Externally Motivated: More analysis

The kind of thing I’m thinking about now is how does it make sense that I would have such a need for people in order to be inspired. It seems like compared to when I was younger, this wasn’t the case. Btw I think if I can solve this problem, if the solution is surrounding myself with the right people, I will totally advocate this idea to anyone else who thinks they are too good for it, and explain why it has absolutely nothing to do with value.

Let me give an example of why it might feel like a weakness to need other people to be motivated. Maybe, as happened to me, you can remember a time when as a kid you were acting out and some adult, maybe a parent, iunno, told everyone around you to not give you any attention when you acted that way. This is a very insulting way of controlling  a child which could work for an extroverted child especially. I have memories like that, or at least the feelings without the specific memory. The problem with this, is you have an adult taking power away from a child, making them feel weak and subdued. Instead of loving the child and supporting their need to explore and their discoveries, some adults just “don’t have the time, or energy” and so they inadvertently hold their children captive in their own lives. Then when the children act out to try and add value to their lives through society, the adults take even more away by getting everyone to ignore that child. This kind of thing is extremely degrading and it sticks. Even if a kid has high self esteem, how can a child value themselves when other people are systematically taking their power away by removing themselves AND not allowing anyone else it. I feel like this is where my “White Room Theory” came from. It came from a feeling of being controlled by social factors in my life and dis-empowered by them.

Btw, my white room theory is the idea that if I was trapt in a white room with nothing in it but walls, and food ect, with no way to escape except if I put years of work into it. Would I be able to put that time in. This came out of the feeling I got being at home after college with no motivation to look for a job. At this time I also didn’t have as much contact with friends because I felt like it would be a sign of weakness. So maybe I have some deep seated scar hear from childhood I don’t know, but I’m figuring it out right now. It seems, not just with parents, but even just in childhood teenage-hood ect, that I wasn’t surrounded with people who empowered me as much as I feel I could have been. Not that I’m not grateful for what I had, not that I’m blaming anyone, just that it was a mixed bag and sometimes I felt I was doing things people would love and I felt inspired, then sometimes I felt no one gave a shit so I felt uninspired.

So shouldn’t I just be able to work hard no matter what anyone else says, and achieve what I want?  Then wont people come to me and love me? Is that really how it should work though? It seems some people in my life thought so, and they may have even been haunted by that idea themselves. The idea that they needed to be somebody in order for anyone to love and respect them. That’s a trap, at least for extroverts, because if we need to work hard to get support, but need support to get the motivation to work hard, then that’s not happening. So the list of problem mindsets:

1) Feeling like you should do what you believe in and then people will love and support you
2) Feeling like it’s weak and therefore wrong to need other people for motivation
3) Feeling dis-empowered by people neglecting you

OK, so that is some deep shit. Feeling neglected in childhood especially. Wow.

So, let’s start with number 1)

Should I have goals that I believe in no matter if no one is supporting me or talking to me?
Well, Honestly the goal I have right now (and I mean I have family around me and work ect, but not the strong intellectual connections I thrive on) the goal I have right now is to figure out this problem and figure out how to meet people so I can be inspired. I feel like this will always be present even for lonely extroverts, because this will cure our loneliness. As long as we don’t let ourselves become depressed, we will always have this drive. We crave human connection so even if we don’t have the energy to make a painting for nobody, doesn’t mean we don’t have the craving for human connection. As long as we remain empowered, and believe that we CAN meet people we connect with, we will always be empowered. (kind of answered number 3 by accident). Beyond that my goal is to achieve cool things with people, discover things people will find amazing, share things, ect. That is what I believe in so actually doing something other than that. Like trying to just be ok by myself, is not being true to myself, and is not doing what I believe in.

Number 2)

Is it weak and therefore wrong to need social support.
NO, and here is why. First of all, apparenlty everyone, or almost everyone needs this social support and without it we may actually die. However there is the North American Ideology that: “You shouldn’t need me and I shouldn’t need you. We are cowboys in the west, lone rangers, and we fend for ourselves. Don’t depend on me because you will just be a drag, second class, expendable, and not worthy of love.” However, most people end up being social and around others already so they don’t ever have to come to grips with the fact that they actually do need others. Or if they did they would figure out a way to make it a “fair trade”. I mean to be honest, there are people I can’t hang out with for long periods because I don’t connect with them. Doesn’t mean I look down on them. In fact I respect them too much to pity them. I respect their independence and self-responsibility and hope they find people who actually want to spend time with them.

Anyways, I see my need for human connection as a passion, not as a weakness. I mean, people aren’t weak. People don’t beg for help. They often would rather kill themselves than beg for help and be looked down on. Looking down on them will only push them further in that direction. The direction to proving once and for all that “needy” and “motivation to live” are different things. I don’t need people, I just would have little motivation to live otherwise. See the difference? I’m not going to beg, I’m going to leave no rock unturned in finding people I connect with. If it were possible for me to talk to every person and find that I connect with absolutely no one on the level I want to. I don’t think I’d kill myself, but why would I bother trying to create art or poetry ect? Who would I be creating it for? That is externally motivated. I WANT to create things other people will enjoy, discover things other people will find valuable. It a primary desire.

Moving forward

Now, I might have sorted all of this out. I was on my way to school and realized that when I want to talk to someone, either someone I new in the past, or someone new on the street. If I try to talk to them and they snub me, I think I’ll look at that a different way now. Now I’ll see it more like they are the ones who are wrong for looking down on me. They are the ones that don’t understand.

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