Search For Meaning: Fear of not doing enough vs Inspiration

I have been obsessing over doing something meaningful with my life as if my happiness depended on it, but recently through being stressed out by other annoying people, I realized that this obsession was really fear based on shame as if there was such a thing as not doing enough in life. well I’ve experienced two things that allow me to see the truth that my life is meaningful regardless of what I do. The first was when I meditated with music “The Tea Party – Angels” after jogging, and I went into some sort of state where memories from my past became a kind of collage of images and emotion that was blanketing me. Here I realized that my life up to that point was awesome.

The second experience, after taking vitamin d 5000mg for a few weeks was just a feeling of contentment paired with an increased ability to recall childhood memories. Through recalling what I could but mostly just feeling the relaxed vibe, I felt that if I died at that time, it would be ok. Not that I was suicidal, just that I felt I lived a great life up to that point, it just felt like I had lived a full life.

This lead me to the realization not only that letting the fear go would allow the anger to go as well because fear leads to anger leads to hate ect, but also that letting go of the fear was what I needed to do just to get my life back which has been going off the rails this week since my last exam for the year.

I have been so obsessed with doing something meaningful with my life, and consequently with being able to support myself so I could do something meaningful and have it feel like it truly came from me. However I realized, this is probably party due to not getting enough sleep which compromises the hormones. Coincidentally this post is coming after my first jog in two weeks, as well as Captain America. Now I feel like, I already know how I should be feeling, that sense of completion, of satisfaction, so I can kind of just step back into it conceptually and act from that place, from what I know, even if I can’t feel it. What I know, from feeling and now in hindsight from logic, is that life doesn’t come with a obligation to do anything special. Life can end at anytime and it’s best to see whatever life has been lived as enough. This isn’t to say don’t try to do anything more, but that more should only be done because you want to, not because you feel you must.

So if I don’t end up doing anything special with my life, well my life will still be special to me, because my memories, my friends, family ect, my self, are meaningful enough. Life is meaningful enough. After realizing this I had this strange experience. I was walking home at night and was thinking, what if this guy attacked me. I felt myself imagine my “defensive offense” against said threat, but didn’t feel a sense of anger or fear, only a sense of love for myself in doing what needed to be done. Iunno, I need more sleep, but it felt good.

So I realize this is a part of self love. Not feeling obligated to be something more for anyone, as society has many of us feeling we must. It’s about love instead. I will still work towards cool stuff, but I wont force myself to have ideas or be productive. I’ll do as I’m inspired by love, to do. I guess that may include travel, although I also feel it’s important for general mental health, to travel a lot more than I have been. I think that is a love based concern, not shame based.

As far as work, I guess I’ll be looking for work because I need to fund whatever I chose to do, but maybe I wont freak out if I can’t move out as soon as is ideal.

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