Better Sleep, Fun vs Survival, Get a job vs Making games

Yesterday I did a lot of things right. I did a lot of walking(serotonin), ate a banana(tryptophan), two turkey patties(tryptophan), peanuts(I think tryptophan), zinc(melotonin), vitamin c(reduce cortisol), brown bread as night snake(serotonin). Most of these are things that convert to melotonin at night I’m not surprised I slept so well. So those could all be reasons why I slept great last night. Also I did somehting That and the fact that I had been weight training every other day so even though my sleep wasn’t best, it was like I was primed for a good night sleep whenever it was ready to happen.

Today I woke up and my breathing was deeper. I felt lighter. Also I felt the obsessiveness I have been having for the past week has faded. I feel more clear headed. Part of me feels like, wow what was I even thinking the past few days. I have more confidence in myself and my ability to succeed in life, or, the confidence I almost always have, is more on the tip of my tongue so to speak.

In the gym I got this rush of energy in the middle of my seated cable rows exercise. It more than just energy too, it was like an optimism, and a spiritual(existential) thing. I had put on a song I found last year and was remembering all the feelings of that time.  (See serotonin has a big role in memory, especially positive memories. Then I just felt so centered, like I was connecting to my past selves. The selves that wanted different things, for different reasons. The self that valued athleticism for it’s own sake, or for the sake of self improvement(leveling up…), not for some of the external reasons I’ve had as of late.

Then I talked to people and just realized how I should be feeling when talking people. It shouldn’t be something serious. I should be having fun. That is a big part of who I was that I forgot.

I realized that the last week I was having something of an existential crisis, feeling like I needed to achieve certain things or else my life would be meaningless. I feel now like that was the result of my body being in a less than optimal state which put my mind in sort of a survival mode. It was I’d say, a lower level of consciousness where survival was priority. I was still logical about my reasoning which was scary. I felt like, of course survival and evolution to be able to survive better, should be priority. However that is like, the highest level of scarcity. Not enjoying the gift of life, only trying to protect it. I mean, sure protect it if it is at risk, but in general there should not be anxiety about life. I would argue there should not even be anxiety about the end of life, unless it is an immediate risk, because otherwise the end of life is always a possibility and therefore infinite measure would have to be taken to protect it meaning no actually enjoying(loving) of life. That would be a shame I guess.

So, I feel that levity and curiosity should take precedence over anxiety in all cases beyond actual threat. Not to say work should not be done. Just that it should be work towards more enjoyment, not more survival. Not to say people shouldn’t get into medicine and find ways to live longer. Just that it should be for the sake of enjoyment like curiosity, not out of existential anxiety. Of course, in order to get to this point, it took certain conditions, which actually, where health factors. Factors that you could say would contribute to me living longer. As well, it is known that enjoyment of life and low anxiety, is correlated with living longer, to the extent of lengthening telomeres that control aging, and other changes at the genetic level.

So that’s the first aspect. I think this may be true especially for people who have introverted sensing as their forth function. We don’t sense as easily when we are screwing ourselves over physically until we are an mental mess.

The second thing, is about work. Does work contribute to feeling like you’ve given a day your all. Does work contribute to feeling like it’s ok to go to sleep at night. I wonder about this because some nights I just don’t want to sleep. I feel like I haven’t done anything. I’m not sure if that is a cause of decreasing fitness, or the effect of it. I know when I jog, and maybe now even just walk, for 30min a day, I am able to go to bed usually, without obsessing. However, I can’t always jog, especially now that my foot is bothering me. Also, even if I could always jog, I’m not sure I would want to. I feel accomplished after a good weight training session because I see physical results when I get that pump. Walking is ok because I can actually be going somewhere, like an 30min walk to the mall. However, jogging, although it feels great when I’m done, it feels kind of like I didn’t do anything also. I guess you could say I’m not passionate about it.

So what I wonder, is if my body depends on jogging so much that I need to do it every other day, even when it comes with no benefits other than better sleep. Or if walking could take it’s place. Or, if just working hard on a task, could take it’s place. Jogging just seems too strenuous, too hard on the joints, and to uninvolved to motivate me. Walking I can do and will do. However, I do feel like there is something else keeping me up at night. Maybe that something is about needing a goal, which I know I really do need and have needed for a while.

So what happened last night that lead me to this conclusion? Well, last nigh I tried game programming. I made an animation using pygame which took like two hours between learning what to install, and fixing errors. I do feel like games are an ultimate for of creative expression because they combine every other form of it into one and add interactivity. They are cutting edge. As well, I mean, “game” just the word, well it could mean dead animal in a lioness’s mouth, but I would say it means fun.

So games are about having fun. So making games, are about making fun. So, as I said that I feel life should be about fun instead of survival, I feel like making games would be a very high if not the highest expression of that. So I kind of feel like in making games, my need for achievement will feel more fulfilled. See I feel it was my search for fulfillment that has always lead me to stay up late. Not that I feel I will always go to bed on time now. However, I wonder, maybe if I do stay up late sometimes, working on something I find fulfilling, I would sleep better, when I finally do.

btw, the way I decided to learn game programming again was realizing I was tired just in general and so I would stop thinking about making money and focus on what would make me happy, like studying about psychology and maybe policy at university. Just focusing on doing things that will help the world, as there really aren’t that many people doing that. After deciding to do that, I thought, what would I do for fun tho? Then I though about game design and every online painted a description that getting into game design required either school, or hustling to get known in some way, or just making your own games. Also I learned that certain programming languages are more fun than others. So I decided to give python(supposedly more fun) a try.

I definitely feel myself come alive at the thought of making a game and showing people and them having fun with it. It doesn’t hurt that I could make money and that my programming skills could translate into jobs in other areas, that definitely is a confidence boost but I would rather be paid for something I know is changing the world like policy or psych (including this blog), than something that will make people happy but leaves many problems unsolved. I think If given the option I would at least do both. Although it is nice to see there is an area where fun and money have a strong overlap, it gives even more strength to my ideas above. However, my problem is that although the idea of making games is amazing, the idea of sitting alone for long hours to program is not. So I will experiment with work flow, lengths of time on task, goal choice, socio-environmental factors, frequency of work, ect, and see if there is a way I can get myself to be working on something I love, without feeling like I am giving up too much of something else in the process.

Also the coolest people seem to work in games, guys and girls, which draws me even further towards it as something I want in my life.



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