Cycle of content and discontent and it’s effects on life decisions

So I now have this debate going on about whether I should continue on studying psychology which is relevant to me but which I find myself able to learn effectively on my own and apply, or switch to video game design and development which is kind of interesting and definitely challenging and I will finish i two years and can get a job in easier.

So this got me thinking. I got myself to try programming again when I was in the more negative dissatisfied mindset. I realize now that it i actually fun for me, as long as I stick to the things in it that are fun and don’t push myself to hard for days in a row. However, I figured this all out during the low point. So does this mean, now that my mood is improving, that my motivations might be different, ?and that those discontented motivations are actually invalid? Or does it mean that the discontented mindset is actually a valid one?

I mean it seems to be a cycle of jogging and feeling amazing, and then not jogging and feeling like staying up late trying to figure out how to make money and be free.(free, which would relate to the feeling I get after jogging where my life truly feels like mine to live) So I wondered, am I somehow doing this cycle, becoming dissatisfied purposely to motivate myself to scry for knowledge, and then finding it(programming) and then starting to jog again to become satisfied. Then it hit me, yes i am doing it on purpose, but maybe not for that reason. I jog until I am confident and happy with everything, then why would I care about jogging if I’m so optimistic, so I stop jogging, then downward spiral. So it’s almost like self-regulating behavior, except I’m not sure if it’s something I will continue to benefit from. I’m not even sure the idea of learning programming is of any benefit to me actually. I mean it ca be fun, but if I didn’t have money motivating me, and the past dissatisfaction motivating that, I’m not sure I would/will keep going. I’m not sure I should either. I mean it seems like a good route to employment statistically, but is it really something I need.

Also as I enrolled in second year psych anyways, just in case, I felt a lot of positive emotions. Feelings of belonging, and purpose. Also, I know that psychology would be a area where I will thrive where as programming, although I find it challenging, it is not my natural preoccupation and I don’t expect to ever be as good as the best, as I’m just not that type. I would only expect to excel in the area of game programming which actually is just being creative and unique and understanding psychology. Now that I feel more content, I feel like not having a job right now is really not that big a deal. My life is my life regardless of if I am living with my parents or not.

If I commit for 3 more years and then fall into a discontentment it will be even worse unless I’m all-in and have something to show for my effort by then.

Note which might come in handy in my arguments, I played cards today and I realized the thing that bothers me about that atmosphere when the tournaments get going is everyone is there to win, more than to have fun or learn things. It seems like the competition is more important to them than it is to me. For me, magic the gathering is a way to challenge my mind and be creative in front of people, but it’s not really for an ego boost or anything. I felt like a lot of the players there, like they couldn’t relate to me because I wasn’t as focused on the game, and therefore wasn’t as good, and they maybe assumed I was focused on it but just wasn’t good lol. They seemed to see me as a beginner, “noob”, ect, but to be honest if being good was my primary goal I would already be good. My primary goal was to meet people who were like me and I guess enjoyed the game for the more creative and discovery and social fun, not about who is winning.,I think there might be a few guys there, and they seem also like there is more on their minds than the game. I feel like I stick out like a sore thumb and it almost bad me feel like there was something wrong with me, but now I realize I am just looking more at the bigger picture where as most of these guys were not. I walk in there and it’s like the only thing these guys are thinking is, “this guy is a noob”. That seems to be what they see me as, as a human being, which is so weird, because anywhere else in the world, I would be seen as who I am, not based on my level of skill in a game. Well, people often say MTG players were intense and I’ve seen it before so I’m not surprised.

I honestly feel I have better luck meeting people I connect with, in school, than during a game that they will take too seriously. This is kind of more argument for psych vs game programming as game programming would kind of be the element I’d feel people are focused too much on. Or at least, I can imagine meeting people who focus too much on high scores if I were to study that. Although I guess that is way too narrow minded as there are so many types of people, and games. However, although I like games, they are not my life. Where as, psychology as a whole, well it is closer to being my life. The experiences of life, versus the experiences of games.

Anyways, so now I wonder, since I am so confident now that sticking with psych actually seems like an option. Will I keep feeling this way, if I can keep jogging ect, and will it pay off soon enough so that I’m not still living at home at 30. Or if there is a way for me to not b living at home sooner, maybe it would be worth looking into. Scholarships ect.

Also, now that I feel like my life is more mine, I feel that all this learning I’m doing, is my career. I feel like this is the most valuable thing. Learning what I should study, learning how being healthy puts me on a different motivational path, ect. These things are invaluable. I feel like these things, and all the other things I do in my unknown quest, are my life, my career, my legacy. No matter what anyone else thinks, and no matter how lonely it might get, it’s extremely important that I express myself as completely as I can.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: