After meeting up with friends: ENTP: Relationships > Industry & Self-Empowered = Take responsibility you social life

Or maybe philosophy is what has been saving me this whole time, and I should give it more
of a focus. It seems to me that even if I was rich, if I didn’t have the type of
relationships I wanted, I wouldn’t be happy. There is just no substitute. On the other hand
if I was poor but had amazing friends, including a hot gf, I would be very happy. I mean
I would still probably want to focus on self-improvement but it’s no subsitute for
relationships for me. I think what has been happening often is some of those relationships
will go sour and I will rationalize it as I am depending on those people and they are
not depending on me so I am the loser if things go bad, and if I need them then I must
defer to them and they will make more money than me and they will get the girls that
I want, and I should just be happy that they are doing me the favour of being my friend.

heh, maybe one to many istjs or something, Iunno. See I feel like my most authentic
self is not bringing something to “the market” but bringing something to society as a whole,
which they wont even look at unless they know me and have the connections. It makes it
seem like I don’t have any power. If I was good at something that was needed in the market
already, something people pay for already, then I would make money. However, if my
true interests don’t fall in market areas I wouldn’t be bein authentic. Therefore I would
not be free, even if I was making money. I wouldn’t be free until I was doing what I
really wanted, and maybe not even until I was being paid for it, showing that people really
do appreciate what I have to offer. If it’s just volunteer for something I feel is deserving
of payment I will probably feel undervalued.

So it seems th most authentic thing for me is to get involved with other people. Basically
althought I like my independance, it seems the way I want to express it is by being
apart of something. Now, does that make me inherently disempowered? I feel that depends
on a few things. One is my attitude towards meeting new people and in what I become
involved in. I can see it from a point of desperation where I NEED to fit in with
these people no matter what, to feel good. This way I give all my power away to them and
if they don’t respect me I’ll just take it. That is bad. The other way is to say, my goal
is to make relationships that are mutualy benificial and where we both want to help each
other because we both like each other, and I wont except anything less, so if I can’t
have that with you, I will move on to find someone for whom I can. This way it is
way healthier, not desperate, and it means two people becoming friends through the
non-desparate intrestin in enjoying life and making good things(including money) happen,
but not willing to settle for relationships that don’t include a mutual respect and
benifit.

If my enjoyment in life comes from being involved in projects with people
that only really becomes disempowering if the people I want to be involved with, don’t
want to be involved with me. This way it becomes like it was throughout elemenary and junior
high school. If I decide that I am looking to do cool things with people that respect me,
and who I respect, and only that, then there is no way it will be disempowering. It’s
all or nothing. I either get the good relationships, and the money, and the fun, or I
just keep searching. That is my job. I’m not a begger, I’m not a scavenger, I’m just
someone who knows what makes them happy, and I am happy even just knowing I am going
for it, instead of something I’m not happy going for.

See if life for me were mainly about being a super hero cyborg, then ofcourse I would be
focusing on that. However, I feel people are more important to me than that, which
is what makes it so inauthentic to try to be that person who goes for that. It’s like
I’m wishing I was that person who only wanted to be super powerful, BECAUSE I think it’s
not ok to want friends, but because in reality I do want friends, I am unable to enjoy
working towards that vision.

To be authentic would be to decide to focus on making new friends, and working with cool
people. To be empowered, is to accept that it may not work out, but also to accept that
you wont stand for anything less than the love and respect you want from people and people
you love and respect, and goals you love and respect. It’s All or nothing. No settling.

I’ll just restate he importance of my value, in my area of passion, actually being useful
enough that I feel fulfilled in my contribution and as well that others are actually
helped as much as I feel they are. and useful enough that people gladly pay. I think I
stated this already, but yeah, I think if it’s the most important thing to me, it will be
worthy of payment.

Now, I did after all, realize this perspective through, well for one it was through
meeting up with a friendI hadn’t seen in years, as well as other friends I would call
closest in a way. However it is also based on my desire to make a living. HOWEVER,
more importantly it is based on my desire to make a living, and work up to making a living,
in an enjoyable way, and for me, this means working with other people I like, towards
something that affects us all (or maybe even just affects them) in a way I like. This is why
I don’t play videogames by myself. I need to know I am entertaining someone or teaching
someone or inspiring someone, ect, otherwise I see no point in improving my skill level.

I mostly don’t stick to learning something unless I’m in school with other people I get to
interact with every day.

So anyways, if I want to be all or nothing , focusing on finding cool people to do things
I believe in with, that poses the questions, should I not change myself to become more
valuable to others so they are more willing to work with me? I think no so far. For one,
because would I want to hang out with someone if I have to meet some criteria that is not
myself before hand? I mean, it’s not like I’m not interested in anything, I am still a
person. I just feel like I am not as interested in STEM and more interested in Social
Sciences and fun and intellectually stimulating fun at that. So I should find people
who r like me, and we can build each other up. If I was the only one like me, then I
guess I would not have these ideals to work towards in the first place so that is my basis
for dismissing even further, the idea that I am becoming less independant. I am no less
independant, I am just, as an independant, deciding to meet other people who I connect with
an building a bright future with them.

Then there is the question, well what if there are four of us and we come together to
do something cool? Then what? If it’s not marketable, do we get to eat?
Well here is to hoping that getting enough of us together to create something
will mean creating something amazing and if not marketable(because I’m not really interested
in the market) Will change the world somehow, not to mention some of the people I connect
with, may be already in many different areas in society, pursuiing their passions as well
and already stable, and connecting with me would just mean me adding even more to them
and their areas.

What all this means is… some people might be able to do cool things on
their own, and not need to work with anyone else to get a good job ect. Then there is me
and if I had to survive I guess I would do anything, but while that isn’t the concern I
feel like I am hard pressed to pretend it is when I think I can do even better, if only I
could find people willing to work with me. So who is willing?

From now on, maybe I will seek out people who will actually feel excitement in working with
me. Not people who might hire me. I have to do better, for a career, and for life. I will make
myself visible to the people who would respect me. Who support me because they believe in my
interests and goals and ideas.

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