Paying attention to the body’s needs for wholeness and confidence

So I want to analyze exactly how I felt today, or at least the earlier part of the day before work where I grew tired ad the sparkle in my eyes grew a bit dim again.

Earlier today, the feelings I had, was composed of multiple features that I feel are related all though finding the connections between them on a philosophical level will take a bit of thinking. So here we(I) go:

Observations

(Beyond the connection I felt to my past and the strengthened sense of memory which comes from serotonin and other things as a result of better sleep)

General feeling of confidence

Actually it went beyond confidence, it was like I felt like just having fun.

It was not exactly an urge, more like I felt a potential for fun especially socially. I felt high potential to be funny, to be charming, to connect with people, to laugh off the stupid shit.

I felt like the things I had been obsessing over for the last few days just stopped being as important. Not like they became things I didn’t care to achieve any more, but it stopped being an obsession. I stopped needing those things.

It’s interesting that when I was more tired, I became more obsessive. It seems counter intuitive that being more tired would make me want to spend more time thinking, less time sleeping in some cases. It was like I became distracted from the real problem. It was like my body was unhealthy but my mind misinterpreted the problem as something I needed from the outside world.

Earlier today, I guess the best way to describe it was that I didn’t need anything from the outside world. I was whole or closer to it, but being whole, not needing anything, didn’t mean not wanting anything. What I wanted, what most anyone wants, is enjoyment. The thing is, because I felt whole or was whole, I had the potential to create the enjoyment. I had the potential to summon the good energy, the levity, the passionate achievement in the gym, ect. It stopped being something I was looking outside myself for, and become something I could bring to other people.

It started from the moment I woke up actually, and took a few deep breaths. The feeling, while not quite bliss, was in that area. The area where just breathing is enjoyable. So now I have a way of describing this state of mind. It’s not like I’m euphoric and on some sort of high, although maybe it is a mini high in a way, but it’s maintainable. It’s also not the sort of “at peace with one’s self that you get from meditation where of course your at peace haven’t moved for 20 min, what else could you feel lol. No, this was like an energy, a positive charge. It didn’t come from meditation, I just woke up with it.

Confidence

Not only is is a potential for having fun, and creating fun, it also came with a confidence. I just didn’t care about a lot of stuff I would otherwise care about. Especially socially. It’s not that I didn’t care what anyone thought of me. I mean given the choice I’d rather people like me than not. However, it was like, if someone doesn’t like me, it’s like I’m not as sensitive to it. It just doesn’t bother me. It just seemed like things in general didn’t bother me as much maybe. So with this confidence that came from just not care about stuff, not seeing threat, with that came a sense of levity. I realized if I’m not worried about anything, it’s like a load off my shoulders and so I felt like I could do things I wouldn’t otherwise feel I could do. Just not having things in the back of my mind to worry about made me feel free enough to see the humor in things instead, and just in general, to see everything as not a big deal.

So if I’m talking to someone in that mental state, it’s stopped being about trying to make a good impression. I didn’t need to worry about that. For one I realized the best way to make a good impression was to seem healthy. Two I just didn’t need them in general, so I didn’t need to be so self conscious. It just hit me when I was in the middle of talking to someone at the gym. I realized, there’s actually nothing wrong with me looking at the floor when I talk, or leaning on a machine. I don’t need to give someone my undivided attention right now, it’s just a conversation. Not that I don’t care about them or about the conversation, I mean I wouldn’t talk to someone if I didn’t care about hearing what they have to say. It’s just the general energy I changed. I just realized, I don’t have to act any other way than how I would act with someone I know.

Dissatisfaction

See a few days ago that wasn’t the story. Back then it was, you need to try and get someone to like you. So sure at the end of the day I still wanted something healthy authentic. However I wanted it for the wrong reason. I wanted it because I thought I needed it. I thought I needed it I guess because I though that was what was wrong with me, the reason why I felt something was missing from my life. The reason why I didn’t feel whole, which when said that way it seems kind of trivial, and the physical indications felt trivial as well. However, my mind started to work over time, because even though I wasn’t feeling a tangible negative emotion was being added to my body, what I felt was a subtle feeling of dissatisfaction with life which is actually very non-trivial, it is actually a state of loss. It’s just like how people act like a break up shouldn’t be a big deal but scientist realized it triggers the same pain pathways in the brain as a physical injury or loss of a body part would.

So I would say that life dissatisfaction caused by an unhealthy physical status, resulted in the mistaken urge to seek external satisfaction to the extent of the physical unwellness. What this means to me is that no matter how much I think I need something from the world to make me happy, like staying up late, or meeting new people, the reality is that if I had gotten a good night sleep, a really good night, I would be completely satisfied and any fun I would have would come from within be and be something I invite others to, instead of something I feel I need to seek out others for.

Conclusions

So that is what I feel I’ve learned. That my level of life satisfaction, comes almost completely from my level of physical health. Iunno, I mean I’m sure there are people who are dying but still happy, although I’m sure many cases wont be this way. It seems though that that is a different case. If I was sick and dying, my thoughts wouldn’t be on life satisfaction, or life goals, especially things as trivial as meeting new people, because I would be facing the end of it and coming to terms with that and with existence. It’s a totally different mental state and I’m sure it has it’s own set of rules that govern how a person feels, although healthy would most likely be one factor. Satisfaction and dissatisfaction, for me right now seem to be about when I have my whole life ahead of me, what am I going to do with it.

So in an unhealthy state of mind, it seems I’m focused on getting something out of life. Where as in a healthy state of mind, I have things to give to life. I kind of feel like all this being based on my quality of sleep leaves me vulnerable. As well though, I feel like now that I know what my happiness actually depends on, I know what it doesn’t and so I wont be distracted by that. So I wont stay up late surfing the internet under the impression that I will find what is missing from my life if I keep looking. Instead I’ll be more interested in getting a good night sleep, eating right, walking for an hour or more, maybe meditating, ect, because those are the things that my body and mind actually need for health.

As for the confidence and carefree attitude that comes with it. I have a few hypothesizes.

One is that when I get enough sleep, more of my brain s active and so I realize more of my potential and  so I’m not as anxious. Two and more likely is that with increase serotonin, I just don’t care about things as much which leads me to be more confident by default. I’d like to be able to say it’s a philosophy about being more healthy meaning more confident, but it seems serotonin regardless of whether it comes from health, or SSRIs would have the same effect. The thing is, I may not always have high serotonin, I mean,  I might go to bed late some nights, and I might not have vitamin d some nights. Actually I go through these thoughts whenever I get better like this, I wonder if I should be depending on these factors and not on my own mind. However, the reality is the mind is part of the body. I can’t be happy without the part of the brain that brings happiness. I can’t be confident without the part of the brain that does that. I can’t do either of these without the nutrients to create the co-factors to produce the hormones to communicate these things to me.  However, if I am in a situation where my confidence is less than optimal, the best option might be to mimic how I would feel otherwise. Meaning relax(breathing, muscles) and try to get closer to that place of not caring. I don’t mean doing stupid things because I don’t care. I mean looking any threat in the face and deciding not to care, but then still doing what is the best and smartest thing you can do in the situation.

A good example of that would be if right now instead of scheming about what I would do if I ran out of vitamin d, I just decided  would cross that bridge if I came to it. Basically trusting my self to get myself out of any mess I end up in(not purposely stupidly fall in). Just a high level of confidence. Whatever happens I’ll figure it out, and if I don’t then I just don’t. The other thing about vitamin d which is similar to people who practice mindfulness was that I didn’t feel much fear of death when I thought about it. I thought, if I died tmr it wouldn’t be a big deal. It was a suicidal thing, just a…contentment thing.

hmmm… so maybe if fear of death is quelled by feeling content from mindfulness of vitamin d, then confidence also comes from that. Feeling content with life. Feeling whole. You would think feeling whole would just mean feeling happy or good about ones self. However, it seems feeling whole extends to feeling ok with death. Feeling whole means feeling like not being at all is not a big deal. It’s like a perspective where nothing is missing from ones world. There is nothing that isn’t cool. I would say this is a higher level of consciousness because all though we have emotions that say differently, reality is that humans are a very small part of the universe and that the universe is experiencing itself through us. The healthier we are, or the more able we are to identify with the idea that death is ok, maybe the closer we come to seeing and experiencing the true natural of the universe.

It seems though that for most people, it takes overcoming all psychic and physical threats before being able to realize the this reality. However, mindfulness is most definitely a way of getting there. I just feel like even with mindfulness practice, if the person doesn’t agree with this perspective, they wont have it. Where as maybe someone could be not practice mindfulness, or sleeping well, ect, but just decide at a philosophical level, to not fear their own end, or their owe sake in general, and that it would lead them to that same sense of wholeness and hopefully love for others and potential for good.

It just seems like humans have developed a sense of self importance, an ego, as just an evolved thing since in the animal kingdom it was necessary. However, it isn’t optimal spiritually and so now as we evolve further and have more ability to survive without a sense of self importance, maybe we need to let go of it to truly be happy. Not to mention, if it makes us happier, it would mean being healthier and so living longer on average anyway.

It just seems like anxiety has many causes with some being vital to survival and others like self importance, being more self destructive. Not to say don’t let yourself be known for who you are, or strive to be better, just maybe don’t be anxious about it. lol iunno I’m getting tired now. I guess the moral of the story is  seek wholeness through physical and mental(philos, meditation) health. Also about confidence, it’s a hard one because part of it is social confidence which i think comes from wholeness, but then the other part is actual scary situations ect so all I can say there is have the appropriate level of arousal to survive lol.

 

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