Jogging for Increased Inspiration/Direction cont.

        Is it that I stop believing in what I love of is it that I stop loving what I love enough to believe in it regardless of if it’s actually worthy. Iunno, I wonder if after jogging, i will still feel like moving out somehow while still doing school or is that just something that comes from feeling not in control and seeking that feeling from external environment instead of from personal health. I think it’s possible that I’ve solved the issue of wanting to do creative writing in order to move out but not being able to create because of  lack of motivation or inspiration. I realize that I don’t have inspiration when I’m focused on money more than the joy, but also because when I haven’t been jogging, this causes both lack  of inspiration and a lack of belief that what I’m doing is worthy for it’s own right and might even pay off.

        When I have been jogging, I seem to feel like what I’m doing is productive even if it’s entertainment, I mean entp entertainment, so creative things, of course, it will be original and valuable. Not everyone should be a doctor, someone has to make the toys, music, ect. Whatever else someone is inspired to do, regardless of whether or not they are paid, if it feels worthy enough the gamble should be taken maybe. It seems jogging increases both feelings that passion is worthy AND the level of creativity that goes into that passion. So maybe it isn’t because I didn’t have money that I felt I could do what I wanted, but hat because of not jogging that I could feel what I wanted to do, and maybe make money through that ,, otherwise do it prolifically and, be doing what I want, regardless.

        Sure living at home may feel like I’m depending on other people, and getting support, but people seem to be fooled into thinking that means I’m not taking responsibility for myself. When in fact I do nothing but that, and have never expected handouts, but am nothing but focused on what is worthy for me to focus on. Also when I jog, I don’t focus on how to be happy or have an awesome life, cause I already have it after that so I’m just focusing on enjoying it which takes lots of creativity. Also I wonder if I’m more curious after jogging, as curiosity and anxiety are opposing emotional state. Also I just feel like when I’m not jogging , I don’t have time to be curious cause I’m too worried about feeling worthy ect. Where as after jogging I am more interested in enjoying myself which curiosity is a part.

        So all this actually begs the question, is there any point even trying to accomplish things on days like today where I didn’t get enough sleep and when thoughts about my future career potential are creeping back in. I realize that my brain is becoming wired to approach my life in a way I feel is more on the pessimistic side. So I have the option of either entertaining that opinion and obsessing over those things until my next jog and good night’s sleep, trying to focus on what I think I would focus on if I were inspired, or just do nothing except maybe go for a walk, watch something online, and hope sleep takes me sooner that way. It seems actually like the smarter thing would be the later option.

        I also wonder after the increase in direction I felt after jogging, if we do all have an internal compass or source of direction for contributing the most good to the world, even if it doesn’t fall within one of the few categories that exist for that right now. I mean, I guess there are some people who don’t really give it too much thought as to what they want to do, they just already know and it already exists as a category for them to fall into. However, for others I feel it is not at all that simple. I mean, I wonder if it is actually extremely simple, but just lacking social support.

For example, the way I feel I would be heading if I kept jogging and kept improving in mood would be I guess focusing on finding more and even high level forms of fun/spiritual development. Such as story writing, music, philosophy and psychology study, game design(not video game necessarily), ect. I would be focused on that, not on how to “make a living” or how to “support myself”. You see, I’m not here to prove I can support myself. While it is good to have a part time job or two going while I’m in school, if I don’t have to support myself yet, why would I build an empire around that which distracts me from doing what I feel is closer to my authentic productive drives. I mean I hope what I do helps people enough that they pay me, but more importantly I want to do what is the truest expression of me as a life.

 

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