever seems to measure up to what I feel is possible, and that is what want, to bring amazing possibilities into existence. So I’m thinking, while I wait and see who wants to join me, maybe I could at least do remix and that sort of thing, of stuff I like, putting my own spin on things this way. See I know one area of entrepreneur ship is improving things that already exist. Btw, see I’m seeing this idea first from an artist perspective, influenced by team sleep remix of a song called drop by tinfed. It’s one of the best songs I’ve ever hearhttps://knowyourselffree.wordpress.com/wp-admin/post.php?post=5231&action=editd. It made me realize the power of improving something that already exist. I mean, I guess Deftones and team sleep have there own music as well, very original at that, and they are a band. Also mash ups are good. Putting many good ideas together in a way that makes them fit. This is way easier in something like music than something like programming, but the idea still exists. Stuff like fan fiction and like Dante. So I guess if I wanted to do something on my own, I could expect that putting many other peoples ideas that I like, together, and with my own spin on it, would have good results and may be a natural way of functioning for me.

It would be like, instead of starting with nothing, and trying to create novel things by changing how I think each time, like trying to be different on purpose, I could take my tastes and add them or react with them, to other peoples tastes. At least this would work for all the time I don’t have anything original to express but still want to be productive and inspired. It’s good to have something to react to.


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