Rekindling ENTP Creativity: Improvisation

I just realized that ENTPs on the whole are very good at improvising. Not sure if this is the result or the cause of our impatience when it comes to goals and need for novelty, but it seems like it is the solution to these things. I realize the only work I’ve been doing for myself and keeping up with persistently has been this blog in which I never really write with a structure, I just improvise, writing thoughts as I think them. On the other hand, when it comes to goals I think I might enjoy like writing a story, or doing art, or music, I feel that I need to sit down and follow other peoples guidelines as far as workflow in order to create something worth while. Meaning if I want to produce music I have to “compose” a piece, not simply perform the piece. I feel like this logic has been to the detriment of my creativity.

See I’ve been wondering why do I not feel like doing any of the things I want to do lol, if that makes sense. I thought maybe it was that I just had no energy and needed to be around people, and to some extent this may be true but I feel there is more too it. I mean when I walk to work I sing so it’s not like I don’t have the energy to, and I don’t even do it for other people, just for myself. The thing is, I’m not focusing on composing a piece when I’m singing. I’m just performing, just experiencing the love of the music in a powerful way. So if I were to write my own music, my own poetry or rap, I think I would thusly focus on just performing, so improvising, and not trying to build something, plan something. It’s the same as with my life philosophy I guess. I try not to plan everything out for my life because I don’t want to know what will happen because if I know then the wonder is gone. So maybe that’s part of why I wouldn’t enjoy planning out the building of a story or musical piece, it’s like I’m finding out the end of the story, and I’m not enjoying it either, I’m just creating it, finishing it, not really experiencing it, or speaking through it, like I could if I were performing improvisation.

I also think about magic the gathering where sure I enjoy the deck building process, but mostly because I know I will get to perform with it, it’s like building an musical instrument to play with afterwards. So I think what I want to do is focus on expressing my self through art but through the improvising of artistic expression this time. I guess I’ll focus on rap and maybe on an instrument where I can just create cool harmonies.

End of evening thoughts:

Maybe it is important to keep busy like someone casually mentioned t to me last night. By busy I mean social commitments.  Today I didn’t have as much time to myself because after school I had to meet a friend for some TIFF polish movies which were exceptional. I realized after the first movie when I wanted to go home and my friend really wanted me to stay, that I would be walking away from an opportunity for exactly what I had been look for. I would be running towards loneliness. So I realized it was like a kind of compulsion for me to want to be alone because I really didn’t have any goals to work on that I truly believed in, I would just be walking towards a self-harming experience. So I stayed for the second movie and afterwards our analytical discussion flowed effortlessly.

Also I will not that before leaving the house I actually started working on a song, got the harmony out which I feel is the most important part then I left. On the way to the bus I felt a feeling I hadn’t felt in a while. A feeling like an altered state of consciousness, a state that I used to slip into after working on music which was usually pretty cool but sometimes disturbing. However it is a part of me, it makes me feel more whole, and I’m thinking it’s something I can only get from the process of creating music for myself. It’s definitely a centering experience on par with dreams and I think story writing when I’m in the mood, as if the fact that you are expressing yourself and it’s being fed back into you and feeling good, makes it centering, like you are all you need kinda thing?/. I’m just wondering if it was the music that centered me, or the fact that I had limited time and a social commitment that triggers/ed that state more . I also wonder if it was the social commitment that gave me the energy to create, or the fact that I decided I would improvise and not try to do to much gave me free reign to just make something that makes me feel good.

When I think about making more music now after just completing what I did, it feels stressful again. I wonder if it’s the fact that I’m giving no specific end to the music making, I’m just saying make more, like forever?

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